Limmy's Show! 3x6

1. Welcome to Limmy's Show!

2. Look at that.

3. It's one of they exhaust pipes for a tumble dryer.

4. He's had that outside his door for six months.

5. No joke, six months. Never uses it.

6. It hasn't budged an inch.

7. Somebody stays there. Somebody does stay there.

8. He's in and out every day, and he steps over it!

9. Instead of just picking it up and putting it in the bin,

10. he steps over it.

11. I've seen him.

12. Listen to me, I'm meant to be entertaining you,

13. and I'm going on about some stupid

14. tumble dryer exhaust pipe.

15. I'm not going to let it bother me.

16. You just enjoy the show.

17. Bleurgh!

18. Here. How good would this be, eh?

19. You're watching Adventure Call.

20. My name is Falconhoof, and I will be your guide

21. on your quest.

22. But tonight's quest will not feature one traveller,

23. but two,

24. as we team up two callers selected at random.

25. Wizard, please select our first traveller.

26. - Greetings, Raj.

27. All right, Falconhoof?

28. Are you ready to meet your partner?

29. My what?

30. Are you ready to meet your travelling companion?

31. Aye. I'm not into this, by the way.

32. I never knew this was gonna happen.

33. I just wanted to do it myself.

34. I mentioned it on last night's Adventure Call.

35. Well, it's happening now, so... go.

36. Very well.

37. Wizard, please select our second traveller.

38. - Greetings, McFee.

39. All right?

40. Travellers, you may greet each other.

41. Let us begin.

42. You awake in a cellar.

43. McFee, you are chained and padlocked to the floor.

44. What

45. What you laughing at? Shut it.

46. Travellers, please, let me continue.

47. McFee, beside you is a key,

48. but it does not fit your padlock.

49. Raj, you are at the other side of the cellar.

50. You are also chained and padlocked.

51. Shut it. You shut it.

52. - I'll shut you. -I'll shut you.

53. Beside you is also a key, but it does not fit your padlock.

54. Travellers, what would you like to do?

55. - Chuck us your key. -Chuck us your key.

56. - Chuck us yours first. -Aye, right.

57. - You're a wee fanny. -You're the fanny.

58. - You're a fanny. -No, you're a fanny.

59. If you can't decide, you will remain in the cellar.

60. Hold on, just clocked your picture.

61. Are you Raj from South Nitshill?'

62. Aye.

63. - You're a grass. -I'm not a grass.

64. You're a grass. Falconhoof, he's a grass.

65. I don't think this is the—

66. Are you McFee from Carnwadric?

67. You've heard of me, aye?'

68. Heard of your sister.

69. What's that meant to mean?

70. Please, travellers. You are both locked in a cellar.

71. Who will throw their key first?

72. Who will be the bigger man?

73. I'll do it. No, I'll do it.

74. - I'll do it. -I said it first.

75. - Throw key to McFee. -You throw your key to McFee.

76. Right, chuck us yours.

77. Use key on padlock.

78. What are you doing? Chuck us the key.

79. All in good time. Falconhoof, use key on

80. padlock.

81. Very well. McFee, you unlock your padlock.

82. Right,

83. chuck us the key.

84. Exit cellar. What are you doing?

85. McFee, if you exit the cellar, Raj will be left to

86. perish.

87. Perish! Leave Raj the Grass to perish.

88. Your sister's a cow.

89. - Travellers—

90. Your sister's a cow. McFee's sister's a cow.

91. Where are you

92. Are you squaring up to us, aye?

93. Priesthill & Darnley Station in an hour.

94. You are supposed to be a team.

95. Aye, bring a team. -No, I didn't mean—

96. I'll bring a team. South Nitsy Young Team,

97. you fucking—

98. Young Toon Tongs, you fu—

99. Let's take another call.

100. Karma.

101. You send good things out...

102. you get good things back.

103. Lot of shite.

104. Because bad things are gonna happen anyway.

105. And if you've been good,

106. well, you're gonna feel that life is so unfair.

107. So unfair.

108. So, you may as well be bad.

109. That way, if something bad does happen, you'll feel,

110. "Ach, fair enough."

111. What's that?

112. Somebody's scratched our motor?

113. Ach...

114. I've noticed you can get anything you want in

115. life, just with a smile.

