Limmy's Show! 1x6

1. Hiya, how are you doing? I'm Limmy.

2. Before we begin the show, I just want to run a few tests first.

3. What I want to do is I want to show you a selection of videos,

4. and depending on your reaction to the videos, I'll be able to gauge

5. what kind of stuff you're into and what kind of stuff you're no'.

6. Fae that, I'll be able to create you a show

7. that is tailor-made just for your sense of humour.

8. I know what you're thinking.

9. You're thinking, "He's talking shite. He cannae do that."

10. We can.

11. We can do this now.

12. If you don't believe me, phone up one of your pals that's watching the show,

13. and I guarantee you that the Limmy's Show they'll be watching will be

14. an entirely different Limmy's Show from the one you're watching.

15. In fact, see the people in the same living room as you?

16. They'll be watching an entirely different Limmy's Show

17. from the one you're watching.

18. That's why you might see them laughing at bits you don't find funny.

19. We can do this now.

20. Anyway, shall we begin?

21. Here's the first yin.

22. OK. Let's try another.

23. Let's try one more.

24. Agh!

25. Ash! Agh!

26. I see.

27. All right. Let's try something different.

28. I have the results of your tests here.

29. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you have AIDS.

30. Bit more psychological, that one, wasn't it?

31. Let's try another.

32. I have the results of your test here.

33. And I'm sorry,

34. but you have AIDS.

35. No, I'm only joking. You don't.

36. One mair?

37. I have the results of your tests here.

38. And I'm sorry, but you have AIDS.

39. No, I'm only joking, you don't!

40. No, I'm only joking.

41. You do. I'm sorry.

42. OK. And now for something completely different.

43. And that completes the test.

44. So let me just feed the results into the computer.

45. And I do believe I've something lined up for you.

46. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado,

47. welcome... to Limmy's Show.

48. You're watching Adventure Call.

49. My name is Falconhoof,

50. and I will be your guide on your quest.

51. Greetings, line one. What is your name, traveller?

52. Hello?

53. Greetings, traveller. What is your name?

54. - It's Chris. - Are you ready to begin your quest?

55. OK, let us begin.

56. You're standing before a giant tree.

57. At the foot of the tree is a hole.

58. To your side lies an apple.

59. Um... get apple.

60. You put the apple in your bag.

61. Go in hole.

62. You travel down a flight of wooden stairs.

63. You reach a corridor that leads north.

64. On the wall is a spear.

65. Get spear.

66. You carry the spear.

67. Go north.

68. You reach the end of the corridor.

69. There is a gate to the east.

70. At the front of the gate is...

71. a troll.

72. Um... get troll.

73. You cannot get the troll.

74. Put troll in bag.

75. You cannot put the troll in the bag.

76. Um... get troll.

77. I do not understand how to get a troll, traveller.

78. What is a troll?

79. A troll is a creature.

80. Remember, you have the spear.

81. Right.

82. Um... get creature.

83. Game over.

84. Game over. You have been killed.

85. The troll does not allow you to get the creature, and clubs you to death.

86. You're dead. Most unfortunate.

87. - Is that me? - Let's take another call.

88. Do you ever get bored?

89. This bored?

90. Bored out my nut.

91. Unreal.

92. I'm not going back in there for at least another 20 year, man.

93. Where's the beers?

94. In the fridge.

95. Right, so, what have we got, then?

96. - There's a swan? - Aye, maybe.

97. Rooftops?

98. - No. - No, forget about rooftops.

99. Oh, what is that?

100. What's what?

101. That.

102. It's a carton of milk.

103. - Check the size of that, you tramp! - What?

104. This is a classic!

105. What are you doing?

106. What are you doing with that carton?

107. It's just a carton of milk, just a pint of milk.

108. - What did you get that for? - Cos I wanted milk!

109. "Cos I wanted milk"! Belter. You'd better be sticking this online.

110. Don't you worry, I am! Hold it up.

111. It's just a pint of milk!

112. "It's just a pint of milk"! That? the problem.

113. I know, exactly! Who gets "just a pint of milk".

114. What do yous get?

115. Listen to him, pure trying to fit in!

116. "What do yous get? Can I be in your gang?"

