1. What's the problem?Copy !req
2. When I signed up, my heroes
were Laurence Olivier, Al Pacino...Copy !req
3. At least you're working.Copy !req
4. I know.
It's not exactly what I dreamed of.Copy !req
5. Oh, here we go!Copy !req
6. Strike!Copy !req
7. 'My name is Warwick Davis.'
Hello, Dwarves For Hire.Copy !req
8. 'I'm an entrepreneur.'Copy !req
9. You're stealing the best roles
for yourself. 'I'm an actor.'Copy !req
10. What part of the character's this?
Just keep going.Copy !req
11. 'Soon to be divorced.'
Got your special shampoo? Yes.Copy !req
12. 'Oh,
and I've got a massive tax bill.'Copy !req
13. It's you that didn't know what
he was doing. You're my accountant.Copy !req
14. Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and welcome
to my website, warwickdavis.org.uk.Copy !req
15. Here's a showbiz anecdote for you.Copy !req
16. I was trying on costumes once
with actor Mark Hamill.Copy !req
17. He was stripped down
to his underwear,Copy !req
18. and I was quite literally
taken aback by the size of the bulge
in his underpants.Copy !req
19. For a slight man, there
really was a monster down there.Copy !req
20. I was mightily impressed,
and he was flaccid.Copy !req
21. So there you have it, finally
Warwick Davis has gone cyber.Copy !req
22. The site's been live for 48 hours
now. How many hits, Cheryl?Copy !req
23. 12.Copy !req
24. 12. For God's sakes!
See, that annoys me.Copy !req
25. Porn stars on sites like,
I don't know, hotdirtysluts.co.uk,
millions of hits.Copy !req
26. Me, proper film star
making proper films, 12 hits.Copy !req
27. "Do you want to visit my website?"
"No, we'd rather have a wank,
Warwick."Oh, have a wank then."Copy !req
28. I mean, part of the problem could be
that my website address
is warwickdavis.org.uk.Copy !req
29. so if you're looking for me
and you type in warwickdavis.com,Copy !req
30. you're going to be
sorely disappointed.Copy !req
31. Probably get some clown
who's a plumber in Chepstow.Copy !req
32. There he is. And I don't think
you want to go there.Copy !req
33. Well, it turns out you do, actually,
he's had more hits than me.Copy !req
34. 1,800 people need a plumber
in Chepstow? Fuck off!Copy !req
35. What do you need?Copy !req
36. Well, I won't keep you guys.
Go on.Copy !req
37. Well, I was thinking,
what'd be great for my websiteCopy !req
38. would be a quote from you, Ricky,
endorsing me as an actor. OK.Copy !req
39. Think that's a good idea?
Yeah, definitely.Copy !req
40. The problem is,
I'll start straightaway,Copy !req
41. and think, "Wow, this dude must
be good if..." Really good idea.Copy !req
42. Yeah, yeah? What, to me
to put my name to, to his...
Yeah, yeah... career?Copy !req
43. Um, well, we're a bit snowed under,
to be honest, but I...Copy !req
44. Can you just e-mail me
something later? Oh... Yeah.Copy !req
45. Great. Cheers. Thanks.Copy !req
46. The Society Of People
Of Short Stature was set up in 1985.Copy !req
47. We're a group that really campaigns
for the rights of little people.Copy !req
48. Currently, the chairman
is a man called Anthony Braden.Copy !req
49. I am vice chairman.Copy !req
50. I should probably be chairman,
really,Copy !req
51. but I suppose it means more
to Anthony, so good luck to him.Copy !req
52. Prejudice doesn't need
to be hate-fuelled,
it can just be ignorance.Copy !req
53. It can be being patronised
or it can just simply be...Copy !req
54. 'I feel it's important
to use whatever charismaCopy !req
55. 'and star power that I've been
blessed with to help others.'Copy !req
56. It's an honour.Copy !req
57. It's also a duty.Copy !req
58. If you can send in your bits of news
and any interesting articlesCopy !req
59. we'll try and get them published.Copy !req
60. So I look forward to seeing
you at the next meeting. Thanks.Copy !req
61. What's... What's all that? What's...Copy !req
62. Oh, I've just got to do
a quick interview for BBC News
about the society,Copy !req
63. What, they're interviewing you?
Yeah.Copy !req
64. Hiya.Copy !req
65. So you're from the BBC.Copy !req
66. Er, yeah.Copy !req
67. British Broadcasting Corporation.Copy !req
68. And, er,
and you're interviewing Anthony?Copy !req
69. That's right.Copy !req
70. Seems a bit odd.
You know, you've got a film star in
your midst and you wouldn't use him.Copy !req
71. What film star?Copy !req
72. Me, Warwick Davis.
Return Of The Jedi, etc.Copy !req
73. Ah, OK. It's just a quick interview.Copy !req
74. We were told Anthony's
the chairman of the society.
Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, well, he is.Copy !req
75. Bit worried, actually.
Anthony might freeze up
in front of the cameras, you know.Copy !req
76. It's just one camera.Copy !req
77. Can I have a word? Yeah, of course.Copy !req
78. Bloody film crew just clocked me,
right,Copy !req
79. and they want me
to do the interview.Copy !req
80. You all right if we do it together?Copy !req
81. Yeah, fine. I'm not bothered.Copy !req
82. Hiya.
Just spoke to Anthony over there.Copy !req
83. Our worst fears have come true.
He's nervous.Copy !req
84. He wants me
to do the interview with him.Copy !req
85. Er, fine, whatever. Cool.Copy !req
86. You got a dressing room
I can chill out in?Copy !req
87. Just need to get my head together,
you know.Copy !req
88. No, we're ready to go now. Cool, mm.Copy !req
89. Got any slap?Copy !req
90. Slap? Make-up.Copy !req
91. No.Copy !req
92. It's all right, got me own.Copy !req
93. Pop another chair out.Copy !req
94. You all right?Copy !req
95. Bit shiny...
Do you want some powder?Copy !req
96. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
97. Sweaty.Copy !req
98. Happy?Copy !req
99. Yeah, I'm happy. You happy? Yeah.Copy !req
100. Great, let's rock 'n' roll.
OK, then.Copy !req
101. Take one.Copy !req
102. So, what are you campaigning for?Copy !req
103. Well, um, homophobic
or racial slurs are considered
totally unacceptable nowadays,Copy !req
104. and yet words like midget
are still being commonly used.Copy !req
105. Anthony's mentioned racism, and I
see our struggle as being like the
civil rights movement in America.Copy !req
106. Of the two of us, I suppose
I'm more like Martin Luther King,Copy !req
107. just cos I've got the profile and
the charisma and a way with words,Copy !req
108. but, you know, that's not to say
Anthony's not got
an important role to play.Copy !req
109. He's more your run of the mill
coloured chap in the '50s, you know.Copy !req
110. Yes, I'm taking all the glory
and going down in history,Copy !req
111. but then
he's not getting shot in the head.Copy !req
112. So, swings and roundabouts.Copy !req
113. So, what is to be done?Copy !req
114. It's about awareness.Copy !req
115. A lot of people don't even realise
that the word midget
is considered offensive.Copy !req
116. Oh, yeah, can I take this?
Um, what we're talking about
is equality, right?Copy !req
117. Martin Luther King once said,Copy !req
118. "I have a dream that one day
a little black boy will walk hand in
hand with a little white girl," OK?Copy !req
119. Swap the word black for dwarf,
and you've got my situation.Copy !req
120. Not literally. I don't mean I
want to walk down the street holding
hands with a little white girl,Copy !req
121. you know, or any little girl.Copy !req
122. And if I did, um, totally above
board, got the parents' permission
and everything,Copy !req
123. and it's not like I'm going
to a supermarket and dragging
the little girl out by the handCopy !req
124. and off down the woods, you know,
Mum screaming,
"Oh, where's my child?"Copy !req
125. "Went off down the woods
with a creepy little dwarf."Copy !req
126. What I'm saying is that dwarves
and regular people should be able to
walk hand in hand as equals.Copy !req
127. The Society Of People
Of Short Stature wanted to...Copy !req
128. Yeah, no, this is really good, this
sort of exposure for the society,Copy !req
129. and that's kind of what I can bring
it, you know, with my profile,
you know.Copy !req
130. Programmes like this'll
be interested to see what it's like.Copy !req
131. Oh, here we are, here's Anthony,
the shiny sod!Copy !req
132. Go on, get on with it!Copy !req
133. Homophobic or racial slurs
are considered
totally unacceptable nowadays,Copy !req
134. and yet words like midget
are still being commonly used.Copy !req
135. So, what is to be done?Copy !req
136. Basically,
like other minority groups,Copy !req
137. we feel we should be able to
expect equality and dignity
in public and in the workplace.Copy !req
138. Most of the jobs
in the entertainment industry
for little people are not dignified.Copy !req
139. Why can't a little person
be playing Othello or Hamlet
or any of the great roles?Copy !req
140. Height should simply
not be an issue.Copy !req
