1. My name is Warwick Davis.
I'm an actor...
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2. Yeah, evil toilet dwarf.
'.. soon to be divorced.'
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3. You don't live here any more.
Still my house.
'I'm an entrepreneur.'
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4. Give me five grand, just to live on.
'And I've got a massive tax bill.'
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5. You should do any shit job that
comes along, or you will go to jail.
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6. I am on my way to see a man
who's very important to me.
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7. His name is Bryan,
and he's my spiritual counsellor,
and life coach.
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8. And he phoned me and he said,
"Warwick, with everything
that's going on at the minute,
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9. "have you been neglecting
your spiritual life?" And I said,
"Yes, I have."
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10. And he said, "I knew that."
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11. And he was totally right, as always.
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12. Oh, hello. Well, well, well,
long time no see! Yeah.
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13. Brenda, two teas, please.
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14. Hey, come on. Oi, you two.
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15. Hey, Ying and Yang.
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16. 'Bryan is my...
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17. 'what he calls psychic housekeeper.'
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18. Sometimes I stand here and
I feel like I'm one of the plants,
and they're looking after me.
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19. Do you know what I mean by that?
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20. 'He deals with all
the sort of spiritual clutter'
that accumulates inside me.
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21. West, east.
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22. 'I told him about the divorce...'
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23. East-Chinese food, healthy food,
tai chi, oxen.
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24. 'And straight away he said
I needed to go and see him...'
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25. West. You know... McDonald's.
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26. 'Because he needs
to feng shui my soul.
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27. 'And you can't argue with that.'
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28. I love the conservatory, it's great.
Hang on, hang on, who's that? Hello?
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29. I think there's some...
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30. Somebody's talking.
Yeah, what do you want?
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31. Oh, they've come to say hello,
Warwick. Hello.
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32. Hello? Yeah?
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33. Do you know a John?
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34. John?
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35. No. No? You don't know a John?
You don't know any Johns? No.
OK, right, well, that's...
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36. Everyone knows a John.
Do you know a Jonathan? Jonathan?
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37. No. You don't know any Johns at all?
That's mad. That's never happened
before. Right. Any Js?
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38. Any... Anyone beginning with J?
Anyone whose name starts with J?
Jack?
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39. Jack? It's a Jack. Is it Jack?
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40. Is it Joseph? Joseph? Do you know
a Joseph? Do you know anyone whose
name starts with J at all?
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41. No? That's ridiculous.
OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
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42. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah! Dave.
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43. Someone called Dave.
You know a Dave? You know David?
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44. Dave? You don't know
anyone called David?
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45. I've heard of famous people
called David. Yeah, well, say yes,
then. Say yes.
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46. Name a famous David. David Bowie.
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47. David Bowie? Well, it's not him,
is it? Cos he's not dead.
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48. Name any other David. Another
David. No, another name. Simon.
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49. Simon. Simon.
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50. Stuart.
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51. Yeah... um... there was...
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52. er... a bloke who lived on the same
street as my mum and dad. He died.
His name was Stuart.
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53. Right. How old was he again?
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54. About 60. 60. Yeah, that's him.
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55. Bang on. 60-year-old Stuart.
He's looking down on you and he's
saying, "Hello Warwick. Well done.
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56. "You're doing really well,
you're doing great."
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57. What was Stuart's surname?
Doesn't matter.
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58. Can you ask him? I'm not going to
go round asking people their surname.
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59. Why not? Because it's rude.
Can you not just accept who he is?
It's definitely him.
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60. In fact, actually, hang on. What?
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61. Yeah, he's confirming it,
so it's definitely him.
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62. 'Bryan's got the gift.
I mean, you saw in that reading
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63. 'how the first name he got'
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64. was an old guy I knew called Stuart.
Now, I don't remember him very well
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65. so he couldn't
have been making it up.
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66. Right, Stuart says you're worried
about something. Is that true? Yeah.
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67. What are you worried about?
Does Stuart not know? Oh, for...!
Warwick, can you not...?
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68. Sorry, Stuart.
No, I'm asking him, Stuart,
but Warwick's being a little...
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69. Can you just say what
you're worried about? What is it?
I'm worried about my tax bill.
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70. Yes, exactly.
That's what Stuart thought.
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71. Stuart's saying,
"Don't worry about it."
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72. Will I pay off my tax bills?
Yeah, course you will.
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73. It's a lot of money.