117. Hold it up.

118. It's just a pint of milk.

119. That was a clip from the YouTube video phenomenon

120. that's had a staggering 20 million views in only four days.

121. And here to talk us through it is the man behind the pint carton.

122. - Hello. - Hiya.

123. 20 million views. That is unheard of, even in television terms.

124. So what is it you think has made the video so phenomenally successful?

125. I really don't know. It was just one of th...

126. None of us planned it, it was just one of these spur-of-the-moment things.

127. I had a few friends over,

128. and once they saw the carton of milk, they just went into hysterics.

129. I still don't really see the funny side myself.

130. So tell us about this carton.

131. Aye, it was just a pint of milk that I bought.

132. "Just a pint of milk"! That's one of the lines you use, isn't it?

133. Aye. And...

134. Aye, so once they saw it, they just went into hysterics.

135. I still don't really see... Like I said, I don't see

136. what the funny side is myself, but, I tell you what, the next time...

137. Well, a lot of people do see the funny side. 20 million of them.

138. Uh-huh. But, hey, I tell you what, the next time I buy some milk,

139. there'll be more than a pint next time. Two litres at least.

140. (LAUGHS) Very good!

141. Well, whatever you buy, make sure you have someone filming you.

142. I will.

143. Thanks for joining us.

144. All right, thanks, bye.

145. Excuse me.

146. Are you the pint-of-milk guy?

147. Aye.

148. I cannae stand you!

149. Pint of milk!

150. Life, eh?

151. Life.

152. Let me tell you about life.

153. This ornament here represents something precious in your life.

154. Something delicate.

155. Something special.

156. It might not be of much value to anybody else,

157. but to you it is of great value.

158. Aye.

159. Something special.

160. See this?

161. This sledgehammer?

162. This represents life.

163. That's life.

164. Why the gallus?

165. Computer, show us that photo that I took this morning.

166. On screen.

167. Zoom in on his face.

168. Enhance.

169. Computer, locate this man.

170. Located.

171. Right, on screen.

172. On screen.

173. Aye.

174. Computer, is that an iPod he's got?

175. Affirmative.

176. Right, activate the microphone.

177. - Activated - Gie us a whistle.

178. - (SHRILL WHISTLE) - Agh! Agh!

179. Agh!

180. There you go, mate. You look where you're going. All right?

181. You look where you're going.

182. And the heartbreaking thing is she will never know

183. that he wants to double-dildo with her.

184. And he'll never know that she wants to double-dildo with him.

185. They'll just sit there, never knowing -

186. never knowing that they're both just a few words away fae heaven on earth.

187. For God's sake, people... talk.

188. Went for a wee spot of fishing the other day.

189. Well, I think that's everything,

190. but let me know if there's anything missing and I'll drop it aff.

191. But I think that's everything.

192. No, that looks like the lot.

193. So this is it, eh?

194. This is the end?

195. Listen, we've talked about this.

196. I still want to be pals, but if you're gonnae...

197. Sorry. I shouldnae have said that. You got time for one last drink?

198. No, I'd better not. I've got to head, I've got stuff to...

199. Go on, one last drink.

200. Aye, awright.

201. So, do you still see Doug and Michelle?

202. Er... well, aye, actually.

203. I saw them last night.

204. They were saying they still want to meet up with you,

205. but I think they still feel a wee bit weird about everything.

206. They feel like they have to... I think they feel that they have to pick sides.

207. But I told them it's not like that.

208. There's nae hard feelings and we're still pals. Aye, nae hard feelings.

209. Nae hard feelings.

210. - Oh, shit, sorry. - No, it was my fault, don't worry.

211. - I'll get you another one. - No, listen, I'd better go.

212. No, I'll get you another.

213. No, listen, I'd better go. I'll see you later, right?

214. Atchoo!

215. Oh!

216. Why are you still here?

217. You know she didn't get me.

218. You saw the glass drop on the ground. Are you daft?

219. Whenever I see somebody come out of the hairdressers',

220. no matter how good a haircut they've got, I like to do this.

