1. 'My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an
actor...' Have you heard
of a film called Willow? No.Copy !req
2. Not many people have, to be
honest. '.. An entrepreneur.'Copy !req
3. You're hired.Copy !req
4. 'Soon to be divorced.'Copy !req
5. You're supposed to move out.
We're separated. Not really.Copy !req
6. 'Oh, and I've got
a massive tax bill.'Copy !req
7. How am I supposed to make
that much money?Copy !req
8. 'Today I'm at the biggest science
fiction and fantasy convention
in the UK.Copy !req
9. 'It's the fans' best day ever,Copy !req
10. 'cos they get to meet their heroes,
and say thanks for everything.Copy !req
11. 'It's also a great day for me
because, you know,Copy !req
12. 'I can say thank you for watching.'Copy !req
13. My chance to give them something.Copy !req
14. That's £25, please.Copy !req
15. There you go. £25, please. Thank you.Copy !req
16. Cheryl? Right.Copy !req
17. Hello. Hello. All right?
This is my son Michael.Copy !req
18. Hi, Michael. How's it going?
All right? He's got a tumour.Copy !req
19. Oh! Sorry to hear that.Copy !req
20. He really loves you. He loves
all your films, don't you?Copy !req
21. Thank you.Copy !req
22. He'd really like a picture.
Yeah, sure.Copy !req
23. Shall I put Michael on here?Copy !req
24. Thank you so much.
It's really made his day.Copy !req
25. Oh, it's a pleasure. There we go.
£25, please.Copy !req
26. What?Copy !req
27. £25.Copy !req
28. You're going to charge us? Yeah.Copy !req
29. What, even with his tumour?Copy !req
30. It's very sad and everything, but
the sign does say £25, you know.Copy !req
31. I've got to treat everyone the same,Copy !req
32. or it's not fair. Anyone could
say they've a tumour.Copy !req
33. They wouldn't.Copy !req
34. You'd be surprised.
A lot of people would. Who?Copy !req
35. Angie Watts did in EastEnders.Copy !req
36. You remember? Dirty Den went
mental at her. Rightly so.Copy !req
37. OK, but he has got an actual tumour.Copy !req
38. So you say. I don't know.Copy !req
39. Well, let's assume that he's got
a tumour, because he has. Yeah.Copy !req
40. And if it turns out he hasn't,
you can go mentalCopy !req
41. and I'll send you £25. How's that?Copy !req
42. Everyone's happy. No,
cos I'm not happy. I'm down £25.Copy !req
43. You're the one that's happy. I'm not
happy because he's got a tumour.Copy !req
44. But no less so than when you started.
You came here with a tumour,Copy !req
45. you're getting more tumours,
whereas I'm withoutCopy !req
46. the £25 I'm entitled to.
Look at the sign.Copy !req
47. I can't believe that
you're being serious.Copy !req
48. Once word gets out I'm giving away
pictures to people with tumours,Copy !req
49. everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me!
I've got a tumour!"
No-one's going to do that!Copy !req
50. They're more likely to go, "Wow,
what a nice guy!Copy !req
51. "He gives away free pictures
to people with tumours."Copy !req
52. Yeah, all right. So you'll make
sure that message gets out then?Copy !req
53. Right, um...Copy !req
54. Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away
a free pictureCopy !req
55. to officially diagnosed tumours.
