1. Welcome to Limmy's Show!Copy !req
2. Imagine you were brilliant at
everything.Copy !req
3. 180!Copy !req
4. You were the fastest.Copy !req
5. A marathon in just over
an hour, it's unheard of!Copy !req
6. The strongest.Copy !req
7. Oh, he's just showing off
now.Copy !req
8. The cleverest.Copy !req
9. Argh!Copy !req
10. Quite right! Quite right!Copy !req
11. You're just brilliant
at every single thing
you put your mind to.Copy !req
12. Is it going to be
Scotland 10, Brazil 0?Copy !req
13. Imagine it.Copy !req
14. It is.Copy !req
15. Imagine you were absolutely
brilliant at everything.Copy !req
16. Be brilliant, wouldn't it?Copy !req
17. Pardon!Copy !req
18. If you want one,
get one.Copy !req
19. No, can't justify spending
30, 40 quid a month
on something I hardly use.Copy !req
20. Watch.Copy !req
21. Look at this idiot.
It's a one way street.Copy !req
22. Aye, so, 30, 40...Copy !req
23. What's up?Copy !req
24. - What was that?
- What was what?Copy !req
25. That song.Copy !req
26. What song?
Oh, right, that. Don't know.
Just a wee song I made up.Copy !req
27. - You made that up?
- Aye.Copy !req
28. That's beautiful.Copy !req
29. Stay tuned, folks.
This could get interesting.Copy !req
30. Hello. My name's Raymond Day.
Welcome to Paraside.Copy !req
31. OK. Let's see
where the spirit takes us.Copy !req
32. OK. Can someone understand,
please? I have here someone
on spiritCopy !req
33. who wishes to connect with
a lady who is with a manCopy !req
34. that had to be
dragged along here today.Copy !req
35. - Yeah.
- You understand this?Copy !req
36. It could be my mum.Copy !req
37. It could be Mum. OK.
So, who's this?
Is this partner? Brother?Copy !req
38. - Yeah, my fiancé.
- Your fiancé? Oh, lucky man.Copy !req
39. OK, good, because
Mum's telling me nowCopy !req
40. that when she was on
this side of lifeCopy !req
41. she really took a shine
to fiancé.Copy !req
42. She really liked him.
And that she likes him
no more.Copy !req
43. Wonder what this is about.
She's telling me that since
passing to spiritCopy !req
44. she's seen a cheeky side to
fiancé that he keeps hidden
from you, darling.Copy !req
45. Like, do you remember
the timeCopy !req
46. you thought you could smell
Mum's perfume in the car?Copy !req
47. - Yeah, maybe.
- OK. That wasn't Mum.Copy !req
48. OK. Do you understand this?
She's gonna get him into
trouble, isn't she?Copy !req
49. He's a total effing c.Copy !req
50. He's a total effing...
That's her words, not mine.Copy !req
51. A total effing c,
that one.Copy !req
52. And...
And that's her leaving now.Copy !req
53. And she's just saying,
"Get the test. Get the test.Copy !req
54. Effing c.
Eff... Total effing c."Copy !req
55. I'll leave her love
with you, OK. Thank you.Copy !req
56. That's funny.
Looks like pish.Copy !req
57. Smells like pish.Copy !req
58. So...Copy !req
59. - Yeahh!Copy !req
60. Check the state of
him, man!Copy !req
61. That old guy's
off his nut.Copy !req
62. Yeahh, ha, ha.Copy !req
63. Oh, my God! That's my
dad. Dad, slow down!
Your heart! Your heart!Copy !req
64. Don't stop me, son.
I'm having the time
of my life. Yeahh!Copy !req
65. All right, Johnny boy.
How's it going, my man?Copy !req
66. What's that? Go out
for a drink? Aye, why not?
See you in a bit.Copy !req
67. Now, where was I?Copy !req
68. So, before you close
your laptop...Copy !req
69. Get your finger
on that one. Got it?Copy !req
70. - Hold on.
- Make sure
you're holding it down.Copy !req
71. - I think that's me, aye.
- Got it?
