1. Hiya, how are you doing? I'm Limmy.Copy !req
2. Before we begin the show,
I just want to run a few tests first.Copy !req
3. What I want to do is I want to show you
a selection of videos,Copy !req
4. and depending on your reaction
to the videos, I'll be able to gaugeCopy !req
5. what kind of stuff you're into
and what kind of stuff you're no'.Copy !req
6. Fae that, I'll be able
to create you a showCopy !req
7. that is tailor-made just
for your sense of humour.Copy !req
8. I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
9. You're thinking, "He's talking shite.
He cannae do that."Copy !req
10. We can.Copy !req
11. We can do this now.Copy !req
12. If you don't believe me, phone up one
of your pals that's watching the show,Copy !req
13. and I guarantee you that the Limmy's
Show they'll be watching will beCopy !req
14. an entirely different Limmy's Show
from the one you're watching.Copy !req
15. In fact, see the people
in the same living room as you?Copy !req
16. They'll be watching an entirely
different Limmy's ShowCopy !req
17. from the one you're watching.Copy !req
18. That's why you might see them
laughing at bits you don't find funny.Copy !req
19. We can do this now.Copy !req
20. Anyway, shall we begin?Copy !req
21. Here's the first yin.Copy !req
22. OK. Let's try another.Copy !req
23. Let's try one more.Copy !req
24. Agh!Copy !req
25. Ash! Agh!Copy !req
26. I see.Copy !req
27. All right.
Let's try something different.Copy !req
28. I have the results of your tests here.Copy !req
29. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you have AIDS.Copy !req
30. Bit more psychological,
that one, wasn't it?Copy !req
31. Let's try another.Copy !req
32. I have the results of your test here.Copy !req
33. And I'm sorry,Copy !req
34. but you have AIDS.Copy !req
35. No, I'm only joking. You don't.Copy !req
36. One mair?Copy !req
37. I have the results of your tests here.Copy !req
38. And I'm sorry, but you have AIDS.Copy !req
39. No, I'm only joking, you don't!Copy !req
40. No, I'm only joking.Copy !req
41. You do. I'm sorry.Copy !req
42. OK. And now for something
completely different.Copy !req
43. And that completes the test.Copy !req
44. So let me just feed the results
into the computer.Copy !req
45. And I do believe
I've something lined up for you.Copy !req
46. So, ladies and gentlemen,
without further ado,Copy !req
47. welcome... to Limmy's Show.Copy !req
48. You're watching Adventure Call.Copy !req
49. My name is Falconhoof,Copy !req
50. and I will be your guide on your quest.Copy !req
51. Greetings, line one.
What is your name, traveller?Copy !req
52. Hello?Copy !req
53. Greetings, traveller. What is your name?Copy !req
54. - It's Chris.
- Are you ready to begin your quest?Copy !req
55. OK, let us begin.Copy !req
56. You're standing before a giant tree.Copy !req
57. At the foot of the tree is a hole.Copy !req
58. To your side lies an apple.Copy !req
59. Um... get apple.Copy !req
60. You put the apple in your bag.Copy !req
61. Go in hole.Copy !req
62. You travel down a flight of wooden stairs.Copy !req
63. You reach a corridor that leads north.Copy !req
64. On the wall is a spear.Copy !req
65. Get spear.Copy !req
66. You carry the spear.Copy !req
67. Go north.Copy !req
68. You reach the end of the corridor.Copy !req
69. There is a gate to the east.Copy !req
70. At the front of the gate is...Copy !req
71. a troll.Copy !req
72. Um... get troll.Copy !req
73. You cannot get the troll.Copy !req
74. Put troll in bag.Copy !req
75. You cannot put the troll in the bag.Copy !req
76. Um... get troll.Copy !req
77. I do not understand
how to get a troll, traveller.Copy !req
78. What is a troll?Copy !req
79. A troll is a creature.Copy !req
80. Remember, you have the spear.Copy !req
81. Right.Copy !req
82. Um... get creature.Copy !req
83. Game over.Copy !req
84. Game over. You have been killed.Copy !req
85. The troll does not allow you to get
the creature, and clubs you to death.Copy !req
86. You're dead. Most unfortunate.Copy !req
87. - Is that me?
