Limmy's Show! 1x1

1. Welcome to Limmy's Show.

2. It's shut!

3. It's shut.

4. My name's Jacqueline McCafferty,

5. and I used to be a junkie, but I'm clean noo. Clean and tidy.

6. I want tae get dressed up in good gear, noo.

7. I don't want tae kick about in a pish-stained tracky

8. wae sick down my front. I've had if wae aw that

9. I just want tae look my best, so I headed round tae that Versace.

10. Gonnae let us in?

11. What was that all about? What was that all about, hen?

12. Am I no' good enough for in here, no?

13. Don't think I can afford the gear in here, no? You don't?

14. What's that you're wearing? Is that Versace, aye?

15. - Of course. - Cool, gie's that.

16. Have you got any idea how much this would cost?

17. Doesnae concern me, hen. I'm not interested,

18. cos see that? See that credit card there? Lloyd's TSB, sweetheart,

19. six-grand credit limit, all right? See that? Barclaycard.

20. That's a 12-grand credit limit right there, dear, all right?

21. And see that, that's only a four-grand credit limit

22. but that's fae the Royal Bank of Scotland, all right?

23. And I get offers for every other kinda credit card you can mention,

24. every fuckin' day, so you can stop looking doon that wee nose of yours.

25. You can gie us what you're wearing, what she's wearing.

26. I'll pay for whatever the fuck she wants an' all.

27. I willnae ask twice, hen, just dae it.

28. - Hi, Jacqueline. - Hi, hen.

29. Aye.

30. They didnae fuckin' forget me in a hurry.

31. That's pure bampot!

32. Look at him, he's pure loved up.

33. Don't start.

34. He gets himself a wee bird and he's all loved up.

35. Oh, don't start.

36. - What time's she getting here? - Any minute.

37. Cool. I'm looking forward to meeting her.

38. D'you know, I actually feel a wee bit nervous.

39. What are you nervous for?

40. No, I know what you mean.

41. I'm starting to feel a wee bit nervous, you know,

42. finally getting to meet this, this lassie that's put a smile on your face.

43. I mean, she deserves a medal.

44. I mean, look at him, man, loved up to the eyeballs.

45. Listen, I know you're just kidding, but seriously, I am. She's...

46. - I know, I'm happy for you, mate. - Aye, same here.

47. Cos how long's that been noo? See, I've been married for about...

48. There she is!

49. Oooh!

50. - Right, here they are, this is Mick. - Hiya.

51. Hiya.

52. - This is Kevin. - All right?

53. All right, son?

54. And this is Sarah.

55. Pint, pint...

56. Come on, we'll go to the bar.

57. You're watching Adventure Call.

58. My name is Falconhoof.

59. And I will be your guide on your quest.

60. Greetings, line five, what is your name, traveller?

61. Hello, hello, my name's Mary Johnson.

62. - Right, noo, what if is, is... - Greetings, Mary, let us begin.

63. You awake in a castle tower.

64. There is a window.

65. On the floor is a rug.

66. Right, noo, what it is,

67. I want to know when yous are giving my son his money.

68. I do not understand your enquiry, traveller.

69. My son phoned your show a'er two months ago,

70. and he found a black ruby on a web and he was...

71. - On Varagon's web, yes, I remember. - Well, you'll remember telling him

72. that was worth 50 quid, and to stay on the line.

73. The woman who took his details said she'd have the cheque out

74. nae later than 28 days, but that's been a'er two months noo

75. and there's been nae sign of a cheque

76. - and I've been phoning. - Mary, traveller.

77. I have been instructed that this is outside my realm of influence,

78. but if you stay on the line, one of our elves will...

79. No, they'll just ask me to get in touch with heid office.

80. I've done that and they're no getting back to me. I want you to sort this out.

81. But, Mary, what can I do? I do not possess the powers.

82. 300 quid, son. It's cost me 300 quid trying to get on.

83. You seem like a nice boy, is there nothing you can dae?

84. I do not possess the powers.

85. He's skinned me, son. He's skinned me.

86. Would you like me to pass you on to one of our elves?

87. What's the point?

88. Well... would you like to play?

89. Aye, all right.

90. You awake in a castle tower.

91. There is a window. On the floor is a rug.

92. I don't know. Climb out the windae.

93. You climb out the window,

94. and fall from the tower.