- Aye.Copy !req
72. Right, everybody.
I think that's me.Copy !req
73. Don't.
You'll make me nervous.Copy !req
74. Don't be.
We're all here to see you.Copy !req
75. We all love you.Copy !req
76. Right. This is something
I came up with last week.Copy !req
77. It was Des's idea to get you
all round, so if you
don't like it, blame him.Copy !req
78. And it goes a little
something like... this.Copy !req
79. That's my boy!Copy !req
80. You're right.
It is beautiful.Copy !req
81. Your father
would be proud.Copy !req
82. He's gonna be huge.Copy !req
83. Thank you for joining us. My
name is Larry Forsyth and
with me is Dr Stewart.Copy !req
84. This week, Dr Stewart
will be administering me
with Vantage,Copy !req
85. a drug first used as early as
the 16th century
by witchesCopy !req
86. as they believed
it gave them
the power of foresight.Copy !req
87. An hour and a half later
I was beginning to feel
definite effects.Copy !req
88. - Can you describe—
- Can you describe...Copy !req
89. your thoughts and feelings
at this moment?Copy !req
90. - Yes, carry on.
- Well, can you?
- Well, can you?Copy !req
91. - Larry, could you—
- [both continue to talk
simultaneously]Copy !req
92. if you can't,Copy !req
93. we won't be able to glean
any information about the
effects...Copy !req
94. At this point in the
experiment I had to be
subdued.Copy !req
95. I've foreseen this.Copy !req
96. All right, Limmy?Copy !req
97. - All right, Roddy.
How's it going?
- Not bad, mate.Copy !req
98. What
have you been up to?Copy !req
99. Usual shit. Just, bit of
work, watching the telly and
that. What about you?Copy !req
100. Pretty much the same.
Oh, me and Angie have got a
wean, now. A wee lassie.Copy !req
101. And we've got a flat in
Shawlands. D'you not hang
about Shawlands any more?Copy !req
102. No, I got a bit sick of
seeing the same old faces.
That was a sore hit you gave.Copy !req
103. Aye! I know what you mean
about getting sick of it.Copy !req
104. Me and Angie love it there,
but we're not getting out as
much now the wean's here.Copy !req
105. Oh, you've got a wean?
Congratulations.Copy !req
106. You not hear me?
Are you deaf?Copy !req
107. No, it's just
when you slapped us
I couldn't concentrate.Copy !req
108. A wee lassie. Becky.
She's calmed me right down.Copy !req
109. - Who'd have thought it?
- Aye, I know.Copy !req
110. Well, listen.
I'll let you get on.Copy !req
111. - Good to see you, my man.
- Good to see you and all.
- See you later.Copy !req
112. See you.Copy !req
113. Sorry. I don't mean
to dampen the mood,Copy !req
114. but that is seriously
gonna do my nut in
for the rest of the show.Copy !req
115. All right. Here are your
choices. You can either
restart or postpone.Copy !req
116. Take your pick.Copy !req
117. Are... Are you gonna restart?
Are you sure?Copy !req
118. Are you sure? What about the
work you've still got open?
Are you sure?Copy !req
119. Yeah, that's it.
Just think about this.
Take a moment.Copy !req
120. I see. You're gonna go for
postpone. That's very wise.
Gives you more time.Copy !req
121. How long for? Now
this one really is up to you.Copy !req
122. Ten minutes,
one hour, three hours?Copy !req
123. No, don't go for ten minutes,
go for three hours.Copy !req
124. If it turns out to be too
long, you can always go back
and restart.Copy !req
125. If you're thinking of three
hours, go ahead and click it.Copy !req
126. Good choice.Copy !req
127. All right?Copy !req
128. D'you want to know
why I'm smiling?Copy !req
129. All right. Come here and I'll
let you in on a wee secret.Copy !req
130. Just bought myself
a new pair of socks.Copy !req
131. Not just
any kind of socks.Copy !req
132. Not the kind you buy in a
pack of five for a couple of
quid.Copy !req
133. I'm talking about the kind of
socks that make you go like
that. "Pfft!Copy !req
134. I'm not paying that
for a pair of socks!"Copy !req
135. Expensive pair. Good pair.Copy !req
136. Look.Copy !req
137. What are you looking
so happy about?Copy !req
138. Nothing. Just happy.Copy !req
139. - Yeahh!Copy !req
140. Gonna somebody
stop my dad from dancing.Copy !req
141. He's got something
wrong with this heart!Copy !req
142. Don't come near me, son.
Just let me go out like this.Copy !req
143. - But Dad,
you're all I've got.
