Louie 2x11

1. I heard that ducks have one hole.

2. I don't know if you know that, but ducks have one hole,

3. and they pee out of it

4. and they shit out of it,

5. they get... in it

6. and they lay eggs out of it.

7. That...

8. has got to be one smelly, dirty hole.

9. That hole has got to be a pretty awful place.

10. I feel a little bard for the man duck,

11. because ducks are monogamous.

12. I don't know if you know that,

13. but ducks stay in their relationships forever

14. and by the time that duck gets to be 48,

15. her husband must be like,

16. "Dude...

17. "... that shit sucks.

18. I hate it."

19. And then he goes and a swan or something.

20. His wife's like, "Why do you have to a swan for?"

21. She's got an asshole, that's why.

22. She's got an asshole.

23. Okay?

24. I got a green head.

25. I don't know what that means, just somehow...

26. They got green heads, they deserve more.

27. Speaking of animal-type humor that's not totally finished,

28. uh, I...

29. I actually, I have this "joke-joke,"

30. like a, you know,

31. "animals talking to each other" type joke,

32. that I don't know how to finish it.

33. I know what's funny about it,

34. but I don't know how to finish it.

35. What— Basically, it's about a lion

36. who goes up to the giraffe

37. and he says, "Hey, man, did you see that dude?"

38. And the giraffe's like, "What dude?"

39. And he goes, "He's that dude,

40. "he lives by the river in a hut."

41. And the giraffe goes, "What does he look like?"

42. And the giraffe's like, "Well, I know a dude

43. that lives by the river, but he doesn't look like that."

44. He goes, "No, that's what he looks like, 'Ahhh!'"

45. The giraffe says, "I know a guy, but he looks like this."

46. See, the lion just thinks that people look like that.

47. The lion doesn't get that he makes

48. a person look like that...

49. by scaring the shit out of them.

50. He just thinks that,

51. "Hey, that's that dude that's always going, 'Ahhh!'"

52. That's what he's like.

53. He doesn't see his own part of...

54. Hello, Daddy. Hey, baby, how you doing?

55. Hi. Hi.

56. You need to take home the ducklings tonight.

57. Take what?

58. We're raising ducklings

59. and they can't stay in the school,

60. so you gotta take 'em.

61. Yay, can we— No, no, wait, wait, wait, no, no, this is not—

62. Why me, why am I doing this?

63. Every family took a turn, it's your turn.

64. Yeah, but I— I'm going to—

65. I'm going to Afghanistan.

66. It's your turn to take the ducklings. We can put them in a bathtub.

67. Yeah, but listen, I have tomorrow morning— And they can sleep in my bed!

68. Excuse me, Jane, baby.

69. Tomorrow morning, I have— I'm starting a USO tour,

70. do you understand?

71. I'm going all over the Middle East.

72. I'm going to Iraq and Afghanistan and Kuwait.

73. Are you dropping Jane here tomorrow morning? Yes, I am.

74. Well, so take 'em and bring 'em back tomorrow.

75. Yay! Yes!

76. Yes! Yay!

77. Yes!

78. Yeah. We can put them in the bathtub!

79. Yeah, whatever. We gotta give 'em a bath!

80. All right, come on. Yeah, they can sleep in my bed.

81. Look how...

82. Oh!

83. Don't let 'em go— Yay!

84. Okay, okay, don't let 'em go—

85. Don't let 'em go under there, please.

86. Jane.

87. No, I wanna keep this one...

88. Look at them, they're—

89. Careful, you're gonna step on them.

90. Okay, okay, please. No, I won't.

91. Please, Lilly, put that one down, put...

92. Wait.

93. Thank you for letting them come home with us. Ew, I got poop!

94. All right, I'm glad—

95. All right, girls.

96. Good night.

97. Daddy? Yeah.

98. Can we keep the ducklings?

99. No, we're not doing that.

100. Can we keep just one?

101. No.

102. Just one! No.

103. Daddy, can we keep just one duckling?

104. Are you really going to a war tomorrow?

105. I'm going to where there is a war,

106. but I'm just there to— to make some soldiers laugh.

