1. Louie, Louie, Louie, LouieCopy !req
2. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ahCopy !req
3. Louie, Louie, Louie, LouieCopy !req
4. Louie, Louie, you're gonna cryCopy !req
5. Louie, Louie, Louie, LouieCopy !req
6. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ahCopy !req
7. Louie, Louie, Louie, LouieCopy !req
8. Louie, Louie, you're gonna dieCopy !req
9. Louie, Louie, Louie, LouieCopy !req
10. Thank you.Copy !req
11. Thank you, everybody.Copy !req
12. Nice to be here. I feel pretty good today.
You know why I feel good? Because I—Copy !req
13. Finally, I have the body that I want...Copy !req
14. and that's a thing people really covet.Copy !req
15. It's a hard thing to achieve, and I did.Copy !req
16. And I'm gonna tell you how
to have exactly the body that you want.Copy !req
17. You just have to want a shitty body.
That's all it is.Copy !req
18. You have to want your own shitty,
ugly, disgusting body.Copy !req
19. I don't, though, like being uncomfortable
and unhealthy...Copy !req
20. and I'm both of those things
all the time.Copy !req
21. I get really sweaty all the time. I—Copy !req
22. And that's also bad for sex,
because I just sweat—Copy !req
23. I just rain sweat all over people.Copy !req
24. Like, I'm like, uhhh.Copy !req
25. And that's what I'm like
when I have sex. I go, uhhh.Copy !req
26. And I always see her,
and she's like, just:Copy !req
27. Just sweat is pouring off my head.Copy !req
28. And she's like, "Dude,
you're limiting my enjoyment by a lot."Copy !req
29. No.Copy !req
30. Well, then you can call
for an appointment.Copy !req
31. The results from that test don't come in
until tomorrow.Copy !req
32. No, I have no way of knowing the results
before they get here.Copy !req
33. Yes?
I'm here to see Ben, Dr. Mitchell.Copy !req
34. Okay, what time is your appointment
and what is your name?Copy !req
35. My name's Louie C.K.,
and he said to be here around 2.Copy !req
36. "He said"?
