Louie 2x9

1. I mean, sometimes you see a person on the street

2. who's in a state of life that you couldn't imagine

3. having the courage to live.

4. You ever seen somebody...

5. you ever seen a person and you look at them and you go,

6. "That— I would just kill myself if I woke up like that"?

7. I would just kill myself.

8. I don't have the courage.

9. And it's a comment on me, not them.

10. I couldn't live like that.

11. I get to go like this, and if I had to go like this,

12. I'd blow my brains out.

13. I can't do it.

14. I have only the courage for a perfect life.

15. I really do.

16. Anything below perfect, I ain't doing it.

17. I ain't being one of those guys.

18. I don't even want to be cold in the winter.

19. You know when you see somebody,

20. they just have a flannel shirt without a jacket,

21. and they're just being cold and their face is purple in spots.

22. Couldn't do it.

23. I saw an old lady I couldn't be.

24. I was walking behind this lady.

25. That is a weird sentence.

26. "I saw an old lady that I couldn't be."

27. I was walking behind her

28. and she had just a spine that was

29. just dog shit.

30. Her spine sucked ass.

31. I'm saying this in— Like, as her friend.

32. Her spine...

33. sucked dick.

34. Just— She was just one of these people

35. and she's walking in front of me like this

36. and she had a collar on her shirt that was very high,

37. and so I couldn't even see her head.

38. She had— Looked like she had no head.

39. She was like this with no head and I remember—

40. First thing I thought was, her doctor's an asshole,

41. because he could have told her!

42. "if you wear a high collar...

43. "... it's spooky for people behind you.

44. "It's spooky from the back...

45. "sad from the front

46. and kind of funny from the side."

47. Anyway, thanks a lot, good night.

48. Thank you very much.

49. Louie C.K.!

50. Holy shit! How are you, man?

51. How's it going? Oh, my God!

52. Eddie! How are you?

53. I haven't seen you in— Jesus Christ! Oh, it's years.

54. It's been years. Oh, my God.

55. You're doing good, man.

56. You're a big star now.

57. Oh, not really.

58. Bullshit, I see you on TV.

59. You know, when I can afford a motel room.

60. I thought you'd forget about me.

61. How am I gonna forget about you, man?

62. Hey, man, pretty funny stuff.

63. Thanks.

64. I'm Louie. I'm Eddie.

65. Just starting out, too.

66. It's good to see you, man.

67. This is—

68. Gregg Rogell, this is Eddie Mack,

69. he's a comic, he's a friend, we started out together.

70. Oh, cool, nice to meet you, Eddie. What's up?

71. Where do you work out of, LA?

72. Oh, yeah, because if it's not here, it has to be LA.

73. You know, there's a whole middle of the country.

74. You know, the sewers of America,

75. that's where I work,

76. y'know, places that you wouldn't be welcome,

77. phony New York piece of shit.

78. Hey, man, watch your mouth.

79. Oh, I'm sorry, did I offend you?

80. Hey...

81. You started out with this guy? Yeah.

82. Yeah, we started out back in the days

83. when people went on stage to be funny,

84. and then he came here to have a career

85. with dildos like you and I worked the road,

86. working shit holes for drug money, like real comics.

87. Oh, I get it, so you're a road head? Yeah, yeah, and I'm really proud of it.

88. Unfunny.

89. Okay, well, it was nice talking to you, loser.

90. Come on.

91. Let's get a drink, man, come upstairs. I can't, I can't, I'm double-parked.

92. Where you— Where you going?

93. I can't afford to stop in this city.

94. It's 50 bucks an hour to exist here.

95. I'm on my way to Maine,

96. I just wanted to stop in and say hello.

97. What are you doing?

98. Do you want a— do you want a ride? Yeah.

99. I wanted to talk to you for a while, if you have—

100. Okay, yeah, absolutely, come on, man.

101. Let's go. I'll give you a ride home.

102. Tiger Woods claims to be addicted to sex.

103. Bullshit.

104. These are hot women he was having sex with.

105. If he was having sex with a dead chicken,

106. then I'd say, "Wow, that guy is addicted to sex."

107. Boy, you're really living out of this car.

108. Yeah, I've been sleeping in it for over a year.

109. Got everything.

110. I'm set up.

111. Got a sleeping bag, hot plate, box of porn,

112. old-school magazine porn.