- Let's take another call.Copy !req
88. Do you ever get bored?Copy !req
89. This bored?Copy !req
90. Bored out my nut.Copy !req
91. Unreal.Copy !req
92. I'm not going back in there
for at least another 20 year, man.Copy !req
93. Where's the beers?Copy !req
94. In the fridge.Copy !req
95. Right, so, what have we got, then?Copy !req
96. - There's a swan?
- Aye, maybe.Copy !req
97. Rooftops?Copy !req
98. - No.
- No, forget about rooftops.Copy !req
99. Oh, what is that?Copy !req
100. What's what?Copy !req
101. That.Copy !req
102. It's a carton of milk.Copy !req
103. - Check the size of that, you tramp!
- What?Copy !req
104. This is a classic!Copy !req
105. What are you doing?Copy !req
106. What are you doing with that carton?Copy !req
107. It's just a carton of milk,
just a pint of milk.Copy !req
108. - What did you get that for?
- Cos I wanted milk!Copy !req
109. "Cos I wanted milk"! Belter.
You'd better be sticking this online.Copy !req
110. Don't you worry, I am! Hold it up.Copy !req
111. It's just a pint of milk!Copy !req
112. "It's just a pint of milk"!
That? the problem.Copy !req
113. I know, exactly!
Who gets "just a pint of milk".Copy !req
114. What do yous get?Copy !req
115. Listen to him, pure trying to fit in!Copy !req
116. "What do yous get?
Can I be in your gang?"Copy !req
117. Hold it up.Copy !req
118. It's just a pint of milk.Copy !req
119. That was a clip from the
YouTube video phenomenonCopy !req
120. that's had a staggering 20 million
views in only four days.Copy !req
121. And here to talk us through it
is the man behind the pint carton.Copy !req
122. - Hello.
- Hiya.Copy !req
123. 20 million views. That is unheard of,
even in television terms.Copy !req
124. So what is it you think has made the
video so phenomenally successful?Copy !req
125. I really don't know.
It was just one of th...Copy !req
126. None of us planned it, it was just one
of these spur-of-the-moment things.Copy !req
127. I had a few friends over,Copy !req
128. and once they saw the carton of milk,
they just went into hysterics.Copy !req
129. I still don't really see
the funny side myself.Copy !req
130. So tell us about this carton.Copy !req
131. Aye, it was just a pint of milk
that I bought.Copy !req
132. "Just a pint of milk"!
That's one of the lines you use, isn't it?Copy !req
133. Aye. And...Copy !req
134. Aye, so once they saw it,
they just went into hysterics.Copy !req
135. I still don't really see...
Like I said, I don't seeCopy !req
136. what the funny side is myself,
but, I tell you what, the next time...Copy !req
137. Well, a lot of people do see
the funny side. 20 million of them.Copy !req
138. Uh-huh. But, hey, I tell you what,
the next time I buy some milk,Copy !req
139. there'll be more than a pint next time.
