1. Hey, what's up?Copy !req
2. You didn't open that on
the kitchen table, did you?Copy !req
3. Nope.Copy !req
4. Are you lying?
Yep.Copy !req
5. Why do you do that?Copy !req
6. The opener's
right in the drawer.Copy !req
7. Yeah, well, the table's
right here.Copy !req
8. Louie!Copy !req
9. I love you.Copy !req
10. Why would you say that?Copy !req
11. What?Copy !req
12. I mean, I just said
a really dick thing.Copy !req
13. Why— why would you
say, "I love you"?Copy !req
14. What am I supposed to do here?Copy !req
15. - Please?
- Cut!Copy !req
16. What's wrong, buddy?Copy !req
17. I just...Copy !req
18. Why does she say that?Copy !req
19. It's cute.Copy !req
20. It's cute?
Yeah.Copy !req
21. Dude...Copy !req
22. I thought we were gonna
do a show about marriage,Copy !req
23. like a really honest,
real show.Copy !req
24. Yeah.
So what—Copy !req
25. This woman is trying to
raise two kidsCopy !req
26. and her husband just
keeps shittin' all over her,Copy !req
27. chipping away at all
the furnitureCopy !req
28. with his bad attitude.
Yeah.Copy !req
29. I mean, are you folks
seriously buying this shit?Copy !req
30. Louie, the show's
gonna be great.Copy !req
31. No, it's not!
Yeah.Copy !req
32. No, man, it's gonna suck, like
every show on television.Copy !req
33. We're making
all the same mistakes.Copy !req
34. The wife that's way too hot
for the dudeCopy !req
35. and the friend who
I would never hang out with.Copy !req
36. Bob, I love you, you're great,Copy !req
37. but there's no reason
for you to be on this show.Copy !req
38. I mean, honestly, no offense.Copy !req
39. None taken.Copy !req
40. You know what?Copy !req
41. Can you guys figure
this shit out, okay?Copy !req
42. I hitched to this horseCopy !req
43. - because you guys said you
wanted to get on air. - Yeah.Copy !req
44. In another couple of years,Copy !req
45. these fake tits
are gonna look stupid.Copy !req
46. So if I'm wasting my time here,
you need to tell me now.Copy !req
47. You're wasting your time, you are.
Great!Copy !req
48. No, no, Jennifer,
this is gonna be fine.Copy !req
49. It— we can't have a show
where everybodyCopy !req
50. just says whatever
'cause it's cute.Copy !req
51. Boo!Copy !req
52. Oh, you know what,
you people!Copy !req
53. Okay, okay, look..Copy !req
54. What do you want her
to say to you?Copy !req
55. What do I want her to say?
Yeah!Copy !req
56. You say the table is right hereCopy !req
57. and then what does she say?Copy !req
58. "I'm leaving you."Copy !req
59. That's not funny.Copy !req
60. Yes, it is.Copy !req
61. That's hilarious.Copy !req
62. Come on.Copy !req
63. "The opener's right there."Copy !req
64. "Yeah, but the table's
right here."Copy !req
65. "I'm leaving you."Copy !req
66. And then she leaves!Copy !req
67. And she takes the kids
and then this dudeCopy !req
68. has to finally face himselfCopy !req
69. because she's gone
and there's nobody elseCopy !req
70. to be an asshole to
but himself.Copy !req
71. Don't you wanna do—
don't you wanna do that show?Copy !req
72. Wouldn't you love
to do that show?Copy !req
73. Is everything okay at home,
Louie?Copy !req
74. Oh, Christ.Copy !req
75. No!Copy !req
76. All right, let's take a break.Copy !req
77. Oh, hi.Copy !req
78. Oh, okay.Copy !req
79. Okay, all right.Copy !req
80. Hey... hey.Copy !req
81. Oh, baby.Copy !req
82. Baby, baby, baby, baby.Copy !req
83. Your dad's not gonna have
a sitcom.Copy !req
84. Not gonna do it.Copy !req
85. I wanted to.Copy !req
86. I wanted to, so I wouldn't have
to be on the road all the time,Copy !req
87. away from you...Copy !req
88. and I just wouldn’t do it.Copy !req
89. Maybe I'm a coward.Copy !req
90. Sorry, baby.Copy !req
91. Your dad is a comedian.Copy !req
92. It's your tough luck.Copy !req
93. All right,
let's put you to sleep.Copy !req
94. Lilly...Copy !req
95. Lilly, I love you.Copy !req
96. Please put your hands togetherCopy !req
97. and make that loud clapping
sound for Louie C.K.!Copy !req
98. Thank you very much.Copy !req
99. Thank you, everybody.Copy !req
100. Uh, I have some notes
I'm gonna be working off of.Copy !req
101. I hope that's okay with you.Copy !req
102. I've never stopped anything
so cold in all my life.Copy !req
103. That was amazing.Copy !req
104. You guys were clapping so muchCopy !req
105. and now you look like you've
never clapped in your lives.Copy !req
106. That applause is so far in
the rear-view mirror right now.Copy !req
107. That's amazing
how quickly—Copy !req