113. Gas station porn.

114. You might not want to touch that.

115. So you're doing a gig in Maine?

116. Yeah, you want to open for me?

117. It's a sports bar in Bangor for 200 bucks,

118. then I'm done.

119. What, you're getting off the road for a while?

120. No, I mean, I'm done.

121. Done and done.

122. I'm gonna hit this liquor store up here.

123. I would like to die from... you.

124. And you're drinking this with me, too. I don't know, man.

125. Yes, you are. No.

126. You remember how we used to get hammered.

127. Yes, I remember.

128. Man, you ate it up there tonight.

129. Yeah, I know I suck, man.

130. You don't suck.

131. They suck!

132. Don't...

133. don't let other people tell you what you are, man.

134. Don't do that.

135. You're good.

136. You're funny!

137. Oh, Jesus, drink with me, I'm serious.

138. You're not gonna see me again after this, believe me.

139. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

140. You gotta pay for that, mister.

141. Yeah, I'm paying for it there, relax.

142. Pinch it off, lady bird.

143. Can I enjoy it for ten seconds before I own it?

144. You can't drink in here, it's not a bar.

145. Why don't you shut your hummus hole there, curry monkey?

146. I'm gonna pay for it. What the ( bleep ) are you talking about, curry monkey?

147. You no soy— Yo no soy árabe.

148. ÿ Qué clase de mierda es esto? What is that, Spanish?

149. What are you saying— Oye.

150. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

151. Are you saying that Spanish people don't eat hummus?

152. Are you saying Spanish people

153. don't like Middle Eastern food? Oye, oye, p'al carajo, get out of here.

154. Oye, chico. You keep the change.

155. Yo no soy árabe, sal p'al— Sal p'al carajo. I'll keep the change, I'll keep your change.

156. Y llévate— Y vete pa' allá.

157. Yeah, you and your friend, pa' fuera, maricón.

158. Yeah, I know what that means. Pa' fuera.

159. I'll find out what that means Llévatelo.

160. And I'm gonna come back to your bar.

161. I'm gonna slander your bar on the Internet. Very sorry.

162. One star for your bar, this bar sucks! Mierda, mierda, mierda.

163. Let's go, man.

164. I'm on Facebook! Aquí, si, pa' fuera, pa' fuera.

165. You almost look like you're having fun.

166. Wah! Jesus Christ.

167. Let's do a set somewhere. You wanna go on stage?

168. Yeah, hang on.

169. Let's find a gig.

170. Let's find a gig.

171. We could do Caroline's, the midnight show.

172. We're not doing a comedy club.

173. Comedy clubs, that's where comedy goes to die.

174. Let's do an open mic. Uh...

175. Like we used to, have some n.

176. Yeah... right there.

177. That's tonight.

178. That's in Brooklyn.

179. And I have a car.

180. Wah, come on.

181. Jesus, man, come on. Give me this, give me this.

182. I'm driving. All right, okay.

183. Brooklyn.

184. That's the bridge, that's the bridge. There you go.

185. I called my ex-wife, right, and told her what happened,

186. you know, that I didn't want to be alone tonight.

187. And she was like, "Things are different, okay?

188. You want to be with me, it's gonna cost you $200."

189. And I was like, wow, things are different, man.

190. I remember when she used to charge me 60,

191. which is a problem, man, 'cause, you know,

192. every woman wants to have a man in here life,

193. you know what I mean?

194. But not a fat one.

195. It's not like when I walk by, you hear women going...

196. "Oye, mira, papi.

197. "Coño.

198. Teniqua, did you see that guy?"

199. "I sure did and let me tell you something,

200. "if I had him in my bed,

201. "I'd suck his cholesterol level back to normal,

202. you know what I'm saying?"

203. This is open mic.

204. Smell the desperation.

205. Loserdom.

206. Like, a girl could do something seemingly gay

207. and it'll be okay if she does it with another woman,

208. but if I suggest I want to suck my friend's dick

209. because he's stressed, I can't suck his dick.

210. Well, I'm immigrant from Russia

211. and America experiencing hard times now,

212. how to survive and this and that...

213. I'm telling you, you're really making me feel good, like...

214. like I felt when they finally took that head rag

215. off Aunt Jemima on the pancake box.

216. I feel good, I feel good.

217. Yeah.

218. You seriously want to go on stage here?

219. Yeah, yeah.

220. Hey, you're Louie C.K. Yeah.

221. You're famous in this dump.

222. Do you want to go up?

223. No, but can you put my friend on?

224. He's funny, he's a comic. I'll go up.

225. Yeah, yeah, sure.

226. What's your name?

227. It's Shitty Fat Tits.

228. Write that down.

229. Yeah, sure.

230. I'm gonna go now,

231. but I'll be in the back so we can exchange...

