1. My name is Warwick Davis.Copy !req
2. I'm the UK's go-to dwarf.Copy !req
3. I'm an actor. You will have seen me
in the Harry Potter films,Copy !req
4. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,Copy !req
5. Return of the Jedi.Copy !req
6. Yup-yup!Copy !req
7. That's Wicket the Ewok,
my first ever character.Copy !req
8. I'm still very good friends
with George Lucas,Copy !req
9. who created the Star Wars films,Copy !req
10. though if I've got one criticism
of George, he missed a trick.Copy !req
11. Why did he disguise my face?Copy !req
12. If you're paying good money
for the actor Warwick Davis,Copy !req
13. then let the people see
the actor Warwick Davis.Copy !req
14. George realised
the error of his waysCopy !req
15. because he went on
to cast me in Willow there.Copy !req
16. That film cost,
I think it's 40 million,Copy !req
17. and has... has made a lot
of that back, since.Copy !req
18. Hello? Dwarves For Hire.
Warwick Davis speaking.Copy !req
19. 'I am not only an actor.'Copy !req
20. Yep. Just get a booking form.Copy !req
21. 'I'm also an agent.'Copy !req
22. I represent other dwarves.Copy !req
23. You know, I've had huge success,Copy !req
24. and this is my chance to pay that
forward and help them get work.Copy !req
25. The director's furious.
He wants to fire you.Copy !req
26. Not my fault I don't know the song.
You're a dwarf,
how can you not know "Hi-Ho"?Copy !req
27. Something about whistling? Whistle
While You Work? Never heard it.Copy !req
28. How is this possible? I don't know.Copy !req
29. That's one of my clients there.Copy !req
30. So if you need anybody,
I've got all sorts.Copy !req
31. Got that sort of look.Copy !req
32. That one. One that looks like that.Copy !req
33. Someone who looks like that,Copy !req
34. you know, with a hat on.
