1. My name is Warwick Davis.Copy !req
2. I'm the UK's go-to dwarf.Copy !req
3. I'm an actor. You will have seen me
in the Harry Potter films,Copy !req
4. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,Copy !req
5. Return of the Jedi.Copy !req
6. Yup-yup!Copy !req
7. That's Wicket the Ewok,
my first ever character.Copy !req
8. I'm still very good friends
with George Lucas,Copy !req
9. who created the Star Wars films,Copy !req
10. though if I've got one criticism
of George, he missed a trick.Copy !req
11. Why did he disguise my face?Copy !req
12. If you're paying good money
for the actor Warwick Davis,Copy !req
13. then let the people see
the actor Warwick Davis.Copy !req
14. George realised
the error of his waysCopy !req
15. because he went on
to cast me in Willow there.Copy !req
16. That film cost,
I think it's 40 million,Copy !req
17. and has... has made a lot
of that back, since.Copy !req
18. Hello? Dwarves For Hire.
Warwick Davis speaking.Copy !req
19. 'I am not only an actor.'Copy !req
20. Yep. Just get a booking form.Copy !req
21. 'I'm also an agent.'Copy !req
22. I represent other dwarves.Copy !req
23. You know, I've had huge success,Copy !req
24. and this is my chance to pay that
forward and help them get work.Copy !req
25. The director's furious.
He wants to fire you.Copy !req
26. Not my fault I don't know the song.
You're a dwarf,
how can you not know "Hi-Ho"?Copy !req
27. Something about whistling? Whistle
While You Work? Never heard it.Copy !req
28. How is this possible? I don't know.Copy !req
29. That's one of my clients there.Copy !req
30. So if you need anybody,
I've got all sorts.Copy !req
31. Got that sort of look.Copy !req
32. That one. One that looks like that.Copy !req
33. Someone who looks like that,Copy !req
34. you know, with a hat on.
