Louie 2x4

1. I feel bad, you know.

2. I'm like that way as a father, too.

3. Like, I have two kids and I have a responsibility

4. to stay in shape so I can take care of 'em, but I don't.

5. Like, I'm always in a 48-hour window of diarrhea,

6. either that I had it

7. or I'll be having it...

8. within 48 hours of any given moment.

9. There's always two diarrheas running up...

10. along the slide of my life

11. and I'm in somewhere.

12. And depending on how— where in that window I am

13. dictates how much of a radius from my home

14. I'm willing to venture.

15. Otherwise, I'm having diarrhea in a public restroom

16. with my kids standing there watching me,

17. 'cause they're little.

18. I can't leave 'em out in a place.

19. "Daddy, I don't want you to have diarrhea!"

20. Sorry, honey, you want to go to the aquarium,

21. this is what happens.

22. I told you, let's go to the deli

23. and buy a "Daily News" and go home,

24. but you wanted to get all fancy and go to the aquarium,

25. so you gotta watch Daddy shit water out of his asshole.

26. Hello, Sunshine Deli.

27. Hi, can I order some food for delivery?

28. Okay, what you want?

29. Uh, can I get some milk, pase?

30. 2%?

31. No, whole milk.

32. Yeah, oh— 2%.

33. And OJ.

34. Pulp? What?

35. Pulp?

36. Sorry?

37. Pulp?

38. I... I still don't know.

39. Pulp?

40. It's just a noise, I'm sorry.

41. I just— Can you please— Pulp?

42. Oh.

43. Yeah, no pulp.

44. One second.

45. Nah.

46. Sorry, we don't have.

47. All right, forget it.

48. Forget everything or just OJ?

49. No, just the OJ.

50. What else you want?

51. Cream cheese.

52. The kind with the pink thing in the—

53. Yes, I know what kind.

54. Everybody gets.

55. Also, do you have apples?

56. Yes.

57. And bananas.

58. How many bananas?

59. Just a bunch.

60. How many?

61. Can you just bring some?

62. Bananas are loose, my friend.

63. How many you want?

64. I don't know, six.

65. 60 bananas.

66. No, six. 60.

67. Why are you hearing extra letters?

68. Who— Why would I want— Who wants 60 bananas?

69. You want 60 bananas.

70. No, I don't want 60 bananas.

71. I...

72. Just hold on a second, please.

73. Hello?

74. Hello, who is this?

75. Hi, Carleen.

76. What's the matter?

77. I just...

78. I— I can't—

79. Okay, just— Dude, what— Tell me what happened.

80. Oh, Louie, I am so sorry

81. I wasn't a better big sister to you.

82. You needed...

83. someone just to look after you.

84. It's okay, Carly, just—

85. You know, maybe go to bed.

86. It's not fair.

87. I should have looked out for you.

88. You were just little.

89. I gotta go.

90. Do you remember, there was that—

91. that kid that lived on the street, Michael?

92. Michael?

93. Yeah.

94. He was really nice to me.

95. You know, he was just a really nice guy.

96. I don't remember him saying one mean thing.

97. Do you remember him?

98. Yes, I remember him.

99. I— I gotta go.

100. Louie.

101. Please, drink a big glass of water

102. and you'll feel better, okay?

103. Bye.

104. Louie?

105. Do not answer.

106. Just don't answer the phone.

107. Sunshine Deli.

108. I don't know who made the rules

109. for how you're supposed to act when you meet people.

110. I don't know why it is every time I meet somebody,

111. they turn out to be crazy.

112. Like, I was in New York last week and this—

113. Is anybody listening to my voice right now?

114. Is anybody actually paying attention?

115. Come on, folks.

116. Just give me a chance.

117. I— I understand why you're here.

118. You lost money at the tables

119. and now they get you free tickets to this

120. so that you wouldn't kill yourself.

121. Sir, please don't go gamble more, don't!

122. Don't do it!

123. Don't do— Don't go to the—

124. Don't play blackjack!

125. Can we close that door to the casino?

126. Is there any way—

127. Please, can we close that door to the casino?

128. Folks, why are you giving your mon*** to Donald Trump?

129. Why would you do that?

130. He's a billionaire and you—

131. Come on, you work hard for your money.

132. And he has billions of dollars and you're giving him—

133. You came here on a shitty bus

134. to give Donald Trump your 75¢.