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74. He knows that,
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75. and he's having a laugh, and he's
saying, "You can't take it with you."
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76. What, I can't take
the money or the debt with me?
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77. Oh! He's saying,
"Don't worry about it, Warwick."
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78. OK, what part of, "Don't worry
about it," do you not understand?
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79. OK, can I just ask one more thing?
Should I declare myself bankrupt?
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80. Right, he's saying, "Who am I?
Your fucking accountant?"
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81. OK.
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82. £60, please.
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83. I'm wondering whether I should
explore a more formal religion.
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84. I hear a lot of people talk about
having a relationship with God.
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85. 'Warwick can choose any god he likes,
and when he's chosen a god,'
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86. I'll look after him while
he's alive and the god'll take over
when he's dead. It's teamwork.
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87. I have worked with loads
of gods in the past. You know,
all the main ones, smaller ones.
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88. I've worked with gods
I've never even bloody heard of.
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89. Good luck to him!
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90. I will not work with the devil, OK?
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91. That's the line I draw.
The furthest I go is a white witch.
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92. Very happy to work
with a white witch.
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93. And that's not a racial term, OK?
By white witch, I mean good witch.
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94. I don't mean white, good, black
bad, cos I love black men...
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95. People! I love black people.
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96. Goodbye, Warwick. Goodbye.
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97. Oh, Warwick, can I tell you this?
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98. I see you being very happy very soon.
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99. Yeah? Yeah. Someone new is
going to come into your life.
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100. Your wife's gone, she's out
the picture. So you've got
to get back on the saddle.
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101. You deserve to be one...
Oi, sailor boy, come on!
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102. You deserv... Yes, in, don't cheek.
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103. You deserve
to be one half of a whole,
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104. and right now
you're just a little half.
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105. You will meet someone.
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106. Oi, I'm talking!
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107. You will meet someone
if you go out and try to meet people.
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108. Do you see? Yeah?
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109. Interesting, very interesting,
very astute.
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110. You know what Bryan's saying is,
I have to be pro-active,
like I am in business.
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111. In business, I'm out there hustling.
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112. So why am I just sitting back
thinking my next lover's going
to walk through the door?
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113. I've got to get out there.
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114. You have to be in it to win it.
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115. She's nice.
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116. Yeah, mine's not bad either.
Right, now play it cool, right?
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117. I want you to go over there.
I want you to say,
"Can we join me for a drink?
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118. "I should warn you, watch out for my
friend Warwick, cos he's a bad boy."
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119. Why would I say that?
Because women love bastards.
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120. You don't want to seem all sweet
and nice... that gets you nowhere.
Tell 'em someone bad, dangerous.
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121. Is it OK if I just... sit down?
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122. Yeah, sure. Cheers.
Yeah, I'm Eric. That's... um...
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123. That's my friend Warwick over there.
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124. I should warn you, though, he's bad.
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125. He's what? He's bad, and dangerous.
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126. What's so bad and dangerous
about him?
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127. He's a rapist.
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128. No! No, I'm a racist.
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129. You're a racist?
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130. I am a racist, yeah.
In the sense that,
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131. if anything, I prefer you,
the darker lady, which,
which is unfair on you.
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132. So, in a sense,
I'm racist cos... I'd do you,
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133. and not you. I mean, if it came
to it, I'd probably do the both
of you but... um... but...
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134. You go first.
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135. Let's go. Yeah?
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136. The reason I'm here is
I'm currently exploring
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137. sort of different avenues
of spirituality.
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138. I have a few questions if that's OK.
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139. Fine.
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140. Before we start, I want to get
this out the way straight away.
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141. It's a bit awkward, to be honest,
but I do need to ask.
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142. Are you a paedophile?
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143. No, I'm not.
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144. Great. Phew!
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145. Lot of it about - you see
why I had to ask that one. So...
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146. Catholicism. As I understand it,
you can just do whatever you want,
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147. turn up on a Sunday, say you're
sorry and you go, "Well, forget it."
Something like that?
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148. You're talking about confession?
Yes, yes.
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149. This is not a licence
to break the Ten Commandments.
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150. Yeah, I've been reading up on those.
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151. The first five are all about Him,
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152. that's God, and then it kicks in
with what you shouldn't do.
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153. I think there's murder,
covet thy neighbour's wife.
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154. I mean, I wouldn't
covet my neighbour's wife,
you should see her!
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155. I wouldn't touch her with yours.