107. I'm just gonna do shows and it's safe.

108. Are you sure?

109. They've never let any performer get hurt, ever,

110. so it's gonna be okay.

111. Okay.

112. Yeah.

113. Just one duckling?

114. Dude, no.

115. Oh.

116. Could we keep them for another night?

117. Tomorrow morning, I'm taking you guys to school

118. with the ducklings

119. and I'm going right from the school to an airfield

120. where I'm getting on a huge gray plane called a C-17

121. and I'm flying to the Middle East.

122. Whoa.

123. Are we going on the plane?

124. You're not going on—

125. Your mom's picking you up tomorrow at school.

126. Can I keep just one duckling?

127. Good night.

128. Good night, Daddy.

129. Y'know, for a bunch of tiny creatures, you guys are

130. a real pain in the ass.

131. If this was a toilet, I would just flush it, I swear to God.

132. So how long have you been there?

133. Since I graduated high school.

134. Oh, really.

135. A real long time.

136. So do you— do you— do you like music?

137. Yeah, I like music.

138. What kind of music do you like?

139. Um, pretty much everything.

140. Do you like, um...

141. do you like Led Zeppelin or...

142. Led Zeppelin?

143. You don't know who that is? No.

144. What about like—

145. Van Halen, you like Van Halen?

146. No.

147. You don't like them or you don't know 'em?

148. I'm not sure who they are, no.

149. What about Aerosmith?

150. You like Aerosmith?

151. No.

152. You don't know who they— No, not sure.

153. Uh, Steven Tyler, y'know, is in Aerosmith.

154. "American Idol." Yeah.

155. Yeah, I know who Steven Tyler is.

156. He was in Aerosmith, he was in a band called Aerosmith.

157. Yeah, he's a judge on "American Idol."

158. Yeah, he is.

159. But, uh—

160. You're a cheerleader? Yeah.

161. Football— like a football cheerleader?

162. Mm-hmm, yeah.

163. You ever date any football players?

164. Oh, no, no, no.

165. We're not allowed to date any football players.

166. Do you ever do it anyway?

167. I didn't— I...

168. Hello and welcome to Task Force Base Charlie.

169. I'm General Thompson in charge of operations in Afghanistan.

170. Let me be the first to thank you for coming here.

171. I know it's been a long trip.

172. I'd like to be able to tell you to get some rest,

173. but I can't.

174. We need to get you out there and cheer up our troops.

175. You're gonna see some things in the next five days

176. that you've never seen or imagined.

177. These young people of ours

178. are living in some pretty bad conditions.

179. In fact, for many of them, it sucks out there.

180. Some of our forward operating bases

181. or FOBs, as you'll come to know them,

182. have little more than a pot to piss in and dry, cold food.

183. Many of our troops are in their second year.

184. Most of them have lost a buddy.

185. Some of them have been wounded in action,

186. returned for more.

187. We can't give them the comforts of home.

188. We can't send them home.

189. The only thing that we can hope to do

190. is try and lift their spirits.

191. So you see, your job here is terribly important.

192. This is not a joke to us or a trifle.

193. This is a vital mission

194. and I thank you most sincerely

195. for taking time from your family to come here and do this.

196. Now we need to have you go to your quarters,

197. drop your gear, grab what you need, get on transport.

198. Your first destination will be Alpha Camp

199. where you are going to entertain

200. about a thousand troops.

201. They are excited to see you.

202. You'll be sleeping for about three hours

203. and then we're gonna pack you onto Black Hawk helicopters

204. in pairs and fly you out to the FOBs.

205. I'm not going to lie to you.

206. These are dangerous places in remote mountain regions.

207. We've got guys in the mountains

208. firing rockets into these camps all the time

209. and whenever a Black Hawk lands,

210. it increases the vue of the target

211. by about a billion dollars.

212. So some of you may take some fire,

213. but we know where it's coming from,

214. we know how to protect you,

215. so don't worry.

