1. Welcome to Limmy's Show.Copy !req
2. I've got somebody
coming round later,
somebody very important.Copy !req
3. Get this place tidied up!Copy !req
4. Enjoy the show.Copy !req
5. My name's
Jacqueline McCafferty.Copy !req
6. I lost three years
of my life on heroinCopy !req
7. and another five years
on a methadone programmeCopy !req
8. that was meant to
get us off it.Copy !req
9. So, when I found out that
Marti Pellow was gonna beCopy !req
10. signing copies of
his new solo album,
I was there in a heartbeat.Copy !req
11. Marti! Marti!Copy !req
12. Cos Marti Pellow's
my hero.Copy !req
13. When I was
going through recovery,
he was my inspiration.Copy !req
14. I knew that if
he could get through it,
I could get through it.Copy !req
15. I fuckin' love you, man.Copy !req
16. All right?Copy !req
17. All right, Marti?Copy !req
18. My name's
Jacqueline McCafferty.Copy !req
19. You've got no idea how much
of an inspiration
you are to me, mate.Copy !req
20. It must be amazing
being such an inspiration
to so many people.Copy !req
21. So many junkies
all round the world.Copy !req
22. Cos we've been to hell
and back. Nobody knows you
like I know you.Copy !req
23. You know what I mean? I lost
three years of my life to
heroin, another five ye—Copy !req
24. Aye. It's a time I want to
forget, Jackie.Copy !req
25. So, what do you want me
to write on the album?Copy !req
26. Aye. Gonna put,
"To Jacqueline. We got
through it... together."Copy !req
27. No bother.Copy !req
28. Don't worry. I'm not gonna
go and tell the papers
we were shaggingCopy !req
29. or anything like that.
I just mean that
you were a junkie an' all.Copy !req
30. We got to the other side
together. Know what I mean?Copy !req
31. What what is it you were
doing anyway? Papers didnae
say. Were you cooking it,Copy !req
32. - or were you jagging, or—
- Look... I don't want to talk
about it, Jackie.Copy !req
33. How not? Are you ashamed of
it? I'm not.Copy !req
34. Well, to be honest, I am.Copy !req
35. It's nothing to be proud of
and I'd rather leave the past
where it belongs.Copy !req
36. Maybe you should as well.Copy !req
37. - I should be
ashamed of myself?
- I didnae say that.Copy !req
38. - Aye, you did.
- Now, look, Jackie.
I didnae say that.Copy !req
39. Don't "Jackie" me.
My name's not Jackie, it's
Jacqueline, all right?Copy !req
40. All right, Jackie...
Jacqueline. There's other
folk waiting, so, erm...Copy !req
41. I don't want to talk
about my past. I'm just
here to sign this CD—Copy !req
42. Well, get me to fuck, eh,
Marti? Your other wee fans
haven't got a clue about you.Copy !req
43. I'm the only daftie
that gets you and you're
getting me chucked out!Copy !req
44. Well, Marti, you can run away
from your past, but you
cannae run away from me.Copy !req
45. I'm here to remind everybody
you were a junkie. A junkie!
A junkie! A junkie!Copy !req
46. I know you better
than anybody, Marti!Copy !req
47. He was a junkie!Copy !req
48. I got up the road, stuck
his poxy daft wee CD on.Copy !req
49. Couldn't listen to it
for any more than a minute.Copy !req
50. His voice is fuck all
what it used to be.Copy !req
51. Cos you know what? He's
better off on the smack!Copy !req
52. It is a new craze
that is being slammedCopy !req
53. by politicians
and health experts alike.Copy !req
54. What can they do? We're not
breaking any laws.Copy !req
55. There's no drugs,
not even any booze.
