Letterkenny 1x5

1. A bit of fuss down at the church the other day.

2. Glen. Wayne.

3. How are you now? Good, and you?

4. Oh, not so bad.

5. Ooh, look what you brought with you.

6. Hello, Daryl. Oh, fuck.

7. Fuck, you're naked as a jay bird.

8. Wayne, it's humid. It's the humidity.

9. Y'all might want to think about doing the same thing,

10. just pop your pants right off,

11. that way no one gets sticky.

12. Nope. It's not so bad. What's the fuss?

13. Ma O'Dell mentioned something about you helping her get a squirrel out of her attic.

14. I'm faced with a similar conundrum.

15. Right over there.

16. It seems some kinda rodent's made his home over there.

17. I have not seen him, but I sure can smell him. (CHUCKLES)

18. (ANIMAL CHATTERING) Hum.

19. It's a possum. Hmm.

20. Possum. That's right.

21. Oh, pitter patter, let's get at 'er.

22. Do you wanna know what? I'd reach into a pirate hooker's chamber pot

23. before I'd reach in there. And I'm going to tell ya.

24. Possums are immune to snake venom.

25. They could probably survive a nuclear blast.

26. I think it's pronounced new-cue-lar.

27. Mmm, but it isn't.

28. They're mutants. They have forked fuckin' penises.

29. We should all be so lucky.

30. They do this thing called 'Playing Possum'

31. where they appear dead and emit a death stink from their butt holes, fuck.

32. (SIGHS) I found one playing possum one time,

33. thought it was dead and buried it.

34. It dug itself out a few hours later

35. and fucked a hen right in front of her chicks.

36. Wayne, think about the swear jar.

37. You're putting so much money in.

38. All right, let me take peek see? Pitter-patter.

39. Always had a skilled hand in wrangling vermin.

40. Thank you, Daryl. And that doesn't surprise me.

41. No sweat. (GLEN LAUGHS) No sweat?

42. In this heat? That is rich and it's funny.

43. Honestly though, just take off your jumper.

44. I'll hold it for you. You crawl up in there, no one gets dirty.

45. Glen? Glen? Yes.

46. Let's take about 20% off 'er up there, all right?

47. Now, you wanna have an eye because he'll come out meaner and spit

48. and go like a hot damn.

49. Is he likely to bite? Is a duck's ass watertight?

50. Get ready to give him the size nine's if he jukes by me.

51. How be I give him the size twelve and a halfs instead?

52. Oh, I see him. That's some drunk evolution right there, bud.

53. You gotta wonder what two Christ-made miscreants mated to make that.

54. It's almost not worth thinkin' about.

55. Do I just reach for him? That's a better idea than going in head first.

56. Put him where? Under my boot.

57. (GLEN SIGHS) Boys, just do your best not to make too big a mess, all right?

58. And I'm sorry again about all this heat.

59. Whoo-hoo!

60. Oh, for fuck-sakes.

61. Ow.

62. You wish there was a Pied Piper for possums,

63. but there isn't, so you're gonna have to just keep pickin' 'em off with the.22.

64. Buckle up 'cause they're fuckin' ugly.

65. Of course, that's not to say I have it all my damn self.

66. Is that a herpe on your hand, Daryl?

67. Did you pay a little extra to go all the way with a ripper in the back room again?

68. No, I don't think he'd make that mistake twice.

69. Got a little trouser trauma?

70. Was she fun or was she fungal?

71. (LAUGHS) Hey, guess what?

