1. Ha, ha, ha!
Welcome to Limmy's Show!Copy !req
2. the clumsiest guy
in the world,
and he wasn't even drunk!Copy !req
3. We're all sitting in the beer
garden, lying in the grass,Copy !req
4. and he comes out
with a tray full of drinks,Copy !req
5. goes to put them down,Copy !req
6. tips up the tray and the
drinks go everywhere!Copy !req
7. So, it's raining everywhere,Copy !req
8. seven pints of lager
and pear cider everywhere.Copy !req
9. It's like he wasn't
even being clumsy,Copy !req
10. he was just trying
to fertilise the grass.Copy !req
11. What?Copy !req
12. He wasn't even being clumsy,Copy !req
13. he was just trying to
fertilise the grass
with the drinks.Copy !req
14. Like he's got into gardening
or somethingCopy !req
15. without telling anybody.Copy !req
16. Aye...Copy !req
17. Anyway, so everybody's
totally soaked,Copy !req
18. and then this wee argument
breaks out.Copy !req
19. - With who?
- Everybody.Copy !req
20. And we're just like,
"Well, who's gonna buy,
replace, the drinks?"Copy !req
21. - "Who's gonna
replace the clothes?"
- Exactly!Copy !req
22. - I had a brand-new shirt on.
- Julie went mental.Copy !req
23. Well, Julie, Julie,
what a cracking
sense of humour, right,Copy !req
24. cos she's got it worst,
she's totally soaked...Copy !req
25. That was a shiter.Copy !req
26. You're
watching
Adventure Call.Copy !req
27. My name
is Falconhoof,Copy !req
28. and I will be
your guide
on your quest.Copy !req
29. Greetings, Line
1, what is your
name, traveller?Copy !req
30. Oh, hello. My
name's Harriet.Copy !req
31. Greetings,
Harriet.Copy !req
32. Are you ready
to begin
your quest?Copy !req
33. I'm
so glad we
got through.Copy !req
34. - Aye, we're ready,
we're ready.
- Very well.Copy !req
35. You awake on
a horse-drawn
cart.Copy !req
36. Riding the
horse is
an executioner.Copy !req
37. To your side
is a whip.Copy !req
38. What would you
like to do?Copy !req
39. Right, OK. Now,
can I ask you
a question?Copy !req
40. Of course.
I am your guide.Copy !req
41. Would you
like to help
disadvantaged children?Copy !req
42. I'm sorry, traveller?Copy !req
43. - Hold on, I've got
it written down.Copy !req
44. Would you
like to help
disadvantaged children?Copy !req
45. We at the Gibshill
Community
Outreach ProjectCopy !req
46. are committed to
helping disadvantaged
young peopleCopy !req
47. achieve their
full potential.Copy !req
48. To this end, we
invite you to spend
an afternoon with usCopy !req
49. at the Gibshill
Community Centre
next Thursday at 1pm.Copy !req
50. It will excite,
entertain and
ultimately inspireCopy !req
51. the young
people
of Gibshill.Copy !req
52. So, what do
you think,
Falconhoof?Copy !req
53. It's just a few
hours with
the youngsters,Copy !req
54. just giving
something back,Copy !req
55. talking about
how you got to
where you are.Copy !req
56. I think it would
really mean
a lot to them.Copy !req
57. - I would be
delighted.
- He said aye!Copy !req
58. Oh, you have
them there?Copy !req
59. They sound a
very merry band
of travellers.Copy !req
60. Oh, they are.
They're over
the moon.Copy !req
61. I cannae wait.Copy !req
62. He's getting it!Copy !req
63. He's getting it,
man!Copy !req
64. Right,
simmer down.Copy !req
65. So, what
do I do,
Falconhoof?Copy !req
66. Do I just stay
on the line to
get your details?Copy !req
67. Yes, one of our
elves will give
you my details.Copy !req
68. Oh,
that's good.Copy !req
69. We'll be able to
pick you up
in the minibus.Copy !req
70. It's about an
hour's drive—Copy !req
71. Quiet!
I cannae hear
myself think here!Copy !req
72. It's about an
hour's drive
in the minibus,Copy !req
73. but all the boys
will be in there
with you.Copy !req
74. It'll fly by
with the banter,
believe me.Copy !req
75. Arsehole!Copy !req
76. And are they
adventure fans?
