Louie 1x11

Directed by Louis C.K.

Christopher Clark Gates as Guy • P.J. Connaire as Brian • Ann Dowd as Sister Carson • Amy Landecker as Louie's Mother • Tom Noonan as Dr. Haveford

When a nun at his Catholic school feels a young Louie and his friend aren't sufficiently penitent over Christ's suffering on the cross, a visiting doctor is brought in to give a graphic, medically specific description of the event, which haunts and frightens Louie. But Louie's mother turns up in a new incarnation as a wise and loving parent who tells Louie that relying on dogma isn't the best way to be a good person.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - hey. - hey.

2. why are you dressed like that?

3. this? I'm getting married.

4. what? when?

5. later today.

6. - congratulations. - thanks.

7. wait a minute. Who are you getting married to?

8. my mother's friend.

9. why?

10. one of my teeth is rotted.

11. if I marry her, I can use her medicaid.

12. you're getting married to get a tooth fixed?

13. I'm in a lot of pain.

14. yeah but that- what you're doing is crazy.

15. what's crazy? get married?

16. eat her pussy like I promised?

17. get my tooth fixed.

18. then divorce the old twat and tell her to go fuck herself.

19. aw, jeez.

20. she's gonna fall in love with you.

21. what are you gonna do if she doesn't want to divorce you?

22. who cares? she's 80, I'll cut the brakes on her scooter.

23. okay, well, good luck with that.

24. thanks. By the way, assholes,

25. we are registered at crate & barrel.

26. "lucky louie" was taped before a live audience.

27. - did you get your hair cut? - yeah, this morning.

28. it was an emergency.

29. an emergency? what happened?

30. wendy crawled into bed with us last night with a mouthful of gum.

31. so I got my hair cut and mike had to shave one of his pits.

32. well, it looks good. It's bouncy.

33. philippe's a genius.

34. you know, his name is french,

35. but he's puerto rican.

36. who do you go to?

37. oh. lately louie's been cutting my hair.

38. that's a relief. I thought you'd been paying for that.

39. go to philippe, he only costs 60 bucks.

40. I can't afford to spend $60 on a haircut, tina.

41. why not? are you broke?

42. listen.

43. I was wondering if maybe you would consider asking mike

44. - to give louie a raise. - no problemo.

45. really?

46. yeah, I'll tell mike to give him a $60 raise,

47. - so that you can get a decent haircut. - thanks, tina.

48. sure. Actually, I'll make it 75 so you can get a wax.

49. I can see your leg hair sticking through your jeans.

50. hey, why are you whistling?

51. 'cause I'm happy. Actually I got a raise today.

52. you whistle when you're happy?

53. I whistle when I'm depressed.

54. - really? - yeah. Like this:

55. what's wrong, jerry?

56. nothing. I was fine till I started whistling.

57. hey. I have good news.

58. - so do I. - you're gonna get a raise.

59. wait. How did you find out?

60. mike told tina and tina told you?

61. no, I told tina, then tina told mike.

62. told him what?

63. I told tina to have give you a raise

64. and she talked to him and he said, "okay."

65. oh so- so you did this?

66. what?

67. I guess I just thought I earned it.

68. oh, honey. You did earn it.

69. you do a good job and you work really hard.

70. and that is why I gave you a raise.

71. we've got the new camshaft gear for the '92 acura.

72. that car left here yesterday.

73. it was running?

74. - hey, I'll go do the brakes of that mazda. - all right.

75. hey...

76. did you give me a raise just 'cause tina told you to?

77. yeah. Why?

78. well, I thought maybe I earned it.

79. really?

80. so you can just give me a raise at any point?

81. sure.

82. why didn't you give me a raise like six months ago?

83. tina didn't tell me to.

84. no, I mean I don't like that I got a raise just because of my wife.

85. why did you take the job?

86. - what? - we didn't hire you because we needed the help.

87. we hired you because kim told tina that you needed to work.

88. I't know that.

89. well, it explains why you didn't thank me.

90. this is bullshit. I don't need your charity.

91. again, not my idea.

92. you know what man? I quit.

93. - okay. - okay.

94. oh wait, louie. Let me fire you so you can collect unemployment.

95. - hey. - hey.

96. - how was your day? - good.

97. g ood.

98. I think there's a short in this cord.

99. oh yeah? I quit my job today.

100. what? why?

101. I don't want a pity job that you got for me.

102. I feel like everybody is been humoring me

103. like when lucy does a drawing and we put it on the refrigerator

104. and we say, "oh, you are going to be an artist."

105. she's not gonna be a fucking artist.

106. - what's your problem? - I don't have a problem.

