1. Police Squad! In color.Copy !req
2. Starring Leslie Nielsen.Copy !req
3. Also starring Alan North.Copy !req
4. And Rex Hamilton
as Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
5. Tonight's special guest star,
Georg Stanford Brown.Copy !req
6. Tonight's episode,
A Dangerous Assignment.Copy !req
7. Break it up. Come on.Copy !req
8. Okay, kid.Copy !req
9. When we get the high sign
from Martin,Copy !req
10. then you take the dive.Copy !req
11. Four, five,Copy !req
12. six, seven,Copy !req
13. eight, nine,Copy !req
14. ten, you're out!Copy !req
15. Mike,Copy !req
16. I think you made a big mistake.Copy !req
17. Oh, Cooper, you worry too much.Copy !req
18. I'm sorry,
no one's allowed inside.Copy !req
19. No, I'm sorry. It's the
rules, it's the rules.Copy !req
20. No entry.Copy !req
21. Press.Copy !req
22. Oh, okay.Copy !req
23. My name is
Sergeant Frank Drebin,Copy !req
24. Detective Lieutenant,
Police Squad,Copy !req
25. a special division
of the police force.Copy !req
26. I'd just come
from the stockyards.Copy !req
27. We'd gotten reports
that hundreds of cowsCopy !req
28. had been senselessly
slaughtered in the area.Copy !req
29. But I couldn't find
any evidence.Copy !req
30. I stopped off for a hamburgerCopy !req
31. and checked in
with headquarters.Copy !req
32. There'd been
an apparent suicide.Copy !req
33. I went right to the scene.Copy !req
34. My boss was already there.Copy !req
35. - Ed.
- Oh, hi, Frank.Copy !req
36. What's up?Copy !req
37. Uh, guard discovered the body
about an hour ago.Copy !req
38. Somebody went in here
right before it happened,Copy !req
39. but the guard's got bad eyes
and he can't make an ID.Copy !req
40. Uh, we're dusting
for prints now.Copy !req
41. - What happened?
- Kid named Mike Schultz.Copy !req
42. Set up to look like suicide
but I'm not so sure.Copy !req
43. Why would a boxerCopy !req
44. who just scored the
biggest victory of his careerCopy !req
45. go out and commit suicide?Copy !req
46. - Are you thinking murder?
- It could be.Copy !req
47. Anyone with Schultz
after the fight?Copy !req
48. - Just his manager.
- Who's that?Copy !req
49. Some joe named Cooper.Copy !req
50. Who's this Joe Cooper?Copy !req
51. No, no, it's Sol Cooper.Copy !req
52. He manages half the boxers in
town and they're all on the take.Copy !req
53. - Want me to question him?
- No, no, Frank. No.Copy !req
54. We may be dealing with
murder and corruption here.Copy !req
55. I want you to go undercover.Copy !req
56. I knew that Montague
Martin was one of the few criminalsCopy !req
57. who still tampered
with the outcome of fights.Copy !req
58. My plan was to find
a crooked fighterCopy !req
59. and straighten him out.Copy !req
60. Aren't you Buddy Briggs?Copy !req
61. Yeah.Copy !req
62. Too bad you lost
your last three fights.Copy !req
63. So I had some bad luck.
So what?Copy !req
64. Well, maybe you don't have
the right kind of management.Copy !req
65. Don't you think you should
start thinking about that, Buddy?Copy !req
66. - I make a pretty good living.
- Maybe you can make a better one,Copy !req
67. and a cleaner one
and a better one.Copy !req
68. - Where's your manager?
- In the back.Copy !req
69. One of you manage Buddy Briggs?Copy !req
70. Yeah.Copy !req
71. You gotta be Cooper.Copy !req
72. I hear you own a piece of
just about every boxer in town.Copy !req
73. - Yeah, what's it to you?
