Louie 2x12

1. You should do your job, that's what I'm trying to say.

2. You should do your job, because it's your job,

3. because you're the person standing there

4. doing that thing, so just do it!

5. Do the shit out of it.

6. Why wouldn't you?

7. It drives me crazy when someone has a job that they don't like

8. so they do it shitty.

9. What kind of a response is that?

10. If you do it shitty, isn't it worse for you?

11. Like, I travel, so I have to—

12. I need help all the time.

13. And I go— like, I rent a car

14. and I always want another one— I'm crazy.

15. So I get a car, I'm like, "I don't like that.

16. I want another car."

17. So I go to the counter, "Can I get a different car?"

18. And sometimes I get the person who's like—

19. "Why?"

20. 'Cause I'm a dick!

21. Give it to me.

22. Why— what do you— what do you...

23. "What's wrong with it?"

24. I'm crazy is what's wrong with it.

25. You're— you're wearing a vest that matches the building,

26. just do the thing that is the point of the place.

27. "Uhh."

28. Why?

29. You know why?

30. 'Cause you're 20, that's why.

31. 'Cause you're a 20-year-old little

32. and you have no idea how the world works,

33. because you think you deserve better...

34. you think you're too interesting a person

35. to have a shitty job.

36. Every 20-year-old that I encounter behind the counter

37. gives me that look.

38. "Oh, this job sucks."

39. Yeah, that's why we gave it to you.

40. Because you're 20!

41. Which is a mathematical guarantee

42. You're 20!

43. For two decades, you've just been taking and sucking up.

44. Education...

45. and love and food and iPods,

46. just sucking it up and judging it.

47. "Yeah, it's pretty good,

48. but not really, I don't like that..."

49. You've just been selecting

50. and absorbing shit that you didn't earn.

51. For two decades!

52. Three presidents, that's how long

53. you've just been a burden.

54. You're like an orange that's rotting on a tree

55. and the tree's like,

56. "Get the— get— this thing's crazy."

57. "Uh, I don't wanna go, let me stay!"

58. You're 20, you've never done any—

59. If you're 20 years old, I guarantee you,

60. you have never done anything for anybody, ever.

61. Never.

62. Yes, you went on a school trip to Guatemala

63. and they told you you helped but you totally did not help.

64. The guy was like, I got a mudslide on my house

65. and now I gotta babysit a college kid.

66. Why do I have to do this?

67. Jesus.

68. "Ehh."

69. Just take her picture with a shovel

70. and send her home so she can put it on Facebook.

71. "I had an amazing experience in Guatemala,

72. "it was totally amazing

73. and I really helped those people, I helped them."

74. Attention, ladies and gentlemen,

75. if you hear a series of loud noises,

76. this is from construction going on at Grand Central.

77. Please do not be alarmed.

78. Thank you.

79. Hey, Carlene. Thank you for doing this.

80. I have no choice.

81. I need to get back on this train

82. to Philadelphia right now.

83. I will be back for her in two days.

84. But you're both staying with me.

85. That was the plan. No.

86. Just her, two days.

87. Louie, please.

88. That's not what you said that you were gonna do.

89. I was afraid, okay?

90. I mean, how could I ask you to do this for me? Well, you're not asking,

91. you're just apparently doing it. Louie, I'm sorry.

92. I need to go to Philadelphia

93. and I need her not to go with me.

94. Just, please.

95. I don't know anybody her age!

96. She's 13.

97. You don't need to do much for her.

98. I have to go.

99. You've gotta be shitting me.

100. Where's my mom?

101. She's gone.

102. Forever?

103. No, just— just a couple of days.

104. Okay.

105. Hey, hey, excuse me.

106. Hey.

107. Amy?

108. Amy?

109. Amy, hey...

110. Hey, listen, you can't...

111. Please, Amy...

112. Um, we're gonna go back to my—

113. Amy!

114. Thank you for stopping.

115. All right.

116. We need to make some rules here.

117. No more running away.

118. This is a big city

119. and it's not cool for you to run away from me.

