Limmy's Show! 1x4

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More arresting comedy. Hard-bitten ex-junkie Jacqueline McCafferty wants a family portrait for her living room, primary school power broker Wee Gary offers solutions to embarrassing problems at a price, urban menace John Paul chases his next victim to the toilet, and Limmy has a nightmare.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Welcome to Limmy's Show.

2. Imagine you just started following somebody.

3. Can I help you?

4. Naw, I'm just... I'm just looking...

5. I'm just looking.

6. Sure. If you need a wee hand, just give me a shout.

7. Awright.

8. I'd say we've got to go on holiday again, the four of us,

9. even if it is just for a weekend. That was some laugh, wasn't it?

10. That reminds me.

11. You know me and Rachel are getting married next year?

12. Mm-hm. Well, I was wondering if... if you fancied being my best man.

13. - Really? - Aye.

14. Look, if you're no' up for it, it's fine.

15. No, no, it's no' that.

16. Is it no' usually your brother that's supposed to be your best man?

17. Aye, the tradition is you get your brother,

18. but see over the last few years,

19. you've been more like a brother to me than he has.

20. Seriously, I love my brother, but you and me, we're joined at the hip.

21. We're like Ant and Dec. Naw, you've always been there to help.

22. You've... You're always there to listen. I mean, I can tell you anything.

23. You know I've always had trouble opening up, trusting people.

24. It's because of the way my dad was, you know all that.

25. Oh, listen, mate, I'd be honoured.

26. Pure bubbling here.

27. Right, listen, I've got a secret to tell ye.

28. What?

29. It's just something I want to get cleared oot the way.

30. I never thought we'd be pals like this,

31. but now you've asked me to be your best man,

32. I just thought I'd just come clean, get it oot the way.

33. What, have ye been knocking money oot my wallet?

34. Naw. Em. It's nothin' really, it's...

35. Right... Right, you'll never believe how we first met.

36. Aye, in the shop.

37. Well, aye, I suppose it was. But, eh, right...

38. Do you know for the first couple of years we were pals,

39. I was, like, effectively stalking you?

40. How do I explain?

41. Eh, right, you know when I started working at your work?

42. Aye.

43. I only took that job... to get closer to you.

44. That's weird as fuck.

45. I cannae even look at you when you're saying that.

46. - Imagine you did dae that! - It's true!

47. I just decided one day I was going to pick somebody at random,

48. get right into their life, and that was you.

49. Like, you gave a pound to a beggar, I think it was, and, er,

50. then you were looking in a shop windae, nearly ran right into you there.

51. And then I followed you round the corner, you went into your work.

52. And I followed you in and I applied for the job, and that was that.

53. I remember that.

54. I remember giving a pound to a homeless guy.

55. But how do you know that?

56. Cos I followed you!

57. Who are you?

58. Look, who's being weird now, mate?

59. - C'mon, it's me. - Get away from me!

60. Who are you?

61. This...

62. The whole... the whole... so the whole thing's a lie?

63. The whole thing's a lie. Ma da...

64. The whole thing's a...

65. A lie, a lie...

66. And he went on to have a complete nervous breakdown,

67. and he threw hisself aff the Kelvin Bridge.

68. Ma name's Jacqueline McCafferty.

69. I lost three years of my life on heroin,

70. and another five years on a methadone programme

71. that was meant to get us aff it.

72. Got ma daughter taken aff us, the lot.

73. But noo that I've got her back, I'm going to make sure

74. she gets the family she never got.

75. Splendid, mate, splendid.

76. Jacqueline, is it?

77. - Aye, and this is my daughter. - Hiya.

78. Hiya.

79. So, er, are you happy with it?

80. Oh, mair than happy, mate. Mair than happy.

81. Mum, what is this?

82. The man's going to take a photie

83. and he's gonnae use his computer to make it look like we're on holiday.

84. The way we would have been, hen, if I wisnae away being so stupit!

85. But I'm back noo. Back and better than before

86. and better than that lot oot there looking doon their noses.