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156. Interestingly, though,
kiddie fiddling... it's not
mentioned in the Ten Commandments.
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157. If I was making a list...
number one for me, right up there.
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158. "Thou shalt not touch kids."
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159. Not even mentioned.
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160. Oooh. Lucky for you lot, eh?
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161. No, I'm joking. You said you're
not and I believe you for now.
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162. I like a lot of what you're saying.
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163. If I may take the old rule book,
have a flick through that,
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164. and see if I like the sound of it.
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165. Oh, one final question,
and this is a deal-breaker...
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166. Do you approve of masturbation?
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167. No.
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168. I'm out.
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169. Excuse me, sir,
are you going to buy that mop?
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170. No, I'm using it to help me shop.
You can't go round using a mop
unless you're going to buy it.
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171. Why not? It's been used now,
we can't put that back on sale.
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172. I haven't used it as a mop.
Put it back and get someone
to hand stuff down to you.
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173. I'm not going to have
someone hand stuff to me!
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174. I'm an independent person,
trying to shop independently.
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175. Then you'll have to pay for that mop.
I'm not going to pay for it.
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176. Then you're not going to use it any
more. So what am I supposed to do?
Buy a mop every time I go shopping?
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177. No. Buy one mop, carry it with you.
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178. I've got to carry a mop
everywhere I go on the off chance
I might run out of Frosties?
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179. It's store policy.
Well, it's ridiculous.
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180. Oh! Sorry, that was ridiculous.
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181. What, you saw that?
It was totally rude. I know.
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182. You should complain.
I can be a witness or something.
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183. Really? Yeah, yeah.
He was just being a jobsworth.
I know. I... Idiot. Thank you.
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184. Um... sorry, could I just say...?
I am a big fan. Oh!
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185. Of yours. I really love Willow.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Warwick. Caroline.
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186. Hello. Cool. Um... Oh, could you
just pass me the tea bags actually?
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187. Oh! I was just trying to get
those when you came along.
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188. 'You do not expect that,
do you, in a supermarket?
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189. 'You pop out for a few essentials,
you meet a lovely woman,
who's single,'
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190. who also happens to be a fan.
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191. Right, eight... 172.
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192. 'You get talking.
Before you know it,
you've swapped bloody phone numbers'
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193. and I'm meeting her
for a drink on Friday.
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194. Bryan said I'd meet someone.
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195. Well, there you go.
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196. Are these condoms all right for you?
Yeah.
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197. You sure they'll fit?
Cos it's one size fits all.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
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198. Well, we've got to be careful
cos you could sue us. Barbara,
will these Johnnies fit a dwarf? Why?
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199. I've got one here.
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200. Depends on how big he is.
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201. Yeah, big enough, thank you.
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202. No, they're not for you. I mean,
they could be, but what I mean is
they're for anyone so...
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203. Not anyone! Obviously, you know
you'd be my first choice,
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204. but I would never presume,
obviously,
that that was going to occur.
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205. You've got to be careful.
It's better to be safe, cos there's
all sorts of diseases, aren't there?
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206. Not that I've got unclean...
But I don't know about...
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207. But no! That's what I'm saying.
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208. You know, we all get stressed
about it and I'm...
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209. Nobody should stress about this.
Just let's have fun.
You know what I mean?
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210. So is it... is it on for Friday?
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211. No? Right. Good.
I'll delete your phone number?
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212. Yeah.
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213. Thanks for that!
I don't need them now.
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214. I've already put them through.
Oh, brilliant. OK, just...
Thanks for all your help.
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215. 'She caught me buying condoms.
She's upset. Why is she upset?'
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216. I was being responsible.
If we're getting intimate,
and I say, "I've got a sheaf here,"
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217. she'll be like,
"Yeah, what a responsible
chap, let's get down to it."
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218. But because it's out
in the open now, upfront,
it's suddenly embarrassing,
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219. because a condom is for one
thing and one thing only
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220. and everyone knows what
I'm going to do with that.
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221. I've bought some carrots here.
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222. That could be to shove up my arse
but because no-one knows that,
it's not embarrassing.
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223. The carrot is not
for shoving up my arse, let me make
that totally clear.
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224. Yeah. Wow.
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225. So this is Toby. Hello.
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226. Who actually fixed me up with my
first wife, my only wife. Only wife.
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227. Sue. I was busy at the time. Yeah.
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228. Didn't have time to trawl round
for a wife so I came here.
