1. 'My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an
actor...' Have you heard
of a film called Willow? No.Copy !req
2. Not many people have, to be
honest. '.. An entrepreneur.'Copy !req
3. You're hired.Copy !req
4. 'Soon to be divorced.'Copy !req
5. You're supposed to move out.
We're separated. Not really.Copy !req
6. 'Oh, and I've got
a massive tax bill.'Copy !req
7. How am I supposed to make
that much money?Copy !req
8. 'Today I'm at the biggest science
fiction and fantasy convention
in the UK.Copy !req
9. 'It's the fans' best day ever,Copy !req
10. 'cos they get to meet their heroes,
and say thanks for everything.Copy !req
11. 'It's also a great day for me
because, you know,Copy !req
12. 'I can say thank you for watching.'Copy !req
13. My chance to give them something.Copy !req
14. That's £25, please.Copy !req
15. There you go. £25, please. Thank you.Copy !req
16. Cheryl? Right.Copy !req
17. Hello. Hello. All right?
This is my son Michael.Copy !req
18. Hi, Michael. How's it going?
All right? He's got a tumour.Copy !req
19. Oh! Sorry to hear that.Copy !req
20. He really loves you. He loves
all your films, don't you?Copy !req
21. Thank you.Copy !req
22. He'd really like a picture.
Yeah, sure.Copy !req
23. Shall I put Michael on here?Copy !req
24. Thank you so much.
It's really made his day.Copy !req
25. Oh, it's a pleasure. There we go.
£25, please.Copy !req
26. What?Copy !req
27. £25.Copy !req
28. You're going to charge us? Yeah.Copy !req
29. What, even with his tumour?Copy !req
30. It's very sad and everything, but
the sign does say £25, you know.Copy !req
31. I've got to treat everyone the same,Copy !req
32. or it's not fair. Anyone could
say they've a tumour.Copy !req
33. They wouldn't.Copy !req
34. You'd be surprised.
A lot of people would. Who?Copy !req
35. Angie Watts did in EastEnders.Copy !req
36. You remember? Dirty Den went
mental at her. Rightly so.Copy !req
37. OK, but he has got an actual tumour.Copy !req
38. So you say. I don't know.Copy !req
39. Well, let's assume that he's got
a tumour, because he has. Yeah.Copy !req
40. And if it turns out he hasn't,
you can go mentalCopy !req
41. and I'll send you £25. How's that?Copy !req
42. But no less so than when you started.
You came here with a tumour,Copy !req
43. you're getting more tumours,
whereas I'm withoutCopy !req
44. the £25 I'm entitled to.
Look at the sign.Copy !req
45. I can't believe that
you're being serious.Copy !req
46. Once word gets out I'm giving away
pictures to people with tumours,Copy !req
47. everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me!
I've got a tumour!"
No-one's going to do that!Copy !req
48. They're more likely to go, "Wow,
what a nice guy!Copy !req
49. "He gives away free pictures
to people with tumours."Copy !req
50. Yeah, all right. So you'll make
sure that message gets out then?Copy !req
51. Right, um...Copy !req
52. Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away
a free pictureCopy !req
53. to officially diagnosed tumours.