Some with long hair.Copy !req
35. All sorts of different ones.Copy !req
36. I mean, they're all about that high,Copy !req
37. but they've sort of got different...Copy !req
38. fat, thin, you know,
whatever you want,Copy !req
39. I can provide.Copy !req
40. Why am I doing this documentary?Copy !req
41. Because normally
you see a dwarf on TV,Copy !req
42. and he's dancing around,
making a fool of himself.Copy !req
43. I want people to see
a sophisticated dwarf about townCopy !req
44. who carries himself with dignity.Copy !req
45. I'm a role model.Copy !req
46. I'm a bit like Martin Luther King.Copy !req
47. Because I too have a dreamCopy !req
48. that one day dwarves
will be treated equally,Copy !req
49. and they will walk proud, hand
in hand with the rest of mankind.Copy !req
50. You say, "No, Warwick,
it's not the same.Copy !req
51. The dwarf wasn't taken forcibly
from his homelandCopy !req
52. and enslaved and whipped
and forced to change his name."Copy !req
53. No, maybe not.Copy !req
54. But then, I've never seen a black
man fired from a cannon...Copy !req
55. every day for a whole season
and twice on Saturdays.Copy !req
56. There we go. Come in.Copy !req
57. The old homestead.Copy !req
58. Yeah.Copy !req
59. Oh. Don't worry, they're not mine!Copy !req
60. Who's this handsome devil?Copy !req
61. Nice suit there.Copy !req
62. That's me and my wife Sue
on our wedding day.Copy !req
63. Sue's looking lovely there.Copy !req
64. The dress she's wearing
belonged to her mother.Copy !req
65. Her mother had sadly passed over,Copy !req
66. so it was our way of having her
at the wedding, which was nice.Copy !req
67. Sue had to lose a lot of weight
to get it on.Copy !req
68. Not as much as I'd have liked,Copy !req
69. but enough to squeeze into
her dead mum's dress.Copy !req
70. This is my kitchen.
Cooker, sink, usual.Copy !req
71. I was going to get all this loweredCopy !req
72. but Sue enjoys doing the cooking, so
I thought I'd leave it. Erm, good.Copy !req
73. Here we are, look,
this is Chewbacca. Hey, Chewie!Copy !req
74. Good boy, ho-ho!Copy !req
75. Oh, bit camera-shy.Copy !req
76. Oh, here she is.Copy !req
77. Sue Davis. Mrs Sue Davis,
the old ball and chain.Copy !req
78. Hiya. Hello. You all right?Copy !req
79. I'm fine, thank you.
Nice to see you.Copy !req
80. What are you doing here, Warwick?
I just popped round to say hi.Copy !req
81. You know you're not supposed
to be here. You moved out.Copy !req
82. We're separated. No, not really.
Oh, we are. Temporarily.Copy !req
83. You can't keep running that round.Copy !req
84. You were the one that walked out.
No, not really. Yes, you did.Copy !req
85. I didn't walk out. I was back
and forth to Hollywood so much,Copy !req
86. it wasn't fair on you. You weren't
back and forth to Hollywood.Copy !req
87. Yes. No, you weren't.
The phone hasn't rung for years.Copy !req
88. But if it started ringing,Copy !req
89. if George Lucas rang and said
we're doing another Star WarsCopy !req
90. I had to be ready to go, on a plane,
whoosh, here I come!Copy !req
91. If that had happened,
I could have come with you.Copy !req
92. No, cos George Lucas isn't stupid,
doesn't throw his money around.Copy !req
93. "Why do you need two tickets?
You're only three foot six!"Copy !req
94. Tell you what happened. Oh, what?Copy !req
95. He thought... Here we go,
what did I think. Mystic Meg here!Copy !req
96. What he thought was... Yeah, yeah.
He thought he could do better.Copy !req
97. He thought he could trade me in
for a taller, more beautiful model,Copy !req
98. but he couldn't. No, I could,
I didn't want to. No, you couldn't.Copy !req
99. I could! Just didn't want to,
cos I'm, you know, faithful.Copy !req
100. Now he's back with his tail
between his legs. It's too late.Copy !req
101. Doesn't have to be. It's over.Copy !req
102. I've moved on.
You haven't bloody moved on.
You're still in a house that I own,Copy !req
103. so I might as well move back in.Copy !req
104. Know what you need to do, Warwick?Copy !req
105. Get your stuff and move out,
because we're separated.Copy !req
106. We are getting divorced.Copy !req
107. I don't know what part of that
you don't understand.Copy !req
108. All right, calm down. Showing off.Copy !req
109. So.Copy !req
110. 'I know you're thinking.
"Warwick, why did you marry
beneath yourself?" 'Copy !req
111. Why would a film star marry herCopy !req
112. when he could have leggy blondes
or Page Three girls?Copy !req
113. Didn't want to.Copy !req
114. If I'm walking down the street
with a stunner on my arm,Copy !req
115. everyone's going, "Oh, he's got
the sexy bird cos he's a film star."Copy !req
116. Right? So I went for a chick
who... hasn't got it all out on show.Copy !req
117. Yeah, she's not going to be
in FHM magazine,Copy !req
118. she's not going to win any
Rear of the Year awardsCopy !req
119. or turn heads at an awards do,
or a showbiz party,Copy !req
120. or in the supermarket,
but she's reliable.Copy !req
121. She won't run to the papers,Copy !req
122. "Know what Warwick likes sexually?