See, it's what I do. Nice guy, see?Copy !req
56. I've got a tumour. No, you haven't.Copy !req
57. No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS.Copy !req
58. You haven't got AIDS. Haven't I?Copy !req
59. No. To get AIDS, you have
to have had sex at least once.Copy !req
60. Good point!Copy !req
61. Who's it to?Copy !req
62. My mates call me Morpheus.Copy !req
63. Do they? No, I haven't got any mates.Copy !req
64. Just put Terry.Copy !req
65. £25. Thank you very much.Copy !req
66. Hiya. Tumour.Copy !req
67. Oh, for f...!Copy !req
68. Hi. Hi.Copy !req
69. We are giant fans,Copy !req
70. and we're getting married
in a few weeks.Copy !req
71. It's a Star Wars-themed wedding.Copy !req
72. Oh, right. We're wondering,
would you be guest of honour?Copy !req
73. Er...Copy !req
74. When is it? July the 14th.Copy !req
75. This year? Yeah. Ah...Copy !req
76. Diary is pretty full this year.Copy !req
77. Not this year, it's not.
No, there is some stuff in there.Copy !req
78. No, the diary's completely empty.
Look. It's not completely empty.Copy !req
79. It is, look.
See, it's completely empty.Copy !req
80. Yeah. Thanks for that, Cheryl!
We could pay you, obviously.Copy !req
81. I mean, not much. Maybe £500?Copy !req
82. If... If I could squeeze you in - and
it is an if...Copy !req
83. what would my duties be?
