1. What's the problem?
Copy !req
2. When I signed up, my heroes
were Laurence Olivier, Al Pacino...
Copy !req
3. At least you're working.
Copy !req
4. I know.
It's not exactly what I dreamed of.
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5. Oh, here we go!
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6. Strike!
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7. 'My name is Warwick Davis.'
Hello, Dwarves For Hire.
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8. 'I'm an entrepreneur.'
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9. You're stealing the best roles
for yourself. 'I'm an actor.'
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10. What part of the character's this?
Just keep going.
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11. 'Soon to be divorced.'
Got your special shampoo? Yes.
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12. 'Oh,
and I've got a massive tax bill.'
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13. It's you that didn't know what
he was doing. You're my accountant.
Copy !req
14. Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and welcome
to my website, warwickdavis.org.uk.
Copy !req
15. Here's a showbiz anecdote for you.
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16. I was trying on costumes once
with actor Mark Hamill.
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17. He was stripped down
to his underwear,
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18. and I was quite literally
taken aback by the size of the bulge
in his underpants.
Copy !req
19. For a slight man, there
really was a monster down there.
Copy !req
20. I was mightily impressed,
and he was flaccid.
Copy !req
21. So there you have it, finally
Warwick Davis has gone cyber.
Copy !req
22. The site's been live for 48 hours
now. How many hits, Cheryl?
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23. 12.
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24. 12. For God's sakes!
See, that annoys me.
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25. Porn stars on sites like,
I don't know, hotdirtysluts.co.uk,
millions of hits.
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26. Me, proper film star
making proper films, 12 hits.
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27. "Do you want to visit my website?"
"No, we'd rather have a wank,
Warwick."Oh, have a wank then."
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28. I mean, part of the problem could be
that my website address
is warwickdavis.org.uk.
Copy !req
29. so if you're looking for me
and you type in warwickdavis.com,
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30. you're going to be
sorely disappointed.
Copy !req
31. Probably get some clown
who's a plumber in Chepstow.
Copy !req
32. There he is. And I don't think
you want to go there.
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33. Well, it turns out you do, actually,
he's had more hits than me.
Copy !req
34. 1,800 people need a plumber
in Chepstow? Fuck off!
Copy !req
35. What do you need?
Copy !req
36. Well, I won't keep you guys.
Go on.
Copy !req
37. Well, I was thinking,
what'd be great for my website
Copy !req
38. would be a quote from you, Ricky,
endorsing me as an actor. OK.
Copy !req
39. Think that's a good idea?
Yeah, definitely.
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40. The problem is,
I'll start straightaway,
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41. um, I can't think of anything.
You could think of something.
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42. Just a couple of sentences
singing my praises, and directors
and producers would see it up there
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43. and think, "Wow, this dude must
be good if..." Really good idea.
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44. Yeah, yeah? What, to me
to put my name to, to his...
Yeah, yeah... career?
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45. Um, well, we're a bit snowed under,
to be honest, but I...
Copy !req
46. Can you just e-mail me
something later? Oh... Yeah.
Copy !req
47. Great. Cheers. Thanks.
Copy !req
48. The Society Of People
Of Short Stature was set up in 1985.
Copy !req
49. We're a group that really campaigns
for the rights of little people.
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50. Currently, the chairman
is a man called Anthony Braden.
Copy !req
51. I am vice chairman.
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52. I should probably be chairman,
really,
Copy !req
53. but I suppose it means more
to Anthony, so good luck to him.
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54. Prejudice doesn't need
to be hate-fuelled,
it can just be ignorance.
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55. It can be being patronised
or it can just simply be...
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56. 'I feel it's important
to use whatever charisma
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57. 'and star power that I've been
blessed with to help others.'
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58. It's an honour.
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59. It's also a duty.
Copy !req
60. If you can send in your bits of news
and any interesting articles
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61. we'll try and get them published.
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62. So I look forward to seeing
you at the next meeting. Thanks.
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63. What's... What's all that? What's...
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64. Oh, I've just got to do
a quick interview for BBC News
about the society,
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65. What, they're interviewing you?
Yeah.
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66. Hiya.
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67. So you're from the BBC.
