Limmy's Show! 2x2

1. - Brilliant! - You were amazing.

2. Welcome to Limmy's Show!

3. Excuse me.

4. Don't mean to disturb you, but couldn't help notice you like your karaoke,

5. and I was wondering, do you wanna hear a wee story?

6. Aye.

7. This was 198... 1.

8. At a karaoke just like this,

9. in a pub just like this.

10. People were getting up, singing their songs,

11. some were good, some were...

12. not so good!

13. But regardless of what they were like,

14. nobody was paying much attention,

15. too busy staring into their pints, yabbing away,

16. "Yab, yab, yab, yab."

17. But then this one boy gets up,

18. just another face in the crowd,

19. you wouldn't give him a second look.

20. Picks up the mike, and he begins to sing.

21. And one by one, the talking stopped,

22. the heads turned.

23. Because this boy's voice filled the room!

24. And when he was finished,

25. you could hear a pin drop.

26. Until...

27. Not a dry eye in the house!

28. And do you know who that boy was?

29. - Marti Pellow. - No!

30. Oh, you're joking?

31. - Marti Pellow.

32. That's amazing!

33. True story.

34. Thank you. Thank you.

35. Hello, my name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.

36. OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.

37. OK, can someone understand, please,

38. I have here a lady,

39. a lady who quite recently passed to spirit,

40. an elderly lady

41. who, during her time this side of life,

42. used to keep quite a lot of flowers around her home.

43. I mean, a lot of flowers.

44. This was like a greenhouse, almost.

45. - You understand this? - Aye.

46. OK, because she's telling me that she used to love

47. all the plants you would bring over,

48. but she hated those daffodils.

49. You see?

50. She's showing me her grave,

51. and someone's put daffodils there,

52. and she's, like, "Get them away from me."

53. - That'll be Steve. - Aye.

54. Oh, right, OK.

55. She's now showing me or doing this kind of action.

56. A kind of shushing away action.

57. Like she's shushing away, like, a mouse or a rat or...

58. Did she ever have any phobias at all?

59. She was quite agoraphobic. She couldn't go out much.

60. No, no, no, this was like a phobia

61. of some kind of creepy-crawly of some kind.

62. She didn't like daddy longlegs.

63. She was petrified of them.

64. Daddy longlegs.

65. Quite a bit of a scaredy-cat your mum, wasn't she?

66. Aye.

67. I'm only kidding. She sounds lovely, your mum.

68. But I'm starting to realise

69. why she's doing this shushing away action.

70. It's not really a memory from this side of life,

71. but rather something she's experiencing

72. at this very moment on spirit side.

73. And the only explanation for that is...

74. and there's no nice way to put this...

75. she's downstairs.

76. They're put her downstairs.

77. - She didn't make it. - She can't be!

78. She never had a bad bone in her.

79. They don't stick them down there for nothing, pal.

80. No, she is downstairs,

81. because these creepy-crawlies you said she's afraid of...

82. - What are they called? - Daddy longlegs.

83. Daddy longlegs. She's covered in them.

84. Because when I saw her,

85. I thought she was wearing a sheet, like a ghost,

86. to give me a wee fright,

87. but, no, it's because she's covered

88. top-to-toe in these things,

89. and they're biting her.

90. They're really biting her.

91. And these are wounds that will never heal,

92. because she is downstairs.

93. And what was that other thing you said she was scared of?

94. You said she was scared to go somewhere?

95. She was agoraphobic. She was scared to go out.

96. Scared to go out? They're making her go out.

97. Looking like that.

98. So, that's her punishment.

99. Forever.

100. OK, I'll leave her love with you.

101. OK? Thank you.

102. Why have you got a semi?

103. Why are you looking at my cock?

104. He's got him there!

105. How are you doing? My name's Simon.

106. And I'm Jessica.

107. And we are Peaches and Cream!

108. Oh, shut up!

109. Was it true?

110. What?

111. The story about Marti Pellow,

112. was it true?

113. You're asking me if it was true?

114. No, it wasn't true.

115. But people need hopes,

116. people need dreams.

117. Aye, my story might not have been real, but...

118. that dream, that hope you had

119. that maybe one day, the right pub, the right time,

120. the right karaoke...

121. that was real.

122. It's a good place, good people,

123. but if we were to let our hopes and dreams die, well...

124. we may as well just lay down and die with them.

125. I think I understand.

126. You're a good boy.

127. Now, get out of here.

128. Limmy.

129. Thanks.

130. All right, lads?

131. I don't mind admitting, I've got a semi.

132. A semi-automatic.

133. My name's Jacqueline McCafferty,

134. and I used to be a junkie.