He likes..."Copy !req
123. It doesn't matter
what Warwick likes sexually,Copy !req
124. whatever it is, she won't
write about it in her memoirs.Copy !req
125. Not that anyone'd ask her
for her memoirs,Copy !req
126. cos she's a nobody,
as I said before.Copy !req
127. Can't reach!Copy !req
128. Oh, excuse me.
Sorry, sir, excuse me.Copy !req
129. Could you press that top buzzer,
please?Copy !req
130. It's the top one there.Copy !req
131. This one? Yep.Copy !req
132. BUZZER RINGSCopy !req
133. Thanks.Copy !req
134. 'Hello?'Copy !req
135. It's Warwick.Copy !req
136. 'Hello?'Copy !req
137. It's Warwick.Copy !req
138. 'There's no-one there.'Copy !req
139. Can't hear me!Copy !req
140. Excuse me.Copy !req
141. Could you say into that intercom,
"It's Warwick Davis."Copy !req
142. Why? Because it is.Copy !req
143. No, it's not.
No, you're not, I am. I just...Copy !req
144. Then why am I saying it?Copy !req
145. Cos when they answer they can't
hear me. Why can't you shout it?Copy !req
146. Can't stand in the street
shouting, "It's Warwick Davis."Copy !req
147. Why not? I'm a famous actor,
I've been in films.Copy !req
148. I never heard of you.
Haven't you? No.Copy !req
149. If I heard someone shout,
"It's Warwick Davis!"Copy !req
150. I'd be like, "Who's Warwick Davis?"Copy !req
151. I am. Yeah, I know that now.Copy !req
152. All right, let me tell you this.Copy !req
153. If I start shouting, "It's Warwick
Davis", it'll cause quite a stir.Copy !req
154. Right. There'll be people wanting
autographs, so let's... Bruv,Copy !req
155. I'll get real.
Let me break it down for you.Copy !req
156. No-one knows you.Copy !req
157. If you were to say your name
was like, Verne Troyer,Copy !req
158. I'd be like, "Boom, Mini-Me,
Austin Powers, sex tape."Copy !req
159. That guy's big in the game,
you know. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
160. You've done none of those things.Copy !req
161. I've never seen you bruv.
What films you been in?Copy !req
162. Have you seen Return Of The Jedi?Copy !req
163. Who was you in that? I was an Ewok.Copy !req
164. Those little bears? They're not
bears. Bruv, they're little bears.Copy !req
165. Right. Have you seen Willow? No.Copy !req
166. Look, just press the buzzer, please.Copy !req
167. Thank you.Copy !req
168. Top one there.Copy !req
169. BUZZER RINGSCopy !req
170. 'Hello?'Copy !req
171. Yo. Warren Davis.Copy !req
172. Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis.Copy !req
173. 'Oh... OK... come up.'Copy !req
174. Is that Ricky Gervais?Copy !req
175. Oh, you recognise him?Copy !req
176. That's got issues.
You're welcome, bruv.Copy !req
177. Chief!Copy !req
178. Here we are.Copy !req
179. Look at that.Copy !req
180. Comedy legends there, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant. Hmm.Copy !req
181. We're all mates, aren't we?
Always popping round for a chat.Copy !req
182. You are always popping round, yeah.Copy !req
183. I thought we made the buzzer
high enough, but...Copy !req
184. I got a passer-by to press it.
Passer-by? Damn!Copy !req