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229. Yeah, I was so proud of finding
Warwick a wife, cos, I mean,
when he first came in I was like,
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230. "Right, here's a challenge, Toby."
All right. Yeah.
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231. But it was about six months or so...
Sue popped up, didn't she?
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232. Yeah. She was desperate as well.
And the rest is history.
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233. Yes. Well, now I'm back again.
He's back.
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234. For an upgrade! OK. Well, I popped
your details back into the system
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235. and hit search, and there we go,
straight away, the perfect match.
That's Sue. Do you know her?
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236. That's my ex-wife, Sue.
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237. Oh, it is Sue, isn't it? Gosh!
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238. Sorry. At least it shows
the system works. Not really,
because we've split up.
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239. That's the one person who's proven
not to be my perfect match.
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240. Of all the women in the world,
that's the one I shouldn't
have been paired with.
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241. To be honest,
it's a very, very old computer.
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242. Why did it say "perfect match"?
Shortest person on the books.
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243. Well, find the second shortest
person on the books.
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244. I did. I did show the picture
and everything. She does not want
to go out with you. Oh, no! Why?
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245. Too short, Warwick.
Way too short. Right.
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246. OK. Let's have a look at some other
options. Er...
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247. Oh, no way, no way! Um...
Keep going, keep going. No...
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248. She's been on the system for years.
Hang on, go back.
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249. Well, she's all right.
Yeah, you know, she's... Well...
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250. She's a stunner, isn't she?
Well, exactly, so... What?
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251. Just I've sent her a lot
of duffers recently and...
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252. I just don't want her losing faith
in the system,
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253. because you could be the straw that
breaks the camel's back. What?
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254. If I send you round, she's going to
get straight on the phone to me,
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255. "Why are you palming me off
with some midget?"
Don't say "midget", it's offensive.
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256. Exactly! That's not me saying that,
it's her. Yeah.
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257. If she's using language like that,
you shouldn't be with her.
I'm hanging up, mate.
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258. Is there no-one else? Not really.
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259. Um... Oh, she just came in.
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260. Ah! Oh, yes, OK, brilliant.
She's all right, yeah.
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261. Not bad, eh? Yeah,
she's perfect. She's called Amy.
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262. Amy likes... Oh, she works
for the council. Not bad.
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263. Likes the theatre, eating out with
friends, stuff like that. As do I.
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264. Yeah? Yeah, fix me up. All right,
let's get her back on. Great.
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265. Amy!
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266. Warwick? Yeah? Hi, I'm Amy.
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267. Hello.
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268. Will you excuse me for a minute?
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269. Come in. She's a dwarf!
She kept that quiet, didn't she?
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270. Now look at that. See that?
There's no clue in that picture,
is there? Just a head.
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271. It should be a full body shot,
with her stood next to a matchbox
or something.
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272. You know, like when they
show how big a moth is.
But, no, no clue there.
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273. Where's the arms?
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274. Sneaky.
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275. Sorry about that.
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276. All right?
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277. Yeah.
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278. Just...
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279. Did you know I was a little person,
from my picture?
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280. Yes. You did? Yeah, because you could
see my head and full body, yes.
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281. It's all about proportions, isn't
it? The old head-to-leg ratio.
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282. There were no arms and legs in
your picture, so nothing to go by.
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283. What do you mean?
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284. Well, there was no mention
you were a little person.
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285. Is that a problem?
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286. No. Not a problem for me.
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287. It's just... just seemed strange
of you to hide the fact.
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288. I didn't hide it. No.
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289. I just don't want everyone going,
"Ooh, she's a sneaky little one.
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290. "Whenever she can,
she hides the fact she's a dwarf."
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291. I wasn't hiding it. No.
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292. Just a bit of a surprise,
that's all.
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293. No more surprises in store, hmm?
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294. You weren't born a man? No.
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295. Don't want to get you back to my
place and suddenly in the throes of
passion, a bit of touchy-feely,
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296. "What's going on down here, love?
Either you were born a man
or you've been shoplifting offal."
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297. I don't think you should assume we're
going back to your place. No, sorry.
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298. Although now you've been so adamant
that we're not going home together,
Copy !req
299. it makes me think maybe there
are testicles down there.
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300. I haven't got testicles! No. Right.
And I have a witness to that, right?
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301. So if I do get off with you,
and you do turn out to be a man,
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302. no-one can go,
"I bet Warwick knew it was a man."
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303. I did not know it was a man, right?
Ad I'm not expecting testicles
down there.