221. After all, that's what they do to me.

222. Sorry to bother you. Any chance that I could use your bathroom?

223. - (LAUGHTER) - (SCREAMING)

224. You know what I hate?

225. 110%.

226. I hate 110% 110%.

227. In fact, picture this...

228. And so, in recognition of your contribution to the company,

229. your loyalty, your diligence, we'd like to make you a director.

230. Seriously?

231. Of course seriously. You've absolutely earned it.

232. This is... Oh, my God, you don't know how much this means to me, sir.

233. There's no need to call me "sir" any more. These two certainly don't.

234. Of course, sir. Sorry.

235. But, really, I'll give this 110%.

236. You'll give it what?

237. - 110%. - That's a pity.

238. - Oh, dear. - That's a pity.

239. Because, one, a person cannot give it any more than 100%

240. by definition, which means you're a bullshitter.

241. Two, I've had you in here before

242. telling me you were going to give it 100%,

243. but now that we know your 110% is actually only 100%,

244. that means your 100% is actually only...

245. 100 divided by 110,

246. times 100 equals...

247. 91%.

248. And you wouldn't have told me you were going to give it 100%

249. if you don't normally give it 100%,

250. so I normally get less than 91% out of you.

251. Maybe something like 80-odd%.

252. Maybe as little as 70-odd%, for all I know. Which means you're a lazy bastard.

253. So, three, clear your desk, pal, cos you're fired!

254. Sorry to interrupt the show, folks. Sorry, but I've got a cracking idea.

255. See the next time you're having a conversation with one of your mates,

256. a wee trivial conversation, ask them to just,

257. "Drop it. Just gonnae drop it?"

258. No matter what you're talking about.

259. Let's say you're talking about wallpaper, right?

260. Just come across like wallpaper is just a bit of a touchy subject

261. for you right now, right?

262. So let's say they're saying,

263. "Oh, I bought this lovely flowery wallpaper. It cost a fortune.

264. "Lovely wallpaper."

265. Go like that,

266. "Wallpaper? Why are you talking...?

267. "Just gonnae drop it? just gonnae drop it?"

268. They'll be like that, "What have I said?" Go like that, "It's all right.

269. "I'm fine, just give us a minute, eh, mate?"

270. Just do it. Keeps you interesting.

271. - Hi, what can I get you? - A half pound of bacon, please?

272. Lean?

273. A half pound of bacon, please.

274. Oh, and another thing.

275. See in a few weeks from now? Bring it up again.

276. Reinforce it.

277. Let's say youse are talking about something completely different.

278. Say, the weather, right?

279. And your pal says, "Lovely weather we've been having, haven't we?"

280. Say, "Aye, lovely weather, aye.

281. "Listen, why did you bring up

282. "that thing about the wallpaper the other week?"

283. They'll be like that,

284. "What? I was just telling you about my wallpaper. What is it?"

285. Go like that, "Did you mean to?"

286. "Er, did I mean to what?"

287. Go, "You really don't know, don't you no'?"

288. They'll be like that, "I don't know? What is this thing about you and wallpaper?"

289. Go like that, "just gonnae drop it?

290. "I asked you to drop it!"

291. Just do it, right?

292. Makes you interesting.

293. My name's Jacqueline McCafferty, and I want to be on Big Brother.

294. And I'll tell you why.

295. I used to be a junkie.

296. I'm not embarrassed to admit it. I used to be a junkie.

297. I lost three year of my life on heroin

298. and another five on a methadone programme that was meant to get us aff it.

299. I lost my self-respect, I lost my daughter to the Social,

300. I lost everything.

301. I lost everything.

302. I lost everything.

303. But that's me clean, and I want to tell the world

304. that I'm not the Jacqueline McCafferty that they thought they knew.

305. And the only way I can do that is by getting on Big Brother.

306. Anybody tries any shite with me, and I'll be givin' 'em what for.

307. Especially that Davina McCall. Especially her.

308. If she comes up to me, tries to give me that junkie patter,

309. any of that "I used to be a junkie and all" patter, I'll no' be having it.