Some with long hair.Copy !req
35. All sorts of different ones.Copy !req
36. I mean, they're all about that high,Copy !req
37. but they've sort of got different...Copy !req
38. fat, thin, you know,
whatever you want,Copy !req
39. I can provide.Copy !req
40. Why am I doing this documentary?Copy !req
41. Because normally
you see a dwarf on TV,Copy !req
42. who carries himself with dignity.Copy !req
43. I'm a role model.Copy !req
44. I'm a bit like Martin Luther King.Copy !req
45. Because I too have a dreamCopy !req
46. that one day dwarves
will be treated equally,Copy !req
47. and they will walk proud, hand
in hand with the rest of mankind.Copy !req
48. You say, "No, Warwick,
it's not the same.Copy !req
49. The dwarf wasn't taken forcibly
from his homelandCopy !req
50. and enslaved and whipped
and forced to change his name."Copy !req
51. No, maybe not.Copy !req
52. But then, I've never seen a black
man fired from a cannon...Copy !req
53. every day for a whole season
and twice on Saturdays.Copy !req
54. There we go. Come in.Copy !req
55. The old homestead.Copy !req
56. Yeah.Copy !req
57. Oh. Don't worry, they're not mine!Copy !req
58. Who's this handsome devil?Copy !req
59. Nice suit there.Copy !req
60. That's me and my wife Sue
on our wedding day.Copy !req
61. Sue's looking lovely there.Copy !req
62. The dress she's wearing
belonged to her mother.Copy !req
63. Her mother had sadly passed over,Copy !req
64. so it was our way of having her
at the wedding, which was nice.Copy !req
65. Sue had to lose a lot of weight
to get it on.Copy !req
66. Not as much as I'd have liked,Copy !req
67. but enough to squeeze into
her dead mum's dress.Copy !req
68. This is my kitchen.
Cooker, sink, usual.Copy !req
69. I was going to get all this loweredCopy !req
70. but Sue enjoys doing the cooking, so
I thought I'd leave it. Erm, good.Copy !req
71. Here we are, look,
this is Chewbacca. Hey, Chewie!Copy !req
72. Good boy, ho-ho!Copy !req
73. Oh, bit camera-shy.Copy !req
74. Oh, here she is.Copy !req
75. Sue Davis. Mrs Sue Davis,
the old ball and chain.Copy !req
76. Hiya. Hello. You all right?Copy !req
77. I'm fine, thank you.
Nice to see you.Copy !req
78. What are you doing here, Warwick?
I just popped round to say hi.Copy !req
79. You know you're not supposed
to be here. You moved out.Copy !req
80. We're separated. No, not really.
Oh, we are. Temporarily.Copy !req
81. You can't keep running that round.Copy !req
82. You were the one that walked out.
No, not really. Yes, you did.Copy !req
83. I didn't walk out. I was back
and forth to Hollywood so much,Copy !req
84. it wasn't fair on you. You weren't
back and forth to Hollywood.Copy !req
85. Yes. No, you weren't.
The phone hasn't rung for years.Copy !req
86. But if it started ringing,Copy !req
87. if George Lucas rang and said
we're doing another Star WarsCopy !req
88. I had to be ready to go, on a plane,
whoosh, here I come!Copy !req
89. If that had happened,
I could have come with you.Copy !req
90. No, cos George Lucas isn't stupid,
doesn't throw his money around.Copy !req
91. "Why do you need two tickets?
You're only three foot six!"Copy !req
92. Tell you what happened. Oh, what?Copy !req
93. He thought... Here we go,
what did I think. Mystic Meg here!Copy !req
94. What he thought was... Yeah, yeah.
He thought he could do better.Copy !req
95. He thought he could trade me in
for a taller, more beautiful model,Copy !req
96. but he couldn't. No, I could,
I didn't want to. No, you couldn't.Copy !req
97. I could! Just didn't want to,
cos I'm, you know, faithful.Copy !req
98. Now he's back with his tail
between his legs. It's too late.Copy !req
99. Doesn't have to be. It's over.Copy !req
100. I've moved on.
You haven't bloody moved on.
You're still in a house that I own,Copy !req
101. so I might as well move back in.Copy !req
102. Know what you need to do, Warwick?Copy !req
103. Get your stuff and move out,
because we're separated.Copy !req
104. We are getting divorced.Copy !req
105. I don't know what part of that
you don't understand.Copy !req
106. All right, calm down. Showing off.Copy !req
107. So.Copy !req
108. 'I know you're thinking.
"Warwick, why did you marry
beneath yourself?" 'Copy !req
109. Why would a film star marry herCopy !req
110. when he could have leggy blondes
or Page Three girls?Copy !req
111. Didn't want to.Copy !req
112. If I'm walking down the street
with a stunner on my arm,Copy !req
113. everyone's going, "Oh, he's got
the sexy bird cos he's a film star."Copy !req
114. Right? So I went for a chick
who... hasn't got it all out on show.Copy !req
115. Yeah, she's not going to be
in FHM magazine,Copy !req
116. she's not going to win any
Rear of the Year awardsCopy !req
117. or turn heads at an awards do,
or a showbiz party,Copy !req
118. or in the supermarket,
but she's reliable.Copy !req
119. She won't run to the papers,Copy !req
120. "Know what Warwick likes sexually?