141. It should simply come down to,
"Can they act?"Copy !req
142. Anthony Braden from the Society
Of People Of Short Stature...Copy !req
143. That's... that's ridiculous.Copy !req
144. They've just cut me out.
That's... that's embarrassing.Copy !req
145. For them.Copy !req
146. I feel like phoning up the head
of the BBC and going, "All right?Copy !req
147. "It's Warwick Davis here."
"All right, how are you doing?
Thought you'd be in Hollywood."Copy !req
148. "No, no, took the day off."
"What have you been doing,
chilling out?Copy !req
149. "No, spent the day helping one
of your producers do a news report."Copy !req
150. "That'll get the ratings in."
"No, it won't, cos they cut me out."
"Did they?"Copy !req
151. "Yeah, they just left in
some totally boring un-famous dwarf
that no-one cares about.Copy !req
152. "Tell that producer
I'll never work for him again."Copy !req
153. "Oh, don't worry, Warwick,
he'll never work again."Copy !req
154. Yeah, I'm not going
to do that, though.Copy !req
155. I don't want to get
the little prat fired.Copy !req
156. Hello. What's all this?
We want to talk to you.Copy !req
157. Ah, have you made an appointment
cos, er, I've got a lot of meetings
this afternoon, haven't I?Copy !req
158. Mm, no, you haven't.Copy !req
159. Are you sure? Just check again.Copy !req
160. No, definitely not. You've got
nothing. Nothing's going on.Copy !req
161. Phone hasn't rung for weeks.Copy !req
162. Thanks for your help.Copy !req
163. Seems like I can squeeze you in.Copy !req
164. We saw Anthony
on the news last night.
He made some interesting points.Copy !req
165. I made some as well, but they cut me
out. We're worried
there's a conflict of interest.Copy !req
166. When the phone rings, we don't know
if you're representing us
or taking the best roles. He's not.Copy !req
167. The phone never rings.
Yes, it does.Copy !req
168. And I always talk you guys up,
but if a producer calls up and says,
"I want to book Warwick Davis,"Copy !req
169. I can't go, "Oh, no you don't
want him, you want some nobody
you've never heard of," can I?Copy !req
170. I assume you're not putting that
on a press release. Definitely not.
Not putting out press releases.Copy !req
171. Well, shouldn't you be, to publicise
us? I've got the website.Copy !req
172. Yeah, but that's a website for you.
There should be
a Dwarves For Hire website,Copy !req
173. with our CVs on there and our show
reels. Who's paying for this?Copy !req
174. You! We want to show people we can
play Othello or Hamlet or any other
role a regular size person can play.Copy !req
175. Like Anthony said on the news,
height shouldn't be an issue, it
should come down to, "Can they act?"Copy !req
176. 'The truth is they can't act.'Copy !req
177. There's a reason they're bowling
balls or being fired from cannons,Copy !req
178. it's cos that's all they're good at.Copy !req
179. 'Look at Bernard, he's useless.Copy !req
180. 'I don't know what else
he could do in life.Copy !req
181. 'He certainly can't act.Copy !req
182. 'I told him, "You want to
volunteer for medical experiments,
you'll make more money that way."'Copy !req
183. They pump you full of drugs
and prod you around.
What's the worst that could happen?Copy !req
184. Even if he ends up deformed
or deaf and dumb
or loses the use of his legs,Copy !req
185. he'd be no worse off than he is now,
and he'd have money!Copy !req
186. 'They come to me because
I'm sort of their guardian angel.Copy !req
187. 'I care for them, I protect them,
I nurture them.Copy !req
188. 'If they want to be taken seriously,
then it's my duty to help.'Copy !req
189. I'll make them a show reel.Copy !req
190. I just hope they can
keep the costs down,
cos it is a total waste of money,Copy !req
191. and I don't mind giving them
false hope, but not at my expense.Copy !req
192. Action.Copy !req
193. My name is Maximus Decidimus Sorus,Copy !req
194. Emperor of the armies and legions,
servants of the, er...Copy !req
195. Don't look at me. Just keep...Copy !req
196. Servants of the Emperor,
Marcus Aurelius.Copy !req
197. Yeah. Blink.Copy !req
198. I will have my vengeance,
in this life or the next.Copy !req
199. Er, er, oh!Copy !req
200. This isn't showing you acting,
you're hanging there moaning.