- I'm a manager.Copy !req
74. I wanna take over
Buddy Briggs' contract.Copy !req
75. What are you,
some kind of wise guy?Copy !req
76. Yeah, I'm a wise guyCopy !req
77. with a lot of long green.Copy !req
78. You manage Lorne Greene?Copy !req
79. I'll trade Buddy
for Lorne Greene.Copy !req
80. No, no.
I mean I got cash.Copy !req
81. You manage Johnny Cash, too?Copy !req
82. Wait a minute.
Who are you?Copy !req
83. Kelly.Copy !req
84. Bob Kelly.Copy !req
85. Mind if I sit in a few hands?Copy !req
86. Your money's good here.Copy !req
87. Goodyear?Copy !req
88. You got the blimp, too?Copy !req
89. It didn't take long
for me to seeCopy !req
90. that the game was as crooked
as Cooper's smile.Copy !req
91. Just you and me, Kelly.Copy !req
92. I raise you $500.Copy !req
93. Well, that's my kind of action.Copy !req
94. Here's your $500.Copy !req
95. One grand more.Copy !req
96. That's a lot of do-re-mi, Kelly.Copy !req
97. I'm outta cash.Copy !req
98. - What about these?
- No dice.Copy !req
99. But there is something else
I'm interested in.Copy !req
100. What's that?Copy !req
101. Buddy Briggs' contract.Copy !req
102. All right, Kelly.Copy !req
103. What do you got?Copy !req
104. Full house. Kings over.Copy !req
105. Not so fast, Kelly.Copy !req
106. A straight beats a full house.Copy !req
107. No it doesn't. A straight
beats three of a kind.Copy !req
108. A full house beats a straight.Copy !req
109. Doesn't a flush beat a straight?Copy !req
110. A straight flush
beats everything.Copy !req
111. Not a royal flush.Copy !req
112. Does a flush beat a full house?Copy !req
113. A regular flush
or a straight flush?Copy !req
114. A flush— A flush
beats a straight.Copy !req
115. I've played a lot of poker.Copy !req
116. A full house beats a straight.Copy !req
117. Maybe so, Kelly.Copy !req
118. But four of us beats one of you.Copy !req
119. All right,
I've got an ace in the hole.Copy !req
120. That makes me the winner.Copy !req
121. Buddy Briggs belongs to me now.Copy !req
122. But just to make it
nice and legal,Copy !req
123. I brought along a
bill of sale. Sign it.Copy !req
124. You. You witness it.Copy !req
125. You, you check
for spelling errors.Copy !req
126. All right, Cooper.
Get that stuff in there.Copy !req
127. How many "L's" in legally?Copy !req
128. You may have a fighter, Kelly,Copy !req
129. but you'll never get a fight.Copy !req
130. We got this town sewn up
tighter than a floozy's skirt.Copy !req
131. We'll see about that, Cooper.Copy !req
132. Well, gentlemen,
it's been a nice afternoon.Copy !req
133. Hope we can do it again
some other time.Copy !req
134. I'm free Wednesdays.Copy !req
135. This guy's more trouble
than he's worth.Copy !req
136. I want him knocked off!Copy !req
137. My plan was working.Copy !req
138. I was now Buddy Briggs' manager.Copy !req
139. But I still had
no way to connectCopy !req
140. Cooper and Martin
with the murder.Copy !req
141. I got a call from Olson.Copy !req
142. The lab had come up
with something.Copy !req
143. So you see, Katie,
when I throw this switch,Copy !req
144. the electrical current
from the power sourceCopy !req
145. is able to continue its
journey to its final destination.Copy !req
146. In our case, the light bulb.Copy !req
147. Gee.Copy !req
148. All set then?Copy !req
149. I guess so, Mr. Olson.Copy !req
150. Here we go.Copy !req
151. Oh. Hi, Frank. Ed.Copy !req
152. Yeah.Copy !req
153. Why don't you run
along now, Katie?Copy !req
154. And next week remember
to bring three thingsCopy !req
155. from your mother's dresser.Copy !req
156. Gee, thanks, Mr. Olson. Bye.Copy !req
157. Anything on
the Mike Schultz case?Copy !req
158. The dead boxer?Copy !req
159. - Well, there weren't many clues.