108. "Yeah!"Copy !req
109. Um...Copy !req
110. There was a girl
once who blew meCopy !req
111. who subsequently
hung herself... to death.Copy !req
112. It's true.Copy !req
113. Um, she didn't do it
right after, just so you know.Copy !req
114. She didn't do it, like,
immediately after.Copy !req
115. She did it two years later.Copy !req
116. Because that's how long
it takes—Copy !req
117. that's how long you
can live with having blown meCopy !req
118. before you need to
end your life.Copy !req
119. That's how long—
everyone who has blown meCopy !req
120. has died two years later of
their own doing.Copy !req
121. That's the gestation
period for suicidal shameCopy !req
122. that comes from havingCopy !req
123. had my penis in your mouth.Copy !req
124. That's such an awful way to
describe blowin' somebody,Copy !req
125. "having had my penis
in your mouth."Copy !req
126. It doesn't— it just
gives you an image of somebody—Copy !req
127. Oh, I got something...Copy !req
128. Oh, I got this dick
in my mouth.Copy !req
129. Do I still have this—
Do you see this dick there?Copy !req
130. Oh, shit, yeah, you got his
dick in your mouth.Copy !req
131. Did you like your party?Copy !req
132. But it's nice just to be
here quiet with you.Copy !req
133. The party was hard.Copy !req
134. What's that?Copy !req
135. It's a present,
what do you think it is?Copy !req
136. For me?Copy !req
137. No, it's for the little old
lady who lives in your nose.Copy !req
138. Of course it's for you.Copy !req
139. What, did you really
think I was justCopy !req
140. gonna get you slippers?Copy !req
141. Can I open it?Copy !req
142. Not 'til your birthday.Copy !req
143. It is my birthday.Copy !req
144. Well, all right then.Copy !req
145. Tickets to...
To...Copy !req
146. Sabrina Bubble.Copy !req
147. That's right!Copy !req
148. Those were very hard to get.Copy !req
149. Nobody— nobody gets tickets
to Sabrina Bubble,Copy !req
150. but it turns out, she
and I have the same promoter...Copy !req
151. You don't like it.Copy !req
152. No, I do.Copy !req
153. Thank you, Daddy, thank you.Copy !req
154. It's so nice.Copy !req
155. It's so nice?Copy !req
156. It's supposed to be amazing.Copy !req
157. I'm sorry, Daddy.Copy !req
158. No, no, no, no, don't do that.Copy !req
159. I— I thought you
loved Sabrina Bubble.Copy !req
160. Who do you like now?Copy !req
161. Lady Gaga.Copy !req
162. Lady Gaga?Copy !req
163. Jesus, honey,
she's pretty grown up.Copy !req
164. She's amazing.Copy !req
165. She's my favorite.Copy !req
166. I— I appreciate
that you like her, but I—Copy !req
167. Lady Gaga's an artist.Copy !req
168. Honey, I wouldn't—
within reason,Copy !req
169. I would never tell you
what to listen to, but I—Copy !req
170. I want you to grow up to...Copy !req
171. to like yourself and have
a job and be strongCopy !req
172. and to think about
who you are, not...Copy !req
173. I don't want you to
think it's allCopy !req
174. about your looks
and glamour and stuff.Copy !req
175. Well, can't I grow up like thatCopy !req
176. and still like Lady Gaga?Copy !req
177. So what cities are we lookin'
at for the fall tour?Copy !req
178. All right, so I'm thinking
we start in Texas.Copy !req
179. Gonna cover
Houston, Austin, Dallas,Copy !req
180. San Antonio, then El Paso—
that's one week.Copy !req
181. Then we're gonna—
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
182. That's too
many nights in a row.Copy !req
183. I told you, I gotta
come home every weekCopy !req
184. to be with the kids,
three nights a week.Copy !req
185. I told you that.Copy !req
186. I can't go out for that long.Copy !req
187. Dude, Louie, you could
make so much more moneyCopy !req
188. if you stay out longer,
I'm telling you.Copy !req
189. I know that.Copy !req
190. But I got my kids
Monday, Tuesday,Copy !req
191. and Wednesday nights.Copy !req
192. I can't work those nights.Copy !req
193. That's just the way
it is, Doug.Copy !req
194. Okay, fine, I get it.Copy !req
195. You know what, we gotta go
back to El Paso next year.Copy !req
196. Just El Paso,
ri'em right in the ass.Copy !req
197. All right, all right,
okay, you don't have to...Copy !req
198. I'm sorry for cursing.Copy !req
199. I understand
about your kids, okay?Copy !req
200. I mean, I don't have kidsCopy !req
201. but I have a father,
so I get it.Copy !req
202. Um, did your girl like
the Sabrina Bubble tickets?Copy !req
203. You know what,
I forgot to tell you,Copy !req
204. she doesn't wanna go.