216. Thanks again for coming, and drive on.

217. Gentlemen.

218. Did he say we're taking fire?

219. What does that— Oh, no, no, don't worry, we'll be fine.

220. Nothing to worry about.

221. You're a comedian, sir? Yeah.

222. Did you see me on TV or something?

223. No, sir, I haven't.

224. What the?

225. "Dear Daddy, this duckling will keep you safe, Lilly."

226. Holy shit on the tits of a dog.

227. Hey, man. Hey.

228. How are you? Good, okay.

229. Kenny Thomas. Louie.

230. It looks like they got you and me going out together.

231. Yeah. Yeah.

232. All right.

233. Have— have you done this before?

234. Once or twice.

235. I used to— I used to be in the military.

236. I was a— I was a ranger.

237. You all right?

238. You look scared.

239. Yeah, is that stupid?

240. No, man, you'd be stupid not to be.

241. Yeah, never ever go in a hostile area unarmed.

242. All right, so we'll see you on the flight line?

243. Okay, man. All right.

244. See ya. Yeah.

245. Come here, come here...

246. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

247. It's okay, it's okay...

248. You're okay, you're okay.

249. My name's Kenny.

250. Thanks.

251. Kenny Thomas, everybody, let's hear it for him.

252. You guys ready to be entertained by some cheerleaders?

253. Let's make 'em feel at home here in Afghanistan.

254. Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie and Ashley!

255. to Afghanistan.

256. Ladies and gentlemen, Louie C.K.

257. Thank you very much.

258. How you guys— how are— how are you guys doing?

259. Good!

260. Okay, okay, I was...

261. I don't do a lot to improve myself.

262. You know, you guys are all young, you're healthy.

263. I've reached a point where I could never be healthy again.

264. Like I— I work out to keep this.

265. That's the best that I can hope for,

266. that I won't have— I'll keep—

267. I'll always have this belly,

268. I have to work hard so I won't have another one.

269. Like those— that second crotch belly that people—

270. You ever see the guy who's got like a second belly?

271. It's like a— I'll be like a letter "B."

272. Just that belly and it's just— Uhh!

273. And it's—

274. And my penis will just be hidden somewhere in there.

275. You ever seen somebody with like a second—

276. It's a gut. And a—

277. Yeah, and then you can't—

278. When he pees, it just dribbles down

279. the front of his belly

280. and when get gets horny,

281. he just his fat from the inside.

282. That's the kind of person I'm talking about.

283. Now, that's what mine is become like, it just—

284. My dick, it just—

285. The whole dick and balls just looks like—

286. It's like an old horse that nobody brushes anymore.

287. You know?

288. My balls...

289. Like, my balls are like—

290. I'm 43, my balls are like 72 years old.

291. They're seriously older than me.

292. My balls, just— they just kinda—

293. They're like...

294. they're like two just John McCains

295. just hanging from my— they're just...

296. They— they hang like—

297. They look like they're being rescued from a river

298. by a helicopter, that's what they...

299. It's very sad.

300. I still love women.

301. I love women.

302. I wanna women.

303. That's— For guys, that's their—

304. It's both things.

305. It's very sad.

306. Guys can't really can't be romantic without being sexual.

307. It's the way we—

308. That's the way we're built.

309. That's the way we're designed.

310. We have to be that way

311. because we have to women

312. and you have to be kind of gross

313. to climb on a perfectly beautiful woman

314. and her and ruin her with your penis.

315. You have to have kind of a gross mentality.

316. Women get to be elegant during sex,

317. they get to lay back with their hair arranged on the pillow.

318. "Ooh!"

319. Even women that are aggressive,

320. they get to ride with their hair up,

321. "Mmm!"

322. They get to go for a ride.

323. But guys just climb on and—

324. We just—

325. "Uhh."

326. We have to be gross.

327. "Gotta prosecute the pussy."