I mean, would I best man?Copy !req
84. No, that's my brother Rob.
Sure he's the right man for the job?Copy !req
85. Has he had experience
of public speaking?Copy !req
86. He's looking forward to it.
We're best friends.Copy !req
87. OK. Well, shall we just say that,
you know, if Rob crashes and burnsCopy !req
88. and the whole evening falls flat,
then I'll be straight up there
to save the day.Copy !req
89. OK. If that happens, then sure.
Great!Copy !req
90. And if it does happen, it'll be an
extra £250. Just so you know.Copy !req
91. I've got a great Star Wars anecdote
about a certain cast memberCopy !req
92. who asked me to smuggle cocaine
for her through LAX AirportCopy !req
93. cos she said there's not a customs
officer in the worldCopy !req
94. who wants to stick their finger
up a dwarf's arse.Copy !req
95. OK. Well, let's see how Rob gets
on first. It's your special day.Copy !req
96. Hi, excuse me. Hiya.Copy !req
97. Would you mind being
interviewed for the local news?Copy !req
98. Local news? Yeah, sure. Good.Copy !req
99. Great. How are you?
Very well, how are you?Copy !req
100. Good. Yes, very good.Copy !req
101. I didn't actually know who you were.
Oh.Copy !req
102. He recognised you. Oh, yeah?
Said you were famous. A bit.Copy !req
103. Who are you?Copy !req
104. Warwick Davis. So just start on me
and then go over to the, er...Copy !req
105. OK. What's your name again?Copy !req
106. It's Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis?Copy !req
107. Yeah. Davis. Warwick Davis,
Warwick Davis.Copy !req
108. Warwick Davis,
I'm here with Warwick Davis.Copy !req
109. You were in Star Wars, right?
That's right, yeah.Copy !req
110. Let's go. You rolling?Copy !req
111. Hello, I'm joined with... Ah, cut!Copy !req
112. Sorry. "Joined with"? What does
that mean? It's OK. It's not OK.Copy !req
113. Mistakes like that are why
I'm still at this channel.Copy !req
114. Been here three years.Copy !req
115. Still doing shitty little interviews
with nobodies.Copy !req
116. Let's go again.Copy !req
117. What's your name again?
Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis.Copy !req
118. Warwick Davis. Yeah.Copy !req
119. I'm with Warwick Davis,
Star of the Star Wars films.Copy !req
120. That is a cut as well.
It was going well.Copy !req
121. It's not going well!Copy !req
122. Star of the Star Wars films.
Don't patronise me, thank you.Copy !req
123. And also don't speak until I've
introduced you. Right? Right. OK.Copy !req
124. Camera's on me, I say your name,Copy !req
125. then the camera goes on you. Guess
what? That's when you speak. OK.Copy !req
126. Say who you are and why you're here.
Then we're done.Copy !req
127. Been up since six for this!
OK, we're going here?Copy !req
128. Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis.Copy !req
129. Yeah. Er, I was in
Star Wars - Return of the Jedi,Copy !req
130. the Harry Potter films,
playing Flitwick.Copy !req
131. I was also in the Leprechaun films,
the first one famously starredCopy !req
132. a very young Jennifer Anniston.Copy !req
133. You were in a film with
Jennifer Anniston? Yeah.Copy !req
134. My God! Any interesting stories?Copy !req
135. No, not really.
Fuck's sake! Cut!Copy !req
136. OK, what are you doing?Copy !req
137. What? Don't set me up with that then
have nothing.Copy !req
138. We look like prats. There's no
story. Clutching at straws here!Copy !req
139. Well, she's.. You say Jennifer
Aniston, I'll leap on it.Copy !req
140. Don't send me down a cul de sac,
right? OK.Copy !req
141. Send one more shoddy report this
week, I'm out on my ear.Copy !req
142. This doesn't get on telly,
you don't get on telly.Copy !req
143. Brilliant! Do yourself a favour.
Have you got both of us in?Copy !req
144. Have you just got his head?
It's a dwarf, if you just show his
head that's the same as on anyone.Copy !req
145. Can we put him on the table please,
so we can just see...Copy !req
146. Well, I don't think I should.
Get on the table so we can see
you're a bloody dwarf!Copy !req
147. What are you doing?Copy !req
148. All right, OK, if I just
get on the chair is that OK?Copy !req
149. Get on a chair.Copy !req
150. OK. Right, you see?Copy !req
151. OK, you ready? OK, let's do it.Copy !req
152. I'm here with Warwick Davis,
from Star Wars, and others. Go.Copy !req
153. Yeah, um, I was in, er,
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi... Yes.Copy !req
154. Played Wicket the Ewok.Copy !req
155. Er, I was in the Harry Potter films.
Of course.Copy !req
156. The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
Yeah. Time Bandits.
No, I wasn't in that.Copy !req
157. Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf!Copy !req
158. Fucking hell!Copy !req
159. Cut. Sorry, my bad!Copy !req
160. That's my bad, sorry.Copy !req
161. Have you got any interesting stories
about, um, about Star Wars?Copy !req
162. Well, yeah, I've got a good story
about how my grandmother
got me the part.Copy !req
163. Shall we do that? OK?Copy !req
164. Right. Here we go again.Copy !req
165. Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis,
Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf.Copy !req
166. Go on. How d'you get that part?Copy !req
167. I was 11 and my grandmother
was listening to the radio...Copy !req
168. Oh, my God, The A-Team van,
the A-Team van.Copy !req
169. Good, OK.Copy !req
170. He's gone to interview what is
essentially a second-hand car.Copy !req
171. Not a massive earner today.
Made 250 quid,Copy !req
172. which is why we're going to have
a brainstorming session.Copy !req
173. Do you know what that is? It just...
Throw out any money-making ideas
you've got, right?Copy !req
174. Brain storming, OK.Copy !req
175. I'll make some notes.Copy !req
176. We'll start with number one, OK?Copy !req
177. In your own time.Copy !req
178. The company is called
Dwarves For Hire. Is that right?Copy !req
179. Yes, it is, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
180. Why do you have to only do acting?
Could you do other stuff? Such as?Copy !req
181. Chimney sweep.Copy !req
182. Chimney sweep?
Why am I suddenly doing that?Copy !req
183. Well, it used to be children,
didn't it? 100 years ago, yeah.Copy !req
184. But it's cruel to send children
up there nowadays, so...Copy !req
185. So it's not cruel
to send a dwarf up there?Copy !req
186. No, because you're an adult,
aren't you? Oh, are you not?
