1. I want to put that on my head.Copy !req
2. Do you know what I want to do?Copy !req
3. I want to put that on my head.Copy !req
4. Don't ask me why.Copy !req
5. Done!Copy !req
6. Welcome to Limmy's Show!Copy !req
7. You're watching Adventure Call.Copy !req
8. My name is FalconhoofCopy !req
9. and I will be your guide on your quest.Copy !req
10. Greetings, line two. What is your name, traveller?Copy !req
11. Hi, Falconhoof. My name's Ewan.Copy !req
12. Greetings, Ewan. Are you ready to begin your quest?Copy !req
13. Just a moment.Copy !req
14. Ahhhh!Copy !req
15. What was that you were drinking?Copy !req
16. It seems very delicious.Copy !req
17. It is. It's Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
18. Ah. Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
19. Sparkling, tasty and refreshing.Copy !req
20. A great companion on any adventure.Copy !req
21. Are you ready to begin yours?Copy !req
22. I am now.Copy !req
23. Very well.Copy !req
24. You awake in a giant's kitchen.Copy !req
25. You're on a plate. Nearby is a steel goblet.Copy !req
26. You hear thunderous footsteps approaching.Copy !req
27. What would you like to do?Copy !req
28. Hide in goblet.Copy !req
29. You climb over the lip of the gobletCopy !req
30. and dive into a pool of...Copy !req
31. Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
32. Oh, really?Copy !req
33. Yes, really.Copy !req
34. Man, I love that stuff!Copy !req
35. Me too. The giant searches the room for you.Copy !req
36. He glances towards the goblet.Copy !req
37. What would you like to do?Copy !req
38. Drink Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
39. You drink the delicious Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
40. The goblet is empty.Copy !req
41. You sit at the bottom of the goblet, safely out of view.Copy !req
42. Good idea, traveller.Copy !req
43. I have a confession, Falconhoof.Copy !req
44. It was luck. I just couldn't help drinkingCopy !req
45. that Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
46. I hear you.Copy !req
47. Unfortunately, the giant also loves Barry's Red ColaCopy !req
48. and begins refilling the goblet from his bottle.Copy !req
49. What would you like to do?Copy !req
50. Drink Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
51. You drink the Barry's Red Cola as it pours over you.Copy !req
52. Barry's Red Cola also tastes greatCopy !req
53. straight from the bottle.Copy !req
54. You remain out of view at the bottom of the goblet.Copy !req
55. Another great idea, traveller.Copy !req
56. But don't tell me - it was luck.Copy !req
57. You just couldn't help drinking all that...Copy !req
58. Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
59. Hey, you can't blame me, huh?Copy !req
60. No way, man.Copy !req
61. But the giant keeps pouring faster than you can drink.Copy !req
62. You must act quickly. Let me think about it.Copy !req
63. [Ewan imitates sound of can openingCopy !req
64. and glugging]Copy !req
65. Mmm! Ahhh!Copy !req
66. Traveller...Copy !req
67. - You're dead.Copy !req
68. Oh, no! What happened?Copy !req
69. You drowned in Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
70. What a glorious way to die.Copy !req
71. Yeah. I was too busy enjoying the real thing.Copy !req
72. Ah, yes, what better way to enjoy red colaCopy !req
73. than the real thing?Copy !req
74. The real red cola.Copy !req
75. Barry's Red Cola.Copy !req
76. Let's take another call.Copy !req
77. What the...Copy !req
78. Oh, hold on. I put it on for a laugh.Copy !req
79. It's good - you should try it.Copy !req
80. Oh, how you doing?Copy !req
81. I was thinking of getting one of these. I was thinkingCopy !req
82. maybe that one.Copy !req
83. Mmm... yeah. Hmm...Copy !req
84. Yeah, it's pretty standard, but...Copy !req
85. Mmm... Hmm, yeah, why not?Copy !req
86. I might not even need that. I was thinking maybeCopy !req
87. even just that.Copy !req
88. Ahh... I wouldn't. It's pretty basic.Copy !req
89. It's entry level. I mean...Copy !req
90. Och, no, I wouldn't...Copy !req
91. So what about that?Copy !req