That's the whole point.Copy !req
56. They call the practice
"clowning",Copy !req
57. so called after
Manfred Mann's 1967 hit
"Ha Ha Said The Clown".Copy !req
58. The participants create
an endless loop
of the chorus,Copy !req
59. listening to it for hours,
sometimes days.Copy !req
60. As the loop continues to
play, the mind employs
various coping techniquesCopy !req
61. to keep itself sane.Copy !req
62. We've been at it
since yesterday.Copy !req
63. Most people try
to shake it off with, er,
physical jerks or dancing.Copy !req
64. Some simply retreat into
a protective bubble
of introversion.Copy !req
65. And some can relive
their horrifying ordeal
many months later.Copy !req
66. Aye, that's one downside.
A trip to McDonald's is
ruled out for a few years.Copy !req
67. I've got one pal, he went in,
he saw the cardboard cut-out
of Ronald McDonaldCopy !req
68. and, no,
he's not been the same.Copy !req
69. I'm sure when the government
begins to seeCopy !req
70. the results of the long-term
damage in years to come,Copy !req
71. both societal damage and
damage to the individual,Copy !req
72. they'll introduce
the appropriate measures.Copy !req
73. And this will hopefully
persuade the participants to
move on to a...Copy !req
74. a less damaging form of
recreation.Copy !req
75. Never, man.
Never stop clowning.Copy !req
76. Never stop...
Clowns for life!Copy !req
77. Look, as long as you
underline the important
parts...Copy !req
78. Stop!Copy !req
79. There'll be nae crashes.Copy !req
80. Not today, not ever.Copy !req
81. - It's your first day as well?
- Aye. How are you doing?
- All right.Copy !req
82. So, where do you want to go?
What do you want to do?Copy !req
83. Could get started
with that guy.Copy !req
84. - What?
- In at the deep end.
- Are you into it?Copy !req
85. - Aye. Aye, on you go.
- What am I going to say?Copy !req
86. I don't know.
Just ask him, say...Copy !req
87. - Do you want to do it?
- Aye. I'll do it.Copy !req
88. No, no, no. It's all right.
I'll do it.Copy !req
89. - Here he comes. On you go.
- Right.Copy !req
90. - Morning, sir.
- Morning.Copy !req
91. Where are you going?Copy !req
92. I'm away to work.Copy !req
93. Right. Go on.Copy !req
94. That was brilliant!Copy !req
95. Ask the guy where he's going.
None of my business and...Copy !req
96. - And he tells you.
- He tells me.Copy !req
97. Don't even know the guy.Copy !req
98. - Best job in the world.
- Oh, it's starting to hit me
now.Copy !req
99. All right, it's decision
time. So, would you
rather have...Copy !req
100. Decide now.Copy !req
101. - OK. Have you decided?Copy !req
102. All right. All you need
to do now is just, er,
explain your decisionCopy !req
103. to your mate or a partner or
a stranger in the streetCopy !req
104. and, er, let them know what
you're after.Copy !req
105. And they'll take it from
there. See you.Copy !req
106. Erm...Copy !req
107. Can I have the...Copy !req
108. What do you think you're up
to, mate? This is a friendly
warning.Copy !req
109. Watson's the one guy
in this place you don't want
to mess with.Copy !req
110. I've had him chasing me.
What's so hard about it?
You struggling a wee bit?Copy !req
111. Do you need a hand with him?
All you need to do is ask.
I'm here to help...Copy !req
112. Is there some kinda problem
you're nae opening up about?Copy !req
113. And welcome back
to Carndook FM.Copy !req
114. Before the break I asked you
to give us a call
with your song requestsCopy !req
115. - and on the line now I have
Claire. You there, Claire?
- Hiya.Copy !req
116. - Hi, Claire. Where are you
calling from?
- I'm in Bishopbriggs. Yay!Copy !req
117. A big shout-out
to Bishopbriggs.Copy !req
118. So, what are you up to today,
Claire. Any big plans?Copy !req
119. Not really. Just at home
being a full-time mum,Copy !req
120. taking care of the kids,
keeping them out of trouble.Copy !req
121. Good on you, Claire.
So, what song
would you like to request?Copy !req
122. I'd like you to play
"Whenever You Need Somebody"
by Rick Astley.Copy !req
123. And why are you
requesting that?Copy !req
124. It's always been one of
my favourite songs.Copy !req
125. I was a big fan of Rick
Astley when I was youngCopy !req
126. and that one's always
stood out for me.Copy !req
127. No, what I mean is, er,Copy !req
128. why are you phoning
a radio station
to request a song?Copy !req
129. Well... so you'll play it.Copy !req
130. - Why don't you just play it
yourself?