135. I've not had a good man for as long as I can remember,

136. and I remember fuck all.

137. So, I headed round to the community centre

138. for the ceilidh speed-dating.

139. I thought, "Try it, Jacqueline.

140. You'll just be dancing.

141. You won't have the chance to open your big stupid mouth

142. and make a fool of yourself.

143. You could find somebody special.

144. God knows you deserve it, pal."

145. Have a lovely night. Thank you.

146. - Hi, there. What's your name? - Jacqueline.

147. Jacqueline, if you just stand there,

148. I'm just gonna take your photo and put it up here,

149. and if anybody's interested in you,

150. they'll put their card in the pouch under your photo, and vice-versa.

151. - Right? - Right.

152. So, I walk through the door,

153. and there's everybody staring at me,

154. like I'm on fucking Stars in Their Eyes.

155. But I don't mind,

156. cos I was looking good and feeling good,

157. until I clocked that all the guys were wearing kilts,

158. and all the women weren't, bar me.

159. I don't know what I was thinking!

160. I didn't know where to look!

161. "Tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna be

162. an embarrassment to myself."

163. I lost three years of my life to heroin,

164. and another five years on a methadone programme

165. that's meant to get me off it.

166. It's good that I've got my daughter back.

167. But she needs a new father.

168. I feel like I've done my soles in with the jagging.

169. They all laughed at me,

170. all night long, in every dance.

171. They were delighted to see me!

172. "Oh, look who it is, it's Jacqueline!"

173. I was in there, man! In there!

174. But how? How?

175. What is it they see in me anyway?

176. What kind of guy would want to meet up with me?

177. And then I thought, "Right enough!"

178. Cos what was it that Groucho Marx once said?

179. "See anybody who would want somebody like me

180. as a member of their club,

181. they can get themselves to fuck!"

182. What?

183. What are you gonna do about it?

184. It's just a dummy, it's not real.

185. Deal with it.

186. OK, we're ready to take a few questions now.

187. All right.

188. Could you describe for us the last time you saw your wife.

189. Aye.

190. We were at home,

191. and my wife said she was gonna go for a drive

192. over to her sister's.

193. That about half-past seven on Monday.

194. And that was the last time I saw her.

195. Thank you.

196. Hi. Could you let us know your own thoughts and actions

197. - on the night? - I was watching the telly.

198. Alone.

199. And about midnight, I just started wondering

200. when she was coming back.

201. I couldn't reach her on her phone,

202. and when I phoned her sister,

203. her sister said she hadn't arrived.

204. And that's when I called the police.

205. Thanks.

206. Hi.

207. So um...

208. I can't make out what he's saying.

209. Sorry, I never said anything.

210. So, you said that...

211. - Do you have a question? - Yeah, uh-huh.

212. So, you said the last time you saw your wife was around...

213. We're gonna have to stop the conference there,

214. ladies and gentlemen.

215. Thank you for your questions.

216. I knew it!

217. Fucking heading to the Bru,

218. in to get my giro,

219. and I pass this couple of buses at the side of the road.

220. Everybody's piling off the front one,

221. into the one behind,

222. old folk like that, "This is ridiculous!

223. Never used to be like this with the Corporation buses."

224. I was like that. "I see.

225. We've got ourselves a breakdown."

226. Checked to see where they're all heading.

227. Yoker.

228. I just pissed myself laughing.

229. Ha!

230. Cos Yoker's one of these places

231. I only know through the front of a bus.

232. Never been there, don't know what it's like,

233. just this pure mad fabled land

234. that sounds like a pure mad egg yolk.

235. So, I was watching everybody getting on,

236. trying to show their tickets to the driver,

237. but he wasn't having it,

238. just waving them on like that,

239. "I know where you came from, I can see the bus.

240. What do you think I am, daft?"

241. And a wee voice in my head says,

242. "Dee Dee, I know you've got to get your giro,

243. but the Bru's always gonna be there.

244. But this, on the other hand,

245. is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

246. Go for it."

247. So, I just went like that...

248. Fuck it.

249. .. and I joined the queue.

250. Soon as I do it, the driver starts checking people's tickets.

251. I was like that, "Oh, here, forget it,"

252. but I just got pure caught up in the slipstream,

253. belting towards the moment of truth at 100pmh,

254. heart pounding, pulse racing.

255. What it is, is—

256. On you go, mate. - Cheers.

257. I did it.

258. So, there I was, bird's-eye view,

259. whizzing by the Bru like that, "Ta-ta, giro,

260. maybe some other day, eh?

