1. My name is Warwick Davis.Copy !req
2. I'm the UK's go-to dwarf.Copy !req
3. I'm an actor. You will have seen me
in the Harry Potter films,Copy !req
4. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,Copy !req
5. Return of the Jedi.Copy !req
6. Yup-yup!Copy !req
7. That's Wicket the Ewok,
my first ever character.Copy !req
8. I'm still very good friends
with George Lucas,Copy !req
9. who created the Star Wars films,Copy !req
10. though if I've got one criticism
of George, he missed a trick.Copy !req
11. Why did he disguise my face?Copy !req
12. If you're paying good money
for the actor Warwick Davis,Copy !req
13. then let the people see
the actor Warwick Davis.Copy !req
14. George realised
the error of his waysCopy !req
15. because he went on
to cast me in Willow there.Copy !req
16. That film cost,
I think it's 40 million,Copy !req
17. and has... has made a lot
of that back, since.Copy !req
18. Hello? Dwarves For Hire.
Warwick Davis speaking.Copy !req
19. 'I am not only an actor.'Copy !req
20. Yep. Just get a booking form.Copy !req
21. 'I'm also an agent.'Copy !req
22. I represent other dwarves.Copy !req
23. You know, I've had huge success,Copy !req
24. and this is my chance to pay that
forward and help them get work.Copy !req
25. The director's furious.
He wants to fire you.Copy !req
26. Not my fault I don't know the song.
You're a dwarf,
how can you not know "Hi-Ho"?Copy !req
27. Something about whistling? Whistle
While You Work? Never heard it.Copy !req
28. How is this possible? I don't know.Copy !req
29. That's one of my clients there.Copy !req
30. So if you need anybody,
I've got all sorts.Copy !req
31. Got that sort of look.Copy !req
32. That one. One that looks like that.Copy !req
33. Someone who looks like that,Copy !req
34. you know, with a hat on.
