Louie 1x12

Directed by Louis C.K.

Ashley Gerasimovich as Jane • Pamela Adlon as Pamela • Hadley Delany as Lilly • Ursula Parker as Jane • Chris Rock as Chris

After an exhausting morning getting his girls ready for school, Louie lets a fellow dad at his daughter's school train him at the gym, where he proves to be in worse shape than he thought.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. The state senate met today to discuss...

2. the appointment of a new federal judge...

3. to fill the seat vacated by Gerald Thompson...

4. who died in November. The city comptroller commented...

5. that no statistics released by the Oversight Committee...

6. reflect a need for change in the budget plan.

7. The mayor has scheduled a news conference today...

8. where he is expected to smear his shit all over my fat natural boobs.

9. Channel 4 will carry the mayor's news conference live tomorrow—

10. —for change in the budget plan.

11. The mayor has scheduled a news conference...

12. where he is expected to address concerns...

13. that his office gave unfair advantage to private contractors...

14. who shaved his balls and peed in his mother's mouth, because she likes that.

15. She's a whore.

16. Channel 4 will carry the mayor's news conference live tomo—

17. My vagina is three feet away from my face.

18. The mayor's mom drinks pee, and Jews are dirty.

19. We'll be right back with the sports and weather.

20. Hello. Hi.

21. Oh.

22. Hello?

23. You mean Liz Ciani, on Channel 4?

24. Did you bang her?

25. No. What's wrong with you?

26. It was a dream. Idiot. Go back to sleep right now.

27. Get back there and bang the hell out of her.

28. Go back to sleep now.

29. Oh. Oh, good, you're here.

30. Hi. Hi. Uh—

31. Do— Do you wanna have sex with me?

32. What? But you're just a little boy.

33. What?

34. Daddy. Daddy.

35. Daddy. Daddy! Daddy!

36. Daddy! Da—

37. Daddy! I can't sleep.

38. What? Can I have some ice cream?

39. No.

40. How come you get to have ice cream and I don't?

41. Just— Here.

42. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

43. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

44. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

45. Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry

46. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

47. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

48. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

49. Louie, Louie, you're gonna die

50. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

51. I so don't wanna be here right now.

52. Where do you wanna be?

53. I don't know.

54. Twenty-five years old and all my mistakes ahead of me.

55. Hey, what are you doing this summer? You going anywhere?

56. I was thinking about taking Serge to visit some friends in Nantucket.

57. Whose dick was so long he could suck it?

58. What?

59. There was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it

60. Really? What happened to him?

61. I don't know.

62. He's probably dead by now. It's a pretty old limerick.

63. Mm.

64. Look at that kid.

65. Oh, Jesus. Whose kid is that? I don't know.

66. Somebody's gotta get that stick away from him.

67. He's heading towards your Lilly.

68. Hey! Hey!

69. Give me that back! Give me that back!

70. Little douche bag. That was awesome.

71. Thank you very much.

72. Hey, listen, um...

73. Uh-oh.

74. What?

75. Nothing. Go ahead.

76. Look, I just...

77. I don't know what your situation is with your kid's dad, and while I—

78. You know, we're friends, and I value that.

79. But I just was thinking that maybe—

80. Yeah. Like I said: "Uh-oh."

81. Why? Because you wanna sleep with me.

82. Well, or dinner. Have dinner or something. I don't know.

83. Let me ask you a question. What?

84. Why would I sleep with you?

85. Why? Why would I get into a bed with you?

86. Because you're very tired.

87. Long day and...

88. I don't know why. Maybe because you're very attracted to me.

89. Oh, really? Yeah. You are dying to sleep with me.

90. And you've been praying to Jesus every night that I would ask you.

91. "Please let him ask me."

92. Really? You really think that?

93. No, I don't.

94. Then why? Why would I do it?

95. I don't think you would.

96. I just want to— Mm-hm.

97. —and I was hoping that you would let me.

98. That's the greatest line, ahem, ever told.

99. Well, so...?

100. It's never gonna happen, pal. All right.

101. Try hitting one of these other moms. Oh, God.

102. Look at her.

103. I bet she'd suck your dick just to break the awful pattern of her life.

104. Maybe. How about her?

105. I bet if you ripped off that puffy coat...

106. she'd let you rub your smelly little cock all over her depressing tits.

107. I could see that.

108. Hey, how about that guy?

109. Wouldn't you like to climb on his head and rub your dirty bush all over his glasses?

110. I already did. It was good. Nice.

111. See that guy?

112. I bet he'd be happy to cram his balls right in your puss hole.

113. Oh, my God, his balls?

114. Yeah. Like if he just gathered them up and just crammed them in your puss.

115. Daddy, could I have some carrots? Yeah, sweetie.

116. Here. Share these with Serge, okay?

117. Okay. All right.

118. But how does he get his balls into my pussy?

119. Like— It's like packing a pipe.

120. Like, he just packs it in with his thumb, like this.

121. See, I gotta admit, I don't hate that. Right?

122. I was at the airport with my kids. I was at JFK.

123. They had to go to the bathroom. I had to go to the bathroom.

124. So take yourself through that logically. What do I do? What do I do?

125. I can't take them to the ladies' room. I can't just go, "Go on in there, girls...

126. into the public restroom of an international airport."

