Louie 1x10

Directed by Louis C.K.

Stephen Root as Dr. Hepa • Chuck Sklar as Osama Bin Laden • Adepero Oduye as Tarese • Mando Alvarado as Manager • Bonita Elery as Tarese's Sister

Louie tries to overcome his fear of dentists, and tries to get a date with an African American grocery cashier.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

2. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

3. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

4. Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry

5. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

6. Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

7. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

8. Louie, Louie, you're gonna die

9. Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

10. Okay, here's— Here's the thing.

11. I have two children...

12. and the thing that scares me the most is that they disappear.

13. Nothing scares me more than them disappearing.

14. That's every parent's worst fear.

15. Now, why do kids disappear sometimes?

16. I think it's because somebody took them and had sex with them...

17. and once you have sex with a kid, you gotta toss them...

18. because people hate folks who have sex with kids...

19. more than pretty much anything.

20. If you murder somebody, folks will find you a reason.

21. "Ah. You were upset. You hadn't—

22. You know, you didn't... You were dehydrated, whatever."

23. So here's the thing.

24. So if you have sex with a kid, you gotta chuck them out...

25. because if the kid tells anybody, you're screwed.

26. So here's— I can't help thinking that if we could take down a few notches...

27. the hatred for kid-having-sex people, at least you'd get the kid back.

28. That's what I'm trying to say, is that the guy could just call you.

29. "Hey, I just f***** your kid.

30. Do you want me to bring him to soccer or drop him at your house?

31. Does...

32. Does he have any nut allergies, because he just...

33. Uh— He just ate some cashew butter ****."

34. I know, listen, listen. Listen, listen to me, listen to me.

35. I know that's hard to hear.

36. I know that's hard to hear. But it's true.

37. It's true, that if we minded child molesting less, less kids would die.

38. That's true.

39. Now, I don't know what to do with that information.

40. I don't have a way to apply that to anything that's helpful.

41. Hello, hello.

42. Hi.

43. I'm Dr. Hepa, how are you today? I'm okay.

44. Yeah. You look a little nervous. Yeah.

45. A bit of a dentalphobe, are you? Mm-hm.

46. Look, I understand.

47. You've come to the right place. I make dentalphobes my specialty.

48. Yeah, my friend Nick told me that, that's why...

49. Good, I understand.

50. Now, ahem, look.

51. Louie, I know how you feel.

52. Thank you. No, you don't get it.

53. I know how you feel. That's why I do this.

54. You mean that— Yeah.

55. I have been afraid of dentists my whole life. Terrified.

56. Really? Yeah, still am.

57. I hate dentists. Yeah.

58. But that is why I developed this practice, to help people like you and me.

59. Yeah, unfortunately, I can't visit myself, so—

60. Right. I'm just waiting for my teeth to rot out.

61. Wow. Yeah.

62. So let's find out where you are here.

63. Okay, now, listen to me...

64. I'm gonna do a light exam of your teeth. Okay.

65. I'm gonna use this. See, that's—

66. And I'm just, I'm just— Okay.

67. Just gonna tap your teeth with it, okay?

68. Okay, all right. Just open your mouth.

69. And I'm gonna— Let's just see what we got here.

70. Aah, aah, aah.

71. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow.

72. You're really bad?

73. Yeah, it's the— I think it's just the sound, it's the tapping.

74. It's... Okay, all right.

75. Let's get right to it, then. What?

76. Well, the drugs and the gas. Okay, good.

77. No need to mess around. Right, right.

78. Here, take one of these. Okay.

79. Chew it up. Oh, do I need water?

80. Yeah, it tastes good, doesn't it? No.

81. No. There you go.

82. I'm gonna give you a little gas here. Okay.

83. Yeah.

84. Oh, there you are.

85. Look, doesn't that feel better?

86. Gonna make that very comfortable right there.

87. Okay. I'm gonna get you some music. Okay.

88. To alleviate your fear. Mm-hm. Okay.

89. Yeah. It comes from Saudi Arabia.

90. You know, where they make this music...

91. they live in the most punishing desert in the world...

92. so they've developed this music as a sort of a spiritual analgesic.

93. Yeah. I'm gonna turn up the gas.

94. I'm gonna be honest with you.

95. I'm gonna give you more gas than I've ever given anyone.

96. Yeah.

97. That pill should be kicking in...

98. right about now. Yeah.