He likes..."Copy !req
121. It doesn't matter
what Warwick likes sexually,Copy !req
122. whatever it is, she won't
write about it in her memoirs.Copy !req
123. Not that anyone'd ask her
for her memoirs,Copy !req
124. cos she's a nobody,
as I said before.Copy !req
125. Can't reach!Copy !req
126. Oh, excuse me.
Sorry, sir, excuse me.Copy !req
127. Could you press that top buzzer,
please?Copy !req
128. It's the top one there.Copy !req
129. This one? Yep.Copy !req
130. Thanks.Copy !req
131. 'Hello?'Copy !req
132. It's Warwick.Copy !req
133. 'Hello?'Copy !req
134. It's Warwick.Copy !req
135. 'There's no-one there.'Copy !req
136. Can't hear me!Copy !req
137. Excuse me.Copy !req
138. Could you say into that intercom,
"It's Warwick Davis."Copy !req
139. Why? Because it is.Copy !req
140. No, it's not.
No, you're not, I am. I just...Copy !req
141. Then why am I saying it?Copy !req
142. Cos when they answer they can't
hear me. Why can't you shout it?Copy !req
143. Can't stand in the street
shouting, "It's Warwick Davis."Copy !req
144. Why not? I'm a famous actor,
I've been in films.Copy !req
145. I never heard of you.
Haven't you? No.Copy !req
146. If I heard someone shout,
"It's Warwick Davis!"Copy !req
147. I'd be like, "Who's Warwick Davis?"Copy !req
148. I am. Yeah, I know that now.Copy !req
149. All right, let me tell you this.Copy !req
150. If I start shouting, "It's Warwick
Davis", it'll cause quite a stir.Copy !req
151. Right. There'll be people wanting
autographs, so let's... Bruv,Copy !req
152. I'll get real.
Let me break it down for you.Copy !req
153. No-one knows you.Copy !req
154. If you were to say your name
was like, Verne Troyer,Copy !req
155. I'd be like, "Boom, Mini-Me,
Austin Powers, sex tape."Copy !req
156. That guy's big in the game,
you know. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
157. You've done none of those things.Copy !req
158. I've never seen you bruv.
What films you been in?Copy !req
159. Have you seen Return Of The Jedi?Copy !req
160. Who was you in that? I was an Ewok.Copy !req
161. Those little bears? They're not
bears. Bruv, they're little bears.Copy !req
162. Right. Have you seen Willow? No.Copy !req
163. Look, just press the buzzer, please.Copy !req
164. Thank you.Copy !req
165. Top one there.Copy !req
166. 'Hello?'Copy !req
167. Yo. Warren Davis.Copy !req
168. Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis.Copy !req
169. 'Oh... OK... come up.'Copy !req
170. Is that Ricky Gervais?Copy !req
171. Oh, you recognise him?Copy !req
172. That's got issues.
You're welcome, bruv.Copy !req
173. Chief!Copy !req
174. Here we are.Copy !req
175. Look at that.Copy !req
176. Comedy legends there, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant. Hmm.Copy !req
177. We're all mates, aren't we?
Always popping round for a chat.Copy !req
178. You are always popping round, yeah.Copy !req
179. I thought we made the buzzer
high enough, but...Copy !req
180. I got a passer-by to press it.
Passer-by? Damn!Copy !req
181. We didn't think of everything.
