Louie 2x8

1. My next guest is the leader of a cause

2. that I personally didn't know existed.

3. It's a fight against masturbation.

4. Ellen Favor is the president and founder of CAM,

5. or Christians Against Masturbation.

6. Ellen, welcome to the program.

7. Thank you for having me.

8. It's a pleasure to be here.

9. Well, "pleasure," I believe that is the issue here.

10. Is that what your group is against?

11. Of course not.

12. We believe God put us on the earth to enjoy life

13. and enjoy the world he created for us.

14. But why form a group against something like this?

15. Thank you for asking me that.

16. I wouldn't be doing this

17. if I didn't think it was very important.

18. But there are some people who would say,

19. come on, it's just masturbation.

20. I don't think of it as just masturbation.

21. Frankly, I think of it as a tragedy.

22. A tragedy?

23. You mean like a tsunami or Rwanda?

24. Yes, I think it's that serious,

25. because those events— While certainly tragic—

26. Affected only one region of people in the world or another,

27. while masturbation is a crime against— Against God

28. and against the person who does it to themselves.

29. Young people all over the world

30. are depriving themselves of the greatest gift

31. that the lord bestowed upon them at their birth,

32. their purity and grace in his eyes.

33. Well, that's— That's very compelling.

34. Let's bring in our next guest, comedian Louis C.K.,

35. who some might describe as an aficionado of masturbation,

36. a man who is well-known for being a prolific masturbator,

37. who even brags about it.

38. Is that fair to say, Louie?

39. Yeah, that's fair.

40. In fact, you're the only person we could find

41. who would come here to defend masturbation.

42. and nobody gets hurt.

43. Well, isn't that the point here, Ellen?

44. With all due respect, why do you care what a man does

45. in the privacy of his own house?

46. God cares.

47. The Bible teaches us that lust in your heart is a sin

48. when acted upon outside the context of marriage.

49. Well, I'm not married,

50. so anything I do is outside of that context.

51. I'm not against having sex.

52. I believe that the lord put desire in your heart

53. as a beacon for love.

54. It's the way that we can find someone and marry them

55. and enjoy each other under his loving gaze.

56. Wait a minute,

57. you mean that God watches married people have sex.

58. Well, God watches over everything.

59. So we're like porn for God?

60. He watches us and then he probably masturbates.

61. Okay, that is way out of line, Mr. C.K.

62. This young lady—

63. That's all right.

64. I know you're a comedian,

65. so this is probably so funny to you.

66. Yeah, it's pretty funny.

67. That's what's so sad.

68. That you don't know the darkness that you live in.

69. Uh, no, I know the darkness.

70. You don't have to live this way.

71. There is a life of joy and passion waiting for you,

72. if you just stop hurting yourself.

73. How can you tell people not to masturbate?

74. I mean, nobody can not do it.

75. Since there's been people,

76. all of them— Every single person, ever—

77. Has masturbated.

78. Napoleon masturbated, Gandhi, Joan Jett,

79. Shakespeare.

80. Shakespeare, definitely.

81. It's like telling people not to breathe.

82. It's really— It's not fair.

83. I pity you, that you think that,

84. that you can't not do it.

85. Have you ever tried?

86. Tried not to masturbate?

87. Yes.

88. Well, sometimes I won't do it for, like, a week

89. but that's just so that when I do it again,

90. it'll be way better.

91. But what if you really stopped?

92. What if you saved that urge inside of you

93. and thought of it as something sacred?

94. Until you meet the right person and you love them

95. and then you get married to them,

96. and then you can give that to them

97. as a gift that you've cherished and you saved.

98. That's beautiful.

99. Have you ever been married?

100. No.

101. I was married for nine years,

102. and believe me, God was not smiling.

103. And now you're alone.

104. And you masturbate and you're alone.

105. You asked me, Louie, "Have you ever been married?"

106. Now I ask you, have you ever been happy?

107. Are you happy now?

108. So Ellen, how does your group get the word out?

109. Are there rallies?

110. Where is the picket line for this?

111. Oh, no.

112. We have meetings, it's like a town hall.

113. We bring people togather

114. and inspire them to walk a path of purity.