107. everything's great now. You may have gotten me a job,

108. maybe you got me a raise,

109. but I quit all by myself. I did that.

110. no one can take that shit away from me.

111. so he's mad at you for doing him a favor?

112. yeah, can you believe that?

113. he's got the sweetest setup of anybody ever.

114. I work and pay the bills, he barely does shit.

115. but he wants to get out of the house, so we get him a job,

116. which just covers the daycare so he can work the job,

117. and at the job all he does is eat donuts with his jackass friends.

118. - no offense to your husband. - none taken.

119. and I end up doing most of the housework for him,

120. and on top of everything else I fuck him and give him a blowy every now and then.

121. - you do so much. - I know, right?

122. you know what you should do?

123. quit your job and make him get off his ass and support you for a while.

124. I don't wanna quit my job. I love being a nurse.

125. you shouldn't have to work.

126. well, I never think of it as work.

127. it's what I've always wanted to be since I was a little girl.

128. so what? he's getting to do what he wants to do.

129. but maybe he's not though.

130. has he ever gotten to do what he wants to do?

131. oh, make up your mind. Is he a dick or not?

132. - hi. - hi.

133. tin, could you...

134. oh shit, I wanted to see this one.

135. so where did you go?

136. just walking around, thinking a lot.

137. I'm sorry about blowing up before.

138. never mind that.

139. listen, I have something important to say to you.

140. come on, sit down.

141. - what do you want? - what do you mean?

142. it's weird.

143. I don't really know. Do you have...

144. like a dream? I got to be a nurse.

145. was there ever something that you wanted to do with your life

146. that you never got a chance to do?

147. well, yeah, I wanted to be a pilot.

148. ofirplanes?

149. it just always seemed really cool to me.

150. when I was in high school I was really into it.

151. - I didn't know that. - yeah.

152. I memorized the whole radio alphabet.

153. alpha, bravo, charlie, delta, echo, foxtrot,

154. golf, hotel, india, juliet, kilo, lima,

155. mike, november, oscar, papa, romeo, sierra,

156. tango, uniform, victor, whiskey, x-ray, yankee, zulu.

157. wow. That's long.

158. so why didn't you ever do anything about it?

159. I did. I went to the air force recruiting center,

160. and they gave me some forms to take home and I just never filled them out.

161. why not?

162. well, I had to make a copy of my driver's license,

163. and the copier at the library was broken

164. and I kind of lost momentum after that.

165. okay, look. You have to do this.

166. this is your dream, you gotta go for it.

167. kim, I'm 38.

168. exactly you're 38, fuck it.

169. take a shot, why not?

170. I mean you already know that alphabet thingy

171. with the alpha-onesie-twosie. That shit is sexy.

172. yeah, but... can we do this?

173. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

174. but you supported me through nursing school,

175. I'm willing to let you give this a try.

176. you wanna be a pilot? go be a pilot.

177. wow, really?

178. yeah. Actually I'm kind of excited.

179. it's been a while since I fucked a pilot.

180. okay. What cloud types

181. would indicate convective turbulence?

182. a: cirrus.

183. b: nimbostratus

184. c: towering cumulus.

185. come on, douche bag, we just went over it.

186. is it a?

187. c: towering cumulus.

188. what kind of dipshit doesn't know that?

189. you're supposed to be helping me.

190. yeah, but by discouraging you

191. I'm saving countless lives.

192. sorry to interrupt. Can I get a couple ice cubes?

193. yeah, sure, jerry.

194. I'm glad your unemployment is not getting you down.

195. you're trying to better yourself like I do.

196. better yourself?

197. there's a version of him that's worse than this?

198. it's all about helping people.

199. that's why when I ha time, I go help out at the soup kitchen.

200. - you do? - yeah.

201. they got free soup. I eat there all the time.

202. I thought you said you were helping people.

203. I am. if I wasn't there, who would they give the soup to?

204. see, I'm helping them,

205. because it makes them feel good

206. to bring people soup.

207. oh, I see your logic. What about this:

208. by helping them feel good, it makes you feel good, right?

209. right.

210. so technically, aren't they the ones helping you?

211. oh. you're right.

212. I didn't help anybody.

213. I've been wasting my life.

214. now I gotta rethink everything.

215. all right, relax jerry, have another ice cube.

216. all right, lou, let's go.

217. pilot minimum flight visibility

218. - for class e airspace- - okay, wait wait wait wait.

219. my head's starting to hurt, can we take a break?

220. fine by me.

221. now that's a cumulus cloud.

222. check it out. I know the whole radio alphabet.

223. alpha, bravo, charlie, delta,

224. echo, foxtrot, golf, hotel, india...

