Letterkenny 3x2

1. You were fishing with your pals

2. the other day...

3. - Wayne. - Dary.

4. You should get yourself fuckin' Puppers.

5. I already got a fuckin' Puppers.

6. I know you're still spittin'

7. about the shack gettin' trashed.

8. But if you don't tuck in that lip,

9. a bird's gonna come over here and poop right on it.

10. What do I say about talkin' too much, Dary?

11. The less you say now,

12. the less you have to apologize for later.

13. - Good. - All I'm saying is,

14. if you're gonna be poopy,

15. maybe go try fishing with somebody else.

16. What do I say about the old boss, Dary?

17. Old boss is always a dick till you meet the new one.

18. - Good. - Plus, I think,

19. the only other people out here fishing

20. are either Ginger or Boots,

21. who may not have fucked an ostrich

22. like everybody thinks they did.

23. Point and fuckin' proof.

24. You give good advice, Wayne.

25. Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

26. Oh, you're GD right is.

27. Let's just hope she doesn't go in one ear

28. and out the other, bud.

29. - Guess what? - Chicken butt.

30. - That's inappropriate, Dan. - Why?

31. Well, you were just out in the great wide open

32. but you wait till you come back in here

33. to drop your guts?

34. Now, just hold your horses, Wayne, for just one second.

35. I farted outside, too.

36. Oh, that is noisy, Dan.

37. Are you fuckin' serious with that turtleneck?

38. - Figure it out. - You figure it out.

39. Like, that's damn near doctor-assisted, Dan.

40. It's a little bit overripe,

41. but it's not like I'm falling aparts on the inside.

42. Do you wanna know what?

43. It's time we draw a line in the sand.

44. Or the snow, so to speak.

45. - On farts? - On farts!

46. The less you say now,

47. the less you have to apologize for later.

48. Good. But I've had it.

49. Let's get real here.

50. You rip an appropriate fart, we all have a giggle,

51. salute and pay tribute.

52. For a good time, Tim, Tom and Terrence.

53. But the inappropriate farts gotta go.

54. The inappropriate farts are turning us into

55. a bad time Tony, Todd and Tucker.

56. Oh, I can'ts wait.

57. And I mean this...

58. I can't wait to find out

59. what could possibly be deemed an inappropriates fart.

60. - Farting in here. - In here?

61. With the door closed, yeah. Tight quarters.

62. No airflow. Poor form.

63. But I'm with friends. That's who farts are for.

64. - Around food, too. - Around food?

65. Especially around people eating food.

66. That's fuckin' ignorant.

67. But I'm eatings, too.

68. That's when I'm rife with farts.

69. Okay, Dan. Dan, okay. Okay, Dan. Dan, okay.

70. Let's do an exercise here.

71. You're in a car, when's it okay to fart?

72. When you're alone.

73. One point for Dary.

74. It's always okay to fart when you're alone,

75. but 'cept when you're in elevators.

76. That's uncouth.

77. You're trying to rob me of my lifebloods here.

78. Or you can roll down the window.

79. Another point for Dary.

80. But the car must be traveling

81. a minimum of 60 kilometers an hour,

82. so that the fart may be aggressively vacuumed out

83. before penetrating nostrils.

84. This is literally all I have going for me.

85. If you ask permission?

86. Hmm...

87. Well, safe to say,

88. if you have to ask for permission

89. it's an inappropriate fart,

90. but I'll still give you a half a point.

91. The cheekiness.

92. The indecencys of it.

93. It's downright abusives, is what it is!

94. Hey.

95. Is that any way to talk to a guy

96. with two and a half points?

97. Get this guy a fuckin' Puppers.

98. You wanna know what?

99. If you needs me,

100. I'm gonna be outsides...

101. Farting appropriately!

102. How cold is it out there tonight?

103. Minus 40 with the wind chill.

104. Old boss is always a dick till you meet the new one.

105. Good.

106. All right, you fuckin' pheasants...

107. All right, you fuckin' pheasants!

108. Coach.

109. Players-only meeting.

110. I'm so sorry.

111. All right, you fuckin' pheasants.

112. Now, we love being the biggest Pantene pros in the league,

113. but we want some wins.

