Limmy's Show! 3x3

Directed by

Another spellbinding ascent into the curious and hilarious mind of Limmy. What happens to a small community when its famous children's television show Dream Scheme is cancelled? Elsewhere, Limmy uses all his powers of deduction to fathom which toilet door is the Gents. Falconhoof wrestles with a caller keen to send him back 'whence he came' and has Jacqueline McCafferty finally found true love? Award-winning comedy from Brian Limond.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Dad! Do you think the real place will be anything

2. like the programme?

3. Well, find out for yourself.

4. - That's us here. -Whoa!

5. Is this Dream Scheme?

6. Dream Scheme? It's been a while

7. since I heard that name.

8. How are you doing, mate

9. Live?

10. If you can call it that.

11. It's just that it's my boy's favourite programme,

12. you know?

13. Thought we'd come through, see where it was all filmed.

14. I know all the characters were all played by locals.

15. We were hoping maybe we could meet—

16. That programme tore the heart out of this community.

17. Right.

18. Come on. I'll give you the tour.

19. Och, no, you're all right.

20. Just thought we'd have a wee look about ourselves,

21. you know?

22. I don't advise you to go walking about here yourself,

23. mate.

24. Especially not with a wean.

25. Welcome to Limmy's Show!

26. Check the staring!

27. What is it with people and motors? The way

28. they stare out so brazenly,

29. in a way they wouldn't do if they were out here

30. in the street?

31. Is there something about being behind

32. all that glass and metal

33. that makes them feel invincible or something?

34. Well, let's see how they cope without it.

35. Fuck's sake! Check the state of him, man!

36. Have you seen him?

37. You're watching Adventure Call. My name is Falconhoof,

38. and I will be your guide on your quest.

39. Greetings, line one. What is your name, traveller?

40. My name's... Donald.

41. Greetings, Donald. Are you ready to begin your quest?

42. I think so.

43. Very well.

44. You awake in Voldesade's Labyrinth.

45. There are exits to your north, south and west.

46. - Go east.

47. You cannot go east.

48. Er... No, I don't know.

49. There are exits to your north, south and west.

50. But I don't want to exit. I want to play.

51. I've only just started.

52. I see. No, they are not exits from the labyrinth -

53. they are exits from your current, er..

54. They are paths.

55. Then you should have said that.

56. You're right, traveller. My apologies.

57. There are paths to your north, south and west.

58. What would you like to do?

59. Go east.

60. - You cannot go... -Oh, that's right. Go north.

61. You go north.

62. It's a dead end.

63. Go north.

64. You cannot.

65. You said I could.

66. Yes, before. But now it is a dead end.

67. How

68. No, you have travelled north, and now it is a dead end.

69. Right, well, try east now, then.

70. You cannot go east, traveller.

71. But you've not even tried.

72. It is a dead end, traveller. There is nowhere to go.

73. There is nowhere to go.

74. Aye, aye, all right! Keep your hair on.

75. Are you still there, traveller?

76. Aye. I'm just waiting.

77. Waiting?

78. Aye, you said there's nowhere to go,

79. so I'm just sitting waiting for something to happen.

80. No, I mean, it is a dead end. There is nowhere to go

81. except south.

82. There is nowhere to go except whence you came.

83. All right, well...

84. Go... whence I came.

85. You go whence you came.

86. There are paths to your north, south and west.

87. Go whence I came.

88. It is a dead end.

89. Go whence I came.

90. There are paths to your north, south and west.

91. Go whence I came.

92. Oh, for fuck's sake... for curiosity's sake,

93. would you like to try somewhere else?

94. Perhaps west?

95. All right. Go south.

96. It is a dead end.

97. But I told you to go south. I did, but this is another

98. dead end.

99. Go south. You cannot go south.

100. But you said if it's a dead end, you can only go south.

101. Yes, at the other dead end, but this is a dead end

102. to the south.

103. So the only way you can go is north.

104. Would you like to go north?

105. Er...

106. Let's go north.

107. No, wait, let me think about it.

108. Go north.

109. There are paths to your north, south and west.

110. To your north...

111. Go whence I came.

112. - There is a dead end to your south—

113. - Go whence I came.

114. There is another dead end, so the only place left is west.

115. What would you like to do?

116. Go up.

117. What, traveller?

118. Go up. Climb the walls so we can see where we are

119. and that.

120. You cannot climb the walls.

121. Try. See if you can get your fingers in.

122. Is there a ladder?

123. There is no ladder.

124. Aye, dig a wee tunnel. Just go right under everything.

125. You might find a ladder.

126. You cannot dig. There is no ladder.

127. OK, that's it - I'm going west.

128. - I'm going west, traveller.

129. No, you're not.

130. I am. It's up to you if you want to join me,

131. but I'm going west—

132. You're going nowhere, mate!

133. Your show's shite!

134. Let's take another call.

135. I've got a question for you.

136. What's heavier...

137. That's right - it's a kilogramme of steel,

138. because steel is heavier than feathers.