Some with long hair.Copy !req
35. All sorts of different ones.Copy !req
36. I mean, they're all about that high,Copy !req
37. but they've sort of got different...Copy !req
38. fat, thin, you know,
whatever you want,Copy !req
39. I can provide.Copy !req
40. Why am I doing this documentary?Copy !req
41. Because normally
you see a dwarf on TV,Copy !req
42. and he's dancing around,
making a fool of himself.Copy !req
43. I want people to see
a sophisticated dwarf about townCopy !req
44. who carries himself with dignity.Copy !req
45. I'm a role model.Copy !req
46. I'm a bit like Martin Luther King.Copy !req
47. Because I too have a dreamCopy !req
48. that one day dwarves
will be treated equally,Copy !req
49. and they will walk proud, hand
in hand with the rest of mankind.Copy !req
50. You say, "No, Warwick,
it's not the same.Copy !req
51. The dwarf wasn't taken forcibly
from his homelandCopy !req
52. and enslaved and whipped
and forced to change his name."Copy !req
53. No, maybe not.Copy !req
54. But then, I've never seen a black
man fired from a cannon...Copy !req
55. every day for a whole season
and twice on Saturdays.Copy !req
56. There we go. Come in.Copy !req
57. The old homestead.Copy !req
58. Yeah.Copy !req
59. Oh. Don't worry, they're not mine!Copy !req
60. Who's this handsome devil?Copy !req
61. Nice suit there.Copy !req
62. That's me and my wife Sue
on our wedding day.Copy !req
63. Sue's looking lovely there.Copy !req
64. The dress she's wearing
belonged to her mother.Copy !req
65. Her mother had sadly passed over,Copy !req
66. so it was our way of having her
at the wedding, which was nice.Copy !req
67. Sue had to lose a lot of weight
to get it on.Copy !req
68. Not as much as I'd have liked,Copy !req
69. but enough to squeeze into
her dead mum's dress.Copy !req
70. This is my kitchen.
Cooker, sink, usual.Copy !req
71. I was going to get all this loweredCopy !req
72. but Sue enjoys doing the cooking, so
I thought I'd leave it. Erm, good.Copy !req
73. Here we are, look,
this is Chewbacca. Hey, Chewie!Copy !req
74. Good boy, ho-ho!Copy !req
75. Oh, bit camera-shy.Copy !req
76. Oh, here she is.Copy !req
77. Sue Davis. Mrs Sue Davis,
the old ball and chain.Copy !req
78. Hiya. Hello. You all right?Copy !req
79. I'm fine, thank you.
Nice to see you.Copy !req
80. What are you doing here, Warwick?
I just popped round to say hi.Copy !req
81. You know you're not supposed
to be here. You moved out.Copy !req
82. We're separated. No, not really.
Oh, we are. Temporarily.Copy !req
83. You can't keep running that round.Copy !req
84. You were the one that walked out.
No, not really. Yes, you did.Copy !req
85. I didn't walk out. I was back
and forth to Hollywood so much,Copy !req
86. it wasn't fair on you. You weren't
back and forth to Hollywood.Copy !req
87. Yes. No, you weren't.
The phone hasn't rung for years.Copy !req
88. But if it started ringing,Copy !req
89. if George Lucas rang and said
we're doing another Star WarsCopy !req
90. I had to be ready to go, on a plane,
whoosh, here I come!Copy !req
91. If that had happened,
I could have come with you.Copy !req
92. No, cos George Lucas isn't stupid,
doesn't throw his money around.Copy !req
93. "Why do you need two tickets?
You're only three foot six!"Copy !req
94. Tell you what happened. Oh, what?Copy !req
95. He thought... Here we go,
what did I think. Mystic Meg here!Copy !req
96. What he thought was... Yeah, yeah.
He thought he could do better.Copy !req
97. He thought he could trade me in
for a taller, more beautiful model,Copy !req
98. but he couldn't. No, I could,
I didn't want to. No, you couldn't.Copy !req
99. I could! Just didn't want to,
cos I'm, you know, faithful.Copy !req
100. Now he's back with his tail
between his legs. It's too late.Copy !req
101. Doesn't have to be. It's over.Copy !req
102. I've moved on.
You haven't bloody moved on.
You're still in a house that I own,Copy !req
103. so I might as well move back in.Copy !req
104. Know what you need to do, Warwick?Copy !req
105. Get your stuff and move out,
because we're separated.Copy !req
106. We are getting divorced.Copy !req
107. I don't know what part of that
you don't understand.Copy !req
108. All right, calm down. Showing off.Copy !req
109. So.Copy !req
110. 'I know you're thinking.
"Warwick, why did you marry
beneath yourself?" 'Copy !req
111. Why would a film star marry herCopy !req
112. when he could have leggy blondes
or Page Three girls?Copy !req
113. Didn't want to.Copy !req
114. If I'm walking down the street
with a stunner on my arm,Copy !req
115. everyone's going, "Oh, he's got
the sexy bird cos he's a film star."Copy !req
116. Right? So I went for a chick
who... hasn't got it all out on show.Copy !req
117. Yeah, she's not going to be
in FHM magazine,Copy !req
118. she's not going to win any
Rear of the Year awardsCopy !req
119. or turn heads at an awards do,
or a showbiz party,Copy !req
120. or in the supermarket,
but she's reliable.Copy !req
121. She won't run to the papers,Copy !req
122. "Know what Warwick likes sexually?