95. You are dead.

96. Let's take another call.

97. James Petrie and Raymond McKenzie are friends?

98. No, they're not.

99. Quite the opposite.

100. Now, there's a couple of strange bedfellows.

101. Since when was James pals wi' Raymond?

102. Practically broke his jaw.

103. Long time ago, mind, but still...

104. James Petrie and Raymond McKenzie are friends?

105. They're probably no' friends-friends,

106. probably just added each other out of politeness

107. because James is pals with Fraser, and Fraser...

108. Haud on a minute,

109. did you just say "strange bedfellows"?

110. - Who, me? - Aye, you.

111. Aye. I was just saying that James and Raymond being friends,

112. they're strange bedfellows, d'you no' think?

113. Strange... strange bedfellows? What is that?

114. It means that they're two people that you wouldn't have expected...

115. No, no, no. I know what it means. What are you doing saying it?

116. D'you no' think they are strange bedfellows?

117. Gonnae... gonnae stop using that phrase? Why do you keep...?

118. Since when have I ever used the phrase "strange bedfellows"?

119. There's a first time for everything

120. and it just seemed like a really good way of summing up.

121. That was the first time and the last, all right?

122. I never want to hear that phrase in my head again, all right?

123. - All right? - Right!

124. - That's gotta be the most wanky... - Right, I heard you.

125. I know what you mean, though.

126. James Petrie and Raymond McKenzie. It's...

127. It's mental.

128. So there I was, standing in the playground,

129. nae sweeties, skint, but lying at my foot was a wee reminder

130. that my fellow pupils have got more money than sense.

131. My favourite sweetie, the lemon bonbon, crushed.

132. That just summed it all up for me.

133. That's it, time to share the wealth, folks, time to share the wealth.

134. So what I did was, I clasped my hands together

135. and I peered into them with this big smile on my face.

136. Eventually, my first catch of the day turned up - Jamsie Black -

137. and he goes like that "What have you got there, Gary?"

138. I goes, "None of your business."

139. He goes, "Gonnae show us, please?" I goes, "Gie us ten pence first."

140. And as I said, more money than sense. The guy hands it over.

141. So I shows him what I've got.

142. Nothing.

143. Jamsie goes, "What am I meant to be looking at, Gary?"

144. I goes, "You're looking at an opportunity.

145. "An opportunity to get your money back and then some.

146. "All you need to dae is dae to other people what I've just done to you.

147. "Get the ten pence off them, but I want half, five pence, right?"

148. He says, "Aye, aye, nae bother, Gary,"

149. and off he bolts, wi' mad pound signs in his eyes.

150. Anyway, went about the playground and I did it again,

151. another two, three times.

152. I should have been rolling in it,

153. but see when I went back to collect my 5ps off 'em,

154. I was getting hit wi' all the, "Oh, naebody's falling for it, Gary, sorry."

155. Dirty... lying...

156. rat ... bastards.

157. I was like, "Oh, right, nae bother, see yous later."

158. And I went right up to big Ramie, the school bully, and I said,

159. "Ramie, Jamsie Black's pockets are full o' money that belongs to me

160. "and you can have the lot if you gie that prick the pole crusher."

161. See, within a minute,

162. Ramie and his cronies had Jamsie wi' his legs spread,

163. running full pelt into the pole.

164. Crunch! Straight to the school nurse.

165. Anyway, I was only doin' that to send a message out

166. to my other three franchises, to tell them, "Show me the money."

167. But I didnae think the rest of the school would get the message an' all.

168. Chinese Whispers took a hold,

169. and everybody through primary one to primary seven was like that,

170. "Oh, no. I've gotta start earning money for Gary."

171. "Aye, or we'll end up getting the pole crusher."

172. "Aye, and then you'll have to show your pole-crusher bruises

173. "to the school nurse."

174. Well, there's no need to tell you what happened next,

175. but let me put it this way...

176. Jackpot!

177. Here they come.

178. Shut up, shut up.

179. All right? What's up?

180. Nothing.

181. She's just being a total bitch.

182. Oh, here, I know him.

183. Everything's half price today, sir.

184. - Awright, how you doing? - No bad, yourself?

185. Aye, good. I cannae complain.

186. Well, like ships passin' in the night, eh?

187. Aye.

188. That went all right.

189. A wee bit uncomfortable if it happened again, though, wouldn't it?

190. Oh, you are joking.

191. I don't think I could dae another one of these.

192. Aaargh!

193. - Fucking bastard! - Stop it!

194. Oh, my God, look at that time,

195. it's that time again. Here we go!