Oh, I thought you're an adult.Copy !req
187. Yeah, of course I'm an adult,Copy !req
188. but I'm also a businessman
and I've been in loads of big films.Copy !req
189. Why am I suddenly
running up chimneys?Copy !req
190. You wouldn't have to run up there,
I could help you up.Copy !req
191. Right so, so your business idea
is you shoving me up a chimney?Copy !req
192. Well, you wouldn't actually
necessarily have to go
up there at all.Copy !req
193. When my gran used to have
her chimney cleaned, the blokeCopy !req
194. would come round, cover everything
up with sheets then stick a long
brush up there. You could do that.Copy !req
195. Right, so now I'm not even
taking advantage of my size.Copy !req
196. I'm just a chimney sweep?Copy !req
197. Or I could be at the bottom, and
you could be at the end of the poleCopy !req
198. cleaning the top of the chimney,
doing a great job,Copy !req
199. and people would come round and go,
"Wow, that is
the cleanest chimney ever!Copy !req
200. "How did you do that?"Copy !req
201. "I had a dwarf on a pole."Copy !req
202. "Which one?"Warwick Davis."Copy !req
203. "Who's Warwick Davis?"
"He's an actor."Copy !req
204. "What's he been in?"Films."Copy !req
205. "Which ones?"Copy !req
206. "I can't remember.Copy !req
207. "These ones."Copy !req
208. Right. That idea's safe.Copy !req
209. Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole".Copy !req
210. Good, um, moving on to number two.Copy !req
211. You could do other stuff
that's too dangerous for children.Copy !req
212. Like what?Copy !req
213. You could be used as bait
to catch a paedophile.Copy !req
214. Go on. How would this work?Copy !req
215. You in a little dress,
with bunches in your hair,Copy !req
216. just playing in the woods waiting
for paedophiles to come up to you,Copy !req
217. and molest you.Copy !req
218. Why am I dressed as a little girl?
Why can't I be a boy?Copy !req
219. I don't think
there's any gay paedophiles.Copy !req
220. There's loads of gay paedophiles.Copy !req
221. Also, they won't have done anything
wrong because if a paedophile comes
up to me and offers me some sweets,Copy !req
222. all he's done is give a dwarf
some sweets. That's not illegal.Copy !req
223. What happens if a real kid comes over
and wants to play?Copy !req
224. I'm a grown man dressed as a little
girl playing with a kid in the woods.Copy !req
225. Straight to prison. Next.Copy !req
226. You could hide in places too small
for other people to hide in.Copy !req
227. I don't even know what job that is.Copy !req
228. Forget it.Copy !req
229. It's just, it's not working.Copy !req
230. Just...Copy !req
231. There's nothing come in,
no job offers at all?Copy !req
232. No, nothing really. Oh.Copy !req
233. Oh. Oh, yeah,
Johnny Depp's agent called.Copy !req
234. What?Copy !req
235. Give it...Copy !req
236. You didn't want to mention this?Copy !req
237. 'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's
called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin.Copy !req
238. 'Tim is directing, obviously, it
is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter.Copy !req
239. 'Johnny will be playing
Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf
from the classic fairy tale.' OK.Copy !req
240. 'But you may know Johnny's
a real method actor,Copy !req
241. 'he spends a lot of time
researching his rolesCopy !req
242. 'and he wants to meet
and understand what it's like
to be a little person.'Copy !req
243. Fantastic.
He's made the right decision.Copy !req
244. I totally understand what it's like
to be a little person.Copy !req
245. 'Great! Obviously Johnny
will pay you for your time.Copy !req
246. 'We thought a week's work,
Monday to Friday, £1,000 a day.Copy !req
247. £5,000?Copy !req
248. 'Yeah. Is that OK?'Copy !req
249. Yeah, that's good, yeah.Copy !req
250. 'Are you free from Monday
next week?'Copy !req
251. Er, let's just, er,
just check the old diary.Copy !req
252. Er, it's pretty chocca so, er,
you know, we'll have to
shift a few things around.Copy !req
253. You've got nothing but a back wax.Copy !req
254. Yeah. No, I'm all set. Great.Copy !req
255. 'Great. Johnny will see you at the
Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.'