185. We didn't think of everything.
Hmm.Copy !req
186. Yeah, always nice to see you.Copy !req
187. Yeah, it is, it's... it's good.Copy !req
188. What do you need, cos we're a bit
conscious of... Oh, I don't know,Copy !req
189. just... just a chat really.Copy !req
190. Oh! OK. You know, I was...Copy !req
191. 'You've got to be resilient
in this business.Copy !req
192. 'When the phone won't stop ringing
you can be choosy,Copy !req
193. 'but when it's not ringing,Copy !req
194. 'then... it's at times like this'Copy !req
195. when you find out who your friends
are, and you call in a few favours.Copy !req
196. 'I'm good friends with
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
When you're friendsCopy !req
197. 'with writers, directors, producers,Copy !req
198. 'then what's wrong with saying,
"All right, chaps, what's going on?'Copy !req
199. "Have you got any work for me?"Copy !req
200. I don't know where to turn, to be
honest. There's no work coming inCopy !req
201. at the minute. I just... OK.Copy !req
202. Are you doing any more Extras?Copy !req
203. I mean maybe we could... No.Copy !req
204. What else are you working on at
the minute? Just other TV and film.Copy !req
205. OK. And, you know...Copy !req
206. Any actors required, perhaps?Copy !req
207. Actors?Copy !req
208. Do you need actors?Copy !req
209. We will need actors for the,
um, at some point.Copy !req
210. But not necessarily... Not...Copy !req
211. Not..?Copy !req
212. If we do, though, we would like...Copy !req
213. Yeah, cos you were brilliant
in The Office. Extras.Copy !req
214. Extras. Yeah, whatever.Copy !req
215. We did have someone like that
in The Office, though?Copy !req
216. Wheelchair. We had a wheelchair one.Copy !req
217. Same ballpark. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
218. But, um... no. OK, well,Copy !req
219. remember me when you're writing.Copy !req
220. Definitely. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
221. Oh, yeah, you know I mentionedCopy !req
222. things weren't so good
between myself and my wife?Copy !req
223. Well, recently, it took a turn
for the worse, I'm afraid.Copy !req
224. She's going through with a divorce.
I don't know what went wrong.Copy !req
225. Always delivered in the bedroom
department, I think, you know?Copy !req
226. Um...Copy !req
227. No, it's... You know,Copy !req
228. several times a week,Copy !req
229. which is unusual, I think,Copy !req
230. this far into a marriage.
What was it? Ten years almost, yeah.Copy !req
231. But um, always had a good go.Copy !req
232. Ah. That's...Copy !req
233. that's the main thing, innit?Copy !req
234. I want to tell you this, Ricky,Copy !req
235. I always took care of her needs
before I moved on to mine.Copy !req
236. RICKY CLEARS THROATCopy !req
237. I could tell you
some of the things we did.Copy !req
238. No! No point.Copy !req
239. It's just... it's, um...Copy !req
240. No, I could take your word for it.Copy !req
241. All a bit sad really.Copy !req
242. Yeah.Copy !req
243. Right, um,Copy !req
244. good to see you chaps. It is!
