Louie 2x2

Directed by Louis C.K.

Ursula Parker as Jane • Maria Dizzia as Delores • Kelly McCrann as Janice • Munro M. Bonnell as Crazy Homeless Man • Liza Colón-Zayas as Miss Hernandez

Louie has two memorable experiences.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's weird to live as an average-looking guy.

2. It's different—

3. Guys that are, like, good-looking don't have any idea

4. what it's like to live

5. and just know that there's a whole massive section

6. of the female population

7. that you just don't have access to.

8. You're just...

9. I— I get so sick.

10. When I, I just gross myself out.

11. I'm always on my back, and that's for her benefit.

12. I just don't want to make a woman see this.

13. It's just not fair.

14. She's so nice to let me her,

15. there's just no way I'm gonna put her through that.

16. I gotta—

17. And I always gotta have my shirt on, too,

18. because last time I did it without a shirt on

19. and I was like—

20. I'm like this, and it hangs.

21. It's a mother dog.

22. It's a mother dog's, like, 14-nipple belly.

23. That's what happens if I go like this.

24. It's happening now, you just can't see it.

25. It's a six-pack for a whole other reason.

26. It just hangs in sections.

27. It actually—

28. in three sections with a split in the middle.

29. And it jiggles when I'm , too,

30. it's not like it's just there.

31. Last time I had that happen, I looked down,

32. I was like, "Oh, no,"

33. and I looked at her and she was looking down.

34. "Ew!"

35. I never saw her again.

36. Hello?

37. Hey— hey, Janice.

38. It's— it's—it's Louie.

39. Louie? Yeah, we—

40. Hi.

41. What's up?

42. I'm fine, fine.

43. What's up?

44. Uh, I just was...

45. I'm just was— I know that we—

46. I know that we met in a professional capacity

47. and I don't—

48. I just wondered if maybe you want to—

49. if we— if you— maybe go to dinner sometime?

50. Just, you know, no—

51. just go out.

52. Sure.

53. Wow, really? Yeah.

54. When do you want to go?

55. Uh, tomorrow?

56. To— to a movie or something?

57. Yeah.

58. Okay, I'll text—

59. I'll text you with the particular— exactly the place

60. and you'll have more data.

61. Great.

62. I'll see you then.

63. Who was that?

64. Louie CK just asked me out, I guess.

65. Ha.

66. You said yes? Yeah.

67. Not on a date,

68. but he could be someone at some point, couldn't hurt.

69. Oh, my God, get some help!

70. Help what? His head came off.

71. Hi.

72. So what movie are we seeing?

73. What?

74. What movie did you want to see?

75. I don't care.

76. Oh.

77. Okay.

78. You wanted to see a movie?

79. I don't think I can sit a theater

80. and watch actors pretend and talk, I...

81. Are you okay? I'm gonna go for a walk.

82. You can come if you wanna.

83. I'll come with you.

84. Did you ever think how—

85. About how your life could end any second?

86. Sure.

87. No, you don't.

88. I mean, you think you're gonna live forever

89. and you probably will.

90. I don't think that.

91. It's just so arrogant the way we live our lives.

92. You know, we're constantly right on the edge of existence

93. and nothing and we live in total disrespect of that.

94. And there's people in other parts of the world,

95. like Africa or Afghanistan, who—

96. Those people, they know, because they live on that edge

97. and they lose people every day.

98. They die in a war or in a disease thing.

99. And they...

100. And we think we're the ones.

101. We think this is the important place.

102. Like we live in the center of the goddamn universe.

103. I know.

104. And it's just— it's bullshit.

105. It's meaningless.

106. I mean, I started this day obsessed

107. with how this would go, this non-date with you.

108. You don't want to date me, I know that.

109. But I was—

110. "Ooh, please, God, could this woman want to go out with me?"

111. And maybe if I could upgrade us to a date

112. with bullshit conversation and by seeing some crappy movie.

113. And it doesn't mean anything.

114. I mean, you could get hit by a truck

115. or shot in the chest by a gun guy.

116. I could get thrown off a— out of a helicopter.

117. You know, Janice, you're gorgeous,

118. and I find you very attractive and you're very nice.

