Loiter Squad: Season 1, Episode 5

1. Police Squad! In color.

2. Starring Leslie Nielsen.

3. Also starring Alan North.

4. And Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln.

5. Tonight's special guest star, Florence Henderson.

6. Tonight's episode, Terror in The Neighborhood.

7. All right, girls, that was very, very nice.

8. Now, we're gonna do it one more time, okay?

9. Now, just watch me very carefully

10. and do exactly as I do, okay?

11. And...

12. It's payday, teacher. Let's have the 50 bucks.

13. Look, I don't have anything this week. Business is really bad.

14. Come on, come on, continue, girls. Go on.

15. Well, ain't that too bad?

16. Looks like the teacher needs a few lessons, Rock.

17. - Give her the business. - No, please, don't.

18. It's okay, sweetheart. I'm just gonna rearrange

19. your pretty little face for you.

20. My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,

21. Detective Lieutenant Police Squad,

22. a special division of the police department.

23. I was out testing new emergency police vehicles

24. when I got the call about a girl beaten in what appeared to be

25. a neighborhood protection racket scheme.

26. I drove down to headquarters immediately.

27. My boss, Ed Hocken, was already there.

28. Hi, Ed.

29. Oh, hi, Frank.

30. I'm glad you're here. This is a tough one.

31. - What do we got? - One scared lady.

32. A couple of hoods beat up on her real good.

33. Did she say anything?

34. No, nothing.

35. Same MO as the others.

36. All right, where is she?

37. Right over there.

38. Oh, Frank?

39. She looks pretty bad.

40. I'm Sergeant Drebin, Jill.

41. I know this may not be the right time...

42. Oh, Frank, not that bad. That's her over there.

43. Sorry, madam.

44. Jill?

45. I'm Captain Drebin.

46. Cigarette?

47. Yes, it is.

48. Well, I'm here to help you.

49. - Coffee? - No, thank you.

50. - Tea? - No.

51. Eclair?

52. Rum ball? Torte?

53. No, really, thank you.

54. Jill, you've got to give us something to go on.

55. Names, description, sounds, smells, shirt size, anything.

56. Will you do that?

57. I really should go. I shouldn't be here.

58. Jill, I know you're frightened.

59. These criminals, that's what they count on.

60. Fear is their greatest weapon.

61. Jill, if you help us,

62. we'll put them behind bars for good.

63. I'm sorry, but I just didn't get a good look.

64. Now we can't let these vermin infest our city.

65. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.

66. Frank, please,

67. I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

68. A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.

69. Oh, Frank, cut it out, will you? I'm talking to my mother.

70. I'm really sorry.

71. All right, Jill. I see I'm wasting my breath.

72. See the girl over there?

73. When she leaves, put a tail on her.

74. Ed.

75. Frank.

76. Are these guys concentrating on any particular area in the city?

77. No, we're getting complaints from all over, all over town.

78. I have a hunch they're concentrating right here.

79. And nobody'll talk?

80. No. I tell you, Frank, without a witness, we're dead.

81. Maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence firsthand.

82. I don't understand, Frank.

83. Well,

84. now let's say a new merchant moves into the neighborhood,

85. opens up a shop.

86. Okay.

87. A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.

88. Then let's say

89. that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

90. All right.

91. That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

92. That's a good plan, Frank.

93. Al, get down to this neighborhood here,

94. locate a small business that we can occupy immediately.

95. Okay, Lieutenant. I'll get right on it.

96. What happened to your face?

97. I ran into a fire sprinkler.

98. Okay, go ahead.

99. Frank, you better take somebody with you.

100. Get ahold of Officer Norberg.

101. Tell him to drop whatever he's doing, get up here on the double.

102. Yes, Captain.

103. Al did his job well.

104. He found an abandoned locksmith's shop

105. just down the street from Jill's dance studio

106. in the heart of the terrorized neighborhood.

107. It was a perfect location in an area of small businesses.

108. Honest people who worked hard to make a modest living,

109. easy pickings for extortionists.

110. Officer Norberg from the undercover unit was assigned to the case.

111. We planned to establish a business and hoped to become targets ourselves.

112. Key is ready.

113. Thank you. Come again.

114. Thank you.

115. Ah, there we are, sir.

116. Um, I'll just buff this down for you.

117. Shoot!

118. Beat it, brushfire.

119. Hey, what's the idea of running my customer off?

120. We just wanna have a little chat with you.

121. You the new owner of this shop?

122. That's right. What can I do for you?

123. - Nice place. - Thank you.

124. You know, this is a rough neighborhood.

125. Bet you'd hate to see something happen to your little key store.

126. What about my little keister?

127. Key store.

128. You give us 50 bucks a week and we make sure your place stays safe.

129. I'm not interested.

130. We'd hate to have to make you interested.

131. Get out of my shop! You get nothing from me.

132. I think you're gonna be sorry you said that, mister.

133. Oh, yeah? You and who else?

134. Easy, Rock.

135. We'll see you around.

136. Take care.

137. Well, Norberg, looks like we made contact with the organization.

138. You know, I was just thinking, Lieutenant,

139. what if we offered one key free for every three keys duplicated?

