1. My name is Warwick Davis.
I'm an actor...Copy !req
2. Yeah, evil toilet dwarf.
'.. soon to be divorced.'Copy !req
3. You don't live here any more.
Still my house.
'I'm an entrepreneur.'Copy !req
4. Give me five grand, just to live on.
'And I've got a massive tax bill.'Copy !req
5. You should do any shit job that
comes along, or you will go to jail.Copy !req
6. I am on my way to see a man
who's very important to me.Copy !req
7. His name is Bryan,
and he's my spiritual counsellor,
and life coach.Copy !req
8. And he phoned me and he said,
"Warwick, with everything
that's going on at the minute,Copy !req
9. "have you been neglecting
your spiritual life?" And I said,
"Yes, I have."Copy !req
10. And he said, "I knew that."Copy !req
11. And he was totally right, as always.Copy !req
12. Oh, hello. Well, well, well,
long time no see! Yeah.Copy !req
13. Brenda, two teas, please.Copy !req
14. Hey, come on. Oi, you two.Copy !req
15. Hey, Ying and Yang.Copy !req
16. 'Bryan is my...Copy !req
17. 'what he calls psychic housekeeper.'Copy !req
18. Sometimes I stand here and
I feel like I'm one of the plants,
and they're looking after me.Copy !req
19. Do you know what I mean by that?Copy !req
20. 'He deals with all
the sort of spiritual clutter'
that accumulates inside me.Copy !req
21. West, east.Copy !req
22. 'I told him about the divorce...'Copy !req
23. East-Chinese food, healthy food,
tai chi, oxen.Copy !req
24. 'And straight away he said
I needed to go and see him...'Copy !req
25. West. You know... McDonald's.Copy !req
26. 'Because he needs
to feng shui my soul.Copy !req
27. 'And you can't argue with that.'Copy !req
28. I love the conservatory, it's great.
Hang on, hang on, who's that? Hello?Copy !req
29. I think there's some...Copy !req
30. Somebody's talking.
Yeah, what do you want?Copy !req
31. Oh, they've come to say hello,
Warwick. Hello.Copy !req
32. Hello? Yeah?Copy !req
33. Do you know a John?Copy !req
34. John?Copy !req
35. No. No? You don't know a John?
You don't know any Johns? No.
OK, right, well, that's...Copy !req
36. Everyone knows a John.
Do you know a Jonathan? Jonathan?Copy !req
37. No. You don't know any Johns at all?
That's mad. That's never happened
before. Right. Any Js?Copy !req
38. Any... Anyone beginning with J?
Anyone whose name starts with J?
Jack?Copy !req
39. Jack? It's a Jack. Is it Jack?Copy !req
40. Is it Joseph? Joseph? Do you know
a Joseph? Do you know anyone whose
name starts with J at all?Copy !req
41. No? That's ridiculous.
OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.Copy !req
42. Dave? You don't know
anyone called David?Copy !req
43. I've heard of famous people
called David. Yeah, well, say yes,
then. Say yes.Copy !req
44. Name a famous David. David Bowie.Copy !req
45. David Bowie? Well, it's not him,
is it? Cos he's not dead.Copy !req
46. Name any other David. Another
David. No, another name. Simon.Copy !req
47. Simon. Simon.Copy !req
48. Stuart.Copy !req
49. Yeah... um... there was...Copy !req
50. er... a bloke who lived on the same
street as my mum and dad. He died.
His name was Stuart.Copy !req
51. Right. How old was he again?Copy !req
52. About 60. 60. Yeah, that's him.Copy !req
53. Bang on. 60-year-old Stuart.
He's looking down on you and he's
saying, "Hello Warwick. Well done.Copy !req
54. "You're doing really well,
you're doing great."Copy !req
55. What was Stuart's surname?
Doesn't matter.Copy !req
56. Can you ask him? I'm not going to
go round asking people their surname.Copy !req
57. Why not? Because it's rude.
Can you not just accept who he is?
It's definitely him.Copy !req
58. In fact, actually, hang on. What?Copy !req
59. Yeah, he's confirming it,
so it's definitely him.Copy !req
60. 'Bryan's got the gift.
I mean, you saw in that readingCopy !req
61. 'how the first name he got'Copy !req
62. was an old guy I knew called Stuart.
Now, I don't remember him very wellCopy !req
63. so he couldn't
have been making it up.Copy !req
64. Right, Stuart says you're worried
about something. Is that true? Yeah.Copy !req
65. What are you worried about?
Does Stuart not know? Oh, for...!