They don't seem to—Copy !req
77. It's only really
me and Joanne
that like the show,Copy !req
78. but all the boys,
they all do
impressions.Copy !req
79. They've been
bugging us to get
you to come through.Copy !req
80. They're punching
the air
in here.Copy !req
81. I hate
him! Can't wait to
tell him that.Copy !req
82. - Ah, good.Copy !req
83. Right,
let me go, and I'll
speak to your elves.Copy !req
84. Very well, traveller.
I look forward
to seeing—Copy !req
85. He's getting egged!
Get eggs,
everybody! Get eggs!Copy !req
86. Let's take
another call.Copy !req
87. Get eggs!Copy !req
88. Three times!Copy !req
89. Pow-pow-pow.Copy !req
90. Three times!Copy !req
91. Pow-pow-pow.Copy !req
92. One time.
Pow!Copy !req
93. Nine times.Copy !req
94. Pow-pow-pow, pow-pow-pow,
pow-pow-pow.Copy !req
95. Shuh!Copy !req
96. And...Copy !req
97. two.Copy !req
98. Two.Copy !req
99. Two.Copy !req
100. Two.Copy !req
101. - And...Copy !req
102. - And...
And...Copy !req
103. And...Copy !req
104. And...
And...Copy !req
105. I have the power!Copy !req
106. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!Copy !req
107. What are you chucking me out
for? He stuck the nut on us!Copy !req
108. What?Copy !req
109. Look who it is!
Look who it is!
What are you wanting, mate?Copy !req
110. What are you watching
the show for? Beat it!Copy !req
111. - What are you doing?
- Beat it!Copy !req
112. Limmy, don't talk to
the audience
like that!Copy !req
113. I'm not talking to
the audience. I'm just
talking about that guy!Copy !req
114. Just wondering why you're
watching the show, mate,
if you don't like us.Copy !req
115. - Just get on with it!
- Why should I?Copy !req
116. The guy hates us.
Why put on a show
for a guy who hates us?Copy !req
117. Put on a song and dance
for a guy who hates us?Copy !req
118. - Ignore him.
- The show's not for you,Copy !req
119. it's for everybody else,
all right? Beat it!Copy !req
120. - Just ignore him!
- The guy hates us.Copy !req
121. The week frae hell,Copy !req
122. so he'll probably be drinking
himself into oblivion.Copy !req
123. Aye. So, do you want to
head round now?Copy !req
124. No, we've got
another 20 minutes.Copy !req
125. Do you want a drink?
Beer? Coke?Copy !req
126. - Muffit of tea?
- Aye, just get us a...Copy !req
127. A what?Copy !req
128. Beer. Coke.Copy !req
129. - No, the other thing.
- Tea.Copy !req
130. Aye, but what'd you say?
A what of tea?Copy !req
131. A muffit.
A muffit of tea.Copy !req
132. - A muffit of tea?
- Aye.Copy !req
133. What's a muffit of tea?Copy !req
134. A muffit of tea,
a cup of tea.Copy !req
135. What's a muffit?Copy !req
136. A cup.Copy !req
137. Is it a type of cup?Copy !req
138. No, it's just a cup. It's
just another word for a cup.Copy !req
139. - Since when?
- I don't know.Copy !req
140. - Now, do you want one or no?
- Aye, get us a tea.Copy !req
141. A cup of tea!Copy !req
142. Muffit?Copy !req
143. What do you want for dinner?Copy !req
144. I don't know.
Spaghetti bolognese?Copy !req
145. Well, we need to get mince.Copy !req
146. We've run out of teabags
an' all.Copy !req
147. Oh, here, that reminds us.
Wait till you hear this.Copy !req
148. See, when I was in Donny's,Copy !req
149. he said, "Do you want
anything to drink?"Copy !req
150. And one of the things
he offered us
was a muffit of tea.Copy !req
151. A muffit of tea!Copy !req
152. Aye, that is a bit civilised.Copy !req
153. You hear what I said?
A muffit of tea.Copy !req
154. - A muffit!
- I heard you.Copy !req
155. - Oh, not you an' all?
- Not me an' all what?Copy !req
156. - What's a muffit of tea?
- A cup of tea!Copy !req
157. What?Copy !req
158. Just go and hurry up
and get teabags.Copy !req
159. And remember to get mince.Copy !req
160. Has everybody
lost their mind?Copy !req
161. Yes, sir, what can I get you?Copy !req
162. Can I have the coronation
chicken focaccia, please.Copy !req
163. Do you want something
to drink with that?Copy !req
164. Aye, can I have a...Copy !req
165. - Can I have a tea, please?
- Yeah.Copy !req
166. Is that a pot of tea?Copy !req
167. No, just a...Copy !req
168. - ... a muffit of tea.