127. Just release my custody of them to whoever's in there.

128. "Go ahead. Good luck to you. Maybe I'll see you later."

129. I gotta take them into the men's room. That's what I have to do...

130. is take them into the John F. Kennedy Airport men's room.

131. "Look, girls, nine penises.

132. Nine penises that are all peeing at the same time.

133. Nine farting men from all over the world, with their dicks out...

134. shaking off droplets of pee from their syphilitic penises.

135. Look, three of them have foreskins. You can see the difference now."

136. What am I gonna do?

137. So I usher them past the parade of penises into a stall...

138. the Shangri-la of a stall...

139. the sanctity of an airport bathroom stall, number five out of ten.

140. And we're in there like this...

141. and there's a guy shitting, and there's a guy sh—

142. Right here, there's— I'm looking at the foot of a shitting man.

143. This foot. He's trying to get leverage so he can shit harder.

144. And he is shitting like— Oh, my God.

145. Pssh, plop, plop.

146. It sounded like soup cans and pennies just tumbling into the water.

147. Like his asshole dilated like this...

148. and the world fell out of it into the toilet.

149. And he's going:

150. And then I hear him go:

151. So now I know...

152. that he's spitting past his dick into his own shit and piss.

153. And he's literally 14 inches away from my daughter's little face.

154. And I get to know that that's what's going on in there.

155. Wow.

156. Girls, let's go. Let's go. Now. Please.

157. Come on, Lilly. We're late.

158. I'm sorry for yelling, but we're very late. I don't...

159. Jane. Jane. Jane.

160. Jane. Jane. Put it down. Put it down. Put it down.

161. Just come on.

162. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Bye, honey.

163. See you later. Hey.

164. All right.

165. Come on. Come on. Let's go, honey, please. Let's go.

166. Daddy, in school we're reading out loud— Up. Honey, go up. Up.

167. I love you. I'm sorry. Let's just go.

168. Hey. How you been, man?

169. I can't do it anymore, man. I just— Seriously, I can't do it.

170. Do what?

171. It's— It's just— It's 8:30 in the morning. I'm done.

172. I barely got them to school on time.

173. And now, what, I'm just gonna go home...

174. eat something bad and jack off and pass out.