Hmm.Copy !req
182. Yeah, always nice to see you.Copy !req
183. Yeah, it is, it's... it's good.Copy !req
184. What do you need, cos we're a bit
conscious of... Oh, I don't know,Copy !req
185. just... just a chat really.Copy !req
186. Oh! OK. You know, I was...Copy !req
187. 'You've got to be resilient
in this business.Copy !req
188. 'When the phone won't stop ringing
you can be choosy,Copy !req
189. 'but when it's not ringing,Copy !req
190. 'then... it's at times like this'Copy !req
191. when you find out who your friends
are, and you call in a few favours.Copy !req
192. 'I'm good friends with
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
When you're friendsCopy !req
193. 'with writers, directors, producers,Copy !req
194. 'then what's wrong with saying,
"All right, chaps, what's going on?'Copy !req
195. "Have you got any work for me?"Copy !req
196. I don't know where to turn, to be
honest. There's no work coming inCopy !req
197. at the minute. I just... OK.Copy !req
198. Are you doing any more Extras?Copy !req
199. I mean maybe we could... No.Copy !req
200. What else are you working on at
the minute? Just other TV and film.Copy !req
201. OK. And, you know...Copy !req
202. Any actors required, perhaps?Copy !req
203. Actors?Copy !req
204. Do you need actors?Copy !req
205. We will need actors for the,
um, at some point.Copy !req
206. But not necessarily... Not...Copy !req
207. Not..?Copy !req
208. If we do, though, we would like...Copy !req
209. Yeah, cos you were brilliant
in The Office. Extras.Copy !req
210. Extras. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
211. We did have someone like that
in The Office, though?Copy !req
212. Wheelchair. We had a wheelchair one.Copy !req
213. Same ballpark. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
214. But, um... no. OK, well,Copy !req
215. remember me when you're writing.Copy !req
216. Definitely. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
217. Oh, yeah, you know I mentionedCopy !req
218. things weren't so good
between myself and my wife?Copy !req
219. Well, recently, it took a turn
for the worse, I'm afraid.Copy !req
220. She's going through with a divorce.
I don't know what went wrong.Copy !req
221. Always delivered in the bedroom
department, I think, you know?Copy !req
222. Um...Copy !req
223. No, it's... You know,Copy !req
224. several times a week,Copy !req
225. which is unusual, I think,Copy !req
226. this far into a marriage.
What was it? Ten years almost, yeah.Copy !req
227. But um, always had a good go.Copy !req
228. Ah. That's...Copy !req
229. that's the main thing, innit?Copy !req
230. I want to tell you this, Ricky,Copy !req
231. I always took care of her needs
before I moved on to mine.Copy !req
232. I could tell you
some of the things we did.Copy !req
233. No! No point.Copy !req
234. It's just... it's, um...Copy !req
235. No, I could take your word for it.Copy !req
236. All a bit sad really.Copy !req
237. Yeah.Copy !req
238. Right, um,Copy !req
239. good to see you chaps. It is!