Always nice to see you. Cheers.Copy !req
245. Thanks for coming. See you soon. OK.Copy !req
246. Oh, yeah, just one more thing.
Go on.Copy !req
247. Just getting back to
the divorce situation, I wondered,Copy !req
248. have you got any advice?Copy !req
249. Um, well,Copy !req
250. my advice would be, ask SteveCopy !req
251. cos he's great
at that sort of... thing.Copy !req
252. About what?Copy !req
253. Just the divorce.Copy !req
254. The divorce thing. You know, it's all
new to me so I don't know what to...Copy !req
255. My advice would probably be
just to, um,Copy !req
256. do whatever you think is the right
thing to do in this situation.Copy !req
257. What good advice that is.Copy !req
258. Do whatever? Yeah.Copy !req
259. You agree with that, yeah?Copy !req
260. If Steve says so, yeah.Copy !req
261. Just do whatever. OK, yeah.Copy !req
262. All right, chaps. Cheers.
Are you definitely off? See you. Bye.Copy !req
263. Do whatever!Copy !req
264. What do I know? I didn't even
realise he was married. Oh, God!Copy !req
265. Erm... well, that went well.Copy !req
266. It's always good to get
their perspective on things,Copy !req
267. and, you know, now I'm
in their minds for any future...Copy !req
268. Shaun!Copy !req
269. Shaun Williamson, from Extras.Copy !req
270. Hello.
What are you doing here, then?Copy !req
271. Oh, just seeing the boys
about a few things.Copy !req
272. So they are doing more Extras?Copy !req
273. I don't know, I'm just
returning their dry cleaning. Oh.Copy !req
274. Doing a few errands for 'em,
you know? Yeah.Copy !req
275. It's all cash and just,
you know, it keeps me busy,Copy !req
276. gets me out the house, so, um...Copy !req
277. Work's dried up a bit since Extras,
to be honest. Yeah, same here.Copy !req
278. What is this, then?Copy !req
279. Documentary.Copy !req
280. What, about...? About me, yeah.Copy !req
281. That's good exposure for you.
That's what I thought,Copy !req
282. it's all good.Copy !req
283. See you later.
Yeah, see you later, yeah.Copy !req
284. BUZZER RINGSCopy !req
285. 'Hello?'Copy !req
286. Right, what was I saying?Copy !req
287. 'Oh, hi, come up.'Copy !req
288. Yeah, now I'm in their minds
for any future work and stuff,Copy !req
289. cos they're always writing and er,
and producing stuff,Copy !req
290. so they're the people to know.Copy !req
291. Cheryl Wilkins. That's you.Copy !req
292. Bit of background on me
before we start.Copy !req
293. I'm an entrepreneur,Copy !req
294. and hoping to expand
my operation here.Copy !req
295. That's partly why I need new staff.Copy !req
296. Also, my wife used to work hereCopy !req
297. but she's currently going through
a divorce situationCopy !req
298. with me,Copy !req
299. so um, so I need a new secretary,Copy !req
300. which could be you.Copy !req
301. I'm looking at your CV, and I seeCopy !req
302. not a lot of experience.Copy !req
303. No. That will mean
I can't pay you a lot initially.Copy !req
304. That's fine. Mum just wants me
out the house.Copy !req
305. I can live rent-free if I don't
come home till six at night.Copy !req
306. Right.Copy !req
307. What are your interests? You know,
tell me a bit about Cheryl.Copy !req
308. Do you have a pet? I've got two pets
that are related to each other.Copy !req
309. They're dogs. Ah!Copy !req
310. But we sort of call themCopy !req
311. different things, like,Copy !req
312. they've got names.Copy !req
313. Oh, yeah, obviously, they're dogs,Copy !req
314. and you've given them names,Copy !req
315. which is not unusual, I don't think
you'll find. It's just...Copy !req
316. OK, what are your hopes
for the future?Copy !req
317. Sales and marketing.Copy !req
318. And that's it? That's your dream?Copy !req
319. No. My dream is to sort of establishCopy !req
320. that people that go to the moon
are actually going to the moonCopy !req
321. and they're not just pretending.Copy !req
322. I've got a few more people to see.Copy !req
323. Actually there's no-one else to see.
You're hired.Copy !req
324. Yeah, we do have people
that can do leprechauns.Copy !req
325. How many do you want?Copy !req
326. 'Being restricted in height does not
make you restricted in talent.'Copy !req
327. I wouldn't go for seven, cos seven
tends to make people think dwarves.Copy !req
328. If they're meant to be leprechauns
I'd go with six or eight.Copy !req
329. There's loads of little people
with immense talent,Copy !req
330. and that's what I'm trying
to show the world.Copy !req
331. Can I be honest?Copy !req
332. Um... awful, obviously.Copy !req
333. That's the least of our worries.Copy !req
334. A lot of boxes ticked.
We've got dwarves,Copy !req
335. blacking up, and you know,Copy !req