72. A guy's girlfriend is having a hard time parking the car, right?

73. He says, "You should get tested."

74. She says, "Well no, I'm not so bad at driving."

75. He says, "No, I have chlamydia."

76. Is that a bite?

77. The guy takes a hooker out for supper.

78. He gave her his peas, she gave him herpes.

79. Daryl, what happened?

80. Did something bite you? A possum.

81. A possum? That's right.

82. Well, he could have rabies. Boo fuckin' hoo.

83. No, rabies is serious. It attacks the central nervous system.

84. If he gets puke between the floor boards it ain't coming out.

85. Well, I can't take him to the clinic.

86. I gotta do an ice run for the jamboree this week.

87. Oh, Christ.

88. Well, Daryl, we're gonna have to take your van.

89. Oh, yeah? Where's your nut sack boyfriend's today, Katy?

90. They're at an away game against the Natives.

91. Oh, I bet they're looking forward to playing those tough pricks.

92. Christ.

93. You sure you're ready to saddle up to the jamboree again?

94. It was kind of you and Angie's thing.

95. No sense sittin' on my hands.

96. Time to find a new dance partner.

97. All right, Daryl. Pitter-patter.

98. Hey, why are crabs always so tired?

99. It's 'cause they only sleep in snatches.

100. Hey, wait a minute. We're...

101. We're missing two schmelts.

102. Where are Deetzy and Burnsy?

103. Oh, looks like a bad case of the Native flu, bro.

104. What's the Native flu? You're an idiot.

105. The Natives are tough as hell.

106. So another way to say someone is chicken-shit to play them

107. is to say they have the Native flu.

108. Mix in a fuckin' clue, brotato chip.

109. Keep those fucking bags up, schmelt.

110. Wayne. Bonnie, how are you now?

111. Good and you? Not so bad.

112. This isn't all for you, is it? It sure is.

113. Is it for the jamboree?

114. If we ever get it there.

115. Save me a dance? Yup, sure.

116. Thank you. I've always wanted to dance with you, Wayne. Oh, yeah?

117. We've all been watching you and Angie dance for so long thinking

118. when's it gonna be our turns? Oh, yeah?

119. But trust me, watching was enough.

120. You used to move her body around like it didn't weigh a feather.

121. Well, you know, I think I got about a dozen baker's dozen here

122. I guess we could just scan them and then I'll get out of your hair.

123. Oh, yeah, I'll scan them. Okay.

124. It's broken.

125. It'll be our little secret.

126. Okay, sit down. (DARYL BREATHING HEAVILY)

127. Oh.

128. Stewart?

129. Katy?

130. You look grisly.

131. You look beautiful.

132. But I can't quite see you right now.

133. What's wrong with you? Meth?

134. (LAUGHS) I don't know what you're talking about.

135. You're not a teenager anymore. It's not charming.

136. I use to charm you?

137. Wrong takeaway.

138. You know, you're not a fuckin' idiot.

139. You could turn it around if you wanted to.

140. You know, I remember sneaking into your parties when I was 15,

141. stealing your mix-tapes.

142. All your own music.

143. I was really impressed.

144. Guess those days are over, though.

145. All right, Dairy, let's go.

146. Dairy, come on.

147. And yeah.

148. You did use to charm me.

149. McMurray, how're ya now? Not so bad, and you?

150. Not so bad. I see you back to the jamboree, now.

151. A few weeks off there. Oh, you noticed.

152. Well, it's hard not to notice all that Scottish tartan plaid you seem to enjoy so much.

153. I wanted to talk about something important.

154. Okay. My sister Bonnie is back from college,

155. and she's a damn fine woman.

156. Oh, yeah. I just seen her down at the dollar store, there.

157. You sure it was her?

158. I mean, last time I seen her last she was in a kind of a DIY maxi dress,

159. but she may have added a crochet pattern sweater on account of the breeze.

160. Maybe autumn foliage or an Algonquin green?

161. Okay.

162. I think she'd be a damn fine match for you, Wayne.

163. That's if you're ready.

164. You know, 'cause of Angie and all.

165. She's a lovely girl.

166. No, you go ahead. That is if you...

167. But you started, you mind finishing?

168. Oh, it's just, was gonna say the space, looks,

169. looks nice and clean without the...