87. We're going to hang some pictures on the wall, hen, starting wi' this one,

88. - and I'm gonnae make sure... - McCafferty!

89. Jacqueline McCafferty!

90. You're barred.

91. Is this a fucking wind-up?

92. Naw. You're barred oot o' this supermarket for shoplifting

93. and you know that, Jacqueline.

94. No, I don't. Mate, it's no' me. I don't care what you say.

95. I'm no' havin' this conversation wi' ye - I remember your face.

96. Your name's Jacqueline McCafferty,

97. and I'm no' surprised you cannae remember mine,

98. efter the state you were in, in court.

99. Out!

100. Mate, gonnae gie's a break? I'm clean. Awright?

101. I'm fuckin' clean. I've booked this studio time here.

102. I just want a photie o' ma daughter.

103. Can I no' just get a photie o' ma daughter? I'm fuckin' clean!

104. Awright, get your photograph taken and then get oot.

105. OK, just pick up where we left off?

106. Nice big smiles.

107. I try. I try to put my past behind me,

108. but there on the wa' is ma daughter, looking right into its eyes.

109. D'you want to just bin it?

110. No, Mum! Promise me you'll never bin it.

111. I promise.

112. It'll never let me go.

113. Naw, sorry, sorry, sorry.

114. Why are we here?

115. Why are we here? The folk wi' the laptops, why are we here?

116. What do you mean?

117. Because... I've came in here to use the Wi-Fi

118. when I've got Wi-Fi in the hoose.

119. I only stay roon the corner and I know yous dae and all,

120. cos I've seen you here before, I've seen you here before.

121. I've seen you here before.

122. I'm paying £2 for a cup of tea! £2 for a cup of hot water and a tea bag,

123. just so that I can use the Wi-Fi connection

124. when I'm already paying for one. Seriously, why are we here?

125. - It's nice to get oot. - What?

126. - It's nice to get oot. - But we're no' oot. We're in.

127. This may as well be your hoose.

128. The only difference being, in this hoose, you've got nae control over the music,

129. so you got to put up wi' that shite.

130. You've got a living room full of complete strangers who don't want to speak to ye

131. and o'er there behind the counter you've got

132. like a flatmate who'll make you a cup o' tea any time you want,

133. as long as you slip him a couple o' quid a pop?

134. Seriously, why are we here?

135. - It's up my shiter.

136. Urgh!

137. Thank you. Um, yeah. I just want to ask this question.

138. I'm quite surprised it hasn't came up during the debate so far,

139. considering it's about war. Um...

140. does the panel think that a person has the right to kill another person?

141. Well, thank you for giving me probably the most difficult question of the night.

142. And it is a difficult question -

143. does someone have the right to take another person's life?

144. Well, the answer to that differs greatly, depending on the situation.

145. For example, if you're were in a kill-or-be-killed situation,

146. the answer is very different than if you were, you know, a serial killer.

147. Does someone have the right to kill another person?

148. - Now, a few things you have... - Excuse me, sorry, sorry.

149. I suppose I'm not making myself clear here.

150. I'm only asking for a yes or no.

151. Sure, sure, I totally understand,

152. but it is a difficult question and it requires an answer that...

153. Yeah, just a yes or no will suffice. Um...

154. Yeah, like I said, I completely understand,

155. but it isn't as simple as a yes or no. We have to ask...

156. How simple do you want it? Yes or no.

157. To answer your question, if I may be allowed to answer your question,

158. you're asking me to, you know... does someone have the right

159. to take another person's life?

160. And I'm trying to say, well, you know, the answer differs greatly, depending on...

161. No, no, no, no, no. Yes or no? Yes or no? Yes or no?

162. You cannae even... you cannae even answer yes or no!

163. Sure. I completely understand, but it isn't as simple as...

164. I'm just asking for a yes or no.

165. Do you think someone has the right to kill another person, yes or no? Yes or no?

166. Look, I am trying to answer you, but you're asking me to give a yes or no.

167. It's very difficult to give a yes or no to that type of question.

168. How is it a difficult question?

169. - I'm only asking for a yes or no. - I know, but it isn't as simple...