115. You're welcome to come.

116. I'd be happy if you did.

117. It sounds like a lot of bullshit.

118. Okay, we're ready to wrap it up here.

119. You know what really pisses me off

120. about people like you?

121. You think you can tell other people

122. like you've got the keys to how to be happy.

123. You know, you don't know me, okay?

124. And you don't know God.

125. God probably hates people like you

126. that try to tell other people what to do.

127. Wow.

128. Masturbating's really important to you.

129. Yeah, it is.

130. It keeps me sane.

131. I'm a good citizen, I'm a good father,

132. I recycle and I masturbate.

133. And I'm proud of it.

134. And God's happy.

135. And later, I'm gonna masturbate

136. and I'm gonna think about you

137. and there's nothing you can do about it.

138. I hope you do think about me. Uh-huh.

139. I hope you think about what I said,

140. that's exactly what I want. Yeah.

141. Okay, well, that concludes our show for today.

142. Thank you both for coming and thank you for joining us,

143. and from our studio to your home,

144. we bid you a fond good night.

145. Hey. Hey.

146. Listen, I'm sorry, I—

147. I meant what I said in there.

148. You should come to a meeting.

149. You don't want me there.

150. No, I really do.

151. Come on.

152. You can dismiss it or mock it.

153. Just give it a try.

154. Are you being serious?

155. I'm serious.

156. I wouldn't kid around about your soul.

157. You know, it's really sad about men

158. that we can't have a beautiful thought about a woman

159. that isn't followed by a disgusting thought

160. about that same woman.

161. We're not capable of it.

162. We can't do one without the other.

163. If you're a woman and a guy's ever said

164. anything romantic to you,

165. he just left off the second part

166. that would have made you sick

167. if you could have heard it.

168. That's how our brains work.

169. "She's an angel...

170. and I want her to drown in my cum."

171. That's the closest we can get to poetry in our hearts.

172. We love you, we really do.

173. We think you're angels,

174. and we want you to drown in our cum.

175. We want to drench your angel wings that carry you to heaven

176. with our sticky, gooey, disgusting jism.

177. That's what we want!

178. I'm sorr— It's just the way we are.

179. Can you hold that?

180. Thank you.

181. It's no problem.

182. Just had to stick my arm out.

183. Hi.

184. Hey.

185. Um...

186. Can you, like, help me out with this?

187. With that?

188. Yeah, with this.

189. What seems to be the problem?

190. It's just that there's, like, zero dicks in there.

191. Zero dicks?

192. Yeah.

193. There are, like, no dicks in there.

194. Ugh, it's so annoying.

195. Can you, like, help me out?

196. Can you, just like, stick a whole bag of dicks in there?

197. A bag of dicks?

198. Yeah, that would be so great.

199. You have a bag of dicks right there.

200. Ugh.

201. You want me to put these in there?

202. Um, yeah.

203. Should I take each one out and put it—

204. Well, can you, just like, shove the whole bag in there?

205. Okay, I'll—

206. Oh, my God...

207. That's so much better.

208. Keep going!

209. I'm trying, I'm trying.

210. You trying to put the whole bag of dick in there?

211. This is the way she likes it.

212. There is no room.

213. Hey, screw you.

214. American women are very complicated.

215. Don't be ashamed to live without shame.

216. Just remember to keep your body pure

217. so that the Lord can enter it.

218. So... Hey.

219. What'd you think?

220. That was really something.

221. I think it's great you came.

222. I'm glad I came.

223. So do you want to get a drink?

224. Yeah, sure.

225. Why are you so nervous?

226. I don't know.

227. I mean, this is weird.

228. This is definitely weird.

229. You're... a thing and I'm, you know.

230. There's things about me that if you knew them,

231. you would be very disgusted.

232. I'm not disgusted with you.

233. I'm concerned for you, maybe.

234. But you're a good person.

235. I can tell.

236. I'd like to know you.

237. Come on.

238. A guy like you has to know how to

239. talk to a pretty girl, doesn't he?

240. Yeah, but not—

241. You know, usually, that's when I'm trying to—

242. Yeah, so, you kind of need that incentive

243. to bring out the charm.