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68. Er, yeah.
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69. British Broadcasting Corporation.
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70. And, er,
and you're interviewing Anthony?
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71. That's right.
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72. Seems a bit odd.
You know, you've got a film star in
your midst and you wouldn't use him.
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73. What film star?
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74. Me, Warwick Davis.
Return Of The Jedi, etc.
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75. Ah, OK. It's just a quick interview.
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76. We were told Anthony's
the chairman of the society.
Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, well, he is.
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77. Bit worried, actually.
Anthony might freeze up
in front of the cameras, you know.
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78. It's just one camera.
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79. Can I have a word? Yeah, of course.
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80. Bloody film crew just clocked me,
right,
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81. and they want me
to do the interview.
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82. You all right if we do it together?
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83. Yeah, fine. I'm not bothered.
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84. Hiya.
Just spoke to Anthony over there.
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85. Our worst fears have come true.
He's nervous.
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86. He wants me
to do the interview with him.
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87. Er, fine, whatever. Cool.
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88. You got a dressing room
I can chill out in?
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89. Just need to get my head together,
you know.
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90. No, we're ready to go now. Cool, mm.
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91. Got any slap?
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92. Slap? Make-up.
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93. No.
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94. It's all right, got me own.
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95. Pop another chair out.
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96. You all right?
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97. Bit shiny...
Do you want some powder?
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98. No, I'm fine.
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99. Sweaty.
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100. Happy?
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101. Yeah, I'm happy. You happy? Yeah.
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102. Great, let's rock 'n' roll.
OK, then.
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103. Take one.
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104. So, what are you campaigning for?
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105. Well, um, homophobic
or racial slurs are considered
totally unacceptable nowadays,
Copy !req
106. and yet words like midget
are still being commonly used.
Copy !req
107. Anthony's mentioned racism, and I
see our struggle as being like the
civil rights movement in America.
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108. Of the two of us, I suppose
I'm more like Martin Luther King,
Copy !req
109. just cos I've got the profile and
the charisma and a way with words,
Copy !req
110. but, you know, that's not to say
Anthony's not got
an important role to play.
Copy !req
111. He's more your run of the mill
coloured chap in the '50s, you know.
Copy !req
112. Yes, I'm taking all the glory
and going down in history,
Copy !req
113. but then
he's not getting shot in the head.
Copy !req
114. So, swings and roundabouts.
Copy !req
115. So, what is to be done?
Copy !req
116. It's about awareness.
Copy !req
117. A lot of people don't even realise
that the word midget
is considered offensive.
Copy !req
118. Oh, yeah, can I take this?
Um, what we're talking about
is equality, right?
Copy !req
119. Martin Luther King once said,
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120. "I have a dream that one day
a little black boy will walk hand in
hand with a little white girl," OK?
Copy !req
121. Swap the word black for dwarf,
and you've got my situation.
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122. Not literally. I don't mean I
want to walk down the street holding
hands with a little white girl,
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123. you know, or any little girl.
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124. And if I did, um, totally above
board, got the parents' permission
and everything,
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125. and it's not like I'm going
to a supermarket and dragging
the little girl out by the hand
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126. and off down the woods, you know,
Mum screaming,
"Oh, where's my child?"
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127. "Went off down the woods
with a creepy little dwarf."
Copy !req
128. What I'm saying is that dwarves
and regular people should be able to
walk hand in hand as equals.
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129. The Society Of People
Of Short Stature wanted to...
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130. Yeah, no, this is really good, this
sort of exposure for the society,
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131. and that's kind of what I can bring
it, you know, with my profile,
you know.
Copy !req
132. Programmes like this'll
be interested to see what it's like.
Copy !req
133. Oh, here we are, here's Anthony,
the shiny sod!
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134. Go on, get on with it!
Copy !req
135. Homophobic or racial slurs
are considered
totally unacceptable nowadays,
Copy !req
136. and yet words like midget
are still being commonly used.
Copy !req
137. So, what is to be done?
Copy !req
138. Basically,
like other minority groups,
Copy !req
139. we feel we should be able to
expect equality and dignity
in public and in the workplace.
Copy !req
140. Most of the jobs
in the entertainment industry
for little people are not dignified.
