1. I was on an airplane and there
was a Hasidic Jewish manCopy !req
2. trying to put an
enormous bag under the seat.Copy !req
3. It doesn't matter that
he was Hasidic,Copy !req
4. but it's a detail.Copy !req
5. It's a detail.Copy !req
6. When you try to put enormous
bags under seats,Copy !req
7. folks notice
the kind of person you are.Copy !req
8. They make note.Copy !req
9. They say some
Chinese guy—Copy !req
10. whatever you are—
they're going to describe you.Copy !req
11. They're not just gonna say,Copy !req
12. "A man put a giant thing
under a seat."Copy !req
13. What kind of man?Copy !req
14. It's not important.Copy !req
15. Just a fellow.Copy !req
16. No, this guy trying to
shove this thing under the seatCopy !req
17. and no one can leave, 'cause
he's not gonna not do it.Copy !req
18. And the flight attendant
was a guy—Copy !req
19. and I'm not gonna say he was gay,Copy !req
20. 'cause that's not important.Copy !req
21. It doesn't enter into the story.Copy !req
22. I'm gonna call
the Jewish guy a Jewish guyCopy !req
23. and I'm gonna call the gay guy
just some guy.Copy !req
24. How do you like that?Copy !req
25. Isn't that unfair?Copy !req
26. I'm not gonna identify him
as gay,Copy !req
27. 'cause I don't
want to discredit them.Copy !req
28. Actually, he didn't do
anything wrong.Copy !req
29. So...Copy !req
30. Boy, what a disaster
this is right now.Copy !req
31. Jewish guy trying to put
the thing under the seatCopy !req
32. and the guy's going,
"Sir, it's not gonna fit."Copy !req
33. It's— He was only slightly gay,
like that.Copy !req
34. He wasn't like,
"Sir, it's not gonna fit!Copy !req
35. No, he just said,
"Sir, it's not gonna fit."Copy !req
36. "It's going to fit,Copy !req
37. "I know it's going to fit.Copy !req
38. "It's going to fit,
I'm telling you.Copy !req
39. Moses..."Copy !req
40. What are you doing?Copy !req
41. I'm moving this desk so I can
put something else there.Copy !req
42. You better ask her first.Copy !req
43. It's all right, baby.Copy !req
44. You better ask Mama,
she put that there.Copy !req
45. Baby, Mama doesn't
live here anymore.Copy !req
46. She lives at her place, okay?Copy !req
47. But she used to live here,Copy !req
48. and what if she came over
and you moved that?Copy !req
49. Hmm?Copy !req
50. You suck, man.Copy !req
51. You suck at comedy.Copy !req
52. There's a lot of cheap places
on the Upper West Side,Copy !req
53. but I'd have to—Copy !req
54. It's just so far
from the kids' school.Copy !req
55. Your mom ate my asshole
last night.Copy !req
56. It was good.Copy !req
57. Not great, but it was good.Copy !req
58. Wanna know why it wasn't great?Copy !req
59. Do you want to know why
it wasn't great?Copy !req
60. Why?Copy !req
61. Because it was your mom
and she sucks.Copy !req
62. I could go to Midtown,Copy !req
63. take the subway to
school every day.Copy !req
64. I don't know, man.Copy !req
65. Oh, you know what?Copy !req
66. Can I pitch an idea to you?Copy !req
67. It's a project.
Yeah, sure.Copy !req
68. Okay.Copy !req
69. Okay, this is great.Copy !req
70. We start with your mom.Copy !req
71. We kind of lower her
into a bathtub,Copy !req
72. but the bathtub's
not filled with water,Copy !req
73. it's filled with diarrhea
from homeless people,Copy !req
74. and then we put this
thing on her head, um...Copy !req
75. What are those things?Copy !req
76. It's like a brick,
but bit's bigger and gray.Copy !req
77. A cinder block?Copy !req
78. A cinder block,
we put a cinder block,Copy !req
79. put it on top of her head
to kind of hold her down.Copy !req
80. Do you know anybody who
lives in the East Village?Copy !req
81. I'm not done, I'm not done.Copy !req
82. I'm sorry, man, I got to
go to an open house.Copy !req
83. Can you tell me about this later?Copy !req
84. Yeah, that was, like,
10% of the idea.Copy !req
85. I gotta go to an open house.Copy !req
86. I'll see you later.
All right, can you—Copy !req
87. Oh, yeah.
Thanks.Copy !req
88. Yeah.Copy !req
89. There's a lot more to it,
I think you're gonna like it.Copy !req