328. That's the kind of idiot you have to be to be a man.

329. Get on the dick train, bitches!

330. That's how dumb you have to be.

331. Here you go, guys. Thanks, Lou. Thank you.

332. Do you still work with Jim Norton?

333. It was good to meet you, take care of yourself.

334. Are you, you a Gator?

335. Oh, hell no.

336. I'm a Georgia Bulldog.

337. What's your name, man? Ryan.

338. That was so good!

339. That was awesome!

340. You are really good.

341. Hey, what's your name? Ryan.

342. Hey, Ryan, how's it going? Good, sir.

343. Sign that for you?

344. Oh, you got a— That's Kenny's.

345. We sure appreciate y'all being here.

346. Thanks for letting us come.

347. I never knew a cheerleader—

348. I never knew a cheerleader, like, personally.

349. I mean, I— There were girls in my high school

350. who were cheerleaders that I knew

351. who they were, but they never—

352. I never...

353. It's cool, though, it's like you're—

354. Like an artist, you know, right?

355. 'Cause you dance and...

356. Did you go to— did you study dance or...

357. Y'all are kind of disgusting, the things you say on stage.

358. Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

359. Why can't you say Christian things and be funny?

360. Christian things?

361. What kind of— what kind of Christian things are funny?

362. How old are you? 19.

363. You wanna see something?

364. Ew, what?

365. Oh, my gosh!

366. That is so cute!

367. Can I hold him? No, no, no.

368. Maybe later.

369. Why do you have that?

370. Well, my daughter put it in my bag.

371. She said it's to keep me safe.

372. That is adorable.

373. Well, it's not gonna help against an RPG,

374. but it's a pretty bad-ass duckling.

375. See?

376. You're being Christian and funny.

377. Would you ever date a guy my age?

378. Why? Would you ever date a 19-year-old?

379. Sure.

380. Would you really?

381. Yeah.

382. That's disgusting.

383. No, I got it over here.

384. What's up, fellas?

385. How's it going?

386. Welcome to Camp Timothy, sir. Thanks, good to be here.

387. Where are we? Camp Timothy, sir.

388. Who's Timothy?

389. Incoming rocket fire, take cover!

390. Incoming!

391. They can't hit shit, don't worry.

392. Come on, let's go to work.

393. That's funny?

394. How you doing?

395. Camp Timothy, sir. Thank you very much.

396. How you doing?

397. Excellent, sir, how you doing?

398. You guys live here?

399. Unfortunately.

400. Yeah.

401. How long you been here for?

402. Uh, well, we built this FOB about a year ago

403. and we've been here ever since.

404. You got cable?

405. Not out here, sir.

406. Sir, this is our company commander, Major Burroughs.

407. Hello, sir.

408. Afghani Nationals.

409. We're training 'em.

410. Hey, guys, how's it going?

411. Hi.

412. Incoming!

413. Incoming!

414. All right.

415. Hey, guys, let's square this place away.

416. We're gonna...

417. we're gonna do a show in here?

418. Yeah.

419. Dude.

420. It's all right, you just tell your jokes,

421. I'll sing a song, it'll be cool.

422. They're gonna love you.

423. Hey, fellas.

424. Thanks for being here, not that you have a choice.

425. But my name's Louie C.K., I'm a comedian.

426. Never d heard of you.

427. I never heard of you either, dickface.

428. Listen, I'm not afraid of you guys,

429. you got guns, you're only 21, though,

430. I'm 43.

431. I got a lot of years on you,

432. so we're gonna have a good time.

433. I'm gonna tell you a few jokes, try to make you laugh,

434. but first a little music.

435. This is a young man who is one of your own, first of all,

436. he's an Army Ranger and he's a country-western singer.

437. I'm not sure which one's worse,

438. but let's find out what he can do.

439. Ladies and gentlemen, please, a nice welcome for Kenny Thomas.

440. Give him a hand.

441. Hey, how y'all doing? Hey.

442. Thanks for coming out of your holes in the ground

443. and spending some time with us.

444. We appreciate you spending the day with us.

445. We appreciate ya.

446. I wanna do a song for you.

447. It's from my father's generation.

448. Now, I don't know how many of you guys

449. have been up to the Vietnam Wall in Washington, DC.

450. But when one of our service members

451. was listing as a POW...

452. or missing in action,

453. what they would do is put a cross by their name.

454. And in the event that that man was to make it back alive

455. and accounted for,

456. they'd put a circle around the cross

457. and that would signify the circle of life.

