Limmy's Show! 2x6

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A tramp falls in love with a heart-shaped balloon, a 1960s pop star tries to make a comeback, Jacqueline treats herself to dinner at a fancy restaurant, and a caller flirts with Falconhoof. Elsewhere, Limmy shows off his spoon-playing skills. Sketch show, starring Brian Limond.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. So, you're gaun' for a walk,

2. and in the distance you spot somebody you know.

3. But in the time it takes you to reach that person,

4. you don't want to be starin' at them, watchin' them walk.

5. That sort of thing makes people feel uncomfortable, doesn't it?

6. So you look at your nails, you look at the sky,

7. you look at the ground, you look at your mate.

8. You look at your nails, at the sky, at the ground, at your mate.

9. You look at your nails, you look at the sky,

10. at the ground, at your mate. at your nails,

11. at the sky, at the ground, at your mate. You look at your nails...

12. There's been a clash of heads! There's been a clash of heads!

13. There's been a clash of heads!

14. - All right? - All right?

15. Thank you.

16. Hello, my name's Raymond Day and welcome to Paraside.

17. OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

18. OK, can some... OK, sweetheart.

19. Can some... This is quite a sad one,

20. but hopefully we'll find a happy ending here.

21. Can someone understand, please,

22. I have here a lady on spirit,

23. who has the most amazing shoes.

24. She's the type of lady who would always say, "I have to have those shoes."

25. - You, sir? - It might be my wife.

26. OK, and can you understand the shoes?

27. She loved her shoes.

28. OK, she's come through for you.

29. She's telling me now...

30. I really feel for you, sweetheart,

31. she's telling me now that since she passed over

32. you just... Every day has been a struggle for you.

33. You just haven't been able to get over her passing.

34. She's telling me that you have been grieving for too long,

35. for too long. And she really misses you.

36. Really misses you, because, you see, where she is right now,

37. it's just like one big party. Everybody's there.

38. She's in such a good place right now.

39. But without you there,

40. and this is her words, not mine, "It's a bit pish."

41. - OK?

42. You know what you have to do.

43. OK, that's her telling me.

44. You know what you have to do.

45. I don't know what she means by that, but do you understand this?

46. OK. I'll leave her love with you,

47. and she's just saying,

48. "I can't wait to show you the shoes."

49. OK? Thank you.

50. - Are you getting dessert? - No.

51. I'll just take these away for you.

52. Are you wanting to order dessert?

53. - Nothing for me, thanks. - Sticky toffee pudding, please.

54. No bother. Do you want me to bring two spoons over?

55. No, just one.

56. Do you ever get the feeling that you don't really know what you're doin'?

57. In general.

58. Has anybody ever asked you, "What'd you do that for?"

59. And you're like that, "I don't know."

60. Have you ever worn something that you thought looked good

61. and everybody else thought looked crap?

62. Have you ever said aye to something to which you should have said no?

63. Something you really didnae want to do.

64. You were asked the question, you thought, "No, no way"

65. but out came, "Aye, all right, aye, why not?"

66. In fact, do you ever get the feeling

67. that fae the day you're born to the day you die

68. you havenae got a clue what you're doin'?

69. Do you? Aye, well, here...

70. Join the club!

71. You are my dream girl.

72. You are the woman of my dreams.

73. Gonnae brush your teeth?

74. We have come to take you with us!

75. - What? Into the deep. - Huh?

76. Come with us. - No, oh, no, no, no, no!

77. No, don't take me, take him!

78. Very well.

79. No! No! No!

80. No!

81. Help us!

82. Terry Mercy, voice of the '60s,

83. the man they dubbed "High Note".

84. And here he is now as he prepares to take the stage

85. at the Royal Variety Performance.

86. How are you feeling? Don't be nervous, you'll blast it.

87. I am so glad my father's agreed to do this.

88. I've been trying to convince him for years to get back in the saddle,

89. that he's still got it, he's still got an audience.

90. Five minutes!

91. The Royal Variety asked him on for his 70th.

92. He tried to say no, but I says, "No, you've got to say yes."

93. He says, "But no, I can't, I can't do it, I don't want to do it.

94. I can't hit the high note any more. I can't. Please don't make me do it."

95. I says, "Look, you have to do it, Dad,

96. you have to do it, you have to, you must do it,

97. because if you do it, if you do hit the high note,

98. you'll be back, you'll be back.