See, it's what I do. Nice guy, see?Copy !req
54. I've got a tumour. No, you haven't.Copy !req
55. No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS.Copy !req
56. You haven't got AIDS. Haven't I?Copy !req
57. No. To get AIDS, you have
to have had sex at least once.Copy !req
58. Good point!Copy !req
59. Who's it to?Copy !req
60. My mates call me Morpheus.Copy !req
61. Do they? No, I haven't got any mates.Copy !req
62. Just put Terry.Copy !req
63. £25. Thank you very much.Copy !req
64. Hiya. Tumour.Copy !req
65. Oh, for f...!Copy !req
66. Hi. Hi.Copy !req
67. We are giant fans,Copy !req
68. and we're getting married
in a few weeks.Copy !req
69. It's a Star Wars-themed wedding.Copy !req
70. Oh, right. We're wondering,
would you be guest of honour?Copy !req
71. Er...Copy !req
72. When is it? July the 14th.Copy !req
73. This year? Yeah. Ah...Copy !req
74. Diary is pretty full this year.Copy !req
75. Not this year, it's not.
No, there is some stuff in there.Copy !req
76. No, the diary's completely empty.
Look. It's not completely empty.Copy !req
77. It is, look.
See, it's completely empty.Copy !req
78. Yeah. Thanks for that, Cheryl!
We could pay you, obviously.Copy !req
79. I mean, not much. Maybe £500?Copy !req
80. If... If I could squeeze you in - and
it is an if...Copy !req
81. what would my duties be?
