Limmy's Show! 3x2

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Drug experimenter Larry Forsyth plucks up the courage to do battle with his interviewer, and Dee Dee bumps into a newsreader and contemplates national notoriety. Award-winning comedy with sketches, characters and observations courtesy of one of Scotland's most unique comic voices, Limmy. Drug experimenter Larry Forsyth plucks up the courage to do battle with his interviewer, Dee Dee bumps into a newsreader and contemplates national notoriety, plus we drop in on some sparkling party chat.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Here...

2. You know how there's that one person that you

3. just see everywhere?

4. You don't know them, you've never met them, but you

5. just see them all the time?

6. Well, see that guy there?

7. He's mine.

8. Welcome to Limmy's Show, my friend.

9. Hello. My name is Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.

10. OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

11. Can someone understand, please, I have here in spirit

12. an older gentleman,

13. whose brother has also passed to spirit.

14. And I have a strong feeling

15. that he wishes to connect with a lady in the audience.

16. You understand this?

17. My dad passed away and his brother, my uncle,

18. had already passed.

19. Oh, that's tragic.

20. Well, there's only one of them here.

21. I take it you've come for Dad?

22. It's Uncle.

23. But don't be downhearted.

24. No doubt your father loves you, but, oh, your uncle,

25. oh, he likes you.

26. Oh, he likes you!

27. He follows you absolutely everywhere and watches over

28. everything you do.

29. And I mean everything!

30. Like, he's just showing me there,

31. like, the time you were in the shower and the water went

32. cold and gave you a fright.

33. Yeah, it does that sometimes.

34. Yeah, he was just standing there, watching you as usual.

35. And then you screamed and jumped out of your skin.

36. I think he got a bigger fright than you.

37. And who are you, my love

38. Yeah, this is my husband.

39. Husband? Yeah, I'm getting the sense that your uncle

40. is so happy for you both.

41. He loves watching the two of you together. You're such

42. an affectionate couple.

43. But he's saying, "See him?

44. He needs to spend more time with you."

45. Do you understand this?

46. He needs to... spend... more... time with you!

47. Ooh!

48. - Right, OK, it's a family show!

49. But most of all, your uncle just loves to

50. watch you sleep.

51. At the end of a long day, when you kick off your heels,

52. peel off your clothes

53. and get into bed beside your husband.

54. Aww!

55. I'll leave his love with y—

56. Oh, hold on. Who's this?

57. We've got someone else coming.

58. It's Dad! Dad's come through.

59. Oh, I can see that they're brothers.

60. They're quite alike,

61. - Um...

62. There's that one big difference between them.

63. You can't remember?

64. Oh, the hair?

65. My uncle had a thick head of hair but my dad... didnae.

66. I see. So your dad was bald but your uncle wasn't?

67. Yeah.

68. Then I think I've got this mixed up.

69. That was your dad speaking.

70. Why didn't he say?

71. - Och, that's good.

72. To be honest,

73. when I thought it was your uncle watching you,

74. I thought, "Och, that's a bit creepy!"

75. Anyway, I'll leave their love with you.

76. Any of youse into Westlife?

77. Westlife? Nah!

78. No, I know. I used to think they were pish an' all,

79. but got dragged along to one of their concerts one night.

80. Was all the way down the front row

81. next to the speakers.

82. Honestly, man, see the bass that came out of those

83. speakers

84. when they played Uptown Girl...

85. I was like that - "Oh, get in there, man! Get in!"

86. Good, by the way.

87. Aye. Some banter on them an' all, man.

88. Here, how good would it be if you could do this?

89. I meant just me.

90. Thank you for joining us.

91. My name is Larry Forsyth, and with me is Dr Stuart.

92. This week, Dr Stuart will be administering me

93. with Dreadnought,

94. a drug first used during the Great War

95. because it provided the soldier with added bravery.