Copy !req
141. Why can't a little person
be playing Othello or Hamlet
or any of the great roles?
Copy !req
142. Height should simply
not be an issue.
Copy !req
143. It should simply come down to,
"Can they act?"
Copy !req
144. Anthony Braden from the Society
Of People Of Short Stature...
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145. That's... that's ridiculous.
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146. They've just cut me out.
That's... that's embarrassing.
Copy !req
147. For them.
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148. I feel like phoning up the head
of the BBC and going, "All right?
Copy !req
149. "It's Warwick Davis here."
"All right, how are you doing?
Thought you'd be in Hollywood."
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150. "No, no, took the day off."
"What have you been doing,
chilling out?
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151. "No, spent the day helping one
of your producers do a news report."
Copy !req
152. "That'll get the ratings in."
"No, it won't, cos they cut me out."
"Did they?"
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153. "Yeah, they just left in
some totally boring un-famous dwarf
that no-one cares about.
Copy !req
154. "Tell that producer
I'll never work for him again."
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155. "Oh, don't worry, Warwick,
he'll never work again."
Copy !req
156. Yeah, I'm not going
to do that, though.
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157. I don't want to get
the little prat fired.
Copy !req
158. Hello. What's all this?
We want to talk to you.
Copy !req
159. Ah, have you made an appointment
cos, er, I've got a lot of meetings
this afternoon, haven't I?
Copy !req
160. Mm, no, you haven't.
Copy !req
161. Are you sure? Just check again.
Copy !req
162. No, definitely not. You've got
nothing. Nothing's going on.
Copy !req
163. Phone hasn't rung for weeks.
Copy !req
164. Thanks for your help.
Copy !req
165. Seems like I can squeeze you in.
Copy !req
166. We saw Anthony
on the news last night.
He made some interesting points.
Copy !req
167. I made some as well, but they cut me
out. We're worried
there's a conflict of interest.
Copy !req
168. When the phone rings, we don't know
if you're representing us
or taking the best roles. He's not.
Copy !req
169. The phone never rings.
Yes, it does.
Copy !req
170. And I always talk you guys up,
but if a producer calls up and says,
"I want to book Warwick Davis,"
Copy !req
171. I can't go, "Oh, no you don't
want him, you want some nobody
you've never heard of," can I?
Copy !req
172. I assume you're not putting that
on a press release. Definitely not.
Not putting out press releases.
Copy !req
173. Well, shouldn't you be, to publicise
us? I've got the website.
Copy !req
174. Yeah, but that's a website for you.
There should be
a Dwarves For Hire website,
Copy !req
175. with our CVs on there and our show
reels. Who's paying for this?
Copy !req
176. You! We want to show people we can
play Othello or Hamlet or any other
role a regular size person can play.
Copy !req
177. Like Anthony said on the news,
height shouldn't be an issue, it
should come down to, "Can they act?"
Copy !req
178. 'The truth is they can't act.'
Copy !req
179. There's a reason they're bowling
balls or being fired from cannons,
Copy !req
180. it's cos that's all they're good at.
Copy !req
181. 'Look at Bernard, he's useless.
Copy !req
182. 'I don't know what else
he could do in life.
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183. 'He certainly can't act.
Copy !req
184. 'I told him, "You want to
volunteer for medical experiments,
you'll make more money that way."'
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185. They pump you full of drugs
and prod you around.
What's the worst that could happen?
Copy !req
186. Even if he ends up deformed
or deaf and dumb
or loses the use of his legs,
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187. he'd be no worse off than he is now,
and he'd have money!
Copy !req
188. 'They come to me because
I'm sort of their guardian angel.
Copy !req
189. 'I care for them, I protect them,
I nurture them.
Copy !req
190. 'If they want to be taken seriously,
then it's my duty to help.'
Copy !req
191. I'll make them a show reel.
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192. I just hope they can
keep the costs down,
cos it is a total waste of money,
Copy !req
193. and I don't mind giving them
false hope, but not at my expense.
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194. Action.
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195. My name is Maximus Decidimus Sorus,
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196. Emperor of the armies and legions,
servants of the, er...