114. We love being the silkiest studs,

115. but no W's is embarrassing.

116. I mean, I buried a one-timer,

117. a backhand-clapper-top cheese last night, boys.

118. But who cares? No W.

119. I buried a knee-down half-clapper

120. from the goal line.

121. Big whoop. No W.

122. And if we want some wins in this room,

123. we gotta get the puck bunny out of it.

124. What's a puck bunny, you little bitch?

125. You don't know what a puck bunny is?

126. Not sure I'm familiar with the term either, Barts.

127. Okay.

128. Whereas musicians have groupies,

129. hockey players have puck bunnies.

130. - Hmm. - Right?

131. - Yeah. - Right? Get it?

132. I think I understand.

133. A puck bunny is someone who seeks a relationship

134. with hockey players, specifically.

135. Seeks to fuck them. Yes.

136. - I have no problem with that. - Right.

137. Unless the puck bunny is getting in the way of wins.

138. Any puck bunnies

139. getting in the way of W's come to mind?

140. I once tongue-kissed a woman in line for the beer gardens

141. at a dragon boat race,

142. after she said she liked my team jacket.

143. But I don't think she was a puck bunny.

144. You little bitch.

145. Yorkie?

146. I once open-mouth first-based a woman

147. I delivered a gourmet coffee gift card to,

148. after she won at a team fundraiser raffle draw.

149. I don't think she was a puck bunny.

150. Scholtzy?

151. I once got an over-the-pants handy

152. in the back seat of a Pontiac Bonneville,

153. during a drive-in screening of Slap Shot.

154. But I don't think she was a puck bunny.

155. Pussy. Fisky?

156. I once got a rig-friggin' gherkin-slurpin'

157. behind a gumball machine at a bubble hockey tournament,

158. but I don't think she was a puck bunny.

159. Boomtown?

160. I once accidentally shit my pants

161. while masturbating in 2010,

162. when Crosby scored an OT to win gold,

163. while I was simultaneously mid-orgasm.

164. There was no one else there.

165. But don't you think that's a good story?

166. Right, I'm just gonna go ahead and spell this

167. right the fuck out for you, boys.

168. The girl that you're all in love with,

169. she's a puck bunny.

170. You better not be talking about

171. my little Angie-bojangles, you little bitch.

172. Yorkie?

173. She's my wittle Angie-bo-peepers,

174. so sweet when she sleepers, Barts.

175. But still.

176. They better not be talking about her.

177. Scholtzy?

178. Angie gives me butterflies

179. in my wittle bread baskety-wasket.

180. Pussy. Fisky?

181. It's the little things she does,

182. giving me kisses at night when she thinks I'm asleep,

183. but I'm not.

184. So soopiddy-wooper cute.

185. Poopiddy-boopity-woo-woo.

186. Boomtown?

187. No one acknowledged my story from 2010.

188. Maybe I've said too much.

189. I'm feelin' insecure!

190. Barts. Yorkie. Scholtzy. Boomtown.

191. Fisky. Let's get some appys.

192. You're tearing us apart!

193. Hey! We need to talk.

194. Hey, bud. Sick dangles last weekend.

195. Mix in a W, but still...

196. - Unreal roadie for the boys. - Listen...

197. You too, bud.

198. Silky, silky mitts last weekend.

199. Loved that knee-down half-clapper.

200. Unreal.

201. What did you want to talk about, bud?

202. - Nothing. - Sicky.

203. - What about you, bud? - Nothing.

204. Unreal.

205. Well, I'm gonna go crush a sando.

206. Appys a hundy P, boys.

207. - Oh, I hate that.

208. She's speaking puck bunny, bro.

209. Aw, God, girls who don't play hockey

210. should not talk like hockey players, bud.

211. No. Hey! Girls who don't play hockey,

212. stop talking like hockey players.