She didn't wanna go?Copy !req
205. No, she likes Lady Gaga now.Copy !req
206. Oh, shit, Lady Gaga?Copy !req
207. Yeah, can you get tickets?
No.Copy !req
208. No, just like that?
No, I can't— Lady Gaga?Copy !req
209. No way, man.Copy !req
210. Listen, we work with
Live Promotion Inc.Copy !req
211. She's AEG all the way.Copy !req
212. Oh...Copy !req
213. Does AEG handle any comedians?Copy !req
214. Only one.
Who?Copy !req
215. Dane Cook.Copy !req
216. Oh.Copy !req
217. Yeah.
Shit.Copy !req
218. Yeah, the arena dog.Copy !req
219. I mean, he's gonna be
at the Garden.Copy !req
220. If you want, I can
get you backstage passes,Copy !req
221. you can go talk to him.Copy !req
222. Hey, man.
Hey.Copy !req
223. What are you doin' here?Copy !req
224. I thought you hated Dane.Copy !req
225. I don't hate him.Copy !req
226. You should hate him,
he stole your jokes.Copy !req
227. I don't know
that he stole my jokes.Copy !req
228. Everybody says
he stole your jokes.Copy !req
229. He stole your jokes, stupid.Copy !req
230. I st came to talk
to him about something.Copy !req
231. I don't know...Copy !req
232. What are you doing here?
Pickin' up young pussy.Copy !req
233. All his fans are college age.Copy !req
234. You know... nice and snug.Copy !req
235. I get it.Copy !req
236. Dane says he'll see you.Copy !req
237. Come with us.Copy !req
238. All right, man, I'll see I you later.
All right, later.Copy !req
239. Take it easy.Copy !req
240. Comin' up on the right.Copy !req
241. Hold up for the hand-off.Copy !req
242. Crazy.Copy !req
243. He's coming down.Copy !req
244. Hey, Dane.Copy !req
245. Can I— can I talk to
you for a second?Copy !req
246. Yeah.Copy !req
247. Um, can you guys just
give me a minute?Copy !req
248. Yeah.Copy !req
249. Thanks.Copy !req
250. Uh...Copy !req
251. I need to ask you for a favor.Copy !req
252. Well, this should be, uh...Copy !req
253. That's really something.Copy !req
254. Okay.Copy !req
255. Look, I—
I know that, um...Copy !req
256. "Um" what?Copy !req
257. I have a daughter
and, uh—Copy !req
258. What can I do for you?Copy !req
259. I have a daughter, she's ten,Copy !req
260. she just turned ten,
she had a birthdayCopy !req
261. and she wants
to go see Lady Gaga.Copy !req
262. Lady Gaga.Copy !req
263. Awesome.Copy !req
264. And I know you have the same
promoter as her...Copy !req
265. Yeah.Copy !req
266. so I was hoping
that you could, uh...Copy !req
267. you could help me...Copy !req
268. to get her tickets...Copy !req
269. for her birthday.Copy !req
270. I could totally
do that for you,Copy !req
271. uh, easily.Copy !req
272. I know Lady Gaga.Copy !req
273. You do?Copy !req
274. And, uh, yeah, I could
get you tickets, backstage,Copy !req
275. and, uh, I could help you
to make your daughterCopy !req
276. very, very happy.Copy !req
277. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
278. All you have to do isCopy !req
279. go on YouTubeCopy !req
280. and tell everybody that
I did not steal your material.Copy !req
281. I never said that
you stole my jokes—Copy !req
282. You never said it.Copy !req
283. But you let other
people say it.Copy !req
284. What let?Copy !req
285. I can't tell
people what to say.Copy !req
286. You're full of shit!Copy !req
287. Dane, look—Copy !req