He likes..."Copy !req
123. It doesn't matter
what Warwick likes sexually,Copy !req
124. whatever it is, she won't
write about it in her memoirs.Copy !req
125. Not that anyone'd ask her
for her memoirs,Copy !req
126. cos she's a nobody,
as I said before.Copy !req
127. Can't reach!Copy !req
128. Oh, excuse me.
Sorry, sir, excuse me.Copy !req
129. Could you press that top buzzer,
please?Copy !req
130. It's the top one there.Copy !req
131. This one? Yep.Copy !req
132. Thanks.Copy !req
133. 'Hello?'Copy !req
134. It's Warwick.Copy !req
135. 'Hello?'Copy !req
136. It's Warwick.Copy !req
137. 'There's no-one there.'Copy !req
138. Can't hear me!Copy !req
139. Excuse me.Copy !req
140. Could you say into that intercom,
"It's Warwick Davis."Copy !req
141. Why? Because it is.Copy !req
142. No, it's not.
No, you're not, I am. I just...Copy !req
143. Then why am I saying it?Copy !req
144. Cos when they answer they can't
hear me. Why can't you shout it?Copy !req
145. Can't stand in the street
shouting, "It's Warwick Davis."Copy !req
146. Why not? I'm a famous actor,
I've been in films.Copy !req
147. I never heard of you.
Haven't you? No.Copy !req
148. If I heard someone shout,
"It's Warwick Davis!"Copy !req
149. I'd be like, "Who's Warwick Davis?"Copy !req
150. I am. Yeah, I know that now.Copy !req
151. All right, let me tell you this.Copy !req
152. If I start shouting, "It's Warwick
Davis", it'll cause quite a stir.Copy !req
153. Right. There'll be people wanting
autographs, so let's... Bruv,Copy !req
154. I'll get real.
Let me break it down for you.Copy !req
155. No-one knows you.Copy !req
156. If you were to say your name
was like, Verne Troyer,Copy !req
157. I'd be like, "Boom, Mini-Me,
Austin Powers, sex tape."Copy !req
158. That guy's big in the game,
you know. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
159. You've done none of those things.Copy !req
160. I've never seen you bruv.
What films you been in?Copy !req
161. Have you seen Return Of The Jedi?Copy !req
162. Who was you in that? I was an Ewok.Copy !req
163. Those little bears? They're not
bears. Bruv, they're little bears.Copy !req
164. Right. Have you seen Willow? No.Copy !req
165. Look, just press the buzzer, please.Copy !req
166. Thank you.Copy !req
167. Top one there.Copy !req
168. 'Hello?'Copy !req
169. Yo. Warren Davis.Copy !req
170. Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis.Copy !req
171. 'Oh... OK... come up.'Copy !req
172. Is that Ricky Gervais?Copy !req
173. Oh, you recognise him?Copy !req
174. That's got issues.
You're welcome, bruv.Copy !req
175. Chief!Copy !req
176. Here we are.Copy !req
177. Look at that.Copy !req
178. Comedy legends there, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant. Hmm.Copy !req
179. We're all mates, aren't we?
Always popping round for a chat.Copy !req
180. You are always popping round, yeah.Copy !req
181. I thought we made the buzzer
high enough, but...Copy !req
182. I got a passer-by to press it.
Passer-by? Damn!Copy !req
183. We didn't think of everything.