135. You give him your money

136. and all you get is tickets to this show

137. and I'm not even funny, so how is that—

138. Oh, oh, thank you.

139. Yeah, thank you.

140. Now you're united as a people in hatred of me.

141. That's nice.

142. Well, you people.

143. How does that sound, how does that grab you?

144. No, come on, I'm sorry.

145. I'm sorry.

146. I'm really sorry.

147. It says right here:

148. "You will not disparage the casino,

149. "you will not make jokes about gambling,

150. "disparaging gambling,

151. "you will not disparage Donald Trump,

152. "you will not act in a rude manner toward the audience,

153. "you will not use the F-word,

154. "the N-word or the D-word.

155. You will not leave the stage—" Wait, wait, wait, what's— what's the—

156. What's the D-word?

157. I don't know, but you've used the F-word

158. and you did all these other things.

159. Yeah, but you guys don't police the room.

160. You don't do anything to control it.

161. People come walking in, they're talking,

162. they walk out in the middle of the show.

163. You don't even close the door to the casino.

164. We can't close the door, see.

165. We only make money when they're on the floor.

166. Every minute they're in your show, we're not making money.

167. Well, then why am I even here?

168. Gives the people something to do.

169. You know, you guys have a nice theater here.

170. Why don't you put me in the theater?

171. I would do great in there. You don't draw a crowd here.

172. I do, I draw!

173. I was just in Chicago, I sold out 1,200 seats.

174. Well, that's Chicago.

175. They got all those people.

176. You're a comic's-comic type.

177. They come out for you.

178. Here, that's not worth a thing.

179. Look...

180. you're a nice guy.

181. I'm not into being punitive.

182. But I need you to promise me

183. that you won't break any of these rules,

184. or I'm gonna have to fire you.

185. Well, you know what, you better fire me.

186. 'Cause I can't get through the weekend

187. if I can't say how much I hate it.

188. All right.

189. I'll put in your release.

190. Keep the room tonight, you go home tomorrow.

191. All right, thank you.

192. I don't know why

193. you just don't want to keep your mouth shut

194. and keep the money.

195. I don't know, either.

196. do a nude picture and she wouldn't do it,

197. and she should do it because women's breasts drop.

198. Women's bodies drop, goddamn it.

199. It's— it's so unfair.

200. Oh, oh, wait, just you wait.

201. Without a brassiere, this is how I go to the bathroom at night.

202. Without a brassiere, I could nurse China from the bedroom.

203. You have no idea.

204. Everything— My ass—

205. I thought a stagehand pinched me, he stepped on it.

206. Everything...

207. And vaginas drop.

208. Vaginas drop, yes.

209. Yes, I had no idea.

210. I woke up six years ago, I said,

211. "Why am I wearing a bunny slipper?"

212. And...

213. And why is it gray?

214. Vagin— And no one tells you.

215. If my mother had said to me,

216. "Joan, your vagina's gonna drop,"

217. I would have said, "Great."

218. If she'd have said, "Joan, when you get older,

219. "your vagina's gonna drop,

220. "but this is a good thing,

221. "because you can still have sex in the bedroom

222. and watch TV in the living room,"

223. I would have gone, "Okay."

224. Well, men's bodies drop, too, so ha-ha-ha.

225. You put a man over 50— I'm gonna show you.

226. Who's over 50 here?

227. I'm gonna show you.

228. I am gonna show you.

229. Their balls— You sit a man over 50 on the toilet,

230. it looks like he's making a cup of tea.