Two litres at least.Copy !req
140. Very good!Copy !req
141. Well, whatever you buy,
make sure you have someone filming you.Copy !req
142. I will.Copy !req
143. Thanks for joining us.Copy !req
144. All right, thanks, bye.Copy !req
145. Excuse me.Copy !req
146. Are you the pint-of-milk guy?Copy !req
147. Aye.Copy !req
148. I cannae stand you!Copy !req
149. Pint of milk!Copy !req
150. Life, eh?Copy !req
151. Life.Copy !req
152. Let me tell you about life.Copy !req
153. This ornament here represents
something precious in your life.Copy !req
154. Something delicate.Copy !req
155. Something special.Copy !req
156. It might not be of much value
to anybody else,Copy !req
157. but to you it is of great value.Copy !req
158. Aye.Copy !req
159. Something special.Copy !req
160. See this?Copy !req
161. This sledgehammer?Copy !req
162. This represents life.Copy !req
163. That's life.Copy !req
164. Why the gallus?Copy !req
165. Computer, show us that photo
that I took this morning.Copy !req
166. On screen.Copy !req
167. Zoom in on his face.Copy !req
168. Enhance.Copy !req
169. Computer, locate this man.Copy !req
170. Located.Copy !req
171. Right, on screen.Copy !req
172. On screen.Copy !req
173. Aye.Copy !req
174. Computer, is that an iPod he's got?Copy !req
175. Affirmative.Copy !req
176. Right, activate the microphone.Copy !req
177. - Activated
- Gie us a whistle.Copy !req
178. - Agh! Agh!Copy !req
179. Agh!Copy !req
180. There you go, mate.
You look where you're going. All right?Copy !req
181. You look where you're going.Copy !req
182. And the heartbreaking thing is
she will never knowCopy !req
183. that he wants to double-dildo with her.Copy !req
184. And he'll never know that
she wants to double-dildo with him.Copy !req
185. They'll just sit there, never knowing -Copy !req
186. never knowing that they're both just
a few words away fae heaven on earth.Copy !req
187. For God's sake, people... talk.Copy !req
188. Went for a wee spot of fishing
the other day.Copy !req
189. Well, I think that's everything,Copy !req
190. but let me know if there's anything
missing and I'll drop it aff.Copy !req
191. But I think that's everything.Copy !req
192. No, that looks like the lot.Copy !req
193. So this is it, eh?Copy !req
194. This is the end?Copy !req
195. Listen, we've talked about this.Copy !req
196. I still want to be pals,
but if you're gonnae...Copy !req
197. Sorry. I shouldnae have said that.
You got time for one last drink?Copy !req
198. No, I'd better not. I've got to head,
I've got stuff to...Copy !req
199. Go on, one last drink.Copy !req
200. Aye, awright.Copy !req
201. So, do you still see Doug and Michelle?Copy !req
202. Er... well, aye, actually.Copy !req
203. I saw them last night.Copy !req
204. They were saying they still want
to meet up with you,Copy !req
205. but I think they still feel a wee bit
weird about everything.Copy !req
206. They feel like they have to... I think
they feel that they have to pick sides.Copy !req
207. But I told them it's not like that.Copy !req
208. There's nae hard feelings and
we're still pals. Aye, nae hard feelings.Copy !req
209. Nae hard feelings.Copy !req
210. - Oh, shit, sorry.
- No, it was my fault, don't worry.Copy !req
211. - I'll get you another one.
- No, listen, I'd better go.Copy !req
212. No, I'll get you another.Copy !req
213. No, listen, I'd better go.
I'll see you later, right?Copy !req
214. Atchoo!Copy !req
215. Oh!Copy !req
216. Why are you still here?Copy !req
217. You know she didn't get me.Copy !req
218. You saw the glass drop on the ground.
Are you daft?Copy !req
219. Whenever I see somebody come out
of the hairdressers',Copy !req
220. no matter how good a haircut
they've got, I like to do this.Copy !req
221. After all, that's what they do to me.Copy !req
222. Sorry to bother you. Any chance
that I could use your bathroom?Copy !req
223. You know what I hate?Copy !req
224. 110%.Copy !req
225. I hate 110% 110%.Copy !req
226. In fact, picture this...Copy !req
227. And so, in recognition of your
contribution to the company,Copy !req
228. your loyalty, your diligence,
we'd like to make you a director.Copy !req
229. Seriously?Copy !req
230. Of course seriously.
You've absolutely earned it.Copy !req
231. This is... Oh, my God, you don't know
how much this means to me, sir.Copy !req
232. There's no need to call me "sir" any more.
These two certainly don't.Copy !req
233. Of course, sir. Sorry.Copy !req
234. But, really, I'll give this 110%.Copy !req
235. You'll give it what?Copy !req
236. - 110%.
- That's a pity.Copy !req
237. - Oh, dear.