96. An hour and a half later,

97. I was beginning to feel definite effects.

98. What are you looking at?

99. I'm looking at you, Larry.

100. Who do you think you're looking at?

101. I'm looking at you.

102. Where is it you think I'm looking?

103. Shut your fucking mouth!

104. You realise you're being quite confrontational?

105. Yes, I am. I apologise.

106. It's quite all right.

107. - Yes.

108. And what if it wasn't?

109. What if it wasn't what, Larry?

110. What if it wasn't all right?

111. What if you're not all right with the things

112. I'm saying to you?

113. What the fuck would you do about it?

114. You're becoming quite aggressive again, Larry.

115. Yes, I am. I apologise.

116. And stop "Larrying" me.

117. Could you tell me what it is you're feeling,

118. what emotions are driving you at this moment?

119. I'm... feeling the urge to strike you.

120. To strike your face.

121. And your body.

122. I see.

123. Do you think you could stop me if I tried?

124. I wouldn't like to find out.

125. Shall I take that as a maybe?

126. - Larry! -I told you

127. to not "Larry" me.

128. Do you feel that when I say your name—

129. - You heard me.

130. My wife is a floozy?

131. - Larry, you're behaving—

132. - I told you not to "Larry" me!

133. - Larry!

134. Are you deaf

135. Could you sit down, please?

136. Why don't you try and make me sit down?

137. You're being rather frightening.

138. Your wife is a floozy!

139. I must ask you not to say that again.

140. Your wife is a floozy! Your wife is a floozy!

141. Your wife is a floozy!

142. At this point in the experiment,

143. I had to be subdued.

144. Floozy!

145. It's a lot of shite, this place.

146. Lot of shite. I wish I could just escape,

147. get away from everybody.

148. It's a lot of shite!

149. Fuck off!

150. - Everybody was steaming,

151. right, but Billy's da,

152. he's practically sleeping standing up.

153. Have you ever seen the video for Smooth Criminal?

154. - Er... -No.

155. - Aye, aye.

156. Well, he's like this. Come here. Come here.

157. Go round there. Right, hold us up.

158. He's like that.

159. Like there's some mad gale kind of holding him up.

160. - You know, no idea of how

161. he was managing it.

162. It was like his feet were glued to the deck.

163. You know? But I was in the same state by about

164. 12 o'clock, or so I was told.

165. Right? I cannae remember anything...

166. - ... but what I can

167. remember is

168. thinking it's a shame for Billy's da, right, cos

169. he's totally out of his mind.

170. The polis get a pure hard time, don't they?

171. - Polis.

172. They just get a pure hard time, don't they?

173. It's like nobody ever speaks to them.

174. You walk past them, never speak to them and that.

175. Just give them pure dirty looks.

176. But they're like the first people...

177. If you get attacked,

178. they're like the first people you speak to,

179. the first people you phone.

180. Like, they come to your door, come to your door

181. pure friendly and all that,

182. and my sister, she got burgled. She phoned them.

183. Straight to the door, friendly and...

184. Aye, it's just... it's a shame for them.

185. Just nobody speaks...

186. Oh, I feel gallus, man!

187. Good, good. Working away.

188. - No. Chucked that years ago.

189. - I don't mean to be rude,

190. - Right.

191. Right. Well, I was just doing the whole website thing.

192. I chucked that an' all. You still in Glasgow, aye?

193. East End. It's all right.

194. - I'm still in Partick. -Right.

195. So...

196. what are you into these days?

197. I've got a secret hamster.

198. I keep it up in my loft.

199. She thinks I'm up there trying to fix a leak

200. in the roof,

201. but I'm up there feeding it. Giving it a wee clap.

202. Nobody knows?

203. Nobody.

204. My son got suspicious.

205. He was like that, "What leak? Da,

206. what are you doing up there?"

207. I says, "Son, you don't want to know."

208. He hasnae asked since.

209. I don't know what he thinks I'm doing, but it won't be

210. that. Yourself?

211. See, on my way to work,

212. I pass this dump. It's not a real dump.

213. It's just like a bit of spare ground

214. people use for...

215. - Fly-tipping. -Aye.