- Any prints?Copy !req
160. No, but we found some whiskers.Copy !req
161. Oh?Copy !req
162. Take a look in here.Copy !req
163. Facial hair.Copy !req
164. Yep.Copy !req
165. Hair is like fingerprints.Copy !req
166. No two follicles are alike.Copy !req
167. The strand on the left
belongs to Schultz.Copy !req
168. The one on the right
was found near his body.Copy !req
169. So, whoever belongs
to that whisker is our killer.Copy !req
170. - Have you identified him?
- Yes.Copy !req
171. It belongs to him.Copy !req
172. Luca Burnett
was a five-time loserCopy !req
173. who was working
for Montague Martin.Copy !req
174. Now I knew who was responsible
for the murder.Copy !req
175. But I needed someone
who wasn't afraid to talk.Copy !req
176. The next step
was to work on Buddy Briggs.Copy !req
177. Hi, Buddy.Copy !req
178. What are you doing here?Copy !req
179. I'm your new manager.Copy !req
180. Hey, look, buster,Copy !req
181. I don't know who you are
or what you're trying to pull,Copy !req
182. but I work for Cooper.Copy !req
183. Not anymore.Copy !req
184. And you don't go in the tank
anymore either.Copy !req
185. I don't know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
186. All right, Buddy,
play it stupid.Copy !req
187. I don't care.
You hear me?Copy !req
188. I don't wanna end up dead
in some locker room.Copy !req
189. Now get out!Copy !req
190. Mary.Copy !req
191. Mary, why aren't you
at waitress school?Copy !req
192. Mary.Copy !req
193. You've been drinking again,
haven't you?Copy !req
194. You're a bum!Copy !req
195. Mary.Copy !req
196. The only money you've ever
earned is by throwing fights.Copy !req
197. You're not the man I married.Copy !req
198. How can you say that?Copy !req
199. Because here's
the man I married.Copy !req
200. Mary, I love you.Copy !req
201. I'm trying to give you
all the things you never had.Copy !req
202. A decent home, a decent life,
your own synagogue.Copy !req
203. You're never gonna
give me those things,Copy !req
204. and you know why?Copy !req
205. 'Cause you got no guts.Copy !req
206. You're scared of Martin
and Cooper. They own you.Copy !req
207. Nobody owns Buddy Briggs!
Nobody!Copy !req
208. Don't lie to me!Copy !req
209. Every big fight you've ever
been in, you've taken a dive.Copy !req
210. And you know what?
You could've been somebody.Copy !req
211. You could've been a
contender instead of a bum,Copy !req
212. which is what you are.Copy !req
213. Muffin.Copy !req
214. Buddy,Copy !req
215. I'm here to help you.Copy !req
216. Now, do you think
you can beat The Champ?Copy !req
217. - I can take him blindfolded.