- That's a pity.Copy !req
238. Because, one, a person cannot
give it any more than 100%Copy !req
239. by definition,
which means you're a bullshitter.Copy !req
240. Two, I've had you in here beforeCopy !req
241. telling me you were going
to give it 100%,Copy !req
242. but now that we know your 110%
is actually only 100%,Copy !req
243. that means your 100% is actually only...Copy !req
244. 100 divided by 110,Copy !req
245. times 100 equals...Copy !req
246. 91%.Copy !req
247. And you wouldn't have told me
you were going to give it 100%Copy !req
248. if you don't normally give it 100%,Copy !req
249. so I normally get less
than 91% out of you.Copy !req
250. Maybe something like 80-odd%.Copy !req
251. Maybe as little as 70-odd%, for all
I know. Which means you're a lazy bastard.Copy !req
252. So, three, clear your desk, pal,
cos you're fired!Copy !req
253. Sorry to interrupt the show, folks.
Sorry, but I've got a cracking idea.Copy !req
254. See the next time you're having
a conversation with one of your mates,Copy !req
255. a wee trivial conversation,
ask them to just,Copy !req
256. "Drop it. Just gonnae drop it?"Copy !req
257. No matter what you're talking about.Copy !req
258. Let's say you're talking
about wallpaper, right?Copy !req
259. Just come across like wallpaper
is just a bit of a touchy subjectCopy !req
260. for you right now, right?Copy !req
261. So let's say they're saying,Copy !req
262. "Oh, I bought this lovely flowery
wallpaper. It cost a fortune.Copy !req
263. "Lovely wallpaper."Copy !req
264. Go like that,Copy !req
265. "Wallpaper? Why are you talking...?Copy !req
266. "Just gonnae drop it?
just gonnae drop it?"Copy !req
267. They'll be like that, "What have I said?"
Go like that, "It's all right.Copy !req
268. "I'm fine, just give us a minute,
eh, mate?"Copy !req
269. Just do it. Keeps you interesting.Copy !req
270. - Hi, what can I get you?