261. Cos I'm on the bus to Yoker."

262. Couldn't believe what I was hearing in my head, man.

263. Seriously.

264. This was actually happening!

265. But then I thought, "Hold on. Don't get too excited.

266. There could be somebody looking at the back of your nut right now, thinking,

267. 'Here, who's he? He's not from Yoker.

268. He's got no business being on this bus.

269. Get his head kicked in, man.'"

270. Turned around to see if anybody was looking.

271. Nobody.

272. Got away with it.

273. Just pure got away with the lot of it.

274. So, I loosened up and started chatting with folk,

275. get a wee bit of local knowledge before I got there.

276. So, is this bus for Yoker, aye?

277. Aye.

278. I've just moved there. Is it any good?

279. Aye, it's a lovely place. I've lived there all my life.

280. Yoker born and bred.

281. So, you've never once wondered what Yoker's like?

282. Mind-boggling.

283. Half an hour later, I start seeing the signs.

284. Yoker newsagents. Yoker post office.

285. Yoker FC. Yoker everything!

286. They even had a barber that rhymed with Yoker,

287. "Hair by Les Porter"!

288. What are the chances of that?

289. Here, what's the bets

290. his name used to be Smith or something,

291. and he just changed it to fit in?

292. What?

293. Get to the terminus, everybody starts piling off.

294. I hit the driver with my charms.

295. - Driver, when do you leave? - Five minutes.

296. I conked out and missed my stop.

297. Any chance you could print me a ticket

298. so I can nip off for a fag?

299. Cheers.

300. And I put my first step onto Yoker soil.

301. I was in Yoker.

302. I thought this day would never come.

303. Is it really this easy?

304. Is it really this easy to get the things you want in life?

305. You just need to hold out for it.

306. All of a sudden, I had the urge to just go like that,

307. "Here, I'm not from Yoker,

308. I've got no business being here."

309. I was, like, "Calm it, Dee Dee.

310. That's no laughing matter. They'd tear you to shreds.

311. Now, you've got five minutes,

312. where do you want to go,

313. what do you want to do in Yoker?"

314. I knew exactly what.

315. I had to.

316. I had to find out.

317. I couldn't leave

318. without finding out what this was all about.

319. The bus was a million miles away.

320. I thought, "Dee Dee, you truly are

321. on the outer reaches here, man.

322. Middle of nowhere."

323. And I went into the great unknown with a fucking ding.

324. To ask the one big question on everybody's lips.

325. Les Porter?

326. Aye.

327. Has your name always rhymed with "Yoker",

328. or did it used to be, like, Smith or something?

329. And then I thought,

330. "Dee Dee, you've just blown your cover big time.

331. Fuck you playing at, man? Go! Go!"

332. Got out of there

333. before they starting chucking their scissors at us

334. like ninja stars,

335. before big Les scalped us and stuck my head on the wall.

336. Ten seconds to get to that bus, man.

337. That's your lifeline.

338. What does it start doing? It starts moving.

339. I was like that, "No, man!" I felt like giving up!

340. Here, I'm not from Yoker.

341. I've got no business being in Yoker.

342. Let them finish me off like a pack of mad wolves.

343. But I just kept running for my life,

344. like I had Leatherface on my tail.

345. Get to the bus, but he wouldn't let us in.

346. I was like that, "Set-up. The whole thing's a set-up.

347. Them that were on that front bus, actors.

348. Actors! The lot of them, actors!"

349. The door opens and I bolt upstairs.

350. Right under the seat.

351. Didn't dare poke my head up for the next half hour,

352. in case they were going behind in a minibus,

353. gasping to feast on me like a shower of mad zombie pirates.

354. Pick a moment.

355. Up the road.

356. Up the stairs.

357. In the house.

358. Lock, lock, lock.

359. Scary, man. Scary.

360. But the best day of my life.

361. Hiya.

362. Do you ever have trouble with your spelling?

363. Do ever forget how to spell words like "necessary",

364. or "occasionally"?

365. Well, let me help.

366. "Necessary" is...

367. And there's "occasionally".

368. So, just take a wee moment to absorb that.

369. And that's you.

370. Oh, I'm not going into work today.

371. - How not? - I can't be bothered.

372. There's just so much to get done.

373. That's a bit daft, cos you're gonna have twice as much to do tomorrow.

374. I know, but I just—

375. If you're gonna take the day off, finish off the kitchen. It leaks.

376. I will.

377. - You said you were gonna do it weeks ago. - I know!

378. I think I'm gonna take another day off.

379. Again? But you took last week off.

380. It wasn't a week, it was just a day.

381. They all add up. You're making a rod for your own back.

382. - Did you finish the kitchen? - No, I will, but— - You said you would.