The doctor doesn't make appointments.Copy !req
37. Well, I know him. Well, I used to.
We went to high school together.Copy !req
38. And I talked to him on the phone.
He said that I could come by.Copy !req
39. He didn't put your name in the book
and didn't tell me.Copy !req
40. You don't have an appointment.
Can you check with him?Copy !req
41. He's with a patient.Copy !req
42. Okay, well, I'll just wait and—
Sir, you don't have an appointment.Copy !req
43. Yeah, no, I get that, but can you just
let me wait till he comes out and—?Copy !req
44. You can't just sit in here
if you don't have an appointment.Copy !req
45. Do people, like, come here
and steal medical treatment?Copy !req
46. Do they steal it from you?
Is that what happens?Copy !req
47. Why can't you just let me wait—?
Just keep up that regime.Copy !req
48. You will start feeling better very soon.Copy !req
49. Thanks, doctor.
No problem.Copy !req
50. Hey, Ben, how you doing?Copy !req
51. You told me to come by, remember?
Do I know you?Copy !req
52. Oh.
Come on through. It's fine, Priscilla.Copy !req
53. Louis C.K.Copy !req
54. I didn't mean to jump ahead of that woman
if she was waiting.Copy !req
55. Don't worry, she's dying.
Yeah, no hope. Really sad.Copy !req
56. It's cancer,
from her vagina up to her eyeballs.Copy !req
57. So I'm just squeezing her
for insurance money...Copy !req
58. till her liver falls out of her ass.Copy !req
59. Man, that's not funny.
Oh, God, how are you?Copy !req
60. I'm— I feel like shit.Copy !req
61. Feel like shit?Copy !req
62. Sure you feel like shit and not diarrhea?
Because you look like diarrhea.Copy !req
63. It looks like someone poured diarrhea
into a face-shaped mold.Copy !req
64. Could you stop? I'm worried.
I don't know what's up with me.Copy !req
65. Look up.
Okay.Copy !req
66. I know what's wrong with you.Copy !req
67. What?
AIDS.Copy !req
68. I can't believe you're a doctor.Copy !req
69. Strip down to your underpants.
Let's take a look at you.Copy !req
70. Let's take a look at you.Copy !req
71. Jesus. That is—Copy !req
72. You don't need a doctor,
you need a time machine.Copy !req
73. Did no one tell you tits are meant
to be on women, not men?Copy !req
74. What is that?
Come on, man. This is a nightmare.Copy !req
75. Get up here.Copy !req
76. Oh, dear. Okay.Copy !req
77. Take a deep breath and hold it.
So how do you feel, really?Copy !req
78. Apart from the tumor
I can hear in your lungs.Copy !req
79. You're an asshole.
Strip all the way down.Copy !req
80. Okay.Copy !req
81. Oh, God, Louie.Copy !req
82. How can—? That is really bad.Copy !req
83. That's the worst penis
I've ever seen in my life.Copy !req
84. That is disgusting.Copy !req
85. It's— Oh, my God.Copy !req
86. This is the worst thing
that's happened to me, seeing that.Copy !req
87. And my dad hung himself in front of me
whilst masturbating.Copy !req
88. If I could take one of those things back,
it would be seeing that awful cock.Copy !req
89. Looks like you've been getting a dog
to suck it off, but it chewed it...Copy !req
90. like it thought it was
a horrible old blood-and-cum-filled shoe.Copy !req
91. Nurse, can you come here a minute?
I'm serious.Copy !req
92. That is the worst penis
probably in the world.Copy !req
93. Nurse?Copy !req
94. Honestly, is that not the ugliest penis
you've ever seen in your life?Copy !req
95. Yes, doctor, it's very ugly.
Very ugly, very ugly.Copy !req
96. She's a nurse, so...
Stop it. Come on, man.Copy !req
97. If that's your penis and testicles,
what's your anus gonna be like?Copy !req
98. Well, we're not gonna find that out.Copy !req
99. We are gonna find out, because I need
to give you a full rectal examination.Copy !req
100. No, no. No way.Copy !req
101. Yes way. You're over 40, Louie, okay?
No more wanking around.Copy !req
102. This could save your life.
Okay, all right.Copy !req
103. Come on.
All right.Copy !req
104. Look, it's not very pleasant,
but it's necessary.Copy !req
105. Okay, all right.
Okay, I'll be as gentle as I can.Copy !req
106. Thank you. Ughh.
Sorry.Copy !req
107. Is that okay?
Yeah, that's okay.Copy !req
108. How about that?
Yeah, that's all right.Copy !req
109. What about this?
Jesus Christ!Copy !req
110. What? This is serious.
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
111. It's serious.Copy !req
112. There's no way
it's supposed to go in and out.Copy !req
113. Well, it can do. I'm a doctor.
Yeah.Copy !req
114. And it tells me
that everything is fine up there.Copy !req
115. Jesus.
Listen.Copy !req
116. I'm still going with AIDS,
but let's do some blood work and find out.Copy !req
117. My days start poorly
because of the shape I'm in.Copy !req
118. Because now, also, I'm 42, so I'm getting—
I'm get— I'm really on the decline.Copy !req
119. There's never gonna be another year
of my life...Copy !req
120. that was better than the year before.Copy !req
121. That's never gonna happen again.Copy !req
122. I've seen my best years.Copy !req
123. And when I wake up in the morning, I just—
I'm— I just sit there and I'm like:Copy !req
124. Like, it's an awful way to start your day.
Every day starts with me—Copy !req
125. Like, my eyes open
and I reload the program of misery.Copy !req
126. I just open my eyes,
remember who I am...Copy !req
127. what I'm like...Copy !req
128. and I go:Copy !req
129. "I guess. I guess, just do it. I don't know.Copy !req
130. I guess. Oh, my God."Copy !req
131. Somebody called me
an Indian giver recently.Copy !req
132. I don't know if you've heard that
since you were kids...Copy !req
133. but we used to call each other—Copy !req
134. Indian giver is one of the most
offensive things you could ever—Copy !req
135. Because what it's meant to be
is that someone gave you something...Copy !req
136. then changed their minds.