288. You know what?Copy !req
289. I'm excited that you're
in this room right nowCopy !req
290. 'cause I waited four yearsCopy !req
291. to tell you this.Copy !req
292. Do you know the year
2000 and six?Copy !req
293. 2000 and six?
Yes.Copy !req
294. 2000 and six.Copy !req
295. You don't really
say "2000 and six."Copy !req
296. It's 2006.Copy !req
297. "2000 and six" is like sayingCopy !req
298. the year 2000 and, by the way,
the number six.Copy !req
299. "2000 and six"Copy !req
300. was the greatest
year of my entire life.Copy !req
301. I had a double-platinum
comedy album.Copy !req
302. First one ever to exist.Copy !req
303. I had a massive HBO special.Copy !req
304. I was on
the cover of "TIME."Copy !req
305. Well, you were on the corner,Copy !req
306. the little corner thing.Copy !req
307. It wasn't the—Copy !req
308. Not like when the president
is on the cover.Copy !req
309. 2000 and six.Copy !req
310. That should've
been like my triumph,Copy !req
311. and I enjoyed it, Louie,
for maybe two months.Copy !req
312. Two months before
it started to suckCopy !req
313. because everything
I read about me was aboutCopy !req
314. how I stole jokes from you,
which I didn't.Copy !req
315. I kind of think you did.Copy !req
316. Dude, why would
I steal three jokes from youCopy !req
317. when I have hours of material?Copy !req
318. Why?
Why would I do that?Copy !req
319. Risk my reputation!Copy !req
320. 'Cause they were funny jokes.Copy !req
321. You know what, Louie?Copy !req
322. You know what the biggest
lie in the world is?Copy !req
323. Is that I'm a rock star,Copy !req
324. I'm a millionaire,
I'm— I'm a comedy behemothCopy !req
325. and you're like a comic's comicCopy !req
326. and you're an inside-joke guy
and I'm a selloutCopy !req
327. and— and I sold my soulCopy !req
328. and you have— you have
artistic integrityCopy !req
329. and you're a—
you're a good guy.Copy !req
330. We're in this room right now,
you and me.Copy !req
331. You looking at me.Copy !req
332. You let your name
be used to hurt me.Copy !req
333. And now you're sitting here,
asking me to use my fameCopy !req
334. to get you
tickets to Lady Gaga.Copy !req
335. I mean, how shitty do you
feel right now?Copy !req
336. Very.Copy !req
337. So you admit that
this is all bullshit.Copy !req
338. You wanna know what I think?Copy !req
339. You wanna...Copy !req
340. I don't think that you
saw me do those jokesCopy !req
341. and said, "I'm gonna
tell those jokes, too."Copy !req
342. I don't think there's a world
where you're that stupidCopy !req
343. or that bad a guy.Copy !req
344. I— I do think, though,
that you're like—Copy !req
345. you're like
a machine of success.Copy !req
346. You're like— like a rocketCopy !req
347. and you're rocketing
to the starsCopy !req
348. and your engines
are sucking stuff up.Copy !req
349. Stuff is getting sucked up
in your engines,Copy !req
350. like birds and bugs
and some of my jokes.Copy !req
351. I think you saw me
do them—Copy !req
352. I know you saw me do themCopy !req
353. and I think they
just went in your brainCopy !req
354. and I don't think you
meant to do it,Copy !req
355. but I don't think
you stopped yourself, either.Copy !req
356. And that's why I never felt
the need to help youCopy !req
357. not be hated