99. Isn't it? I can feel it.

100. You know what you can feel? You can feel like you're leaving your body.

101. It feels like I'm leaving my body, I feel like I'm leaving my body.

102. I feel like I'm leaving my body. Sure you do.

103. Here we go. I feel like I'm leaving my body.

104. Put them right here so you can— Oh... I feel like I'm leaving my father's body.

105. Here it comes.

106. Here comes the music.

107. I can hear it.

108. Yeah.

109. Oh, man, he was right. This is intense.

110. What?

111. Wait a minute.

112. You're Osama bin Laden.

113. Oh, my God. Dude, can I just get... I'm sorry, can I just get a quick...

114. Thank you. I just— Wow!

115. This is intense. You're like the worst guy ever.

116. Welcome to God's world. God's world?

117. If you were any closer to him, you would be burning alive right now.

118. We live near him, so we are closer to him than all others.

119. So being in the desert is what makes you guys crazy?

120. If it pleases you to say so, yes.

121. Living here, dying here, as we all will...

122. it gives us a higher vantage point on existence.

123. We view the human flesh as like the peel of a fruit to be shucked away.

124. The people in those towers, those steel cages, we freed them.

125. They are with us now.

126. Uh... No.

127. No? I mean, I get the whole desert...

128. higher plane, whatever thing, but you totally shouldn't have done 9/11.

129. I mean, ahem, people aren't fruit, you know?

130. That wasn't nice.

131. It wasn't nice?

132. Yeah, you shouldn't do anything to anybody...

133. that you wouldn't want them to do to you. Right?

134. Would you want anybody to do a 9/11-y thing to you?

135. I guess what I'm saying is, and maybe this is oversimplifying things...

136. but I think that 9/11 was a bullshit move.

137. Basically, you're saying we're assholes. - Yeah.

138. And I don't mean to offend you, but I think you're an asshole.

139. Shit.

140. Wait a minute, did I just talk you guys out of being terrorists?

141. Well...

142. I just never looked at it like that.

143. Man, this is crazy.

144. Hi. How do you feel?

145. What? Here. Have some of this banana.

146. Well, I am hungry. Yeah.

147. Now, open wide.

148. Are you gonna peel it or anything? No. The skin tastes really good. Here.

149. Yeah, now, don't bite down, don't bite down.

150. Just leave it in your mouth. Yeah.

151. Now, just easy.

152. Easy, yeah. Just—

153. Oh, good, you're awake. Okay.

154. What just happened? Huh? Nothing, nothing.

155. You're fine. Nothing wrong with your teeth. You're free to go.

156. But, wait, what about that I— It hurts when I bite down.

157. Don't bite down so hard. Ha-ha. Okay.

158. Thanks for coming by. Hey, hey, big fan, really big fan.

159. There's a sense that when you're out there looking for somebody...

160. you're trying to spread your seed.

161. Really, guys would like all women to just lay on the ground with their legs open...

162. and we could just spray, like a mist.

163. Just...

164. Just mists of come that then trickle down.

165. I'm not one of the guys who can walk up to women and talk to them.

166. Like, there's guys, like, there's a lot of sinewy black guys...

167. that wear puka beads.

168. Not hard brothers from the hood.

169. With, like, a suede vest with nothing else on.

170. Suede vest, both nipples showing...

171. good stomach, puka-bead necklace...

172. you know, like those bracelets that are, like, just leather?

173. I'm getting a little hard picturing this guy.

174. This guy is sexy. This guy gets laid.

175. This guy gets laid.

176. Press the green button.

177. Again.

178. Hey. Ahem.

179. How you doing?

180. When are you going on your break?

181. I don't know, no one told me nothing.

182. You— Have you worked here? Were you working here—?

183. Credit or debit? Oh. Cash.

184. Making me touch your money.

185. Sorry.

186. Your name's Tarese?

187. Is that how to say that, Tarese— Next!

188. Next.

189. Credit or debit? Credit.

190. Oh, yeah, sure.

191. Here.

192. What? These are for you.

193. Those ain't for me.

194. They are, I bought them for you.

195. I bought them from you, for you and now I'm giving them to you.

196. Here, take them. I don't know you.

197. Yeah, you do. I come here like twice a week.

198. You've checked my items 50, 100 times.

199. Look, I just bought these for you. Just take them.

200. Manager! - Yeah?

201. This customer is trying to give me some flowers, but I don't know him.

202. You can't do that, sir.

203. What? She don't want the flowers.

204. You can't do that.

205. Go ahead and swipe your card, I'll give you a refund.

206. To me, the whole thing of walking up to a woman...

207. and talking to her is so fake that I can't, you know, I...