That makes you an Indian giver.Copy !req
137. And we equate this to the Indians...Copy !req
138. because our feeling is that
they gave us America, and then they—Copy !req
139. Well, they didn't take it back, certainly,
but they changed their minds...Copy !req
140. about giving it to us.Copy !req
141. It's offensive
when you consider the truth...Copy !req
142. which is that we got here
and the Indians were like, "Hi."Copy !req
143. And we were like,
"Hey, can we have everything?"Copy !req
144. And they were like,
"Well, we don't know what 'have' means...Copy !req
145. but enjoy all the things that you need,
like we do."Copy !req
146. So we start killing all of them.
And they were like:Copy !req
147. "Oh, dude, could you not do that part
where you kill all of us?Copy !req
148. Because that's kind of a drag for us."Copy !req
149. And we were like,
"You guys are Indian givers. Oh, my God.Copy !req
150. We're gonna name that after you.
You guys are dicks."Copy !req
151. Anyway, thanks a lot, folks. Good night.Copy !req
152. We're gonna keep this show going,
gonna bring the next comic up.Copy !req
153. Very funny guy. You guys might know him.
Nick DiPaolo.Copy !req
154. How about a hand for the emcee
going through chemo, huh? All right.Copy !req
155. Poor prick. Skinny, no hair.
How are you?Copy !req
156. Okay.Copy !req
157. Welcome to the basement
of al Qaeda's hideout, and...Copy !req
158. You think I'm kidding?
Those aren't Irish guys making your falafel.Copy !req
159. How's it going?
It's a shitty night.Copy !req
160. I have two tables, all black people,
so I know I'm not making no tips.Copy !req
161. Are you being serious right now?
Yeah, look over there.Copy !req
162. I have two tables, they're all black.
I'm working for free tonight.Copy !req
163. No, I mean,
are you being seriously that racist?Copy !req
164. What?Copy !req
165. You don't know they're not gonna tip you.
Yes, I do.Copy !req
166. Because they're black?
I've been waiting tables for five years.Copy !req
167. I never got a tip from a black person,
not once.Copy !req
168. First of all, I don't believe you.
Second of all, that's still racist.Copy !req
169. I am not racist. Screw you.Copy !req
170. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
171. She says black people don't tip.Copy !req
172. Are you nuts? Niggas don't tip.
Everyone knows that.Copy !req
173. Have you ever waited tables before?
No.Copy !req
174. Then shut up, asshole.Copy !req
175. This is how I know I'm getting old.Copy !req
176. I pulled a muscle in my neck...Copy !req
177. giving my wife the finger
behind her back.Copy !req
178. That's a true story.Copy !req
179. We were having a fight, she walked
out of the kitchen, I went, ah, like that.Copy !req
180. Weird things are happening to my body
as I get older.Copy !req
181. Ever hold a piss so long
it turns into a shit?Copy !req
182. That didn't happen
when I was in high school.Copy !req
183. I know most of you guys here
voted for Obama...Copy !req
184. and I don't know ******* why, but...Copy !req
185. Ooh. Listen to that silence, huh?Copy !req
186. Holy shit, I hit you
right in the white-guilt muscle, didn't I?Copy !req
187. I mean, can we quit calling Obama
the first black president?Copy !req
188. My nipples are darker
than Barack Obama.Copy !req
189. They're so in love with this guy.
Wanna give him his own national holiday.Copy !req
190. He hasn't even been shot yet.Copy !req
191. This is perfect, they hate my guts.
All right.Copy !req
192. People are such hypocrites
down there.Copy !req
193. I'm sure you did better
at the Hitler Youth rally.Copy !req
194. Ha, ha. Liberal fag.
Yeah, okay, Himmler.Copy !req
195. Why don't you go eat out
Obama's asshole?Copy !req
196. I would. I mean, I'm not gay,
but, you know, just to be part of history.Copy !req
197. Country's going to shit.Copy !req
198. You Republicans are babies.
You've had your way for eight years.Copy !req
199. Why can't you just
give somebody else a try?Copy !req
200. Because it's a bullshit sham,
that's why.Copy !req
201. He's in there because of white guilt
and affirmative action.Copy !req
202. Anybody who has the balls
to say that out loud is called a Nazi...Copy !req
203. by deluded assholes like you.Copy !req
204. Poor little Nazis
don't like being called Nazis.Copy !req
205. I'm sorry.
Can you stop having this conversation?Copy !req
206. When Bush was in office,
every time you put on the news...Copy !req
207. all you saw was black people,
gays, liberals...Copy !req
208. just pissing and moaning
at how bad he was.Copy !req
209. But now Obama's in there,
no one can say shit.Copy !req
210. You know, if it's like you say it is
and it's your turn...Copy !req
211. then why don't we get a say in it
like you did?Copy !req
212. A white guy doesn't have a voice
in this country anymore.Copy !req
213. We supposed to feel sorry
for white guys?Copy !req
214. What, is 10,000 years of
unchecked prosperity not enough for you?Copy !req
215. No, it's not. Give me 20-.Copy !req
216. Well, how about 30-?
Yeah.Copy !req
217. And then you can celebrate
with a big parade of soldiers...Copy !req
218. and have white columns with an eagle,
maybe red banners with a white circle...Copy !req
219. and something like this in the middle?