Think of something to say.Copy !req
201. This is bloody horrible.Copy !req
202. This is not a good Friday.Copy !req
203. Yeah, brilliant.
Costing me five grand, this is.Copy !req
204. OK, Brokeback Mountain, take one.Copy !req
205. Oh, yeah, I love you.Copy !req
206. Oh! Don't tell me wife.Copy !req
207. Don't disturb the horses.Copy !req
208. Yeah. Hey, where did you get
this tent from? Millets.Copy !req
209. No-one wants to see that.Copy !req
210. I didn't even like seeing
the real two do it in the film,
and they were lookers.Copy !req
211. Look at that.Copy !req
212. I'm gay.Copy !req
213. Oh! Me, too.Copy !req
214. Aye, definitely gay.Copy !req
215. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant
have sent a quote through for me.Copy !req
216. They've made sure
I get the wording exactly right.
Um... I understand why.Copy !req
217. Their reputation is everything, um,
which is why when they endorse you,
it means something.Copy !req
218. Here it is.Copy !req
219. "We've worked with some
of the greatest actors on the planet
and Warwick Davis."Copy !req
220. Not bad, is it?
Thank you, gentleman, for that.Copy !req
221. Some more good news.Copy !req
222. Finally, the fans
have begun to find my websiteCopy !req
223. and some of them have been leaving
lovely comments, haven't they?Copy !req
224. Cheryl,
do you want to read some out?Copy !req
225. No, not really.Copy !req
226. No, I'm saying, "Read some out."Copy !req
227. Oh, OK.Copy !req
228. This one's
from the Prince of Darkness.Copy !req
229. All right, what does the Prince say?Copy !req
230. "Yay, Warwick's website."
Great, thank you,
Prince of Darkness. Any more?Copy !req
231. This one's from Nigel Perkins.
Where do they get these names from?Copy !req
232. Nutty, some of my fans, so...
Hello, Nigel. What does he say?Copy !req
233. "Well done."Copy !req
234. Great, Nigel likes it. That's good.
Um, cool. Any... anything else?Copy !req
235. Cyber Slayer.
Cyber Slayer! It's a cool name.Copy !req
236. Great. He says, "Awful,
you are rubbish, you are not
an actor, you just dress up.Copy !req
237. "We didn't even
see your face in those films.Copy !req
238. "That is not acting.
You're not even a proper dwarf.Copy !req
239. "Your arms are wrong."Copy !req
240. Don't even know what that means.Copy !req
241. "You're a disgusting little creature
and I want to squash you."Copy !req
242. Is that it?Copy !req
243. No.Copy !req
244. All right, what else?Copy !req
245. "Fuck off."Copy !req
246. Cyber Slayer. Ah, yeah,
and that's not your real name.Copy !req
247. Um, you're a coward, hiding
behind a crappy little stupid name.Copy !req
248. You're a waste of time, really,
um, a moron.Copy !req
249. Yeah, I, I don't know who you are.
Nobody knows who you are.Copy !req
250. You know, you've never been in
any films or on the TV.Copy !req
251. You... you're... you're nobody.
You're not famous.Copy !req
252. How do you know he isn't famous?
He isn't famous!Copy !req
253. Which famous person would go online
and slag me off? Simon Cowell.Copy !req
254. Well, why?
He says what he thinks.Copy !req
255. Well, why would he think that?
Maybe he doesn't like looking at
weird stuff.Copy !req
256. He worked with Susan Boyle
and Jedward, and Louis Walsh.Copy !req
257. Excuse me.
I'm here to pick up a dwarf.Copy !req
258. Oh, yeah, er, drunk and disorderly,Copy !req
259. and riding a children's
tricycle down a dual carriageway.Copy !req
260. Right, um,
are you going to press charges?Copy !req
261. Not if you're happy to take him
into your custody.Copy !req
262. Yeah, OK, whatever.Copy !req
263. Let's have him.Copy !req
264. As soon as they even think they're
in a film they go and get wasted.Copy !req
265. My name is Maximum Minimus,Copy !req
266. and I'll have my end away
with your wife, or the next...Copy !req
267. We had to confiscate his sword.Copy !req
268. I've got my own sword.
My pork sword.Copy !req
269. Ha!Copy !req
270. Oh!Copy !req
271. He's thrown up over his own penis.Copy !req
272. You're not getting in my car
smelling like that.Copy !req
273. Don't need to. I've got my bike.Copy !req
274. No, Pete, you can't go on the bike,
not again.Copy !req
275. No, whoa, stop!Copy !req
276. Pete, stop!Copy !req
277. Oh! Don't go on the dual
carriageway, take the back roads.