232. Don't ( bleep ) up my intro.

233. Up next, we got a very special guest, doing a guest spot.

234. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Shitty Fat Tits.

235. Oh, no, thank you, thank you very much.

236. No, seriously, thank you, thank you.

237. Your host, ladies and gentlemen.

238. Please, give it up.

239. He should.

240. Anyway, do you know how much stupid stuff we do

241. just to get pussy?

242. Sex is just so absolutely boring.

243. It's such a one-note thing and it drives so many people

244. to do so many ridiculous...

245. So many problems—

246. Sex is like— It's not even like—

247. It's gross.

248. If you just break it down to what it is,

249. if you're not in the mood for it and you just—

250. It's disgusting.

251. Do you ever watch porno after you come?

252. Ugh.

253. I get a boner, it springs up on me randomly,

254. I treat it like the medical condition that it is

255. and I drain it like a cyst, quickly.

256. Drain this off!

257. No, just squeeze it off!

258. 30-second MPEG.

259. And if you use YouPorn, be careful,

260. 'cause they track what you beat off to.

261. It's a—

262. Go up to the top of YouPorn next time you're on YouPorn

263. and click on "recommended for you."

264. They track what you beat off to, it's like Amazon.

265. "People who beat off to this also beat off to

266. this, this and that."

267. And a lot of that stuff you're not into.

268. How is, y'know, cock and ball torture

269. equivalent to peeing on me?

270. I don't want you to pee on me.

271. That's gross.

272. No idea what I'm doing with my life.

273. I can't believe you didn't go on, man. Man, you were great.

274. Eat my ass. You were hilarious.

275. Stop it.

276. You know, I give you shit,

277. but you know I'm proud of you, right?

278. You came out here and you gave it a shot

279. and now it's working for you.

280. I've always been proud of you.

281. Hey, man. What's up?

282. I got some news.

283. I'm gonna be on Letterman.

284. Oh, yeah?

285. Yeah, I just got the call.

286. All right, well, whatever.

287. What? What?

288. Good, go do Letterman.

289. What's your problem?

290. I just thought we do this shit

291. to get off and find truth,

292. not to become famous glamour monkeys.

293. Hey, man— Whatever, dude.

294. Go be a star.

295. Are you drinking water?

296. Is that for your health?

297. Keep your skin tight for the camera close-ups?

298. You're making fun of water right now, okay. Yes.

299. It's a basic life sustenance and you're making fun of it.

300. Yeah, so what's your point?

301. Well, when you find yourself railing against water,

302. you know, get a grip, man.

303. Jesus Christ.

304. Goddamn it, this city is a dumparoo.

305. I bet you never come out here, do you, Brooklyn?

306. You just stay holed up in faggy Manhattan.

307. I used to live here, man. Yeah.

308. Yeah, I lived in a five-floor walk-up for two years

309. with my ex-wife.

310. The Twin Towers were right there across the river. Oh.

311. She was six months pregnant with Lily

312. and we stood there and we watched them burn.

313. You just stood there and watched them burn?

314. You didn't try to help?

315. Rush in? Try to blow it out?

316. Nothing?

317. Come on, help our 3,000 brothers out, man.

318. Just stand there and watch 'em burn

319. with your fattened wife who you later abandoned.

320. So what's up, man?

321. Uh... okay, look.

322. I know I burned our bridge, you know,

323. we're old friends and all that, hooray.

324. But I got no bridges left.

325. I burned all the bridges,

326. I burned the roads, I burned the trails,

327. I burned the hiking path.

328. It's all gone.

329. So what do you need?

330. I don't need anything.

331. I just want to talk to you.

332. I want to tell you something. Okay.

333. Do ya, okay? Yeah, I'm listening.

334. Go ahead. All right, look, man, I'm cashing in.

335. I'm done.

336. I'm 40 shit years old,

337. I got nothing, I got nobody.

338. And I don't want anything,

339. I don't want anybody,

340. and that's the worst part, when the want goes.

341. That's— That's bad.

342. I mean, like suffering is one thing

343. or not having is one thing

344. but when you just don't care anymore?

345. You know, I've gone soft

346. in the last three pussies I've been in.