90. Okay, cool, thanks.
Some twists and turns.Copy !req
91. I'll see you later.
Cool.Copy !req
92. This is a great place.Copy !req
93. There's lots of light,
really modern,Copy !req
94. plenty of space.Copy !req
95. None of those things
are true about this place.Copy !req
96. This one is available
first of the month.Copy !req
97. Okay, so I really
want to thank youCopy !req
98. for helping me look—
Thanks.Copy !req
99. Oh, well, you're so welcome.Copy !req
100. Well, I just never
had to find a placeCopy !req
101. for me and my girls by myself.Copy !req
102. It's just easier with somebody to, y'know...
Totally.Copy !req
103. I don't care.Copy !req
104. Do what I told you.Copy !req
105. You take a— you take
the stove from apartment 16-BCopy !req
106. and put it in 17-B.Copy !req
107. "B," like "Boratikashi."Copy !req
108. Okay?Copy !req
109. Yeah.Copy !req
110. You act like a man,
you do your job.Copy !req
111. Okay, bye.Copy !req
112. What can I do for you, buddy?Copy !req
113. Hi, there's an ad in the paperCopy !req
114. for a three-bedroom
for 2,500.Copy !req
115. We don't have that.Copy !req
116. What are you looking for?Copy !req
117. Was it rented or—Copy !req
118. I'm sorry, we don't have it.Copy !req
119. You want three-bedroom,
two-bedroom,Copy !req
120. what you looking for?Copy !req
121. Is this the right place?Copy !req
122. 'Cause this was in
this morning's paper.Copy !req
123. That's a bait-and-switch.Copy !req
124. Yes, exactly.Copy !req
125. We have a nice apartment,
we put it in the adCopy !req
126. and then you come here
and we show you something else.Copy !req
127. Hey, that's illegal, man.Copy !req
128. Okay, so call the police, man.Copy !req
129. What do you want from me?Copy !req
130. Hummus or an apartment, huh?Copy !req
131. You come here,Copy !req
132. nice couple like you,
you want a nice child nest?Copy !req
133. Make a child.
No, no, we're not—Copy !req
134. No, she's just my friend.Copy !req
135. She just came to help me.Copy !req
136. Go to building 701
down the block,Copy !req
137. to the left,
apartment 17-A.Copy !req
138. Okay?Copy !req
139. All right.
Yeah.Copy !req
140. There's people there now,
but they'll be out in a week.Copy !req
141. Okay.Copy !req
142. It's here.
Is that it?Copy !req
143. Give me the key.Copy !req
144. Did you just...
smell my head?Copy !req
145. Ahh, what you...
Oh, shit!Copy !req
146. What you do?Copy !req
147. Let's go, let's go.
Hi.Copy !req
148. Sorry—
Let's go.Copy !req
149. No, no, it's okay.
Get out!Copy !req
150. Get out of my house!Copy !req
151. Let's go, come on.
No, no.Copy !req
152. It's okay.Copy !req
153. Hi, hi.Copy !req
154. I'm Pamela and this is Louie,Copy !req
155. and Shai gave us the key.Copy !req
156. Right, but let's go,
come on, come on.Copy !req
157. We're just— No, no, no, it's okay.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
158. Let's go, 'cause I don't want to live here.
No— Why?Copy !req
159. You didn't even give it a chance.
There's a toilet in the kitchen.Copy !req
160. Oh, my...Copy !req
161. It's a toilet!
Yeah.Copy !req
162. So let's go, come on.
So awesome.Copy !req
163. Let's get out of here.
No, no, don't write it off.Copy !req
164. You're just— Come on,
look at the living room.Copy !req
165. I mean, there's windows
in there, it's so nice.Copy !req
166. Would you just look around?Copy !req
167. Come on.Copy !req
168. We're just gonna look around
the apartmentCopy !req
169. for a second, okay?Copy !req
170. Do you want me to make you an egg?
Okay.Copy !req
171. Yeah?
Yes, okay.Copy !req
172. That's what I'm gonna... a.Copy !req
173. Okay.
Okay, all right.Copy !req
174. It's fine, I'll make you
nice, all right?Copy !req
175. Okay.Copy !req
176. Okay, we're done with the pickle.Copy !req
177. You don't need
any more pickled things.Copy !req
178. You're fine, everything's fine.Copy !req
179. We're gonna have some nice eggsCopy !req
180. and I'm gonna cook for youCopy !req
181. and it's all gonna be great.Copy !req
182. There you go.Copy !req