Warwick, can you not...?Copy !req
66. Sorry, Stuart.
No, I'm asking him, Stuart,
but Warwick's being a little...Copy !req
67. Can you just say what
you're worried about? What is it?
I'm worried about my tax bill.Copy !req
68. Yes, exactly.
That's what Stuart thought.Copy !req
69. Stuart's saying,
"Don't worry about it."Copy !req
70. Will I pay off my tax bills?
Yeah, course you will.Copy !req
71. It's a lot of money.Copy !req
72. He knows that,Copy !req
73. and he's having a laugh, and he's
saying, "You can't take it with you."Copy !req
74. What, I can't take
the money or the debt with me?Copy !req
75. Oh! He's saying,
"Don't worry about it, Warwick."Copy !req
76. OK, what part of, "Don't worry
about it," do you not understand?Copy !req
77. OK, can I just ask one more thing?
Should I declare myself bankrupt?Copy !req
78. Right, he's saying, "Who am I?
Your fucking accountant?"Copy !req
79. OK.Copy !req
80. £60, please.Copy !req
81. I'm wondering whether I should
explore a more formal religion.Copy !req
82. I hear a lot of people talk about
having a relationship with God.Copy !req
83. 'Warwick can choose any god he likes,
and when he's chosen a god,'Copy !req
84. I'll look after him while
he's alive and the god'll take over
when he's dead. It's teamwork.Copy !req
85. I have worked with loads
of gods in the past. You know,
all the main ones, smaller ones.Copy !req
86. I've worked with gods
I've never even bloody heard of.Copy !req
87. Good luck to him!Copy !req
88. I will not work with the devil, OK?Copy !req
89. That's the line I draw.
The furthest I go is a white witch.Copy !req
90. Very happy to work
with a white witch.Copy !req
91. And that's not a racial term, OK?
By white witch, I mean good witch.Copy !req
92. I don't mean white, good, black
bad, cos I love black men...Copy !req
93. People! I love black people.Copy !req
94. Goodbye, Warwick. Goodbye.Copy !req
95. Oh, Warwick, can I tell you this?Copy !req
96. I see you being very happy very soon.Copy !req
97. Yeah? Yeah. Someone new is
going to come into your life.Copy !req
98. Your wife's gone, she's out
the picture. So you've got
to get back on the saddle.Copy !req
99. You deserve to be one...
Oi, sailor boy, come on!Copy !req
100. You deserv... Yes, in, don't cheek.Copy !req
101. You deserve
to be one half of a whole,Copy !req
102. and right now
you're just a little half.Copy !req
103. You will meet someone.Copy !req
104. Oi, I'm talking!Copy !req
105. You will meet someone
if you go out and try to meet people.Copy !req
106. Do you see? Yeah?Copy !req
107. Interesting, very interesting,
very astute.Copy !req
108. You know what Bryan's saying is,
I have to be pro-active,
like I am in business.Copy !req
109. In business, I'm out there hustling.Copy !req
110. So why am I just sitting back
thinking my next lover's going
to walk through the door?Copy !req
111. I've got to get out there.Copy !req
112. You have to be in it to win it.Copy !req
113. She's nice.Copy !req
114. Yeah, mine's not bad either.
Right, now play it cool, right?Copy !req
115. I want you to go over there.
I want you to say,
"Can we join me for a drink?Copy !req
116. "I should warn you, watch out for my
friend Warwick, cos he's a bad boy."Copy !req
117. Why would I say that?
Because women love bastards.Copy !req
118. You don't want to seem all sweet
and nice... that gets you nowhere.