244. Well, go ahead and pretend you're trying to...

245. have me.

246. It'll be fun to watch.

247. So are you—

248. Are you seriously a virgin?

249. Yes, Louie, I am very seriously a virgin.

250. It's very serious.

251. Well, look, I know it sounds dumb, but I think it's—

252. I think it's kind of sad.

253. Why?

254. Well, losing your virginity is supposed to be

255. just a tragic, stupid, silly moment

256. and you only get it once.

257. For you, it's gonna be this big, grown-up thing.

258. What was it like for you?

259. For me?

260. My first time with a girl?

261. Yeah.

262. Well, I was in high school and it was my girlfriend.

263. The first thing that we did, she—

264. She jerked me off.

265. Sorry.

266. Go ahead, I asked.

267. Well, she—

268. She's touching me, and nobody had ever touched my penis

269. so it was really a big deal,

270. and she was being all high school

271. and tugging and just awkward

272. and it was so intense that when I—

273. When I came, it was with such force,

274. that I— I started farting.

275. And I'm coming and farting and she's laughing.

276. That was the basis of my whole life sexually,

277. was just shame...

278. and cum and farts.

279. Yeah, I can see I missed something there.

280. Yeah.

281. Well, do you want to come up to my suite?

282. I'm having fun, but I'm kind of sick of being out.

283. Yeah, suite?

284. Sounds— Sounds nice.

285. They pay you well to be a not-coming person, huh?

286. You get suites?

287. All right, let's go to your suite.

288. Just want to get ready for bed.

289. Sure.

290. So how did you get to be a Christian?

291. Oh, well, I was born one.

292. I mean, we all are.

293. What about Jews?

294. Well, they're God's children too and Christ loves them.

295. I just think we should be accepting and try to under—

296. Uh, oh, oh—

297. Sorry.

298. Come on.

299. You couldn't have thought that one was gonna work.

300. I know, I just—

301. I know, you wanted it, so you went to take it.

302. That's how you are.

303. Well, how do you not?

304. I mean, my odds were pretty low here,

305. but if I'd done it, then I'd be smart.

306. Maybe if you—

307. If you want it, it turned out,

308. it would have been a good idea.

309. Really?

310. You mean, if I wanted you to be with me,

311. you would want that?

312. Yeah, why not?

313. Well...

314. What if there was something better

315. that you'd be missing out on?

316. Like what?

317. Like...

318. What if I liked you and you could tell

319. and what if you didn't try to kiss me

320. and we just— We sat here

321. and we talked and we got to know each other?

322. I mean, a kiss would stop that cold.

323. But if you don't try to kiss me,

324. then, um, we'd talk and talk and say good night,

325. and maybe we could see each other again.

326. And keep talking, and still, you don't try to kiss me.

327. Maybe we could get close.

328. We could start to— To really like each other.

329. But we might kiss, but we don't make out,

330. You don't touch any part of my body,

331. and maybe love would grow.

332. We'd—

333. We'd get excited just to hear each other's voices.

334. We'd feel pent-up desire.

335. Then what if we got married?

336. And you still haven't—

337. Haven't seen me in my undergarments,

338. you haven't touched any part of me.

339. Then, on that first night,

340. we would be together for the first time.

341. We could do anything and everything

342. and know that the lord is with us and blesses us.

343. And because we waited,

344. that first time and every time after

345. would be so passionate and so free.

346. I bet you never had sex

347. one time in your life like that,

348. where— Where there's no shame, there's no fear,

349. where you can put all of yourself in a woman

350. and leave nothing behind.

351. Just you and me, you and your body,

352. me and my body, touching, being close,

353. before God.

354. This is British Radio news headlines.

355. Today in Mogadishu 40 people were slaughtered

356. by rebel soldiers as they tried to escape

357. genocide that has ramped into that sole African nation.

358. The rebels reportedly cut the heads off of their victims

359. with machetes and mutilated their corpses

360. smearing their entrails all over the faces of their children.

361. This has been the 10th day in a row that such attacks have taken place.

362. So far 50,000 people have been brutally murdered...

363. Into the conflict... Infested river...

364. Causing dehydratation and starvation to millions in the region...