120. Now we'rgonna go back to my place and we'll figure out—

121. Dude, what did I—

122. What did I just say, what did I just say?

123. What did I— Amy!

124. This is, uh, home.

125. Come on.

126. Uh... this is where I live.

127. I guess you could stay in, uh...

128. Lilly and Jane's room.

129. I don't know if you remember them.

130. They were very little last time you saw them,

131. but you can be in here if you want, if you—

132. Hey, Amy.

133. Amy, it's been about four hours and I don't have any—

134. I haven't heard a sound in there.

135. Listen, I gotta know you're not a dead kid

136. in my house right now, so I'm—

137. Amy?

138. All right, I'm gonna open the door, have to come in.

139. I don't wanna breach a thing, but I gotta walk in the room,

140. to be a responsible grownup.

141. So here's me—

142. This is me coming in, okay?

143. Here I go.

144. Okay.

145. Oh.

146. You wanna get something to—

147. You want some food or...

148. We'll get some—

149. I wanna go to Fontana's.

150. You wanna go what?

151. To Fontana's.

152. It's an indie rock club.

153. I wanna go there.

154. Did you like the show?

155. Hey, listen, do you wanna get something to eat?

156. This is— this is Chinatown.

157. It's renowned Chinese food and we could get—

158. I gotta get you to eat something.

159. I'm not gonna die if I don't eat.

160. Yeah, you actually are.

161. Is it true you're a comedian?

162. Uh-huh.

163. Can I see you do a show?

164. No, that's— that's not a good idea.

165. Why?

166. Because yoe say "shit" and"

167. and talk about bad things?

168. Yeah.

169. My mom says all the time.

170. She screams it, in my face.

171. Jesus.

172. I'd like to see your show.

173. Li, sten, Amy, I don't know the depth of how bad

174. things are in your home and I—

175. Your mom had a hard life, all right?

176. And I know that that's not your...

177. I'd like to see a comedy show.

178. Can I see you do a show?

179. Yeah, okay.

180. Come on.

181. I mean, 'cause this is New York, right?

182. So there's a lot of immigrants, right?

183. We got a lot of immigrants here, right?

184. Yeah, so—

185. Um... where you guys from?

186. Where's this Internet team from?

187. Holy...

188. Holy mackerel.

189. You got the Asian, that's the leader— holy mackerel.

190. It's like— this is like Benetton.

191. Hey!

192. All you need is me, huh?

193. Where you guys from, where you guys from?

194. You guys are smart!

195. He's— he's funny.

196. He's doing crowd work.

197. That's— that's easy.

198. Do you do crowd work?

199. No, but that's just a difference—

200. It's...

201. Bro, pass the high five.

202. I'm going on next.

203. Just, I'll be— I'll see you after.

204. Oh, no...

205. Friends?

206. What is this?

207. "Friends that really don't wanna be friends" night?

208. All right, you guys, good night, everybody.

209. I'll see you guys.

210. Thank you very much!

211. Peace, I'm out of here, New York!

212. Godfrey!

213. Godfrey!

214. Mother...

215. Godfrey in the goddamn building, everybody!

216. The next young man making his way to the stage,

217. very funny comedian, you've seen him all over,

218. give some love to Louie C.K!

219. Thank you very much.

220. Thanks, hi, how are you doing?

221. I— I—

222. You guys look like a nice crowd.

223. Where you— Ma'am, where are you from?

224. I already told the last comedian

225. and he made it really funny.

226. Oh, he did? Yeah.

227. Okay.

228. Where you from, sir?

229. Southern California. Southern California?

230. That's...

231. Uh, so...

232. This is a falafel.

233. It's Middle Eastern food.

234. I gotta get you to eat something.

235. You can't...

236. So, Amy, you go to school?

237. You play any sports?

238. How old are you, about 13?

239. Well, Amy, it really has been nice talking to you.

240. I'm gonna go ahead and stop.

241. You can't talk to teenagers, especially girls.

242. It's like they walk through this door into this dark room

243. and once they're in that room, nobody can reach 'em.

244. It's like they're deaf and dumb.

245. They're in the wilderness of hormones and bad ideas.

246. All's you can do is look at your watch and wait.

247. Then at around 16,

248. they come out and they either come out people

249. or they come out whores.