116. Can I have a lick of your ice cream?

117. No.

118. Here, just take it.

119. See?

120. Anything you want in life, just with a smile.

121. Please don't hurt me.

122. Told you!

123. All you need to do is smile.

124. Gonna give us your truncheon?

125. What?

126. What happened?

127. Hey! You all right?

128. All right? Long time no see.

129. - We used to work together. -Oh, hiya.

130. Aye, good. Yourself?

131. Good. You just in for a wee spot of shopping, aye?

132. - Aye.

133. "Are you just in for a spot of shopping?"

134. What?

135. You see, the thing is, I don't really know the guy.

136. He doesn't really know me.

137. Aye, we worked together,

138. but it was a big office, we barely spoke,

139. but we've not seen each other for years,

140. we thought we'd be polite and stop and chat.

141. We made a mistake.

142. Now one of us is going to have to say goodbye.

143. Looks like it's going to have to be me.

144. "Are you just in for a spot of shopping?"

145. What?

146. Who cares where he works? I have to pretend

147. I'm interested,

148. he knows that I'm not, otherwise I'd have asked.

149. She asked the question, she can deal with it.

150. I do illustrations for the Institute of Civil Engineers.

151. I'm freelance, really, but they —

152. - Well, it's engineering—

153. - Sorry, I need to take this.

154. - Civil engineering, it's—

155. Oh, no. I don't care. I wasn't even listening.

156. It deals with the construction of bridges.

157. - Och, that's not really— -I know what it is.

158. So, what about yourself

159. Keep it short and sweet and let's just get out of here.

160. Och, just the usual.

161. Perfect! So, what is it you do

162. yourself?

163. What am I doing? I don't even know her!

164. I might as well ask passers-by,

165. "Excuse me, what is it you do?"

166. I don't even know her!

167. - Sorry about that. -It's cool. That's us away—

168. So, you were saying...?

169. Oh, aye. Civil engineering.

170. Och, here, you know what I should have done?

171. - Aye.

172. What do you fancy for dinner tonight?

173. I tell you what. I could murder a steak.

174. What's that

175. Eee! I could fuck a duck.

176. Who's this guy? I don't know.

177. Sometimes two people happen to be walking down the same

178. street at the same time.

179. Sometimes they both decide to speed up...

180. sometimes they both decide to slow down.

181. Sometimes they both decide to stop

182. and pretend to tie their lace.

183. Sometimes they both take a right...

184. sometimes they take a left.

185. Sometimes they turn around...

186. and turn around again.

187. And stop. And go.

188. And stop.

189. And go. And stop.

190. And go... into a shop.

191. Sometimes they both decide to buy the exact same thing...

192. and another...

193. and another...

194. before both deciding to just leave it after all.

195. Sometimes two people do the exact same thing

196. at the exact same time.

197. But me

198. I'm just trying to freak the guy out.

199. Fucking...

200. I was in the shops for milk,

201. and I saw the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life.

202. A toothbrush.

203. It was red, shiny.

204. The size of it! I couldn't get my head around it.

205. Never seen the likes of it, man.

206. I thought, "Dee Dee, you've got your milk.

207. Move on. There's nothing to see here."

208. Sold.

209. The second I get outside, the gloom hits me.

210. I was like that, "Dee Dee, what have you done?

211. You'll be on cornflakes and water

212. for the rest of the week, and for this?

213. What did you get it for?"

214. And I thought, "I don't know."

215. So I start showing it off,

216. trying to get some of that buzz back.

217. Here. Check that out, eh?

218. No.

219. Here.

220. That's mental, isn't it?

221. No.

222. Here.

223. Call that a toothbrush?

224. That's a toothbrush.

225. No takers.

226. So I tried to put it to good use, to help people,

227. make a difference.

228. Freshen up for the meeting, sir

229. No.

230. Have a nice day at school, OK?

231. Och, here, what's this?

232. This wee bit's always sticking up, Finn, isn't it?

233. - Try and get that down— -Here. Try this.

234. No.

235. Here.

236. That'll sort it.

237. No use.

238. Couldn't even give it away. No use to man nor beast.

239. The most useless, pointless,

240. daftest looking thing on the planet.

241. What did you get it for?

242. Then I realised why.

243. To take it home, where it belongs.

244. The most useless, pointless,

245. daftest thing on the planet...

246. and his toothbrush.