- What?Copy !req
131. Well, you're in the house.
Why don't you just play it
yourself?Copy !req
132. I take it you've got it, I
take it you've got one of
your favourite songs, aye?Copy !req
133. Maybe. Aye.Copy !req
134. Well, go and play it, then.
If it's one of your favourite
songs, you've got it,Copy !req
135. you don't need my permission.
Go and play it.Copy !req
136. - It's yours. You own it.
- Well...Copy !req
137. Even if you've not got it,
I take it you're on the
internet.Copy !req
138. - I take it you're in the 21st
century like the rest of us.
- Aye.Copy !req
139. Just go and download it,
then. Or stream it.Copy !req
140. Just double click
and you'll get it like that.Copy !req
141. Rather than phoning
a radio stationCopy !req
142. on the off-chance
you'll be the one person
that gets through.Copy !req
143. I mean, that's nonsense,
Claire. You'll admit yourself
that's nonsense?Copy !req
144. - I suppose it—
- OK. Bye, Claire.Copy !req
145. OK, so this is
"Whenever You Need Somebody"
for Claire in Bishopbriggs.Copy !req
146. It works. It actually works.Copy !req
147. How are you doing?
I'm Limmy and I'm here to
tell you it actually works.Copy !req
148. I had nothing.
Now I've got everything.
Tons of mates, everything.Copy !req
149. Listen, get onto your
Facebooks, your Twitters
and tell them.Copy !req
150. Here, I'll prove it.Copy !req
151. Chart. Chart. Chart.Copy !req
152. I'm Bobby Carlyle.Copy !req
153. It actually works.Copy !req
154. Chart. Chart. Chart.Copy !req
155. I'm Michael Jackson.
It actually works.Copy !req
156. Chart.Copy !req
157. Chart.Copy !req
158. All joking aside, it does.Copy !req
159. These are lovely.
All the memories.Copy !req
160. - That's you in that one
there, see.
- Oh, aye.Copy !req
161. - Here, that's a lovely frame.
- And in here is, er...Copy !req
162. - Sorry about the mess.
- Oh, that's fine.Copy !req
163. Just need to look
where I'm standing.Copy !req
164. Sorry. And here's...Copy !req
165. Oh, hello.
I couldn't see you there.Copy !req
166. I'm not surprised
you couldn't see,
with all the mess.Copy !req
167. Oh, not to worry.Copy !req
168. Aye. Come on.
I'll show you next door.Copy !req
169. - Lovely size of room.
- Yeah.Copy !req
170. Bye!Copy !req
171. Oh! Here, I nearly
stood on a plug there.Copy !req
172. - Sorry.Copy !req
173. Spotted the suspect. Over.Copy !req
174. - What are you doing?
- You are under arrest. You do
not have to say anythingCopy !req
175. but anything you do say
may be held against you
in a court of law.Copy !req
176. - What have I done?
- Suspect detained.Copy !req
177. - What's going on?
- Oh, shut up!Copy !req
178. It's just a wee joke.
It's our first day.Copy !req
179. You can't go round
handcuffing folk and
arresting them for a joke!Copy !req
180. What are you gonna do
about it? Phone the polis?Copy !req
181. Mate, we are the polis.Copy !req
182. - Classic!Copy !req
183. What is this?Copy !req
184. What is this strange,
intriguing, mesmerising—Copy !req
185. Is it not
a kaleidoscope?Copy !req
186. - Who's that?
- It's James.Copy !req
187. Oh, I couldn't
work out who you were.
What did you say?Copy !req
188. Just saying,
is it not a kaleidoscope?Copy !req
189. No, it's not a kaleidoscope.
A kaleidoscope's one of they
things like a telescope—Copy !req
190. Yeah, you're right.
It's not a kaleidoscope.Copy !req
191. Do you not think it looks
like something you'd see in
space? One of they clouds.Copy !req
192. Who's that?
- It's Angela.Copy !req
193. - All right, Angela?