170. The answer can't be as black and white as...

171. No, no, no. Yes or no?

172. Yes or no? Yes or no?

173. - Yes or no? - OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

174. - If you were in the circumstance... - Yes or no?

175. Yes or no?

176. You cannae even answer yes or no!

177. Yes or no?

178. What do you want me to say? Do you want me to just say yes?

179. - Do you want me to just say... - Hmm? Huh? What? Hm? Hm? Huh?

180. I'll kill you, ya wank.

181. Topper, eh?

182. Topper.

183. Computer...

184. select 10% of all pairs of socks worldwide.

185. Selected.

186. Target one sock from each pair.

187. Targets locked.

188. Fire.

189. Complete.

190. - Whit? Whit? - What is it?

191. It's as if...

192. It's as if whit?

193. Aw, nothin'.

194. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, folks.

195. I need to have a word wi' ye.

196. It's came to my attention that some of yous watching the show right noo

197. think my show... is crap.

198. It's no' crap.

199. The reason why ye think it's crap isnae because it's no' funny,

200. naw, naw, naw, naw, naw.

201. It's because you're just thinkin' aboot it too much.

202. I mean, picture a dug in the back seat o' a motor,

203. going doon a motorway at 70 mile an hour.

204. Noo, a dog doesnae worry itself aboot how everythin' works,

205. a dug disnae go like that, "You know, what's this a' aboot?

206. "What's this a' aboot? This cannae be possible! Whit does this a' mean?

207. "How can we be gaun this fast doon this motorway?

208. "This thing hasn't even got legs! How does it a' work?"

209. The dug disnae question the physics of what's gaun on aroon it.

210. It simply sticks its heid oot the windae

211. and enjoys the sensation of that 70-mile-an-hour wind in its face,

212. the way it makes its ears flap aboot,

213. the way it makes it feel like it's flyin' doon the street.

214. And how is a dug able to be so chilled oot about everythin'?

215. Cos it doesnae think aboot everything so much!

216. Be like the dug.

217. Is that right, Dina?

218. Is it too late, aye?

219. Check this oot.

220. Again.

221. Here, Dina,

222. looks like if there's anybody's that too late aroon here, it's you!

223. - Are you awright? - Aye. I could have got electrocuted.

224. That looks nasty. You got aff lightly.

225. - You could have been electrocuted. - That's what I was just saying there.

226. So there's me chilling oot in the playground, letting ma lunch settle.

227. Steg bolts up to me, and he's like that,

228. "Gary, Gary, you don't know what a dildo is."

229. I was like that, "Aye, I dae."

230. Steg was like that, "Prove it!"

231. I was like that, "Steven, Steven,

232. "don't try and teach your granny to suck eggs, mate."

233. Steg was like that, "What?"

234. So I pointed oot to him that I was well aware that Big Raymy was making

235. a laughing stock o' anybody who didnae know what a dildo was.

236. And if Steg wanted the knowledge to avoid such a fate, it would cost him.

237. Steg says, "How much?"

238. I says, "What you got?"

239. He says, "All I've got is cola cubes." I says, "Give me four."

240. And he starts getting them oot his bag.

241. I says, "You know, Steg, he's no' just asking people what a dildo is."

242. Steg's like that, "He's no'?"

243. I was like that, "Naw, sometimes he's asking people

244. "what a johnny bag's used for. Sometimes he's asking what VD is.

245. "I'm no' sure if you're covered." He was like that, "Does that cover it?"

246. I was like that, "Only seven?

247. "I tell you what, I'll gie you two for seven."

248. He was like that, "But, Gary, what if he asks me the one I don't know?

249. "What two should I pick?"

250. I says, "I don't want that on ma heid, that's your decision.

251. "And you better make it quick, cos here comes Raymy."

252. Steg was like that, "Shit! Em, well, VD, never heard of VD.

253. "Dildo, I've heard a few rumours, so I might know what that is.

254. "Johnny bag, never heard of that either.

255. "So it's VD and johnny bag."