347. You get to a point where you go,

348. maybe it's time to just put a period

349. at the end of my—

350. Whatever this was.

351. So you're gonna quit comedy?

352. How dense are you?

353. Comedy?

354. Who gives a shit about comedy, man?

355. Well, then, what are you talking about? My life!

356. I'm going to end it.

357. I went to a doctor—

358. Listen to me.

359. I went to a doctor, and I'm just trying to

360. get a scrip for Ambien, and I'm—

361. I'm bullshitting the guy,

362. the whole fear of flying nonsense,

363. like I've ever been on a plane in my career,

364. and the doctor gets this look on his face like he knows,

365. like he's gonna chuck me out of the office.

366. All of a sudden... he gives me these.

367. It's "phenomedrine." What is it?

368. He tells me, only take one of these a week.

369. It's like the strongest, most dangerous shit

370. this side of Bangkok.

371. He tells me, "Do not take more than one.

372. Two of these'll stop your heart."

373. A doctor gave you those? Yeah, it made no sense at first.

374. I mean, look at me.

375. You take one look at me,

376. you're gonna give me these with a verbal warning?

377. Why would he do that?

378. Because he took one look at me

379. and he realized that's the only prescription

380. that's gonna improve my life, is death.

381. Jesus Christ, Eddie.

382. No, the guy's right.

383. The guy probably deserves a Nobel Prize

384. and I don't need a second opinion.

385. I'm going to Maine, I'm gonna do my show,

386. get a lobster roll, maybe,

387. get a motel room

388. and then throw three of these things down my head

389. with some cognac.

390. Why are you here telling me this right now?

391. You know... I don't know.

392. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye to someone.

393. You know, if I leave a note,

394. it's just gonna get burned with my clothes,

395. so I figured you for the one guy that

396. I could say adios to.

397. Eddie, this is bullshit.

398. You can't kill yourself.

399. Oh, yes, I can.

400. I have a note from a doctor.

401. I don't give a shit what that guy said, you can't do that.

402. And why can't I do that?

403. Because!

404. Louie, look me in the eye

405. and tell me I have one good reason to live.

406. No.

407. See, you got nothing.

408. No, no, I'm not—

409. I'm not playing that, I'm not doing it.

410. What do you mean? I mean...

411. I mean, ( bleep ) you, man.

412. I got my reasons to live,

413. I worked hard to figure out what they are.

414. I'm not just handing them to you.

415. Okay, you want a reason to live?

416. Have a drink of water and get some sleep,

417. wake up in the morning and try again like everybody else does.

418. Yeah, I get it, a tough-love fix—

419. No, no love, okay?

420. More like tough—

421. Not giving a shit anymore, Eddie.

422. If you want to— If you want to tap out

423. 'Cause your life is shit—

424. You know what?

425. It's not your life, it's life.

426. It's— Life is bigger than you,

427. if you can imagine that.

428. Life isn't something that you possess.

429. It's something that you take part in

430. and you witness.

431. You are— You are so excited right now

432. that you get to give the big speech.

433. You would love to be the guy that talks this loser,

434. who you never think about, out of suicide

435. so you could feel better about yourself.

436. This is not about you, Louie.

437. It's just me saying goodbye.

438. It was nice to know you when I knew you.

439. No, you're laying this shit on me because—

440. She's not welcome in my house. How do you not want me to let her in the house?

441. I don't like her when she's in there. She's the mother of my kids.

442. I don't care, she's not the mother of my kids! Oh, come on, man, this is ridiculous!

443. Whenever she needs...

444. Listen, man, I...

445. I haven't seen you in 20 years.

446. And you're right, I don't think much about you.

447. I hope you don't... kill yourself.

448. I really do.

449. But I gotta go home. All right.

450. I gotta pick up my kids in the morning.

451. Okay, man.

452. All right, man.

453. I'm gonna take the subway, okay? All right.

454. Thanks, buddy. Good luck in Maine, okay?

455. Thanks.

456. A little too proud of yourself for just not being a piece of shit.

457. If you see somebody in a store who's got a thing...

458. Whatever it is...

459. It's not supposed to be any negative version of anything of anybody.

460. They had a creative amount of limbs.

461. And you saw them and you just scanned the room.

462. You didn't go... booh! You just kept going...

463. You didn't go... You just kept going.

464. And then you are like excited, like, ohh, I am an angel.

465. There should be a statue of me in this spot.

466. Letting that person have the same just regular day that I had.