170. Yup.

171. Run pretty good.

172. Well, all right. All right. Yeah. Hey, uh, I'll let you carry on.

173. It's a good box of ice. Yeah. Yeah, good to see you. Have a good one.

174. Hey, wait.

175. You save her dance now, eh, big boy?

176. Good enough, McMurray.

177. Atta boy.

178. Does that taste right?

179. Ya, okay.

180. Mmm.

181. I think so, I don't know, I don't know.

182. I've had an epiphany!

183. Uh, can you taste this? No.

184. Never again. Okay, okay, okay, then, can you snort it?

185. No. I've given up on the meth business.

186. I'm going back to the turntables.

187. Hmm? Back to the ones and twos.

188. For what?

189. To become a superstar DJ.

190. Oh, okay, okay, uh...

191. But first, can you... Let's just try...

192. No.

193. I need you guys to tell everyone you know

194. that I am hosting a rave in Letterkenny,

195. and I will be spinning under all of my aliases.

196. How many aliases have you had?

197. DJ Pimpy Longstockings, DJ Peter Blumpkin,

198. DJ White Power Nap, DJ White Power Bottom.

199. They'll all be there! All of them.

200. Mmm-mmm, so you're quitting the meth business?

201. I've quit the meth business.

202. But Menergy Spa is still like, a thing though, right?

203. Well, how are you going to get people to come?

204. I'll post it on my fuckin' Facebook.

205. And you guys will post it

206. on your fuckin' Facebooks.

207. Wayne.

208. Christ, Katy, put some fuckin' clothes on.

209. Not my forte.

210. Unfortunate.

211. What are you doing?

212. Well, I think it's pretty obvious

213. that I'm moving hay bales from here over to here.

214. Although, that one's a straw bale.

215. Why?

216. Well, pick up your fuckin' phone. McMurray's been trying to reach you all day.

217. (CLEARS THROAT) McMurray. At least I was yesterday!

218. How're ya now? Not so bad and you?

219. Not so bad.

220. Listen, Wayne. I've gotta cancel the Jamboree here.

221. The Ag Hall's been booked up.

222. For the whole week? Yes, sir.

223. That's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and guess what else?

224. Sunday. What for?

225. Uh, Stewart. He's throwing a rave.

226. I don't know, he says he needs time to set up or something like that.

227. Said something about a glow stick Segway saunter

228. across the rainbow road level of Mario Kart for Nintendo 64? I don't know, what the fuck.

229. And you green-lit that tom-fuckery?

230. Had to. Agricultural Hall is low on funds.

231. All-day bookings is a big boost for us. So, I couldn't say no.

232. Agricultural Halls are for Agricultural music.

233. Not for fuckin' raves.

234. Well, that's no way to get your communication badge, boy scout.

235. Dairy. Wayne. Clinic. Pick up. Not feel good.

236. Well, he's not gonna get his communication badge, either.

237. Dairy. What's the fuss?

238. Good 'n you?

239. Where you goin'?

240. I don't know where I am.

241. Don't look at your hand. What's the fuss?

242. Think I have rabies.

243. Oh, boo fuckin' hoo, big shootsy-wootsy.

244. But 'cept do you wanna know what? What's that?

245. Nabbing that possum was kind of a thrill.

246. I think I could start a pest removal business.

247. Oh, Daryl, that's just silly.

248. But 'cept do you wanna know what? I'm gonna help you..

249. You know Stewart's having a rave at the Ag Hall?

250. Agricultural Halls are for agricultural music.

251. "Not for fuckin' raves." That's what I said.

252. So here's what we're gonna do and I'm gonna tell ya.

253. We're gonna wrangle as many of those critters as possible,

254. and let 'em loose at Stewart's rave.