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197. Don't look at me. Just keep...
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198. Servants of the Emperor,
Marcus Aurelius.
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199. Yeah. Blink.
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200. I will have my vengeance,
in this life or the next.
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201. Er, er, oh!
Copy !req
202. This isn't showing you acting,
you're hanging there moaning.
Think of something to say.
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203. This is bloody horrible.
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204. This is not a good Friday.
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205. Yeah, brilliant.
Costing me five grand, this is.
Copy !req
206. OK, Brokeback Mountain, take one.
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207. Oh, yeah, I love you.
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208. Oh! Don't tell me wife.
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209. Don't disturb the horses.
Copy !req
210. Yeah. Hey, where did you get
this tent from? Millets.
Copy !req
211. No-one wants to see that.
Copy !req
212. I didn't even like seeing
the real two do it in the film,
and they were lookers.
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213. Look at that.
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214. I'm gay.
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215. Oh! Me, too.
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216. Aye, definitely gay.
Copy !req
217. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant
have sent a quote through for me.
Copy !req
218. They've made sure
I get the wording exactly right.
Um... I understand why.
Copy !req
219. Their reputation is everything, um,
which is why when they endorse you,
it means something.
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220. Here it is.
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221. "We've worked with some
of the greatest actors on the planet
and Warwick Davis."
Copy !req
222. Not bad, is it?
Thank you, gentleman, for that.
Copy !req
223. Some more good news.
Copy !req
224. Finally, the fans
have begun to find my website
Copy !req
225. and some of them have been leaving
lovely comments, haven't they?
Copy !req
226. Cheryl,
do you want to read some out?
Copy !req
227. No, not really.
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228. No, I'm saying, "Read some out."
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229. Oh, OK.
Copy !req
230. This one's
from the Prince of Darkness.
Copy !req
231. All right, what does the Prince say?
Copy !req
232. "Yay, Warwick's website."
Great, thank you,
Prince of Darkness. Any more?
Copy !req
233. This one's from Nigel Perkins.
Where do they get these names from?
Copy !req
234. Nutty, some of my fans, so...
Hello, Nigel. What does he say?
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235. "Well done."
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236. Great, Nigel likes it. That's good.
Um, cool. Any... anything else?
Copy !req
237. Cyber Slayer.
Cyber Slayer! It's a cool name.
Copy !req
238. Great. He says, "Awful,
you are rubbish, you are not
an actor, you just dress up.
Copy !req
239. "We didn't even
see your face in those films.
Copy !req
240. "That is not acting.
You're not even a proper dwarf.
Copy !req
241. "Your arms are wrong."
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242. Don't even know what that means.
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243. "You're a disgusting little creature
and I want to squash you."
Copy !req
244. Is that it?
Copy !req
245. No.
Copy !req
246. All right, what else?
Copy !req
247. "Fuck off."
Copy !req
248. Cyber Slayer. Ah, yeah,
and that's not your real name.
Copy !req
249. Um, you're a coward, hiding
behind a crappy little stupid name.
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250. You're a waste of time, really,
um, a moron.
Copy !req
251. Yeah, I, I don't know who you are.
Nobody knows who you are.
Copy !req
252. You know, you've never been in
any films or on the TV.
Copy !req
253. You... you're... you're nobody.
You're not famous.
Copy !req
254. How do you know he isn't famous?
He isn't famous!
Copy !req
255. Which famous person would go online
and slag me off? Simon Cowell.
Copy !req
256. Well, why?
He says what he thinks.
Copy !req
257. Well, why would he think that?
Maybe he doesn't like looking at
weird stuff.
Copy !req
258. He worked with Susan Boyle
and Jedward, and Louis Walsh.
Copy !req
259. Excuse me.
I'm here to pick up a dwarf.
Copy !req
260. Oh, yeah, er, drunk and disorderly,
Copy !req
261. and riding a children's
tricycle down a dual carriageway.
Copy !req
262. Right, um,
are you going to press charges?
Copy !req
263. Not if you're happy to take him
into your custody.
Copy !req
264. Yeah, OK, whatever.
Copy !req
265. Let's have him.
Copy !req
266. As soon as they even think they're
in a film they go and get wasted.