I mean, would I best man?Copy !req
82. No, that's my brother Rob.
Sure he's the right man for the job?Copy !req
83. Has he had experience
of public speaking?Copy !req
84. He's looking forward to it.
We're best friends.Copy !req
85. OK. Well, shall we just say that,
you know, if Rob crashes and burnsCopy !req
86. and the whole evening falls flat,
then I'll be straight up there
to save the day.Copy !req
87. OK. If that happens, then sure.
Great!Copy !req
88. And if it does happen, it'll be an
extra £250. Just so you know.Copy !req
89. I've got a great Star Wars anecdote
about a certain cast memberCopy !req
90. who asked me to smuggle cocaine
for her through LAX AirportCopy !req
91. cos she said there's not a customs
officer in the worldCopy !req
92. who wants to stick their finger
up a dwarf's arse.Copy !req
93. OK. Well, let's see how Rob gets
on first. It's your special day.Copy !req
94. Hi, excuse me. Hiya.Copy !req
95. Would you mind being
interviewed for the local news?Copy !req
96. Local news? Yeah, sure. Good.Copy !req
97. Great. How are you?
Very well, how are you?Copy !req
98. Good. Yes, very good.Copy !req
99. I didn't actually know who you were.
Oh.Copy !req
100. He recognised you. Oh, yeah?
Said you were famous. A bit.Copy !req
101. Who are you?Copy !req
102. Warwick Davis. So just start on me
and then go over to the, er...Copy !req
103. OK. What's your name again?Copy !req
104. It's Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis?Copy !req
105. Yeah. Davis. Warwick Davis,
Warwick Davis.Copy !req
106. Warwick Davis,
I'm here with Warwick Davis.Copy !req
107. You were in Star Wars, right?
That's right, yeah.Copy !req
108. Let's go. You rolling?Copy !req
109. Hello, I'm joined with... Ah, cut!Copy !req
110. Sorry. "Joined with"? What does
that mean? It's OK. It's not OK.Copy !req
111. Mistakes like that are why
I'm still at this channel.Copy !req
112. Been here three years.Copy !req
113. Still doing shitty little interviews
with nobodies.Copy !req
114. Let's go again.Copy !req
115. What's your name again?
Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis.Copy !req
116. Warwick Davis. Yeah.Copy !req
117. I'm with Warwick Davis,
Star of the Star Wars films.Copy !req
118. That is a cut as well.
It was going well.Copy !req
119. It's not going well!Copy !req
120. Star of the Star Wars films.
Don't patronise me, thank you.Copy !req
121. And also don't speak until I've
introduced you. Right? Right. OK.Copy !req
122. Camera's on me, I say your name,Copy !req
123. then the camera goes on you. Guess
what? That's when you speak. OK.Copy !req
124. Say who you are and why you're here.
Then we're done.Copy !req
125. Been up since six for this!
OK, we're going here?Copy !req
126. Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis.Copy !req
127. Yeah. Er, I was in
Star Wars - Return of the Jedi,Copy !req
128. the Harry Potter films,
playing Flitwick.Copy !req
129. I was also in the Leprechaun films,
the first one famously starredCopy !req
130. a very young Jennifer Anniston.Copy !req
131. You were in a film with
Jennifer Anniston? Yeah.Copy !req
132. My God! Any interesting stories?Copy !req
133. No, not really.
Fuck's sake! Cut!Copy !req
134. OK, what are you doing?Copy !req
135. What? Don't set me up with that then
have nothing.Copy !req
136. We look like prats. There's no
story. Clutching at straws here!Copy !req
137. Well, she's.. You say Jennifer
Aniston, I'll leap on it.Copy !req
138. Don't send me down a cul de sac,
right? OK.Copy !req
139. Send one more shoddy report this
week, I'm out on my ear.Copy !req
140. This doesn't get on telly,
you don't get on telly.Copy !req
141. Brilliant! Do yourself a favour.
Have you got both of us in?Copy !req
142. Have you just got his head?
It's a dwarf, if you just show his
head that's the same as on anyone.Copy !req
143. Can we put him on the table please,
so we can just see...Copy !req
144. Well, I don't think I should.
Get on the table so we can see
you're a bloody dwarf!Copy !req
145. What are you doing?Copy !req
146. All right, OK, if I just
get on the chair is that OK?Copy !req
147. Get on a chair.Copy !req
148. OK. Right, you see?Copy !req
149. OK, you ready? OK, let's do it.Copy !req
150. I'm here with Warwick Davis,
from Star Wars, and others. Go.Copy !req
151. Yeah, um, I was in, er,
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi... Yes.Copy !req
152. Played Wicket the Ewok.Copy !req
153. Er, I was in the Harry Potter films.
Of course.Copy !req
154. The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
Yeah. Time Bandits.
No, I wasn't in that.Copy !req
155. Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf!Copy !req
156. Fucking hell!Copy !req
157. Cut. Sorry, my bad!Copy !req
158. That's my bad, sorry.Copy !req
159. Have you got any interesting stories
about, um, about Star Wars?Copy !req
160. Well, yeah, I've got a good story
about how my grandmother
got me the part.Copy !req
161. Shall we do that? OK?Copy !req
162. Right. Here we go again.Copy !req
163. Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis,
Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf.Copy !req
164. Go on. How d'you get that part?Copy !req
165. I was 11 and my grandmother
was listening to the radio...Copy !req
166. Oh, my God, The A-Team van,
the A-Team van.Copy !req
167. Good, OK.Copy !req
168. He's gone to interview what is
essentially a second-hand car.Copy !req
169. Not a massive earner today.
Made 250 quid,Copy !req
170. which is why we're going to have
a brainstorming session.Copy !req
171. Do you know what that is? It just...
Throw out any money-making ideas
you've got, right?Copy !req
172. Brain storming, OK.Copy !req
173. I'll make some notes.Copy !req
174. We'll start with number one, OK?Copy !req
175. In your own time.Copy !req
176. The company is called
Dwarves For Hire. Is that right?Copy !req
177. Yes, it is, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
178. Why do you have to only do acting?
Could you do other stuff? Such as?Copy !req
179. Chimney sweep.Copy !req
180. Chimney sweep?
Why am I suddenly doing that?Copy !req
181. Well, it used to be children,
didn't it? 100 years ago, yeah.Copy !req
182. But it's cruel to send children
up there nowadays, so...Copy !req
183. So it's not cruel
to send a dwarf up there?Copy !req
184. No, because you're an adult,
aren't you? Oh, are you not?