231. And— Yes!

232. Will you sign this for me? Absolutely.

233. Thanks so much.

234. You're very funny. Thank you.

235. Thank you so much. Thank you.

236. Thank you very, very much.

237. Okay.

238. Hi. Hello.

239. Can I get a picture? Abso— Sure, of course.

240. Do you want to be in it?

241. Do you want to take it for us?

242. Here, come on in, be in it, be in it.

243. That's the whole point.

244. Here we go.

245. Smile.

246. Good.

247. Thank you. Thank you very much.

248. Pleasure, thank you, no problem.

249. Do you have any Purell?

250. Yes, ma'am.

251. Hey, Joan. Hi.

252. Hi, my name's Louie, I'm a comic.

253. Yeah, I know, I know, I've seen you, you're very funny.

254. Oh, thanks. I saw you on cable.

255. Thank you.

256. Well, I saw— I'm playing the lounge here

257. and I saw your show and I'm— I just—

258. It's— You were so good tonight and—

259. Thank you.

260. It's nice hearing that from young comics.

261. And even somebody your age. I just want you to know, I think you're great.

262. - I just have— always have thought you were great. - Thank you.

263. Good, so...

264. It was nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

265. Okay.

266. You want to hang out?

267. You want to talk, gossip?

268. Got any good gossip?

269. Shop? I would love that.

270. Good, all right. That would be great.

271. You know what, meet me upstairs in my suite, if you would.

272. 'Cause I don't like to drink in front of everybody.

273. Sure. Okay?

274. Come have a drink and we'll talk.

275. Okay, thanks. Great.

276. Great.

277. What's... her room number?

278. Gonna be in room 3-A. Okay.

279. Coming, coming.

280. Good, you found it. Hi.

281. Hi, nice to see you.

282. Go on in. Okay.

283. Wow.

284. Yeah, it's nice, huh? Yeah.

285. Cher had this place, she slept here.

286. Madonna, Bette Midler.

287. And believe me, I know, 'cause they don't change the sheets.

288. Sit down.

289. Okay.

290. Would you like something to drink?

291. Yeah, whatever you're having.

292. Okay.

293. I'm always— I always have a little vodka,

294. if you don't mind.

295. Sure.

296. Tell me when.

297. That's— Right there's good. Good.

298. And...

299. Okay.

300. And...

301. To comedy.

302. Thank you very much.

303. So...

304. you're in the lounge.

305. I was.

306. You were fired?

307. I quit.

308. What do you mean you quit?

309. Nobody quits. I quit.

310. Are you crazy?

311. Are you a trust-fund baby that you quit?

312. No, it's just that they got upset

313. 'cause I was saying stuff about the casino

314. and I was making fun of Trump and...

315. You're in a Trump hotel.

316. You don't make fun of the owner of the hotel.

317. Are you crazy?

318. He's not gonna hire a comedian that's gonna say,

319. "Donald Trump."

320. I know, but I— I—

321. Y'know, this is not an easy business.

322. I mean, you want to try my life sometimes?

323. I work in Arizona, how about that?

324. And Indian casinos, you think that's easy?

325. You tell a joke, they don't like it,

326. instead of a tomato, they throw a tomahawk?

327. What do you expect?

328. I mean, you got a job.

329. How lucky are you, for goodness sakes?

330. Yeah, but come on.

331. You're in the nice theater here.

332. They got me in the shitty lounge.

333. I was in the shitty lounge, sweetie puss, two years ago.

334. For all I know, I'll be back in the shitty lounge

335. two years from now

336. and you'll be in the main room.

337. Things change.

338. That's the business.

339. Look at the perks you're getting.

340. You've got a job.

341. You got a card for the free food

342. in the employee cafeteria.

343. I mean, stop bitching and go buy yourself

344. a pocketbook that's lined in plastic

345. and throw food in when they're not looking.

346. Yeah, great.

347. You know what's wrong with you guys?

348. You don't know when you're lucky.

349. Appreciate where you are, for God's sakes.

350. It goes up, it goes down.

351. I thought I had the lock on old.

352. Lock on old.

353. And then guess what?

354. Back from the dead, Betty White.

355. Dusted off her old dumb tits and trotted 'em out.

356. It could happen to you.

357. You think you're doing so well

358. insulting what's-his-name,

359. "Dane Clark" guy, that asshole?

360. He can come out and take a job from you.

361. Know when you're lucky.

362. Yeah, I know.

363. I mean, I know all that.

364. It's just that sometimes I get sick of the bullshit.

365. Sick of the bullshit?

366. What is your problem?

367. I am a million years old.

368. Do you know what I've been through?

369. I've been in this business for a million and two years

370. and I'm a woman.

