Letterkenny 1x6

Directed by Jacob Tierney

Lisa Codrington as Gail • Kaniehtiio Horn as Tanis • Daniel Lepage as The Rookie • Keenen Kokoko as Young Native Boy • Joel Labelle as Native Tough #1 • Mark Forward as Coach

The town descends into a revenge-fueled brawl, thanks to the Skids and their shady business practices. It's an old-fashioned donnybrook.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. A pack of coyotes come right up the back porch the other night,

2. 'cause your dog's in heat and you know those fuckin' yellow eyed bastards

3. will go right through the screen door if they're horny.

4. Look like you're goin' to a formal with that top button done up to 11.

5. Oh, it's not like I'm gonna be one of those nut sacks,

6. sitting around getting sucked on by skeeters all day.

7. Come off it.

8. Well. Pitter patter. Let's get at 'er.

9. Sixty bucks per dead coyote ain't gonna collect itselfs.

10. I think I'll have a bumper dump before we get started.

11. Oh, I don't give a care.

12. You ever had a bumper dump?

13. It's not polite to talk about.

14. Though I do gotta piss goddamn bad.

15. When you have a dump,

16. leaning up against the back of the bumper of your machine.

17. So, it's pretty near like it sounds then.

18. You ever have a stump hump?

19. You know, I think I did, but...

20. I can't remember.

21. It's when you have sex... With a girl?

22. Yeah, with a girl.

23. Bent over a stump of a tree.

24. My friend said he had sex inside a hollowed log one time and I thought,

25. "Why, I bet Fred Penner pulled that off one time, too."

26. This right here, perfect stump for a stump hump.

27. I should say.

28. Wayne? Dary.

29. Come over here and join me for a sec.

30. Oh, well fuckin'...

31. Like fuckin' why?

32. It appears somebody's been growing marijuana in your back bush.

33. You left the barn door open after chores one time

34. and your dad thought you were stoned.

35. But you haven't smoked the electric lettuce since grade eight.

36. That's a mitt full of Johnny Red Eye, all right.

37. I think it's only appropriate we call the cops.

38. Just take about 20% off 'er over there, mixed berry.

39. Don't be such a sally.

40. You know how much shit needs doin' around here?

41. Well, shit needs so much doin' really...

42. The produce stand is a fuckin' shanty.

43. If we sell this stuff, we can make thousands.

44. I know a guy on the reserve.

45. I don't know. Why not?

46. It's 'cause... Just kidding. We don't give a fuck.

47. If the cops come around here, people will talk.

48. Don't want people talkin'.

49. Call your guy. (SMIRKS)

50. Hello, Tanis.

51. You know the deal. Personal use only.

52. If I hear about yous turning around and selling them,

53. and I will hear about it,

54. we're gonna have a hell of a problem.

55. Here's your smokes.

56. Dime a dart.

57. Dime a dart.

58. Buck a dart. Buck a dart.

59. They're fuckin' ya. Buck a dart.

60. Buck a dart.

61. They're fuckin' us.

62. I've got some photos here. Of the goins' on.

63. You gonna be upset if you keep scrolling to the left, dog.

64. You gonna see some shit that you don't wanna see.

65. This is a big crop.

66. Whoever planted it,

67. has done a lot of sneaking around and maintaining it so well.

68. We're busy enough keeping the worm pickers off the property.

69. There's nothing like good outdoor grown.

70. It's 5k worth and ready for harvesting.

71. You pull it out of the ground,

72. I'll pick it up.

73. Cash deal.

74. Deal.

75. Who is this?

76. That's Tanis, my daughter.

77. Should say estranged, I suppose.

78. What's so stranged about her?

79. I'll tell you, if you find yourselves in her way,

80. you oughtta swiftly get out of it.