208. "Hi! How would you like to have sex with me and then wish you hadn't later?

209. Would you be into that?"

210. Hey. Hi, um, I— I, uh...

211. From before, I just wanted to say I, um...

212. What do you want?

213. I wanna... I wanna take you out.

214. I was thinking maybe... Are you—? You crazy.

215. Why, why is that crazy?

216. What if...?

217. Uh— My name's Louie.

218. I just...

219. Don't step in the diarrhea-vomit.

220. I think that's vomit of somebody who ate diarrhea.

221. Listen, I just— If you would, just, for one second...

222. So, uh— Look, Lou, dude.

223. I don't know what you thinking, but it ain't gonna happen.

224. Listen, I understand. I don't— I get it.

225. We're not... We don't know each other.

226. We're from different worlds. It's not— It's weird.

227. It's probably kind of creepy how I'm following you.

228. I just...

229. I guess I just wonder if maybe it's not—

230. What if it's okay to meet somebody outside of the people...

231. that you thought that you would usually meet?

232. I mean, how do you know...? What if it turns out—? What if...?

233. What if it turns out I'm like a—? Suck a dick, son.

234. All right, I think I'm gonna keep trying...

235. because I guess I feel like you're probably putting up a defense...

236. because you're from a, like, a tough neighborhood.

237. Like a black— I don't mean, like, black— I don't mean, like black.

238. Can you pretend I didn't say any of the things I've said so far?

239. Wow, that was a really long ride. You do that every day?

240. Uh— So this is like Harlem.

241. You don't wait for the light, huh? You just keep on going. Okay. Sorry!

242. Listen, I just—

243. What I'm wondering is if we could go to, like, a coffee place?

244. I don't know if they drink coffee up here.

245. I've never been to this type of neighborhood and...

246. That's the thing, if you meet somebody new...

247. it kind of broadens your horizons and you—

248. What do you want?

249. I want to get to know you.

250. So, what, you never been with a black girl before?

251. You want to see what it's like to do it with a black girl?

252. You see me every day at the store and you got it in your head:

253. "What would it be like to go to her neighborhood and have sex with her?"

254. Is that it?

255. Well, guess what?

256. You don't get what you want. Not all the time.

257. Hello.

258. Hi.

259. Go, baby! Yeah, yeah!

260. Yeah!

261. You know when somebody sees a hot woman...

262. there's that thing we just call "a hot woman."

263. Like, there's a lot of guys who say, "How do I talk to the hot girls?"

264. Why do you wanna talk to a hot girl?

265. Why would you want to talk to somebody with a drink, going: "Ehhh."

266. Why would you wanna have that conversation?

267. You own a landscaping business. You're incredible.

268. You're an amazing human being.

269. You started a landscaping business from nothing.

270. F*** her, man.

271. Go get a— Find a woman, an old, kind of your age...

272. late 30s, Jewish girl, smokes and gives tough hand jobs.

273. You know, I love Jewish girls...

274. because they just go, "Come on!" And they're awesome!

275. "I'm gonna suck it, all right? You ready?"

276. Totally, suck it, you dirty Jew.

277. I love you.

278. Oh, I love Jews.

279. Do you ever get...? You ever been curious about, um...?

280. You ever...? Uh—

281. I know that— I know that the usual thing is like up the...

282. Black dudes like the white girls, you know?

283. But I don't know if—

284. It's not the usual thing you hear about the other...

285. I mean, if I look at it from your point of view, like...

286. if you see a black guy compared to, like, any white guy...

287. we probably seem, like, gay.

288. Okay, okay.

289. But the thing is, I have—

290. I mean, I'm not trying to, like, say I have— I mean, I have—

291. I do have things that a lot of black guys don't have.

292. And I'm not... That's not fair.

293. Okay, what I'm trying to say is that...

294. everybody has their advantage.

295. Those dudes have their things and...

296. I feel like this is sounding really totally wrong.

297. I feel like this is sounding like I'm trying to say that black guys have big dicks...

298. and I have money, and that's not what I'm trying to say.