Louie 2x6

Directed by Louis C.K.

Louie rides the subway and hangs out with his friend.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Can't mess with me,

2. got the world by the balls, baby.

3. Going for the full ride.

4. Can't get over myself.

5. 14 years old, born in 1997.

6. Here's my school I.D.

7. I'm a junior in high school.

8. I skipped the 9th grade, skipped the 10th grade.

9. Man, I'm gonna graduate at 16.

10. Marry you right now, come on, girl.

11. Don't be scared.

12. I'm gonna be educated.

13. Come on, girl.

14. Gonna rain.

15. Gonna rain.

16. Why did you wanna come here?

17. I don't know, it's a good place.

18. Did you wanna take me here

19. because it looks Frenchy and cool-looking?

20. No, I mean...

21. Have you ever eaten here?

22. Yeah... When?

23. Liar.

24. You picked it out because you thought

25. that I would think you were cool,

26. which you're not, you need to face it.

27. You're very, very un-cool, Louie.

28. And you're very boring.

29. Yeah, well, you're not exactly—

30. Yes, I am exactly.

31. Come on, you think I'm awesome.

32. I think you're okay, it's just the way it is.

33. We need to admit that or just walk away.

34. Okay.

35. I wish the food would come.

36. Why? 'Cause I'm starving.

37. Really, you're starving?

38. You can't just be hungry for a second?

39. Is your life gonna end?

40. Do you have to constantly shove bread in your hole?

41. I don't have to.

42. Ugh, my God.

43. That guy who just walked in.

44. Which one?

45. The one over there with the face.

46. Yeah?

47. Yeah, I think I did something with him.

48. You did something?

49. What, you robbed a bank?

50. No, I did something.

51. Oh.

52. Ten years ago, I don't know.

53. My God.

54. He didn't get old.

55. So you slept with him.

56. I don't know I don't remember.

57. But you said you did something.

58. Yeah, but I don't know if this

59. is my mouth, my pussy, or...

60. Or?

61. Yeah, "or."

62. I used to do that.

63. You used to? Yeah.

64. Quite a bit.

65. But now...

66. Now, I mean, it's not like I officially retired.

67. It's not like they hung my jersey from the rafters,

68. but, definitely no one's been in there for awhile.

69. It just kinda tapered off. It tapered off?

70. Yeah.

71. The constant flow of penises into your asshole

72. just— just tapered off.

73. Yeah, just died out.

74. Must've been global warming or something.

75. Long term.

76. Thank you.

77. Thank you.

78. Oh, my God.

79. Th That's really go.

80. Oh, my Jesus.

81. Mmm.

82. Kick a Jesus in the face, this is delicious.

83. I told you this is a great place.

84. Shut up, you didn't know.

85. This is the best thing I've ever tasted.

86. I'm gonna eat this and then go home and kill myself.

87. I can't wait to eat the shit that I take

88. from eating this food.

89. Oh, my God, that's the funniest thing you ever said.

90. Seriously, that's the first time you've ever made me laugh.

91. Louie, you're the unfunniest comedian in the world.

92. That's the first thing you ever said that was funny.

93. Look how pleased she is with herself.

94. Oh, she is so pleased. No.

95. Good for you. Okay.

96. Good for her. Uh-huh.

97. Just shut up.

98. Last week, I took Serge to Disney World.

99. He was too scared to go on any rides.

100. It was such a bummer.

101. I was so excited, I love rides.

102. But he cried like a little bitch every time

103. I tried to get him to go on one.

104. Ah, poor little guy.

105. What, poor?

106. He's ten, he can't be afraid of shit like that.

107. If he's scared, he's scared.

108. No, not. What no not?

109. I have to toughen him up.

110. He can't go through life being afraid of everything.

111. Yeah, but it's normal to be afraid of a ride.

112. It's not like there's a lot of challenges in life where

113. you're gonna be thrown around 'til you puke.

114. So it's— you're building a skill

115. he gets to use only at Disney World.

116. I get it, 'cause I hate rides.

117. You get scared?

118. Yeah, I went on a Ferris wheel one time,

119. and I screamed like a little girl

120. who just saw a spider in her vagina.

121. Oh, man.

122. Oh, Jesus, you're on a roll.

123. Whoa.

124. No.

125. Pamela... What?

126. Pamela...

127. Oh, come on.

128. Can't we just share a laugh?

129. Why you gotta take it to the level all the time?

130. Look at your face.

131. Look, we both know...

132. Don't... don't, please.

133. I just have this feeling— Don't, no—

134. —these feelings. I don't want to see your bummed-out face

135. at the end of this road.

136. Just please stop the car, Louie.

137. Why?

138. Because... I value your friendship.

139. And you're about to end it.

140. Why are you saying that?

141. Because...

142. you keep pressing me, man.

143. And I can't go that way.

144. You're gonna get so bummed out and you're gonna wanna stop

145. hanging out with me.