139. Do you know what day it is today?

140. No.

141. Craig died a year ago today.

142. Was it today, aye?

143. Have you forgot?

144. It was a year ago.

145. Don't take this the wrong way, but life goes on.

146. I miss him. He was a good mate.

147. But it's like, it gets you down every single day.

148. Do you not think today would be a good day

149. to start moving on?

150. Aye. But that's what I was going to say,

151. because I woke up this morning thinking,

152. "I can't do this any more. I miss him so much."

153. And then I realised, I don't have to miss him,

154. because if I think about it,

155. Craig isn't dead, not really.

156. That's a nice thought.

157. Aye. So that's what I'd like us to do.

158. What's that?

159. Pretend he's alive.

160. What?

161. Right.

162. Well, I'm gonna get the drinks in.

163. - Aye.

164. And... what about Craig

165. What's Craig after?

166. I don't know. What

167. No. I don't know. I...

168. Right, so... What?

169. Nothing.

170. Inventor Ivor.

171. Worked with my da for 20 years down the docks.

172. A proud man.

173. Until they chucked him on the scrapheap.

174. Then that telly lot came along and

175. give him his pride back,

176. as Inventor Ivor.

177. Till they pulled the plug on him an' all.

178. That was one knock to the pride too many for Ivor.

179. Threw himself right off the top there.

180. Was he trying to fly?

181. Fly? No. He wasn't trying to fly.

182. He was trying to die.

183. Can't take his pride where he is now.

184. You go and take your pictures.

185. Margaret! Margaret! Get him to come over to you!

186. Get him to come over to you!

187. Pull it out, Margaret! Pull it out!

188. What do you mean?

189. They're both a kilogramme.

190. But steel's heavier than feathers.

191. I know. But they're both a kilogramme.

192. What?

193. Get out of my fucking house!

194. Know what?

195. See today, I feel like being a right bad bastard!

196. Sorry, mate.

197. Aye, it's OK.

198. OK, let's have a think.

199. What have we here

200. We have two framed landscapes -

201. one to symbolise the male and one to symbolise

202. that of the female.

203. First impressions - the frame on the left is blue,

204. the frame on the right is pink.

205. Colours commonly used in the West

206. to differentiate between the genders. So far, so good.

207. Now the landscapes themselves.

208. They tell a very different story.

209. Within the blue frame, a meadow filled with

210. a variety of flowers -

211. the hyacinth, the daffodil, the lily.

212. One can almost imagine a young girl skipping through,

213. stopping only to make a daisy chain in the sun.

214. Hard to picture a more feminine scene,

215. which is in stark contrast to the scene on the right -

216. the rolling waves, the angry waves.

217. Their brute force could smash a ship against

218. the rocks like a twig.

219. Masculinity embodied in nature.

220. At this stage, it's anyone's guess.

221. 50/50. Except for one final detail,

222. so small you could be forgiven for missing it.

223. The bumble bee.

224. The bee, the bee, the bee. Very clever.

225. A honey trap of sorts.

226. The uneducated would perhaps see a male

227. hunter-gatherer

228. with a sting in its phallic, erect tail, but no!

229. The gender of this bee gathering pollen

230. is the same as all bees who gather pollen

231. and the only gender permitted to pass through

232. this door.

233. Female!

234. Sorry! Sorry.

235. I mean, look! The frame's pink!

236. I know, sorry. I thought that...

237. It's a lovely park, in't it?

238. So peaceful.

239. I feel so safe with you.

240. Building bricks!

241. No-one is safe.

242. Where's Jim and Jill's?

243. It's not here.

244. It was a real shop.

245. Had been for years. Doing well.

246. Until Dream Scheme.

247. Gangsters got it in their heads that Jim and Jill

248. must be on megabucks.

249. They wanted their cut.

250. Glasgow tax.

251. Eventually started costing more for them

252. to pull their shutters up

253. than it was to keep them down.

254. And down they stayed.

255. Bust.

256. Skint.

257. - That's terrible. -That's not the half of it.

258. Dream Scheme was pretty big in Serbia.

259. The gangsters here passed the debt to the gangsters there,

260. offered them a chance to pay it off.

261. They says, "Come on over, star in a wee film,

262. just the two of you."

263. Which they did.

264. They were in a film? Dad, can we see it

265. when we get back?

266. That's not the type of film you want to see, son.

267. No.

268. It's the type of film you want to unsee.

269. Are Jim and Jill not brother and sister?

270. No. Not in real life.

271. Cousins.

272. Go and take your pictures.

273. I'm away for a shite.

274. - Margaret!

275. Margaret! Put it in your mouth!

276. Put it in your mouth!

277. In! In! In! In!

278. In! In! In! In!

279. Oh, hey, could you take our picture, please?

280. Aye, no bother.

281. Cheese!

282. Thank you.

283. That'll be £10 exactly, please.

284. Ta.

285. Would you like me to put the receipt in the bag for you?

286. What?

287. Would you like me to put the receipt in the bag for you?

288. - Aye.