The Nazi thing? That all you got?Copy !req
220. That's why— It's the same thing.
What is it, what?Copy !req
221. It's one group getting what they want
over everyone else.Copy !req
222. Oh, yeah.
Over— What the **** is wrong with you?Copy !req
223. What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
224. Pretend you're kidding, but you mean it.
My father fought those Nazis, okay?Copy !req
225. So if you call me that again,
I'm gonna punch you.Copy !req
226. All right, I won't call you that,
you Hitler Nazi piece of shit.Copy !req
227. Mother—
Come on. Come on, guys, break it up.Copy !req
228. Come on.Copy !req
229. Come on.
Get off me.Copy !req
230. Get the **** off me. You cut my hand.Copy !req
231. Goddamn it. Nice.Copy !req
232. Jeez, man, it looks bad.
Yeah, it does, doesn't it?Copy !req
233. Dr. Green, telephone, please.Copy !req
234. Dr. Green, telephone, please.Copy !req
235. How long are they gonna make you wait?Copy !req
236. I think the guy they're working on now
has a musket wound.Copy !req
237. Got blindsided by a Model T.
I heard he got stepped on by a dinosaur.Copy !req
238. At least you got that dirty jizz rag there
seeping germs into your wound.Copy !req
239. Yeah, and I think I saw the bartender
spit into it and wipe up some AIDS vomit.Copy !req
240. God.Copy !req
241. So how are the kids?
Good.Copy !req
242. They're at my place. Babysitter.Copy !req
243. They'll be waking me up
in about four hours.Copy !req
244. Must be nice.Copy !req
245. Ah. It's Andi.Copy !req
246. Hello? Hey, babe.Copy !req
247. Yeah, no. I'm out.Copy !req
248. Nothing.Copy !req
249. Yeah. No, try to get some sleep.Copy !req
250. All right. You too. Bye.Copy !req
251. You didn't tell her where you are?Copy !req
252. She's just gonna start worrying.
What's the use?Copy !req
253. Must be nice having somebody
at home worrying for you.Copy !req
254. You got your kids.
Yeah, but a wife.Copy !req
255. I mean, I just think it's great that
you and Andi made it work, you know?Copy !req
256. You've been together, what, 15 years?
Yeah, well, it ain't easy.Copy !req
257. Well, at least you did it.Copy !req
258. Miss your wife?Copy !req
259. No, but I envy you.Copy !req
260. The other day, I get a package
in the mail, right? It's from India.Copy !req
261. I'm like, "What the hell's this shit?"
So I open it up. It's a brick of Viagra.Copy !req
262. I look over at Andi, she's grinning.Copy !req
263. Oh, my God.Copy !req
264. Yeah, she ordered it online,
you know. I feel bad. She's lonely.Copy !req
265. But she's gorgeous,
I don't wanna be with anybody else...Copy !req
266. but, you know, some nights...Copy !req
267. I don't know, I'd just rather
have a burger and hit the sack.Copy !req
268. Yeah, but you're working it out.Copy !req
269. Yeah, we started counseling...Copy !req
270. and every other night, I stick a wooden,
medicated boner in her...Copy !req
271. and now we sit around
waiting to see who's gonna die first.Copy !req
272. That's about it.
Jesus Christ, Nick.Copy !req
273. I mean, we're getting old, Lou.
I mean, we can't have kids anymore.Copy !req
274. Um...Copy !req
275. I don't know.Copy !req
276. At one point, one of us is
gonna leave the other behind.Copy !req
277. Oh, jeez.Copy !req
278. I guess this is where the letter C comes
for her dialysis.Copy !req
279. Sorry about your hand, man.
It's all right.Copy !req
280. I don't jerk off anymore
and can lift the toilet seat with the other.Copy !req
281. I'm fine.Copy !req
282. I'm sorry I called you a Nazi.
Don't worry about it, faggot.Copy !req
283. Hey, seriously, man.
You got your kids. You're lucky.Copy !req
284. I'm happy for you, really.Copy !req
285. Thanks, Nick.
Remember when we were in our 20s...Copy !req
286. we used to come home this late
because we were out getting laid?Copy !req
287. We never got laid.Copy !req
288. I remember one time
I was with a friend of mine...Copy !req
289. who lives in New York also,
and we went to pick up his cousin.Copy !req
290. She lived on a farm her whole life.Copy !req
291. Her family was this weird family
