Loiter Squad: Season 1, Episode 3

1. Police Squad! In color.

2. Starring Leslie Nielsen.

3. Also starring Alan North.

4. And Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln.

5. Tonight's special guest star, Robert Goulet.

6. Ready, aim, fire!

7. Ow!

8. Tonight's episode, A Bird in the Hand.

9. Kingsley,

10. mind if I dance with my daughter?

11. Of course not, Mr. Burton.

12. You know, Terri, this song is awfully difficult to dance to.

13. Let's get them to play something else.

14. Fellas, could you play something different?

15. Make a wish.

16. Cake, everyone?

17. Terri.

18. Can I talk to you in private?

19. Of course.

20. Uh, let's go out in the Japanese garden.

21. What is it, Kingsley?

22. I just wanted to ask you,

23. have you made up your mind about marrying me yet?

24. I need more time.

25. But you said you'd give me an answer by tonight.

26. I'm not ready to give you an answer.

27. I love you, Terri.

28. And I love you, too, Kingsley.

29. My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,

30. Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad,

31. a special division of the police department.

32. There had been a recent wave of murders at the city zoo.

33. I was bringing in a suspect

34. when I got a call from headquarters

35. about the kidnapping of Terri Burton.

36. I headed for the Burton mansion.

37. Good evening.

38. Evening.

39. Is this 808 Garboniforus Road?

40. - Maple Street? - Yes, sir, it is.

41. I'm from Police Squad.

42. I'd like to see Captain Hocken.

43. Of course, Lieutenant, uh, Flebner.

44. Uh, Drebin. Do come in.

45. Her name is Terri Burton.

46. Excuse me.

47. Frank, I'm glad you're here.

48. - What do you got, Ed? - Uh, nothing so far.

49. Nobody's seen or heard anything.

50. Is there a ransom note?

51. Yes, the butler found it.

52. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden.

53. I sent the note to the lab.

54. They're demanding $1 million.

55. Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

56. The kidnappers made the demand, Frank.

57. Oh.

58. Uh, if you don't mind, Ed,

59. I'd like to see the scene of the abduction.

60. Sure, right here.

61. The Abduction. Scene one, take three.

62. And I love you, too, Kingsley.

63. Who's the guy?

64. His name's Kingsley Addison, Terri's boyfriend.

65. I sent him home, Frank. He had a nasty bump on the head.

66. Would you like to meet the parents of the kidnapped girl?

67. Of course.

68. Oh, Frank, the pate's exquisite.

69. Excuse me, Mr. And Mrs. Burton,

70. Lieutenant Drebin.

71. - Mr. Drebin. - The feeling is mutual.

72. I know this is trying, but we've got to ask you a few questions.

73. By all means.

74. Could you tell me, did your daughter receive any threats

75. - on her safety recently? - No, she didn't.

76. This whole thing came as a total shock to us.

77. Hello.

78. It's the kidnappers.

79. Please, let me speak to my daughter.

80. All right, relax. Keep calm.

81. Norberg, get a tap to the phone.

82. - Yes, sir. - What'll I do?

83. Keep the kidnapper on the phone

84. so we can trace the call. Go ahead.

85. Where is my daughter? Is she all right?

86. Okay. I understand.

87. No, no, please, don't hang up!

88. Oh, oh, please, don't hurt my daughter.

89. I love her so much.

90. Terri is safe, isn't she?

91. No, don't hang up. Please don't hang up.

92. Oh, is it cold where you are?

93. It's warm here.

94. Oh, uh, who do you think will win the NBA Pacific Division this year?

95. Who do I think? Oh, I go with LA.

96. Oh, they need a little deeper bench,

97. but they have a really strong, solid starting five.

98. No, wait!

99. Well, uh, oh...

100. If a train leaves New York

101. traveling 120 miles an hour

102. and another train leaves Pittsburgh

103. driving 115 miles per hour,

104. what train do you suppose will arrive in Chicago first?

105. That's right.

106. Uh, wait, uh...

107. Why do ducks and geese fly south for the winter?

108. Because it takes too long to walk.

109. Hello?

110. Hello?

111. He hung up.

112. It was a tough question.

113. Norberg, did you get the tap on the phone?

114. Yes,

115. but the kidnapper wasn't on long enough to get a trace.