Always nice to see you. Cheers.Copy !req
240. Thanks for coming. See you soon. OK.Copy !req
241. Oh, yeah, just one more thing.
Go on.Copy !req
242. Just getting back to
the divorce situation, I wondered,Copy !req
243. have you got any advice?Copy !req
244. Um, well,Copy !req
245. my advice would be, ask SteveCopy !req
246. cos he's great
at that sort of... thing.Copy !req
247. About what?Copy !req
248. Just the divorce.Copy !req
249. The divorce thing. You know, it's all
new to me so I don't know what to...Copy !req
250. My advice would probably be
just to, um,Copy !req
251. do whatever you think is the right
thing to do in this situation.Copy !req
252. What good advice that is.Copy !req
253. Do whatever? Yeah.Copy !req
254. You agree with that, yeah?Copy !req
255. If Steve says so, yeah.Copy !req
256. Just do whatever. OK, yeah.Copy !req
257. All right, chaps. Cheers.
Are you definitely off? See you. Bye.Copy !req
258. Do whatever!Copy !req
259. What do I know? I didn't even
realise he was married. Oh, God!Copy !req
260. Erm... well, that went well.Copy !req
261. It's always good to get
their perspective on things,Copy !req
262. and, you know, now I'm
in their minds for any future...Copy !req
263. Shaun!Copy !req
264. Shaun Williamson, from Extras.Copy !req
265. Hello.
What are you doing here, then?Copy !req
266. Oh, just seeing the boys
about a few things.Copy !req
267. So they are doing more Extras?Copy !req
268. I don't know, I'm just
returning their dry cleaning. Oh.Copy !req
269. Doing a few errands for 'em,
you know? Yeah.Copy !req
270. It's all cash and just,
you know, it keeps me busy,Copy !req
271. gets me out the house, so, um...Copy !req
272. Work's dried up a bit since Extras,
to be honest. Yeah, same here.Copy !req
273. What is this, then?Copy !req
274. Documentary.Copy !req
275. What, about...? About me, yeah.Copy !req
276. That's good exposure for you.
That's what I thought,Copy !req
277. it's all good.Copy !req
278. See you later.
Yeah, see you later, yeah.Copy !req
279. 'Hello?'Copy !req
280. Right, what was I saying?Copy !req
281. 'Oh, hi, come up.'Copy !req
282. Yeah, now I'm in their minds
for any future work and stuff,Copy !req
283. cos they're always writing and er,
and producing stuff,Copy !req
284. so they're the people to know.Copy !req
285. Cheryl Wilkins. That's you.Copy !req
286. Bit of background on me
before we start.Copy !req
287. I'm an entrepreneur,Copy !req
288. and hoping to expand
my operation here.Copy !req
289. That's partly why I need new staff.Copy !req
290. Also, my wife used to work hereCopy !req
291. but she's currently going through
a divorce situationCopy !req
292. with me,Copy !req
293. so um, so I need a new secretary,Copy !req
294. which could be you.Copy !req
295. I'm looking at your CV, and I seeCopy !req
296. not a lot of experience.Copy !req
297. No. That will mean
I can't pay you a lot initially.Copy !req
298. That's fine. Mum just wants me
out the house.Copy !req
299. I can live rent-free if I don't
come home till six at night.Copy !req
300. Right.Copy !req
301. What are your interests? You know,
tell me a bit about Cheryl.Copy !req
302. Do you have a pet? I've got two pets
that are related to each other.Copy !req
303. They're dogs. Ah!Copy !req
304. But we sort of call themCopy !req
305. different things, like,Copy !req
306. they've got names.Copy !req
307. Oh, yeah, obviously, they're dogs,Copy !req
308. and you've given them names,Copy !req
309. which is not unusual, I don't think
you'll find. It's just...Copy !req
310. OK, what are your hopes
for the future?Copy !req
311. Sales and marketing.Copy !req
312. And that's it? That's your dream?Copy !req
313. No. My dream is to sort of establishCopy !req
314. that people that go to the moon
are actually going to the moonCopy !req
315. and they're not just pretending.Copy !req
316. I've got a few more people to see.Copy !req
317. Actually there's no-one else to see.
You're hired.Copy !req
318. Yeah, we do have people
that can do leprechauns.Copy !req
319. How many do you want?Copy !req
320. 'Being restricted in height does not
make you restricted in talent.'Copy !req
321. I wouldn't go for seven, cos seven
tends to make people think dwarves.Copy !req
322. If they're meant to be leprechauns
I'd go with six or eight.Copy !req
323. There's loads of little people
with immense talent,Copy !req
324. and that's what I'm trying
to show the world.Copy !req
325. Can I be honest?Copy !req
326. Um... awful, obviously.Copy !req
327. That's the least of our worries.Copy !req
328. A lot of boxes ticked.
We've got dwarves,Copy !req
329. blacking up, and you know,Copy !req