119. You're not even nice, honestly.

120. And— and... I just—

121. I'm just sick of living this bullshit life.

122. Me too.

123. Me too.

124. Louie, I didn't know what you were really like.

125. What do you mean?

126. Well, since you're being so awesomely honest,

127. no, you're right.

128. I didn't want to go on any date with you.

129. I agreed because you're on camera

130. and you might be something.

131. I'll say it.

132. I'm superficial.

133. But wow.

134. You're really—

135. I mean, what happened?

136. Because the last time we met, you were sort of...

137. A goof.

138. Yeah, well, I was attracted to you, so I was all nervous

139. and acting stupid.

140. Well, why aren't you like that now?

141. Well, something happened.

142. Like, when I was on my way to see you.

143. What happened?

144. I was walking here, to the theater,

145. and I was at a red light, like, standing on this corner,

146. and this bum, like a homeless guy, just came running,

147. he was screaming and I turn and I see

148. and he's running right at me.

149. He's looking at me and he's running,

150. like 30 miles an hour, just...

151. crazy.

152. And he gets right on top of me, like,

153. and he goes to grab me and I ducked out of the way

154. and he went sprawling into the intersection,

155. and a garbage truck came and hit him...

156. And his head came off.

157. What?

158. His head came off and it went, "dun, dun, dun"

159. down the street.

160. It was— it was horrible.

161. His head came off?

162. Yeah.

163. Oh, my God.

164. Oh, my God, and you saw that?

165. Yeah.

166. Oh, my God.

167. That's awful.

168. That's so awful.

169. That's the worst thing I ever heard of.

170. You saw that and then you came out with me?

171. Yeah, that's— that's why—

172. Oh, God!

173. I think I need to go home.

174. Oh, my God.

175. Well, but— do you want to...

176. I didn't mean to upset you.

177. I just...

178. I mean, we could get a—

179. I thought it was kinda going well.

180. I thought maybe you— I didn't know that you—

181. Another time I was on a subway and...

182. This woman got on the train, young woman, and she—

183. You know you can tell how long people have been in New York

184. by how they get on the subway?

185. Because people that live here just get on, like, "Ugh."

186. But she got on like this, like...

187. It was pretty bad last time.

188. I hope...

189. I hope nobody pisses in my face today.

190. Last time, 14 people pissed right into my mouth.

191. That was really traumatic for me, but I'm hanging in there.

192. Still taking the train.

193. That's mine. This one here?

194. I did it.

195. That's so good, it's so good.

196. Nice job.

197. This one's yours.

198. I know, it says your name on it.

199. All right, honey, I'll see you later.

200. Have a great day, okay?

201. Bye-bye.

202. See ya. Bye-bye.

203. Can I talk to you a second about Jane?

204. Yeah, sure. Her math is not very strong.

205. She has to get strong in math.

206. She loves math, she's just been struggling.

207. Well, she needs to step it up.

208. Okay. Okay, thank you.

209. Hey, you're Jane's father? Yeah.

210. We never met, I'm Nelson's mom.

211. Nelson's the— Yes, he stutters.

212. No, I was gonna say, he has black hair.

213. Nelson has blonde hair.

214. I don't know Nelson, then.

215. I have him with his father, Gabriel, who left him.

216. That's—

217. What is your feeling about that plasma screen?

218. How do you— how do you mean that?

219. The PTA wants to put a plasma screen at the school entrance

220. to replace the announcement board.

221. I think it's a huge waste of money and it's anti-aesthetical,

222. plus, I think it's just gonna become, like,

223. a propaganda machine.

224. I don't really have an opinion.

225. Hmm.

226. That's a cop-out.

227. Yeah, I guess it is.

228. I just— you know, I think that board is fine,

229. I think a plasma screen would be okay.

230. I doubt it would be propaganda, but I don't know,

231. so I don't really—

232. I kinda just don't care, so I guess—

233. I don't know what your deal is,

234. but do you wanna go out sometime?