225. juliet, kilo, lima, mike, november, oscar.

226. wait a minute. You guys know it too?

227. yeah. I learned the whole thing off of my police scanner.

228. I don't know how I know it.

229. what the fuck is going on here?

230. we're taking a study break.

231. okay, I'm picking up lucy from daycare in 10 minutes.

232. rich, get your weed and your superbong out of my house.

233. fine.

234. I'll finish this on the bus.

235. jerry, go downstairs please, I'll talk toou later.

236. all right.

237. you ally inspired me, louie!

238. I can't believe you spent the whole day getting stoned.

239. do you know they frown on this when you are a pilot?

240. I'm not gonna be a pilot. Who are we kidding?

241. - why not? - it's too hard.

242. all these vectors, and altitudes, and sea level.

243. who gives a shit what the cs are called?

244. I just wanted to fly around.

245. okay, so maybe you flying planes was a little ambitious.

246. let's shoot for a more realistic dream

247. that involves stuff that you're already good at.

248. you mean a dream about mufflers?

249. whose dream is that?

250. you know I never thought ofctually trying to build a future with mufflers,

251. - but maybe... - muffler city on central avenue.

252. they are looking for a new assiant manager.

253. I haven't fucked an assistant manager in a while either.

254. this is so great that you got a job interview, jerry.

255. yeah. I'm turning my life around.

256. I'm gonna get a job, a stove and a cat.

257. let's just start with a job.

258. so what does this company do?

259. that's gonna be the first question I ask at the interview.

260. thanks.

261. listen, this is louie's only suit, so be careful.

262. don't worry, I'm not gonna lose it.

263. I'm gonna keep it on the whole time.

264. hey, look at yo

265. assistant manager bad-ass.

266. yeah, I look like a bottle of fanta.

267. anyway, here I go.

268. great. Here. Good luck, babe.

269. thanks. Hey, jerry, have a good interview.

270. have a good first day flying, captain.

271. I wanna work for your fine organization.

272. oh.

273. I like your enthusiasm,

274. and I can offer you an entry-level position.

275. oh. okay, yeah.

276. okay then. You got yourself a job.

277. oh. thanks a lot.

278. well, welcome aboard.

279. yeah, welcome aboard.

280. welcome aboard.

281. it's like, "welcome," it's like...

282. "well, come aboard."

283. it's well, it's good, it's great.

284. you're aboard now. In fact, you're on board

285. but you're not a board.

286. you're enlivened now.

287. you're given life. That's what you did.

288. you woke up this morning and you said, "I'm gonna liven somebody,"

289. while- that's what you were thinking while you were shaving,

290. that's what you were thinking, you were just gonna hire somebody.

291. you're not the hirer, u're the guy who gets them on the ship.

292. and you y the ship on the sea

293. of what happens next.

294. you got me into an arena

295. of "let's make it happen now."

296. you know, this ain't just a building,

297. and paintings. You've got colors flying around here.

298. you designate colors. You inject colors

299. into the man and say, "hey, man, let the colors fly!

300. let them fly, man! you're here to soar!"

301. it's about soaring buddy, the ship don't float.

302. the ship soars man.

303. and it cuts away the pirates coming up,

304. and the piranhas and the sharks!

305. so what time? what is the time

306. that you desire, that you long for

307. rapaciously? you're vicious.

308. you want me viciously-

309. what time you want me in here?

310. 9:00 am?

311. - hey, how was work? - great.

312. - really, really great. - that's awesome.

313. yeah, I gotta say being a manager is pretty cool.

314. you get to deal with the customers instead of being under a car all day.

315. and it's a really great group of guys working over there.

316. and I fucking hate it!

317. - what? - muffler city sucks.

318. that whorehouse can eat my ass.

319. the mechanics are all shitbags who hate me.

320. and the customers think they're on a fucking day spa.

321. today this guy complained that his tailpipe was dirty.

322. and I had to say, "sorry, sir,"

323. instead of, "stick it up your dick, you pussyfaced pussy!"

324. did you like the sandwich I made you for lunch?

325. I ate it on the toilet while crying.

326. honey, maybe tomorrow will be better.

327. I was happy before, hanging out with mike,

328. and fixing the occasional muffler or not.

329. I'm gonna go back to mintz right now,

330. and beg mike for my job back.

331. - actually, could you maybe... - I'll call tina.

332. yeah.

333. echo, foxtrot, golf, hotel,

334. india, juliet, kilo, lima,

335. michael, november, oscar, papa,

336. - qu- oh. ah. - no, don't stop.

337. - uh- ooh. - get to zulu!

338. okay. November, oscar, papa...