92. Ohhh! That's a serious bit of kit.Copy !req
93. That's actually what I've got in the house.Copy !req
94. I'm not sure if I need all that.Copy !req
95. I think I might be fine just with that.Copy !req
96. It's... Pretty basic, entry level, mate. I wouldn't...Copy !req
97. So you're thinking maybe more that?Copy !req
98. Yeah... Hmm... It's pretty standard, but...Copy !req
99. You're thinking more that one?Copy !req
100. Whoa! Serious bit of kit.Copy !req
101. It's serious. I mean, you're talking...Copy !req
102. Sss... That's entry level, basic. Up to you, but...Copy !req
103. Well, I think I'll take that one. Thanks.Copy !req
104. Hmm... yeah.Copy !req
105. Hiya. How annoying is this?Copy !req
106. Not annoying at all, ehCopy !req
107. And I start doing this.Copy !req
108. And I look like this.Copy !req
109. This is pretty annoying, in't it? The hat, the top,Copy !req
110. the whole thing.Copy !req
111. Aye, this is pretty annoying.Copy !req
112. How about if I start doing this?Copy !req
113. And this.Copy !req
114. And occasionally do this.Copy !req
115. And just to top it all off, I do this.Copy !req
116. That's pretty annoying, in't it?Copy !req
117. Drop the gun.Copy !req
118. You drop the gun.Copy !req
119. Drop the gun!Copy !req
120. Slowly!Copy !req
121. I ain't dropping shit.Copy !req
122. You want to do this the old way?Copy !req
123. Let's do it.Copy !req
124. Drop the gun, asshole.Copy !req
125. You drop it, pigshit.Copy !req
126. Drop the gun... dick splash.Copy !req
127. You drop it... lame wad.Copy !req
128. Drop the gun, douchebin.Copy !req
129. It's douchebag, you idiot.Copy !req
130. Well, I say douchebin.Copy !req
131. Well, I say drop the gun, douchebag.Copy !req
132. Drop the gun, you mother asshole.Copy !req
133. You already said asshole.Copy !req
134. This time, I'm saying mother asshole.Copy !req
135. - You prick. -You're the dick.Copy !req
136. I said prick. Not dick.Copy !req
137. But I'm calling you a dick.Copy !req
138. You wank.Copy !req
139. I'll wank you, you dick. Shit!Copy !req
140. Sheee... it!Copy !req
141. And if you've been affected by any of the issues raisedCopy !req
142. in tonight's programme,Copy !req
143. you can call the number at the bottom of your screen.Copy !req
144. Hello!Copy !req
145. Hello. Is this the number to phone if I've been affectedCopy !req
146. - by any of the issues in tonight's—Copy !req
147. - Yes, it is.Copy !req
148. Right. Well, I've been affectedCopy !req
149. by some of the issuesCopy !req
150. in tonight's programme.Copy !req
151. Ah, sorry to hear that, sweetheart.Copy !req
152. - Yep. -OK, thanks for calling.Copy !req
153. Bye for now.Copy !req
154. All right. Bye.Copy !req
155. Hmm...Copy !req
156. Sssss...Copy !req
157. Hmm...Copy !req
158. Just gonna leave that there. All right?Copy !req
159. Hello. My name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.Copy !req
160. Let's see where the spirit takes us.Copy !req
161. Could someone understand, please? I have here in spiritCopy !req
162. someone who at the time of their passingCopy !req
163. looked very different from how they usually looked,Copy !req
164. and not necessarily for the better?Copy !req
165. You, my dear.Copy !req
166. I think it might be my son.Copy !req
167. It might be your son? OK.Copy !req
168. And am I right in saying that this changeCopy !req
169. in his appearanceCopy !req
170. was caused by an illness?Copy !req
171. Or an accident? Or—Copy !req
172. Yeah, an accident. He was killed in a car crash.Copy !req
173. A crash? Oh, God.Copy !req
174. And you saw what had happened whenCopy !req
175. you went to identify him.Copy !req
176. Am I right?Copy !req
177. Well, I was in the car with him,Copy !req
178. but I had my seatbelt on,Copy !req
179. so I survived but he didn't.Copy !req
180. Oh, lucky you!Copy !req
181. No, no, you weren't lucky, because you saw your sonCopy !req
182. and he was, and he admits this himself,Copy !req
183. not a pretty picture.Copy !req
184. His face was all over the place. Is that right?Copy !req