140. And they know we're not gonna be easy.

141. The next move is up to them.

142. But only as a limited-time offer.

143. Look out!

144. It looks like they mean business.

145. I went back to the lab

146. to find out what Olson had come up with.

147. The rock that came through our window was their first warning.

148. I knew it wouldn't be long before we were contacted again.

149. So, Billy,

150. electrostatic particles are created by an imbalance of electrons.

151. The resulting charge is what we scientists call static electricity.

152. Gee.

153. It's— It's just like when your mom takes a dress out of the dryer,

154. puts it on and it— and it clings to every supple curve and soft, round...

155. Oh, hi, Frank.

156. Why don't you run along now, Billy.

157. Next week don't forget to bring in

158. those magazines you found under your father's bed.

159. Okay, Mr. Olson. Bye.

160. What you got, Ted?

161. Not very much, Frank.

162. I did a complete rundown on the rock that came through your window.

163. No fingerprints, no laundry marks.

164. - It's clean. - Mmm-hmm.

165. It's a heck of an efficient weapon, Frank.

166. You have to admire the simplicity of design.

167. Where'd it come from?

168. It's very interesting.

169. I have a theory about that.

170. As you know, Frank, billions of years ago

171. our Earth was a molten mass.

172. But for some reason, not understood by scientists,

173. the Earth cooled, forming a crust,

174. a hard igneous shell.

175. What we scientists call rock.

176. The next morning, Officer Norberg and I continued our business

177. as if nothing had happened.

178. But I knew we hadn't seen the last of our two persuasive friends.

179. They were obviously determined to control the neighborhood,

180. and I was determined to try to stop them any way I could.

181. Uh, something I can do for you?

182. Ox smith?

183. No, no, no, no, locksmith.

184. Locksmith.

185. Hi, Norberg.

186. Glad you're back, Lieutenant. Business is booming.

187. I just got a huge order to deliver some deadbolts.

188. Be back in a few minutes.

189. No problem.

190. Well, if it isn't the insurance salesmen.

191. You should be more careful with your property.

192. Yeah, we heard you had a bad accident.

193. It's too bad you weren't protected.

194. The way I look at it, you owe me $100 for that window.

195. Us?

196. I don't know what you're talking about.

197. So, how do you explain this?

198. Well, billions of years ago the Earth was a molten mass.

199. I'm not interested in that.

200. You owe me $100. Now cough it up.

201. That's only a 20.

202. Rocky.

203. Why don't you lie there till Tuesday.

204. That's when they pick up the garbage.

205. You idiots.

206. You stupid, lame-brained, inept morons!

207. What's wrong, Dutch?

208. What's wrong, Dutch?

209. You make a hero out of a punk like that,

210. he will start getting ideas.

211. They think we're soft.

212. Pretty soon, we're out of business.

213. I'll take care of this myself.

214. Well, when you get through with him, can we work him over?

215. I'm afraid that won't be possible.

216. When I get through with him, he'll be dead.

217. Okay, that'll be eight padlocks,

218. five combos, two deadbolts and a dozen hide-a-keys.

219. By the way, would you be interested in our holiday gift set?

220. All right, I just thought I'd ask. Be right over.

221. Got a delivery, Frank.

222. Right, Norberg.

223. May I help you?

224. Yes, I'd like my apartment key duplicated, please.

225. Well, I think I can handle that.

226. Miss, uh...

227. Call me Stella.

228. All right, Stella.

229. You know, uh, you can tell a lot about a woman by her keys.

230. Oh, really?

231. Oh, yes.

232. Take my key, for example.

233. It's silver-plated,

234. indicating that, um,

235. I'm a woman who likes the finer things in life.

236. I see.

237. And the face of the key is unscratched.

238. That suggests I have a gentle touch.

239. I understand.

240. Uh, how many of these apartment keys would you like?

241. Fifty.

242. You can mail 49 of them to the Chicago Bears.

243. Well.

244. And where would you like the 50th sent?

245. Just bring it around to my apartment.

246. You do deliver, don't you?

247. Of course.

248. 3:00, then. Just let yourself in.