- Ha-ha!Copy !req
169. You said, "A muffit!"Copy !req
170. A muffit?
What's a muffit?Copy !req
171. "Can I have a muffit of tea?"
Oh, mate!Copy !req
172. Oh, how stupid of me!Copy !req
173. How stupid
and weak-minded of meCopy !req
174. to start calling something by
another name for no reasonCopy !req
175. other than that's what
everybody else is calling it.Copy !req
176. Do you know what I mean?Copy !req
177. So, let's make a toast.Copy !req
178. To prosperity, to happiness
and, most of all, to life.Copy !req
179. To life.Copy !req
180. - What's that?
- Antidote.Copy !req
181. To what?Copy !req
182. The poison you just drank.Copy !req
183. - What's that?
- Antidote.Copy !req
184. To what?Copy !req
185. The poison you just drank.Copy !req
186. - What's that?
- Antidote.Copy !req
187. To what?Copy !req
188. The poison you just drank.Copy !req
189. And is that...?Copy !req
190. To the...?Copy !req
191. Cheers.Copy !req
192. Come on in here.Copy !req
193. What's this all about?Copy !req
194. I've got something
to tell you.Copy !req
195. - What?
- I like you.Copy !req
196. Oh, I like you, too.
Thanks.Copy !req
197. - No, I mean I like you.
- I like you, too.Copy !req
198. You're a good laugh.Copy !req
199. No, I mean...Copy !req
200. - ... I really like you.
- And I really like you.Copy !req
201. No, I mean I—Copy !req
202. Oh, fuck up!Copy !req
203. It's like he wasn't
even being clumsy,Copy !req
204. he was just trying to
fertilise the grass.Copy !req
205. Like he's got into gardening
or somethingCopy !req
206. without telling anybody.Copy !req
207. The sense of smell
is often said to be the senseCopy !req
208. most closely related
to the memory.Copy !req
209. Maybe with the right smells,
I can go back there.Copy !req
210. Back to that day in '84.Copy !req
211. I use paraffin to remind me
of you, Stu Mackenzie.Copy !req
212. No self-respecting arsonistCopy !req
213. would leave home
without his firelighters.Copy !req
214. I use lavender
to remind me of you, Danny.Copy !req
215. Your hairspray made
your spikey hairCopy !req
216. the talk of the town,Copy !req
217. but hell mend anybodyCopy !req
218. that said it made you smell
like your granny's house.Copy !req
219. And I use vegetable oil
to remind me of you, Aldo.Copy !req
220. Did you ever wash?Copy !req
221. And now...Copy !req
222. I'm there.Copy !req
223. I'm back.Copy !req
224. I'm back to let you knowCopy !req
225. that you'll never be able
to hurt me again.Copy !req
226. Ever!Copy !req
227. Where I am now is
a good place, a better place,Copy !req
228. a place where you'll never...Copy !req
229. Argh!Copy !req
230. So, all in all, we're doing
outstandingly well.Copy !req
231. Turnover's up,
profits are up.Copy !req
232. The shareholders
are delighted.Copy !req
233. I think we'll all be due
a wee promotion.Copy !req
234. Not to mention
a healthy bonus.Copy !req
235. - Are you hearing this?