213. Why would girls think we like that, bud?

214. We fuckin' hate that!

215. Ah, man, we might be waxed here, bud.

216. I mean, I want W's, but I can't talk to her.

217. I can't do it. I'll fucking pop.

218. I'm with you, bro.

219. I was already starting to snap-crackle.

220. Unless...

221. We find someone who can talk to her.

222. Unless...

223. We find someone who can speak puck bunny.

224. You thinking what I'm thinking?

225. - Ferda. - Ferda.

226. We gotta move fast, buddy.

227. - Smoke bomb. - Ninja dust!

228. - Well, where were you? - Diggin' out your sled.

229. Thanks, big brother.

230. Don't say I never done nothin' for you.

231. - Inappropriate. - Whys?

232. 'Cause you're not exposed to fart in front of girls.

233. - True story. - You're suffocatings me.

234. That's a two-way street.

235. Hey, oh!

236. All right. Let's focus on the shack.

237. How we gonna fuck this pig?

238. Step ones. We figure out who dids it.

239. Well, I sent Shep and Kingsley

240. to take photos of the damage in the daylight.

241. Photos?

242. They're on here.

243. Sorry if my big fat thumb was in the way of some of them.

244. Hope so.

245. It'll hide my big fat chunky butt.

246. I fuckin' know these dudes do pot.

247. Guys...

248. If I was part of a religious community of men,

249. I'd be a Tibetan chunk.

250. If I was an Adam Sandler movie,

251. I'd be Punch-Chunk Love.

252. Like, you know it's more than sugar cereal.

253. Enough.

254. If I was an American rapper-DJ,

255. I'd be Chunkmaster Flex.

256. If I was an animated pop-music tribute trio,

257. I'd be Alvin and the Chip-Chunks.

258. Guys!

259. Go upstairs. Stay there.

260. You've outdone yourself this time, kiddo.

261. Shut up. They are perks.

262. Stimulatings conversations?

263. Well, they're stimulating, all right.

264. - Huh? - Nothing!

265. Photos.

266. Oh, God.

267. Well, what's the scoop, super chief?

268. Oh, it's degens from up country all right.

269. How do you know?

270. All the different patches of yellow snows.

271. Degens loves pissing outdoors.

272. - Fuckin' degens. Mmm, Dan's right.

273. See that spatter of blood right there?

274. That's from a bloody nose.

275. Degens always got their finger up their nose.

276. I fuckin' hate degens from up country so much.

277. You know, Jivin' Pete's been hanging out

278. with those dudes too.

279. Hmm.

280. Does it feel like we're spending a lot of time

281. dealin' with degens?

282. You know, it does kind of feel like sometimes

283. you just wake up in the morning

284. and start dealing with degens from up country, doesn't it?

285. Only way to handles 'em.

286. We'll find 'em, beat the shit out of them.

287. 10-4, good buddies.

288. Guys, what did I say?

289. It's just, can we have the photos back?

290. We want to use them for our portfolios.

291. Put a fuckin' shirt on!

292. Pitter-Patter!

293. We knocked twice, but nobody answered.

294. Frick and Frack?

295. Come in.

296. - Hi, Katy-Kat. - Hey, Katy-Kat.

297. Pete and Repeat. Hola.

298. You look great.

299. Aw, you trying make this old goat's day?

300. - I really like your hair, too. - Tick-tock.

301. Um, we need a favor.

302. - Ferda. - Okay.

303. There's a puck bunny.

304. So, the boys are getting laid.

305. A bad kind of puck bunny.

306. So, a lot of the boys are getting laid.

307. - She's divided the room. - I bet she divides in a room.

308. And we want W's, so...

309. - So, she's gotta go. Yes!

310. - Players only meeting. - Yeah, we tried that.

311. - Boys aren't really receptive. - Mmm.

312. She's a clever little bunny.

313. We tried also talking to her too, but...

314. - She speaks puck bunny and...

315. And what?

316. - She drives us mental, boys. - We can't hang.

317. Like, girls who don't play hockey

318. shouldn't talk like hockey players, boys.

319. We fucking hate that.

320. I should've packed a lunch for this.

321. We need somebody who speaks puck bunny.

322. We were hoping, you could speak puck bunny to her.

323. For us.

324. - Ferda W's. - Ferda.