Tell 'em someone bad, dangerous.Copy !req
119. Is it OK if I just... sit down?Copy !req
120. Yeah, sure. Cheers.
Yeah, I'm Eric. That's... um...Copy !req
121. That's my friend Warwick over there.Copy !req
122. I should warn you, though, he's bad.Copy !req
123. He's what? He's bad, and dangerous.Copy !req
124. What's so bad and dangerous
about him?Copy !req
125. He's a rapist.Copy !req
126. No! No, I'm a racist.Copy !req
127. You're a racist?Copy !req
128. I am a racist, yeah.
In the sense that,Copy !req
129. if anything, I prefer you,
the darker lady, which,
which is unfair on you.Copy !req
130. So, in a sense,
I'm racist cos... I'd do you,Copy !req
131. and not you. I mean, if it came
to it, I'd probably do the both
of you but... um... but...Copy !req
132. You go first.Copy !req
133. Let's go. Yeah?Copy !req
134. The reason I'm here is
I'm currently exploringCopy !req
135. sort of different avenues
of spirituality.Copy !req
136. I have a few questions if that's OK.Copy !req
137. Fine.Copy !req
138. Before we start, I want to get
this out the way straight away.Copy !req
139. It's a bit awkward, to be honest,
but I do need to ask.Copy !req
140. Are you a paedophile?Copy !req
141. No, I'm not.Copy !req
142. Great. Phew!Copy !req
143. Lot of it about - you see
why I had to ask that one. So...Copy !req
144. Catholicism. As I understand it,
you can just do whatever you want,Copy !req
145. turn up on a Sunday, say you're
sorry and you go, "Well, forget it."
Something like that?Copy !req
146. You're talking about confession?
Yes, yes.Copy !req
147. This is not a licence
to break the Ten Commandments.Copy !req
148. Yeah, I've been reading up on those.Copy !req
149. The first five are all about Him,Copy !req
150. that's God, and then it kicks in
with what you shouldn't do.Copy !req
151. I think there's murder,
covet thy neighbour's wife.Copy !req
152. I mean, I wouldn't
covet my neighbour's wife,
you should see her!Copy !req
153. I wouldn't touch her with yours.Copy !req
154. Interestingly, though,
kiddie fiddling... it's not
mentioned in the Ten Commandments.Copy !req
155. If I was making a list...
number one for me, right up there.Copy !req
156. "Thou shalt not touch kids."Copy !req
157. Not even mentioned.Copy !req
158. Oooh. Lucky for you lot, eh?Copy !req
159. No, I'm joking. You said you're
not and I believe you for now.Copy !req
160. I like a lot of what you're saying.Copy !req
161. If I may take the old rule book,
have a flick through that,Copy !req
162. and see if I like the sound of it.Copy !req
163. Oh, one final question,
and this is a deal-breaker...Copy !req
164. Do you approve of masturbation?Copy !req
165. No.Copy !req
166. I'm out.Copy !req
167. Excuse me, sir,
are you going to buy that mop?Copy !req
168. No, I'm using it to help me shop.
You can't go round using a mop
unless you're going to buy it.Copy !req
169. Why not? It's been used now,
we can't put that back on sale.Copy !req
170. I haven't used it as a mop.
Put it back and get someone
to hand stuff down to you.Copy !req
171. I'm not going to have
someone hand stuff to me!Copy !req
172. I'm an independent person,
trying to shop independently.Copy !req
173. Then you'll have to pay for that mop.
I'm not going to pay for it.Copy !req
174. Then you're not going to use it any
more. So what am I supposed to do?
Buy a mop every time I go shopping?Copy !req
175. No. Buy one mop, carry it with you.Copy !req
176. I've got to carry a mop
everywhere I go on the off chance
I might run out of Frosties?Copy !req
177. It's store policy.
Well, it's ridiculous.Copy !req
178. Oh! Sorry, that was ridiculous.Copy !req
179. What, you saw that?
It was totally rude. I know.Copy !req
180. You should complain.
I can be a witness or something.Copy !req
181. Really? Yeah, yeah.
He was just being a jobsworth.
I know. I... Idiot. Thank you.Copy !req
182. Um... sorry, could I just say...?
I am a big fan. Oh!Copy !req
183. Of yours. I really love Willow.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Warwick. Caroline.Copy !req
184. Hello. Cool. Um... Oh, could you
just pass me the tea bags actually?Copy !req
185. Oh! I was just trying to get
those when you came along.Copy !req
186. 'You do not expect that,
do you, in a supermarket?Copy !req
187. 'You pop out for a few essentials,
you meet a lovely woman,
who's single,'Copy !req
188. who also happens to be a fan.Copy !req
189. Right, eight... 172.Copy !req
190. 'You get talking.
Before you know it,
you've swapped bloody phone numbers'Copy !req
191. and I'm meeting her
for a drink on Friday.Copy !req
192. Bryan said I'd meet someone.Copy !req
193. Well, there you go.Copy !req
194. Are these condoms all right for you?
Yeah.Copy !req
195. You sure they'll fit?
Cos it's one size fits all.
