Limmy's Show! 3x5

Directed by

5/6. TV psychic Raymond Day hosts another edition of Paraside, but this time a spirit is not all it seems, while fearless 1950s drug experimenter Larry Forsyth once again joins Dr Stuart to record his experiences of taking Pandaemonium. Plus, Limmy's addiction to gaming gets in the way of the show, two creepy puppets cause havoc in an office and a man grabs his beloved jacket and heads to the park to make the most of a windy day.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Welcome to Limmy's Show.

2. Oh, f...

3. Hello, my name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.

4. OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

5. Could someone understand, please,

6. I have here in spirit

7. someone who has come through for a loved one

8. who has been trying to make contact desperately,

9. for a long, long time.

10. We've been trying to get in touch with our wee sister

11. for quite a while now.

12. It's maybe sister, OK.

13. Well, can you understand then

14. why she's telling me about a wall, or a fence?

15. Well, I painted the garden fence a few months ago.

16. That's it, because she's telling me,

17. "Oh, I hate that colour!"

18. It's her. It's sister. It's baby sister.

19. She's come through.

20. Aw!

21. And she's telling me now just how hard it's been,

22. because you've never had the chance to say goodbye.

23. And since then you have been to every psychic,

24. every medium, every clairvoyant in town.

25. Is she trying to make me jealous?

26. No, she's saying you have been around the block

27. with no luck,

28. just trying to find out that she's all right,

29. to let her know that your thoughts are with her,

30. and to say goodbye.

31. Oh.

32. Oh, no. That's not nice.

33. Ooh!

34. It's not her!

35. We have ourselves an impostor!

36. Someone's having us on!

37. - He's saying... It's a man!

38. - I thought she looked like a man. I didn't want to say.

39. He's saying, "Ha-ha-ha!

40. You thought I was your sister!

41. You thought I was your daft wee sister!"

42. Oh, he is terrible!

43. He's saying, "You will never get to say goodbye.

44. You will never make contact,

45. because every time you do,

46. she's been asking me, 'Have they been in touch?'

47. and I've been telling her, 'No. Some family

48. you've got!'"

49. Oh, he has got a mean streak!

50. - Oh, and that's him away.

51. Och, I'm going to kill him!

52. - If he wasnae dead already, I'd kill him!

53. I'll leave her love with you. Oh, well, I won't, sorry.

54. - Bye for now.

55. Well, we've had a look at your CV.

56. If you can call it that.

57. There are some details missing.

58. I mean, you've worked for some great companies,

59. fantastic references,

60. but you haven't given us details

61. of what you did there.

62. And you haven't even put your name.

63. But we'll come to that later.

64. So, let's just start with, why do you want the job?

65. I tell you what...

66. we'll take you on.

67. What?

68. On a trial basis, for a year.

69. See how we get on, OK?

70. Bye for now.

71. What the hell did you do that for?

72. Tom, you didn't have that thing looking at you.

73. What is it you say again?

74. What is it you say again?

75. "Hi, I've come for a haircut."

76. "Hi, I'm here for a haircut. I've come for a haircut!"

77. It's a hairdresser's! What else are you there for?

78. "All right"

79. "Just take a..."

80. "Just take a seat, aye"

81. "Well, because I've come for a haircut."

82. "Of course you've come for a haircut!" No.

83. "Three guesses what I'm here for!"

84. Oh, no!

85. Hiya.

86. - What do you think

87. I'm here for?

88. OK, just take a seat.

89. And...

90. Stop! Stop the music!

91. Limmy! Where are you?

92. I'm in here.

93. - Erm, no.

94. - No, I'm not feeling well.

95. I feel a wee bit sick.

96. Got my head down the toilet here. Just give us a minute.

97. OK, sorry.

98. Oh, come on!

99. Thank you for joining us.

100. My name is Larry Forsyth, and with me is Dr Stuart.

101. This week, Dr Stuart will be administering me with

102. Pand monium,

103. a drug that became popular amongst artists

104. in the 19th Century,

105. due to its ability to produce vivid, dreamlike visions.

106. An hour and a half later,

107. I was beginning to feel

108. definite effects.

109. Could you describe what it is you're seeing?

110. Larry?

111. Larry, are you all right?

112. Larry, do you think that you could come out,

113. so that we can continue the experiment?