325. Okay, I used to speak puck bunny.

326. Forgot most of it.

327. It's kind of one of those languages

328. you need to really immerse yourself in to master.

329. Let's see if I can remember some.

330. Don't judge my accent.

331. - Sick mitts, bud. - Oh, that's good.

332. - Mix in a water. Unreal. - That's really good.

333. Wheel snipe, celly, boys.

334. Dirty fuckin' dangles, boys!

335. - That's really good. - You nailed it.

336. Not my pig, not my farm.

337. Plus, this girl sounds like she rolls.

338. I should meet her one day. Adios.

339. Well, you have met her already though.

340. - I have? - Yeah, Angie.

341. The Angie?

342. Yes.

343. In.

344. Look at this mess!

345. Look at all the dirty butt-filled cans.

346. Degenerates.

347. Bet that's not your first dirty butt fill.

348. - Inappropriate. - Why?

349. Uh, Joint Boy's right in the line of fire there.

350. Somebody likes some Montreal steak spice

351. in their tomato soup.

352. - Well, McMurray... - How're ya now?

353. - Not so bad... - That's...

354. - I'm good, and... - Well...

355. - Are we gonna do... - Whatever...

356. - So, every time... - Every time we do this...

357. We're gonna...

358. - McMurray! - What?

359. Now, no one likes beatin' up degens more than you,

360. so we figured we'd give you a dang.

361. Tyson, Joint Boy,

362. youse helped us put up the shack,

363. so only makes sense you help us defend it.

364. Now, they got us on the weekend.

365. We should nip this in the bud now,

366. before they get the rest of Letterkenny.

367. Well, that's all fine and dandy, Wayne,

368. but I had to hire a hand to do the chores in my absence.

369. You'll have to cover his wages.

370. Same. I'm on nights right now. That's double time.

371. You should try EI.

372. Fuckin' degens from up country.

373. It's costing us money to beat the shit out of these degens.

374. Wells, if we wants to beats the shits out of 'em so bad

375. that they nevers come backs, we're gonna need these guys.

376. You know degens, they always come back.

377. See, they're always coming back, is the thing.

378. Pitter-Patter.

379. Bought and paid for, for fuck sake. Dary.

380. We're gonna advertise a party for degens,

381. egg huckers, nose pickers, mailbox ruiners.

382. And what we're gonna do is hide in degen blinds,

383. which are very similar to deer blinds.

384. And we are gonna put one right here.

385. And over there, and there, and here.

386. And that way, when the degens

387. come rolling up on their sleds,

388. we jump out of those degen blinds,

389. and beat the shit out of them.

390. Well, that's a good idea, Dary, except it's Tuesday.

391. It sounds more like a Friday night thing,

392. or even a Saturday night thing,

393. or even a Sunday thing if you're squirrelly.

394. Can't forget, of course, thirsty Thursdays.

395. It's fuckin' Tuesday.

396. I'd have a gagger right now.

397. Now, I'm no American sniper style trouble-shooter,

398. but I'd say the next step is to discuss a stronger lure

399. to get them out here.

400. Well, whats do degens loves?

401. Well, besides nose-pickin', pissin' outside, nothing.

402. Well, there are many things

403. that if you were to watch the evening news,

404. you would stop and say to yourself,

405. "What a fuckin' degenerate son of a bitch."

406. I would say at the top of the list would probably be...

407. Racists.

408. God damn right. Racists is definitely degens.

409. That's right, big hoss. Exactly.

410. So, here's what we could do.

411. Now, hear me out, just hear me out.

412. What we could do is we advertise a party

413. for ethnicities out here at the shack.

414. And we could use the ethnicities to lure out

415. the degens that we wants to beat the shits out of.

416. Fuck sakes, that's off-sides.

417. Well, you didn't let me finish, Boss Hogg.

418. So, what we could do, okay,

419. is once we bring the ethnicities out here,

420. we could beat up the degens

421. before they could try to beat up the ethnicities.

422. You're still walkin' a super fine line there, big chief.

423. You didn't let me finish.

424. See, what we can do now,

425. is have the ethnicities help us beat up the degens

426. like some kind of fantasy revenge

427. of love of ass-whooping.