235. You know what, dating somebody from school—

236. I'll be real honest with you.

237. I don't date at all.

238. I'm not gonna let someone into my life in that way.

239. I have things under control and I just don't need it.

240. Yeah, it's totally—

241. But I haven't had sex in a very long time.

242. I'm approaching you about this

243. because you seem safe and discreet,

244. that's what I am,

245. so if you want to come over some night and fool around,

246. I'm just saying, it would be uncomplicated.

247. At least from my end.

248. Well—my name is Delores, I'm on the class list.

249. E-mail me if you want to do anything.

250. Okay.

251. Hey.

252. Hey, I'm here for the thing—

253. Can you take off your shoes, please? Sure.

254. Just—

255. Sorry.

256. I hate boots, it's—

257. Is Nelson—

258. No, Nelson is with his dad.

259. Oh, okay.

260. Do you want to have intercourse now?

261. Are you ready?

262. Because I don't mind going to bed, if that's what you want.

263. Uh... sure.

264. Yeah, okay, come on. Okay.

265. Intercourse.

266. I'll be right back.

267. Oh, okay, sorry.

268. You know, the PTA is so full of it,

269. 'cause they generate all these e-mails

270. about fund-raising and how everybody needs to pitch in

271. and then they don't want anyone to have any say

272. into how the money is spent.

273. How does that make any sense?

274. Yeah.

275. That's...

276. Oh, shit.

277. What?

278. Can you run downstairs and pick up a few things?

279. Downstairs?

280. There's a pharmacy.

281. Can you get some lubricant?

282. And also, did you bring condoms?

283. Yeah. What kind?

284. I got these.

285. Ugh, that has an irritant.

286. Just get some condoms with no spermicide, no lubricant,

287. and get some lubricant separately.

288. Lubricant?

289. Yes, sexual lubricant, condoms,

290. and can you also get some Vagitine?

291. Vagitine? Yes, my vagina's irritated.

292. Oh, well, maybe this—

293. No, no, it's fine, I just need some Vagitine.

294. No, it's all right, I got it, I got it.

295. No, you are not buying my Vagitine.

296. I'm not going down that road, I told you.

297. I just want you to pick it up.

298. Listen, Delores.

299. What?

300. Nothing, I'll be right back, okay?

301. Okay, thanks.

302. And also, can you get blueberries?

303. Can I help you?

304. Yeah, I need condoms, sexual lubricant,

305. Vagitine, and blueberries.

306. Lubricant, aisle seven, Vagitine, aisle three,

307. next to the tampons, condoms behind the counter.

308. We ain't got no blueberries.

309. Thank you.

310. Hello?

311. Yeah, no, I got it.

312. They don't have blueberries, though.

313. Well, can you go to the deli on seventh?

314. It's only a block away.

315. Delores, listen, I—

316. Please, get blueberries.

317. Okay.

318. All right, I'll see you in a bit.

319. Oh, daddy!

320. Oh! What?

321. Oh, please!

322. Yeah. Please, yeah!

323. Oh!

324. Just hit me, please.

325. Uh...

326. Please, spank me and I'll suck you off, I promise.

327. You want me to—

328. You want me to spank you?

329. Yes, daddy, please.

330. Oh!

331. Daddy.

332. Oh, daddy!

333. Daddy, I'm so bad!

334. Yeah.

335. Yeah, spank me!

336. Yeah, huh.

337. Bad. Oh, daddy!

338. Oh, I'm so sorry!

339. Hit me!

340. Yeah! Oh, daddy!

341. Bad, you're bad, huh?

342. Oh, daddy! You're bad...

343. Daddy!

344. Shouldn't have done that, huh?

345. Oh, daddy!

346. Hey.

347. Oh, daddy, I'm so sorry!

348. Oh, daddy!

349. Do you think that—

350. Have you thought about middle schools?

351. I was hanging out with a couple that I know...

352. And they're married. They're 43 like me and they're married.

353. It's pretty much once you're 43 you're either married, you're divorced...

354. You don't really... After 43, the window's closed. You're staying.

355. And...

356. It's true... That's... Nobody cares that you're relating to this, shut up.

357. It's not interesting or important. I don't care.

358. Al right, I get it. You're all well dressed, you all work together,

359. but no, you're not get at the focus of this show. You're not, just shut up.

360. No one's gonna want to watch a TV show about that I talk to some guy who's

361. all his friends took him out. Come on, shut up.

362. I'd rather do it with an empty table here and it will be if you don't shut up.

363. Al right, so move away...

364. Here's what happens... 43...