OK, see you then. Bye.Copy !req
256. 'Bye.' Oh!Copy !req
257. Oh, I can't believe
you're meeting Johnny Depp.Copy !req
258. He is my favourite film star.Copy !req
259. He's one of the handsomest men
on earth, and he's intelligent,Copy !req
260. and brilliant at acting, and rich.Copy !req
261. Probably wouldn't go out with me,
though, would he? Probably not.Copy !req
262. Course, he's married, isn't he?Copy !req
263. He is sadly,
otherwise you'd be straight in there.Copy !req
264. Not bad, is it? Being a muse
to one of the biggest movie stars
of all time.Copy !req
265. I'm not going to tell him
how to say his lines, no.Copy !req
266. I'm not going to tell him
how to play a dwarf.Copy !req
267. I'm going to tell him how
to be a dwarf,Copy !req
268. how to think like a dwarf,
how to feel like a dwarf.Copy !req
269. Then they'll use special effects
to make him small like a dwarf.Copy !req
270. Team effort.Copy !req
271. Hello. Oh, ho-ho, wow!Copy !req
272. That's perfect. OK. It's perfect.
Yeah you just, just move...Copy !req
273. All right? Just go and
do whatever you would normally do.Copy !req
274. Crazy little walk. Where do you sit?Copy !req
275. On like a chair, sofa? Or like,
er, on the floor, cross-legged?Copy !req
276. Can you actually,
can you do cross-legged?Copy !req
277. Not really, I just normally
sit in a chair. Really? Yeah.
Shall we, shall I sit down?Copy !req
278. Yeah, yeah, please, please.Copy !req
279. Wow...! He hopped on the chair.Copy !req
280. It's, it's great. Cool.Copy !req
281. He's kind of like a grub
coming out of an apple,Copy !req
282. seeing the world for the first time.Copy !req
283. All right.Copy !req
284. So may I ask you a question? Mm-hm.
If you were struck by lightning,Copy !req
285. bolt of lightning, bam!Copy !req
286. Right? Yeah. What do you do?Copy !req
287. Dead! Maybe not. OK.Copy !req
288. Can I just see you
out of that chair,Copy !req
289. on that floor?Copy !req
290. Standing here like this? Yeah.Copy !req
291. Just you and me.
Yeah. We're standing here talking.Copy !req
292. Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang,
bam! Ba!Copy !req
293. A bolt of lightning is going to
knock you down. OK.Copy !req
294. Bam! Ah! Oh! Stand up.Copy !req
295. Fucking stand up. That's great.Copy !req
296. Ah! That noise! Yeah. Noise is
fantastic. Let's do the noise again.Copy !req
297. Cool, right.Copy !req
298. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!Copy !req
299. Agh! Aghhhh! That's fantastic!
Oh, God that's great! Yeah, cool.
That's really great.Copy !req
300. It's like a... it's like a
weird baby crow that's been left
by its mother,Copy !req
301. and the little legs started
flailing.Copy !req
302. Did they? And, er... Yeah, they did.
Sorry, I'm just making notes.Copy !req
303. Have you heard of,
erm... Michael Flatley?Copy !req
304. Er, yeah. Yes, hmm.Copy !req
305. The Lord Of The Dance. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
306. Right. Here we go, you and me.
Yeah. What are we going to do?
The Lord Of The Dance.Copy !req
307. Faster.Copy !req
308. Fucking give me passion.Copy !req
309. No, come on!Copy !req
310. That's not Michael Flatley.Copy !req
311. Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.
Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.Copy !req
312. Faster. Faster. More, more!Copy !req
313. So, there's one scene,Copy !req
314. er... that I need to see,Copy !req
315. cos at one pointCopy !req
316. Rumpelstiltskin
climbs up through the sewers...Copy !req
317. Right... to escape the villagers.Copy !req
318. OK. OK? Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
319. How do you want to do that?Copy !req
320. Oh, boy! Oh, boy!Copy !req
321. Oh, God! It's far too much.Copy !req
322. It's an evil toilet dwarf.Copy !req
323. Yeah.Copy !req
324. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! OK.Copy !req
325. Ugh! Ooo-ugh!Copy !req
326. How do you feel?Copy !req
327. Erm, feet are a bit wet,
to be honest.Copy !req
328. So what is a typical day for you?Copy !req
329. Um. I want to see what you do,
I want to see what you do.