Yeah, don't worry about it.Copy !req
196. Well, we've got to be careful
cos you could sue us. Barbara,
will these Johnnies fit a dwarf? Why?Copy !req
197. I've got one here.Copy !req
198. Depends on how big he is.Copy !req
199. Yeah, big enough, thank you.Copy !req
200. No, they're not for you. I mean,
they could be, but what I mean is
they're for anyone so...Copy !req
201. Not anyone! Obviously, you know
you'd be my first choice,Copy !req
202. but I would never presume,
obviously,
that that was going to occur.Copy !req
203. You've got to be careful.
It's better to be safe, cos there's
all sorts of diseases, aren't there?Copy !req
204. Not that I've got unclean...
But I don't know about...Copy !req
205. But no! That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
206. You know, we all get stressed
about it and I'm...Copy !req
207. Nobody should stress about this.
Just let's have fun.
You know what I mean?Copy !req
208. So is it... is it on for Friday?Copy !req
209. No? Right. Good.
I'll delete your phone number?Copy !req
210. Yeah.Copy !req
211. Thanks for that!
I don't need them now.Copy !req
212. I've already put them through.
Oh, brilliant. OK, just...
Thanks for all your help.Copy !req
213. 'She caught me buying condoms.
She's upset. Why is she upset?'Copy !req
214. I was being responsible.
If we're getting intimate,
and I say, "I've got a sheaf here,"Copy !req
215. she'll be like,
"Yeah, what a responsible
chap, let's get down to it."Copy !req
216. But because it's out
in the open now, upfront,
it's suddenly embarrassing,Copy !req
217. because a condom is for one
thing and one thing onlyCopy !req
218. and everyone knows what
I'm going to do with that.Copy !req
219. I've bought some carrots here.Copy !req
220. That could be to shove up my arse
but because no-one knows that,
it's not embarrassing.Copy !req
221. The carrot is not
for shoving up my arse, let me make
that totally clear.Copy !req
222. Yeah. Wow.Copy !req
223. So this is Toby. Hello.Copy !req
224. Who actually fixed me up with my
first wife, my only wife. Only wife.Copy !req
225. Sue. I was busy at the time. Yeah.Copy !req
226. Didn't have time to trawl round
for a wife so I came here.Copy !req
227. Yeah, I was so proud of finding
Warwick a wife, cos, I mean,
when he first came in I was like,Copy !req
228. "Right, here's a challenge, Toby."
All right. Yeah.Copy !req
229. But it was about six months or so...
Sue popped up, didn't she?Copy !req
230. Yeah. She was desperate as well.
And the rest is history.Copy !req
231. Yes. Well, now I'm back again.
He's back.Copy !req
232. For an upgrade! OK. Well, I popped
your details back into the systemCopy !req
233. and hit search, and there we go,
straight away, the perfect match.
That's Sue. Do you know her?Copy !req
234. That's my ex-wife, Sue.Copy !req
235. Oh, it is Sue, isn't it? Gosh!Copy !req
236. Sorry. At least it shows
the system works. Not really,
because we've split up.Copy !req
237. That's the one person who's proven
not to be my perfect match.Copy !req
238. Of all the women in the world,
that's the one I shouldn't
have been paired with.Copy !req
239. To be honest,
it's a very, very old computer.Copy !req
240. Why did it say "perfect match"?
Shortest person on the books.Copy !req
241. Well, find the second shortest
person on the books.Copy !req
242. I did. I did show the picture
and everything. She does not want
to go out with you. Oh, no! Why?Copy !req
243. Too short, Warwick.
Way too short. Right.Copy !req
244. OK. Let's have a look at some other
options. Er...Copy !req
245. Oh, no way, no way! Um...
Keep going, keep going. No...Copy !req
246. She's been on the system for years.
Hang on, go back.Copy !req
247. Well, she's all right.
Yeah, you know, she's... Well...Copy !req
248. She's a stunner, isn't she?
Well, exactly, so... What?Copy !req
249. Just I've sent her a lot
of duffers recently and...Copy !req
250. I just don't want her losing faith
in the system,Copy !req
251. because you could be the straw that
breaks the camel's back. What?Copy !req
252. If I send you round, she's going to
get straight on the phone to me,Copy !req
253. "Why are you palming me off
with some midget?"
Don't say "midget", it's offensive.Copy !req
254. Exactly! That's not me saying that,
it's her. Yeah.Copy !req
255. If she's using language like that,
you shouldn't be with her.