336. I may be wrong but I don't think
you can do that any more.Copy !req
337. Maybe in the North.
So, we've got dwarves,Copy !req
338. blacking up, singing "Ebony and
Ivory". It's a very mixed message.Copy !req
339. And I'm a lesbian.Copy !req
340. I didn't even know
one of you was a girl.Copy !req
341. So, here we are at the offices
of my accountant. Yep.Copy !req
342. Eric. Biddle. Mr Biddle.Copy !req
343. Yeah, he's not only my accountant,
he's a friend.Copy !req
344. Yeah, we go way back, don't we?Copy !req
345. Um... Long way, yeah.
Years and years, isn't it?Copy !req
346. It smells a bit iffy in here today.Copy !req
347. It's like something rotting. You
know that smell of... Is it that?Copy !req
348. Oh! What is it?Copy !req
349. It's a chicken. I had it for lunch.Copy !req
350. When? About a week ago.Copy !req
351. Then empty the bloody bin!Copy !req
352. It's not my job to empty the bins.Copy !req
353. I'm an accountant,
not a bloody cleaner.Copy !req
354. Right.Copy !req
355. Have you spoken to the Inland
Revenue? What's the latest?Copy !req
356. Yes. They are not pressing charges.Copy !req
357. They don't think it's fraud.
I've told them you didn't know
what you were doing.Copy !req
358. It's you who didn't know what
he was doing. You're my accountant.Copy !req
359. You're supposed to tell me
if I owe tax. Yeah, I know, but...Copy !req
360. The original figure they said I owed
was 250,000. Where are we now?Copy !req
361. Well, I was cheeky, I said,
"he won't do it again,"Copy !req
362. there was a bit of back and forth,Copy !req
363. and the figure I arrived at
was £50,000.Copy !req
364. £50,000? That's great!Copy !req
365. Wait, no. They said no to that.Copy !req
366. A very definite no.Copy !req
367. So what was the figure
you agreed on?Copy !req
368. £250,000.Copy !req
369. That's what they wanted to start
with! Yes, but...Copy !req
370. That's not negotiating!
You just agreed with them!Copy !req
371. But the tax people
know what they're talking about.Copy !req
372. They understand your accounts
better than me.Copy !req
373. I'm not going to argue with them.Copy !req
374. You're supposed to argue!
And piss off the Inland Revenue?Copy !req
375. I've got other clients to think of,
better clients.Copy !req
376. I don't want them tarred
by your bloody mistakes.Copy !req
377. That you made. Yeah, exactly!Copy !req
378. 'I've known Eric
for about 25 years now.'Copy !req
379. He wanted to be a top accountant.
I wanted to be a Hollywood star.Copy !req
380. I have to earn £250,000 by January?Copy !req
381. More actually,Copy !req
382. cos you have to pay 40% tax
on what you earn, so...Copy !req
383. I never realised, back then, what
a poor accountant he would become.Copy !req
384. Hang on, I'm confused, sorry.Copy !req
385. Am I being thick? No, no,
it is confusing,Copy !req
386. tax, percentages and everything,Copy !req
387. I always get stuff wrong.
I get letters!Copy !req
388. And the smell makes it hard
to concentrate, to be honest.Copy !req
389. He really is shit at it.Copy !req
390. How much do I need to earn?Copy !req
391. Let's have a look. 250,000Copy !req
392. times...Copy !req
393. CALCULATOR WHIRRSCopy !req
394. Oop! Er, times...Copy !req
395. Does this do percentages?Copy !req
396. It should do. Where is it?
Ah, there.Copy !req
397. Now, do I press times percentage?Copy !req
398. 'If he wasn't a mate, I'd have
fired him 24 years ago, but...'Copy !req
399. 250,000...Copy !req
400. 'He is a mate,
and I can't fire him.'Copy !req
401. Is 0.4 the same? Isn't that
like saying 40% of something?Copy !req
402. 'In fact, he's more like a stray dog
than a mate'Copy !req
403. cos I've been feeding him
for so long,Copy !req
404. you know, I can't stop now,Copy !req
405. cos if I do,
I know he'll just sit outsideCopy !req
406. waiting, and... and starve to death.Copy !req
407. Pounds.Copy !req
408. Then pay the tax on that.Copy !req
409. Um... pay off the 250 grand,Copy !req
410. and you'll be left with... £20,000.Copy !req
411. I'd have 20 grand?
I can live on that,Copy !req
412. that's not so bad... Hang on.Copy !req
413. Didn't higher rate tax go up
from 40% to 50% in the UK recently?Copy !req
414. Gee, ohh...Copy !req
415. Ohhh...Copy !req
416. Wuh-wuh-buh-buh-buh...Copy !req
417. Can I ask you something, Warwick?Copy !req
418. How do you keep
getting into this office?Copy !req
419. 'The great thing about being friends
with influential peopleCopy !req
420. 'is that through them, you get
to meet other influential people.'Copy !req
421. I mean if either of you,
or both, could come along,Copy !req
422. it'd really help. I can't...Copy !req
423. 'That's how this business operates.