What is he..?Copy !req
278. Oh! How long is that going
to take him to get home?Copy !req
279. Oh, now he's off.Copy !req
280. Look, he's just flailing
like a dung beetle.Copy !req
281. Oh, it's pathetic.Copy !req
282. Thought of the day, um,
let's stay out of the Middle East,Copy !req
283. let them blow themselves up and
then just walk in and take the oil.Copy !req
284. Next, women I'd like to meet.Copy !req
285. Dame Judi Dench and Shakira
for completely different reasons.Copy !req
286. So, I posted that up and our friend
Cyber Slayer has been back onCopy !req
287. and he posted this comment.Copy !req
288. "You'd never get off with a bird
like Shakira,Copy !req
289. "she'd take one look at you, gob
in your ugly face and run a mile.Copy !req
290. "I could get off with her because
I do get off with birds as good
as her all the time, anyway."Copy !req
291. Pathetic. And he's a coward,
cos he wouldn't say that to my face.Copy !req
292. I'm going to prove that
because I've tracked him down.Copy !req
293. Cheryl here has been doing a bit
of detective work, haven't you?Copy !req
294. From his user name,
I found his YouTube channelCopy !req
295. and from his YouTube channel,
it was linked to his MySpace page.Copy !req
296. Yeah, yeah, OK. It's taking longer
than an episode of Columbo.Copy !req
297. Um, point is we found out
he's 16 years old,Copy !req
298. so there's no way he's getting off
with better-looking birds
than Shakira.Copy !req
299. I've got his real name, I've got
the name of his posh school,Copy !req
300. so I'm going to pay
the Cyber Slayer a little visit.Copy !req
301. And I'm going to destroy him.Copy !req
302. Sorry, can I help you? Yes, I want
to read you something, if that's OK.Copy !req
303. This was posted on my YouTube
channel by a pupil in your class.Copy !req
304. "You ugly little troll.
I want to tie you up and beat you."Copy !req
305. Quiet! Now, I don't know why he's
got such a fascination with me.Copy !req
306. Clearly has a fetish for dwarves.Copy !req
307. Wants to tie me up, does he?
Mm, sounds a bit gay!Copy !req
308. Maybe he's in love with me.
A gay dwarf fetish!Copy !req
309. His name is Justin Palmer.Copy !req
310. Justin Palmer, come up here.Copy !req
311. Justin, did you write these?Copy !req
312. And tell me the truth.
Did you bully this man online?Copy !req
313. Yes.Copy !req
314. What do you have
to say for yourself?Copy !req
315. Sorry. Don't say sorry to me,
say sorry to him.Copy !req
316. It's fine, really, it doesn't
matter. No, it's not fine.Copy !req
317. Apologise, please, to the gentleman
that you've bullied.Copy !req
318. Wasn't actually bullying, as such.
Sorry.Copy !req
319. Thanks.Copy !req
320. Good. Now go back to your desk.Copy !req
321. You haven't heard the last of this.
See me afterwards.Copy !req
322. Gay! OK, sssh!Copy !req
323. Bum chum!Copy !req
324. Bender!Copy !req
325. 'It's water under the bridge.