Copy !req
267. My name is Maximum Minimus,
Copy !req
268. and I'll have my end away
with your wife, or the next...
Copy !req
269. We had to confiscate his sword.
Copy !req
270. I've got my own sword.
My pork sword.
Copy !req
271. Ha!
Copy !req
272. Oh!
Copy !req
273. He's thrown up over his own penis.
Copy !req
274. You're not getting in my car
smelling like that.
Copy !req
275. Don't need to. I've got my bike.
Copy !req
276. No, Pete, you can't go on the bike,
not again.
Copy !req
277. No, whoa, stop!
Copy !req
278. Pete, stop!
Copy !req
279. Oh! Don't go on the dual
carriageway, take the back roads.
What is he..?
Copy !req
280. Oh! How long is that going
to take him to get home?
Copy !req
281. CRASHING
Copy !req
282. Oh, now he's off.
Copy !req
283. Look, he's just flailing
like a dung beetle.
Copy !req
284. Oh, it's pathetic.
Copy !req
285. Thought of the day, um,
let's stay out of the Middle East,
Copy !req
286. let them blow themselves up and
then just walk in and take the oil.
Copy !req
287. Next, women I'd like to meet.
Copy !req
288. Dame Judi Dench and Shakira
for completely different reasons.
Copy !req
289. So, I posted that up and our friend
Cyber Slayer has been back on
Copy !req
290. and he posted this comment.
Copy !req
291. "You'd never get off with a bird
like Shakira,
Copy !req
292. "she'd take one look at you, gob
in your ugly face and run a mile.
Copy !req
293. "I could get off with her because
I do get off with birds as good
as her all the time, anyway."
Copy !req
294. Pathetic. And he's a coward,
cos he wouldn't say that to my face.
Copy !req
295. I'm going to prove that
because I've tracked him down.
Copy !req
296. Cheryl here has been doing a bit
of detective work, haven't you?
Copy !req
297. From his user name,
I found his YouTube channel
Copy !req
298. and from his YouTube channel,
it was linked to his MySpace page.
Copy !req
299. Yeah, yeah, OK. It's taking longer
than an episode of Columbo.
Copy !req
300. Um, point is we found out
he's 16 years old,
Copy !req
301. so there's no way he's getting off
with better-looking birds
than Shakira.
Copy !req
302. I've got his real name, I've got
the name of his posh school,
Copy !req
303. so I'm going to pay
the Cyber Slayer a little visit.
Copy !req
304. And I'm going to destroy him.
Copy !req
305. Sorry, can I help you? Yes, I want
to read you something, if that's OK.
Copy !req
306. This was posted on my YouTube
channel by a pupil in your class.
Copy !req
307. "You ugly little troll.
I want to tie you up and beat you."
Copy !req
308. Quiet! Now, I don't know why he's
got such a fascination with me.
Copy !req
309. Clearly has a fetish for dwarves.
Copy !req
310. Wants to tie me up, does he?
Mm, sounds a bit gay!
Copy !req
311. Maybe he's in love with me.
A gay dwarf fetish!
Copy !req
312. His name is Justin Palmer.
Copy !req
313. Justin Palmer, come up here.
Copy !req
314. WHIRRING
Copy !req
315. Justin, did you write these?
Copy !req
316. And tell me the truth.
Did you bully this man online?
Copy !req
317. Yes.
Copy !req
318. What do you have
to say for yourself?
Copy !req
319. Sorry. Don't say sorry to me,
say sorry to him.
Copy !req
320. It's fine, really, it doesn't
matter. No, it's not fine.
Copy !req
321. Apologise, please, to the gentleman
that you've bullied.
Copy !req
322. Wasn't actually bullying, as such.
Sorry.
Copy !req
323. Thanks.
Copy !req
324. Good. Now go back to your desk.
Copy !req
325. You haven't heard the last of this.
See me afterwards.
Copy !req
326. Gay! OK, sssh!
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327. Bum chum!
Copy !req
328. Bender!
Copy !req
329. 'It's water under the bridge.
Um, it's all sorted now.'
Copy !req
330. Um, I hadn't realised that he was...
He'll be fine though, so...