99. You'll be touring again, you'll have laid all the demons to rest,

100. the alcohol, the breakdown, will be in the past,

101. you have to, you have to hit the high note, Dad.

102. You have to! You have to do this!"

103. You're on!

104. That's you, Dad, this is it. This is it.

105. I'm sorry, I cannae do this.

106. You're finished.

107. It's over. It's all over.

108. - Here you go. - Thanks.

109. And I brought you another spoon, just in case.

110. - Hm. Oh! - Oh!

111. I want to take you away,

112. take you to places you've never been. Morocco...

113. I've been to Morocco. It's shite, they all stare at you.

114. Ah, glad you could join me.

115. - And what do you want? - I want to talk.

116. I gave you my decision.

117. I see.

118. Then perhaps you could be persuaded... by this?

119. Such a shame if it was to fall into the wrong hands, don't you agree?

120. Yes. I thought you would bring that up.

121. Which is why I had it swapped.

122. Looking for this?

123. Ah, yes, I thought you would somehow get your hands on it.

124. So I took the precaution of making... a copy.

125. Yes, I thought you would.

126. I would expect nothing less.

127. Which is why I made a copy, too.

128. Ah.

129. I thought you would.

130. Which is why, er...

131. These ground-floor flats,

132. you try not to look in but you just cannae help it.

133. Must be a nightmare.

134. Hey! You sitting in that chair.

135. I was just saying that... I didnae mean to look in your windae.

136. It must be a nightmare...

137. - How was that for you? - Great, thanks.

138. Eeeeeeeee.

139. Whoo!

140. Thank you for helping us earlier.

141. That's OK.

142. Join us.

143. But we mean him no harm.

144. Neither do we. Look, how's about we have a little chat?

145. - OK. - In private.

146. You're watching Adventure Call.

147. My name is Falconhoof

148. and I will be your guide on your quest.

149. Greetings, Line Two, what is your name, traveller?

150. Hi!

151. Hello there, traveller, what is your...

152. Hi, Falconhoof. Guess who?

153. - I do not know. Guess.

154. Ah, a game. I do like a good riddle.

155. - Uh, is it... Joanne? No.

156. Is it...

157. I do not know. Would you like to play?

158. Och, you're nae fun. It's Stacey.

159. Greetings, Stacey, would you... Stacey?

160. Aye. I just want to thank you for the other night.

161. No, thank you. Would you like to play?

162. Mm. "Would you like to play?"

163. That's bringing it all back to me.

164. Right, on you go.

165. You awake in Voldesade's dungeon.

166. To the north is a locked door.

167. To your side is a skeleton.

168. What would you like to do?

169. A dungeon?

170. Have you got me chained up?

171. - No, you are not chained. - Chain me up.

172. Very well.

173. You are chained to the wall.

174. Mmm! What am I wearing?

175. You are wearing a... short

176. sort of... torn piece of leather.

177. You have gold—

178. Is that the same beard?

179. Sorry, traveller?

180. Is that the same beard you've got on?

181. The one you used the other night?

182. Stacey, don't. The, um...

183. There is a door to the north.

184. Are they the same boots?

185. - Stacey... - Call me traveller.

186. - Traveller. - Hold on.

187. Who's Joanne?

188. Joanne?

189. I said, "Guess who?" and you said, "Joanne."

190. I was merely playing your guessing game.

191. Aye, but why did you say Joanne?

192. It was the first name that came into my head.

193. Well, actually, I was going to say Rumpelstiltskin,

194. but I didn't think you would understand...

195. What? Rumpel what?

196. That's what I mean, traveller.

197. Rumpelstiltskin is the story where...

198. Don't call me traveller, I'm serious.

199. I know people that are watching this tonight

200. and the first name you come away wi' is Joanne?

201. - Stacey... - You're no' that good.

202. I don't know if you think you can take me for granted

203. cos you're on the telly or whatever,

204. but if I think I'm getting played for a fool here,

205. I can go as quickly back to Stuart as I left him.

206. And when it comes to that department, believe me,

207. you're no' that good.

208. - Do you hear me? - Aye.

209. Right, I better go. I'll see you on Wednesday, right?

210. - Right. - In fact, make it Thursday.

211. - I see.

