Louie 1x7

Directed by Louis C.K.

Hadley Delany as Lilly • Ursula Parker as Jane • David Patrick Kelly as Therapist • Mary Louise Wilson as Dorethy • Ana Kayne as Jasmine

In the first segment, Louie deals with the awkward situation created when he's propositioned by his brother to join in a three-way. In the second segment, Louie's unpleasant and stupid mother visits to report that she's now a lesbian, but is met with unloving indifference from Louie and injured resentment from Robby.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Sometimes when I'm talking to my daughter...

2. I'll be looking down at her, my little girl, and I just—

3. I see my mother, you know?

4. Your mother? Yeah.

5. Is your mother there? Is she...?

6. No, I just mean when I look at my daughter...

7. that's what I see sometimes. I see my mom.

8. Is she standing in front of her or is...?

9. Are you at your mother's house or...?

10. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

11. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

12. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

13. Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry

14. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

15. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

16. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

17. Louie, Louie, you're gonna die

18. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

19. You doing a show tomorrow?

20. Yeah, I'm doing a short set at the Cellar.

21. I got this girl I'm dating, you mind if I bring her?

22. Fine.

23. What are you doing after?

24. I don't know. Why?

25. Maybe you could hang out with us after.

26. You're gonna be on a date?

27. Come hang out with us after you're done.

28. Why? That's weird.

29. She wants to meet you.

30. All right.

31. After the show, I'll hang out for a few minutes, say hi, then you take her out.

32. But...

33. What's the deal?

34. Okay, this is kind of weird.

35. Yeah, it is.

36. Don't get all jaggedy on me.

37. Bro, I met this girl.

38. I really like her. I mean, she's amazing and she gets me really, really horny.

39. I mean, she's beautiful. I mean, this chick— This woman...

40. Oh, my God. Okay, so what?

41. We've been out like six times.

42. We always wind up back at her place making out, but—

43. I mean, really making out, tongues are everywhere.

44. I mean, she's grabbing on me.

45. She's grabbing on me— This sounds great...

46. but I don't wanna keep hearing about it. Okay, so...

47. we always do the same thing, just making out at her place.

48. And I get— I mean, my dick is hard as a nail.

49. It's swollen. My dick is swollen and leaking—

50. This is the part I didn't want to hear, so stop.

51. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, here's the thing.

52. She really wants me.

53. But only with another guy.

54. She can't get off with anything less than two guys.

55. She can't get off with one guy?

56. Anything less than two, she can't do it.

57. So she said if I can get another guy— Stop talking now. Stop talking.

58. Stop making words— You don't understand. You're not getting it.

59. Don't say it out loud. Please don't say it out loud.

60. I told her who you were.

61. She's a fan. She thought it would be hot.

62. You want to have a threesome with your own brother?

63. No. What's wrong with you?

64. No, no, no. She does. She does. I have a plan.

65. You pretend like you're gonna do it, you're into it. We'll all go out...

66. then we come back, you pretend like you're gonna start in with us...

67. and then leave.

68. You know, like you have to leave because you have prior engagements.

69. And then I'm there, she's all hot. Louie, she's all hot and then—

70. Look, it might not work, but that's my only chance, bro.

71. Look, you're my brother, and I like you a lot...

72. so here's what I'm willing to do, okay?

73. Yeah.

74. I'm gonna go home now...

75. and I'm not gonna talk to you for three weeks.

76. Bro.

77. Good luck. Bro.

78. I don't know, I'm supposed to give my kids values.

79. I don't have any of those.

80. I used to, but they're melting away.

81. They finally are. You know, you get instilled with values by your parents...

82. and by school, whatever else.

83. Society teaches you things, makes you—

84. Teaches you how to be a good person.

85. But you ever feel for your real values inside?

86. Like, who you would be if you had no guidance?

87. I think about that sometimes. What are the things I believe...

88. in my marrow that I can't really—

89. That had to be shaved away? They're coming back now.

90. Like, here's one. I really, somewhere deep down, I believe...

91. that if you murder somebody and you never get caught, it's fine.

92. You kind of didn't do anything wrong.

93. Mom? Hello, Louie.

94. Mom.

95. Hello.

96. Mom, I didn't know you were coming here.

97. Well, that's because I didn't tell you.

98. Girls, say hi to your grandma.

99. Hello, grandma.

100. Hello, girls.

101. Listen, I gotta take them to their mom's.

102. You wanna come with me or... Well, not really, I'm tired.

103. Okay, why don't you wait here and I'll be back in about half an hour.

104. Well, what do I do while you're gone?

105. Whatever you want. Make yourself something to eat.

106. That's not really ideal.

107. I am hungry, but I don't like fending for myself.

108. I didn't know you were coming. I gotta take them, so—

109. Well, can't you make me something to eat first and then take them?

110. What are they doing here anyway? You're divorced.

111. Mom. Sorry. They don't know you're divorced?

112. Daddy, can we please go now?

113. Yeah, let's go, baby. Sorry, Mom, we gotta get going, so...

114. Well, I think this is very rude.

115. I hardly ever see you, and I can't get a thing out of you.

116. Meanwhile, this one peeps she wants to go and you hop to it.

117. Bye, Mom. See you later.

118. I'm frankly amazed that you're leaving me.

119. I came all this way to see you. I wanted to surprise you.

120. I need to lie down, have a cup of tea.

121. - Let's go, girls, come on. - I came a long way and I'm very tired.