Copy !req
331. Did you destroy him?
Copy !req
332. Destroy is such an awful term.
Copy !req
333. Any messages?
Copy !req
334. Yes, a woman called, she'd seen
the Dwarves For Hire website.
Copy !req
335. Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
336. She said they need a dwarf actor
urgently for a week's filming
Copy !req
337. on a movie
with Helena Bonham Carter.
Copy !req
338. Really? What's... Where is it?
Copy !req
339. Great!
Copy !req
340. Shall I use one of those dwarves
that complains
Copy !req
341. that you always take
the best action jobs for yourself?
Copy !req
342. No. No, I'll... I'll do this job.
They said they needed
Warwick Davis, so...
Copy !req
343. They didn't specify,
we can give it to who we want.
Copy !req
344. I know, but if a director says
he needs a dwarf to act opposite
Helena Bonham Carter,
Copy !req
345. then I have a responsibility
to all my clients to take that role,
you know, cos, you know,
Copy !req
346. if I give them any old dwarf,
you know, it'll be like,
Copy !req
347. "Oh, this dwarf can't act,
I'll never use a dwarf again,"
Copy !req
348. whereas if I do it, he'll be like,
"Wow, Warwick Davis
is brilliant.
Copy !req
349. "If this is what all dwarf actors
are like, I'm going to sprinkle
this place with dwarves."
Copy !req
350. So, yeah, call 'em back,
tell 'em they've got their dwarf.
Copy !req
351. Good.
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352. Huge honour for me to be in
a scene with Helena Bonham Carter.
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353. Um, you know, a big thrill.
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354. And she's a wonderful actress,
you know, very talented,
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355. is Oscar-nominated,
and with her in a film,
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356. it's going to get a lot
of attention, which will put me
back on the map.
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357. So... So, yeah,
it's a big opportunity for me.
I'm very excited.
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358. Stand by.
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359. Action.
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360. Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.
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361. While he's away fighting
for Her Majesty,
you're to be the man of the house.
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362. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
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363. One more time. Shall I give you
the line, then you just do it?
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364. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
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365. Fear is what makes you a man.
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366. You cannot have courage
without fear.
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367. Brilliant, Danny.
One more time, even more scared.
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368. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
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369. Yes,
but fear's what makes you a man.
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370. You cannot have courage
without fear.
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371. And cut. Check the gate.
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372. That was lovely. You worked so...
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373. Beautiful. Cut there.
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374. OK, we'll see you tomorrow.
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375. Really good.
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376. Can we turn round on Helena and find
me Danny's stand-in. Yes, OK.
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377. I'm a stand-in for a child.
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378. Yeah, kids can only work
a certain number of hours on a film,
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379. so if they're going to shoot
from behind the kid's head,
they'll often use dwarves.
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380. So that means I'm not even
going to be in the film.
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381. I'm just here so Helen Bonham
Carter's got someone to look at.
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382. Could have used any old dwarf.
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383. And action.
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384. Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.
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385. While he's away,
fighting for Her Majesty,
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386. you're to be the man of the house.
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387. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. Yes,
but fear's what makes you a man.
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388. You cannot have courage without
fear. I want you to remember that.
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389. Then I must be a brave man,
for all I feel is fear...
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390. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't...
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391. Cut, cut. What's the problem?
Yeah, I'm...
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392. What? No, it's just like, it's just
really hard to act opposite this,
given the way it looks.
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393. I mean, it's a bit weird,
I mean, the... the legs
don't move the same as Danny's.
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394. Yeah, OK, yeah. Yeah, and I can't
have its face staring at me.
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395. It? Can we lose the face?
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396. What d'you mean, lose the face?
Can we cover up the face? Does he
even need to be there at all?
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397. I mean, anything else would do.
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398. How about a block of wood?
Block of wood would be great.
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399. Block of wood, please. What about
a bin? Yeah, a bin would be fine.
Oh, yeah!
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400. Paint a face on it so I've got
something to focus on.
Face, please, face on the bin.
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401. OK. Thanks. Come on, come on.
All right.
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402. OK. Great, yeah, that's perfect.
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403. Do you still need the lines?