212. Let's take another call.

213. Love. It is a river.

214. A stream. A waterfall.

215. It is an ocean between us.

216. - It is a wave that washes... - You're goin' bald.

217. Hello, if you would like a taxi

218. to your usual address, please press one.

219. - Your taxi has been booked.

220. Hello. Your taxi will be arriving shortly.

221. Please make your way outside.

222. I mean, don't get me wrang, mate, I've got nothing against them.

223. I mean, they're white, these Eastern Europeans, they're white.

224. They're like us. If I was one of them, I'd come over here and all.

225. Everything's handed to you on a plate.

226. Free house, washing machine,

227. and a job that pays three times...

228. Aye, it's all done wi' computers nowadays.

229. In fact, that's what they do, don't they?

230. Bring the whole family over. Ten to a room.

231. Do you want a magazine?

232. What's this all about?

233. - Look at their faces. - What? They look fine to me.

234. What do you mean they look...

235. What do you mean they look fine? They...

236. Fuckin'...

237. I don't know.

238. A few months ago I was just like this,

239. trying to write something for my show.

240. But nothing was coming to me,

241. until a wee voice inside my head said...

242. So that's what I did.

243. And you know what I wrote?

244. You just heard it.

245. Gonnae get the rest of the bags in fae the motor?

246. I'll get the bags in a minute, hen.

247. I've got some crackin' news.

248. While you were out, Flannigan came round,

249. - and he said he was... - What was he wantin'? Was he threatenin' you?

250. We're no' gonnae be getting hassle wi' Flannigan ever again.

251. Nae more money lenders, nae more debts, nae more threats.

252. That's the lot paid aff in full.

253. Paid aff? Where did you get ten grand fae?

254. I didnae. That's the cracking thing about it.

255. Me and Flannigan just came to a wee... arrangement.

256. What kind o' arrangement?

257. Well, go and sit down, I'll tell you.

258. What are you wantin' me to sit down for?

259. Mark, what have you done? Hold on.

260. - Jamie? - Sandra...

261. - Mark, where's Jamie? - Right, now just calm down.

262. Flannigan, he came round, he said he was willing to drop the whole debt...

263. if we gave him Jamie.

264. What? You sellt him our son?

265. Of course I didnae sell him, for fuck's sake.

266. Flannigan just wants him for a few days. That's all.

267. A few days? What's he gonnae do wi' him for a few days?

268. What's he gonnae do to my Jamie?

269. I don't know, all right? I don't know! I don't know. I don't want to know.

270. All I know is that, in a few days, that debt will be gone.

271. Now, come on, that's brilliant, isn't it?

272. What's brilliant about it? I leave you on your ain for five minutes

273. - and you hire out our fuckin' wean! - What would you have done?

274. Cos it was either that or he was smashin' in our windaes.

275. Are you meaning to tell me that you would put our son in the hands of that psycho

276. rather than have a couple of our windaes put in?

277. Oh, no, no, no.

278. Flannigan wasnae just gonnae put in a couple o' our windaes.

279. Flannigan said he was gonnae put in every single windae in this house!

280. And he meant it. You know what Flannigan's like, he's a madman.

281. - We would have been freezin'. - Exactly.

282. Penny for your thoughts?

283. I hate that sound you make when you smile.

284. Right, wait till you see this.

285. What's up with their faces?

286. - So you see that? - Aye.

287. Thank God, I thought it was just me.

288. Imagine looking like that. - Aye.

289. Keep going.

290. Wouldnae fancy bumping into him.

291. What are you starin' at me for?

292. Cos the last time I looked over my shoulder, I...

293. Kill him! - Ahhh!

294. No! No!

295. Oh! No!

296. Ah! I'm in control!

297. - I made you move!

298. Where the hell are you? It's 20 past six.

299. We're supposed to be going to the pictures...

300. Caunle.

301. Haundle.

302. Scaundle!

303. Right, that's me.

304. Aye, gie us a chocolate chouks.

305. A what?

306. I'm up the bloody tree!

307. I'm up't 'bloody tree!

308. I'm up't 'bloody tree!

309. I'm up't 'bloody tree!

310. I'm up't 'bloody tree!

311. I'm up't-

312. - tree!

313. I'm up't-

314. - tree!

315. I'm up-

316. Up't bloody tree!

317. Well, ladies and gentlemen,

318. that's the end of the show and the end of the series.

319. See you later.

320. Argh!