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304. What?
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305. I can't believe
you've just said that!
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306. Neither can I. I'm so nervous,
I'm all over the place.
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307. We haven't even ordered yet
and we're already talking
about my testicles.
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308. I... I don't know what to say. I
haven't done this for years. I'm...
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309. I normally expect at least
a starter before I'm accused
of being a man. Yeah.
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310. I bet this is the worst date
you've ever been on. No!
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311. The worst date I've ever
been on was a blind date,
Copy !req
312. when I answered the door
and the guy said, "Euch, it's
a dwarf," and I said, "Yes, it is."
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313. He panicked, saying stuff like,
"What can you eat?
What time do you have to be in bed?"
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314. The final straw came when he looked
down at me and said, "Is this legal?"
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315. And I said, "I don't know what this
is, but let's call it a night."
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316. Got lovely eyes.
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317. Oh, thanks.
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318. 'I had a good time,
had a really good time.
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319. 'She's lovely, she's great.
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320. 'Started off a bit weird. Er...
Copy !req
321. 'But, you know, the end of
the night was really lovely
and he's really funny.
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322. 'I've been out of the game a while,
but I think after a shaky start,
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323. 'I'll weave my magic, you know.
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324. 'He's really cool.'
Copy !req
325. Well, OK, not cool,
Copy !req
326. but... um... you know, I like him.
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327. 'I suppose if you've got it,
you've got it.
It's a bit like riding a bike.'
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328. Not that Amy's a bike! Not that
I can ride a bike... I can't get
anywhere near the pedals.
Copy !req
329. But now you know me, anybody I know
is one degree. One degree from me.
Copy !req
330. I'd like to sees him again,
I'd like to hang out more.
Copy !req
331. 'My initial annoyance
when I first saw her was
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332. not that I didn't fancy
her, but, you know,'
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333. I don't want people going, "Of
course he's going out with a dwarf."
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334. No, not, "of course".
Yes, in this instance,
I'm going out with a little person,
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335. but that could just as easily
have been a six-foot stunner.
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336. You don't know. You know,
what I resent is people seeing us
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337. walking down the street,
hand in hand, and going, "Oh, look,
that's all he could get."
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338. It's not all I could get, but it's
what I'm happy with at the moment.
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339. Scientology.
Thanks for seeing me by the way.
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340. If I was to join your cult,
would I get...? We are not a cult.
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341. We are a church. Same thing.
If I was to join, would I get to
meet Tom Cruise or John Travolta?
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342. It's not something we arrange.
You've got a load of American stars.
You haven't got many British ones.
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343. I know you were sniffing round
the Beckhams, but you don't want him
as a spokesman.
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344. That squeaky little voice. And Posh
Spice, she's no advert for a cult.
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345. You'd have trouble brainwashing
either of them, cos you need
a brain to be brainwashed!
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346. We are not a cult, and we don't
brainwash people. "We are not a cult
and we don't brainwash people."
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347. Do you have any more questions?
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348. Yeah. This I Ron Hubbard fella,
he was the founder, wasn't he?
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349. That's right.
What does the I stand for?
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350. Lafayette. You do definitely need
the L, because just Ron Hubbard...
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351. I mean, who'd follow
a chap called Ron Hubbard?
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352. Unless he was the captain of
your pub darts team, then maybe.
But, yeah, stick an I in front...
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353. I Ron Hubbard.
"Ooh, what's the I stand for?
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354. "Len? Larry?"
Do you have any more questions?
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355. "Lionel?"
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356. 'I've looked into
a few different religions.'
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357. Do you own this or is it rented?
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358. I think I'm going to stay
what I was born, which is
sort of a vague bog standard C of E.
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359. Cos you don't have to give anything
up, you can drink, smoke, fornicate,
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360. do whatever you want,
and all you have to do is say,
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361. "Yeah, I believe in God,"
and you get into heaven.
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362. Suits me!
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363. Here we go. Off on another date
with Amy tonight,
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364. which is great. She's a lovely girl.
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365. So, yeah, I'm very excited.
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366. It's funny how things work out,
isn't it?
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367. Cos that first date started off
badly but here we are, round two,
so...
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368. You know, very exciting.
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369. Good evening, sir. Evening.
She's over there.
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370. Thanks.
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371. Sorry, what makes you think
I'm meeting that particular lady?
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372. Sorry, sir, I just assumed
that because she's a... A dwarf.
