Loiter Squad: Season 1, Episode 2

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Thurnis Haley talks balls and soup; Xzibit refuses to pimp date's ride; Po-Po officers take down two homicidal dancers.

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1. Police Squad! In color.

2. Starring Leslie Nielsen.

3. Also starring Alan North.

4. And Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln.

5. Tonight's special guest star, Georg Stanford Brown.

6. Tonight's episode, A Dangerous Assignment.

7. Break it up. Come on.

8. Okay, kid.

9. When we get the high sign from Martin,

10. then you take the dive.

11. Four, five,

12. six, seven,

13. eight, nine,

14. ten, you're out!

15. Mike,

16. I think you made a big mistake.

17. Oh, Cooper, you worry too much.

18. I'm sorry, no one's allowed inside.

19. No, I'm sorry. It's the rules, it's the rules.

20. No entry.

21. Press.

22. Oh, okay.

23. My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,

24. Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad,

25. a special division of the police force.

26. I'd just come from the stockyards.

27. We'd gotten reports that hundreds of cows

28. had been senselessly slaughtered in the area.

29. But I couldn't find any evidence.

30. I stopped off for a hamburger

31. and checked in with headquarters.

32. There'd been an apparent suicide.

33. I went right to the scene.

34. My boss was already there.

35. - Ed. - Oh, hi, Frank.

36. What's up?

37. Uh, guard discovered the body about an hour ago.

38. Somebody went in here right before it happened,

39. but the guard's got bad eyes and he can't make an ID.

40. Uh, we're dusting for prints now.

41. - What happened? - Kid named Mike Schultz.

42. Set up to look like suicide but I'm not so sure.

43. Why would a boxer

44. who just scored the biggest victory of his career

45. go out and commit suicide?

46. - Are you thinking murder? - It could be.

47. Anyone with Schultz after the fight?

48. - Just his manager. - Who's that?

49. Some joe named Cooper.

50. Who's this Joe Cooper?

51. No, no, it's Sol Cooper.

52. He manages half the boxers in town and they're all on the take.

53. - Want me to question him? - No, no, Frank. No.

54. We may be dealing with murder and corruption here.

55. I want you to go undercover.

56. I knew that Montague Martin was one of the few criminals

57. who still tampered with the outcome of fights.

58. My plan was to find a crooked fighter

59. and straighten him out.

60. Aren't you Buddy Briggs?

61. Yeah.

62. Too bad you lost your last three fights.

63. So I had some bad luck. So what?

64. Well, maybe you don't have the right kind of management.

65. Don't you think you should start thinking about that, Buddy?

66. - I make a pretty good living. - Maybe you can make a better one,

67. and a cleaner one and a better one.

68. - Where's your manager? - In the back.

69. One of you manage Buddy Briggs?

70. Yeah.

71. You gotta be Cooper.

72. I hear you own a piece of just about every boxer in town.

73. - Yeah, what's it to you? - I'm a manager.

74. I wanna take over Buddy Briggs' contract.

75. What are you, some kind of wise guy?

76. Yeah, I'm a wise guy

77. with a lot of long green.

78. You manage Lorne Greene?

79. I'll trade Buddy for Lorne Greene.

80. No, no. I mean I got cash.

81. You manage Johnny Cash, too?

82. Wait a minute. Who are you?

83. Kelly.

84. Bob Kelly.

85. Mind if I sit in a few hands?

86. Your money's good here.

87. Goodyear?

88. You got the blimp, too?

89. It didn't take long for me to see

90. that the game was as crooked as Cooper's smile.

91. Just you and me, Kelly.

92. I raise you $500.

93. Well, that's my kind of action.

94. Here's your $500.

95. One grand more.

96. That's a lot of do-re-mi, Kelly.

97. I'm outta cash.

98. - What about these? - No dice.

99. But there is something else I'm interested in.

100. What's that?

101. Buddy Briggs' contract.

102. All right, Kelly.

103. What do you got?

104. Full house. Kings over.

105. Not so fast, Kelly.

106. A straight beats a full house.

107. No it doesn't. A straight beats three of a kind.

108. A full house beats a straight.

109. Doesn't a flush beat a straight?

110. A straight flush beats everything.

111. Not a royal flush.

112. Does a flush beat a full house?

113. A regular flush or a straight flush?

114. A flush— A flush beats a straight.

115. I've played a lot of poker.

116. A full house beats a straight.

117. Maybe so, Kelly.

118. But four of us beats one of you.

119. All right, I've got an ace in the hole.

120. That makes me the winner.

121. Buddy Briggs belongs to me now.

122. But just to make it nice and legal,

123. I brought along a bill of sale. Sign it.

124. You. You witness it.

125. You, you check for spelling errors.

126. All right, Cooper. Get that stuff in there.

127. How many "L's" in legally?

128. You may have a fighter, Kelly,

129. but you'll never get a fight.