- All right?Copy !req
194. Do you not think it looks
like one of they NASA
pictures of nebulas?Copy !req
195. Oh, shut up, Angela.Copy !req
196. - What would you know about
nebulas, you dozy cow!
- Who was that?Copy !req
197. That was you.
No, the other voice,
the English one.Copy !req
198. Who was that?
Cheeky bastard.Copy !req
199. That was you.
Aye. It was pretty
obvious that was you, Limmy.Copy !req
200. Sorry, I was just
having a laugh.Copy !req
201. - What did you say, Angela?
It looks like a nebula?
I'm away.Copy !req
202. - See you later, James.
- See you, Angela.Copy !req
203. Angela, I was just joking.
Angela!Copy !req
204. - That was pretty bang
out of order, Limmy.
- It was just a joke.Copy !req
205. Anyway,
any ideas what this is, then?Copy !req
206. - Nah, I'm just going to head,
mate.
- Right.Copy !req
207. Beast!Copy !req
208. I'm finished with youse.Copy !req
209. Have you got any of
that soup from yesterday?
The onion soup?Copy !req
210. All right. Can I just have a
bowl of tomato s...?Copy !req
211. I'm sick of it. Every week
you have to get somebody in
to sort that thing out.Copy !req
212. - Tell me about it.
It's murder.
- How are you getting on?Copy !req
213. You need to make noises about
these things
or nothing'll get done.Copy !req
214. The paper keeps jamming.
It jammed on me four times
yesterday.Copy !req
215. Aye, it's a nightmare.
It must be, I don't know,
15 years old...Copy !req
216. - Oh, fuck!
- What's up?Copy !req
217. - It's Doug. We're due to
go out tonight,Copy !req
218. but every time we've got
nothing to talk about,Copy !req
219. so we end up getting a drink,
heading to the casino
and I lose big time.Copy !req
220. Then don't go
to the casino.Copy !req
221. I'm not going out at all. I
just want to stay in, away
from temptation.Copy !req
222. - You'd better hurry up
and tell him.Copy !req
223. I'll tell him
I'm not feeling well.Copy !req
224. All right?Copy !req
225. Well, I was just gonna
phone to...Copy !req
226. Aye, erm...Copy !req
227. All right,
I'll see you there.Copy !req
228. I'll go for a drink, but I'll
tell him, nae casino.Copy !req
229. I'll just say
I've got to leave at ten.Copy !req
230. - How much did you lose?
- 1,200.Copy !req
231. - Excuse me.
- Hiya.Copy !req
232. - Are you getting the
9:20 flight to Amsterdam?
- Aye.Copy !req
233. Could you please take this
teddy bear with you?Copy !req
234. I've got a friend there
waiting to collect it.
It's really dear to him.Copy !req
235. - Aye. No bother.
- Oh, thanks.Copy !req
236. - Hello.
- Hiya.Copy !req
237. - Is this, er...?
- Oh! Aye, there you go.