Hmm.Copy !req
184. Yeah, always nice to see you.Copy !req
185. Yeah, it is, it's... it's good.Copy !req
186. What do you need, cos we're a bit
conscious of... Oh, I don't know,Copy !req
187. just... just a chat really.Copy !req
188. Oh! OK. You know, I was...Copy !req
189. 'You've got to be resilient
in this business.Copy !req
190. 'When the phone won't stop ringing
you can be choosy,Copy !req
191. 'but when it's not ringing,Copy !req
192. 'then... it's at times like this'Copy !req
193. when you find out who your friends
are, and you call in a few favours.Copy !req
194. 'I'm good friends with
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
When you're friendsCopy !req
195. 'with writers, directors, producers,Copy !req
196. 'then what's wrong with saying,
"All right, chaps, what's going on?'Copy !req
197. "Have you got any work for me?"Copy !req
198. I don't know where to turn, to be
honest. There's no work coming inCopy !req
199. at the minute. I just... OK.Copy !req
200. Are you doing any more Extras?Copy !req
201. I mean maybe we could... No.Copy !req
202. What else are you working on at
the minute? Just other TV and film.Copy !req
203. OK. And, you know...Copy !req
204. Any actors required, perhaps?Copy !req
205. Actors?Copy !req
206. Do you need actors?Copy !req
207. We will need actors for the,
um, at some point.Copy !req
208. But not necessarily... Not...Copy !req
209. Not..?Copy !req
210. If we do, though, we would like...Copy !req
211. Yeah, cos you were brilliant
in The Office. Extras.Copy !req
212. Extras. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
213. We did have someone like that
in The Office, though?Copy !req
214. Wheelchair. We had a wheelchair one.Copy !req
215. Same ballpark. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
216. But, um... no. OK, well,Copy !req
217. remember me when you're writing.Copy !req
218. Definitely. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
219. Oh, yeah, you know I mentionedCopy !req
220. things weren't so good
between myself and my wife?Copy !req
221. Well, recently, it took a turn
for the worse, I'm afraid.Copy !req
222. She's going through with a divorce.
I don't know what went wrong.Copy !req
223. Always delivered in the bedroom
department, I think, you know?Copy !req
224. Um...Copy !req
225. No, it's... You know,Copy !req
226. several times a week,Copy !req
227. which is unusual, I think,Copy !req
228. this far into a marriage.
What was it? Ten years almost, yeah.Copy !req
229. But um, always had a good go.Copy !req
230. Ah. That's...Copy !req
231. that's the main thing, innit?Copy !req
232. I want to tell you this, Ricky,Copy !req
233. I always took care of her needs
before I moved on to mine.Copy !req
234. I could tell you
some of the things we did.Copy !req
235. No! No point.Copy !req
236. It's just... it's, um...Copy !req
237. No, I could take your word for it.Copy !req
238. All a bit sad really.Copy !req
239. Yeah.Copy !req
240. Right, um,Copy !req
241. good to see you chaps. It is!