130. We got this town sewn up tighter than a floozy's skirt.

131. We'll see about that, Cooper.

132. Well, gentlemen, it's been a nice afternoon.

133. Hope we can do it again some other time.

134. I'm free Wednesdays.

135. This guy's more trouble than he's worth.

136. I want him knocked off!

137. My plan was working.

138. I was now Buddy Briggs' manager.

139. But I still had no way to connect

140. Cooper and Martin with the murder.

141. I got a call from Olson.

142. The lab had come up with something.

143. So you see, Katie, when I throw this switch,

144. the electrical current from the power source

145. is able to continue its journey to its final destination.

146. In our case, the light bulb.

147. Gee.

148. All set then?

149. I guess so, Mr. Olson.

150. Here we go.

151. Oh. Hi, Frank. Ed.

152. Yeah.

153. Why don't you run along now, Katie?

154. And next week remember to bring three things

155. from your mother's dresser.

156. Gee, thanks, Mr. Olson. Bye.

157. Anything on the Mike Schultz case?

158. The dead boxer?

159. - Well, there weren't many clues. - Any prints?

160. No, but we found some whiskers.

161. Oh?

162. Take a look in here.

163. Facial hair.

164. Yep.

165. Hair is like fingerprints.

166. No two follicles are alike.

167. The strand on the left belongs to Schultz.

168. The one on the right was found near his body.

169. So, whoever belongs to that whisker is our killer.

170. - Have you identified him? - Yes.

171. It belongs to him.

172. Luca Burnett was a five-time loser

173. who was working for Montague Martin.

174. Now I knew who was responsible for the murder.

175. But I needed someone who wasn't afraid to talk.

176. The next step was to work on Buddy Briggs.

177. Hi, Buddy.

178. What are you doing here?

179. I'm your new manager.

180. Hey, look, buster,

181. I don't know who you are or what you're trying to pull,

182. but I work for Cooper.

183. Not anymore.

184. And you don't go in the tank anymore either.

185. I don't know what you're talking about.

186. All right, Buddy, play it stupid.

187. I don't care. You hear me?

188. I don't wanna end up dead in some locker room.

189. Now get out!

190. Mary.

191. Mary, why aren't you at waitress school?

192. Mary.

193. You've been drinking again, haven't you?

194. You're a bum!

195. Mary.

196. The only money you've ever earned is by throwing fights.

197. You're not the man I married.

198. How can you say that?

199. Because here's the man I married.

200. Mary, I love you.

201. I'm trying to give you all the things you never had.

202. A decent home, a decent life, your own synagogue.

203. You're never gonna give me those things,

204. and you know why?

205. 'Cause you got no guts.

206. You're scared of Martin and Cooper. They own you.

207. Nobody owns Buddy Briggs! Nobody!

208. Don't lie to me!

209. Every big fight you've ever been in, you've taken a dive.

210. And you know what? You could've been somebody.

211. You could've been a contender instead of a bum,

212. which is what you are.

213. Muffin.

214. Buddy,

215. I'm here to help you.

216. Now, do you think you can beat The Champ?

217. - I can take him blindfolded. - What if he's not blindfolded?

218. I can still beat him.

219. I believe you.

220. That's why I won you in the poker game.

221. You fight on the up-and-up,

222. you'll be able to look in the mirror and see a winner.

223. You've been living in the dumps too long, pal.

224. I'm gonna help you and Mary get out of this sewer.

225. Come on.

226. All right, Buddy,

227. now, you meet me tomorrow at Maury's Bar on Prospect.

228. I'm gonna get you a fight with The Champ.

229. Well, how are you gonna do that?

230. You leave that to me.

231. Buddy.

232. What'll it be?

233. Screwdriver.

234. Anything to drink?

235. No, thank you.

236. Hey, Kelly.

237. Sure are a lot of photographers here tonight.

238. Yeah, I know. Is Cooper and Martin here?

239. Yeah.

240. They're sitting at the table with a couple of tramps.

241. Well,

242. I think it's time to go and meet Mr. Big.

243. His name's Mr. Martin.

244. Well.

245. Hey, Cooper,

246. you calling any bluffs lately?

247. Well,

248. if it isn't Mr. Kelly.

249. It's the guy I was telling you about,

250. the guy who manages Lorne Greene and Johnny Cash.

251. Go powder your noses.

252. Listen, smart boy, I own this town.

253. You may have a fighter,

254. but you're never gonna get a fight.

255. We'll see about that.

256. Roses are red, violets are blue,

257. sugar is sweet, I'm gonna break your face.

258. Buddy Briggs could break every bone in your body.

259. Yeah, well, he must be a pretty good boxer.

260. Well, how would you know?

261. You never won an honest fight in your life.

262. Hey, take it easy.

263. Nobody wants to get hurt. Just cool off.

264. Why should I? The only reason you're champ

265. is 'cause of guys lying down or dying.