Oh, I thought you're an adult.Copy !req
185. Yeah, of course I'm an adult,Copy !req
186. but I'm also a businessman
and I've been in loads of big films.Copy !req
187. Why am I suddenly
running up chimneys?Copy !req
188. You wouldn't have to run up there,
I could help you up.Copy !req
189. Right so, so your business idea
is you shoving me up a chimney?Copy !req
190. Well, you wouldn't actually
necessarily have to go
up there at all.Copy !req
191. When my gran used to have
her chimney cleaned, the blokeCopy !req
192. would come round, cover everything
up with sheets then stick a long
brush up there. You could do that.Copy !req
193. Right, so now I'm not even
taking advantage of my size.Copy !req
194. I'm just a chimney sweep?Copy !req
195. Or I could be at the bottom, and
you could be at the end of the poleCopy !req
196. cleaning the top of the chimney,
doing a great job,Copy !req
197. and people would come round and go,
"Wow, that is
the cleanest chimney ever!Copy !req
198. "How did you do that?"Copy !req
199. "I had a dwarf on a pole."Copy !req
200. "Which one?"Warwick Davis."Copy !req
201. "Who's Warwick Davis?"
"He's an actor."Copy !req
202. "What's he been in?"Films."Copy !req
203. "Which ones?"Copy !req
204. "I can't remember.Copy !req
205. "These ones."Copy !req
206. Right. That idea's safe.Copy !req
207. Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole".Copy !req
208. Good, um, moving on to number two.Copy !req
209. You could do other stuff
that's too dangerous for children.Copy !req
210. Like what?Copy !req
211. You could be used as bait
to catch a paedophile.Copy !req
212. Go on. How would this work?Copy !req
213. You in a little dress,
with bunches in your hair,Copy !req
214. just playing in the woods waiting
for paedophiles to come up to you,Copy !req
215. and molest you.Copy !req
216. Why am I dressed as a little girl?
Why can't I be a boy?Copy !req
217. I don't think
there's any gay paedophiles.Copy !req
218. There's loads of gay paedophiles.Copy !req
219. Also, they won't have done anything
wrong because if a paedophile comes
up to me and offers me some sweets,Copy !req
220. all he's done is give a dwarf
some sweets. That's not illegal.Copy !req
221. What happens if a real kid comes over
and wants to play?Copy !req
222. I'm a grown man dressed as a little
girl playing with a kid in the woods.Copy !req
223. Straight to prison. Next.Copy !req
224. You could hide in places too small
for other people to hide in.Copy !req
225. I don't even know what job that is.Copy !req
226. Forget it.Copy !req
227. It's just, it's not working.Copy !req
228. Just...Copy !req
229. There's nothing come in,
no job offers at all?Copy !req
230. No, nothing really. Oh.Copy !req
231. Oh. Oh, yeah,
Johnny Depp's agent called.Copy !req
232. What?Copy !req
233. Give it...Copy !req
234. You didn't want to mention this?Copy !req
235. 'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's
called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin.Copy !req
236. 'Tim is directing, obviously, it
is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter.Copy !req
237. 'Johnny will be playing
Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf
from the classic fairy tale.' OK.Copy !req
238. 'But you may know Johnny's
a real method actor,Copy !req
239. 'he spends a lot of time
researching his rolesCopy !req
240. 'and he wants to meet
and understand what it's like
to be a little person.'Copy !req
241. Fantastic.
He's made the right decision.Copy !req
242. I totally understand what it's like
to be a little person.Copy !req
243. 'Great! Obviously Johnny
will pay you for your time.Copy !req
244. 'We thought a week's work,
Monday to Friday, £1,000 a day.Copy !req
245. £5,000?Copy !req
246. 'Yeah. Is that OK?'Copy !req
247. Yeah, that's good, yeah.Copy !req
248. 'Are you free from Monday
next week?'Copy !req
249. Er, let's just, er,
just check the old diary.Copy !req
250. Er, it's pretty chocca so, er,
you know, we'll have to
shift a few things around.Copy !req
251. You've got nothing but a back wax.Copy !req
252. Yeah. No, I'm all set. Great.Copy !req
253. 'Great. Johnny will see you at the
Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.'