I'm hanging up, mate.Copy !req
256. Is there no-one else? Not really.Copy !req
257. Um... Oh, she just came in.Copy !req
258. Ah! Oh, yes, OK, brilliant.
She's all right, yeah.Copy !req
259. Not bad, eh? Yeah,
she's perfect. She's called Amy.Copy !req
260. Amy likes... Oh, she works
for the council. Not bad.Copy !req
261. Likes the theatre, eating out with
friends, stuff like that. As do I.Copy !req
262. Yeah? Yeah, fix me up. All right,
let's get her back on. Great.Copy !req
263. Amy!Copy !req
264. Warwick? Yeah? Hi, I'm Amy.Copy !req
265. Hello.Copy !req
266. Will you excuse me for a minute?Copy !req
267. Come in. She's a dwarf!
She kept that quiet, didn't she?Copy !req
268. Now look at that. See that?
There's no clue in that picture,
is there? Just a head.Copy !req
269. It should be a full body shot,
with her stood next to a matchbox
or something.Copy !req
270. You know, like when they
show how big a moth is.
But, no, no clue there.Copy !req
271. Where's the arms?Copy !req
272. Sneaky.Copy !req
273. Sorry about that.Copy !req
274. All right?Copy !req
275. Yeah.Copy !req
276. Just...Copy !req
277. Did you know I was a little person,
from my picture?Copy !req
278. Yes. You did? Yeah, because you could
see my head and full body, yes.Copy !req
279. It's all about proportions, isn't
it? The old head-to-leg ratio.Copy !req
280. There were no arms and legs in
your picture, so nothing to go by.Copy !req
281. What do you mean?Copy !req
282. Well, there was no mention
you were a little person.Copy !req
283. Is that a problem?Copy !req
284. No. Not a problem for me.Copy !req
285. It's just... just seemed strange
of you to hide the fact.Copy !req
286. I didn't hide it. No.Copy !req
287. I just don't want everyone going,
"Ooh, she's a sneaky little one.Copy !req
288. "Whenever she can,
she hides the fact she's a dwarf."Copy !req
289. I wasn't hiding it. No.Copy !req
290. Just a bit of a surprise,
that's all.Copy !req
291. No more surprises in store, hmm?Copy !req
292. You weren't born a man? No.Copy !req
293. Don't want to get you back to my
place and suddenly in the throes of
passion, a bit of touchy-feely,Copy !req
294. "What's going on down here, love?
Either you were born a man
or you've been shoplifting offal."Copy !req
295. I don't think you should assume we're
going back to your place. No, sorry.Copy !req
296. Although now you've been so adamant
that we're not going home together,Copy !req
297. it makes me think maybe there
are testicles down there.Copy !req
298. I haven't got testicles! No. Right.
And I have a witness to that, right?Copy !req
299. So if I do get off with you,
and you do turn out to be a man,Copy !req
300. no-one can go,
"I bet Warwick knew it was a man."Copy !req
301. I did not know it was a man, right?
Ad I'm not expecting testicles
down there.Copy !req
302. What?Copy !req
303. I can't believe
you've just said that!Copy !req
304. Neither can I. I'm so nervous,
I'm all over the place.Copy !req
305. We haven't even ordered yet
and we're already talking
about my testicles.Copy !req
306. I... I don't know what to say. I
haven't done this for years. I'm...Copy !req
307. I normally expect at least
a starter before I'm accused
of being a man. Yeah.Copy !req
308. I bet this is the worst date
you've ever been on. No!Copy !req
309. The worst date I've ever
been on was a blind date,Copy !req
310. when I answered the door
and the guy said, "Euch, it's
a dwarf," and I said, "Yes, it is."Copy !req
311. He panicked, saying stuff like,
"What can you eat?
What time do you have to be in bed?"Copy !req
312. The final straw came when he looked
down at me and said, "Is this legal?"Copy !req
313. And I said, "I don't know what this
is, but let's call it a night."Copy !req
314. Got lovely eyes.Copy !req
315. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
316. 'I had a good time,
had a really good time.Copy !req
317. 'She's lovely, she's great.Copy !req
318. 'Started off a bit weird. Er...Copy !req
319. 'But, you know, the end of
the night was really lovely
and he's really funny.Copy !req
320. 'I've been out of the game a while,
but I think after a shaky start,Copy !req
321. 'I'll weave my magic, you know.Copy !req
322. 'He's really cool.'Copy !req
323. Well, OK, not cool,Copy !req
324. but... um... you know, I like him.Copy !req
325. 'I suppose if you've got it,
you've got it.