183. You're gonna eat this egg,
you're gonna love it.Copy !req
184. The edges are crunchy and brown.Copy !req
185. Good for you.Copy !req
186. Hey, hey, hey, I don't
want to live here, so...Copy !req
187. Why?Copy !req
188. 'Cause he's not done living hereCopy !req
189. and there's a toilet
in the kitchen and—Copy !req
190. You...
So what?Copy !req
191. You not cook the right way.Copy !req
192. Yeah, he doesn't want the eggs.
What?Copy !req
193. Just let's go, come on.Copy !req
194. Oh, my God!Copy !req
195. With the two of you!Copy !req
196. You know what, Pateli?Copy !req
197. Your wife died
a year ago, so your turn is upCopy !req
198. in a statistical month.Copy !req
199. And you, you're so afraid of
life that you're boring.Copy !req
200. You know what?Copy !req
201. You know what?Copy !req
202. Thanks for the reminder, fellas.Copy !req
203. men.Copy !req
204. I'm outtie.Copy !req
205. Hello?Copy !req
206. This house was built in 1850
in the Federalist style,Copy !req
207. as I'm sure you noticed.Copy !req
208. This is the entrance foyer.Copy !req
209. It's one of the few houses
on the roadCopy !req
210. to retain the
single-family layout.Copy !req
211. This is just as it was when it
was built and then lived in,Copy !req
212. first by a fabric merchant,Copy !req
213. and then later, by a daughter
of Theodore RooseveltCopy !req
214. when he was police commissioner.Copy !req
215. Actually, she died here.Copy !req
216. It was only rented once to
a somewhat famous comedian,Copy !req
217. Lenny Bruce.Copy !req
218. This bathroom has a shower
that's also a steam room,Copy !req
219. a heated toilet seat
and a claw-foot bathtub.Copy !req
220. This could be
a bedroom for a child.Copy !req
221. How many bedrooms are there?
Five.Copy !req
222. So I could have my own roomCopy !req
223. and the kids could
each have their own room.Copy !req
224. And you could have
a play room and an office.Copy !req
225. What did you say
you do for a living?Copy !req
226. I'm in show business.Copy !req
227. Okay.Copy !req
228. Here is the kitchen,
which, as you can see,Copy !req
229. is full-service— very modern
and yet tasteful.Copy !req
230. And these beautiful glass doorsCopy !req
231. lead to a gorgeous garden.Copy !req
232. This would be the ideal homeCopy !req
233. for a single father
and his children.Copy !req
234. Your girls would be
very, very happy here,Copy !req
235. even happier than they are
at their mother's house.Copy !req
236. You would be their favoriteCopy !req
237. and no one could judge youCopy !req
238. or say that you were anythingCopy !req
239. but a wonderful,
wonderful father.Copy !req
240. Buying this house would
fix absolutely everything...Copy !req
241. everything...Copy !req
242. everything...Copy !req
243. everything...Copy !req
244. everything...Copy !req
245. everything...Copy !req
246. everything...Copy !req
247. everything...Copy !req
248. everything...Copy !req
249. everything...Copy !req
250. everything...Copy !req
251. everything...Copy !req
252. Yes, it would, yes, it would.Copy !req
253. Yes, it would!Copy !req
254. I'm sorry?Copy !req
255. Uh, how much is the house?Copy !req
256. The asking price is 17 million.Copy !req
257. I'll take it.Copy !req
258. Hey.
Hey.Copy !req
259. Louie.
How's it going?Copy !req
260. How are you, my man?
How are you?Copy !req
261. Good to see you, Ken.Copy !req
262. You don't stop up here too often.Copy !req
263. What's— what's up?Copy !req
264. Just checking in.
Good.Copy !req
265. I got some theater gigs
this month coming up,Copy !req
266. so some good money rolling in.Copy !req
267. Great, great.
A lot of good money coming in.Copy !req
268. So what are you trying to buy?Copy !req
269. What do you mean?Copy !req
270. Whenever you tell me you
have good money coming in,Copy !req
271. it's because you want to
buy something.Copy !req
272. Yeah, I know.
So... what is it?Copy !req
273. Well, okay.Copy !req
274. My girls and I are—Copy !req
275. We're still living in
the same placeCopy !req
276. as when I was married.