383. - The leaks have got worse. - I know, I will, but...

384. As much as I try and run away from my problems,

385. I just never seem to be able to do it.

386. But now I realise why.

387. You've got to actually, literally, physically—

388. Have you finished the kitchen yet?

389. Oh, here.

390. Problems?

391. What problems?

392. So, a lot of people get confused about our name,

393. Peaches and Cream.

394. They say, "What one's Peaches and what one's Cream?"

395. I think you're wrong.

396. You shouldn't have lied about Marti.

397. You again.

398. I thought about what you said,

399. about giving people hopes and dreams,

400. and, aye, that is a good thing.

401. But what good is it to hope for a dream to come true,

402. when your dream is built on a lie?

403. They deserve to know the truth.

404. Do you want the truth? Here's the truth.

405. You, your wee pals, and your wee karaoke are pathetic!

406. You'll never in a million years see anybody

407. that comes close to Marti Pellow!

408. That's the truth!

409. Hurts, doesn't it?

410. Now, who's gonna tell them that?

411. You?

412. And I thought you were a good boy.

413. But if you can kick their feet

414. from under them like that,

415. well, you're a bigger, badder man than I'll ever be.

416. - I'm not gonna tell them. - Wise move.

417. You are.

418. - Me? - Aye, you.

419. You're gonna come back to that karaoke,

420. and you're gonna tell them

421. what you should have told them.

422. The truth.

423. No.

424. Coming clean makes for some very dirty work.

425. Do it yourself.

426. As for me...

427. I'm out of here.

428. Thank you for joining us.

429. My name is Larry Forsyth,

430. and with me is Dr Stewart.

431. This week, Dr Stewart will be administering me with Zigzag.

432. A drug derived from a fungus native to Japan,

433. it is thought to have been used by the samurai in battle.

434. An hour-and-a-half later,

435. I was beginning to feel definite effects.

436. I'm feeling the urge to...

437. What was that?

438. I'm feeling the...

439. feeling the urge to...

440. As, again, that's...

441. Are you able to control those impulses?

442. No, they're happening quite of their own...

443. their own...

444. Is it an enjoyable experience?

445. No, it's rather unpleasant.

446. Could you get the nurse, please?

447. Nurse. Nurse.

448. At this point in the experiment,

449. I had to be subdued.

450. Stop! Stop!

451. What are you playing at?

452. What's this? What's this?

453. Are you off your nut? Drop them!

454. But here, you, don't be so quick to judge,

455. cos these lads are young, they're bored, they're full of beans,

456. they need some way to release the pressure.

457. You could go to the community centre but they shut that years ago.

458. - Am I right? - You're right, mate.

459. Community centre? What community centre?

460. - Am I right? - You're not wrong, pal.

461. Spot on.

462. So, fight. Have your fight.

463. But fight without fighting.

464. Have... a dummy fight.

465. Pa-pow!

466. Like so.

467. Pow, pow, pow, pow.

468. Like so.

469. - Fight!

470. So, you see, it's possible to have a fight, but without...

471. What are you doing?

472. - Didn't mean it. - Aye, neither you did.

473. Hey, hey, come on!

474. Yes!

475. I tried.

476. When we were thinking about a band name,

477. first of all we thought Two's Company,

478. and then we thought Partners in Crime,

479. and then, out of the blue...

480. Peaches and Cream!

481. Peaches and Cream! Peaches and Cream!

482. Peaches and Cream! Peaches and Cream! Argh!

483. Liar!

484. He's a liar! He made the whole thing up!

485. He lied about Marti Pellow! Hang him!

486. Hang him!

487. Do you hear that, mate? You are gonna hang for this.

488. Have you got anything to say for yourself, eh?

489. Any last words?

490. That's it! That's it!

491. Hang me! Hang me!

492. Go ahead and hang me! I'm not gonna stop you!

493. But I know a man who will.

494. Cos as I was being dragged here,

495. wishing I was lucky,

496. I realised that I could be doing with

497. a little help from my friends.

498. So, I phoned one.

499. And in case you haven't guessed who yet,

500. well, I'll keep it a sweet little mystery no more.

501. Ladies and gentlemen, please,

502. Mr Marti Pellow!

503. Kill him!

504. Liar! Liar!

505. Run!

506. Liar!

507. You're a liar!

508. Get back here!

509. We love Marti!

510. - You're a liar! - You're a liar!

511. You're nothing but a liar!

512. Nothing but a liar!

513. Get back here!

514. You liar!

515. Come back here!

516. You liar!