216. Well, see, in there there's this wardrobe, right?

217. It's been there for months.

218. I get in the wardrobe,

219. sometimes for ten minutes... sometimes for ten hours.

220. Told her last week, last Friday, "I'll be working away

221. all weekend.

222. Won't be back till Monday - working on the rigs."

223. I was in the wardrobe all weekend,

224. fucking laughing my head off!

225. I've got to get one for the loft.

226. - Er...

227. - See you later.

228. - Oh, just something to fix that leak.

229. - Och, that leak!

230. I went to see a movie. Everyone said it was great.

231. It's, like, 92 on Metacritic.

232. But it was OK. It was just OK.

233. I got the new OS. Everyone said it's full of

234. these great new features.

235. It's supposed to be better and faster, but it's not,

236. it's slower and worse.

237. And I went to a gig. They're, like, my favourite band.

238. I used to love them, but they didn't sound the same.

239. They didn't sound good,

240. but everyone said they were great. But they weren't

241. great. They were shit!

242. They were shit! Everything's shit.

243. Everything's shit. Everything's changed.

244. Everything used to be so good.

245. We said we'd all go travelling, all my friends.

246. We'd go to Thailand and Australia

247. and maybe Laos.

248. But no-one went. Everyone's got jobs

249. and mortgages

250. and now some of them are having kids.

251. - Everything's shit. -Everything's shit.

252. - Everything's shit.

253. Now he gets it.

254. - Oh, I forgot. Gotta get a packet of paracetamol.

255. - Right.

256. But they'll think I'm trying to top myself.

257. - Hi. -Hi!

258. Hiya!

259. All right?

260. You all right?

261. Aye, fine, thanks.

262. Fine

263. I feel amazing, man!

264. I feel amazing!

265. I feel... I feel pure dead brilliant!

266. I feel braw! I feel amazing!

267. But I've got a wee bit of a headache, so I think I'll

268. have two packets of...

269. er, two packets of...

270. Here, some day, in't it?

271. Eh? Some day!

272. I woke up this morning, I thought, "Some day, in't it?"

273. I know it was raining this morning,

274. but I love the weather.

275. I wake up and I think, what's the weather got

276. in store for me today? And my family and

277. my loved ones and my pals and all that.

278. Cos I've got tons of loved ones and friends and family

279. to support me and all that.

280. I'm very lucky. I've got everything to live for,

281. know what I mean?

282. You know, I love the weather, love the rain, but the thing

283. is, with the rain,

284. sometimes you don't feel like going out to

285. the shops, don't you not?

286. So it's good to stock up, in't it? So for that reason,

287. I think I'll have not one but two packets of...

288. Er, two packets of...

289. It's good to laugh sometimes, in't it?

290. You know, with life, when you think about life.

291. You never think about life and you're like...

292. Look, mate, if I wanted to do it, I'd do this.

293. Can I have two packets of paracetamol, please?

294. He's sleeping right now, isn't it?

295. What?

296. It's just funny to think he's sleeping.

297. Him from the... er... The Usual Suspects.

298. Who?

299. Kevin Spacey?

300. Aye, no, the other one, the other main one.

301. It isnae Kevin Spacey. What's his name?

302. Gabriel Byrne?

303. Aye. That's it, aye. Funny to think he's sleeping

304. right now, isn't it?

305. Isn't it? Funny thinking he's sleeping right now,

306. and I'm thinking... I'm thinking about him.

307. He's lying in bed somewhere and I'm thinking

308. about him sleeping.

309. Are you thinking about him sleeping?

310. Just lying in bed, like, dreaming and...

311. It's funny to think... Imagine he's...

312. And I'm thinking about him dreaming.

313. Funny thing: imagine, eh, he was dreaming about us

314. thinking about him...

315. What other films is he in?

316. So... Christine's pregnant!

317. Oh, really? Congratulations, mate.

318. - 30th of August, we think.

319. Do you know what it is yet

320. No, it's too early for that. But listen, we were

321. thinking, if it is a boy...