81. Give me a minute.

82. So, how about it, boys?

83. Can always count on old Katy-Kat.

84. You delivered. I'll give you that.

85. But what type of prick doesn't stand up and shake another man's hand?

86. About Tanis...

87. What about her?

88. I think I'm sweet on her.

89. Yeah? What for, Dary?

90. What for... Dary, you don't need to explain.

91. She makes your dick hard, get after it.

92. We'll worry about that later.

93. Work on the produce stand starts today.

94. Still waiting for you to say... Thank you.

95. For being a d-jen with a drug dealer.

96. Now, if you ever hit me and I find out about it...

97. (GAGS) That's good, Jonesy.

98. No more kids table with the big boy moves like that, huh?

99. You guys ready to play like big boys yet, huh?

100. Maybe pick out your own outfits in the morning?

101. Make your own snacks?

102. Some solo back to school shopping?

103. It's fuckin' embarrassing!

104. Good news is,

105. Pee Wee secondary team just canceled their ice time.

106. I think we can make good use of it, huh?

107. Suit up, pheasants.

108. Another hour of the fun stuff on deck.

109. Might as well bring your puke buckets with ya.

110. You fuckin' newbies!

111. Hey, schmelt.

112. What the fuck's wrong with you?

113. Nothing, why?

114. Are you fucked up right now?

115. Me? Yes, you!

116. Are you on meth right now?

117. (WHISPERS) Oh, my God.

118. This is unsee 'er, bro.

119. Got that fuck, buddy.

120. If we don't fucking do it, no one else is going to.

121. The writing's on the wall, bro.

122. Hey, give your balls a tug you tit fucker.

123. Not the right time, Schwarzy!

124. How did this happen, bro?

125. We don't know any dusters that do meth and now the fuckin' rookie?

126. Well, we do know Stewart and Devon and all those skids.

127. But that's it, buddy.

128. You know, I heard that Ginger and Boots used to do that shit.

129. And look where it got them, schmelt!

130. My buddy Royze had a bad stint for a while, now that I think about it, buddy.

131. But that's cause Royze was hangin' out with Tolzy and that guy's a fuckin' pigeon.

132. My buddy Parkzy too. I guess Belzy was fucked up for a while.

133. And he got Welzy into it.

134. Yeah, Belzy and Welzy were doing it with Carzy and his billet sister.

135. Carzy and his billet sister got Colzy fucked up once.

136. Wait, isn't Colzy still fucked up, bro?

137. Only when he's with Kitzy and Burzy, bro.

138. Colzy is always with Kitzy and Burzy.

139. Well, Colzy, Kitzy and Burzy are always with Carzy and his billet sister, buddy.

140. Who are always with Belzy and Welzy.

141. Letterkenny is a meth town.

142. We're gonna go see the skids.

143. We're gonna go. We're gonna do it?

144. Do you wanna do it? You want one?

145. Let's do it! Give me one!

146. We're gonna have one. Give me it.

147. We're going. Let's go then!

148. Let's go!

149. Better buy all the smokes.

150. What is this? This is where I ruin your life.

151. Hang on... No, no, no. You hang on. All right?

152. Yous ripped me off. And I'm fuckin' pissed.

153. But... (SIGHS)

154. We can make it right. As un-PC as this market may be,

155. it's pretty lucrative, so...

156. If you sell the rest of the cigarettes at a buck a dart,

157. we get ninety cents, you get ten.

158. (LAUGHS) Deal.

159. Deal. No! No deal.

160. I spent all our money at that rave.

161. You're gonna step on some toes in any business venture. It's inevitable.

162. If we want to take this meth business to the next level,

163. we cannot part with any more coin.