by a lot of people.Copy !req
358. But I feel bad.Copy !req
359. I mean, I do, I feel bad.Copy !req
360. That's great that you
feel bad, right here,Copy !req
361. in this room, just, y'know,
the two of us, alone.Copy !req
362. Maybe if you felt bad publicly,Copy !req
363. on the Internet, then this
could all be behind us—Copy !req
364. Well, well, are you
willing to admit,Copy !req
365. even for a minute, that
maybe— maybe you inadvertentlyCopy !req
366. took 'emok or some—Copy !req
367. maybe you had some part of it?Copy !req
368. Maybe they got in your brain
and you shat 'em out.Copy !req
369. Maybe it was inadvertent,
but maybe it did happen.Copy !req
370. I— I shouldn't have
come here, man—Copy !req
371. Louie, do you want the tickets?Copy !req
372. Because I'm sure that your—Copy !req
373. Honestly, I think
that your daughter—Copy !req
374. I bet she's really nice.Copy !req
375. But you got a lot of
nerve comin' in here, man.Copy !req
376. I don't know, it's like
I don't have kids,Copy !req
377. so I don't—
I don't get it,Copy !req
378. but it must mean a lot
for you to, you know,Copy !req
379. come in here and do this,Copy !req
380. so, um...
you want the tickets?Copy !req
381. Thank you, I—Copy !req
382. Yes, I'd like the tickets.Copy !req
383. How many?
Two, please.Copy !req
384. You got 'em, mm-hmm, okay.
That's good.Copy !req
385. Thank you, I appreciate it
a lot, seriously.Copy !req
386. You know, the one thing
that, like,Copy !req
387. really just...Copy !req
388. gets to me
is the whole thing about,Copy !req
389. um, people saying that
I stole the joke aboutCopy !req
390. the itchy asshole?Copy !req
391. Because... I— I get
an itchy asshole... a lot.Copy !req
392. So for you to think that
you're the only personCopy !req
393. who got an itchy
asshole in America—Copy !req
394. I mean, that's like, that's...
that's bullshit, y'know?Copy !req
395. You should try a...
a natural laundry detergent.Copy !req
396. What?Copy !req
397. Your daughter is ten?Copy !req
398. Yeah.Copy !req
399. Why are you
getting her tickets?Copy !req
400. What do you mean?Copy !req
401. She's ten.Copy !req
402. I mean, I remember being ten.Copy !req
403. An envelope when
you're ten is...Copy !req
404. it's a bummer.Copy !req
405. You know, when you're a kid,
you want, like, a box.Copy !req
406. You know, why don't
you go get her something?Copy !req
407. Get her something, like
a gift that you found,Copy !req
408. from her daddy, you know?Copy !req
409. A box is exciting
when you're a kid.Copy !req
410. An envelope is, you know...Copy !req
411. Oh, shit.Copy !req
412. Hey, you want a snack?Copy !req
413. Oh, yeah, thanks, Dad.Copy !req
414. No, not yet, this first.Copy !req
415. Can I open it?Copy !req
416. Yes!Copy !req
417. Thanks, Daddy.Copy !req
418. That's nice.Copy !req
419. Okay, happy birthday.Copy !req
420. Thanks.Copy !req
421. Hey, what's up?Copy !req
422. You didn't open that on
the kitchen table, did you?Copy !req
423. Nope.Copy !req
424. Are you lying?
Yep.Copy !req
425. Why do you do that?Copy !req
426. The opener
is right in the drawer.Copy !req
427. Yeah, but the table's
right here.Copy !req
428. Louie!Copy !req
429. I love you.Copy !req
430. I love you, too.Copy !req
431. You're everything to me.Copy !req