- Thanks.Copy !req
238. It's amazing how people are
willing to trust strangers,
isn't it!Copy !req
239. I could have knocked that.Copy !req
240. Well, folks. Thanks for
watching the webcam. Till
next time, see you later.Copy !req
241. All right? I was just
on the webcam there.Copy !req
242. Oh, hold on.
I forgot to switch it off.Copy !req
243. See?Copy !req
244. Just click Close...
and that's it off.Copy !req
245. Or is it? I mean,
just because it tells me
it's offCopy !req
246. doesn't necessarily mean
it is off.Copy !req
247. I mean, it could take
the webcam an extra minute
or twoCopy !req
248. to completely switch off,
d'you know what I mean?Copy !req
249. And during that time anything
could happen.Copy !req
250. I could... pick my nose,
could start having
a private conversation,Copy !req
251. could start having a wank,
anything.Copy !req
252. Just totally ruin my life
because I saw some daft wee
light go offCopy !req
253. and I took its word
for it.Copy !req
254. I mean, who's to say that
my webcam isnae onCopy !req
255. 24 hours a day
without me knowing it.Copy !req
256. Some hacker
just watching me
type in all my passwords.Copy !req
257. I might be part of
some sex ring,Copy !req
258. streaming me live
to some fucked-up website.Copy !req
259. They're all sitting around
watching me
getting up to all sorts.Copy !req
260. You just don't know.Copy !req
261. Or maybe it's not hackers
that are watching me.Copy !req
262. Maybe it's...Copy !req
263. Them.Copy !req
264. To be on the safe side,
I'll just pull it out.
That's it off. Definitely.Copy !req
265. Or is it?Copy !req
266. I mean, just because it
isnae plugged in, that
doesn't mean it isn't on.Copy !req
267. That doesn't mean
it isnae connected.Copy !req
268. I mean, there's my phone.
That isn't plugged in,
but that's still on.Copy !req
269. That's still connected. I
could just bin the camera,
just shove it in a bin,Copy !req
270. just be done with it, but
that might not be the camera
that they're watching me on.Copy !req
271. They may have a camera
in the wall. They may have
a camera in the screen.Copy !req
272. Or they might have hidden
a cameraCopy !req
273. in the last place
you'd expect to find
a hidden camera.Copy !req
274. In... a camera.Copy !req
275. I could tear it to pieces and
try and find the camera,Copy !req
276. but how do I know what I'm
looking for? Their cameras
might not look like cameras.Copy !req
277. They might not act
like cameras.Copy !req
278. Here, their cameras
might not even be called
cameras.Copy !req
279. Can you imagine that?Copy !req
280. A camera that isn't even
called a camera.Copy !req
281. You don't stand a chance!Copy !req
282. Oh, here. Wait a minute.Copy !req
283. Hey! You're not allowed
down here.Copy !req
284. And not one of youse
looks old enough to drink.Copy !req
285. So? What are you gonna do
about it?Copy !req
286. Phone the polis?
They are the polis.Copy !req
287. Ha ha ha! That's you told.Copy !req
288. Fuck off!Copy !req
289. Did I tell you I said that?Copy !req
290. I said today, "Are you gonna
phone the polis?
We are—"Copy !req
291. Aye. That's why I said it.Copy !req
292. - [policeman mumbles
drunkenly]
- He's steaming.Copy !req
293. Do you want to hear
a story?Copy !req
294. A scary story?Copy !req
295. All right.
Let the story commence.Copy !req
296. When I was a boy, I used to
collect ginger bottles.Copy !req
297. Used to go around chapping
the doors for empty bottles
of Irn-Bru,Copy !req
298. take 'em back to the shops,
get myself a wee bit of extra
pocket money. Right?Copy !req
299. And one day I chapped on
a door that I hadnae
chapped on before.Copy !req
300. A few seconds later
the door opened.Copy !req
301. I looked up
and standing there was...Copy !req
302. Got you!Copy !req
303. Standing there was a woman.Copy !req
304. And I asked her,
"Got any ginger bottles?"Copy !req
305. She said, "Aye, hold on."
She went away,
brought back a polybag,Copy !req
306. and gave us it and shut
the door in my face.Copy !req
307. On my way down to the shop
I looked in the bagCopy !req
308. to check to see how many
bottles she gave us.Copy !req
309. I opened it up.
I peered inside.Copy !req
310. But there,
in the bag, I saw...Copy !req
311. that one of the bottles
never had a cap on.Copy !req
312. The thing is, you've got to
have a cap on the bottles. If
you don't, a lot of shops...Copy !req
313. Ya bastard!Copy !req
314. Aye, if you've not got a cap
on the bottle, a lot of these
shops won't take it back.Copy !req
315. And sure enough, I didn't get
anything for that one.Copy !req
316. You're watching
Adventure Call.Copy !req
317. My name is
FalconhoofCopy !req
318. and I will be
your guide
on your quest.Copy !req
319. Greetings, Line Four.
What is your name,
traveller?Copy !req
320. Er, hello.
It's Greg, erm, John.