- Aye.Copy !req
236. What's up?Copy !req
237. Och, it's all good stuff,Copy !req
238. another bonus,
another promotion,Copy !req
239. yet why do I never feel
that I'm going anywhere?Copy !req
240. Well, you'll get far
once the boss sees this.Copy !req
241. We all will!Copy !req
242. I don't mean in here,
I mean in here!Copy !req
243. I've been doing this
for years.Copy !req
244. I get paid lots of money,Copy !req
245. got the big house,
fast sports car,Copy !req
246. I've got everything,Copy !req
247. yet not once have I feltCopy !req
248. that I was really, truly
going somewhere.Copy !req
249. And if this doesnae do it,
then what will?Copy !req
250. What will?Copy !req
251. Listen.Copy !req
252. That's it.Copy !req
253. A propeller.Copy !req
254. An actual propeller.Copy !req
255. You wanted to see me, sir?Copy !req
256. You're fired.Copy !req
257. Here, sexy!Copy !req
258. Fuck off.Copy !req
259. Beat it.Copy !req
260. See, if you don't like us,
why are you even—Copy !req
261. Limmy, move on,
please.Copy !req
262. - Why is he allowed to watch
us when he doesn't even—
- Move on.Copy !req
263. Move on, please!Copy !req
264. Gonna not tick me off
in front of him?Copy !req
265. Look, he's smiling now!
Look, he's...Copy !req
266. Look at his smirk!
I've gotta look at that!Copy !req
267. I've gotta have that
in my line of sight
for the rest of the show!Copy !req
268. Limmy!Copy !req
269. Green five and nine, 59.Copy !req
270. Yellow all the threes, 33.Copy !req
271. Billy Ruleston,
to many he's the best.Copy !req
272. Well, he is the best,Copy !req
273. and it's an honour
to still have him here,Copy !req
274. cos he could have buggered
off to America if he wanted.Copy !req
275. But he's not let it go
to his head.Copy !req
276. Billy certainly
has managed to
keep his feet on the ground,Copy !req
277. despite such high-profile
fans as Barack Obama,Copy !req
278. Marti Pellow and Bez.Copy !req
279. But what is it about Billy's
bingo calling styleCopy !req
280. that attracts such admiration
in the first place?Copy !req
281. Cos he can adapt
to whatever crowd's in.Copy !req
282. Cos the older folk, well,
they aren't as sharp
as they used to be,Copy !req
283. so he slows it right down
for them.Copy !req
284. In the red,
it's one and four.Copy !req
285. In the red, it's 14.Copy !req
286. But if he's got a younger lot
in, he's like a machine gun.
I mean, I can't even keep up.Copy !req
287. Red 3. Red 16. Red 5.
Green 42. Red 12. Green 47.Copy !req
288. But despite
Billy's abilityCopy !req
289. to tailor his style
to suit the crowd,Copy !req
290. he has a mischievous sideCopy !req
291. that sometimes likes
to mix it up a little.Copy !req
292. And, see, even if he has got
the younger ones in,Copy !req
293. well, he still likes to
throw in, like, a wee bit
of the old school.Copy !req
294. White 75. White 79.Copy !req
295. Red legs 11.
Come on, whoo-whoo!Copy !req
296. Whoo-whoo!Copy !req
297. I mean,
nobody else can do that.Copy !req
298. That's why they love him.Copy !req
299. What is it that Obama said?Copy !req
300. "I can't be all things
to all people.Copy !req
301. I ain't Billy Ruleston!
Nobody is but Billy."Copy !req
302. And he's right,
nobody is but Billy.Copy !req
303. Greggybhoy nine-to-five.Copy !req
304. Greggybhoy, there's a sniper
under the chopper.Copy !req
305. Greggybhoy...Copy !req
306. Oh, shit!Copy !req
307. Games nowadays,
I'll give them their due,Copy !req
308. they look and sound amazing.Copy !req
309. But, see, back in my day,Copy !req
310. games weren't about
the HD graphicsCopy !req
311. and 5.1 surround sound.Copy !req
312. It was the golden age
of games.Copy !req
313. Back in my day,
the game was the game.Copy !req
314. Oh!Copy !req
315. How am I gonna
get out of this?Copy !req
316. Oh!
Oh, nearly!Copy !req
317. Oh, he nearly caught me!Copy !req
318. Oh, he got me!Copy !req
319. One hundred.Copy !req
320. One-hundred-and-six...Copy !req
321. That's odd.Copy !req
322. I left my wallet right here,
and now it's gone.Copy !req
323. Nobody's come in,
nobody's went out, yet gone.Copy !req
324. Which is a shame,
because I was just readyCopy !req
325. for heading round
to the DIY shop there.Copy !req
326. I was gonna finally get round
to doing this room up.Copy !req
327. I've left it for
far too long.Copy !req
328. In fact, if I was this room,Copy !req
329. I'd actually be
a wee bit pissed offCopy !req
330. at being neglected
for so long.Copy !req
331. I'd maybe want to punish
the person responsible.Copy !req
332. Maybe, I don't know,
pinch something.Copy !req
333. I don't know.Copy !req
334. All I know is that
without my wallet,Copy !req
335. I cannae buy any
glossy new paint,Copy !req
336. any of that luxurious
new wallpaperCopy !req
337. I was gonna massage
onto the wall.Copy !req
338. Och, it's a shame.Copy !req
339. I know,
I'll have one more look.Copy !req
340. Fancy that.Copy !req
341. I'm away to the pub.Copy !req
342. Right, come on.
It's cool.Copy !req
343. - I just wanna shake his hand.
- Just move on.Copy !req
344. This has went on long enough.Copy !req
345. - I just wanna shake his hand.