114. At this point in the experiment,

115. I had to be subdued.

116. Excuse me, sir,

117. can I have a look inside your suitcase, please?

118. Shit!

119. If you do a crime, but you cannae do the time,

120. try some mime!

121. I'm quite shite, though.

122. So...

123. how are you coping?

124. Not too good.

125. I can understand that. I mean, your...

126. your dad was a decent guy, mate.

127. - Aye. -When I heard the news,

128. I thought I'd nip round to see how you were doing.

129. Listen, I'm expecting a phone call

130. frae a client in a minute.

131. Do you mind if I take it?

132. - Erm... -Och, no.

133. No, I'm sorry. Forget it.

134. Ta.

135. So, what happened?

136. The last time I spoke to you, you were saying

137. that your old man

138. was just going into hospital for an operation on his leg,

139. but something went wrong.

140. What... What happened?

141. Well, he'd went in for the operation,

142. they gave him a blood transfusion.

143. I couldnae believe it.

144. He was only meant to be in and out in a week

145. to get his knee fixed.

146. Next thing he knows, he's getting told he's got HIV.

147. Said they could give him pills to stop it progressing.

148. So that gave us all hope.

149. - No, too late.

150. Full-blown AIDS.

151. - That's terrible, mate.

152. I mean, hospitals are meant to cure you,

153. not make you sick.

154. What did he die of

155. No, I wish.

156. No, the lucky ones get pneumonia, but my dad,

157. the AIDS had got to his bones and his brain.

158. We just had to stand by and watch his mind rot.

159. My dad was a proud guy. He didn't like showing

160. any weakness.

161. But there he was, greetin' like a wee lassie,

162. telling us all that he was scared and didnae know

163. who he was any more.

164. - Didnae know who we were

165. either.

166. We were all round his bedside when he died

167. but he may as well have been surrounded by strangers.

168. He died surrounded by strangers.

169. - Listen, I know this is

170. no consolation, but...

171. I mean, you might have been strangers to him but...

172. I mean, surely it must be good,

173. you know, even to have a stranger hold

174. your hand to send you off?

175. No, we couldn't even do that.

176. Were you not at his bedside?

177. No, we were. But they'd amputated

178. his arms.

179. - Cos of the bone thing,

180. they said,

181. "Well, we could cut it out here.

182. "That might help it stop." No, didnae work.

183. They said, "It's spread there. We're going to

184. have to amputate."

185. Again and again, "We're going to have to amputate this,

186. - amputate that." Amputate, amputate, that's all I heard.

187. Just stripping my dad away to nothing.

188. And I had to sign the forms. It was me who had to sign

189. the forms to give permission,

190. He was just lying there,

191. his arms and legs hacked off, and he didnae know why.

192. And in the end, it was all for nothing.

193. - It was all for nothing.

194. That's heavy. It's heavy.

195. Aye.

196. Well, thanks for nipping round.

197. I'll let you get back to your phone call, whatever it was,

198. and thanks for the consideration, mate.

199. It's nae bother.

200. Thanks for coming in.

201. We're going to have to let you go.

202. - It's been a year, and...

203. It's just that, well, you're never in.

204. And the only time you do come in

205. is when we ask you to come in to tell you you're never in

206. You don't do anything, right?

207. We're only a small company, we can't afford to...

208. - No, that's it. You have to go.

209. It's not fair.

210. This is it! You have to go!

211. You have to! It's not fair! It's not fair!

212. All right!

213. Another year. We'll see how it goes.

214. We're going to have to do something.

215. Sorry, this isn't a sketch.

216. I'm just having a cup of tea.

217. - There's a couple of mates,

218. and then there's The Third Mate.

219. Here, listen, I'm gonna go for a pee.

220. All right, I'll go and get a round in.

221. No, don't be daft. It's my round.

222. - I'm coming to the toilet, an' all.

223. - Not with me, you're not!

224. So what do you make of Galatasaray then, eh?

225. - Galatasaray.

226. - Erm... -Oh, right.

227. You don't follow the football, don't you not?

228. No. How, who is he?

229. No, they. They're a team. They've be...

230. It doesnae matter. It's nothing.

231. Look, B'Elanna Torres with the...

232. Who?

233. The lassie with the red trainers,

234. she looks like B'Elanna Torres from Voyager.