185. Good, because he's telling me now... Who's this?Copy !req
186. My husband.Copy !req
187. This is husband.Copy !req
188. You told husband you couldn't get that faceCopy !req
189. out of your mind.Copy !req
190. Every time you closed your eyes, it was there.Copy !req
191. It's just not how you want to remember your son.Copy !req
192. But he's telling me now, "Don't cry, Mum.Copy !req
193. They've put me back together again.Copy !req
194. All the king's horses and all the king's men have put meCopy !req
195. back together again."Copy !req
196. Just like the nursery rhyme you used to sing to him -Copy !req
197. do you remember?Copy !req
198. He just wants to come through to tell you that.Copy !req
199. And that's him away.Copy !req
200. But now that he's away, I can tell you...Copy !req
201. he's a mess,Copy !req
202. I'm sorry. He's no different. He was trying toCopy !req
203. cheer you up,Copy !req
204. but I thought you'd want the truth, cos you're goingCopy !req
205. to see it eventually.Copy !req
206. Don't worry, you'll have plentyCopy !req
207. of time to get used to it.Copy !req
208. That was nice of him. I'll leave his love with you.Copy !req
209. Woof!Copy !req
210. Woof!Copy !req
211. Woof! Woof! Woof!Copy !req
212. I'm going to say something to you right nowCopy !req
213. that I've never said to another living soulCopy !req
214. in my life.Copy !req
215. I hate my job. I hate my job.Copy !req
216. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate my job.Copy !req
217. Now there's a guy who hates his job.Copy !req
218. All right?Copy !req
219. This is gonna sound strange, but I used to stay hereCopy !req
220. when I was younger.Copy !req
221. Right.Copy !req
222. And I was wondering, could I come in and haveCopy !req
223. a wee look about?Copy !req
224. Oh, I don't know about that, mate.Copy !req
225. See, I knew it would sound strange.Copy !req
226. See, the thing is, me and my family are moving toCopy !req
227. New Zealand next week, right?Copy !req
228. We're never coming back, so I've been going aboutCopy !req
229. getting one last lookCopy !req
230. at all my old memories before I leave.Copy !req
231. Do you know what I mean? I just thought I could maybeCopy !req
232. come backCopy !req
233. and have a wee look, and I don't know...Copy !req
234. Aye, all right. Come in for a minute, then.Copy !req
235. Oh, amazing, mate! Thanks a lot.Copy !req
236. Oh, it's just how I remember it. This whole wallCopy !req
237. used to be Artexed.Copy !req
238. In fact, I think the whole thing used to be Artexed.Copy !req
239. Do you remember Artex?Copy !req
240. Aye, the Artex. Here! Where are you going?Copy !req
241. Sorry, mate. It's just this used to be my bedroom.Copy !req
242. Would you mind?Copy !req
243. No, no, on you go.Copy !req
244. Some man!Copy !req
245. Oh, look at this, look at this!Copy !req
246. It's a lot wee-er than what I remember,Copy !req
247. but obviously, I was wee myself,Copy !req
248. you know what I mean?Copy !req
249. Aye, it was yellow up to about there...Copy !req
250. - ... cos I started painting itCopy !req
251. yellow, but ran out of paint.Copy !req
252. Eh, listen, could you... could you give us a minute?Copy !req
253. Aye, no bother.Copy !req
254. To myself.Copy !req
255. Nah. No, I can't do that, mate.Copy !req
256. Listen, do you want to leave now? I'm pretty busy.Copy !req
257. No, it'll just be a minute, mate.Copy !req
258. - No, mate. I've got stuff to get on with. Now, come on.Copy !req
259. - No, just a minute!Copy !req
260. What Now get out!Copy !req
261. Get out my fucking house!Copy !req
262. All right, all right! I'm leaving. God's sake!Copy !req
263. Mate! Mate!Copy !req
264. Were you looking for this?Copy !req
265. Oh!Copy !req
266. Aw, cheers, mate!Copy !req
267. Oh, choking!Copy !req
268. You couldn't do us another favour? You couldn't give usCopy !req
269. 20p to get back to Royston?Copy !req
270. No?Copy !req
271. Can't get much more annoying than this, eh?Copy !req
272. How about this?Copy !req
273. - Oh, sorry, mate!Copy !req
274. Or this?Copy !req