289. Yes. Yes, please.

290. Thanks.

291. No, thank you.

292. God... that was really nice.

293. It doesn't prove anything,

294. because steel's heavier than feathers.

295. I know. But look - they're both a kilogramme.

296. Right? So they're the same.

297. Well, no wonder! Look at the size of this.

298. That's cheating.

299. - No, they're the same weight. -It's a kilogramme.

300. But steel's heavier than feathers.

301. Building bricks!

302. Pulped!

303. No, I'm not.

304. Here! Look at that guy again. Look!

305. That's it - laugh at your daddy!

306. Laugh at your daddy! Ha ha ha!

307. He's doing it! He's laughing!

308. Right, that's it! Come on! He's not yours.

309. None of them are. You've been told

310. not to come back here.

311. Jackie, call security!

312. Look.

313. Somebody's grogged on the hearse.

314. Oh, my God! Who would do that?

315. Would you like me to put the receipt in the bag

316. for you?

317. That guy's brand-new, man.

318. Friday! Drinks after work?

319. - Definitely.

320. Let's get the old tunes on, get the old music player

321. fired up.

322. Mate, what's this

323. You should get that - it's cracking.

324. OK. User agreement?

325. There's pages of it!

326. Just click "next".

327. No, it's the user agreement.

328. Aye. Just click "next".

329. No, no. It's like a contract.

330. - Aye, all right!

331. There's pages of it.

332. Why are you not out with your work?

333. - User agreement. -Do you fancy going out

334. for a meal?

335. - No. -Aye, we're going out

336. tomorrow night anyway.

337. - Forget it. -You're an arsehole.

338. I'll ask John.

339. It's probably all standard stuff.

340. I'd just click "next".

341. Probably

342. - I can take a look,

343. but it'll cost you.

344. Good.

345. It's cool. All checks out.

346. Och, I'm glad we never went out. Save our money

347. for the holiday.

348. John cost four grand. There's not going to be a holiday.

349. - We're finished. -Right.

350. It's Friday. Drinks after work?

351. Drinks after work?

352. No?

353. I'll get the old tunes on anyway, yeah?

354. There we are.

355. Sounds much better when you get the old user agreement

356. checked out, doesn't it?

357. Sounds better, doesn't it?

358. Sounds better when you get the old user agreement

359. checked out.

360. Just once you get...

361. once you get it all checked out.

362. Scouse.

363. Scouse.

364. Scouse.

365. What happened?

366. I don't know, son. I don't know.

367. Oh, my God!

368. Don't look, son.

369. Where's Mr Gilhooley

370. No. He's in hell.

371. Davie Gilhooley signed on his whole life

372. till that telly lot came along and asked him

373. if he wants to be Mr Gilhooley, school teacher.

374. He took to it like a fish to water. Natural.

375. - You've seen him. -Aye. He was great.

376. Yeah, he was my favourite.

377. Well, Davie felt that he'd found his calling.

378. So much so that when they finally stuck the knife in,

379. cancelled the series,

380. Davie took a course to be a real teacher.

381. Said he loved weans, wanted to teach them, help them.

382. So rumours spread.

383. So we all came round here,

384. nailed him to the floorboards, poured petrol

385. through the letterbox

386. and burnt him alive.

387. But had he actually done anything?

388. No. We knew he hadn't.

389. But we were bored.

390. So we burnt him.

391. That's... that's horrific.

392. It tore the heart out this community.

393. The boredom set in.

394. The boredom of a kind you'd do anything to get away from.

395. Anything.

396. Listen, Leo, it's... it's getting late.

397. We should be getting home.

398. Late? We've not even had lunch.

399. Thanks for the tour.

400. I'll walk you to your motor.

401. - No, that's all right. We'll be—

402. - I'll walk you to your motor.

403. Listen, thanks for the tour.

404. How much?

405. - Give us that back!

406. Don't make me hurt him.

407. 3464.

408. They tore the heart out of this community.

409. Paul, gonna tell them?

410. They're right - they're both a kilogramme.

411. I'm joking!

412. Are you all right?

413. I don't get it.

414. - It's all right. -Don't worry about it.

415. I don't get it.

416. That'll be £17.99, please. And do you have a store card?

417. - Um... no. -OK.

418. Would you like me to put the receipt in the bag for you?

419. No, that's all right.

420. Sorry!

421. Sorry. Sorry!

422. I've ruined everything!

423. Margaret! Did you enjoy that, aye?

424. Did you enjoy that? That's your nephew!

425. - That's your nephew,

426. Margaret.

427. Aye, call me a cow?

428. Don't know if we can serve you that. You 18, hen?

429. If the bags are too heavy for you, just knock one of

430. the trolleys there, right?

431. Jump in, bobsleigh down the hill.

432. You all right?

433. Building bricks!

434. That'll do it!

435. Well, folks, it's almost the end of the show,

436. but we've got time for just one more sketch,

437. and believe me, I've saved the best till last.

438. What's that?

439. Och, sorry, we've run out of time. Bye.