Always nice to see you. Cheers.Copy !req
242. Thanks for coming. See you soon. OK.Copy !req
243. Oh, yeah, just one more thing.
Go on.Copy !req
244. Just getting back to
the divorce situation, I wondered,Copy !req
245. have you got any advice?Copy !req
246. Um, well,Copy !req
247. my advice would be, ask SteveCopy !req
248. cos he's great
at that sort of... thing.Copy !req
249. About what?Copy !req
250. Just the divorce.Copy !req
251. The divorce thing. You know, it's all
new to me so I don't know what to...Copy !req
252. My advice would probably be
just to, um,Copy !req
253. do whatever you think is the right
thing to do in this situation.Copy !req
254. What good advice that is.Copy !req
255. Do whatever? Yeah.Copy !req
256. You agree with that, yeah?Copy !req
257. If Steve says so, yeah.Copy !req
258. Just do whatever. OK, yeah.Copy !req
259. All right, chaps. Cheers.
Are you definitely off? See you. Bye.Copy !req
260. Do whatever!Copy !req
261. What do I know? I didn't even
realise he was married. Oh, God!Copy !req
262. Erm... well, that went well.Copy !req
263. It's always good to get
their perspective on things,Copy !req
264. and, you know, now I'm
in their minds for any future...Copy !req
265. Shaun!Copy !req
266. Shaun Williamson, from Extras.Copy !req
267. Hello.
What are you doing here, then?Copy !req
268. Oh, just seeing the boys
about a few things.Copy !req
269. So they are doing more Extras?Copy !req
270. I don't know, I'm just
returning their dry cleaning. Oh.Copy !req
271. Doing a few errands for 'em,
you know? Yeah.Copy !req
272. It's all cash and just,
you know, it keeps me busy,Copy !req
273. gets me out the house, so, um...Copy !req
274. Work's dried up a bit since Extras,
to be honest. Yeah, same here.Copy !req
275. What is this, then?Copy !req
276. Documentary.Copy !req
277. What, about...? About me, yeah.Copy !req
278. That's good exposure for you.
That's what I thought,Copy !req
279. it's all good.Copy !req
280. See you later.
Yeah, see you later, yeah.Copy !req
281. 'Hello?'Copy !req
282. Right, what was I saying?Copy !req
283. 'Oh, hi, come up.'Copy !req
284. Yeah, now I'm in their minds
for any future work and stuff,Copy !req
285. cos they're always writing and er,
and producing stuff,Copy !req
286. so they're the people to know.Copy !req
287. Cheryl Wilkins. That's you.Copy !req
288. Bit of background on me
before we start.Copy !req
289. I'm an entrepreneur,Copy !req
290. and hoping to expand
my operation here.Copy !req
291. That's partly why I need new staff.Copy !req
292. Also, my wife used to work hereCopy !req
293. but she's currently going through
a divorce situationCopy !req
294. with me,Copy !req
295. so um, so I need a new secretary,Copy !req
296. which could be you.Copy !req
297. I'm looking at your CV, and I seeCopy !req
298. not a lot of experience.Copy !req
299. No. That will mean
I can't pay you a lot initially.Copy !req
300. That's fine. Mum just wants me
out the house.Copy !req
301. I can live rent-free if I don't
come home till six at night.Copy !req
302. Right.Copy !req
303. What are your interests? You know,
tell me a bit about Cheryl.Copy !req
304. Do you have a pet? I've got two pets
that are related to each other.Copy !req
305. They're dogs. Ah!Copy !req
306. But we sort of call themCopy !req
307. different things, like,Copy !req
308. they've got names.Copy !req
309. Oh, yeah, obviously, they're dogs,Copy !req
310. and you've given them names,Copy !req
311. which is not unusual, I don't think
you'll find. It's just...Copy !req
312. OK, what are your hopes
for the future?Copy !req
313. Sales and marketing.Copy !req
314. And that's it? That's your dream?Copy !req
315. No. My dream is to sort of establishCopy !req
316. that people that go to the moon
are actually going to the moonCopy !req
317. and they're not just pretending.Copy !req
318. I've got a few more people to see.Copy !req
319. Actually there's no-one else to see.
You're hired.Copy !req
320. Yeah, we do have people
that can do leprechauns.Copy !req
321. How many do you want?Copy !req
322. 'Being restricted in height does not
make you restricted in talent.'Copy !req
323. I wouldn't go for seven, cos seven
tends to make people think dwarves.Copy !req
324. If they're meant to be leprechauns
I'd go with six or eight.Copy !req
325. There's loads of little people
with immense talent,Copy !req
326. and that's what I'm trying
to show the world.Copy !req
327. Can I be honest?Copy !req
328. Um... awful, obviously.Copy !req
329. That's the least of our worries.Copy !req
330. A lot of boxes ticked.
We've got dwarves,Copy !req
331. blacking up, and you know,Copy !req