256. I was like that, "Final answer?"

257. He was like that, "Final answer."

258. So I tells him. And he was like that, "That's disgusting!"

259. "What's disgusting?" Big Raymy turns up.

260. Steg's like that, "Nothing."

261. Raymy's like that, "Wee man."

262. Steg's like that, "What?"

263. Here it wis, the moment of truth.

264. And Raymy goes, "What's a dildo?"

265. I was like that, "Oh, no!"

266. And Steg was nae doubt thinking the exact same thing.

267. But he gave it his best shot. He looked Raymy square in the face

268. and said, "A dildo is when a lassie does a shite,

269. "and it's hanging oot her arse and it looks like a cock."

270. The place erupted with laughter, man.

271. Everybody, even the wee Primary 1s, were like that,

272. " # You don't know what a dildo is! You don't know what a dildo is! # "

273. Couldn't help laughing masel'.

274. Shouldnae laugh, though.

275. Cos he had to change school.

276. Good boy, an' a'.

277. I went and done the toilet on somebody up the toon.

278. Gie's mair vinegar.

279. Excuse me, is there a toilet in here?

280. You're a toilet!

281. Excuse me,

282. - is there a toilet in here? - There is, but it's no' working, sorry.

283. - Oh, right, thanks. - You're a toilet!

284. Argh!

285. Ooh! Oh, no! Oh, no!

286. Oh, no! Eugh! Eugh! Eugh!

287. Here! You're a toilet!

288. Here.

289. Imagine you woke up one morning and you were like this...

290. Argh!

291. Argh! Argh!

292. Heavy duty.

293. Doesnae bear thinking aboot, din't it no'?

294. Life, eh? Life.

295. Let me tell you about life.

296. This here represents you in your prime.

297. Represents you lookin' good and feelin' good.

298. You might no' be the best-lookin' person in the room,

299. but when you look at yourself in the mirror, you think, "You know what,

300. "I'm no' bad.

301. "I'm no' bad at a'."

302. You see this?

303. This represents life.

304. That's life.

305. And they're like that every single night.

306. Fuckin', I was watching GMTV, right?

307. And I thought, "Right, you, time for you to get your kip, 'mon.

308. "It was a good night of telly and that but c'mon,

309. "eight in the morning; beyond a joke, man."

310. Just ready to switch the thing aff

311. but then this advert came on for some bacteria yoghurt thing,

312. and I thought, "Aye, that looks nice, that."

313. Bird goes like that...

314. "Great-tasting new yoghurt from Danone fights to restore

315. "the natural good bacteria in your system."

316. I was like that, "Aye, awright."

317. Goes to switch it aff, but then at the end, this wee tune goes like that,

318. " # Nnnn, Da-nun. # "

319. I was like that, "I didnae hear that, man," d'you know what I mean?

320. Cos it sounded like the talking bird said, "New fae Da- none."

321. But the singing bird said it like, "Da-nun, "

322. like this,

323. " # Nnnn, Da-nun. # "

324. Must have imagined it - they don't make mistakes like that, no?

325. So I got masel' comfy again.

326. Decided I wasnae heading to my scratcher until we had this thing sorted oot.

327. Waited for the adverts to come up again.

328. Nae show.

329. Until eventually...

330. Gets to the end of Loose Women.

331. Pure hauf one in the afternoon, up for 24 hours,

332. practically propping my eyelids open wi' matchsticks,

333. starting to forget what I was up for.

334. Bingo. Tunes into it, and the bird goes like that,

335. "Great-tasting new yoghurt fae... Da- none."

336. I was like that, "Right, cool - Da- none. That one's Da- none."

337. But now for the sucker punch.

338. The bird goes like that,

339. " # Nnnn, Da-nun. # "

340. I just went like that...

341. Hah...

342. You're so steesher!

343. - Hiya. - Hi.

344. Dick!

345. Well, ladies and gentleman, that's the end o' the show,

346. but, before you go, I just want to leave you with this thought.

347. Theist. Right.

348. Now, watch this.

349. The heist.

350. Think about it, right.

351. See you later.