247. It's funny. Look at the way it's curved.

248. It's kind of like a question mark, isn't it?

249. And the question is, why?

250. Why does he not just put it in the bin?

251. The question is, how?

252. How does he not just put it in the bin?

253. The question is, when?

254. When's he gonna put that in the bin?

255. The question is, where?

256. What do you mean, "where"? Right there.

257. The same place it's been for six months.

258. The question is...

259. - Erm...

260. - No.

261. How you doing

262. - Aye. Brian. -Graham.

263. What can I get you, Graham?

264. Same for me, Mary.

265. - Same for me, please.

266. - Roll and bacon, Mary.

267. - Same, Mary.

268. - Same for me, please... Mary.

269. - Roll and bacon, Mary.

270. - Same for me, Mary.

271. - Aye, same for me, Mary.

272. You're the new lassie, aren't you?

273. - Aye. Elaine. -I'm Brian.

274. My name's Brian.

275. - Roll and bacon, Mary.

276. - The same, Mary.

277. You?

278. You know, Brian, Mary. Roll and bacon for me.

279. - Same for me, please, Mary.

280. You're the new guy, aren't you?

281. - Aye. -I'm Brian.

282. - Oh, same here!

283. - Roll and bacon, Mary.

284. - Same for me, Mary.

285. - Same for me, Mary.

286. - Same.

287. - Yeah, fly out on Monday.

288. - Yes, not coming back.

289. Same job, double the money. Australia!

290. Lucky, lucky bastard.

291. - Yeah, nothing for me here—

292. Brian?

293. Can I have a... roll and bacon, please, Mary?

294. - All right.

295. Were you out clubbing last night, aye?

296. Aye.

297. Bet you wish you were back in your bed, eh?

298. Aye. Aye, see you later.

299. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

300. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

301. Don't look. Don't...

302. Yeah.

303. Hello. My name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.

304. OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

305. Can so... Oh!

306. Can someone understand... Oh! There it is again!

307. I'm hearing this sound of a... What are they called?

308. It's like a big cymbal that you hit like that.

309. Kind of looks like a big metal biscuit.

310. - A gong. -A gong, that's it, a gong.

311. I'm hearing the sound of a gong.

312. So, I'm looking for someone

313. who travelled recently to the Orient, or...

314. You, my angel?

315. Yeah, I travelled around Japan last year, last summer.

316. It's a beautiful part of the world, isn't it?

317. - Yeah. -Oh, I'd love to go,

318. but I've seen the pictures.

319. They have those beautiful temples, don't they?

320. - Yeah.

321. And they have those statues of...

322. Scary-looking statues like ogres or gargoyles.

323. Funny looking things, aren't they?

324. Yeah, some of them.

325. Did you have a wee chuckle at them?

326. - I did. -That was the wrong answer.

327. Ooh!

328. Because, you see, I have here a demon.

329. You've offended a demon, you've brought back a demon.

330. Can everyone just move away, please?

331. That's it, as quick as you can. He has a demon.

332. OK, so you have a demon.

333. It's not like The Exorcist. I cannot cure you,

334. but I can alleviate your suffering before you

335. pass away, OK?

336. OK.

337. There's three things I want you to do.

338. The first thing is try not to be happy,

339. because he'll feed on that.

340. Who were you hoping to make contact with today?

341. My older brother. He passed away when he was ten.

342. Do you have good memories of him?

343. Yeah.

344. Forget them, because they're just going to

345. nourish the demon.

346. Every time you have a happy thought,

347. it'll be like taking the demon to Greggs.

348. Do you understand this?

349. Second thing, do you have a good support network?

350. Friends, family, that make you feel better

351. when you get down?

352. Yeah, I'm really lucky.

353. Get rid of them. Yeah?

354. Cos they'll end up making you happy.

355. They might anger him.

356. He might even jump into one of them.

357. Are you ever around children?

358. I don't have any kids of my own,

359. but I sometimes look after my niece.

360. Your niece?

361. - Yeah.

362. By the time he's finished with your niece,

363. your niece will make her from The Exorcist

364. look like Shirley Temple.

365. - So tell them, "Get lost."

366. Thirdly, I want you to see me after the show,

367. because we're going to set you up with some aftercare.

368. I want you to come along to my centre, week after week,

369. month after month, however long it takes,

370. and that will be absolutely free...