428. I guess I've seen that in a Quentin Tarantino film

429. one or three times.

430. Abort.

431. There is that one thing you see in the news

432. and immediately think, "What a fuckin' degenerate."

433. - Well, to be fair... - To be fair...

434. - To be fair... - To be fair...

435. There's more than a couple of things.

436. - Homophobists. - Yeah.

437. Yeah, no. Homophobes is definitely degens.

438. You mean, like gay-bashing.

439. - That's the one. - That's the worst.

440. Yeah, you're right. That is so gay.

441. Wait, that there is homophobics.

442. Who is?

443. The less you say now,

444. the less you have to apologize for later.

445. Good.

446. You see, Professor Tricia from my women's studies class

447. teaches us that homophobia

448. is not just condemning homosexualitys,

449. but it's also not using

450. the appropriate and preferred terms

451. what homosexuals likes to be called by.

452. Yeah, but they call themselves twinks sometimes.

453. Like, I'd be offended by that.

454. I might be offended by that, too.

455. You see, where I'm from,

456. sometimes when people think things are dumb or stupid,

457. they just say that it's gay.

458. Yeah, but you're not exposed to say that anymore.

459. Are you a homophobes?

460. No.

461. Well, 'cause what you said was definitely homophobics.

462. Fucks this is a lot of work.

463. Hmm. It's like pickin' stones and doin' hay all at once.

464. Fuckin' degens.

465. I'm pretty sure you're a homophobist.

466. I beat the shit out of you one time for beating up a gay.

467. Yeah, I didn't know he was gay.

468. He called me a fag.

469. Well, this certainly has come full circle.

470. Yeah, see,

471. but youse being offendeds at being calleds a fag,

472. is also technically homophobics.

473. I'm gonna take a fuckin' migraine here.

474. Well, see, where I'm from...

475. We all knows where youse comes from, McMurray,

476. but times they are a changin'.

477. I think we can all agree here

478. that homophobists are degenerates.

479. You call the rest a misunderstanding.

480. Call it a fuckin' day here.

481. Ah, you had good intentions.

482. Well, wait, just so I understand here,

483. using gays to lure degens out here

484. is just as bad, if not worse,

485. than using ethnicities to lure degens out here

486. that we wants to beats the shit out of?

487. Christ sake.

488. And Tyson didn't even say

489. that the gays would help us beat up the degens,

490. where the ethnicities would.

491. So, I think it's obvious here, boys,

492. my idea has a clear edge.

493. Mmm, I think it's quite obvious

494. that using human lures is pretty extreme.

495. I'd really likes for you to meet Professor Tricia.

496. Okay, so using gays is homophobic.

497. Tip of the iceberg, bud.

498. What about, fake gays?

499. Well, what's a fake gays?

500. Well, someone who may appear to be gay,

501. but is not actually gay.

502. And therefore, it would not be gay-bashing.

503. Well, yes, you'd wanna avoid a hate crime if you could.

504. So, you wants to use fake gays to lures the degens?

505. Perhaps.

506. Okay, listen.

507. Just so long as everyone's heard my messages

508. loud and clears...

509. I thinks I can lives with that.

510. Okay. This has been very diplomatic and rational.

511. I think the next step in the order of business here,

512. would be to go and find some fake gays

513. for these degenerates to beat up.

514. I know where to look.

515. Put a fuckin' shirt on.

516. Barts. Yorkie. Schultzy. Fisky...

517. - Katy? - Hey, bud.

518. Hey, bud.

519. The boys are supposed to have just dusted praccy.

520. Aw, two-a-days. They're on dry land now.

521. - Unreal. - Hundy P.

522. Been wheelin'?

523. Been turnin' on the jets, yeah.

524. Some notches on the bed post?

525. - I've been notching. - Hashtag notch or die.

526. - Eat. Sleep. Notch. - Who?

527. Been making my way up the roster.

528. - A full roster? - No call-ups, obviously.