- I miss her, son.Copy !req
144. I wanna show you something.Copy !req
145. Whoaagh!Copy !req
146. You like this?Copy !req
147. Aye. Made me smile.Copy !req
148. You want this for you?Copy !req
149. Aye.Copy !req
150. I give you good price.Copy !req
151. In there.Copy !req
152. Nay!Copy !req
153. You forget something.Copy !req
154. Now, go. Have good time.Copy !req
155. Now, go.Copy !req
156. Tell your friends
I give good smile.Copy !req
157. 3-D tellies, uh?Copy !req
158. You buy it, you bring it
home, you plug it in.Copy !req
159. You can hardly wait to watch
all that glorious—Copy !req
160. Where is it?Copy !req
161. Stop. My neighbour's
at it again. Stop.Copy !req
162. Where's what,
you fucking alcoholic?Copy !req
163. - Where's my bottle?
- What fucking bottle?Copy !req
164. The bottle I left
in the fridge.Copy !req
165. You drank it
about half an hour ago.Copy !req
166. Can you not remember,
you fucking alcoholic?Copy !req
167. I'm not an alcoholic.Copy !req
168. - Aye, you are.
- There it is there.Copy !req
169. You're drinking it.
That's my bottle!Copy !req
170. That's not your bottle.
That's my bottle.Copy !req
171. You don't even buy wine.
You don't even buy wine.Copy !req
172. You're a stupid cow.Copy !req
173. Who are you calling a cow?Copy !req
174. - You.
- Shut up, the pair of you.Copy !req
175. - Dad, did you buy wine?
- Alkie bastard.Copy !req
176. No. Don't. Don't...Copy !req
177. Dad, did you buy wine?Copy !req
178. No.Copy !req
179. - Right. 3-D tellies—
- Cow!
- Oh, f...!Copy !req
180. Cow!Copy !req
181. - Cow!
- Dad, gonna not!Copy !req
182. Stop!Copy !req
183. - Your ma's a cow.
- Gonna not.Copy !req
184. Who are you calling a cow?Copy !req
185. - Do you want your bottle?
- No, don't!Copy !req
186. - There's your bottle!
- You've cut him!Copy !req
187. - I'm gonna kill her.
- He's bleeding.Copy !req
188. - I'm gonna kill her!
- Don't move, Dad.Copy !req
189. - I'm gonna kill her.
- Help, son.
He's gonna kill me.Copy !req
190. - Don't you leave me.
- Hold him,
he's gonna kill me.Copy !req
191. - Do you think I should
phone the...Copy !req
192. - Hold him down!
- I'm gonna kill you!Copy !req
193. - Fuck you, you bastard.
- Don't!Copy !req
194. - Take that, you alcoholic.
- You're killing him.Copy !req
195. Die, you fucking bastard.
Die!Copy !req
196. - You've killed him!
- Die!
- You've killed my dad.Copy !req
197. Finally.Copy !req
198. Forget it!Copy !req
199. Ah, sorry, mate.
That's mine.Copy !req
200. - Did you just find that
tenner there?
- Aye.Copy !req
201. - Ah, sorry, mate.
That's mine.
- Oh, sorry.Copy !req
202. No, it's cool. You keep it.Copy !req
203. I don't want it.Copy !req
204. Yet!Copy !req
205. That's us here, mate.
That'll be £9.60.Copy !req
206. I'm sorry, mate.
I don't have any money.Copy !req
207. You'd better!Copy !req
208. Here. You keep it.Copy !req
209. For now!Copy !req
210. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
211. This time!Copy !req
212. That's £9.85, please.Copy !req
213. Ha!Copy !req
214. Stop it. I don't want it!
Take it. Just take it.Copy !req
215. - Please!
- Here, mate.Copy !req
216. You dropped a tenner.Copy !req
217. I'll never stop. Ever.Copy !req
218. So, if you find a tenner,
or a twenty, or
even just a fiver,Copy !req
219. you pick it up,
you keep hold of it.Copy !req
220. When you next see me,
you give us it back!Copy !req
221. No!Copy !req
222. - Don't end up like him.Copy !req
223. I love these socks.Copy !req
224. They're like the best socks
I've ever had in my life.Copy !req
225. Expensive. Very expensive.Copy !req
226. But, well worth it.Copy !req
227. Best socks ever, man.Copy !req
228. Hold him. Somebody hold
him. You've got to
stop him from dancing!Copy !req
229. Got off me!
Leave me! Yeahh!Copy !req
230. Dad, don't. Please!
Your heart.Copy !req
231. - I miss your ma, son.
I miss her too much.
- Dad, don't leave me.Copy !req
232. I'm coming to get you, hen.
Yeahh! Yeahh!Copy !req
233. So... tell me
why you're here.Copy !req
234. I've, er, written a bit of a
song and I think you might be
interested—Copy !req
235. - A bit of a song?