116. Oh, and Mrs. Burton,

117. what time did the first train leave?

118. Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.

119. Mrs. Burton, what did he say?

120. "Just relax. Everything's going to be all right."

121. No, the kidnapper.

122. He said he'll call us soon with instructions for the money drop

123. and if we don't do what he says, he'll kill Terri.

124. Lieutenant Drebin, what do I do?

125. Well, as I understand it,

126. you're in the textile business.

127. I mean, I don't want the police involved in this.

128. Now, we've all got to work together to capture this kidnapper.

129. I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.

130. No, that'd be giving in to them.

131. These people are emotionally unstable.

132. Had a case like this, similar.

133. The kidnappers cut the victim's ear off and sent it to the family.

134. So you see, you've got to let us help you.

135. Not the whole ear, of course. Just a piece of it.

136. And when this whole thing blows over,

137. we'll return Terri's ear, if she's still alive.

138. - She's taking it hard. - Yeah.

139. We'd better go, Frank.

140. We'll leave Officer Norberg here.

141. If you need anything, just ask him.

142. We'll be in touch.

143. After we go, I want you to nose around.

144. And keep an eye out for the ear.

145. Yes, sir.

146. Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton.

147. If Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it.

148. The next day, I decided to talk

149. with the one witness to the kidnapping, Kingsley Addison.

150. Kingsley played basketball every afternoon

151. at the Shorwood High School playground.

152. I'd talk to him there.

153. - Over here! - Come on!

154. Come on, give it up, give it up, come on!

155. Now, now!

156. - Uh, Kingsley Addison? - Yeah.

157. I'm Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad.

158. What do you want?

159. Well, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

160. About last night?

161. That's right. What happened?

162. Well, I remember Terri was grabbed.

163. - Then I got hit. - Uh-huh.

164. That's all I remember. Honest.

165. Uh-huh.

166. Well, I understand you and Terri were gonna get married.

167. Yeah, I wanted to marry her. She, uh,

168. just hadn't quite made up her mind yet, that's all.

169. Well, it doesn't sound to me

170. like you were very sure Terri was gonna say yes.

171. Terri comes from a large amount of money.

172. Do you think you make enough

173. to keep her in the lifestyle she's accustomed to?

174. Of course. I have a job.

175. Well, I've done a little checking on that.

176. You owe a lot of money to a lot of people.

177. You need more than a job.

178. You think I'd marry Terri for her money?

179. I didn't say that.

180. All right!

181. It was too early to dismiss Kingsley as the primary suspect.

182. He needed money.

183. An earlier check indicated he was often seen socially

184. with Joe Cooke and other members of the Freddy Segal mob.

185. By marrying Terri, he would come into a fortune,

186. cementing his relationship with the elite

187. and forever ensuring a most luxurious lifestyle.

188. I was en route to Police Squad,

189. when I got a call from dispatch.

190. There was a new wrinkle.

191. The kidnapper had contacted the Burton family

192. with some additional information.

193. When I arrived at the Burton mansion,

194. Norberg and my boss were already on the scene.

195. Frank, I'm glad to see you.

196. What do you got, Ed?

197. I want you to give this a listen.

198. This came in the mail.

199. Mommy, Daddy. Please do what he wants.

200. Give him the money. I'm scared! I wanna...

201. That's enough.

202. Further instructions on the size of the ransom

203. and where to deliver it will follow.

204. Oh, my baby.

205. My poor baby.

206. Well, what do you think?

207. Seems to be a little too much wow and flutter from the right speaker.

208. You know, Frank,

209. we don't even have the spot for the ransom drop yet.

210. All right, buddy, talk.

211. Talk!

212. He can't, Frank. Can't you see?

213. - He's a mime. - Huh?

214. All right, what do you got?

215. - What's this? - It's charades, Frank.

216. Oh, great! What's the teams?

217. Five words.

218. - Finger. - First word.

219. Good, Captain.

220. Uh, you're getting on something?

221. - A shirt! - A car.

222. Uh, woman, woman! Woman!

223. Uh, a bust. Sounds like bust. A bus!

224. - Bus! - Of course.

225. You're driving around in the bus.

226. You're going around on the bus. You're looking...

227. You—You— You're going somewhere!

228. To Iowa!

229. You're in the bus and you're...

230. You're parking the bus.

231. It's a song title.

232. Theme from A Summer Place.

233. You're driving around and you're looking for a place,

234. in a... In the...