529. Yeah, of course. They're not even schmelts yet.

530. And not Reilly and Jonesy.

531. I'd never touch them.

532. I'd never want to piss you off.

533. About that.

534. Yeah?

535. Do you remember when you cheated on my brother?

536. - Yeah. - And I went around town

537. telling everyone that I was going to get you?

538. Yeah.

539. But then you left town, so I couldn't.

540. Couldn't what?

541. Get you.

542. Yeah.

543. I guess, I could still...

544. Get you.

545. Yeah.

546. Stay away from this dressing room.

547. - Yeah. - And all the players in it.

548. Yeah.

549. Especially Reilly and Jonesy.

550. Yeah.

551. And one more thing.

552. Yeah?

553. Open your eyes.

554. - Fuckin' get after it then.

555. Hey, big brother.

556. Good and you?

557. Don't say I never done nothin' for ya.

558. Konnichiwa.

559. You are an embarrassment, Devon.

560. For shame, Devon!

561. A girl!

562. You know, not to bitch and complain...

563. Not to piss and moan...

564. It's a lot of work, these fuckin' degens, I know.

565. Figures you have to look at the checklist.

566. Advertised for a gay party?

567. We really need some sort of bar in this town.

568. Or homosexual. Or queers.

569. You know, however they choose to be identified.

570. Check. Recruited fake gays.

571. - God, those guys are pansies. - Check.

572. Tidied up the area in and around the shack

573. to make it look presentable for a fake gay party.

574. - Took all goddamn day, but... - Check.

575. Constructed degen blinds,

576. so that we may hide out and wait for the degens

577. to try and ambush the fake gay party.

578. - Fucks it cold. - Check.

579. Paid Tyson and McMurray their wages,

580. so as to help us beat the shit out of the degens.

581. Fuckin' degens.

582. Check.

583. You should really try EI.

584. Right, then we're ready to get this rig rollin'.

585. Not a moment too soon. Here they come.

586. Okay, everybody into their degen blind.

587. When the motion sensor light bulb comes on,

588. time to jump out and beat the shit out of the degens.

589. Thank Christ.

590. 'Cause if there was even one more chore,

591. I mean, even one more chore involved

592. in beating the shit out of degens from up country,

593. I'd be pulling the chute.

594. Okay, gonna need to replace the light bulb

595. on the motion sensor light.

596. No!

597. Oh, hot Jimmy...

598. My farmhand just texted me and said he's got the scoots,

599. he's gotta go home.

600. Means I gotta go chorin' boys.

601. McMurray, tell him to drop trou' in the gutter

602. like a real man.

603. Be the boss, McMurray.

604. Oh, I don't wanna be a dick. What if he shits himself?

605. Old boss is always a dick till you meet the new one.

606. - Good. - Shit!

607. Boss needs me to come in. It's an emergency.

608. Yeah, the wheels are falling off here, good buddy.

609. Well, we needs Tyson and McMurray,

610. there's gonna be a baker's dozen sleds

611. coming around the corner,

612. and we are way the fucks outnumbered.

613. Wanna know what?

614. All this work involved in luring these degens out here,

615. all these fuckin' chores...

616. Fuckin' cold.

617. We bring these shirtless nut sacs out here

618. to be fake gay dudes...

619. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

620. Yeah, there's something wrong.

621. I don't know what it is, or why, but there is.

622. It's not quite sexist,

623. but it's not quite homophobist.

624. It's something though. I know it is.

625. It's not PCs, that's for damn sures.

626. I'm just thinking, all this work luring them out,

627. wouldn't the more efficient thing be to repel them?

628. That's a Texas-sized 10-4!

629. I'm farting!

630. Appropriate!

631. Well, I could always stay

632. to just kick the shit out of them

633. just 'cause they're here.

634. And then I have to leave right away, right after,

635. to get back to chorin'.

636. Fuck! Same.

637. - EI, boys. Well, yeah.

638. Like, we're already out here. We're already set up.

639. We'll beat the shit out of them before chorin'.

640. Well, maybe next time we'll just try to repels them.

641. Well, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

642. Well, what could we put out here

643. that would make sure that nobody ever came out here

644. for anything ever?

645. I know where to look!

646. It had to have been a sick ostrich.