OK, see you then. Bye.Copy !req
254. 'Bye.' Oh!Copy !req
255. Oh, I can't believe
you're meeting Johnny Depp.Copy !req
256. He is my favourite film star.Copy !req
257. He's one of the handsomest men
on earth, and he's intelligent,Copy !req
258. and brilliant at acting, and rich.Copy !req
259. Probably wouldn't go out with me,
though, would he? Probably not.Copy !req
260. Course, he's married, isn't he?Copy !req
261. He is sadly,
otherwise you'd be straight in there.Copy !req
262. Not bad, is it? Being a muse
to one of the biggest movie stars
of all time.Copy !req
263. I'm not going to tell him
how to say his lines, no.Copy !req
264. I'm not going to tell him
how to play a dwarf.Copy !req
265. I'm going to tell him how
to be a dwarf,Copy !req
266. how to think like a dwarf,
how to feel like a dwarf.Copy !req
267. Then they'll use special effects
to make him small like a dwarf.Copy !req
268. Team effort.Copy !req
269. Hello. Oh, ho-ho, wow!Copy !req
270. That's perfect. OK. It's perfect.
Yeah you just, just move...Copy !req
271. All right? Just go and
do whatever you would normally do.Copy !req
272. Crazy little walk. Where do you sit?Copy !req
273. On like a chair, sofa? Or like,
er, on the floor, cross-legged?Copy !req
274. Can you actually,
can you do cross-legged?Copy !req
275. Not really, I just normally
sit in a chair. Really? Yeah.
Shall we, shall I sit down?Copy !req
276. Yeah, yeah, please, please.Copy !req
277. Wow...! He hopped on the chair.Copy !req
278. It's, it's great. Cool.Copy !req
279. He's kind of like a grub
coming out of an apple,Copy !req
280. seeing the world for the first time.Copy !req
281. All right.Copy !req
282. So may I ask you a question? Mm-hm.
If you were struck by lightning,Copy !req
283. bolt of lightning, bam!Copy !req
284. Right? Yeah. What do you do?Copy !req
285. Dead! Maybe not. OK.Copy !req
286. Can I just see you
out of that chair,Copy !req
287. on that floor?Copy !req
288. Standing here like this? Yeah.Copy !req
289. Just you and me.
Yeah. We're standing here talking.Copy !req
290. Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang,
bam! Ba!Copy !req
291. A bolt of lightning is going to
knock you down. OK.Copy !req
292. Bam! Ah! Oh! Stand up.Copy !req
293. Fucking stand up. That's great.Copy !req
294. Ah! That noise! Yeah. Noise is
fantastic. Let's do the noise again.Copy !req
295. Cool, right.Copy !req
296. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!Copy !req
297. Agh! Aghhhh! That's fantastic!
Oh, God that's great! Yeah, cool.
That's really great.Copy !req
298. It's like a... it's like a
weird baby crow that's been left
by its mother,Copy !req
299. and the little legs started
flailing.Copy !req
300. Did they? And, er... Yeah, they did.
Sorry, I'm just making notes.Copy !req
301. Have you heard of,
erm... Michael Flatley?Copy !req
302. Er, yeah. Yes, hmm.Copy !req
303. The Lord Of The Dance. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
304. Right. Here we go, you and me.
Yeah. What are we going to do?
The Lord Of The Dance.Copy !req
305. Faster.Copy !req
306. Fucking give me passion.Copy !req
307. No, come on!Copy !req
308. That's not Michael Flatley.Copy !req
309. Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.
Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.Copy !req
310. Faster. Faster. More, more!Copy !req
311. So, there's one scene,Copy !req
312. er... that I need to see,Copy !req
313. cos at one pointCopy !req
314. Rumpelstiltskin
climbs up through the sewers...Copy !req
315. Right... to escape the villagers.Copy !req
316. OK. OK? Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
317. How do you want to do that?Copy !req
318. Oh, boy! Oh, boy!Copy !req
319. Oh, God! It's far too much.Copy !req
320. It's an evil toilet dwarf.Copy !req
321. Yeah.Copy !req
322. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! OK.Copy !req
323. Ugh! Ooo-ugh!Copy !req
324. How do you feel?Copy !req
325. Erm, feet are a bit wet,
to be honest.Copy !req
326. So what is a typical day for you?Copy !req
327. Um. I want to see what you do,
I want to see what you do.