175. Then it's time to pick them up again. Yeah, the grind.

176. Yeah, man, I can't do it. I feel like shit all the time.

177. Yeah, but look at yourself, man. Gotta get into shape.

178. Seriously. Being a parent is like being an athlete, right?

179. Gotta train for it so it's not so hard.

180. Pfft. Ugh.

181. You ever work with a trainer? Ha-ha-ha.

182. No. Dude, you should do that.

183. Seriously. It'll change your life. I could train you.

184. You're a trainer? I do a lot of things.

185. This is what we do. We go down to your gym.

186. Bring me in there. You let me give you a session.

187. If you like it...

188. You know what? That'd be good. Yeah?

189. That'd be good, yeah. When is good for you? When can you do it?

190. How about now? I'm not busy. Yeah, no. I gotta—

191. You gotta go home and take a nap, eat some bad food, jack off?

192. That sounds really busy. Yeah.

193. No, you're right, you're right.

194. Yeah. Let's do it, man. All right.

195. Okay. Let's go. I— Let's go.

196. Here we go. We're gonna start out with a jog.

197. Okay. Okay?

198. You okay?

199. Totally. Okay.

200. No, it's good. Good? Keep going?

201. Yeah, totally. All right, Rocky.

202. I'm good. No, I'm good.

203. Feeling it? Yeah, I can do that.

204. How you doing? You okay? Yeah, no, I'm okay.

205. I'm okay. I'm okay.

206. I gotta stop. I gotta stop. I gotta stop. No. Pain is a door. Walk through it.

207. No, I really gotta stop. I'm serious. Okay. Okay. Okay.

208. I'm sorry.

209. One, two, three, four, five.

210. One, two—

211. Okay. Squat. Pick them up. Curl.

212. Press. Above your head. Whew.

213. Shoot your feet back.

214. Pushup. Let's do it.

215. You're an animal. Let's go. Yeah. Okay.

216. Good. Try to stand straight. Okay.

217. Good.

218. Feel it, buddy. Feel the burn. Come on.

219. I can't. You can't—?

220. What do you mean? I'm too fat.

221. Push it out. Suck it. Suck that dick.

222. Let's go. Eat it up. Okay. Okay. Okay.

223. Breathe and push it out. Okay.

224. Yeah, baby! Yeah! Ah!

225. Yeah. All right. All right?

226. Thanks. Oh. Good.

227. Forty-five more. Shit.

228. Break yourself. Do it. Good. Yeah. Yeah. Aah! Aah!

229. Good. Nice.

230. You're an animal. Do it.

231. Looking good.

232. Yes.

233. All in the mind, baby.

234. Come on, Louie.

235. Hey, come on.

236. Can you try?

237. Come on, buddy. Try and—

238. No?

239. Okay.

240. Uh... Louie?

241. Louie. Louie. Hi. You're in the hospital.

242. It's Ben. It's Ben. Hey, hey, hey. No. Leave that. Leave that.

243. Right. How you feeling?

244. Well, yeah.

245. I told you, you've gotta start taking care of yourself.

246. What happened?

247. No, leave that. It's important.

248. So you gotta tell us all the details. We've got nothing to go on here. We got—

249. We're in the— What? The—?

250. I was working out.

251. A wanger ow. I don't know what that is.

252. I was at the gym. Washafwem. What is that?

253. I can't understand what you're saying. Well, take that shit out of your mouth.

254. It's not doing anything, anyway. Oh, Jesus, man.

255. Damn it. Asshole. What are you doing here, anyway?

256. You put me as one of your emergency contacts, you idiot.

257. That was a mistake. Wait till you see my bill for a hospital visit.

258. Great. Thank you.

259. So, what happened? I was at the gym.

260. Don't do that. Yeah.

261. You gotta realize you can't do normal things anymore.

262. You haven't got a body as such. You've just got a collection of broken...

263. mushed-up organs in a big, ginger, sweaty skin sack.

264. I get it, okay? Not today.

265. So go on. You were working out. Yeah. And?

266. I just— I got into this really bad place. I felt really, really bad.

267. And then I just passed out.

268. A lesson learned.

269. The lesson being: You're gonna die very soon from—

270. I'd like to die right now, please.

271. So I don't have to listen to this shit from you.

272. How we doing today? Hi.

273. Louie, I'm Dr. Drake. Hello.

274. I'm Ben. I'm Louie's doctor.

275. I just came in to see how he was doing. Well, that's fine.

276. How is he? Well, it was a pretty serious episode.

277. Really?

278. Normally, I like to have a kind of windup to this kind of news...

279. but we need to act fast here.

280. Your heart suffered a minor trauma last night, and you're very lucky that it did...

281. because when we did your chest x-ray...

282. it revealed a massive myocardial defecation.

283. What is that?

284. Well, it's very dangerous...

285. very rare, and fatal in most cases.

286. What it is is a giant pile of feces or shit that is sitting right on top of your heart.

287. Usually, this is caused by a bad marriage.

288. Jesus. Amazing.

289. That was absolutely perfect. No problem. See you later.

290. Nice to have met you. Big fan. Yeah, thank you, prick.

291. Terrific. Oh, my God. That's the best thing I've ever done.

292. A sweet old man making you shit yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself.

293. I'm proud of myself.

294. That's the weird thing. You're an asshole.

295. I'm more proud of that than saving lives.

296. You don't wanna spend your spare time...

297. transplanting a face on a burn victim that's—

298. No. I'd rather transplant a burn victim's face—

299. Get his burned face, take that off...

300. and put it on your face even though you didn't need it.

301. And your face I'd take off, but he wouldn't want it.

302. He'd go, "No, I'd rather go around screaming in agony as a skull...

303. than have that fat, freckly, ginger moron's face.

304. I tell you where you can put it."

305. I go, "Where?" He goes, "I also burnt my genitals and my anus. Put that face there.

306. That's where I'd rather— That's— That's the only way I'm taking that face...

307. is if it's instead of genitals and anal material. Okay?"

308. But I'm here to tell you, you're not gonna die immediately.

309. Fine. You're just as unhealthy—

310. I know. I gotta get into shape. No. No. The opposite.

311. You're so far gone...

312. you're such a pointless sort of creature now, that to try and get fit...

313. this'll always happen. You'll always hit that ceiling. You're—

314. Just don't try and get healthy. Eat what you want, and die early.

315. I think about killing myself sometimes. I'll be honest with you.

316. And it's not from depression.

317. It's not one of those, you know, pathetic kind of like:

318. "Ugh. I hate my life.

319. I wanna kill myself and end the pain." It's not like that. It's like a fantasy.

320. I'm like, "Oh, what if I died? That would be awesome. Mm."

321. I just look at the river, and I'm like, "I just wanna get in there.

322. You know, just get all snuggly in a river and die in it."

323. Three people were severely injured today...

324. when somebody put baby diarrhea on a Mexican pizza.

325. Police commissioner Richard Lampley farted into a box today...

326. and gave it to some douche bag who lives downstairs.

327. The mayor has scheduled a news conference today...

328. where he is expected to fart all over my tits 48 times.

329. Channel 4 will carry the news— N—

330. Oh. Dang. It's all right. You added "all over."

331. I did? What was I—? Yeah.

332. "Fart on my tits." Wait. "Fart on my tits." Okay.

333. And really enunciate that so we don't miss it.

334. "--where he is expected to fart on my tits 48 times." Okay.