How you do it.Copy !req
330. What you do?
Same as you probably, really.Copy !req
331. Um, just
sort of having important meetings,
doing some brilliant acting. Mm.Copy !req
332. Um, hanging out with famous people,
sort of thing.Copy !req
333. Like, who like?Copy !req
334. Other dwarves, like tiny men?Copy !req
335. Sometimes. Er, yeah.
But, I mean, today,Copy !req
336. I'm going to cruise down and meet
a couple of good friends of mine...Copy !req
337. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.Copy !req
338. Ricky Gervais?Copy !req
339. Mm hm.Copy !req
340. Can I come with you?Copy !req
341. Sure, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
342. Good. Let's do it, yeah? Yeah.Copy !req
343. There they are, the lads.Copy !req
344. Hi. Hello, lads.
So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every
other day to see you guys, don't I?Copy !req
345. Seems like it, yeah.
Have you, er, have you met before?
Johnny this is Stephen.Copy !req
346. Hello, pleased to meet you. No.Copy !req
347. And Ricky there. I actually
remember him from the Golden Globes.Copy !req
348. Hi. Yeah. How's it going?Copy !req
349. I'm fine.
Just doing another film that's
going to make loads of money...Copy !req
350. probably a lot more money than
any film you've ever... ahem... made.Copy !req
351. Good.Copy !req
352. And you?Copy !req
353. Er, yeah just, just writing,
I write and direct all my own stuff.Copy !req
354. How great for you.Copy !req
355. That must be so great. I'm working
with a great director - Tim Burton.Copy !req
356. Have you ever heard of him?Copy !req
357. Of course. Yeah.Copy !req
358. And the film itself is really
brilliant and I'm playing
a very interesting character.Copy !req
359. Do you have any idea who my
leading lady is on this film?Copy !req
360. Erm, in the Tim Burton film?
Um, yeah.Copy !req
361. Helena Bonham Carter?Copy !req
362. How d'you know? Stab in the dark.Copy !req
363. She thinks you're an idiot. Sorry,
have I done something to offend you?Copy !req
364. What do you mean, like,Copy !req
365. trashing me in front of 200 million
people at the Golden Globes?Copy !req
366. That was a while ago,
they were jokes, Johnny...Copy !req
367. Oh, they were jokes? Yeah.
You like jokes? Yes.Copy !req
368. Good, cos I got together with
a few pals, after the awards,Copy !req
369. and we wrote some jokes...Copy !req
370. about you.Copy !req
371. And I want you to know this,
I want you to carry this with
you for the rest of your days.Copy !req
372. No-one makes fun of Tim Allen
on my watch...Copy !req
373. and gets away with it.Copy !req
374. Don't say anything, just keep
that in you, OK?Copy !req
375. Here are my jokes.Copy !req
376. What is nastier
than Ricky Gervais's jokes?Copy !req
377. His teeth!Copy !req
378. Why do people instantly dislike
Ricky Gervais?