275. Or this?Copy !req
276. - Oh, sorry, mate!Copy !req
277. It's about as annoying as it gets.Copy !req
278. - Yeah.Copy !req
279. I'm going to have to let you go.Copy !req
280. WhatCopy !req
281. I can't have you spreading your negativityCopy !req
282. around the workplace.Copy !req
283. I don't know what you mean.Copy !req
284. I hate my job. I hate my job.Copy !req
285. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate my job.Copy !req
286. I hate my job.Copy !req
287. How did you get in—Copy !req
288. Who's that? That's...Copy !req
289. Now, there's a guy who hates his job.Copy !req
290. I... I...Copy !req
291. Er...Copy !req
292. So you bought yourself a new motor.Copy !req
293. A yellow motor.Copy !req
294. What were you thinking?Copy !req
295. Can I have a roll and chips, please?Copy !req
296. - Joining in.Copy !req
297. But I don't know you, mate.Copy !req
298. - Aye, all right, I was just— -I don't know you!Copy !req
299. May God forgive me for what I'm about to say,Copy !req
300. but sometimes I wish it was you that was in that water.Copy !req
301. Joking!Copy !req
302. Fuckin' minding my own business.Copy !req
303. Your neighbour isn't in. Would you mindCopy !req
304. signing for this?Copy !req
305. - It's recorded delivery.Copy !req
306. It's for your neighbour.Copy !req
307. I'll just put a wee note through their doorCopy !req
308. and say you've got it.Copy !req
309. Right.Copy !req
310. Back to the telly. Homes Under The Hammer.Copy !req
311. It was good one. Somebody had bought a barn,Copy !req
312. wanted to do it up.Copy !req
313. I thought, "Dee Dee, who are you fucking kidding,Copy !req
314. man"Copy !req
315. I thought, "Come on, don't start."Copy !req
316. Homes Under The Hammer - tune in.Copy !req
317. The wee voice went,Copy !req
318. "Dee Dee, sitting over there is a boxCopy !req
319. and you don't know what's in it."Copy !req
320. I mean, who has a box in their house and they don'tCopy !req
321. even know what's in it?Copy !req
322. It isn't right.Copy !req
323. I just thought, "Gonna drop it? Take your mind off it.Copy !req
324. Look, there's Jeremy Kyle. Are you happy?"Copy !req
325. This Morning, Judge Judy, Loose Women,Copy !req
326. fucking Cash In The Attic,Copy !req
327. Bargain Hunt, Flog It,Copy !req
328. fucking Murder She Wrote, Midsomer Murders,Copy !req
329. Heartbeat, fucking Alan Titchmarsh.Copy !req
330. We can get through this.Copy !req
331. Get rid of it.Copy !req
332. Papped it outside his door. His problem.Copy !req
333. Aye, but then I thought, "Dee Dee, what if itCopy !req
334. gets knockedCopy !req
335. or somebody wrecks it? Wee glue-snifferCopy !req
336. makes his way up here,Copy !req
337. or a fox, you'll get the blame."Copy !req
338. But what if he knocks it himself,Copy !req
339. makes you buy him a new one,Copy !req
340. so he ends up with two?Copy !req
341. You better believe you'll have to sign forCopy !req
342. the new one as well.Copy !req
343. Doing your nut in again.Copy !req
344. You dumping it again, him bumping it again.Copy !req
345. Two become four, four become eight, eight become...Copy !req
346. whatever it is.Copy !req
347. Started chapping doors to palm it offCopy !req
348. to somebody else.Copy !req
349. But nobody would help. Nobody was in.Copy !req
350. Too busy working, thinking about themselves.Copy !req
351. All bar one.Copy !req
352. Aye, right!Copy !req
353. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't have it inside.Copy !req
354. I couldn't leave it outside. I couldn't let itCopy !req
355. out my sight.Copy !req
356. Stumped. Trapped.Copy !req
357. I'd only one option left.Copy !req
358. All right?Copy !req
359. I'm not angry.Copy !req
360. I'm disappointed, but I'm not angry.Copy !req
361. So here's what I'm going to do.Copy !req
362. I'm going to turn around, I'm going to shut my eyes,Copy !req
363. and I want whoever took the plateCopy !req
364. to put it back and I'm willing to draw a lineCopy !req
365. under it right there.Copy !req
366. OK? OK.Copy !req
367. Thank God! Thanks for coming over.Copy !req