- Aye.
- Not a whole song?Copy !req
236. No.Copy !req
237. - Not an album of songs?
- No.Copy !req
238. Just a bit of a song?Copy !req
239. Aye. But I've been told it's
really good.
My friends and family—Copy !req
240. - Who was it gave you
this meeting?
- Your assistant.Copy !req
241. I sang it down the phone
to him and he said...Copy !req
242. Yeah, that would be Malcolm.
I'll have to
have a word with him.Copy !req
243. You seem like a nice guy,
but I'm gonna be blunt.Copy !req
244. I want you to leave.Copy !req
245. All right, no bother. Thanks
for... taking a moment...Copy !req
246. - What was that?
- That song.
- It's beautiful.Copy !req
247. Thanks a lot, mate.Copy !req
248. You're right.
It is beautiful.Copy !req
249. - What would you know?
- That's my boy.Copy !req
250. Oh, shut up,
you old cow.Copy !req
251. Your father
would be proud.Copy !req
252. I'm sorry, Dad.Copy !req
253. - Your father would be proud.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
254. Star!Copy !req
255. Yay!Copy !req
256. Introducing Limmy
and his sensational
number one debut smash,Copy !req
257. "Wrong Way
Down A One Way Street".Copy !req
258. Includes HD video content of
the live Glasgow Scala
session...Copy !req
259. as well as the Limmy and
Jimmy charity duet with Jimmy
Somerville.Copy !req
260. Available on CD
and download now.Copy !req
261. Yay!Copy !req
262. Sorry for interrupting the
show, but honestly,
that was...Copy !req
263. I don't know how sore that
looked to you, but it was
really...Copy !req
264. I've never had to use
one of these before.Copy !req
265. Can you believe it? It's not
right, just running up to
somebody and...Copy !req
266. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no!Copy !req
267. Fuckin'... I was up watching
the teletext.Copy !req
268. Mad with it.Copy !req
269. Just playing daft quizzes and
checking out the weather.Copy !req
270. And then I stumbles onto
their jobs search thing.Copy !req
271. All these jobs
nobody wants to do,Copy !req
272. like cleaning up
people's shit after them
for pure pish money.Copy !req
273. But I was out of my face and
things started
taking my fancy.Copy !req
274. One of them was
for something likeCopy !req
275. "Do you want to help out in
you community?" and that.Copy !req
276. "We'll train you up, show you
new skills. You'll be helping
out the old ones.Copy !req
277. Helping out the young ones.
Most of all, you'll be
helping out yourself."Copy !req
278. Let's do it.Copy !req
279. So, I leave them a message.Copy !req
280. Hello, my name's Derek Durie.
I'm phoning about the job.Copy !req
281. Pure rabbits on for ages
cos my head's mangled.Copy !req
282. I've never had a job before,Copy !req
283. but I think this might be the
thing to get us out of
first gear.Copy !req
284. I ended up having to leave
about 20 messages cos
my time kept running out.Copy !req
285. Aye. Hello, it's Derek
again...Copy !req
286. Until I conks out.Copy !req
287. - Ten hours later, middle of
the afternoon, phone goes.Copy !req
288. Hello?Copy !req
289. - "Hi. Can I speak to
Derek Durie, please?"
- Aye, speaking.Copy !req
290. "Oh, hi, Derek. My name's
Jessica. We just heard your
message, or messagesCopy !req
291. and you sound wonderful.
You're just what we're after.
Very enthusiastic.Copy !req
292. Would you be able to come in
for an interview?
It's just a formality.Copy !req
293. They've pretty much decided
they would love to get you
started right away."Copy !req
294. Who is this?Copy !req
295. "Oh, sorry. This is
Jessica, from Restart.Copy !req
296. You phoned about the job."Copy !req
297. Oh, right. Sorry.
Not interested.Copy !req
298. "I see. If it's the interview
that's putting you off,Copy !req
299. you've got nothing
to worry about.Copy !req
300. You'll definitely get
the job."Copy !req
301. No. I'm not interested.Copy !req
302. "But you seemed so
enthusiastic on the phone.Copy !req
303. Derek, if you're feeling
nervous about getting
into work,Copy !req
304. I can completely understand.Copy !req
305. We always give people time to
adjust and before too long,
you won't look back.Copy !req
306. Derek, please say yes."Copy !req
307. Not interested.Copy !req
308. "Well, that's a shame.Copy !req
309. Bye for now, but if
you change your mind,
give us a call."Copy !req
310. - Right.Copy !req
311. Just wasn't interested.Copy !req
312. Psst. Come here.Copy !req
313. Bottles of water. Right?
Water.Copy !req
314. 55 pence. 79 pence.