235. In a bus—bus depot, depot!

236. Uh, a drink?

237. A protein shake! Thirsty.

238. Thirst.

239. Thirst. You're tired.

240. You say it's nighttime. You're going to sleep.

241. You're in bed. Your hand is shaking. Alarm.

242. The alarm is... You're waking up!

243. In a hotel room. No. In a motel room.

244. No, no, I got it! In your aunt's house.

245. You're waking up in the morning. In the morning.

246. Day. Day!

247. - Thirst day. - Thursday.

248. - Thirst day. - Thursday.

249. Thirst... Thursday.

250. Thursday at the bus depot.

251. - At 10:00. - We win!

252. We did it, Captain!

253. Not now, Norberg.

254. We better get our ears to the grindstone.

255. We don't have too much time.

256. Right.

257. The kidnappers finally contacted the Burtons

258. with specific ransom instructions.

259. Our only hope of finding Terri before the deadline

260. was to get some clues from the physical evidence.

261. I decided to return to Police Squad

262. to see what the lab boys had turned up.

263. So you see, Billy,

264. this experiment will prove the Earth's gravity

265. exerts the same pulling force on any object,

266. no matter what size or weight.

267. Gee!

268. Let me show you what I've done.

269. The bowling ball weighs 10 pounds.

270. Your next door neighbor, Dr. Maurice Shoenbaum, weighs 175 pounds.

271. Are you ready, Dr. Shoenbaum?

272. Now, Billy, I'll set this timer

273. to drop the bowling ball and Dr. Shoenbaum in one minute

274. so that we can watch from a safe distance.

275. Oh, hi, Frank.

276. Why don't you run along now, Billy,

277. and next week we'll discuss 10 things you can do with a carrot.

278. Great. Bye, Mr. Olson.

279. What'd you come up with, Ted?

280. I've been analyzing that voice tape of Terri Burton.

281. I've managed to isolate her voice

282. from the noises in the background.

283. Listen.

284. Mommy, Daddy, please do what he wants.

285. Give him the money. I'm scared. I wanna...

286. That's enough.

287. What do you make of it?

288. Of course, I can't be absolutely certain about this,

289. but it sounds like a bell and a foghorn.

290. The kind of sound you'd associate with the ocean.

291. Or the lakefront.

292. Could be.

293. - How's it going, Frank? - Just came from the lab.

294. - They come up with anything? - No, nothing definite.

295. Olson's come up with a couple of clues

296. that might indicate where Terri Burton is being held.

297. He's isolated the sound of a foghorn and a ringing buoy

298. on the ransom tape.

299. We're gonna have to scour the entire waterfront.

300. What about your end?

301. Well, Warner Burton is trying to raise the ransom money.

302. But putting together a million dollars in small bills,

303. that's a mean feat, Frank.

304. Let me tell you something else.

305. The hoodlums who trade in this kind of terror

306. really make my skin crawl.

307. You think you're gonna arrest me, don't you?

308. Well, you're not!

309. 'Cause I got the gun now.

310. And I'm gonna kill all of you,

311. one by one.

312. Nice work, Frank.

313. - What? - Al?

314. I want you to throw a dragnet

315. around the entire lakefront district.

316. Call Tactical, have them send you a few more backup units.

317. Right away, sir.

318. By the way, Al, you're out of uniform again.

319. Regulation headgear only. You know that.

320. Sorry, Captain.

321. You know, Frank,

322. the fate of Terri Burton rests

323. on our finding a foghorn,

324. a ringing buoy and one scared girl.

325. One, two, three...

326. Now, police investigation involves

327. meticulous attention to detail

328. and tireless attention to every clue

329. and the path to which it leads.

330. The sound of a buoy or foghorn on the ransom tape

331. led me to the lakefront, where interviews

332. with several locals proved unsuccessful.

333. We were working against a deadline,

334. and with each passing minute, Terri's destiny became more precarious.

335. I had arrived at Police Squad

336. when Warner Burton arrived.

337. Captain Hocken, Lieutenant Drebin.

338. Did you raise the ransom money?

339. - I have it right here. - Good.