Because it saves time!Copy !req
379. Ha, ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
380. Why did Ricky Gervais
do a series of audio books?Copy !req
381. So that the blind
could hate him as well.Copy !req
382. Now, this is from Angelina.Copy !req
383. "Tell Ricky Gervais that me
and Brad have a picture
of him on our mantelpiece,Copy !req
384. "because it keeps
the kids away from the fire."Copy !req
385. And why isn't
Ricky Gervais circumcised?Copy !req
386. Because there's no end
to that prick.Copy !req
387. Did you quit Twitter recently?Copy !req
388. Well, about two years ago.Copy !req
389. But you quit Twitter? Yeah.
Right. Yes.Copy !req
390. And did you quit because it only
has 140 characters?Copy !req
391. Well, the joke I made
at the time was I'm so verboseCopy !req
392. that I can't say everything in
140 letters, so...Copy !req
393. Right. Do the joke. What's the joke?Copy !req
394. I hear that Ricky Gervais quit
Twitter recently because it only
has 140 characters.Copy !req
395. Well, that's 139 more charactersCopy !req
396. than he's ever come up with.Copy !req
397. Good joke. The telling of it
took about as long as long asCopy !req
398. Pirates Of The Caribbean 3,
but yeah, it's a good joke.Copy !req
399. You're laughing.Copy !req
400. Well, it's just...Copy !req
401. You fucking laughed. Mm...
What, are you dissing Pirates now?Copy !req
402. No. Really? It's a good movie,
I thought it was...Copy !req
403. Just a bit long though,
which he picked up on.Copy !req
404. People love that movie. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
405. What is wrong with you people?Copy !req
406. Seriously, why do you pick
on movie stars?
What have I done wrong?Copy !req
407. Picking on..
I'm trying to express myself, man,
to help people.Copy !req
408. Sure. Give joy to the masses. Right.Copy !req
409. Is that a crime? Is that a crime?Copy !req
410. Seriously.Copy !req
411. No..Copy !req
412. No.Copy !req
413. No more.Copy !req
414. No more.Copy !req
415. These Hollywood stars are so
touchy, aren't they?Copy !req
416. Tell me about it.Copy !req
417. Well, that's five grand
down the drain!Copy !req
418. Still, I've got that wedding on
Saturday and that's cash in hand.Copy !req
419. Pick yourself up,
dust yourself down, Warwick.Copy !req
420. Onwards and upwards!Copy !req
421. Five grand, though!Copy !req
422. Well, here he is. Hello.
Hi, nice to see you again. Warwick.Copy !req
423. Where's your Ewok outfit? My...?Copy !req
424. Ewok outfit, where is it?Copy !req
425. What do you mean? Well, obviously
we want you dressed as an Ewok.Copy !req
426. What do you mean, obviously?
Why else would we invite you?
For my celebrity status?Copy !req
427. I invite dwarves to my wedding
willy-nilly if they're not bringing
anything to the table.Copy !req
428. You didn't bring the Ewok costume.Copy !req
429. Why would I walk
around with a costume?Copy !req
430. That was for a film.
Why do you actually need me?Copy !req
431. Anyone could walk around
dressed as an Ewok.Copy !req
432. That's not Dave Prowse, and that's
not Anthony Daniels, that's not
Kenny Baker in a dustbin there.Copy !req
433. Yeah, it is actually. Is it?Copy !req
434. Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick.Copy !req
435. My future wife is expecting to see
an Ewok at her wedding.Copy !req
436. You want me to,
magic up an Ewok costume?Copy !req
437. Could get like a bear outfit...Copy !req
438. Ewoks aren't bears.
Could someone pop to Hamley's for
a big toy bear and put him in it?Copy !req
439. What am I? A pair of pyjamas?Copy !req
440. I've got a big toy bear my brother
won at the fair. I could get that.Copy !req
441. Would you mind?
No, I don't want it, it stinks,
the dog humps it all the time.Copy !req
442. Great, yes, get the stinky bear.
Excuse me, I'm still here, you know.Copy !req
443. And, finally, just like to say
a few words aboutCopy !req
444. Emma's grandmother, Vera, who
sadly passed away very recently.Copy !req
445. We're certain that she's looking
down on us today wishing them
all the love in the world,Copy !req
446. so please raise your glasses
as we toast the bride and...Copy !req
447. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hang on a minute, hang on.Copy !req