A couple of quid.Copy !req
315. It's not much, but it
all adds up, doesn't it?Copy !req
316. Right, now. Come here.Copy !req
317. Come here.Copy !req
318. Are you watching this? Keep
your eyes on this bit here,
right?Copy !req
319. Water. Pure water.
Any time I want it, day
or night. Free of charge.Copy !req
320. And it tastes just like every
other kind of water out
there. It tastes...Copy !req
321. of fuck all.Copy !req
322. Cheers!Copy !req
323. Cut!Copy !req
324. - It's not real, is it?
- Aye.Copy !req
325. - It's not real water,
is it?
- Aye. Taste it.Copy !req
326. - How much did that cost you?
- Nothing.Copy !req
327. - Where do you get it from?
- When we moved in.
They left it.Copy !req
328. You've got to try this.
Is it all right
if I let them...?Copy !req
329. - Tastes of absolutely
nothing.
- That's water.Copy !req
330. - That one tastes the same as
that.
- They're all brilliant.Copy !req
331. - You have a shot at that one.
- That is absolutely
beautiful. Try that.Copy !req
332. That's gorgeous.
Try it out of the bowl.Copy !req
333. Water!Copy !req
334. - Cheers!
- Can I bring my
mates round?Copy !req
335. Right.Copy !req
336. That's enough!
I won't tell you again!Copy !req
337. - That's enough!
- Behave yourself!Copy !req
338. Hey!Copy !req
339. Ho, get away from the motor!
Go on.Copy !req
340. Hey.Copy !req
341. Hey!Copy !req
342. Get away from the motor, the
lot of you! Stop tormenting
the dog!Copy !req
343. Hey!Copy !req
344. I'm warning you! See if I
have to come down there! Stop
tormenting the dog.Copy !req
345. Hold on! That's not my motor.
That's my... Hey!Copy !req
346. Get away from the motor.
Stop tormenting the dog. Ho!Copy !req
347. Here we, here we,
Here we fucking go!Copy !req
348. Here we, here we,
Here we fucking go.Copy !req
349. The number 9 isn't 10.Copy !req
350. The number 11
isn't 10.Copy !req
351. Although these two numbers
are almost 10,
they can never be 10.Copy !req
352. They are... untenable!Copy !req
353. You can add 1 to 9
to make it 10,Copy !req
354. but it would no longer
be 9.Copy !req
355. It would be 10.
Same with 11.Copy !req
356. Well, 9 is 9 and 11 is 11.
They are... untenable.Copy !req
357. Their positions are
untenable.Copy !req
358. Numbers should therefore
be as follows.Copy !req
359. 13, 14, et cetera.Copy !req
360. No, they shouldn't, because
all these numbers bar one is
untenable.Copy !req
361. And that's the number 10.
The only number should be
10. No more, no less.Copy !req
362. Let me give you
a real-world example.Copy !req
363. People are born with
10 fingers.Copy !req
364. That's because we know deep
down, before we're even born,Copy !req
365. that 10 should be the only
number.Copy !req
366. Some people are born with
less than 10 fingers.Copy !req
367. That's because these fingers
were untenable
and they had to go.Copy !req
368. This... This is so wrong!Copy !req
369. If this is wrong, I don't
ever want to be right.Copy !req
370. Cheers!Copy !req
371. - She's either in this one or
the next one up, maybe.
"Turn left."Copy !req
372. - I'm not sure about that.
- Aye, neither am I.Copy !req
373. I don't think
we're anywhere near her.Copy !req
374. I'm sure to get there you...Copy !req
375. Gonna switch that off or
uninstall it or something.
I'm sick of it!Copy !req
376. I can't. It's hard-wired in.
It's some stupid thing.Copy !req
377. - Aargh!Copy !req
378. There. It's off.
And now we're lost.Copy !req
379. All right, Roddy!Copy !req
380. Limmy! How did you get in?Copy !req
381. That's better!Copy !req
382. Well,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
383. That's the end of the show.
Hope you enjoyed it.
See you later.Copy !req
384. Ahh!Copy !req
385. Argh.Copy !req
386. Ha-ha!Copy !req
387. Aargh!Copy !req