340. I'm getting nervous, Lieutenant.

341. Time is running out for my little girl.

342. I've got to know.

343. Where is she? Where is she?

344. Gesundheit.

345. Everything is fine, Mr. Burton.

346. Here, sit down, sit down.

347. Relax. Coffee?

348. Yes, I know.

349. Well, now, Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area.

350. If your daughter's close, we'll find her.

351. The lakefront! My God!

352. Do you know how big that area is?

353. My daughter's a needle in a haystack!

354. That's not true.

355. I've seen a picture of her. She's very attractive.

356. Maybe a little thin.

357. But don't you worry. We've got everything under control.

358. Mr. Burton, we have men working around the clock

359. trying to locate your daughter.

360. Warner Burton's fears were real.

361. Time was running out for Terri.

362. Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason.

363. We came up empty.

364. Fill her up.

365. - Hey, Ed? - Huh?

366. - You hear that? - What?

367. The ring.

368. Oh, that's just the gas station hose.

369. No, no, no.

370. Sounds like the bell on Terri's tape.

371. You mean, we've been looking in the wrong place?

372. Exactly.

373. Then what's the foghorn?

374. Don't think foghorn.

375. You still got that tape that Norberg gave you for Christmas?

376. Yeah. It's in the glove compartment.

377. That's not a foghorn. That's a tuba.

378. Right.

379. Come on, Ed. We got a job to do.

380. We're gonna have to check every tuba rental,

381. sales and repair shop in town

382. that's close to a filling station.

383. That's gonna be a mighty tall order, Frank.

384. This city is the tuba capital of the world.

385. I know, Ed. It's the only chance we got.

386. - Ed, you find anything? - No, nothing.

387. Frank, we've been through hundreds of these.

388. Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas Are Us...

389. Can you take a phone call, Captain?

390. Not now, Al!

391. International House of Tubas,

392. Tuba or Not Tuba,

393. Tuba Legation.

394. Ah, we've come to a dead end, Frank.

395. I thought sure we'd come up with something by now.

396. You're too hard on yourself, Ed.

397. We've only got an hour to rescue Terri.

398. You'd better check your sources, Frank.

399. Find out what the word on the street is.

400. Frankly, I think that's our only chance.

401. Johnny?

402. Now, I need some information and I need it fast.

403. You mean about this kidnapped girl, Terri Burton?

404. What do you know about tuba stores located near gas stations?

405. Nothing.

406. But they just opened up a new tuba club

407. and that's near a gas station.

408. Where is it?

409. It's called the El Tubadero Club.

410. It's near Fifth and National.

411. Thanks, Johnny.

412. It's my pitching, Johnny.

413. Do you think I need another starter?

414. How should I know?

415. The rigors of a full season

416. on a four man rotation are just too demanding.

417. You need a left-handed swing man

418. to fill your long relief spot.

419. Give him an occasional start

420. and it'll round out your staff nicely.

421. You're talking about a guy like Gossage, aren't you, Johnny?

422. Oh, come on, Tommy, use your head!

423. Gossage is right-handed and besides,

424. he can't throw more than two innings.

425. Here's the names of five southpaws

426. with career ERA's under 2.93.

427. And you wouldn't have been in this mess

428. if you hadn't given up Tommy John.

429. This is the police.

430. Put your gun down and surrender.

431. He's holding the girl hostage.

432. I'm going over there, Frank, and try to get behind him.

433. Cover me.

434. Come down with your hands up.

435. You'll never take me alive.

436. Oh, you wanna play it tough, huh?

437. Well, two can play at that game.

438. All right.

439. Get up!

440. Oh.

441. Oh, thank you! Thank you!

442. You saved my life!

443. It's all right. It's all right now.

444. Thames!

445. Why?

446. Because I needed the money.

447. Frank,

448. the black and white is here.

449. Thank you, Commissioner,

450. but I can't take all the credit.

451. The entire Police Squad was in on this one.

452. Right.

453. Well, Frank, it's been a good day.

454. We got a confession out of old zoo breath.

455. What? Oh.

456. Good.

457. I was just going over the arraignment report.

458. It looks like the butler Thames

459. will be doing his serving from now on up in the Stateville Prison.

460. Along with Martin, Dutch Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker.

461. Frank, when will people learn that crime doesn't pay?

462. Well, I suppose if they do learn,

463. we'll be out of a job.

464. Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting story

465. from the files of Police Squad!