How you do it.Copy !req
328. What you do?
Same as you probably, really.Copy !req
329. Um, just
sort of having important meetings,
doing some brilliant acting. Mm.Copy !req
330. Um, hanging out with famous people,
sort of thing.Copy !req
331. Like, who like?Copy !req
332. Other dwarves, like tiny men?Copy !req
333. Sometimes. Er, yeah.
But, I mean, today,Copy !req
334. I'm going to cruise down and meet
a couple of good friends of mine...Copy !req
335. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.Copy !req
336. Ricky Gervais?Copy !req
337. Mm hm.Copy !req
338. Can I come with you?Copy !req
339. Sure, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
340. Good. Let's do it, yeah? Yeah.Copy !req
341. There they are, the lads.Copy !req
342. Hi. Hello, lads.
So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every
other day to see you guys, don't I?Copy !req
343. Seems like it, yeah.
Have you, er, have you met before?
Johnny this is Stephen.Copy !req
344. Hello, pleased to meet you. No.Copy !req
345. And Ricky there. I actually
remember him from the Golden Globes.Copy !req
346. Hi. Yeah. How's it going?Copy !req
347. I'm fine.
Just doing another film that's
going to make loads of money...Copy !req
348. probably a lot more money than
any film you've ever... ahem... made.Copy !req
349. Good.Copy !req
350. And you?Copy !req
351. Er, yeah just, just writing,
I write and direct all my own stuff.Copy !req
352. How great for you.Copy !req
353. That must be so great. I'm working
with a great director - Tim Burton.Copy !req
354. Have you ever heard of him?Copy !req
355. Of course. Yeah.Copy !req
356. And the film itself is really
brilliant and I'm playing
a very interesting character.Copy !req
357. Do you have any idea who my
leading lady is on this film?Copy !req
358. Erm, in the Tim Burton film?
Um, yeah.Copy !req
359. Helena Bonham Carter?Copy !req
360. How d'you know? Stab in the dark.Copy !req
361. She thinks you're an idiot. Sorry,
have I done something to offend you?Copy !req
362. What do you mean, like,Copy !req
363. trashing me in front of 200 million
people at the Golden Globes?Copy !req
364. That was a while ago,
they were jokes, Johnny...Copy !req
365. Oh, they were jokes? Yeah.
You like jokes? Yes.Copy !req
366. Good, cos I got together with
a few pals, after the awards,Copy !req
367. and we wrote some jokes...Copy !req
368. about you.Copy !req
369. And I want you to know this,
I want you to carry this with
you for the rest of your days.Copy !req
370. No-one makes fun of Tim Allen
on my watch...Copy !req
371. and gets away with it.Copy !req
372. Don't say anything, just keep
that in you, OK?Copy !req
373. Here are my jokes.Copy !req
374. What is nastier
than Ricky Gervais's jokes?Copy !req
375. His teeth!Copy !req
376. Why do people instantly dislike
Ricky Gervais?