Um, it's all sorted now.'Copy !req
326. Um, I hadn't realised that he was...
He'll be fine though, so...Copy !req
327. Did you destroy him?Copy !req
328. Destroy is such an awful term.Copy !req
329. Any messages?Copy !req
330. Yes, a woman called, she'd seen
the Dwarves For Hire website.Copy !req
331. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
332. She said they need a dwarf actor
urgently for a week's filmingCopy !req
333. on a movie
with Helena Bonham Carter.Copy !req
334. Really? What's... Where is it?Copy !req
335. Great!Copy !req
336. Shall I use one of those dwarves
that complainsCopy !req
337. that you always take
the best action jobs for yourself?Copy !req
338. No. No, I'll... I'll do this job.
They said they needed
Warwick Davis, so...Copy !req
339. They didn't specify,
we can give it to who we want.Copy !req
340. I know, but if a director says
he needs a dwarf to act opposite
Helena Bonham Carter,Copy !req
341. then I have a responsibility
to all my clients to take that role,
you know, cos, you know,Copy !req
342. if I give them any old dwarf,
you know, it'll be like,Copy !req
343. "Oh, this dwarf can't act,
I'll never use a dwarf again,"Copy !req
344. whereas if I do it, he'll be like,
"Wow, Warwick Davis
is brilliant.Copy !req
345. "If this is what all dwarf actors
are like, I'm going to sprinkle
this place with dwarves."Copy !req
346. So, yeah, call 'em back,
tell 'em they've got their dwarf.Copy !req
347. Good.Copy !req
348. Huge honour for me to be in
a scene with Helena Bonham Carter.Copy !req
349. Um, you know, a big thrill.Copy !req
350. And she's a wonderful actress,
you know, very talented,Copy !req
351. is Oscar-nominated,
and with her in a film,Copy !req
352. it's going to get a lot
of attention, which will put me
back on the map.Copy !req
353. So... So, yeah,
it's a big opportunity for me.
I'm very excited.Copy !req
354. Stand by.Copy !req
355. Action.Copy !req
356. Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.Copy !req
357. While he's away fighting
for Her Majesty,
you're to be the man of the house.Copy !req
358. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.Copy !req
359. One more time. Shall I give you
the line, then you just do it?Copy !req
360. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.Copy !req
361. Fear is what makes you a man.Copy !req
362. You cannot have courage
without fear.Copy !req
363. Brilliant, Danny.
One more time, even more scared.Copy !req
364. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.Copy !req
365. Yes,
but fear's what makes you a man.Copy !req
366. You cannot have courage
without fear.Copy !req
367. And cut. Check the gate.Copy !req
368. That was lovely. You worked so...Copy !req
369. Beautiful. Cut there.Copy !req
370. OK, we'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
371. Really good.Copy !req
372. Can we turn round on Helena and find
me Danny's stand-in. Yes, OK.Copy !req
373. I'm a stand-in for a child.Copy !req
374. Yeah, kids can only work
a certain number of hours on a film,Copy !req
375. so if they're going to shoot
from behind the kid's head,
they'll often use dwarves.Copy !req
376. So that means I'm not even
going to be in the film.Copy !req
377. I'm just here so Helen Bonham
Carter's got someone to look at.Copy !req
378. Could have used any old dwarf.Copy !req
379. And action.Copy !req
380. Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.Copy !req
381. While he's away,
fighting for Her Majesty,Copy !req
382. you're to be the man of the house.Copy !req
383. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. Yes,
but fear's what makes you a man.Copy !req
384. You cannot have courage without
fear. I want you to remember that.Copy !req
385. Then I must be a brave man,
for all I feel is fear...Copy !req
386. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't...Copy !req
387. Cut, cut. What's the problem?
Yeah, I'm...Copy !req
388. What? No, it's just like, it's just
really hard to act opposite this,
given the way it looks.Copy !req
389. I mean, it's a bit weird,
I mean, the... the legs
don't move the same as Danny's.Copy !req
390. Yeah, OK, yeah. Yeah, and I can't
have its face staring at me.Copy !req
391. It? Can we lose the face?Copy !req
392. What d'you mean, lose the face?
Can we cover up the face? Does he
even need to be there at all?Copy !req
393. I mean, anything else would do.Copy !req
394. How about a block of wood?
Block of wood would be great.Copy !req
395. Block of wood, please. What about
a bin? Yeah, a bin would be fine.
Oh, yeah!Copy !req
396. Paint a face on it so I've got
something to focus on.
Face, please, face on the bin.Copy !req
397. OK. Thanks. Come on, come on.
All right.Copy !req
398. OK. Great, yeah, that's perfect.Copy !req
399. Do you still need the lines?
Yeah, yeah, get him to do the lines.Copy !req
400. OK. Thanks, Nobs. Yeah.Copy !req
401. OK, thank you, just the lines. OK.Copy !req
402. Right, let's go.Copy !req
403. And action.Copy !req
404. Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.Copy !req
405. While he's away
fighting for Her Majesty,Copy !req
406. you're to be the man of the house.
Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.Copy !req
407. I'm sorry. Cut, cut.Copy !req
408. What's the problem?Copy !req
409. He's sneaking around back there,
I don't know what he's doing.