- What if he's not blindfolded?Copy !req
218. I can still beat him.Copy !req
219. I believe you.Copy !req
220. That's why I won you
in the poker game.Copy !req
221. You fight on the up-and-up,Copy !req
222. you'll be able to look in
the mirror and see a winner.Copy !req
223. You've been living
in the dumps too long, pal.Copy !req
224. I'm gonna help you and Mary
get out of this sewer.Copy !req
225. Come on.Copy !req
226. All right, Buddy,Copy !req
227. now, you meet me tomorrow
at Maury's Bar on Prospect.Copy !req
228. I'm gonna get you a fight
with The Champ.Copy !req
229. Well, how are you gonna do that?Copy !req
230. You leave that to me.Copy !req
231. Buddy.Copy !req
232. What'll it be?Copy !req
233. Screwdriver.Copy !req
234. Anything to drink?Copy !req
235. No, thank you.Copy !req
236. Hey, Kelly.Copy !req
237. Sure are a lot of
photographers here tonight.Copy !req
238. Yeah, I know.
Is Cooper and Martin here?Copy !req
239. Yeah.Copy !req
240. They're sitting at the table
with a couple of tramps.Copy !req
241. Well,Copy !req
242. I think it's time to go
and meet Mr. Big.Copy !req
243. His name's Mr. Martin.Copy !req
244. Well.Copy !req
245. Hey, Cooper,Copy !req
246. you calling any bluffs lately?Copy !req
247. Well,Copy !req
248. if it isn't Mr. Kelly.Copy !req
249. It's the guy I was
telling you about,Copy !req
250. the guy who manages
Lorne Greene and Johnny Cash.Copy !req
251. Go powder your noses.Copy !req
252. Listen, smart boy,
I own this town.Copy !req
253. You may have a fighter,Copy !req
254. but you're never
gonna get a fight.Copy !req
255. We'll see about that.Copy !req
256. Roses are red, violets are blue,Copy !req
257. sugar is sweet,
I'm gonna break your face.Copy !req
258. Buddy Briggs could break
every bone in your body.Copy !req
259. Yeah, well, he must be
a pretty good boxer.Copy !req
260. Well, how would you know?Copy !req
261. You never won an honest fight
in your life.Copy !req
262. Hey, take it easy.Copy !req
263. Nobody wants to get hurt.
Just cool off.Copy !req
264. Why should I?
The only reason you're champCopy !req
265. is 'cause of guys
lying down or dying.Copy !req
266. Hey, let me buy you
a drink. We'll talk.Copy !req
267. I wouldn't drink with you, you
two-bit, phony excuse for a fighter.Copy !req
268. You're just tired,
you didn't mean it.Copy !req
269. Ah, forget it.Copy !req
270. "Forget it"?Copy !req
271. Nobody says "forget it" to me!Copy !req
272. Sorry, Buddy,
no sax before a fight.Copy !req
273. Are you nervous?Copy !req
274. Yeah, a bit.Copy !req
275. But I know I can take this guy.Copy !req
276. Nothing can stop me tonight.Copy !req
277. What are you doing here, Martin?Copy !req
278. Get outta here.
I've gone straight.Copy !req
279. If you're smart, you'll
go straight to the canvasCopy !req
280. in the 12th.Copy !req
281. Forget it.Copy !req
282. - We've got Mary.
- What?Copy !req
283. - You're bluffing.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
284. Mary's scarf!Copy !req
285. You could have
gotten that anywhere.Copy !req
286. - How about this?
- Mary's purse!Copy !req
287. There are millions
of purses like that.Copy !req
288. How about this?Copy !req
289. Mary's toaster!Copy !req
290. Oh, my God.Copy !req
291. In the 12th, Buddy.Copy !req
292. I can't believe it.Copy !req
293. I trained to win this fight.Copy !req
294. I can win this fight.Copy !req
295. Now I gotta lose.Copy !req
296. Buddy, I'll make a deal with you.Copy !req
297. I'll bring back Mary,Copy !req
298. you beat The Champ.Copy !req
299. I radioed Hocken to get some menCopy !req
300. and meet me at the arena.Copy !req
301. If I wanted to put Martin
and his monkeys behind bars,Copy !req
302. I had to find Mary, and fast.Copy !req
303. Johnny, I need
some information and fast.Copy !req
304. There's a woman in trouble.Copy !req
305. You mean Mary, the boxer's
wife who was just kidnapped?Copy !req
306. Right. You know
anything about it?Copy !req
307. Maybe I do, maybe I don't.Copy !req
308. She's in big trouble.Copy !req
309. She's being held
by Martin's goon, Luca.Copy !req
310. What's a "goonluca"?Copy !req
311. No, Luca Burnett.
Martin's henchman.Copy !req
312. Right.Copy !req
313. Where are they?Copy !req
314. It's a big city.
Could be most anyplace.Copy !req
315. You might wanna try Jim's Gym.Copy !req
316. Thanks, Johnny.
I'll be in touch.Copy !req
317. It's a bypass operation, Johnny.Copy !req
318. So?Copy !req
319. The guy has a history
of sinus bradycardia.Copy !req
320. I wouldn't know
anything about it.Copy !req
321. - You got him on atropine?