146. You're worried I'm not gonna wanna hang out with you?

147. Dude.

148. Look, I know you don't feel the same way about me.

149. I get— I know that, I'm not stupid.

150. I don't— it's fine.

151. I'm actually fine with the way things are,

152. that I'm in a constant state of agitation.

153. It's actually better than any real requited

154. love/sex thing I ever had.

155. Okay, now you're depressing me.

156. I'm— no, I'm saying that I— I wanna be your friend.

157. And it's okay with me that there's nothing else.

158. But can I just—

159. Can I just tell you one time the way I feel about you?

160. You wanna tell me?

161. Yes, and I'll be your friend, and I won't press you

162. to be anything else, I promise,

163. if you just let me get it out one time.

164. You wanna tell me?

165. Yes... please.

166. Go ahead.

167. Pamela, I'm in love with you.

168. Uh. Yeah, it's that bad.

169. You're so beautiful to me.

170. Oh, okay, ew. Just shut up!

171. Let me tell you, let me.

172. Every time I look at your face or even remember it,

173. it wrecks me.

174. And the way you are with me, and you're just fun,

175. and you're— you shit all over me

176. and you make fun of me and you're real.

177. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough.

178. I feel like I'm gonna live a thousand years

179. 'cause that's how long it's gonna take me

180. to have one thought about you,

181. which is that I'm crazy about you, Pamela.

182. I don't wanna be with anybody else.

183. Louie...

184. I don't.

185. I really don't.

186. I don't think about women anymore, I think about you.

187. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train.

188. We were on this train and you were holding my hand.

189. That's the whole dream.

190. You were holding my hand.

191. And I felt you holding my hand.

192. I woke up and I couldn't believe it wasn't real.

193. I'm sick in love with you, Pam.

194. It's like a condition.

195. It's like polio.

196. I feel like I'm gonna die if I can't be with you.

197. And I can't be with you.

198. So I'm gonna die.

199. And I don't care.

200. 'Cause I was brought into existence to know you,

201. and that's enough.

202. The idea that you would want me back,

203. it's like greedy.

204. I'm doing a bad job at this.

205. No, you're not.

206. I'm not?

207. No.

208. It's a good job.

209. It's a... jewel.

210. Good job.

211. Is there any planet,

212. any part of the world that you'd feel any of the same—

213. is there even a shard

214. of a fraction of the feelings that you have?

215. Oh, no.

216. I'm.. No...

217. Yeah, no.

218. Just not— Yeah, no.

219. But that was gorgeous.

220. That made me feel really good.

221. Good, good.

222. All right.

223. That was really...

224. Nothing coming back the other direction?

225. Not even— no, not no, just nothing.

226. No, sorry.

227. But nice, good.

228. Okay.

229. Yeah.

230. Okay.

231. So, let's just keep walking around...

232. very awkwardly then.

233. Great, let's continue.

234. I need to go food shopping.

235. Wanna help me? Yes, anything.

236. Oh, be careful.

237. Okay.

238. Sorry, it's really messy.

239. All right.

240. Just— that's perfect.

241. Thanks.

242. Where's Serge? Huh?

243. Where is Serge?

244. Oh, he, uh— he has a sleepover after soccer.

245. You want something to drink?

246. You wanna take a bath?

247. You hungry?

248. I'm kinda tired.

249. Oh, okay.

250. Well, we could just—

251. I think I'm just gonna— just go home.

252. Okay.

253. All right.

254. I'll see ya later.

255. Oh, oh... yes.

256. I will see you... later.

257. All right, that was...

258. Yeah?

259. Hey. Hey.

260. Did you just ask me if I wanted to take a bath?

261. Yeah.

262. Did you mean with you?

263. Yep.

264. You wanted to take a bath with me?

265. It was an impulse, so...

266. You seriously wanted to take a bath with me?

267. Yeah, for a second,

268. and not anymore and never again,

269. and eww, and goodbye.

270. And Jesus, did you just blow that,

271. and goodbye.

272. And 43-year-old couples are funny

273. because they act like old couples.

274. They act like your grandparents.

275. Because they're already building those skills.

276. You know that way your grandparents are

277. with each other?

278. They didn't start that at 80.

279. They started it as soon as they figured out

280. they're not getting out.

281. I was with my friends, this couple,

282. and the guy, he just goes for long walks.

283. For hours, he just walks.

284. And she doesn't get it.

285. She's like, "He just walks, it's weird.

286. He just goes for, I don't know, likes his long walks."

287. Of course he does,

288. he's running out the clock on the rest of his life.

289. He's trying to stay as far as possible from the person

290. he's gonna spend the rest of his life with.

291. And that's like your grandparents,

292. what your grandmother talks about your grandfather.

293. "Ah, he just stands in the backyard for hours.

294. He's crazy."

295. That's 'cause he hates you a lot!

296. He hates you a lot.

297. He hates you more than he loves you, Grandma.

298. And that's why every time your mouth opens, he goes, "Ugh,"

299. and then he just stands out there looking

300. at where the grass meets the pavement.

301. "Yeah?

302. Comin'."