- That's it?Copy !req
346. Aye, aye, aye.Copy !req
347. All right.
All right, mate, aye?Copy !req
348. Get him away!
Get him away!Copy !req
349. That is absolutely
disgusting!
Some of that went on me!Copy !req
350. Fucking, I was
watching the telly, right?Copy !req
351. Watching...Copy !req
352. Nae idea.Copy !req
353. The adverts come on,
and one of them was for
some cheese spread thingCopy !req
354. called The Laughing Cow.Copy !req
355. And I thought, "That's funny.Copy !req
356. Imagine that,
a laughing cow.Copy !req
357. A cow that laughs.Copy !req
358. Imagine it!Copy !req
359. Seriously.Copy !req
360. Seriously, Dee Dee.Copy !req
361. Imagine you saw a cow
that laughed.Copy !req
362. Imagine you were walking
down some country roadCopy !req
363. one night lost,Copy !req
364. and you stopped
to see this cowCopy !req
365. wander up to the fence
next to you,Copy !req
366. and when it got there, it
looked you right in the eyesCopy !req
367. and laughed."Copy !req
368. Anyway, it gets to the end
of the advert,Copy !req
369. and that cow's face
fills the screen,Copy !req
370. and guess what it does.Copy !req
371. It laughs.Copy !req
372. And I just thought,
"Right, I'm away for a pish."Copy !req
373. So, I get up
and head to the toilet.Copy !req
374. I was just ready to walk in
and I thought,Copy !req
375. "Here, Dee Dee,
how funny would it beCopy !req
376. if you opened that doorCopy !req
377. and there was that mad
laughing cow like that..."Copy !req
378. "For nae reason
science could explain,Copy !req
379. its mad face just pure
hovering about like that...Copy !req
380. I thought, "Not funny at all,Copy !req
381. cos I'd lose
the fucking plot.Copy !req
382. That'd be me."Copy !req
383. All joking aside, I think
that would be me for good.Copy !req
384. That'd be me gone, man.Copy !req
385. I could try
and explain it away,Copy !req
386. just say it was
a trick of the mind,Copy !req
387. but that'd be like
locking the stable doorCopy !req
388. after the horse has bolted.Copy !req
389. Cos I don't think
you come backCopy !req
390. from that kind of spectacle.Copy !req
391. Nobody does.Copy !req
392. I thought, "Dee Dee,
come on, take a joke.Copy !req
393. I mean, seriously,
what's the likelihoodCopy !req
394. that you open that door
and..."Copy !req
395. No.Copy !req
396. Back into the living room.Copy !req
397. The toilet can wait,
cos for now...Copy !req
398. just isnae worth it.Copy !req
399. And welcome!Copy !req
400. - Oh, I love your flat!
- Cheers.Copy !req
401. It certainly is
getting there.Copy !req
402. I've not got round to
finishing that room, though.Copy !req
403. Oh, aye?
Let's take a wee look.Copy !req
404. Oh, no, don't, don't.
It's an embarrassment.Copy !req
405. Oh, I see
what you mean, it's a mess!Copy !req
406. Typical man, getting
everything half done.Copy !req
407. Oh, is that an offer
to finish it, aye?Copy !req
408. Eh?Copy !req
409. Is that an offer?Copy !req
410. You hear me?Copy !req
411. I don't care how much,
I want the best of stuff,Copy !req
412. and I want it done now!Copy !req
413. I've done what you wanted!Copy !req
414. You've got the wallpaper,
you've got the fucking paint,Copy !req
415. now give me back my woman!Copy !req
416. Aye-aye!Copy !req
417. What have you been up to?Copy !req
418. I can't take him anywhere
with me. Just so clumsy!Copy !req
419. That reminds me,
did I tell you about PaulCopy !req
420. at the beer garden
the other day?Copy !req
421. We're all out
in the beer garden,Copy !req
422. we're lying out in the grassCopy !req
423. and he goes in
to get the drinks.Copy !req
424. Comes out with the drinks
on a tray,Copy !req
425. goes to put them down,
tips them up,
drinks over everybody!Copy !req
426. And everybody
covered in about
20 quid's worth of drink!Copy !req
427. It was unbelievable.Copy !req
428. James, imagine
you were there.Copy !req
429. You'd be sucking it out your
clothes like an ice pole.Copy !req
430. Squeezing it out your
clothes into a pint glass.Copy !req
431. Squeeze everybody's clothes
into a pint glass.Copy !req
432. That's exactly what
he'd be like.Copy !req
433. Back on top.Copy !req