- Of course.Copy !req
322. Do a midline thoracotomy,
strip the saphenous vein,Copy !req
323. be careful not to puncture
the myocardium.Copy !req
324. Tonight's main event, 15 roundsCopy !req
325. for the championship
of the world.Copy !req
326. In this corner,
weighing 210 poundsCopy !req
327. in the dark trunks
is the current champion,Copy !req
328. The Champ.Copy !req
329. Jack and Jill went up the hill,Copy !req
330. I'm gonna break your face!Copy !req
331. I'm gonna break your face!Copy !req
332. No! No! No!
No! Help!Copy !req
333. Police Squad!
You're under arrest!Copy !req
334. No way, Ray!Copy !req
335. All right, Luca,
I've got a gun in your ribs.Copy !req
336. I'm not Luca
and those aren't my ribs.Copy !req
337. Eat lead, copper!Copy !req
338. - Mary, you all right?
- Yes.Copy !req
339. So am I.Copy !req
340. - How about now?
- Now?Copy !req
341. Not so good.Copy !req
342. We're about to start
the 12th round.Copy !req
343. And remember, Buddy Briggs
has never gone the distance.Copy !req
344. At this point, I'd say
it could go either way.Copy !req
345. Both men are strong, but tired.Copy !req
346. And one punch could end it
at any moment.Copy !req
347. One, two,Copy !req
348. three...Copy !req
349. Mary, Mary.Copy !req
350. Every big fight
you've ever been inCopy !req
351. you've taken a dive.Copy !req
352. I'll get you
a fight with The ChampCopy !req
353. and then
maybe you'll be a winner.Copy !req
354. There's no place like home.Copy !req
355. There's no place like home.Copy !req
356. Auntie Em!Copy !req
357. And Toto, too!Copy !req
358. - You'll always be a bum!
- Buddy!Copy !req
359. six, seven,Copy !req
360. eight, nine...Copy !req
361. How many fingers do you see?Copy !req
362. Thursday.Copy !req
363. - The winner!
- Yeah, Mary!Copy !req
364. Yeah, Mary!Copy !req
365. Mary! Yeah!Copy !req
366. How do you feel about
the victory, champ?Copy !req
367. Great!Copy !req
368. It's not only a victory for
me, but for all of boxing.Copy !req
369. 'Cause I'd like to tell you
about some cheap crooksCopy !req
370. who are trying to ruin the game.Copy !req
371. Montague Martin!Copy !req
372. Kelly! The name is
Detective Frank DrebinCopy !req
373. and I'm a boxing fan.Copy !req
374. - What the...
- All right, Martin,Copy !req
375. you've fixed your last fight.Copy !req
376. From now on, the boxers in
this town will lose honestly.Copy !req
377. Buddy! Buddy!Copy !req
378. Buddy! Buddy!Copy !req
379. Mary!Copy !req
380. - Hi, Ed.
- Oh, hi, Frank.Copy !req
381. - Excuse me.
- Yep.Copy !req
382. Uh, Drebin here.
Get me Pete Preussing.Copy !req
383. Tell him I'd like the final report
on Martin and Sally Decker.Copy !req
384. Right.Copy !req
385. Looks like we got
a new champ, huh?Copy !req
386. Well,Copy !req
387. looks like I can get back to
reading the sport pages now.Copy !req
388. Speaking of sports pages, I see
they're bringing your friend Martin in now.Copy !req
389. You think you're
a big man, Drebin,Copy !req
390. but I'm telling you,
I'm gonna beat this rap.Copy !req
391. Don't count on that, Martin.Copy !req
392. Looks like you and your
cohorts'll be doing your boxingCopy !req
393. up at the Stateville Prison
from now on.Copy !req
394. Be sure to tune
in next week for another exciting storyCopy !req
395. from the files of Police Squad!Copy !req