330. I may be wrong but I don't think
you can do that any more.Copy !req
331. Maybe in the North.
So, we've got dwarves,Copy !req
332. blacking up, singing "Ebony and
Ivory". It's a very mixed message.Copy !req
333. And I'm a lesbian.Copy !req
334. I didn't even know
one of you was a girl.Copy !req
335. So, here we are at the offices
of my accountant. Yep.Copy !req
336. Eric. Biddle. Mr Biddle.Copy !req
337. Yeah, he's not only my accountant,
he's a friend.Copy !req
338. Yeah, we go way back, don't we?Copy !req
339. Um... Long way, yeah.
Years and years, isn't it?Copy !req
340. It smells a bit iffy in here today.Copy !req
341. It's like something rotting. You
know that smell of... Is it that?Copy !req
342. Oh! What is it?Copy !req
343. It's a chicken. I had it for lunch.Copy !req
344. When? About a week ago.Copy !req
345. Then empty the bloody bin!Copy !req
346. It's not my job to empty the bins.Copy !req
347. I'm an accountant,
not a bloody cleaner.Copy !req
348. Right.Copy !req
349. Have you spoken to the Inland
Revenue? What's the latest?Copy !req
350. Yes. They are not pressing charges.Copy !req
351. They don't think it's fraud.
I've told them you didn't know
what you were doing.Copy !req
352. It's you who didn't know what
he was doing. You're my accountant.Copy !req
353. You're supposed to tell me
if I owe tax. Yeah, I know, but...Copy !req
354. The original figure they said I owed
was 250,000. Where are we now?Copy !req
355. Well, I was cheeky, I said,
"he won't do it again,"Copy !req
356. there was a bit of back and forth,Copy !req
357. and the figure I arrived at
was ã50,000.Copy !req
358. ã50,000? That's great!Copy !req
359. Wait, no. They said no to that.Copy !req
360. A very definite no.Copy !req
361. So what was the figure
you agreed on?Copy !req
362. ã250,000.Copy !req
363. That's what they wanted to start
with! Yes, but...Copy !req
364. That's not negotiating!
You just agreed with them!Copy !req
365. But the tax people
know what they're talking about.Copy !req
366. They understand your accounts
better than me.Copy !req
367. I'm not going to argue with them.Copy !req
368. You're supposed to argue!
And piss off the Inland Revenue?Copy !req
369. I've got other clients to think of,
better clients.Copy !req
370. I don't want them tarred
by your bloody mistakes.Copy !req
371. That you made. Yeah, exactly!Copy !req
372. 'I've known Eric
for about 25 years now.'Copy !req
373. He wanted to be a top accountant.
I wanted to be a Hollywood star.Copy !req
374. I have to earn ã250,000 by January?Copy !req
375. More actually,Copy !req
376. cos you have to pay 40% tax
on what you earn, so...Copy !req
377. I never realised, back then, what
a poor accountant he would become.Copy !req
378. Hang on, I'm confused, sorry.Copy !req
379. Am I being thick? No, no,
it is confusing,Copy !req
380. tax, percentages and everything,Copy !req
381. I always get stuff wrong.
I get letters!Copy !req
382. And the smell makes it hard
to concentrate, to be honest.Copy !req
383. He really is shit at it.Copy !req
384. How much do I need to earn?Copy !req
385. Let's have a look. 250,000Copy !req
386. times...Copy !req
387. Oop! Er, times...Copy !req
388. Does this do percentages?Copy !req
389. It should do. Where is it?
Ah, there.Copy !req
390. Now, do I press times percentage?Copy !req
391. 'If he wasn't a mate, I'd have
fired him 24 years ago, but...'Copy !req
392. 250,000...Copy !req
393. 'He is a mate,
and I can't fire him.'Copy !req
394. Is 0.4 the same? Isn't that
like saying 40% of something?Copy !req
395. 'In fact, he's more like a stray dog
than a mate'Copy !req
396. cos I've been feeding him
for so long,Copy !req
397. you know, I can't stop now,Copy !req
398. cos if I do,
I know he'll just sit outsideCopy !req
399. waiting, and... and starve to death.Copy !req
400. Pounds.Copy !req
401. Then pay the tax on that.Copy !req
402. Um... pay off the 250 grand,Copy !req
403. and you'll be left with... ã20,000.Copy !req
404. I'd have 20 grand?
I can live on that,Copy !req
405. that's not so bad... Hang on.Copy !req
406. Didn't higher rate tax go up
from 40% to 50% in the UK recently?Copy !req
407. Gee, ohh...Copy !req
408. Ohhh...Copy !req
409. Wuh-wuh-buh-buh-buh...Copy !req
410. Can I ask you something, Warwick?Copy !req
411. How do you keep
getting into this office?Copy !req
412. 'The great thing about being friends
with influential peopleCopy !req
413. 'is that through them, you get
to meet other influential people.'Copy !req
414. I mean if either of you,
or both, could come along,Copy !req
415. it'd really help. I can't...Copy !req
416. 'That's how this business operates.