It's all about networking.'Copy !req
424. You'd enjoy it.
I wouldn't, trust me.Copy !req
425. BUZZER RINGS
Warwick, you've got to go.Copy !req
426. Hello? 'It's Liam Neeson.'Copy !req
427. Come in. I've worked with him. OK,
but you've got to go. Sorry, guys.Copy !req
428. I could just...Copy !req
429. There is he. Hello!Copy !req
430. Hi. That's Warwick, he's just going.Copy !req
431. Hiya. We worked together
on Star Wars, Phantom Menace.Copy !req
432. Oh yeah? We had a scene together.Copy !req
433. It was cut, though. Remember? OK.Copy !req
434. Thanks for seeing me.Copy !req
435. I'm here because
I'm thinking of, uh,Copy !req
436. I'm thinking of doing some comedy.Copy !req
437. Oh, right like a comedy movie?Copy !req
438. No, on stage.Copy !req
439. Stand-up comedy,
live comedy of some kind.Copy !req
440. Wow!Copy !req
441. I'm a funny guy - aren't I?Copy !req
442. I'm funny, right?Copy !req
443. Yeah.Copy !req
444. Definitely.Copy !req
445. Here's some of the stuff
I'd like to work on.Copy !req
446. Improv, stand-up comedy,Copy !req
447. funny monologues,Copy !req
448. crazy characters, sketches,Copy !req
449. slapstick, anecdotes, parody, yeah?Copy !req
450. Yeah.Copy !req
451. You notice this list, huh?
I'm always making lists.Copy !req
452. Oh, right.Copy !req
453. In fact, that's probably why
Steven Spielberg cast meCopy !req
454. as Oskar Schindler
in Schindler's List.Copy !req
455. I said, "Steven,
I make lists all the time."Copy !req
456. And he said, "That's
exactly what I'm looking for."Copy !req
457. What? What's funny?Copy !req
458. Sorry, I thought you were jokingCopy !req
459. about being cast as Schindler
cos you made lists.Copy !req
460. No.Copy !req
461. As an actor,
you need stuff to draw on,Copy !req
462. and I drew on that.Copy !req
463. OK. Wow.Copy !req
464. OK, let's do some
improvisational comedy.Copy !req
465. I can't now, Liam. It's a bad time...Copy !req
466. Let's do some
improvisational comedy, now.Copy !req
467. OK...Copy !req
468. Give us a scenario, Warwick.Copy !req
469. Um, right, OK, er...Copy !req
470. You're a hypochondriac
and Ricky's a doctor.Copy !req
471. Excellent.Copy !req
472. OK.Copy !req
473. Knock knock. Come in.Copy !req
474. Hello. Oh no, not you again!Copy !req
475. I've never been here before.Copy !req
476. Sorry, I thought...Copy !req
477. as you're a hypochondriac, you'd
have been to the doctor before.Copy !req
478. Don't presume. That's a backstory
we didn't agree on beforehand.Copy !req
479. No, I know,Copy !req
480. but that's improv, you go
with the flow. I don't take notes.Copy !req
481. OK.Copy !req
482. Can we go again, because
you ruined that? Sorry.Copy !req
483. Knock knock. Come in.Copy !req
484. Hi. Hi, how's it going?
What seems to be the problem?Copy !req
485. I've contracted AIDS.Copy !req
486. How did you get that?
From an African prostitute.Copy !req
487. I'm... I'm riddled with it.Copy !req
488. The prostitute's from
an African country that's,Copy !req
489. that's ravaged by starvation, so...Copy !req
490. so selling her body was the only
financial recourse she had left.Copy !req
491. Do you mind if I interject? Go on.Copy !req
492. I think it's getting quite heavy,
this sketch,Copy !req
493. and I just wonder if perhaps,
just for the sake of comedy,Copy !req
494. you might not want to have
contracted AIDsCopy !req
495. from an African prostitute. Just...Copy !req
496. OK.Copy !req
497. All right.Copy !req
498. Knock knock.Copy !req
499. Come in.Copy !req
500. Hi. Hi,
what seems to be the problem?Copy !req
501. As I said before,
I've got full-blown AIDS. Right.Copy !req
502. Do you want to know how I got it?
Sure.Copy !req
503. From a well known homosexual actor.Copy !req
504. Wow. OK.Copy !req
505. It was.
(BLEEP)Copy !req
506. I wouldn't say the name, cos of...Copy !req
507. I got it from an unspecific actor.Copy !req
508. Does he know he has AIDS?
Who, (BLEEP)?Copy !req
509. Again, sorry, I just wouldn't
name them. And also, I just thinkCopy !req
510. AIDS is, as I've said before, just
a really heavy subject for comedy.Copy !req
511. Ah. OK.Copy !req
512. Hmm.Copy !req
513. I could have bowel cancer.Copy !req
514. Yeah,Copy !req
515. cancer though, and AIDS, and famine,Copy !req
516. aren't really subjects for comedy.