196. One, two,

197. three, four,

198. five, six.

199. What has got into you, mate?

200. Just wait till you hear it.

201. Oh, come on, what is that?

202. Oh, no, I'm sorry, that is bollocks!

203. - Seriously, what is...? - Gonnae just shut up and listen?

204. ♪ You know

205. Is that A-ha?

206. - What d'you think? ♪ Don't wanna cry again?

207. - Really good. ♪ I don't wanna race this pain

208. Sorry, sorry to interrupt the show, folks, but I've got a cracking idea.

209. See the next time you find yourself in a pub toilet

210. and you've got a pen on you, write on the door, "Benny Harvey, RIP."

211. Or let's say you're not old enough to get into pubs yet,

212. let's say you're still in school,

213. write it on the desk. Scratch it in wi' a compass.

214. "Benny Harvey, RIP."

215. Or let's say you're online,

216. let's say you're on Bebo, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, a forum.

217. Whatever it is, just get the message out there.

218. "Benny Harvey, RIP, miss you, big man.

219. "Gone, but not forgotten."

220. And who is Benny Harvey?

221. Ah, who cares?

222. OK, let's just go over this one more time, let's get this watertight here.

223. Hello, officer, how can I help you?

224. "Uh, well, Mr Mulvaney, it's, er... it's about the fire alarm."

225. Yes, of course, terrifying experience having a fire in the building.

226. "Uh, well, Mr Mulvaney, there was no fire.

227. "We believe the fire alarm was triggered either maliciously

228. "or as a practical joke."

229. Really?

230. Well, I fail to see the funny side, it caused a major disturbance.

231. Have you caught the fellow?

232. "Uh, well, Mr Mulvaney, we'd actually like to ask you

233. "where you were at the time of the fire alarm being triggered."

234. Why?

235. No, you're not saying that...

236. You think I did it?

237. OK, officer, you want to know what it was? OK, I'll tell you.

238. I was in the toilet, OK?

239. You'd like to embarrass me? I was in the toilet.

240. Now, considering there is no fire alarm trigger in the toilet,

241. are you seriously suggesting that I just stood up from my desk,

242. walked down the corridor, triggered the fire alarm for no reason,

243. and then raced into the toilet as fast as I could,

244. and then stepped right back out again

245. to pretend to everyone I was there all along?

246. Is that what you are suggesting?

247. Quite preposterous, isn't it?

248. Fire!

249. Hi, what can I get you?

250. A round of drinks, please.

251. So, what would you like?

252. A round of drinks!

253. You on the computers?

254. Are you on the computers, son? D'you work the computers?

255. Aye.

256. Well, you know how the way the letters are all laid oot,

257. all o'er the place on the...?

258. Aye.

259. Well, d'you know that they managed to work oot

260. if we could go back thousands of years and change the alphabet

261. so that it was in that order to begin wi', do you know what?

262. What?

263. See by noo...?

264. we would have had an extra finger.

265. Can I speak to you for a second?

266. Just got a text fae Sarah.

267. She's just had a 3D scan of her baby. That's amazing, in't it?

268. Mm-hm.

269. The thing is, she still disnae know if she's gonnae have a boy or a lassie,

270. cos she's just gonnae wait until the day.

271. - Right? - Mm-hm.

272. But that means that I don't know what to get her,

273. I don't know should I get her blue pyjamas or pink pyjamas?

274. Mm-hm.

275. So what I was thinking was, maybe, I could get

276. either a pram or get her money. What do you think?

277. Mm-hm.

278. "Mm-hm" what? "Mm-hm" to a pram or "Mm-hm" to money?

279. - Er... mm-hm to... a pram. - That's what I was thinking.

280. What else? Oh, I phoned the council

281. - about the rubbish. - Mm-hm.

282. And they said there's nothing they can dae aboot it. Unless we find out

283. who's putting their bags in our bin, there's nothing we can dae.

284. Mm-hm.

285. I says, "How about if I look in one of their bin bags, rip it open

286. "and find an address on an envelope

287. - "and tell you aboot it?" - Mm-hm.

288. He says, "Not allowed, it's against the law.

289. "You have tae catch them in the act."

290. - Mm-hm. - How am I meant to dae that?

291. Just kip out in the bin sheds like a tramp?

292. Dae I look like a tramp?

293. Mm-hm.

294. - I look like a tramp? - Mm-hm.

295. - What? - What?

296. - Are you listening to me? - Aye.