448. Let's not go out on a dead gran,
let's have a bit of a laugh here.Copy !req
449. Um, here we go, just, er, hop up.Copy !req
450. Oh! Thank you very much.
I will take that.Copy !req
451. I'd just like to say a few words.
Let's end on a high...Copy !req
452. That's a good effort but a bit
depressing for a wedding.Copy !req
453. I'm Warwick and I'm the other
best man and I'm going to keep
this speech short, like myself!Copy !req
454. The groom is not just a huge
fan of mine but he's also a hugeCopy !req
455. a cricket fan and I know he's
been waiting to find out
the Test results.Copy !req
456. It's all right, mate,
they're negative!Copy !req
457. And there's only one thing that's
hit more ballsCopy !req
458. than Ian Botham's bat,
and that's Emma's chin!Copy !req
459. Traditionally, the best man's speech
is when you make the groom feel
uncomfortable for five minutes.Copy !req
460. Which is exactly what Nigel does
to Emma in bed.Copy !req
461. I mean, he makes her feel
uncomfortable as he's not very good
in bed.Copy !req
462. Not cos he's making her do something
she doesn't want to do,Copy !req
463. like forcing her to do anal.Copy !req
464. OK.Copy !req
465. Um, er, and looking around
the room you know I can seeCopy !req
466. you're thinking if I'm the best man,
why is Nigel marrying Emma?Copy !req
467. Cos I didn't get her pregnant.Copy !req
468. What's, what's the matter
with her, what...?Copy !req
469. She can't have kids. What?Copy !req
470. She can't have children.Copy !req
471. There's no way I could
have known she's barren.Copy !req
472. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
473. It's ridiculous,
you've got to chill out, honestly.Copy !req
474. You don't know how lucky
you are to have me here.Copy !req
475. Twat!Copy !req
476. Big laughs and thanks for that.Copy !req
477. So...Copy !req
478. Emma's gran.Copy !req
479. Emma's gran.Copy !req
480. Emma's gran.Copy !req
481. She needs a drink!Copy !req
482. 'What a week!Copy !req
483. 'It started off so well.'Copy !req
484. Star of a convention,
didn't make any money.Copy !req
485. Then Johnny Depp comes along,
supposed to get five grand,
I blow that.Copy !req
486. And then get paid to come
to a wedding - blew that.Copy !req
487. What am I doing?Copy !req
488. Sometimes I seriously think
I should just give up this lark
and get a proper job.Copy !req
489. What could you do instead?Copy !req
490. There's the rub.Copy !req
491. You're stealing the best roles
for yourself.Copy !req
492. It's really hard to act opposite
this, given the way it looks.Copy !req
493. I just said, first off
get a bra that fits...Copy !req
494. She's weak minded and vulnerable
and easily persuaded.Copy !req
495. That's how he got her, yes.Copy !req
496. He's more your run-of-the-mill
kind of chap.Copy !req
497. What's all this?
We want to talk to you.Copy !req
498. I can't have its face staring at me.
It?Copy !req
499. Can we lose the face?Copy !req
500. Right, that's one
for Great Ormond Street.Copy !req
501. Signed DVDs of The Office,
only £30. Signed by Ricky Gervais.Copy !req
502. And then Save the Children
and that one's Help The Aged.Copy !req
503. Thanks for doing this, Rick.Copy !req
504. It's amazing how much they'll raise.Copy !req
505. Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning.
Excellent, just dump it there.Copy !req
506. Yeah, we've got coffee,
and we have sandwiches.Copy !req
507. Cheers. Oh, Shaun, I was going
to ask you, for a quote for
the office.Copy !req
508. Ooh, the most important sitcom
of a generation.Copy !req
509. Er cheers. No, um...Copy !req
510. I meant a quote to paint the office.Copy !req
511. Three hundred?Copy !req
512. That's cheap. It is, yeah.Copy !req
513. Four. Well, you said three just now.Copy !req
514. I... Yeah, I'll give you four.Copy !req
515. Cheers. It's your money.Copy !req
516. It's still cheap, innit?Copy !req
517. It is, yeah.Copy !req