458. And you can look all you want, but to this day,

459. there's still no circles

460. inscribed on the Vietnam Wall.

461. Thanks, you guys, appreciate it.

462. God bless you guys, and we mean it.

463. Take care of each other and come on home safe, all right?

464. All right, I want to introduce a guy,

465. he's a very funny man

466. and he came a long way to make you ugh,

467. so, you know, make him feel good about himself.

468. Please give it up for Louie?

469. All right.

470. Thank you, Kenny, for depressing the shit out of everybody

471. and now I gotta try to make 'em laugh.

472. Well, I live in New York City.

473. Anybody here from New York, New Yorkers?

474. New York?

475. What kind— what part of New York?

476. Buffalo.

477. Buffalo, that's not New York.

478. Dude, don't mess with Buffalo.

479. Hey, man, it's okay.

480. I understand how Buffalo's—

481. That's home.

482. I don't wanna mess with your home.

483. But seriously, Buffalo sucks shit.

484. I mean, come on, man.

485. You gotta have some courage to live here,

486. but you gotta have more courage to live in Buffalo.

487. I think if I woke up at a bus stop in Buffalo,

488. I would kill myself.

489. The only thing worse than being in Buffalo

490. is being in a hotel room

491. trying to find how far you can get your finger

492. into your own asshole.

493. That's actually more fun than being in shit, horrible—

494. Do you know that there was a president

495. who was shot in downtown Buffalo

496. and his last words were,

497. "Thank God I can get the out of

498. this shitty town."

499. Hi, how are you?

500. Can I see it? Hey.

501. Yeah, come over.

502. So cute.

503. How old is your daughter?

504. She's five.

505. And I got a nine-year-old.

506. Pour water for this thing.

507. You're a good dad.

508. Thank you.

509. In actual Detroit, inside— Detroit.

510. Detroit. Right in the actual...

511. Hey, guys...

512. Every time, what, what?

513. Football, one more, one more short game—

514. No, you beat us every single time.

515. It's not fair. Every time.

516. Football.

517. No, no, no, no, no... Yeah, yeah.

518. Football.

519. That's a football.

520. Football.

521. You're ball. Our ball?

522. Oh, sweet.

523. I give you free kick.

524. Get it around!

525. See, I told you.

526. Gets to you, doesn't it?

527. Freaking kids, man.

528. Yeah.

529. Still scared?

530. No.

531. That's right, man.

532. 'Til something bigger comes along.

533. What?

534. Knock it...

535. No!

536. No!

537. Prepare to land!

538. This is fun!

539. We're going down! What?

540. We're landing!

541. That's not good! Not—

542. Jesus...

543. What's happening?

544. Good job, guys.

545. Can somebody please tell me

546. what is actually happening right now?

547. We had a mechanical problem.

548. Well, so what— what now happens?

549. Hopefully someone comes and gets us.

550. Hopefully nothing happens to go down.

551. They'll be here in about 30 minutes so just sit tight.

552. Sit tight.

553. Okay, I'm sitting tight.

554. I'm taking a leak.

555. I already did that.

556. Ew.

557. I'm very— I'm very sensitive to the sun.

558. I get burned.

559. I'm sensitive.

560. Oh.

561. Uh-oh.

562. Hey, Sergeant Major.

563. Everyone just be calm.

564. Hey.

565. Is that worry— "worryable"?

566. Don't know yet.

567. Dude, they got guns.

568. Yeah.

569. A lot of people have guns here.

570. They might just be hunting, man.

571. Put your weapons down!

572. It's okay, it's okay!

573. Drop your weapons, put 'em down!

574. Salam alaikum, salam alaikum.

575. Salam alaikum.

576. Salam...

577. Salam alaikum, salam alaikum, salam alaikum, salam alaikum...

578. Salam alaikum.

579. Uh, "duckie."

580. Duckie, duckie!

581. Duckie.

582. Duckie, duckie.

583. Duckie.

584. Duckie, duckie, duckie...

585. It's my daughter's. Daughter?

586. Jane, my daughter.

587. Yee-ha!

588. Yee-ha!

589. Hey, time to go.