He could be weeing or anything.Copy !req
410. What? What are you doing?Copy !req
411. Tell you what,
why don't we put him in the bin?Copy !req
412. Yeah, might be better.
OK, let's put the midget in the bin.Copy !req
413. Hang on!
No, I'm not going in the bin.Copy !req
414. Have you got a problem?
It's ridiculous. Really?Copy !req
415. Well...Copy !req
416. You want to get paid?Copy !req
417. OK, let's go again. Stand by.Copy !req
418. And we're rolling. Action.Copy !req
419. Now, I want you
to be a brave young man.Copy !req
420. While your father's away
fighting for Her Majesty,Copy !req
421. you are going to be
the man of the house.Copy !req
422. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
Yes, but fear...Copy !req
423. I'm sorry! Cut. What?Copy !req
424. Helena? No, I can't do it like that.Copy !req
425. That's really bad,
bad acting. It's horrible.Copy !req
426. Look, I'm not even looking at him
and it's still really... I can't.Copy !req
427. All right, no, I've got an idea,
I've got an idea, I've got an idea.Copy !req
428. Nobby, thought you might help.
He'll be fine. You do the line.
Yeah, thanks. Why Nobby now?Copy !req
429. Nobs, thanks.Copy !req
430. OK, why don't you
just read Miss Fairfax,
that's all I need, just read it, OK?Copy !req
431. Stand by. Do I need to stay?Copy !req
432. Rolling.Copy !req
433. OK, ready, and action.Copy !req
434. I want you to be a brave young man
for your father.Copy !req
435. While he's away,
fighting for Her Majesty,
you're the man of the house.Copy !req
436. Miss, Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.Copy !req
437. I'm sorry.Copy !req
438. Ah, cut, cut, cut!
No... I... He's peering...Copy !req
439. He's staring at me
while I'm doing the scene. Oh!Copy !req
440. He must be putting Nobby off.
It is a bit, yeah.
Yeah, and I'm...Copy !req
441. Don't worry, Nobs,
we'll get another go. Don't worry.
He's just, um... Yeah. I know.Copy !req
442. And he smells. They all smell.
I think you'll find it's the bin!Copy !req
443. No, no, it's... Excuse me. I'll do
it. I think I've had enough. OK.Copy !req
444. And I know what I can take.
We'll get rid of him,
we'll get rid of him.Copy !req
445. And I'm just on the brink.
We'll do a separate shoot.Copy !req
446. Yeah. Without the, er...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.Copy !req
447. OK.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry. It's OK.Copy !req
448. OK, that's lunch, folks. Back at two.Copy !req
449. Excuse me. Sorry?Copy !req
450. Excuse me.Copy !req
451. Right.Copy !req
452. "Do you want to do a day's filming
with Helena Bonham CarterCopy !req
453. "for shit money while a fat bloke
with a beard does your lines for
you, cos you're so crap at acting?"Copy !req
454. 'Crap?Copy !req
455. 'Like you're going to get
my best acting from inside a bin!'Copy !req
456. If you want me in a bin, you're not
getting my best acting as well.
It's one or the other.Copy !req
457. Do you want best acting, or do you
want me in a bin? You decide.Copy !req
458. Fine. So it's, er, lunch.Copy !req
459. Thanks for your help.Copy !req
460. We're in LA Thursday, if you want
to do dinner. Sounds great.Copy !req
461. Maybe I should be
in the chairman's chair.Copy !req
462. Maybe there are testicles
down there.Copy !req
463. I haven't got testicles.Copy !req
464. This is the amount we've arrived at.Copy !req
465. Oh, the fucking solicitor!Copy !req
466. It was the wrong time for comedy,
I know that now.Copy !req
467. Oh, that is so going on YouTube!Copy !req
468. You still want to do dinner?
Er, no.Copy !req
469. Be awkward, wouldn't it?Copy !req
470. This is bloody horrible.
You're making a big mistake.Copy !req
471. You should not have crucified me.Copy !req
472. I ask you, would you use him?Copy !req
473. If I ever wrote
The Passion Of The Dwarf, maybe.Copy !req
474. You think that's inappropriate,
look at this.Copy !req
475. I like men who give me pleasure,
and he gave me a lot of pleasure.Copy !req
476. You ever fucked on cocaine?Copy !req
477. Whoa! Oh, that's going to do her
no good at all.Copy !req
478. Yeah, I wanted to cut it.
Or at least give it a quick trim!Copy !req