164. Are you with me? Always.

165. Let's get this over with then.

166. You guys wanna dance? Let's do this.

167. We can do this, too.

168. Is that how you think this works?

169. You just take a beating and then we're square?

170. Bunch of basics.

171. Yous been watching the wrong movies, boys.

172. Mmm-mmm!

173. Pay attention. (CLEARS THROAT)

174. This isn't just about us anymore, all right?

175. This is about everyone now.

176. Your friends, your families...

177. Until we get paid, they all suffer.

178. Let's go.

179. Let the burning of Letterkenny begin.

180. Gotta say, fellas, this is coming together nicely.

181. I might actually spend some time out here now.

182. With some fuckin' clothes on?

183. Not my forte. Unfortunate.

184. You brings us sustenance while we are hard at work, Katy.

185. That's what I appreciates about you.

186. Is that what you appreciate about me?

187. Go easy, squirrely Dan. Thank you.

188. Your sister's hot, Wayne. There, I said it.

189. I said it! I regret nothing.

190. I regret nothing!

191. Too fat to run.

192. Fuckin' Stewart. Fuckin' skids.

193. Where the fuck is this kid? Fuckin' hate this kid.

194. Fuckin' wreck this kid. Fuckin' kill this kid.

195. No, no. Just get 'em.

196. Yeah. We'll hurt 'em.

197. Yeah. No, it's a metaphor.

198. Yeah, I get it. Yeah.

199. Hey, but then we're here for donnybrook, not him and his buddies, buddy.

200. Oh, fuck.

201. We don't necessarily need to wait for them to get here to wreck the meth lab, buddy.

202. We can just fuckin' wreck right now. True.

203. Dibs on Devon, bro.

204. Jonesy, I don't even wanna discuss dibs right now.

205. No discussion on dibs? Buddy, we'll fuckin' get 'em all.

206. Oh, yeah, okay, let's get 'em all.

207. Let's fucking do it, buddy.

208. It's already trashed.

209. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this, buddy.

210. Bit anti-climactic. Isn't it, buddy?

211. Yeah. (EXHALES)

212. Shit!

213. Wonder who smashed up his place, bro.

214. Fuckin' long hair don't care, bro.

215. We find the skids and have that fuckin' donnybrook, buddy.

216. Buckets off? Fuckin' rip over there and just conflict.

217. Fight. Injure. Kill.

218. Ball up and bang out, bud.

219. Bust on. Bust up. Download the scrap app.

220. Pugnacity. Truculence. Burkie.

221. Little squabble. Little quibble. Smackdown!

222. Spar. Spat. Schism.

223. We are at this level!

224. But we need to get to this level!

225. That's a lotta weed.

226. Sorry about what happened here.

227. Know about the beef?

228. What beef?

229. Between your meth pals and my daughter.

230. Two things. One,

231. no one who does meth is a pal of mine for fuck's sake.

232. Two, what are you talking about?

233. She was ripped off on a cigarette transaction by some fellas from Letterkenny.

234. And then?

235. She's owed money by someone from your town.

236. She's gonna make it everyone's problem.

237. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

238. Hope this serves as some sort of consolation.

239. Count it if you like.

240. She won't stop until she gets what's owed.

241. When Tanis comes back to collect, she won't be short staffed.

242. Us neither.

243. (CAR ENGINE STARTS) Fuckin' skids!

244. (SIGHS) Predictable!

245. Predictable!

246. Is this little soiree for us?

247. And you missed to a better one at the Ag Hall last weekend.

248. You should have come. You gave the rookie meth, idiot.

249. First one's free.

250. You fuckin' turned Letterkenny into a war zone.

251. Got us labeled as a meth town, idiot.

252. So, what are you gonna do about it? Idiot.

253. Buckets off. Fuckin' go time.

254. Shed 'em. Go me!

255. A little fuck me, fuck you?

256. Free fuckin' nose jobs?

257. Let's dance. Hit the d-floor.

258. My balls dangle harder than you.

259. Yeah, sounds familiar.

260. (WHISPERING) This is what we've been waiting for.

261. Hey! It's time.

262. You got our money? Nay!

263. We do not have, nor will we ever have, a dime for you.

264. And you took away our only source of income when you trashed our meth lab!

265. (ALL LAUGH) We're all here. So, uh...

266. It's combat, let's proceed.

267. Power stop, Tanis. We got dibs on the donnybrook with the skids.

268. What's a dibs?

269. A dibs is a dibs is a dibs.

270. Hey! Pipe down, shit head.

271. You don't get it, do you?

272. This is about the money.

273. So, until we get the money, Letterkenny will continue to burn.

274. All right?

275. How are you now?

276. Good, and you?

277. Deadly.

278. Is that...

279. The Ginger and Boots.

280. (WHISPERS) Those two guys fucked an ostrich.