368. What's this all about? You didn't make any senseCopy !req
369. on the phone.Copy !req
370. He's got one of them on his head.Copy !req
371. What for?Copy !req
372. I don't know. It's not funny. Gonna just get him to stop!Copy !req
373. Get out!Copy !req
374. I'm sorry, Irene!Copy !req
375. He's right - it's good.Copy !req
376. I'll see you later.Copy !req
377. You'll see him now. Get out! The two of youse - out!Copy !req
378. Irene, I'm...Copy !req
379. - Oh, sorry.Copy !req
380. This really is as annoying as it gets, eh?Copy !req
381. Well, how about this one last thing?Copy !req
382. Imagine something like this, eh?Copy !req
383. True story.Copy !req
384. Ssss...Copy !req
385. Hmm...Copy !req
386. Ssss...Copy !req
387. Hmm...Copy !req
388. Ssss...Copy !req
389. Hmm... Ssss...Copy !req
390. Hmm... Ssss...Copy !req
391. Och!Copy !req
392. Meow!Copy !req
393. OK. Let's introduce ourselves.Copy !req
394. - I'm Neil. -My name's Darren.Copy !req
395. Hello. I'm Julie.Copy !req
396. My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.Copy !req
397. - I lost three years of my... -We'll just go throughCopy !req
398. the names first, Jacqueline.Copy !req
399. I was in that stupid group therapy.Copy !req
400. - I'm Kelly. -I'm Maggie.Copy !req
401. - I'm Vince. So, Jacqueline,Copy !req
402. do you want to share?Copy !req
403. I lost three year of my life to heroin. Another fiveCopy !req
404. year on a methadone programmeCopy !req
405. that was meant to get us off it.Copy !req
406. But that's me clean now. I haven't thought once aboutCopy !req
407. going back on the smackCopy !req
408. till Tuesday, washing machine broke.Copy !req
409. Neighbour was like that, "You flooded us!Copy !req
410. That's the third time it's happened this month!"Copy !req
411. I was like that, "It's the second!" Third,Copy !req
412. second, third, second,Copy !req
413. stressed out your eyeballs.Copy !req
414. Felt like doing a charge of kit into my armCopy !req
415. right there and then.Copy !req
416. So here I am.Copy !req
417. I know how you feel. I lost four year of my lifeCopy !req
418. to heroin,Copy !req
419. and four on methadone.Copy !req
420. That's me been out of work for about six months now.Copy !req
421. The pressure—Copy !req
422. You lost, like, four year on the heroin and four years onCopy !req
423. the methadone. Eight year.Copy !req
424. - Aye. -Well, same here.Copy !req
425. I'm five and three.Copy !req
426. You're no worse than me.Copy !req
427. No, I know. We've all had it bad.Copy !req
428. Aye, so...Copy !req
429. So I've been unemployed for six months,Copy !req
430. but there's still bills that need to get paid,Copy !req
431. and the pressure—Copy !req
432. Hold on. You were on the heroinCopy !req
433. for a year more than me,Copy !req
434. but methadone for a year less.Copy !req
435. - I think so. -Methadone's worse.Copy !req
436. I lost five year on methadone. You only lostCopy !req
437. four. Methadone's worse.Copy !req
438. Aye, for some.Copy !req
439. Methadone's worse. We all agree, don't we? Methadone'sCopy !req
440. worse than heroin, in't it?Copy !req
441. Well, not for me.Copy !req
442. Oh, no, not for you. Not for Princess.Copy !req
443. Well, I thought a lot about heroin over theCopy !req
444. last couple of months,Copy !req
445. despite having lost everything to it.Copy !req
446. It's just the pressure—Copy !req
447. - Pretty much.Copy !req
448. - My sons.Copy !req
449. Aye, well, getting two weans back is better thanCopy !req
450. getting one.Copy !req
451. I've not got them back!Copy !req
452. This isn't a competition, hen.Copy !req
453. Can I get a shot?Copy !req
454. You've lost three year to heroin,Copy !req
455. another five to methadone.Copy !req
456. Well, I've lost three to heroin...Copy !req
457. but I only lost three to methadone.Copy !req
458. All right?Copy !req
459. Come here, you, you bastard!Copy !req
460. You want the plateCopy !req
461. There's the plate! Rub your face in it,Copy !req
462. ya bastard!Copy !req
463. How about you?Copy !req
464. Hmm?Copy !req