297. Aye...

298. Oh, and what else? Oh, aye, so I took the toaster back to the shop,

299. - managed to get a refund, right? - Mm-hm.

300. But it was after a whole lot of argy-bargy because they says,

301. "Well, we cannae give you a refund if you've taken your toaster oot the box."

302. How am I supposed to know if it's broken if I can't take it oot the box?

303. - Mm-hm. - It's so stupid.

304. It was back and forward like that for about ten minutes.

305. Mm-hm.

306. Until finally they gave us a refund only because a big queue was building up.

307. They couldnae care less about me. That's the last time I go in that shop.

308. Mm-hm.

309. Mm-hm.

310. Mm-hm.

311. - Mm-hm. - You've no' been listening

312. - to a word I've been saying! - No, but I was, aye.

313. What have I been saying?

314. Don't start this shite, I was listening.

315. No, what have I been saying?

316. You got a text fae Sarah and she got a 3D scan.

317. You phoned the council, you've got to catch them in the act.

318. You took the toaster back and you got a refund.

319. All right, all right.

320. Oh, is it all right, aye, do I no get an apology?

321. I'm sorry.

322. D'you want a cup of tea?

323. Naw.

324. Arrrrrrgh!

325. Fuckin'...

326. I've been doing a power o' sleeping, right?

327. Any time I've been wakening up, morning, noon or night,

328. I've just been like that "Pfff, aye, right," back to sleep.

329. Honestly, every hour God sends, man,

330. just pure lying in my scratcher, like a mad cat.

331. See when I get like that?

332. I end up having these mad dreams, these pure real dreams.

333. End up cannae mind if they actually happened or no.

334. And there's this one dream that's been playing on my mind a wee bit.

335. There was me,

336. my sister

337. and my da

338. and we were havin' a party.

339. But somehow we were havin' it up the top o' that Finnieston Cran.

340. And that's what makes me think if never happened

341. Cos that cannae be done.

342. Anyway, then the screws turned up.

343. I clocks them, and I tells everybody to hit the death slide

344. cos somehow we had this death slide that went over the Clyde, right?

345. And I'm like that, "Go, go, go!"

346. My turn tae go and I'm like that,

347. "Here, watch this."

348. just start pure tightrope walking it, man.

349. Everybody was like that, "He's bold as brass, him."

350. Even the polis.

351. And then I fell off.

352. But I cannae mind if I fell in or no'.

353. And I cannae mind if it happened or no'.

354. I was thinking o' phoning my sister to ask her,

355. but she would have thought I was off my nut.

356. So I phoned my da.

357. Hello.

358. Awright? It's Dee Dee.

359. Oh, hello, son. What's the matter?

360. Da, were we up the tap that Finnieston Cran the other night?

361. Are ye on something, son?

362. No, I'm no', I'm just...

363. I'm confused, right?

364. I just want to know if we were up the tap that Finnieston Cran or no'.

365. Were we?

366. Derek.

367. Da, don't, just gonnae answer us.

368. Did I fall off, like a kind of... like a tightrope thing

369. into the Clyde the other night?

370. Derek.

371. What?

372. What's happened to you, son?

373. Oh, Da', gonnae no?

374. I just want tae know if we were up, like, were on that death slide or no'.

375. I could be in trouble wi' the polis right now, and you're just...

376. Derek, son.

377. Right, cool, enough's enough, just leave it.

378. Bastard wouldnae give me a straight answer.

379. Were we or were we no' up that Finnieston Cran?

380. I suppose we'll never know.

381. - All right? - All right?

382. All right? Where's Sarah?

383. - Finished? - Aye.

384. Was that cos she was being a bitch?

385. No, she was...

386. She was an old man.

387. Did yous know?

388. She was an old man.

389. Life, eh? Life.

390. Let me tell you something about life.

391. This, here, this pyramid of cards

392. represents something you've been working towards.

393. It might be something minor, like... this,

394. or it might be something major

395. like a big plan you've been chipping away at for decades.

396. There's been blood, sweat and tears.

397. There have been people who have told you, "You cannae dae it."

398. There have been people who have hoped you cannae dae it.

399. But now, wi' the end in sight, you're gonna show them,

400. and more importantly, you're gonna show yourself,

401. that if you put your mind to it, when you dare tae dream,

402. not only can you dae it, but you will dae it.

403. And that's life.

404. You'll never catch me. I'm your worstest nightmare!

405. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.

406. Hope you've enjoyed it. Catch you later.