371. I'm a woman!

372. It's not easy to—

373. Do you know how many blow jobs I had to give

374. to get where I am now?

375. Come on, give me— give me a number, give me a number.

376. How many blow jobs did it take for Joan Rivers

377. to end up in a suite with lots of flowers?

378. I don't want to guess that. Guess, come on.

379. To go from clubs to Carson and Carson to Fox

380. and my own show on daytime, an Emmy,

381. and then the red carpet.

382. Give me a number, give me a— I don't want to guess.

383. And then with Melissa, now I have my own show with Melissa.

384. Give me a number— guess, guess, come on.

385. Give me a number, guess, guess, guess, guess, guess.

386. I want to hear a number.

387. 40?

388. Excuse me?

389. Around 40?

390. What the...

391. How dare you?

392. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I have never—

393. What are you talking about?

394. I'm sorry! I haven't given any!

395. None! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

396. None— Oh, don't you be sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

397. I don't do blow jobs!

398. I got here on—

399. Smell my breath!

400. I don't do blow jobs! Okay, I'm sorry!

401. That's not what gets you places in this business,

402. for God's sakes.

403. God! I thought you were saying it was a lot.

404. I'm sorry.

405. Don't talk to me anymore for a second, for God's sake.

406. I'm sorry.

407. Listen.

408. I'm a mother.

409. Are you a mother?

410. No, I'm not a mother.

411. Yeah, well, I thought you were, the way you whine

412. like an old bitch with fat twins.

413. That's what you whine like.

414. My God.

415. You listen to me.

416. I have done it all.

417. I've done it all.

418. And the only thing I've learned,

419. the only thing I've learned is,

420. you don't quit.

421. You don't quit.

422. You have a job, for God's sakes.

423. You don't quit a job.

424. You're right. Of course I'm right.

425. Listen, you'll be fine.

426. You'll be absolutely fine.

427. Tomorrow morning, you just go downstairs

428. and you go tell Sam—

429. it is still Sam, right?

430. I don't— I don't remember his name.

431. What do you mean you don't remember his name?

432. You work for the guy, you gotta know the guy's name.

433. How can you work for someone and not know their name?

434. You think you only meet these people once?

435. You gotta learn their names, for God's sakes.

436. You learn their names on the way up

437. so when you need their help on the way down,

438. you have the name.

439. His name is Sam.

440. I think his name is Sam.

441. His name is Sam and he is a person.

442. Tomorrow morning, you go down there

443. and you say, "Sam, I'm sorry, I was wrong."

444. That's important.

445. "I want my job back."

446. Okay, all right.

447. Listen.

448. I wish I could tell you it gets better,

449. but... it doesn't get better.

450. You get better.

451. Think it's been easy?

452. I've gone up, I've gone down,

453. I've been bankrupt, I've been broke.

454. But you do it, and you do it because...

455. because we love it more than anything else.

456. That's why you're doing it.

457. If you want a real job, honey,

458. there are a million things you can do,

459. but what we do is not a job.

460. Sounds so stupid.

461. What we do...

462. is a calling, my dear.

463. We make people happy.

464. It's a calling.

465. What— What the— What are you doing—

466. Are you craz— Are you craz—

467. Get away from me, you stupid ass! I'm sorry!

468. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Sorry?

469. Sorry— I'm older than your grandmother!

470. What, are you crazy?

471. I got— I just got carried away.

472. God almighty!

473. I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

474. It's all right, it's okay, it's all right, fine.

475. Okay.

476. It's all right, it's accepted.

477. What the hell.

478. Come on.

479. But don't you dare tell anybody. No, no.

480. I mean, it's for your sake, not for mine.

481. Nobody likes necrophiliacs, okay? All right.

482. And if you meet Melissa, nothing.

483. She still thinks I'm a virgin.

484. I swear, she thinks she popped out of me one Easter.

485. Oh, and... no staying over.

486. That's fine.

487. Fine?

488. No, I just mean I—

489. Yeah, fine, whatever. Okay.

490. Hey, Sam!