How does he get away with it, then?Copy !req
517. We don't know.Copy !req
518. We shouldn't have a doctor
in the sketchCopy !req
519. if I can't talk about AIDS. OK.Copy !req
520. Any suggestions?Copy !req
521. Oh, um... you're a greengrocerCopy !req
522. and Ricky comes in to complain.Copy !req
523. I've played Rob Roy MacGregor,
Michael Collins, Oskar Schindler,Copy !req
524. Zeus, for God's sake.Copy !req
525. No-one will believe me as a grocer.
Change your accent.Copy !req
526. Lots of actors do it. He doesn't.
How does he get away with it?Copy !req
527. Again, we don't know.Copy !req
528. Let's just do our own accents
and get this done, shall we?Copy !req
529. OK, greengrocer.Copy !req
530. Tring!Copy !req
531. We're closed.Copy !req
532. I think the shop has to be open
for us to do the sketch. OK. Sorry.Copy !req
533. Tring!Copy !req
534. Yes?Copy !req
535. Um, I'd like to make a complaint.Copy !req
536. I bought some fruit yesterday. When
I got home, some of it was rotten.Copy !req
537. That's not my fault.Copy !req
538. Well, it's your shop and it was sold
on your premises, so...Copy !req
539. Uh-uh. I wasn't here.Copy !req
540. Doesn't matter, you've got to...
I was at the doctor's. OK.Copy !req
541. I've got AIDS.
Thought you might have.Copy !req
542. Yep, that's it, that's really good.Copy !req
543. Yeah. You're going to storm it, boy.Copy !req
544. OK, brilliant,
good luck with that. Well done.Copy !req
545. Don't forget your little list. Yeah.Copy !req
546. You're off as well,
aren't you, Warwick?Copy !req
547. Oh, yeah, yeah. OK, see you guys.Copy !req
548. OK. All right. Cheers.Copy !req
549. Everything that happens,
happens for a reason.Copy !req
550. Some things are sent to test you.Copy !req
551. I'm not the sort of bloke
who lives in the past, who goes,Copy !req
552. "Oh, I wish it was still the 1980s,
those were the glory days.Copy !req
553. I was doing Willow, Return of
the Jedi, work was rolling in."Copy !req
554. I'm not like that.Copy !req
555. I'm going to list all the positives.Copy !req
556. I'm not destitute,Copy !req
557. not a drug addict,Copy !req
558. not riddled with AIDS.Copy !req
559. And there was a chance
of catching that in the '80S,Copy !req
560. from a woman.Copy !req
561. Right? If I'd caught it from anyone
it would have been a woman.Copy !req
562. But, to be honest, I wasn't
really shagging in the '80s.Copy !req
563. In the '90sCopy !req
564. I dipped my wick a few times,Copy !req
565. so watch this space.Copy !req
566. Plenty more wick dipping to come.Copy !req
567. In women. Just want
to make that totally clear.Copy !req
568. I'm not a homosexual.Copy !req
569. So, where are you staying?Copy !req
570. Just probably a guest house.Copy !req
571. You got everything?Copy !req
572. Yeah. You got your special shampoo?Copy !req
573. Yes.Copy !req
574. Don't worry,
it's almost cleared up anyway.Copy !req
575. So, yeah.Copy !req
576. OK, well, bye.Copy !req
577. See you. See you.Copy !req
578. Lovely day.Copy !req
579. Do you want to go
into the toilet with me?Copy !req
580. You getting all this? Fuck off!Copy !req
581. Would you be guest of honour
at our wedding?Copy !req
582. Do you believe in aliens?Copy !req
583. Be grateful the phone doesn't ring.
It might be Sting.Copy !req
584. His real name's Gordon!Copy !req
585. You're a disgusting little creature
and I want to squash you.Copy !req
586. He can't afford a solicitor.
I'm his accountant!Copy !req
587. Give me a kiss.Copy !req
588. Hmm...Copy !req
589. She's changed the locks!Copy !req
590. She's changed the back door too.Copy !req
591. What were you thinking?Copy !req
592. I was thinking,
I put over £400,000 into this houseCopy !req
593. and, er, the dog, bless it,Copy !req
594. has contributed very little
to the mortgage, yetCopy !req
595. it can come and go as it pleases.Copy !req
596. And I thought,
I'll have a bit of that.Copy !req