266. Hey, let me buy you a drink. We'll talk.

267. I wouldn't drink with you, you two-bit, phony excuse for a fighter.

268. You're just tired, you didn't mean it.

269. Ah, forget it.

270. "Forget it"?

271. Nobody says "forget it" to me!

272. Sorry, Buddy, no sax before a fight.

273. Are you nervous?

274. Yeah, a bit.

275. But I know I can take this guy.

276. Nothing can stop me tonight.

277. What are you doing here, Martin?

278. Get outta here. I've gone straight.

279. If you're smart, you'll go straight to the canvas

280. in the 12th.

281. Forget it.

282. - We've got Mary. - What?

283. - You're bluffing. - Oh, yeah?

284. Mary's scarf!

285. You could have gotten that anywhere.

286. - How about this? - Mary's purse!

287. There are millions of purses like that.

288. How about this?

289. Mary's toaster!

290. Oh, my God.

291. In the 12th, Buddy.

292. I can't believe it.

293. I trained to win this fight.

294. I can win this fight.

295. Now I gotta lose.

296. Buddy, I'll make a deal with you.

297. I'll bring back Mary,

298. you beat The Champ.

299. I radioed Hocken to get some men

300. and meet me at the arena.

301. If I wanted to put Martin and his monkeys behind bars,

302. I had to find Mary, and fast.

303. Johnny, I need some information and fast.

304. There's a woman in trouble.

305. You mean Mary, the boxer's wife who was just kidnapped?

306. Right. You know anything about it?

307. Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

308. She's in big trouble.

309. She's being held by Martin's goon, Luca.

310. What's a "goonluca"?

311. No, Luca Burnett. Martin's henchman.

312. Right.

313. Where are they?

314. It's a big city. Could be most anyplace.

315. You might wanna try Jim's Gym.

316. Thanks, Johnny. I'll be in touch.

317. It's a bypass operation, Johnny.

318. So?

319. The guy has a history of sinus bradycardia.

320. I wouldn't know anything about it.

321. - You got him on atropine? - Of course.

322. Do a midline thoracotomy, strip the saphenous vein,

323. be careful not to puncture the myocardium.

324. Tonight's main event, 15 rounds

325. for the championship of the world.

326. In this corner, weighing 210 pounds

327. in the dark trunks is the current champion,

328. The Champ.

329. Jack and Jill went up the hill,

330. I'm gonna break your face!

331. I'm gonna break your face!

332. No! No! No! No! Help!

333. Police Squad! You're under arrest!

334. No way, Ray!

335. All right, Luca, I've got a gun in your ribs.

336. I'm not Luca and those aren't my ribs.

337. Eat lead, copper!

338. - Mary, you all right? - Yes.

339. So am I.

340. - How about now? - Now?

341. Not so good.

342. We're about to start the 12th round.

343. And remember, Buddy Briggs has never gone the distance.

344. At this point, I'd say it could go either way.

345. Both men are strong, but tired.

346. And one punch could end it at any moment.

347. One, two,

348. three...

349. Mary, Mary.

350. Every big fight you've ever been in

351. you've taken a dive.

352. I'll get you a fight with The Champ

353. and then maybe you'll be a winner.

354. There's no place like home.

355. There's no place like home.

356. Auntie Em!

357. And Toto, too!

358. - You'll always be a bum! - Buddy!

359. six, seven,

360. eight, nine...

361. How many fingers do you see?

362. Thursday.

363. - The winner! - Yeah, Mary!

364. Yeah, Mary!

365. Mary! Yeah!

366. How do you feel about the victory, champ?

367. Great!

368. It's not only a victory for me, but for all of boxing.

369. 'Cause I'd like to tell you about some cheap crooks

370. who are trying to ruin the game.

371. Montague Martin!

372. Kelly! The name is Detective Frank Drebin

373. and I'm a boxing fan.

374. - What the... - All right, Martin,

375. you've fixed your last fight.

376. From now on, the boxers in this town will lose honestly.

377. Buddy! Buddy!

378. Buddy! Buddy!

379. Mary!

380. - Hi, Ed. - Oh, hi, Frank.

381. - Excuse me. - Yep.

382. Uh, Drebin here. Get me Pete Preussing.

383. Tell him I'd like the final report on Martin and Sally Decker.

384. Right.

385. Looks like we got a new champ, huh?

386. Well,

387. looks like I can get back to reading the sport pages now.

388. Speaking of sports pages, I see they're bringing your friend Martin in now.

389. You think you're a big man, Drebin,

390. but I'm telling you, I'm gonna beat this rap.

391. Don't count on that, Martin.

392. Looks like you and your cohorts'll be doing your boxing

393. up at the Stateville Prison from now on.

394. Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting story

395. from the files of Police Squad!