It's a bit like riding a bike.'Copy !req
326. Not that Amy's a bike! Not that
I can ride a bike... I can't get
anywhere near the pedals.Copy !req
327. But now you know me, anybody I know
is one degree. One degree from me.Copy !req
328. I'd like to sees him again,
I'd like to hang out more.Copy !req
329. 'My initial annoyance
when I first saw her wasCopy !req
330. not that I didn't fancy
her, but, you know,'Copy !req
331. I don't want people going, "Of
course he's going out with a dwarf."Copy !req
332. No, not, "of course".
Yes, in this instance,
I'm going out with a little person,Copy !req
333. but that could just as easily
have been a six-foot stunner.Copy !req
334. You don't know. You know,
what I resent is people seeing usCopy !req
335. walking down the street,
hand in hand, and going, "Oh, look,
that's all he could get."Copy !req
336. It's not all I could get, but it's
what I'm happy with at the moment.Copy !req
337. Scientology.
Thanks for seeing me by the way.Copy !req
338. If I was to join your cult,
would I get...? We are not a cult.Copy !req
339. We are a church. Same thing.
If I was to join, would I get to
meet Tom Cruise or John Travolta?Copy !req
340. It's not something we arrange.
You've got a load of American stars.
You haven't got many British ones.Copy !req
341. I know you were sniffing round
the Beckhams, but you don't want him
as a spokesman.Copy !req
342. That squeaky little voice. And Posh
Spice, she's no advert for a cult.Copy !req
343. You'd have trouble brainwashing
either of them, cos you need
a brain to be brainwashed!Copy !req
344. We are not a cult, and we don't
brainwash people. "We are not a cult
and we don't brainwash people."Copy !req
345. Do you have any more questions?Copy !req
346. Yeah. This I Ron Hubbard fella,
he was the founder, wasn't he?Copy !req
347. That's right.
What does the I stand for?Copy !req
348. Lafayette. You do definitely need
the L, because just Ron Hubbard...Copy !req
349. I mean, who'd follow
a chap called Ron Hubbard?Copy !req
350. Unless he was the captain of
your pub darts team, then maybe.
But, yeah, stick an I in front...Copy !req
351. I Ron Hubbard.
"Ooh, what's the I stand for?Copy !req
352. "Len? Larry?"
Do you have any more questions?Copy !req
353. "Lionel?"Copy !req
354. 'I've looked into
a few different religions.'Copy !req
355. Do you own this or is it rented?Copy !req
356. I think I'm going to stay
what I was born, which is
sort of a vague bog standard C of E.Copy !req
357. Cos you don't have to give anything
up, you can drink, smoke, fornicate,Copy !req
358. do whatever you want,
and all you have to do is say,Copy !req
359. "Yeah, I believe in God,"
and you get into heaven.Copy !req
360. Suits me!Copy !req
361. Here we go. Off on another date
with Amy tonight,Copy !req
362. which is great. She's a lovely girl.Copy !req
363. So, yeah, I'm very excited.Copy !req
364. It's funny how things work out,
isn't it?Copy !req
365. Cos that first date started off
badly but here we are, round two,
so...Copy !req
366. You know, very exciting.Copy !req
367. Good evening, sir. Evening.
She's over there.Copy !req
368. Thanks.Copy !req
369. Sorry, what makes you think
I'm meeting that particular lady?Copy !req
370. Sorry, sir, I just assumed
that because she's a... A dwarf.Copy !req
371. A smaller lady... Why would
you assume I was meeting her?Copy !req
372. We only have two women
waiting for dining companions, sir.
Who's the other lady that's waiting?Copy !req
373. That woman there on the stool.Copy !req
374. Oh! Tall, glamorous lady over there.Copy !req
375. There's no way I could be
meeting her, is there?Copy !req
376. You could be. I did just presume...
What if I just started snogging her?
What would happen?Copy !req
377. She'd scream? No, not necessarily.
Could be lovers, you don't know.Copy !req
378. Shall we try it again? This time,
don't presume you know who
I'm meeting. OK.Copy !req
379. Hello, sir. Hello.
I'm here to meet a woman. OK.Copy !req
380. What is the choice of women I could
be meeting? We have two waiting.