Yeah, yeah, get him to do the lines.
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404. OK. Thanks, Nobs. Yeah.
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405. OK, thank you, just the lines. OK.
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406. Right, let's go.
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407. And action.
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408. Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.
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409. While he's away
fighting for Her Majesty,
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410. you're to be the man of the house.
Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
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411. I'm sorry. Cut, cut.
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412. What's the problem?
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413. He's sneaking around back there,
I don't know what he's doing.
He could be weeing or anything.
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414. What? What are you doing?
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415. Tell you what,
why don't we put him in the bin?
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416. Yeah, might be better.
OK, let's put the midget in the bin.
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417. Hang on!
No, I'm not going in the bin.
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418. Have you got a problem?
It's ridiculous. Really?
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419. Well...
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420. You want to get paid?
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421. OK, let's go again. Stand by.
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422. And we're rolling. Action.
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423. Now, I want you
to be a brave young man.
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424. While your father's away
fighting for Her Majesty,
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425. you are going to be
the man of the house.
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426. Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
Yes, but fear...
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427. I'm sorry! Cut. What?
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428. Helena? No, I can't do it like that.
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429. That's really bad,
bad acting. It's horrible.
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430. Look, I'm not even looking at him
and it's still really... I can't.
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431. All right, no, I've got an idea,
I've got an idea, I've got an idea.
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432. Nobby, thought you might help.
He'll be fine. You do the line.
Yeah, thanks. Why Nobby now?
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433. Nobs, thanks.
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434. OK, why don't you
just read Miss Fairfax,
that's all I need, just read it, OK?
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435. Stand by. Do I need to stay?
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436. Rolling.
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437. OK, ready, and action.
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438. I want you to be a brave young man
for your father.
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439. While he's away,
fighting for Her Majesty,
you're the man of the house.
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440. Miss, Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
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441. I'm sorry.
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442. Ah, cut, cut, cut!
No... I... He's peering...
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443. He's staring at me
while I'm doing the scene. Oh!
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444. He must be putting Nobby off.
It is a bit, yeah.
Yeah, and I'm...
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445. Don't worry, Nobs,
we'll get another go. Don't worry.
He's just, um... Yeah. I know.
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446. And he smells. They all smell.
I think you'll find it's the bin!
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447. No, no, it's... Excuse me. I'll do
it. I think I've had enough. OK.
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448. And I know what I can take.
We'll get rid of him,
we'll get rid of him.
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449. And I'm just on the brink.
We'll do a separate shoot.
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450. Yeah. Without the, er...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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451. OK.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry. It's OK.
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452. OK, that's lunch, folks. Back at two.
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453. Excuse me. Sorry?
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454. Excuse me.
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455. Right.
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456. "Do you want to do a day's filming
with Helena Bonham Carter
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457. "for shit money while a fat bloke
with a beard does your lines for
you, cos you're so crap at acting?"
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458. 'Crap?
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459. 'Like you're going to get
my best acting from inside a bin!'
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460. If you want me in a bin, you're not
getting my best acting as well.
It's one or the other.
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461. Do you want best acting, or do you
want me in a bin? You decide.
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462. Fine. So it's, er, lunch.
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463. Thanks for your help.
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464. We're in LA Thursday, if you want
to do dinner. Sounds great.
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465. Maybe I should be
in the chairman's chair.
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466. Maybe there are testicles
down there.
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467. I haven't got testicles.
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468. This is the amount we've arrived at.
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469. Oh, the fucking solicitor!
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470. It was the wrong time for comedy,
I know that now.
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471. Oh, that is so going on YouTube!
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472. You still want to do dinner?
Er, no.
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473. Be awkward, wouldn't it?
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474. This is bloody horrible.
You're making a big mistake.
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475. You should not have crucified me.
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476. I ask you, would you use him?
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477. If I ever wrote
The Passion Of The Dwarf, maybe.
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478. You think that's inappropriate,
look at this.
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479. I like men who give me pleasure,
and he gave me a lot of pleasure.
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480. You ever fucked on cocaine?
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481. Whoa! Oh, that's going to do her
no good at all.
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482. Yeah, I wanted to cut it.
Or at least give it a quick trim!
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