It's all about networking.'Copy !req
417. You'd enjoy it.
I wouldn't, trust me.Copy !req
418. Warwick, you've got to go.Copy !req
419. Hello? 'It's Liam Neeson.'Copy !req
420. Come in. I've worked with him. OK,
but you've got to go. Sorry, guys.Copy !req
421. I could just...Copy !req
422. There is he. Hello!Copy !req
423. Hi. That's Warwick, he's just going.Copy !req
424. Hiya. We worked together
on Star Wars, Phantom Menace.Copy !req
425. Oh yeah? We had a scene together.Copy !req
426. It was cut, though. Remember? OK.Copy !req
427. Thanks for seeing me.Copy !req
428. I'm here because
I'm thinking of, uh,Copy !req
429. I'm thinking of doing some comedy.Copy !req
430. Oh, right like a comedy movie?Copy !req
431. No, on stage.Copy !req
432. Stand-up comedy,
live comedy of some kind.Copy !req
433. Wow!Copy !req
434. I'm a funny guy - aren't I?Copy !req
435. I'm funny, right?Copy !req
436. Yeah.Copy !req
437. Definitely.Copy !req
438. Here's some of the stuff
I'd like to work on.Copy !req
439. Improv, stand-up comedy,Copy !req
440. funny monologues,Copy !req
441. crazy characters, sketches,Copy !req
442. slapstick, anecdotes, parody, yeah?Copy !req
443. Yeah.Copy !req
444. You notice this list, huh?
I'm always making lists.Copy !req
445. Oh, right.Copy !req
446. In fact, that's probably why
Steven Spielberg cast meCopy !req
447. as Oskar Schindler
in Schindler's List.Copy !req
448. I said, "Steven,
I make lists all the time."Copy !req
449. And he said, "That's
exactly what I'm looking for."Copy !req
450. What? What's funny?Copy !req
451. Sorry, I thought you were jokingCopy !req
452. about being cast as Schindler
cos you made lists.Copy !req
453. No.Copy !req
454. As an actor,
you need stuff to draw on,Copy !req
455. and I drew on that.Copy !req
456. OK. Wow.Copy !req
457. OK, let's do some
improvisational comedy.Copy !req
458. I can't now, Liam. It's a bad time...Copy !req
459. Let's do some
improvisational comedy, now.Copy !req
460. OK...Copy !req
461. Give us a scenario, Warwick.Copy !req
462. Um, right, OK, er...Copy !req
463. You're a hypochondriac
and Ricky's a doctor.Copy !req
464. Excellent.Copy !req
465. OK.Copy !req
466. Knock knock. Come in.Copy !req
467. Hello. Oh no, not you again!Copy !req
468. I've never been here before.Copy !req
469. Sorry, I thought...Copy !req
470. as you're a hypochondriac, you'd
have been to the doctor before.Copy !req
471. Don't presume. That's a backstory
we didn't agree on beforehand.Copy !req
472. No, I know,Copy !req
473. but that's improv, you go
with the flow. I don't take notes.Copy !req
474. OK.Copy !req
475. Can we go again, because
you ruined that? Sorry.Copy !req
476. Knock knock. Come in.Copy !req
477. Hi. Hi, how's it going?
What seems to be the problem?Copy !req
478. I've contracted AIDS.Copy !req
479. How did you get that?
From an African prostitute.Copy !req
480. I'm... I'm riddled with it.Copy !req
481. The prostitute's from
an African country that's,Copy !req
482. that's ravaged by starvation, so...Copy !req
483. so selling her body was the only
financial recourse she had left.Copy !req
484. Do you mind if I interject? Go on.Copy !req
485. I think it's getting quite heavy,
this sketch,Copy !req
486. and I just wonder if perhaps,
just for the sake of comedy,Copy !req
487. you might not want to have
contracted AIDsCopy !req
488. from an African prostitute. Just...Copy !req
489. OK.Copy !req
490. All right.Copy !req
491. Knock knock.Copy !req
492. Come in.Copy !req
493. Hi. Hi,
what seems to be the problem?Copy !req
494. As I said before,
I've got full-blown AIDS. Right.Copy !req
495. Do you want to know how I got it?
Sure.Copy !req
496. From a well known homosexual actor.Copy !req
497. Wow. OK.Copy !req
498. It was.Copy !req
499. I wouldn't say the name, cos of...Copy !req
500. I got it from an unspecific actor.Copy !req
501. Does he know he has AIDS?
Who,Copy !req
502. Again, sorry, I just wouldn't
name them. And also, I just thinkCopy !req
503. AIDS is, as I've said before, just
a really heavy subject for comedy.Copy !req
504. Ah. OK.Copy !req
505. Hmm.Copy !req
506. I could have bowel cancer.Copy !req
507. Yeah,Copy !req
508. cancer though, and AIDS, and famine,Copy !req
509. aren't really subjects for comedy.