Point them out and I'll tell youCopy !req
381. which one I'm meeting.
There's no way you could know.
The tall lady... Don't mention size.Copy !req
382. Or there's that lady
over there at the table.Copy !req
383. Oh, yeah, there she is.
OK. So you are meeting her?Copy !req
384. Yes. But do you see my point?
There's no way you could know.Copy !req
385. I could have been meeting her.
There's always unlikely.Copy !req
386. What? Nothing. Will you just
take your seat please, sir?Copy !req
387. You don't think I could pull her,
do you?Copy !req
388. She is very attractive. So?
I'm a good-looking bloke. Mmm.
What do you mean?Copy !req
389. Objectively speaking,
of the people that come here,
would you say I'm good-looking?Copy !req
390. Sir, it's not...
Would you say I'm good-looking? No.Copy !req
391. Well, for a dwarf, then?Copy !req
392. Average? Oh, come on! Are you
joking? Have you seen some dwarves?Copy !req
393. Some of them are weird-looking,
they look like grubs.Copy !req
394. You're telling me, if that
woman over there comes up to youCopy !req
395. and says, "I'm looking for a man,"
you wouldn't fix me up? No.Copy !req
396. Well, why not?
I'd assume she fancied me.Copy !req
397. Why? If an attractive woman
comes up to me and says,
"I'm looking for man,"Copy !req
398. my first words wouldn't be,
"There's a horny dwarf over there
who's up for it."Copy !req
399. I'd say, "Let me buy you a drink."Copy !req
400. I can't believe
you're worming in on my date now.
I'm not. She's not your date.Copy !req
401. She is.Copy !req
402. Yes. Thank you.Copy !req
403. Thank you.Copy !req
404. Hi. How's it going? Fine.Copy !req
405. Was there a problem with
the maitre d'? No. Good.Copy !req
406. Lovely to see you. Do you reckon I
could get off with that bird? What?Copy !req
407. Do you think I could get off
with her?Copy !req
408. The tall glamorous one? Why mention
she's tall? Height isn't an issue.Copy !req
409. No reason why she wouldn't think,
"There's a good-looking fella.
Wouldn't mind a piece of that."Copy !req
410. Do you think I'm good-looking? Yeah.Copy !req
411. Not just for a dwarf? Generally?
Yes.Copy !req
412. Doesn't count cos you're a dwarf.Copy !req
413. What? Well, I mean your standards
are probably pretty low. What?Copy !req
414. She's looking over.
Right, just relax, just chill out.Copy !req
415. If she does come over,
don't say you're my date, right?Copy !req
416. Just say you're my sister.Copy !req
417. Wow! Did you see that? Just...
Oh! Didn't quite manage it there.Copy !req
418. Ooh! See?Copy !req
419. Get this... get this cleared up, yes?
She's going! Bye. Hmm.Copy !req
420. Oh! That'll hurt in the morning.Copy !req
421. 'Bryan was spot on
with the prediction he made,Copy !req
422. 'that I was going to meet
a lovely girl, go on a date.'Copy !req
423. It's funny, though, isn't it?
He left out tiny details -
I don't know whether you noticed...Copy !req
424. 'the bit about me falling off
a chair and pulling
everything off the table,Copy !req
425. 'smashing glasses in front
of a restaurant full of people.'Copy !req
426. And then the girl
I like walking off.Copy !req
427. Didn't mention that, did he?Copy !req
428. I'm going to bed.Copy !req
429. Mr Daniel Radcliffe? Would you
like to come to a party? When is it?Copy !req
430. It's this Saturday. Look at this,
it's only the beautiful Cat Deeley.Copy !req
431. Fuck! How would you kill yourself?Copy !req
432. Blow all my money on prossies,
then gun in my mouth. Classic.Copy !req
433. Difficult for you to hang yourself.
You couldn't reach.Copy !req
434. I feel a little bit... frisky.Copy !req
435. Are you and Cat Deeley an item?
You've rumbled us.Copy !req
436. I was going to ask
you guys something. Mmm?Copy !req
437. Do you think that new
jungle game show I did on Channel 5
was a mistake?Copy !req
438. Anyone else would say yes,
but it's not a mistake compared
with the rest of your career.Copy !req
439. That's what I thought.
I thought, "This is a disgrace.Copy !req
440. "But I am basically at rock bottom,
career-wise. Let's get the cock out."Copy !req
441. Mmm.Copy !req