332. I may be wrong but I don't think
you can do that any more.Copy !req
333. Maybe in the North.
So, we've got dwarves,Copy !req
334. blacking up, singing "Ebony and
Ivory". It's a very mixed message.Copy !req
335. And I'm a lesbian.Copy !req
336. I didn't even know
one of you was a girl.Copy !req
337. So, here we are at the offices
of my accountant. Yep.Copy !req
338. Eric. Biddle. Mr Biddle.Copy !req
339. Yeah, he's not only my accountant,
he's a friend.Copy !req
340. Yeah, we go way back, don't we?Copy !req
341. Um... Long way, yeah.
Years and years, isn't it?Copy !req
342. It smells a bit iffy in here today.Copy !req
343. It's like something rotting. You
know that smell of... Is it that?Copy !req
344. Oh! What is it?Copy !req
345. It's a chicken. I had it for lunch.Copy !req
346. When? About a week ago.Copy !req
347. Then empty the bloody bin!Copy !req
348. It's not my job to empty the bins.Copy !req
349. I'm an accountant,
not a bloody cleaner.Copy !req
350. Right.Copy !req
351. Have you spoken to the Inland
Revenue? What's the latest?Copy !req
352. Yes. They are not pressing charges.Copy !req
353. They don't think it's fraud.
I've told them you didn't know
what you were doing.Copy !req
354. It's you who didn't know what
he was doing. You're my accountant.Copy !req
355. You're supposed to tell me
if I owe tax. Yeah, I know, but...Copy !req
356. The original figure they said I owed
was 250,000. Where are we now?Copy !req
357. Well, I was cheeky, I said,
"he won't do it again,"Copy !req
358. there was a bit of back and forth,Copy !req
359. and the figure I arrived at
was £50,000.Copy !req
360. £50,000? That's great!Copy !req
361. Wait, no. They said no to that.Copy !req
362. A very definite no.Copy !req
363. So what was the figure
you agreed on?Copy !req
364. £250,000.Copy !req
365. That's what they wanted to start
with! Yes, but...Copy !req
366. That's not negotiating!
You just agreed with them!Copy !req
367. But the tax people
know what they're talking about.Copy !req
368. They understand your accounts
better than me.Copy !req
369. I'm not going to argue with them.Copy !req
370. You're supposed to argue!
And piss off the Inland Revenue?Copy !req
371. I've got other clients to think of,
better clients.Copy !req
372. I don't want them tarred
by your bloody mistakes.Copy !req
373. That you made. Yeah, exactly!Copy !req
374. 'I've known Eric
for about 25 years now.'Copy !req
375. He wanted to be a top accountant.
I wanted to be a Hollywood star.Copy !req
376. I have to earn £250,000 by January?Copy !req
377. More actually,Copy !req
378. cos you have to pay 40% tax
on what you earn, so...Copy !req
379. I never realised, back then, what
a poor accountant he would become.Copy !req
380. Hang on, I'm confused, sorry.Copy !req
381. Am I being thick? No, no,
it is confusing,Copy !req
382. tax, percentages and everything,Copy !req
383. I always get stuff wrong.
I get letters!Copy !req
384. And the smell makes it hard
to concentrate, to be honest.Copy !req
385. He really is shit at it.Copy !req
386. How much do I need to earn?Copy !req
387. Let's have a look. 250,000Copy !req
388. times...Copy !req
389. Oop! Er, times...Copy !req
390. Does this do percentages?Copy !req
391. It should do. Where is it?
Ah, there.Copy !req
392. Now, do I press times percentage?Copy !req
393. 'If he wasn't a mate, I'd have
fired him 24 years ago, but...'Copy !req
394. 250,000...Copy !req
395. 'He is a mate,
and I can't fire him.'Copy !req
396. Is 0.4 the same? Isn't that
like saying 40% of something?Copy !req
397. 'In fact, he's more like a stray dog
than a mate'Copy !req
398. cos I've been feeding him
for so long,Copy !req
399. you know, I can't stop now,Copy !req
400. cos if I do,
I know he'll just sit outsideCopy !req
401. waiting, and... and starve to death.Copy !req
402. Pounds.Copy !req
403. Then pay the tax on that.Copy !req
404. Um... pay off the 250 grand,Copy !req
405. and you'll be left with... £20,000.Copy !req
406. I'd have 20 grand?
I can live on that,Copy !req
407. that's not so bad... Hang on.Copy !req
408. Didn't higher rate tax go up
from 40% to 50% in the UK recently?Copy !req
409. Gee, ohh...Copy !req
410. Ohhh...Copy !req
411. Wuh-wuh-buh-buh-buh...Copy !req
412. Can I ask you something, Warwick?Copy !req
413. How do you keep
getting into this office?Copy !req
414. 'The great thing about being friends
with influential peopleCopy !req
415. 'is that through them, you get
to meet other influential people.'Copy !req
416. I mean if either of you,
or both, could come along,Copy !req
417. it'd really help. I can't...Copy !req
418. 'That's how this business operates.