Right.Copy !req
277. And I just— I think
we need a fresh start.Copy !req
278. Okay.Copy !req
279. So you want to move.Copy !req
280. Yeah, it's time and—
Good, good, good, good.Copy !req
281. So have you started looking?Copy !req
282. Well, so I found a place.
Great.Copy !req
283. To rent?Copy !req
284. It's to buy.
Louie.Copy !req
285. I know.Copy !req
286. Louie, we talked about this.Copy !req
287. You can't afford to buy
anything right now.Copy !req
288. You're still paying support.Copy !req
289. I know, I just—Copy !req
290. This place is perfectCopy !req
291. and I know my girls would be
really happy there.Copy !req
292. Look, I'm your accountant.Copy !req
293. I can only tell you
what you can affordCopy !req
294. and I think that you're gonna
have a very hard timeCopy !req
295. finding credit right now.Copy !req
296. Dude.Copy !req
297. Okay.Copy !req
298. How much is it?Copy !req
299. Look, it's a lot,
but—Copy !req
300. How much?Copy !req
301. It's— For what it is,
it's really cheap.Copy !req
302. Right.
Like, I couldn't believe—Copy !req
303. When the lady told me how much
it was, I was blown away...Copy !req
304. How much?
by how little it is.Copy !req
305. But it is— it's a lot, though,
I'll acknowledge that.Copy !req
306. I acknowledge—
Louie.Copy !req
307. How much?Copy !req
308. Okay, it's...Copy !req
309. seven...Copy !req
310. teen...Copy !req
311. million.Copy !req
312. $17 million.Copy !req
313. So... I know it's a lot.Copy !req
314. Um, Louie, do I really
need to say anything?Copy !req
315. I mean...Copy !req
316. Well, I had a good year,
you know, and I just—Copy !req
317. When do I get
to step up, you know?Copy !req
318. I just feel like—
come on, man.Copy !req
319. Do I— do I really need to
explain to youCopy !req
320. why you can't buy
a $17 million house?Copy !req
321. I just thought if—
maybe if I really bear downCopy !req
322. and I don't spend, like,Copy !req
323. you know, I don't spent
a lot on other stuff.Copy !req
324. I could just change—
I think I could change—Copy !req
325. Let's— let's take a look
at the numbers.Copy !req
326. Okay, totally, yes, yes.Copy !req
327. So that's 17 million.Copy !req
328. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
329. So you have to
put down 3.4 million.Copy !req
330. And you have to put that
down now, in cash.Copy !req
331. And then your monthly paymentsCopy !req
332. are gonna be 77,000,Copy !req
333. plus maintenance and tax.Copy !req
334. So basically, 80,000 a month,Copy !req
335. plus the 3.4 million that
you're gonna plunk downCopy !req
336. right now, okay?Copy !req
337. Mm-hmm.
Okay.Copy !req
338. So now let's compare that
to your current assets.Copy !req
339. All right, currently,Copy !req
340. in savings, you have $7,000.Copy !req
341. 7,000.Copy !req
342. Yeah.Copy !req
343. So, um... you haveCopy !req
344. less than ten times lessCopy !req
345. than one mortgage payment
on this house.Copy !req
346. Well, let me— Okay.Copy !req
347. Louie, you're gonna have to...Copy !req
348. If— if— I—Copy !req
349. 'Cause we haven't even—Copy !req