122. My feet are killing me. Daddy?

123. Yeah? Why is your mommy like that?

124. - I don't know, baby. - I deserve more respect than this.

125. Do you love her? Yeah.

126. Why? I don't know.

127. Love is a weird thing. If you really love somebody, you hate them at some point.

128. Your mother is the first person you ever love.

129. The first person that you love. Who wants to talk to their mother anymore?

130. I mean, once you're a grown-up, your mother...

131. who gave birth to you, made everything possible for you...

132. when she's around you and your friends—

133. When you're alone with your mom, you can take it.

134. But when you're with your friends, "We got here at 5."

135. You're like, "Just shut up. Just shut up. Just shut up."

136. Please, let there be another 9/11 right now...

137. and there's a phone call about it so that I don't have to listen to this.

138. I'm just saying that if I had known we were going to take a taxi here...

139. I would have dressed differently.

140. How do you dress for a cab ride, Mom?

141. Okay, are you guys ready?

142. I'm sorry, yes. Bring me a menu with larger type.

143. - I'm sorry? - This print is too small.

144. Bring me a menu with larger type. Mom, I can read it to you.

145. I don't need you to read it to me. He can bring me a menu with larger type.

146. Jesus Christ.

147. Ma'am, I'm sorry. We don't have menus with larger type.

148. We don't have those menus.

149. Well, I guess we'll just have to eat somewhere else.

150. Here we go, yep.

151. This salad isn't very good.

152. In fact, it's not good. I hate it. Mom, why are you here?

153. Why did you come here without telling me?

154. That's right, I came to tell you that I'm a lesbian.

155. What?

156. I said I'm a lesbian.

157. Okay.

158. You know, I think I always was, even when I was with your father.

159. We only had sex two times, one was for your brother and the other for you.

160. And it was...

161. really disgusting.

162. At least it was for me. I hated it.

163. All right. And now I know that it was because...

164. I wasn't paying attention to what my body needed.

165. This is my body.

166. It's worth something more than squeezing out two men...

167. that I have less in common with than the man I married.

168. I mean, who needs any of you?

169. This is my body. My body is a woman.

170. Woman!

171. Woman.

172. Well, what do you think?

173. Don't you have anything to say? Not really.

174. Wouldn't you like to know how I arrived at this?

175. What my journey has been? You know, Mom...

176. I haven't seen you in a year.

177. I know. You've gotten fatter. You know...

178. last Christmas, you asked kids and I to come with you...

179. to spend it at your house, we get there, it's dark and empty.

180. You were gone.

181. Yeah, I was in Phoenix.

182. You invited us for Christmas.

183. And then I decided to go to Phoenix.

184. It was very cold. And my friend invited me.

185. My kids spent Christmas in a Holiday Inn...

186. and Santa brought them each a bag of M&M's.

187. Are you serious?

188. Your mother tells you she just found out who she is and you have no opinion?

189. Nope. I don't care.

190. Uh-huh. You're homophobic. Oh, no. Ha, ha.

191. No, I don't care what you do with your vagina.

192. Honestly, you can take your vagina and shove it up your ass.

193. Be careful what you say about the place from whence you came.

194. From whence I came?

195. That's really— I gotta go.

196. But I haven't told you about my wife. I don't give a shit, Mom!

197. I don't care!

198. I'm 42 now. I don't even ever think about you.

199. You know, Lily asked me today why I love you.

200. I couldn't remember. You know why? Because I don't. I don't.

201. I really don't love you, Mom.

202. My kids don't love you, either.

203. Because you don't care that they're alive. You don't even know that I'm alive.

204. The only person who loves you is my brother, and that's why he's a loser.

205. You didn't come here to see us. You came to parade around your new identity.

206. Well, I don't give a shit, Mom.

207. I really don't.

208. Just go away, please, and don't come back.

209. Oh, Jesus.

210. This is bullshit, you need to know that.

211. Dude.

212. Here's another one, another thing I believe deep down, again...

213. is that gay people should stop doing that, because...

214. And not for any moral or societal reason. I don't give a shit.

215. I have gay friends. That's love.

216. You should respect what they wanna do with their lives...

217. but they're just— They're doing it wrong.