322. We'll maybe name him after you.

323. No!

324. No, don't do that. You serious?

325. Aye, if you listen, not in your honour or nothing,

326. but, well, your name came up, and it's got

327. a nice ring to it.

328. Seamus McPhee.

329. Seamus?

330. Aye.

331. But my name's not...

332. Oh, right, his name's Seamus McPhee. You're using

333. my name for his middle name.

334. No. That'd be a bit daft, eh? Seamus Seamus McPhee.

335. Seamus? All right. His middle name is Seamus.

336. You're using my name for his first name, so it's

337. Brian Seamus McPhee.

338. - Aye.

339. Why Brian?

340. I thought you said you were using my name?

341. Aye. But... Oh, right, is your middle name Brian?

342. No. What are you on about?

343. What are you on about?

344. - My name's not Seamus. -Aye, it is.

345. Right, you're starting to freak me out now.

346. No, you're starting to freak me out.

347. - Aye.

348. - There's some pasta in the microwave if you want it.

349. - Thanks.

350. - Seamus, have you got the number for—

351. - I said, have you got the number for—

352. - Before that.

353. I said your name.

354. Which is?

355. Did he put you up to this?

356. Did who put me up to what?

357. - Seamus, what's— -Right, I'm off.

358. Can I have a room, please?

359. And is it just for the night, Seamus?

360. What?

361. Seamus. Seamus.

362. Seamus!

363. I hate that name! My name's not Seamus! Gonna everybody

364. stop calling me Seamus!

365. One day, they flip it. They just cannae take it any more.

366. So for the sake of your wean, please...

367. don't call them Seamus.

368. Hello.

369. Yes, it is.

370. Ah, no... I'm not interested, thanks.

371. No, I'm not. I don't want to buy anything, thanks,

372. and could you take me off your database, please?

373. Er... no. I'm not int—

374. What kind of clown porn?

375. What's that?

376. Hm?

377. You know, it was funny when he was going like that,

378. wasn't it?

379. Oh, Billy's dad?

380. - Aye. -Aye.

381. Guess who?

382. Honk, honk!

383. - Aye.

384. - Oh, look at that! Look at the head on it!

385. Oh, you know what that reminds me of?

386. That foam party.

387. Foam party?

388. Hogmanay 1999. Remember that stupid Ibiza theme

389. foam party at the pub?

390. Oh, aye!

391. Mind the guy got skooshed in the eyes with

392. the foam machine?

393. Mind? He was like that.

394. - "I cannae see! I cannae see!"

395. - Aye.

396. No, you're not looking. Look. Mind we used

397. to do impressions of him?

398. "I cannae see! I cannae see!"

399. Aye.

400. No, you're not looking at me. Right, watch. Mind?

401. "I cannae see! I cannae see!"

402. Is this ever gonna go down?

403. Argh!

404. Look at me!

405. I'm looking!

406. - "I cannae see! I cannae see!"

407. Doors opening.

408. Doors closing.

409. Do any of youse watch Coronation Street?

410. What?

411. Do you watch Coronation Street?

412. Aye, sometimes.

413. Getting brilliant right now, in't it?

414. I don't know, mate. I don't watch it enough.

415. Aye, it's getting pretty good right now.

416. There's that story line with what's-his-name...

417. What's his name?

418. Yeah. Any of youse watch Coronation Street?

419. Oh, wait. I forgot to get tinned tomatoes.

420. - Back in a bit. Sorry. -That's OK.

421. So, erm...

422. What's your thing?

423. My thing?

424. Aye. Your thing.

425. Every Thursday,

426. I pull down those shutters...

427. phone the wife, tell her I'm stocktaking.

428. But you're not.

429. I strip off...

430. grab a basket...

431. walk around, sticking things in.

432. That's good. But you know what you could do?

433. What?

434. Watch back the CCTV for that day.

435. Go up to next to where people were standing.

436. Go like that to them,

437. "All right, sir, two for one?"