250. Jesus Christ, man.

251. What's up, guys, what's up?

252. How you doing, Godfrey? Hey. How you doing?

253. Hi, I'm Godfrey.

254. What's your name?

255. Amy.

256. Nice to meet you, Amy.

257. All right.

258. She's my niece.

259. You from out of town?

260. Yeah, I'm from Boston.

261. Boston.

262. How much do you hate it there?

263. Very.

264. Amy, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now,

265. so you just wait here, okay?

266. I'll be right back.

267. Did you read about Jay-Z working the party circuit?

268. because she invited me and I knew it was gonna suck,

269. I knew, like, when I got the invitation,

270. you're fine.

271. It's gonna suck so bad.

272. if I let it.

273. You can't resist it, though, you have to be like,

274. let the suck wash over me.

275. And I'm not gonna resist it.

276. I totally get you, Amy, I totally do.

277. It's just that every second, she has a problem with me.

278. I can never be myself and she hates me.

279. No, no, no, no, no, she doesn't hate you, okay?

280. First of all, she's your mom, all right?

281. Well, my mom's crazy.

282. Everybody's mom is crazy.

283. Serious.

284. Listen, it's okay, you know, to push away, you know?

285. Make some room for yourself,

286. but don't push too far, 'cause you're gonna need her.

287. Come 16, you're gonna need Mom.

288. Ugh.

289. Ah, yeah.

290. You're saying, "That bitch needs to shut up,"

291. but in three years, you're gonna be on the phone like,

292. "Mom, I'm in jail."

293. "Mom, I need an abortion.

294. "Mom, come pick me up,

295. I'm drunk as shit, I can't drive."

296. Oh, my God.

297. I could never do that with my mom.

298. You know what, Amy, you're all right.

299. Give me some.

300. All right, I'll see ya.

301. How did you get her to talk to you like that?

302. My girlfriend has a 13-year-old.

303. You just gotta learn how to talk to people

304. that aren't like you.

305. It's called empathy, man.

306. Excuse me, sir.

307. Can you help me out?

308. Yeah.

309. Here you go. Thank you, God bless you.

310. Okay, no problem.

311. You shouldn't do that. Do what?

312. Give money to homeless people.

313. What?

314. It's demeaning to them.

315. What's...

316. How is it demeaning to help somebody?

317. Well, you're putting yourself above them.

318. It's condescending.

319. Hey, that guy needed my help and I gave it to him

320. and now he can go eat,

321. he can— he can sleep in a warm place,

322. he can take care of his family.

323. You only gave him a dollar.

324. Okay, but it's a cumulative thing.

325. It's a lot of people and I'm one of them, okay—

326. A lot of— I'm one of the people that helps.

327. You would have him just staying out in the cold

328. and getting sick and dying.

329. You know, I don't know where you got this shit from

330. because you're mother's a liberal freak,

331. so I don't know how you got this way.

332. It's a damn shame, though.

333. My dad told me that people who do charity

334. do it to better themselves, not others.

335. Yeah, and then he ran out on you.

336. I'm tired, can we just go home?

337. All right.

338. Sorry.

339. Hello? I'm calling from Mercy Hospital

340. in Philadelphia.

341. We're holding a Carlene Walter,

342. I believe she's your sister.

343. What happened? Sir, she's being held under observation.

344. We were told to contact you.

345. Yeah, I have her— I have her daughter.

346. I'm— She's my sister and I...

347. Her daughter's with me here in New York.

348. All right, well, that's what we needed to confirm.

349. What— Is she okay?

350. What happened?

351. She was in a public fountain acting irrationally.

352. Oh, my God.

353. What do I do— what do I do with her kid?

354. Do you know how to contact the father?

355. No, he's— he's a bad guy, he's gone.

356. Well, if you're the next of kin,

357. you should retain custody of her until her mother is well,

358. unless, of course, you're not capable of caring for her.

359. No.

360. She'll be okay here.

361. Let me take some information from you

362. so we can further inform you

363. and coordinate your niece's care.

364. I'll need your address, your place of employment

365. and any information you can give us about her mother.