310. Cos she wisnae a real junkie. She just tried it out.

311. She was on the heroin, but she was on the coke and all, and eccies.

312. She was never into it full-time, so see if she comes up to me

313. and gives me any of that looking down her nose,

314. any of that looking down that hook nose of hers...?

315. Cos I'm not the only one that's noticed that, by the way.

316. Looks down her nose and tries to give me any of that junkie...

317. Hen, do you want to show me how to...?

318. How am I meant to know if it's recording, hen?

319. Because I cannae see the... That's it recording now, hen, I've got it.

320. I was just saying... I pressed the button.

321. What, she thinks just cos she's got off a wee bit of heroin,

322. a wee tiny bit of heroin, just taking it for a few months,

323. what, cos she bounces back from that she's the pure comeback queen, aye?

324. Who does she think she is, Marti Pellow? She's no' Marti...

325. Am I supposed to point this at the thing, hen?

326. No, it's all right, it's working noo.

327. I hate her. All right?

328. I hate her. I'll say it now, before I get banned for saying it in there.

329. I hate her, right? She's nothing.

330. She's a junkie. She's no' a junkie.

331. She's a lot. She's everything. She's nothing.

332. She's cuttin' about as if she's not a junkie.

333. Let me tell you something,

334. you're always a junkie.

335. All right, McCall? You're always a junkie.

336. You got a mad junkie nose, all right?

337. Everybody can see you're a junkie.

338. You're more a junkie than me,

339. cos you're the one that was on the coke and eccies, all right?

340. And don't think that just having three weans, you'll end up...

341. Sweetheart, this button keeps pressing itself.

342. People say she's got some arse. Well, I beg to differ. I beg to differ.

343. I'd get on with normal people, it's just Davina McCall,

344. just keep her away from us, right?

345. My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.

346. You!

347. You!

348. You!

349. John?

350. Long time no see, mate.

351. All right, Craig?

352. Aye, fine, aye. How's yourself? What you been up to?

353. You all right?

354. Aye, good. Just workin' away, you know?

355. - Did you manage to get a job? - I did, aye, but it's shite.

356. Just production-line stuff. I stand there all day, putting components into boxes...

357. Mind that acid we took in school?

358. Aye, the last day of school, aye.

359. Christ, I'd forgot all about that.

360. I think that was the last time I saw you, actually.

361. Mind Mrs Gillespie?

362. Mind we knocked all the pencils aff her desk...?

363. I'm still tripping.

364. What?

365. I'm still tripping, bud.

366. I'm on a permo.

367. I'm on a permanent trip.

368. What, you mean you're having flashbacks?

369. Naw, I don't get flashbacks.

370. To get back flashbacks, you've got to stop tripping, haven't you?

371. Get flashbacks to when you were tripping.

372. But I've no' stopped tripping I'm tripping all the time, mate.

373. I'm out of my nut all the time, see mad things all the time.

374. What, hallucinations? Are you getting them right now?

375. Oh, aye.

376. And what is it you're seeing?

377. I see people.

378. Thousands of people are staring at us. Don't even know if they're there or no'.

379. And where are they?

380. There.

381. And what are they doing?

382. Just staring.

383. Laughing.

384. She's no' laughing, though.

385. She is now.

386. And he hates us, him.

387. Look, mate, for what it's worth, there's naebody there. There's naebody...

388. No. no, no, sorry.

389. I'm just going to stop this sketch right here, cos that doesnae make sense.

390. He's just after saying yous don't exist,

391. but yous know youse do exist,

392. so who is actually tripping here?

393. Well, that's for you to decide.

394. Because some of yous might think,

395. "Well, it's obvious who's tripping, it's the guy that's on the permo."

396. Some of yous might think, "No, it's the other guy,

397. "he's the one that thinks we don't exist, when we do.

398. "He's the one that's tripping."

399. Or you might think, "No, you know who's tripping? I know who's tripping.

400. "It's Limmy that's tripping, cos he's the one that's coming up with this shite!"

401. Aye, but you know what? Maybe it's you that's tripping.

402. Maybe you've been tripping this whole time!

403. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot. See you later.