281. Just the Ginger fucked an ostrich.

282. Allegedly.

283. Mmm-mmm. It would take like two people to fuck an ostrich. Three even...

284. It was a sick ostrich.

285. Allegedly.

286. You're fucking ruthless for bringing a couple dudes like that here.

287. (WHISPERS) In his defense... He's usually not the type of prick I am.

288. If they fucked an ostrich, what else have they fucked?

289. Just the Ginger fucked an ostrich.

290. Allegedly.

291. I ask again. If they fucked an ostrich,

292. what else have they fucked?

293. It's almost not worth thinkin' about.

294. Okay, speak. Yous got ripped off.

295. It's too bad that happened.

296. And? And it's none of my business.

297. Till it was my business.

298. Now, we could beat the fuck outta yous right here.

299. And mark my words, one day, we'll get ya.

300. But that doesn't solve our problem here. Dary.

301. Your name's Dary?

302. It's Daryl.

303. That's just something my friends call me sometimes.

304. We gotta put the damage you're doing around Letterkenny to bed.

305. That's 5k. What are you's owed?

306. (SCOFFS) More than that.

307. We're tough fuckin' sleddin'! Hey.

308. We're gonna call it 5k.

309. Is that what we're gonna do? We are.

310. You're gonna take it and leave Letterkenny.

311. And if yous come back for so much as to pump your gas...

312. When he gives a warning, he don't repeat it.

313. We'll get ya.

314. Deal. (CLEARS THROAT)

315. Beats fighting an ostrich fucker.

316. All right, can we, uh, part the hick sea here?

317. Uh, actually wait.

318. I got to know.

319. This has gotta sting a little bit, right?

320. (CHUCKLES) I mean, you're short, you're ugly,

321. you're incompetent, you're fuckin' broke!

322. Fuckin' A.

323. You're a fuckin' addict, you're hopeless.

324. Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

325. I mean you are such a tragedy that

326. even all these people here who hate you,

327. will bail you out, just so

328. they can...

329. What's the word? Erase you.

330. My cousin was born with fetal alcohol syndrome and he works at a fuckin' bank.

331. What's your fucking excuse?

332. That'll do, Tanis.

333. Hey! I'm not talking to you.

334. Look at you.

335. You got bloodshot eyes, runny nose, fuckin' greasy hair, scabs everywhere.

336. What is that? What's that, right there?

337. You see that? Is that cum? Dried cum on your fuckin' zipper?

338. (TANIS LAUGHING) I'm so sorry.

339. (TANIS INHALES) Oh, you are pointless.

340. I bet, the second you popped out,

341. your mom wished she had a sewn up snapper.

342. Probably would've been better if you grew to a sickly size inside the womb

343. and killed the both of you before you fuckin' rolled out and started fucking up.

344. Bitch.

345. (GROANS) What?

346. I'll tell you what's gotta sting a little bit. (TANIS SCOFFS)

347. Well, fuckin' get after it, then!

348. Well, Who would've 'thunk it. Fuck.

349. Mmm-hmm.

350. That was a top tier sucker, Riley.

351. You too, Jonesy.

352. Thanks boys. I'd sucker you guys in your sleep.

353. Still... Makes my top three suckers, boys.

354. An A-1 box shot, you fuckin' barbarian.

355. Never claimed to be a lady.

356. Did you stop and smoke a joint for a bit and then jump right back in there?

357. Nectar of gods, fellas.

358. On the house.

359. All right! (CHEERING)

360. Well at this rate, we'll need another one soon, Gail.

361. You know, I gotta say,

362. I'm looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet around here.

363. Hear, hear.

364. There ain't no reason to get excited, am I right?

365. Yup. Yeah.

366. All right.

367. Who the fuck is the toughest guy in here?

368. That'd be me.