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373. A smaller lady... Why would
you assume I was meeting her?
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374. We only have two women
waiting for dining companions, sir.
Who's the other lady that's waiting?
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375. That woman there on the stool.
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376. Oh! Tall, glamorous lady over there.
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377. There's no way I could be
meeting her, is there?
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378. You could be. I did just presume...
What if I just started snogging her?
What would happen?
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379. She'd scream? No, not necessarily.
Could be lovers, you don't know.
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380. Shall we try it again? This time,
don't presume you know who
I'm meeting. OK.
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381. Hello, sir. Hello.
I'm here to meet a woman. OK.
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382. What is the choice of women I could
be meeting? We have two waiting.
Point them out and I'll tell you
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383. which one I'm meeting.
There's no way you could know.
The tall lady... Don't mention size.
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384. Or there's that lady
over there at the table.
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385. Oh, yeah, there she is.
OK. So you are meeting her?
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386. Yes. But do you see my point?
There's no way you could know.
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387. I could have been meeting her.
There's always unlikely.
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388. What? Nothing. Will you just
take your seat please, sir?
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389. You don't think I could pull her,
do you?
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390. She is very attractive. So?
I'm a good-looking bloke. Mmm.
What do you mean?
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391. Objectively speaking,
of the people that come here,
would you say I'm good-looking?
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392. Sir, it's not...
Would you say I'm good-looking? No.
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393. Well, for a dwarf, then?
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394. Average? Oh, come on! Are you
joking? Have you seen some dwarves?
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395. Some of them are weird-looking,
they look like grubs.
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396. You're telling me, if that
woman over there comes up to you
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397. and says, "I'm looking for a man,"
you wouldn't fix me up? No.
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398. Well, why not?
I'd assume she fancied me.
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399. Why? If an attractive woman
comes up to me and says,
"I'm looking for man,"
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400. my first words wouldn't be,
"There's a horny dwarf over there
who's up for it."
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401. I'd say, "Let me buy you a drink."
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402. I can't believe
you're worming in on my date now.
I'm not. She's not your date.
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403. She is.
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404. Yes. Thank you.
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405. Thank you.
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406. Hi. How's it going? Fine.
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407. Was there a problem with
the maitre d'? No. Good.
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408. Lovely to see you. Do you reckon I
could get off with that bird? What?
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409. Do you think I could get off
with her?
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410. The tall glamorous one? Why mention
she's tall? Height isn't an issue.
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411. No reason why she wouldn't think,
"There's a good-looking fella.
Wouldn't mind a piece of that."
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412. Do you think I'm good-looking? Yeah.
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413. Not just for a dwarf? Generally?
Yes.
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414. Doesn't count cos you're a dwarf.
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415. What? Well, I mean your standards
are probably pretty low. What?
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416. She's looking over.
Right, just relax, just chill out.
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417. If she does come over,
don't say you're my date, right?
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418. Just say you're my sister.
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419. Wow! Did you see that? Just...
Oh! Didn't quite manage it there.
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420. Ooh! See?
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421. Get this... get this cleared up, yes?
She's going! Bye. Hmm.
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422. Oh! That'll hurt in the morning.
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423. 'Bryan was spot on
with the prediction he made,
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424. 'that I was going to meet
a lovely girl, go on a date.'
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425. It's funny, though, isn't it?
He left out tiny details -
I don't know whether you noticed...
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426. 'the bit about me falling off
a chair and pulling
everything off the table,
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427. 'smashing glasses in front
of a restaurant full of people.'
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428. And then the girl
I like walking off.
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429. Didn't mention that, did he?
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430. I'm going to bed.
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431. Mr Daniel Radcliffe? Would you
like to come to a party? When is it?
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432. It's this Saturday. Look at this,
it's only the beautiful Cat Deeley.
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433. Fuck! How would you kill yourself?
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434. Blow all my money on prossies,
then gun in my mouth. Classic.
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435. Difficult for you to hang yourself.
You couldn't reach.
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436. I feel a little bit... frisky.
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437. Are you and Cat Deeley an item?
You've rumbled us.
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438. I was going to ask
you guys something. Mmm?
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439. Do you think that new
jungle game show I did on Channel 5
was a mistake?
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440. Anyone else would say yes,
but it's not a mistake compared
with the rest of your career.
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441. That's what I thought.
I thought, "This is a disgrace.
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442. "But I am basically at rock bottom,
career-wise. Let's get the cock out."
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443. Mmm.
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