How does he get away with it, then?Copy !req
510. We don't know.Copy !req
511. We shouldn't have a doctor
in the sketchCopy !req
512. if I can't talk about AIDS. OK.Copy !req
513. Any suggestions?Copy !req
514. Oh, um... you're a greengrocerCopy !req
515. and Ricky comes in to complain.Copy !req
516. I've played Rob Roy MacGregor,
Michael Collins, Oskar Schindler,Copy !req
517. Zeus, for God's sake.Copy !req
518. No-one will believe me as a grocer.
Change your accent.Copy !req
519. Lots of actors do it. He doesn't.
How does he get away with it?Copy !req
520. Again, we don't know.Copy !req
521. Let's just do our own accents
and get this done, shall we?Copy !req
522. OK, greengrocer.Copy !req
523. Tring!Copy !req
524. We're closed.Copy !req
525. I think the shop has to be open
for us to do the sketch. OK. Sorry.Copy !req
526. Tring!Copy !req
527. Yes?Copy !req
528. Um, I'd like to make a complaint.Copy !req
529. I bought some fruit yesterday. When
I got home, some of it was rotten.Copy !req
530. That's not my fault.Copy !req
531. Well, it's your shop and it was sold
on your premises, so...Copy !req
532. Uh-uh. I wasn't here.Copy !req
533. Doesn't matter, you've got to...
I was at the doctor's. OK.Copy !req
534. I've got AIDS.
Thought you might have.Copy !req
535. Yep, that's it, that's really good.Copy !req
536. Yeah. You're going to storm it, boy.Copy !req
537. OK, brilliant,
good luck with that. Well done.Copy !req
538. Don't forget your little list. Yeah.Copy !req
539. You're off as well,
aren't you, Warwick?Copy !req
540. Oh, yeah, yeah. OK, see you guys.Copy !req
541. OK. All right. Cheers.Copy !req
542. Everything that happens,
happens for a reason.Copy !req
543. Some things are sent to test you.Copy !req
544. I'm not the sort of bloke
who lives in the past, who goes,Copy !req
545. "Oh, I wish it was still the 1980s,
those were the glory days.Copy !req
546. I was doing Willow, Return of
the Jedi, work was rolling in."Copy !req
547. I'm not like that.Copy !req
548. I'm going to list all the positives.Copy !req
549. I'm not destitute,Copy !req
550. not a drug addict,Copy !req
551. not riddled with AIDS.Copy !req
552. And there was a chance
of catching that in the '80S,Copy !req
553. from a woman.Copy !req
554. Right? If I'd caught it from anyone
it would have been a woman.Copy !req
555. But, to be honest, I wasn't
really shagging in the '80s.Copy !req
556. In the '90sCopy !req
557. I dipped my wick a few times,Copy !req
558. so watch this space.Copy !req
559. Plenty more wick dipping to come.Copy !req
560. In women. Just want
to make that totally clear.Copy !req
561. I'm not a homosexual.Copy !req
562. So, where are you staying?Copy !req
563. Just probably a guest house.Copy !req
564. You got everything?Copy !req
565. Yeah. You got your special shampoo?Copy !req
566. Yes.Copy !req
567. Don't worry,
it's almost cleared up anyway.Copy !req
568. So, yeah.Copy !req
569. OK, well, bye.Copy !req
570. See you. See you.Copy !req
571. Lovely day.Copy !req
572. Do you want to go
into the toilet with me?Copy !req
573. You getting all this? Fuck off!Copy !req
574. Would you be guest of honour
at our wedding?Copy !req
575. Do you believe in aliens?Copy !req
576. Be grateful the phone doesn't ring.
It might be Sting.Copy !req
577. His real name's Gordon!Copy !req
578. You're a disgusting little creature
and I want to squash you.Copy !req
579. He can't afford a solicitor.
I'm his accountant!Copy !req
580. Give me a kiss.Copy !req
581. Hmm...Copy !req
582. She's changed the locks!Copy !req
583. She's changed the back door too.Copy !req
584. What were you thinking?Copy !req
585. I was thinking,
I put over ã400,000 into this houseCopy !req
586. and, er, the dog, bless it,Copy !req
587. has contributed very little
to the mortgage, yetCopy !req
588. it can come and go as it pleases.Copy !req
589. And I thought,
I'll have a bit of that.Copy !req