It's all about networking.'Copy !req
419. You'd enjoy it.
I wouldn't, trust me.Copy !req
420. Warwick, you've got to go.Copy !req
421. Hello? 'It's Liam Neeson.'Copy !req
422. Come in. I've worked with him. OK,
but you've got to go. Sorry, guys.Copy !req
423. I could just...Copy !req
424. There is he. Hello!Copy !req
425. Hi. That's Warwick, he's just going.Copy !req
426. Hiya. We worked together
on Star Wars, Phantom Menace.Copy !req
427. Oh yeah? We had a scene together.Copy !req
428. It was cut, though. Remember? OK.Copy !req
429. Thanks for seeing me.Copy !req
430. I'm here because
I'm thinking of, uh,Copy !req
431. I'm thinking of doing some comedy.Copy !req
432. Oh, right like a comedy movie?Copy !req
433. No, on stage.Copy !req
434. Stand-up comedy,
live comedy of some kind.Copy !req
435. Wow!Copy !req
436. I'm a funny guy - aren't I?Copy !req
437. I'm funny, right?Copy !req
438. Yeah.Copy !req
439. Definitely.Copy !req
440. Here's some of the stuff
I'd like to work on.Copy !req
441. Improv, stand-up comedy,Copy !req
442. funny monologues,Copy !req
443. crazy characters, sketches,Copy !req
444. slapstick, anecdotes, parody, yeah?Copy !req
445. Yeah.Copy !req
446. You notice this list, huh?
I'm always making lists.Copy !req
447. Oh, right.Copy !req
448. In fact, that's probably why
Steven Spielberg cast meCopy !req
449. as Oskar Schindler
in Schindler's List.Copy !req
450. I said, "Steven,
I make lists all the time."Copy !req
451. And he said, "That's
exactly what I'm looking for."Copy !req
452. What? What's funny?Copy !req
453. Sorry, I thought you were jokingCopy !req
454. about being cast as Schindler
cos you made lists.Copy !req
455. No.Copy !req
456. As an actor,
you need stuff to draw on,Copy !req
457. and I drew on that.Copy !req
458. OK. Wow.Copy !req
459. OK, let's do some
improvisational comedy.Copy !req
460. I can't now, Liam. It's a bad time...Copy !req
461. Let's do some
improvisational comedy, now.Copy !req
462. OK...Copy !req
463. Give us a scenario, Warwick.Copy !req
464. Um, right, OK, er...Copy !req
465. You're a hypochondriac
and Ricky's a doctor.Copy !req
466. Excellent.Copy !req
467. OK.Copy !req
468. Knock knock. Come in.Copy !req
469. Hello. Oh no, not you again!Copy !req
470. I've never been here before.Copy !req
471. Sorry, I thought...Copy !req
472. as you're a hypochondriac, you'd
have been to the doctor before.Copy !req
473. Don't presume. That's a backstory
we didn't agree on beforehand.Copy !req
474. No, I know,Copy !req
475. but that's improv, you go
with the flow. I don't take notes.Copy !req
476. OK.Copy !req
477. Can we go again, because
you ruined that? Sorry.Copy !req
478. Knock knock. Come in.Copy !req
479. Hi. Hi, how's it going?
What seems to be the problem?Copy !req
480. I've contracted AIDS.Copy !req
481. How did you get that?
From an African prostitute.Copy !req
482. I'm... I'm riddled with it.Copy !req
483. The prostitute's from
an African country that's,Copy !req
484. that's ravaged by starvation, so...Copy !req
485. so selling her body was the only
financial recourse she had left.Copy !req
486. Do you mind if I interject? Go on.Copy !req
487. I think it's getting quite heavy,
this sketch,Copy !req
488. and I just wonder if perhaps,
just for the sake of comedy,Copy !req
489. you might not want to have
contracted AIDsCopy !req
490. from an African prostitute. Just...Copy !req
491. OK.Copy !req
492. All right.Copy !req
493. Knock knock.Copy !req
494. Come in.Copy !req
495. Hi. Hi,
what seems to be the problem?Copy !req
496. As I said before,
I've got full-blown AIDS. Right.Copy !req
497. Do you want to know how I got it?
Sure.Copy !req
498. From a well known homosexual actor.Copy !req
499. Wow. OK.Copy !req
500. It was.Copy !req
501. I wouldn't say the name, cos of...Copy !req
502. I got it from an unspecific actor.Copy !req
503. Does he know he has AIDS?
Who,Copy !req
504. Again, sorry, I just wouldn't
name them. And also, I just thinkCopy !req
505. AIDS is, as I've said before, just
a really heavy subject for comedy.Copy !req
506. Ah. OK.Copy !req
507. Hmm.Copy !req
508. I could have bowel cancer.Copy !req
509. Yeah,Copy !req
510. cancer though, and AIDS, and famine,Copy !req
511. aren't really subjects for comedy.