235. Voyager?

236. Star Trek: Voyager. You don't watch it?

237. No, no, I don't watch Star Trek.

238. Is that the one with Dr Spock?

239. No, that's the old one.

240. And it's erm... Mr Spock.

241. - Nothing.

242. No, she's just... She's got the same forehead

243. as B'Elanna Torres from Voyager.

244. Alan McHugh.

245. Kirstin McLean.

246. Ta.

247. - A fish supper, please.

248. - A couple of minutes for the fish.

249. - No bother.

250. Who's this guy

251. We've got a new kid in town.

252. Hey, stranger, this town ain't big enough

253. for both of us.

254. I don't know, I like him, he's cute!

255. You shut your mouth! Who is he

256. He's got to be running from some kind of trouble.

257. Well, we don't want no trouble here.

258. I don't know, I like him, he's kinda cute.

259. You shut your mouth!

260. What... What's he doing

261. What's wrong with him?

262. He's got fever! He's got fever! He'll kill us all!

263. We've got to get rid of him!

264. We've got to throw him down the pit with the others.

265. What, like what you did with Reno?

266. You shut your mouth! Reno had fever!

267. He looked all right to me!

268. He had fever!

269. Maybe you got fever too!

270. We've got to burn him, burn him!

271. I don't know, I like him, he's kinda cute.

272. You shut your mouth!

273. There's your supper, pal.

274. Where... Where is he going?

275. Where is he going?

276. He's leaving! He's leaving!

277. We can't let him leave! We can't let him leave!

278. He'll tell others about us!

279. They'll come, they'll destroy our way of life.

280. Our way of life that we've developed over centuries

281. will be wiped out overnight!

282. We can't let him leave!

283. He's getting away! He's escaping!

284. The prisoner is escaping!

285. Get the dogs, somebody get the dogs! He's escaping!

286. He's got fever!

287. But he's kinda cute.

288. Do you mind? This isn't a sketch.

289. This is my private and personal...

290. F...!

291. Oh, f..!

292. Look, it's Jimmy Aitken from No.24.

293. And him that won't let you on the bus.

294. And your old schoolteacher, Miss Davidson,

295. who stood by and did nothing.

296. - Mum, Mum!

297. It's the Windy Man again!

298. - Phone the polis!

299. Des is some laugh, eh?

300. - Aye!

301. Oh, come on, what is it

302. "Hi, I've come for a swim."

303. Of course you came here for a swim! It's a swimming pool!

304. "Hi, can I use your pool?"

305. "No, no, you cannae use the pool! You're not allowed

306. here. You're barred!"

307. What do you think they're going to say?

308. Right...

309. "Let us use your pool, you cow!"

310. No, no, no, no, no, no!

311. Three guesses what these are for, eh?

312. Yay!

313. As you know, Stephanie's had a stroke.

314. I'm only surprised it never happened sooner.

315. Well, I don't plan on going the same way.

316. You're out.

317. Are youse needing your bins emptied?

318. You'd be better at it than me.

319. "Oh, hiya! How are..." No, no, no, no!

320. "All right, my man? Fancy seeing you here!"

321. No, come on! For God's sake! It's your dad.

322. Where is he

323. - Yay!

324. - Yay!

325. - Yay!

326. Thanks for coming out. I know it was a bit short notice.

327. - No bother. -I just needed to

328. get out of the house.

329. - No, not really.

330. Look, we've been going through a bit of a bad patch

331. and something happened, and... er...

332. And what?

333. Well, it's a bit personal.

334. No, no, no, no.

335. I want to talk about it, it's just...

336. I'll tell you later.

337. How, what's up with now?

338. I'd rather wait till we're a wee bit more... you know,

339. private.

340. Private?

341. Oh, for God's sake! This isn't a sketch!

342. I'm having a drink! Am I not allowed

343. to just have a...?

344. Right, just wait until they've went, right?

345. Aye, tell us later.

346. Forget it.

347. All right, this is quite embarrassing.

348. This was supposed to be a sketch, a wee

349. 30-second sketch,

350. but I wasn't able to write it.

351. I didn't have the time.

352. Something came up, a family thing.

353. I don't want to talk about it, but I'm sure

354. you understand.

355. So, please take the remaining few moments

356. to imagine something funny happening here.

357. Thank you.

358. - Des!

359. Well, folks, that's the end of the...

360. Well, folks, that's the end of the show. Thanks for wa...