Because it saves time!Copy !req
377. Ha, ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
378. Why did Ricky Gervais
do a series of audio books?Copy !req
379. So that the blind
could hate him as well.Copy !req
380. Now, this is from Angelina.Copy !req
381. "Tell Ricky Gervais that me
and Brad have a picture
of him on our mantelpiece,Copy !req
382. "because it keeps
the kids away from the fire."Copy !req
383. And why isn't
Ricky Gervais circumcised?Copy !req
384. Because there's no end
to that prick.Copy !req
385. Did you quit Twitter recently?Copy !req
386. Well, about two years ago.Copy !req
387. But you quit Twitter? Yeah.
Right. Yes.Copy !req
388. And did you quit because it only
has 140 characters?Copy !req
389. Well, the joke I made
at the time was I'm so verboseCopy !req
390. that I can't say everything in
140 letters, so...Copy !req
391. Right. Do the joke. What's the joke?Copy !req
392. I hear that Ricky Gervais quit
Twitter recently because it only
has 140 characters.Copy !req
393. Well, that's 139 more charactersCopy !req
394. than he's ever come up with.Copy !req
395. Good joke. The telling of it
took about as long as long asCopy !req
396. Pirates Of The Caribbean 3,
but yeah, it's a good joke.Copy !req
397. You're laughing.Copy !req
398. Well, it's just...Copy !req
399. You fucking laughed. Mm...
What, are you dissing Pirates now?Copy !req
400. No. Really? It's a good movie,
I thought it was...Copy !req
401. Just a bit long though,
which he picked up on.Copy !req
402. People love that movie. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
403. What is wrong with you people?Copy !req
404. Seriously, why do you pick
on movie stars?
What have I done wrong?Copy !req
405. Picking on..
I'm trying to express myself, man,
to help people.Copy !req
406. Sure. Give joy to the masses. Right.Copy !req
407. Is that a crime? Is that a crime?Copy !req
408. Seriously.Copy !req
409. No..Copy !req
410. No.Copy !req
411. No more.Copy !req
412. No more.Copy !req
413. These Hollywood stars are so
touchy, aren't they?Copy !req
414. Tell me about it.Copy !req
415. Well, that's five grand
down the drain!Copy !req
416. Still, I've got that wedding on
Saturday and that's cash in hand.Copy !req
417. Pick yourself up,
dust yourself down, Warwick.Copy !req
418. Onwards and upwards!Copy !req
419. Five grand, though!Copy !req
420. Well, here he is. Hello.
Hi, nice to see you again. Warwick.Copy !req
421. Where's your Ewok outfit? My...?Copy !req
422. Ewok outfit, where is it?Copy !req
423. What do you mean? Well, obviously
we want you dressed as an Ewok.Copy !req
424. What do you mean, obviously?
Why else would we invite you?
For my celebrity status?Copy !req
425. I invite dwarves to my wedding
willy-nilly if they're not bringing
anything to the table.Copy !req
426. You didn't bring the Ewok costume.Copy !req
427. Why would I walk
around with a costume?Copy !req
428. That was for a film.
Why do you actually need me?Copy !req
429. Anyone could walk around
dressed as an Ewok.Copy !req
430. That's not Dave Prowse, and that's
not Anthony Daniels, that's not
Kenny Baker in a dustbin there.Copy !req
431. Yeah, it is actually. Is it?Copy !req
432. Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick.Copy !req
433. My future wife is expecting to see
an Ewok at her wedding.Copy !req
434. You want me to,
magic up an Ewok costume?Copy !req
435. Could get like a bear outfit...Copy !req
436. Ewoks aren't bears.
Could someone pop to Hamley's for
a big toy bear and put him in it?Copy !req
437. What am I? A pair of pyjamas?Copy !req
438. I've got a big toy bear my brother
won at the fair. I could get that.Copy !req
439. Would you mind?
No, I don't want it, it stinks,
the dog humps it all the time.Copy !req
440. Great, yes, get the stinky bear.
Excuse me, I'm still here, you know.Copy !req
441. And, finally, just like to say
a few words aboutCopy !req
442. Emma's grandmother, Vera, who
sadly passed away very recently.Copy !req
443. We're certain that she's looking
down on us today wishing them
all the love in the world,Copy !req
444. so please raise your glasses
as we toast the bride and...Copy !req
445. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hang on a minute, hang on.Copy !req