that kept their kids on a farm.Copy !req
292. Her parents finally died,
so she got to leave.Copy !req
293. And so she came down to visit her cousin,
my friend, in the city...Copy !req
294. and so we picked her up
at Port Authority Bus Station.Copy !req
295. She had never been to any city before,
and we're picking her up...Copy !req
296. at the Port Authority,
that smelly hole of a place.Copy !req
297. And we pick her up there,
and she's just freaking out at New York.Copy !req
298. She's never seen anything like it.Copy !req
299. And we pass this homeless guy,
and she sees him.Copy !req
300. I mean, we all passed him,
but she saw him.Copy !req
301. She's the only one who actually saw him.
We didn't.Copy !req
302. Me and her cousin were like, "So?
He's supposed to be there. So what?Copy !req
303. There's a perfectly good reason
why that's not me and it's him.Copy !req
304. The right people always win,
I'm sure of it."Copy !req
305. But so there he is—
And this dude was particularly homeless.Copy !req
306. He was one of those
high-octane homeless, smelly—Copy !req
307. Just piss smell.Copy !req
308. The unbelievable piss smell, just—
He was piss.Copy !req
309. He didn't just smell like piss, he was—
When you piss, he comes out.Copy !req
310. That's what— That's how much...Copy !req
311. It's just this dude
with garbage all over him.Copy !req
312. I don't know if he had gathered it
for warmth...Copy !req
313. or folks just went, ech, all day.Copy !req
314. And he had dreadlocks.Copy !req
315. Not Hacky Sack, cool-guy,
medical-marijuana dreadlocks...Copy !req
316. just human-neglect clumps of hair.Copy !req
317. A clump of hair for every year
that no one knew his name or cared.Copy !req
318. Yeah, that's who you've been laughing at
the last 10 minutes.Copy !req
319. That's how bad it was.Copy !req
320. And again,
me and my friend were just like, meh.Copy !req
321. His cousin immediately just gets—
She's like, "Oh, my God."Copy !req
322. She takes a knee.Copy !req
323. I'm not even taking a real knee now.
That's how little I give a shit about the guy.Copy !req
324. He's not even here and I'm still like,
"Eh. Yeah, that's close enough."Copy !req
325. She goes, "Oh, my God, sir.
Are you okay? What happened?"Copy !req
326. "What happened?" America happened.Copy !req
327. What do you mean, "What happened?"Copy !req
328. So she's down there:
"Sir, can we call someone?"Copy !req
329. And me and my friend—
This is the crazy part.Copy !req
330. We immediately go to her,
"Oh, no, no, no, honey, don't..."Copy !req
331. We start correcting her behavior
like she's doing something wrong.Copy !req
332. She's like, "Why, is he okay?"
"No, he needs you desperately.Copy !req
333. That's not the point.
We just don't do that here.Copy !req
334. You silly country girl."Copy !req
335. Hello?Copy !req
336. Louie? Hi, it's Dr. Ben.Copy !req
337. Hey, what's up, man?
Yeah, yeah. How are you?Copy !req
338. Um...
Look, I got back your blood work.Copy !req
339. Yeah?Copy !req
340. Yeah, listen—
Oh, sorry about being an ass, by the way.Copy !req
341. The thing is, I need you to come back in
to do some more tests.Copy !req
342. What—? What for?Copy !req
343. Well, your blood work shows
that you may have...Copy !req
344. slight big-fat-ginger-uglyitis.Copy !req
345. Oh, my God. You're such a dick.Copy !req
346. No, um, you've got AIDS.
That's what I thought, and it proved—Copy !req
347. Don't worry,
the cancer is gonna kill the AIDS...Copy !req
348. before it kills you quite slowly
and painfully.Copy !req
349. No, no, I'm—Copy !req
350. You do have cancer, though,
loads of it, in your scrotum.Copy !req
351. In fact, that's all there is in the scrotum.Copy !req
352. No balls at all,
just two healthy lumps of cancer...Copy !req
353. that replaced the horrible
old squidgy bollocks that were there.Copy !req
354. And that's gonna kill you as well.Copy !req
355. So, by the way, the AIDS shows—
It's very extensive.Copy !req
356. It shows that you got the AIDS
from raping a little blind boy.Copy !req
357. Louie?Copy !req