371. for the first session.

372. - OK, we'll leave it there.

373. Hold on. What was your older brother's name?

374. I have him here.

375. But it's not a good idea. Why?

376. Because it'll make me happy. It would only make you happy.

377. Eee!

378. Fuck a duck!

379. What the...? Hey! Hey!

380. Who was looking in my cubicle?

381. Nobody. But these guys...

382. they saw everything.

383. Oosh!

384. Oosh, oosh, oosh!

385. Dumbbell dance.

386. Dumbbell dance.

387. Dumbbell dance, dumbbell dance,

388. do the dumbbell dance.

389. Dumbbell dance, do the dumbbell, dumbbell,

390. dumbbell dance.

391. Do the dumbbell dance. Dumbbell dance.

392. Do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.

393. Do the dumbbell dance. Oosh! Dumbbell dance. Dumbbell

394. dance. Oosh! Oosh!

395. Do the dumbbell dance.

396. Do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.

397. Go! Go! Go!

398. Aargh!

399. Argh!

400. There we are!

401. There we are!

402. He was the man of my dreams.

403. Or so I thought.

404. Met him at the group therapy.

405. Whisked me off my feet. Stole my heart.

406. I thought he was the one.

407. We'd walk and talk and... I don't know.

408. He just made me feel cracking inside, know?

409. But like all men, you give them a stitch,

410. and they take nine.

411. Get out my fucking house!

412. A liar. Gave the therapy a swerve for a while.

413. Couldn't bear to look at him.

414. Until I thought, "Jacqueline, the guy's had a relapse.

415. He'll explain."

416. But when I went back, not a word.

417. that's me 18 months and counting. Clean.

418. Not a word of truth.

419. Jacqueline, we haven't seen you for a while, so

420. you don't know.

421. We're having a karaoke tonight.

422. Are you going to join us?

423. - Of course. -Good.

424. So, how have you been?

425. Good. Good. Just working away.

426. My daughter's well. I'm keeping clean—

427. Aye, good. Ups and downs, obviously,

428. but at least I'm not back on the smack, eh?

429. Look, Darren, please.

430. Jacqueline, is there anything you want to tell us?

431. No.

432. What the fuck's going on here?

433. While you were away,

434. Darren told us what happened.

435. - Your relapse.

436. Aye. What, mine?

437. Jacqueline, I'm sure it's a misunderstanding.

438. Misunderstanding? Well, understand this...

439. it isn't!

440. Sat in front of the mirror that night,

441. taking a good look at myself.

442. Check the state of you, Jacqueline.

443. You're sitting in here, bubbling like a wean,

444. and they're out there at that karaoke, having a laugh.

445. Laughing at you. Are you taking that?

446. Am I fuck!

447. Sing, Jacqueline.

448. Keep your head held high, fill your lungs and sing!

449. Jacqueline!

450. I didn't break his heart, he broke mine! You all did!

451. You broke my heart! You broke my soul!

452. And I broke every bone in my body.

453. Out the game.

454. When I woke up,

455. staring down at me was the face of an angel.

456. I thought I'd died and went to heaven.

457. For the next six weeks, that's what it was, heaven.

458. Being nursed back to health by my private guardian angel.

459. Feeding me, cleaning me,

460. scratching my arse.

461. But it was more than that.

462. He made me feel better on the inside.

463. He taught me to let my guard down, open up.

464. So that's what I did.

465. Spilled my guts, confessed my sins,

466. told him every bad thing about me.

467. But every time I did,

468. he told me two things about me that were good.

469. Couldn't wait to get out of that stookie

470. and fling my arms around him.

471. I was sick of being wrapped up in white like a mummy.

472. But that didn't stop me doing it one more time.

473. The man of my dreams. My guardian angel.

474. The best thing that ever happened to me.

475. Aye, and don't he know it?

476. No, that's it. I'm saying something.

477. I'm saying something.

478. Can I ask you something?

479. Are you happy with how the close is?

480. In what way?

481. Well, do you think it could be, like,

482. maybe be, like, tidier or something?

483. Aye, I suppose so.

484. I'm sick of seeing that bike on the landing every morning.

485. Aye, no bother.

486. Well, wait... Well, if I'm gonna do that, could you...

487. just let us know if I do it again?

488. Aye, no bother.

489. Thanks for that.