How does he get away with it, then?Copy !req
512. We don't know.Copy !req
513. We shouldn't have a doctor
in the sketchCopy !req
514. if I can't talk about AIDS. OK.Copy !req
515. Any suggestions?Copy !req
516. Oh, um... you're a greengrocerCopy !req
517. and Ricky comes in to complain.Copy !req
518. I've played Rob Roy MacGregor,
Michael Collins, Oskar Schindler,Copy !req
519. Zeus, for God's sake.Copy !req
520. No-one will believe me as a grocer.
Change your accent.Copy !req
521. Lots of actors do it. He doesn't.
How does he get away with it?Copy !req
522. Again, we don't know.Copy !req
523. Let's just do our own accents
and get this done, shall we?Copy !req
524. OK, greengrocer.Copy !req
525. Tring!Copy !req
526. We're closed.Copy !req
527. I think the shop has to be open
for us to do the sketch. OK. Sorry.Copy !req
528. Tring!Copy !req
529. Yes?Copy !req
530. Um, I'd like to make a complaint.Copy !req
531. I bought some fruit yesterday. When
I got home, some of it was rotten.Copy !req
532. That's not my fault.Copy !req
533. Well, it's your shop and it was sold
on your premises, so...Copy !req
534. Uh-uh. I wasn't here.Copy !req
535. Doesn't matter, you've got to...
I was at the doctor's. OK.Copy !req
536. I've got AIDS.
Thought you might have.Copy !req
537. Yep, that's it, that's really good.Copy !req
538. Yeah. You're going to storm it, boy.Copy !req
539. OK, brilliant,
good luck with that. Well done.Copy !req
540. Don't forget your little list. Yeah.Copy !req
541. You're off as well,
aren't you, Warwick?Copy !req
542. Oh, yeah, yeah. OK, see you guys.Copy !req
543. OK. All right. Cheers.Copy !req
544. Everything that happens,
happens for a reason.Copy !req
545. Some things are sent to test you.Copy !req
546. I'm not the sort of bloke
who lives in the past, who goes,Copy !req
547. "Oh, I wish it was still the 1980s,
those were the glory days.Copy !req
548. I was doing Willow, Return of
the Jedi, work was rolling in."Copy !req
549. I'm not like that.Copy !req
550. I'm going to list all the positives.Copy !req
551. I'm not destitute,Copy !req
552. not a drug addict,Copy !req
553. not riddled with AIDS.Copy !req
554. And there was a chance
of catching that in the '80S,Copy !req
555. from a woman.Copy !req
556. Right? If I'd caught it from anyone
it would have been a woman.Copy !req
557. But, to be honest, I wasn't
really shagging in the '80s.Copy !req
558. In the '90sCopy !req
559. I dipped my wick a few times,Copy !req
560. so watch this space.Copy !req
561. Plenty more wick dipping to come.Copy !req
562. In women. Just want
to make that totally clear.Copy !req
563. I'm not a homosexual.Copy !req
564. So, where are you staying?Copy !req
565. Just probably a guest house.Copy !req
566. You got everything?Copy !req
567. Yeah. You got your special shampoo?Copy !req
568. Yes.Copy !req
569. Don't worry,
it's almost cleared up anyway.Copy !req
570. So, yeah.Copy !req
571. OK, well, bye.Copy !req
572. See you. See you.Copy !req
573. Lovely day.Copy !req
574. Do you want to go
into the toilet with me?Copy !req
575. You getting all this? Fuck off!Copy !req
576. Would you be guest of honour
at our wedding?Copy !req
577. Do you believe in aliens?Copy !req
578. Be grateful the phone doesn't ring.
It might be Sting.Copy !req
579. His real name's Gordon!Copy !req
580. You're a disgusting little creature
and I want to squash you.Copy !req
581. He can't afford a solicitor.
I'm his accountant!Copy !req
582. Give me a kiss.Copy !req
583. Hmm...Copy !req
584. She's changed the locks!Copy !req
585. She's changed the back door too.Copy !req
586. What were you thinking?Copy !req
587. I was thinking,
I put over £400,000 into this houseCopy !req
588. and, er, the dog, bless it,Copy !req
589. has contributed very little
to the mortgage, yetCopy !req
590. it can come and go as it pleases.Copy !req
591. And I thought,
I'll have a bit of that.Copy !req