350. I mean, if I was able to
get them to come down.Copy !req
351. I'm just saying, what could
I afford right now?Copy !req
352. Like, what could I buy
a house for right now?Copy !req
353. Buy a house?Copy !req
354. Right now?
Yeah.Copy !req
355. Well...Copy !req
356. I mean, right now,Copy !req
357. you could buy a house
that costs $7,000.Copy !req
358. You know, you should
find a nice rental.Copy !req
359. I mean, isn't there...Copy !req
360. What about—
what about Obama?Copy !req
361. What— what about it?Copy !req
362. I mean...
what do you mean?Copy !req
363. I have children, I have two kids,Copy !req
364. and I should totally be
saving for themCopy !req
365. and I'm totally not
saving for them at all.Copy !req
366. It's really badCopy !req
367. how I'm not preparing
for their futureCopy !req
368. or even their near-present.Copy !req
369. It's so irresponsible and unfair.Copy !req
370. I know it's wrong,
but part of me feels like,Copy !req
371. why should they get the money,
anyway?Copy !req
372. They didn't do the shows,
why should they get the money?Copy !req
373. Why should they get paid
for shit I did?Copy !req
374. It doesn't really
make sense to me.Copy !req
375. It doesn't make sense that
kids get your moneyCopy !req
376. after you're gone.Copy !req
377. It's like when
we used to let kingsCopy !req
378. take over for their fathers.Copy !req
379. That's the craziest rule
that ever existed.Copy !req
380. That if the king dies,
they let his kid be the king.Copy !req
381. What are the odds that he's not
gonna be a piece of shit?Copy !req
382. How do you let that...Copy !req
383. That's one of the weirdest
things that we've ever doneCopy !req
384. as a race of people.Copy !req
385. I mean all of us.Copy !req
386. White people and—Copy !req
387. I mean, there are
black kings, too.Copy !req
388. Of African countries.Copy !req
389. There's never been
a black king of England.Copy !req
390. That's never gonna happen.Copy !req
391. That is one color line
that's never gonna get—Copy !req
392. Don't even hope, man.Copy !req
393. It ain't gonna happen.Copy !req
394. There's not gonna be
a black king of England.Copy !req
395. I mean, after all that whiteCopy !req
396. that's been pumped into their
blood for years,Copy !req
397. they've just been this
kind of jizzy white colorCopy !req
398. for all these generations.Copy !req
399. "Purpley"-- They're all—Copy !req
400. Every British royal
looks like cock meat.Copy !req
401. That's what their faces look
like, an Irish penis.Copy !req
402. That's what they look like—Copy !req
403. Someone took an Irishman's penis
and stretched it outCopy !req
404. and drew a face
on it with Sharpie.Copy !req
405. Just...Copy !req
406. That's what they look like.Copy !req
407. Hey.Copy !req
408. I didn't see you today.Copy !req
409. Yeah, I...Copy !req
410. I see.Copy !req
411. You know, I don't just
have these places.Copy !req
412. I could show you
some nice rentals.Copy !req
413. Small, but okay.Copy !req
414. No.Copy !req
415. No, I'm buying this house.Copy !req
416. I'm buying this house.Copy !req