446. Let's not go out on a dead gran,
let's have a bit of a laugh here.Copy !req
447. Um, here we go, just, er, hop up.Copy !req
448. Oh! Thank you very much.
I will take that.Copy !req
449. I'd just like to say a few words.
Let's end on a high...Copy !req
450. That's a good effort but a bit
depressing for a wedding.Copy !req
451. I'm Warwick and I'm the other
best man and I'm going to keep
this speech short, like myself!Copy !req
452. The groom is not just a huge
fan of mine but he's also a hugeCopy !req
453. a cricket fan and I know he's
been waiting to find out
the Test results.Copy !req
454. It's all right, mate,
they're negative!Copy !req
455. And there's only one thing that's
hit more ballsCopy !req
456. than Ian Botham's bat,
and that's Emma's chin!Copy !req
457. Traditionally, the best man's speech
is when you make the groom feel
uncomfortable for five minutes.Copy !req
458. Which is exactly what Nigel does
to Emma in bed.Copy !req
459. I mean, he makes her feel
uncomfortable as he's not very good
in bed.Copy !req
460. Not cos he's making her do something
she doesn't want to do,Copy !req
461. like forcing her to do anal.Copy !req
462. OK.Copy !req
463. Um, er, and looking around
the room you know I can seeCopy !req
464. you're thinking if I'm the best man,
why is Nigel marrying Emma?Copy !req
465. Cos I didn't get her pregnant.Copy !req
466. What's, what's the matter
with her, what...?Copy !req
467. She can't have kids. What?Copy !req
468. She can't have children.Copy !req
469. There's no way I could
have known she's barren.Copy !req
470. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
471. It's ridiculous,
you've got to chill out, honestly.Copy !req
472. You don't know how lucky
you are to have me here.Copy !req
473. Twat!Copy !req
474. Big laughs and thanks for that.Copy !req
475. So...Copy !req
476. Emma's gran.Copy !req
477. Emma's gran.Copy !req
478. Emma's gran.Copy !req
479. She needs a drink!Copy !req
480. 'What a week!Copy !req
481. 'It started off so well.'Copy !req
482. Star of a convention,
didn't make any money.Copy !req
483. Then Johnny Depp comes along,
supposed to get five grand,
I blow that.Copy !req
484. And then get paid to come
to a wedding - blew that.Copy !req
485. What am I doing?Copy !req
486. Sometimes I seriously think
I should just give up this lark
and get a proper job.Copy !req
487. What could you do instead?Copy !req
488. There's the rub.Copy !req
489. You're stealing the best roles
for yourself.Copy !req
490. It's really hard to act opposite
this, given the way it looks.Copy !req
491. I just said, first off
get a bra that fits...Copy !req
492. She's weak minded and vulnerable
and easily persuaded.Copy !req
493. That's how he got her, yes.Copy !req
494. He's more your run-of-the-mill
kind of chap.Copy !req
495. What's all this?
We want to talk to you.Copy !req
496. I can't have its face staring at me.
It?Copy !req
497. Can we lose the face?Copy !req
498. Right, that's one
for Great Ormond Street.Copy !req
499. Signed DVDs of The Office,
only £30. Signed by Ricky Gervais.Copy !req
500. And then Save the Children
and that one's Help The Aged.Copy !req
501. Thanks for doing this, Rick.Copy !req
502. It's amazing how much they'll raise.Copy !req
503. Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning.
Excellent, just dump it there.Copy !req
504. Yeah, we've got coffee,
and we have sandwiches.Copy !req
505. Cheers. Oh, Shaun, I was going
to ask you, for a quote for
the office.Copy !req
506. Ooh, the most important sitcom
of a generation.Copy !req
507. Er cheers. No, um...Copy !req
508. I meant a quote to paint the office.Copy !req
509. Three hundred?Copy !req
510. That's cheap. It is, yeah.Copy !req
511. Four. Well, you said three just now.Copy !req
512. I... Yeah, I'll give you four.Copy !req
513. Cheers. It's your money.Copy !req
514. It's still cheap, innit?Copy !req
515. It is, yeah.Copy !req