My name's John.Copy !req
321. Greetings, John.
Are you ready
to begin your quest?Copy !req
322. - Mm-hm.
- Very well.Copy !req
323. You are
standing in a
moonlit meadow.Copy !req
324. To the north
is a witches'
coven.Copy !req
325. To your side
is a large
boulder.Copy !req
326. What would
you like
to do?Copy !req
327. Open
sarcophagus.Copy !req
328. There is
no sarcophagus
here.Copy !req
329. Oh, erm.
Right. I mean
roll boulder.Copy !req
330. You roll
the boulder.Copy !req
331. It reveals
a large
hole beneath.Copy !req
332. Go hole.Copy !req
333. You crawl
through the holeCopy !req
334. and enter
a secret
catacomb.Copy !req
335. There's
a passage
to the north.Copy !req
336. In the centre
of the
catacomb isCopy !req
337. a sarcophagus.Copy !req
338. Ah, right.
Open
sarcophagus.Copy !req
339. You
open the
sarcophagus...Copy !req
340. Traveller, how did
you know there
was a sarcophagus?Copy !req
341. Erm, I don't know.
You must have had
it on your show before.Copy !req
342. I haven't.
This is a
new adventure.Copy !req
343. I don't know.
Lucky guess.Copy !req
344. Yes, it was.Copy !req
345. Very well.
You open
the sarcophagus.Copy !req
346. Lying within
is a skeleton.Copy !req
347. Around its
neck is a
golden amulet.Copy !req
348. Take finger
from skeleton.
Go north.Copy !req
349. You take a finger
from the skeleton
and go north.Copy !req
350. You stand before
a foreboding gate
made of bones.Copy !req
351. It is locked.Copy !req
352. Unlock gate
with skeleton
finger.Copy !req
353. - That was handy.
- What?Copy !req
354. Having the
skeleton finger.Copy !req
355. It's almost
as if you...Copy !req
356. knew you'd
need it to
unlock a gate.Copy !req
357. - Made of bones.
- Lucky guess.Copy !req
358. Yes. Very.Copy !req
359. Traveller, are
you a relative of
any of our elvesCopy !req
360. here at
Adventure Call?Copy !req
361. - Nope.
- Nope.Copy !req
362. OK. You unlock
the gate and
enter a large room.Copy !req
363. What's in
the room?Copy !req
364. You tell me, traveller.
You seem to be
quite the soothsayer.Copy !req
365. - Erm...
- [rustling
of paper]Copy !req
366. Get broomstick.Copy !req
367. - What broomstick?
- There's a
broomstick.Copy !req
368. - No, there isn't.
- Aye, there is.Copy !req
369. No, there isn't.
How is there?Copy !req
370. - There just is.
- You're dead.Copy !req
371. - No, I'm not.
How am I?
- You just are.Copy !req
372. You cannae
do that.Copy !req
373. You cannae just
make things up.
I'll speak to my, erm...Copy !req
374. Speak to who?
You'll speak to
who, Greg?Copy !req
375. Who will you
speak to,
Greg?Copy !req
376. Let's take
another call.Copy !req
377. - Yay!Copy !req
378. Hold on.
I'll get the door for you.
Thanks.Copy !req
379. Good to know there
are still some gentlemen
left in the world.Copy !req
380. Yeah. Sorry about
the mess in there.Copy !req
381. Oh, that was nothing.Copy !req
382. - All right. See you later.
- Cheerie bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
383. I want you out!Copy !req
384. But in all seriousness,
that's the end of the show.Copy !req
385. Hope you enjoyed it.
Thanks for watching.Copy !req
386. And thanks
for tidying the room.Copy !req
387. Thanks for completely
embarrassing me
in front of my guest.Copy !req
388. And thanks for, when she said
hello to you, thanks for not
saying hello back.Copy !req
389. Thanks for just staring.
I'm sure that made her
feel very welcome.Copy !req
390. I want you out!Copy !req
391. Out!Copy !req