249. It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment.

250. She had neglected to give me her address.

251. But I had a feeling she'd still be waiting for me.

252. Hey, come on. Good boy.

253. That's not exactly my idea of a warm welcome.

254. I thought you were a burglar.

255. Oh, cuts quite a story.

256. I deliver the key as promised. You shoot me as a burglar.

257. That's your story.

258. That's the telephone.

259. Pick it up.

260. Hello.

261. Hello, baby. This is Dutch.

262. You take care of that locksmith for me?

263. Now you say what I tell you. Everything is taken care of.

264. Everything is taken care of.

265. That's my girl.

266. I'd sure like to see you.

267. I'd sure like to see you.

268. Sure thing, baby. You still love me?

269. Of course I love you.

270. Of course I love you.

271. You don't sound like you mean it, lambikins.

272. Of course I mean it, lambikins.

273. Of course I mean it, lambikins.

274. Do you really, binky poo?

275. More than anything, schnooky lumps.

276. More than anything, schnooky lumps.

277. Schnooky lumps? Oh, I like that.

278. Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before.

279. Hey, what happened last night to bring this on?

280. When you held me in your manly arms

281. and crushed me to your lips,

282. I discovered what it meant to be a real woman.

283. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips,

284. your strong chin, the way you touch,

285. the way you smother me with kisses...

286. Honey, I gotta go. Um...

287. Meet me at my office tomorrow at 3:00.

288. All right, darling.

289. All right, darling.

290. What're you going to do now?

291. You and I are going down to headquarters.

292. I booked Stella on an attempted murder charge.

293. I had a stop to make before I kept my date with Dutch.

294. What's the word in the streets, Johnny?

295. I hear a lot of things.

296. What do you know about Dutch Gunderson?

297. He grew up an orphan on the Lower South Side.

298. His mother, a prostitute, died when he was only three.

299. He started stealing apples at the age of six.

300. Spent a lifetime in juvenile hall.

301. All he's ever known is the world of crime.

302. This doesn't excuse what he does,

303. but I think we understand him a little better.

304. I got 20 asking for concrete evidence against Dutch.

305. I know none of this is admissible, Lieutenant,

306. but I got some photostats

307. of a couple of business dealings

308. that make your guy look pretty dirty.

309. Thanks, Johnny.

310. It seems I've got a 3:15 appointment.

311. 3:00.

312. Well.

313. Johnny, there's a fire in the Brubaker Building.

314. I don't know anything about it.

315. That's a furniture warehouse.

316. Once the fire hits the polyvinyl,

317. you'll have dense smoke and lethal chlorine gas.

318. Extinguish the main part of the fire with pump trucks and with foam.

319. And bring in a cherry picker to evacuate the survivors.

320. Thanks, Johnny.

321. Men, get your gas masks.

322. I want a cherry picker over here. All right, let's move it!

323. Oh, you're right on time, lambikins.

324. Make yourself a drink, baby.

325. No, thanks, Dutch.

326. Who are you, and how did you get in here?

327. I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.

328. I'm surprised to see you're still alive, locksmith.

329. Stella usually doesn't miss.

330. I'm sorry to disappoint you. Just lucky, I guess.

331. Well, your luck has just run out.

332. Oh, you don't think I'm gonna come and see the professor

333. without doing my homework.

334. That should make interesting reading to the police.

335. Uh, that's a photostat. You can keep it.

336. You got guts, locksmith.

337. Well, what's your game?

338. Dutch, I see what your organization takes in.

339. I wanna become part of it.

340. Interesting.

341. I might have a job for you.

342. I'm having some trouble with a certain tailor in the neighborhood.

343. Want me to collect from the tailor?

344. No.

345. I want you to kill him.

346. See, it's not that I'm not grateful

347. for the police protection, Captain,

348. it's— it's just that it's a little disruptive.

349. We just want you to be safe, ma'am.

350. That's why we brought the undercover men.

351. - Captain? - Yeah.

352. Lieutenant Drebin just called.

353. They're hitting the old tailor tonight.

354. You see, Captain, I will be just fine for now.

355. Now, couldn't you take your squad away?

356. Okay, let's go.

357. Hey!

358. Hey, what's the idea?

359. There's been a switch.

360. We're hitting the dance teacher tonight.

361. Something wrong, locksmith?

362. Of course not.

363. So, let's go.

364. Lieutenant, what are you doing here?

365. The other policemen just—just left.

366. So, you're a cop.

367. I should've known.

368. That's all right.

369. That's one mistake we can fix real easy.

370. Get over there, sister.

371. All right, Rock, let's kill us two birds with one stone.

372. Jill! Jill!

373. Look out! He's got a knife!

374. Look out! He's got a club!

375. He's got a signed Picasso!

376. Look out! He's got herpes! He's got cold sores.

377. Jill, call the Police Squad.

378. - Hey, Ed. - Frank.

379. Good news.

380. Just picked up Dutch Gunderson. That wraps up his operation.

381. You know, Frank, fear is a terrible thing.

382. Makes people forget their duties as citizens.

383. Yeah. Well, there's one thing for sure.

384. If Gunderson wants to run a protection racket,

385. from now on he's gonna have to do it in the Stateville Prison.

386. Say when, Frank.

387. When.

388. Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting story

389. from the files of Police Squad!