218. It's not supposed to be two vaginas smooshed together.

219. It doesn't make any sense.

220. It's like two buckets and you hold the openings against each other.

221. There's nothing being accomplished.

222. You need to put a thing in a thing, otherwise what's—?

223. What are you doing?

224. I mean, gay guys, I get it, because they're putting a dick in a place.

225. In an ass of a man, which— By the way, what better place...

226. to put a dick than a man's ass?

227. It's perfect. It's—

228. Even a vagina is awkward.

229. You have to go up and in, and you have to kind of...

230. Or she has to splay herself, and you have to go like this.

231. It just looks weird, even.

232. But a guy, you just walk up to him and your dick's in his ass.

233. That's it, you just walk up behind him.

234. And it's that simple.

235. Just— I'm gay.

236. That's it. You just walk up, you're gay.

237. And then somebody goes into you.

238. That's how we were packed originally to save space.

239. But the two holes bump:

240. What the hell are you doing?

241. It's wrong. Not morally, just geometrically.

242. Bro, what are you telling me here?

243. Mom is a lesbonian?

244. Yeah.

245. This—

246. This is bad.

247. This is bad news.

248. It is? Yeah.

249. That's my mother. I'm her son.

250. I gotta go to a doctor or something and get checked out.

251. Checked out for what?

252. Stupid, if she's got the gay genes, I might have the gay genes.

253. So you're gonna get screened for gay genes?

254. Dude, what if I'm gay?

255. Then you're gay, man. I don't know.

256. There's no way she's a lesbonian. That's our mother.

257. How did she have kids if she doesn't do guys?

258. I don't know.

259. And why the hell did she tell you? I call her every day.

260. I don't know. She didn't tell me she was in town.

261. She wants us to meet her tonight with her wife.

262. Wife. My mother's wife.

263. What the shit is that, Lou?

264. What's this world coming to?

265. Maybe this is a good thing. Mom has been a mess her whole life.

266. Maybe this will center her.

267. I don't know, bro. I'm not into this shit.

268. Why are you wearing a suit?

269. Gotta have some respect.

270. Hi, boys.

271. Hey. Love you, Ma. Robbie.

272. Louie. How's it going?

273. Robbie, you're pretty fat too.

274. Is that all you boys do, get fat and die?

275. Oh, here she comes.

276. Okay, okay. Can we have a seat, please?

277. Jasmine, these are my boys, Louie and Robbie.

278. Hi, what's up?

279. Your mom's really cool.

280. That's great. That's really great.

281. Hi.

282. Can I start you guys off with a drink?

283. Yeah, I'll have a vodka on the rocks. Perfect. Me too.

284. Just bring him a water, please.

285. No fun. Heh, heh.

286. Since when did you start drinking vodka?

287. Jasmine has been introducing me to a lot of new things.

288. She's been very good for me.

289. So let me get this straight.

290. My mother's married to a girl who's younger than me...

291. and way hotter than any chick I've ever dated...

292. or ever will date in my life. Robbie.

293. I would think you'd be glad for me.

294. Aren't you happy that your mother finally found love?

295. Finally found love?

296. Mom, I've loved you my whole life.

297. That's all I've ever done is love you, and you didn't even notice.

298. Come on, who doesn't love their mother?

299. Jasmine loves me for me.

300. I love you for you.

301. I love you for you, Ma.

302. How many times did I told you I loved you?

303. I tried to remember when you said it to me, and I just can't.

304. Oh, I'm sure I said it.

305. When, Ma?

306. When? I've never felt your love, ever.

307. You know what that's like?

308. Your own mother?

309. That's why I'm— My life is just so messed up.

310. Don't blame me for that.

311. I'm sure I said "I love you" somewhere down the line.

312. So you're saying you do love me?

313. Do you love me, Mom?

314. Stop it. This is a restaurant.

315. I asked you a question.

316. Do you love me, Mom? Robbie, don't go there.

317. If you do, if you love me, just tell me.

318. Robert, I will not be held hostage like this.

319. I do not play this game.

320. Game? What game?

321. I'm your son. I'm just asking you to say that you love me.

322. What game, Ma?

323. So you go to school? Ma...

324. just say it.

325. Say you love me.

326. Ma, please, just say it.

327. Please.

328. No. You stay.

329. Ugh. This is a total bummer.

330. I think there's a hell, and I think I'm going.

331. Like a friend of mine was telling me about how he had sex with a hooker...

332. and it turned out to be a guy, and it was a horrible thing for him.

333. And he had to get over it with therapy.

334. "Shit, that happened to me too."

335. And the upsetting part of it wasn't that it happened, but that I had forgotten.

336. This wasn't, like, a landmark in my life like it was for him.

337. Like, "Oh, yeah, no shit. I f**** a guy once back in Montreal. I forgot about that."

338. Jesus Christ.

339. Why?

340. Shut up.

341. Dude, seriously.