438. "Can I help you, madam"

439. Like you usually would.

440. But with your cock out.

441. I'm doing that!

442. I'm doing that tonight!

443. Doing what tonight?

444. Watching the game on that.

445. Oh, right.

446. Fuckin' was walking through the park

447. and I spots this hell of a familiar face.

448. It was him. Him that does the news.

449. Here. Here, you're him, in't you?

450. I hope so!

451. And I thought, here, you'll be on the News at 6, live.

452. And here he is, right in front of me.

453. Dee Dee, this is your chance to get on the telly.

454. Cos I'm not a violent man,

455. but if I was, I could break his nose.

456. Come six, everybody watching

457. would be like that, "What happened to his nose?"

458. I'd be like that...

459. That was me.

460. Or I could pull out my lighter like I'm having

461. a fag and burn his hair.

462. Everybody watching would be like that,

463. "What's with the hat?"

464. I'd be like that...

465. That was me.

466. Or I could just say to him, "Here, fancy going mental

467. and getting a tattoo?"

468. Everybody watching would be like that,

469. "Has he went mental?" I'd be like that...

470. That was me.

471. Well, none of that happened.

472. But it didnae have to, because when he was

473. making his exit,

474. he tripped up a dillion.

475. Ha!

476. That night, he knew I was watching.

477. And there on his face, behind a mad fake smile,

478. was something worse than any tattoo.

479. Embarrassment.

480. That was me.

481. Oh, here, listen, how's it going, mate?

482. I'm sorry. I see you everywhere. What's your name,

483. my man? I'm Limmy.

484. No chance!

485. - Sorry, mate. -It's all right.

486. Should have a wee sign telling you which arm rest's

487. yours, eh?

488. Aye!

489. So, er...

490. what's your thing?

491. What?

492. What's your thing?

493. My what?

494. Your thing. What's your thing?

495. Mate, I don't have a clue what you're talking about.

496. Don't mind me, mate. I'm off my nut.

497. Do any of youse want a game of I Spy?

498. No, mate.

499. That's cool. I'll play myself. Play myself.

500. Right, er...

501. I spy with my little eye something beginning with...

502. wallpaper.

503. Hm?

504. Here, I feel like a spin.

505. Oh, oh, oh, ohhh!

506. Sorry. Know how sometimes you feel like a wee spin?

507. A wee orange juice for the lady?

508. What?

509. A wee lady's orange juice for yourself?

510. - Aye, away you go back and drown in your pint, mate.

511. What?

512. Well, he got a reaction out of you. You've got to

513. give him that.

514. You gave him exactly what he wanted. You played

515. right into his hands.

516. What are you doing, you wee fanny?

517. Well, you played right into their hands.

518. You gave them exactly what they wanted.

519. They got a reaction out of you.

520. You've got to give them that.

521. Did you hear the client picked my designs?

522. - No luck. -Aye, well,

523. yours were a wee bit safe.

524. The client picked my designs.

525. Because they shat out of doing something different.

526. - Aye, the client picked my designs.

527. - Oh, shut up!

528. Well, you gave her exactly what she wanted.

529. You played right into her hands.

530. She got a reaction out of you. You've got to

531. give her that.

532. What is that guy?

533. - Oh, I see!

534. He's in my mind!

535. What?

536. What was that all about

537. Well, he got a reaction out of you.

538. You gave him exactly what he wanted.

539. You've got to give him that. You played right into

540. his hands.

541. Ahhh!

542. Here, funny to think, mate...

543. Listen, it's, like eight o'clock in the morning.

544. So do you mind just phoning yourselves a taxi?

545. No bother, mate. I'm just gonna head into town,

546. try and find a pub.

547. Any of youse want to go and try and find a pub? Want to

548. go and try and find a pub?

549. Want to go and try and find a pub?

550. Want to go and try and find a pub?

551. Want to go and try and find a pub?

552. Want to go and try and find a pub?

553. Mate! Check him out. He's crashed out! Mate!

554. That'll be right!