- A half pound of bacon, please?Copy !req
271. Lean?Copy !req
272. A half pound of bacon, please.Copy !req
273. Oh, and another thing.Copy !req
274. See in a few weeks from now?
Bring it up again.Copy !req
275. Reinforce it.Copy !req
276. Let's say youse are talking about
something completely different.Copy !req
277. Say, the weather, right?Copy !req
278. And your pal says, "Lovely weather
we've been having, haven't we?"Copy !req
279. Say, "Aye, lovely weather, aye.Copy !req
280. "Listen, why did you bring upCopy !req
281. "that thing about the wallpaper
the other week?"Copy !req
282. They'll be like that,Copy !req
283. "What? I was just telling you
about my wallpaper. What is it?"Copy !req
284. Go like that, "Did you mean to?"Copy !req
285. "Er, did I mean to what?"Copy !req
286. Go, "You really don't know,
don't you no'?"Copy !req
287. They'll be like that, "I don't know? What
is this thing about you and wallpaper?"Copy !req
288. Go like that, "just gonnae drop it?Copy !req
289. "I asked you to drop it!"Copy !req
290. Just do it, right?Copy !req
291. Makes you interesting.Copy !req
292. My name's Jacqueline McCafferty,
and I want to be on Big Brother.Copy !req
293. And I'll tell you why.Copy !req
294. I used to be a junkie.Copy !req
295. I'm not embarrassed to admit it.
I used to be a junkie.Copy !req
296. I lost three year of my life on heroinCopy !req
297. and another five on a methadone programme
that was meant to get us aff it.Copy !req
298. I lost my self-respect,
I lost my daughter to the Social,Copy !req
299. I lost everything.Copy !req
300. I lost everything.Copy !req
301. I lost everything.Copy !req
302. But that's me clean,
and I want to tell the worldCopy !req
303. that I'm not the Jacqueline McCafferty
that they thought they knew.Copy !req
304. And the only way I can do that
is by getting on Big Brother.Copy !req
305. Anybody tries any shite with me,
and I'll be givin' 'em what for.Copy !req
306. Especially that Davina McCall.
Especially her.Copy !req
307. If she comes up to me,
tries to give me that junkie patter,Copy !req
308. any of that "I used to be a junkie
and all" patter, I'll no' be having it.Copy !req
309. Cos she wisnae a real junkie.
She just tried it out.Copy !req
310. She was on the heroin, but she
was on the coke and all, and eccies.Copy !req
311. She was never into it full-time,
so see if she comes up to meCopy !req
312. and gives me any of that
looking down her nose,Copy !req
313. any of that looking down
that hook nose of hers...?Copy !req
314. Cos I'm not the only one
that's noticed that, by the way.Copy !req
315. Looks down her nose and tries
to give me any of that junkie...Copy !req
316. Hen, do you want to show me
how to...?Copy !req
317. How am I meant to know
if it's recording, hen?Copy !req
318. Because I cannae see the...
That's it recording now, hen, I've got it.Copy !req
319. I was just saying...
I pressed the button.Copy !req
320. What, she thinks just cos
she's got off a wee bit of heroin,Copy !req
321. a wee tiny bit of heroin,
just taking it for a few months,Copy !req
322. what, cos she bounces back from that
she's the pure comeback queen, aye?Copy !req
323. Who does she think she is,
Marti Pellow? She's no' Marti...Copy !req
324. Am I supposed to point this
at the thing, hen?Copy !req
325. No, it's all right, it's working noo.Copy !req
326. I hate her. All right?Copy !req
327. I hate her. I'll say it now, before I get
banned for saying it in there.Copy !req
328. I hate her, right? She's nothing.Copy !req
329. She's a junkie. She's no' a junkie.Copy !req
330. She's a lot. She's everything.
She's nothing.Copy !req
331. She's cuttin' about
as if she's not a junkie.Copy !req
332. Let me tell you something,Copy !req
333. you're always a junkie.Copy !req
334. All right, McCall? You're always a junkie.Copy !req
335. You got a mad junkie nose, all right?Copy !req
336. Everybody can see you're a junkie.Copy !req
337. You're more a junkie than me,Copy !req
338. cos you're the one that was
on the coke and eccies, all right?Copy !req
339. And don't think that just having
three weans, you'll end up...Copy !req
340. Sweetheart, this button
keeps pressing itself.Copy !req
341. People say she's got some arse.
Well, I beg to differ. I beg to differ.Copy !req
342. I'd get on with normal people,
it's just Davina McCall,Copy !req
343. just keep her away from us, right?Copy !req
344. My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.Copy !req
345. You!Copy !req
346. You!Copy !req
347. You!Copy !req
348. John?Copy !req
349. Long time no see, mate.Copy !req
350. All right, Craig?Copy !req
351. Aye, fine, aye. How's yourself?
What you been up to?Copy !req
352. You all right?Copy !req
353. Aye, good. Just workin' away, you know?Copy !req
354. - Did you manage to get a job?
- I did, aye, but it's shite.Copy !req
355. Just production-line stuff. I stand there
all day, putting components into boxes...Copy !req
356. Mind that acid we took in school?Copy !req
357. Aye, the last day of school, aye.Copy !req
358. Christ, I'd forgot all about that.Copy !req
359. I think that was the last time
I saw you, actually.Copy !req
360. Mind Mrs Gillespie?Copy !req
361. Mind we knocked all the pencils
aff her desk...?Copy !req
362. I'm still tripping.Copy !req
363. What?Copy !req
364. I'm still tripping, bud.Copy !req
365. I'm on a permo.Copy !req
366. I'm on a permanent trip.Copy !req
367. What, you mean you're having flashbacks?Copy !req
368. Naw, I don't get flashbacks.Copy !req
369. To get back flashbacks,
you've got to stop tripping, haven't you?Copy !req
370. Get flashbacks to when you were tripping.Copy !req
371. But I've no' stopped tripping
I'm tripping all the time, mate.Copy !req
372. I'm out of my nut all the time,
see mad things all the time.Copy !req
373. What, hallucinations?
Are you getting them right now?Copy !req
374. Oh, aye.Copy !req
375. And what is it you're seeing?Copy !req
376. I see people.Copy !req
377. Thousands of people are staring at us.
Don't even know if they're there or no'.Copy !req
378. And where are they?Copy !req
379. There.Copy !req
380. And what are they doing?Copy !req
381. Just staring.Copy !req
382. Laughing.Copy !req
383. She's no' laughing, though.Copy !req
384. She is now.Copy !req
385. And he hates us, him.Copy !req
386. Look, mate, for what it's worth,
there's naebody there. There's naebody...Copy !req
387. No. no, no, sorry.Copy !req
388. I'm just going to stop this sketch
right here, cos that doesnae make sense.Copy !req
389. He's just after saying yous don't exist,Copy !req
390. but yous know youse do exist,Copy !req
391. so who is actually tripping here?Copy !req
392. Well, that's for you to decide.Copy !req
393. Because some of yous might think,Copy !req
394. "Well, it's obvious who's tripping,
it's the guy that's on the permo."Copy !req
395. Some of yous might think,
"No, it's the other guy,Copy !req
396. "he's the one that thinks
we don't exist, when we do.Copy !req
397. "He's the one that's tripping."Copy !req
398. Or you might think, "No, you know
who's tripping? I know who's tripping.Copy !req
399. "It's Limmy that's tripping, cos he's the
one that's coming up with this shite!"Copy !req
400. Aye, but you know what?
Maybe it's you that's tripping.Copy !req
401. Maybe you've been tripping
this whole time!Copy !req
402. Ladies and gentlemen,
thanks a lot. See you later.Copy !req