255. How do we get the word out about the business?

256. Oh, you'd have to put it on your fuckin' Facebook, likely.

257. Over and out.

258. Look at this bowl of fruit salad. You want a taste, Tanis?

259. Ooh, better watch that bark there. Boy might get bit.

260. What's going on here? You're looking a handful short.

261. Caught a bad case of the Native flu, or what?

262. You're drunk. Mix in a water.

263. Well, it's either that or you're all tweaking down that meth town you come from.

264. What did you say? Everyone knows Letterkenny has gone to meth.

265. You guys a bunch of fuckin' basics.

266. At least we keep it clean. We just sell cigarettes.

267. Your town ain't nothing but a bunch of jacked-up scab pickers.

268. Yeah, we'll see what you're calling us after I bury a couple of bar down wristers.

269. Half-clapper, top cheddar.

270. Biscuits top titties, bar downskies.

271. Always bar downskie.

272. Pull out the guns. Safetys off.

273. Fuckin' safety off, boys.

274. A little three-on-oneskie?

275. A little three-on-twoskie?

276. Hum a high hard one. Hit the red light district.

277. You won't make it that far, slugger.

278. You either, champ. Buckets off.

279. Center ice. Puck drop.

280. Shed 'em. Go me.

281. A little fuck me, fuck you. Free nose jobs.

282. Let's dance. Let's hit the d-floor.

283. My balls dangle harder than you, boy.

284. Like I thought, bad case of the Native flu.

285. Devon, we're missing $2000.

286. Really? It's a devastating blow to Menergy Spa, I know.

287. Hey, I'll call Stewart.

288. (MUMBLING) He'll fix everything...

289. Hello? Stewart?

290. Hey, Devon.

291. Hey, we're missing 2k. Yeah, I took it for the rave.

292. 2k?

293. (STAMMERS) I don't think you understand.

294. It's going to be a massive production.

295. It's gonna be like an...

296. Aurora Borealis-themed Salvador Dali drug orgy

297. with shamans.

298. (STAMMERING) But that's a lot of money.

299. No time, I gotta go.

300. Wayne. Daryl.

301. Gailor, how are ya now?

302. I'm on a juice cleanse.

303. Haven't had a drink in three days.

304. Had close to 30 shits, though.

305. So what's the fuss?

306. Well, timing's right for your new business.

307. Saw it up on your fuckin' Facebook, there.

308. Got a skunk sleeping underneath us, right now.

309. Did you not know skunks are immune to bee stings?

310. They even teach their babies how to raid beehives.

311. And? Well, they burrow up for the winter,

312. and rip farts on each other to keep warm.

313. No way. Oh, yeah.

314. They go to mate as soon as they leave their mom,

315. so you know they're probably thinking about her during sex.

316. That or their brothers and sisters which is even more inappropriate.

317. (GAIL FARTING) Oh.

318. There's one knocking. Make way.

319. Well, pitter-patter.

320. Can you take this one, please?

321. (MUSIC PLAYING) Here's the deal.

322. Stewart's rave is eating up all our money,

323. and the business is failing without his expertise.

324. We simply aren't making enough coin selling the Native's cigarettes.

325. We need the meth.

326. Menergy Spa is never going to happen at this rate.

327. I officially move to boycott Stewart's rave,

328. take it off our fuckin' Facebooks and sabotage it.

329. All in favor say, "Aye!"

330. Aye!

331. It's unanimous.

332. How are we going to do this?

333. We could put something on our Facebooks.

334. We could say the Ag Hall has asbestos.

335. Yes, asbestos.

336. Everyone hates asbestos. Asbestos is the answer.

337. Okay.

338. Let's do that.

339. Maybe you don't say asbestos anymore, though.

340. Okay.

341. Hey, Katy, you look beautiful.

342. You look better.

343. Um.

344. I've come to cordially invite you to my rave tonight.

345. Stewart.

346. Fuck, greasiest skid I ever seen.

347. Criss Angel mind-freak- looking-motherfucker.

348. What are you thinking holding a rave at the Ag Hall?

349. I'm thinking I'm doing the Agricultural Society a huge favor.

350. You guys are going broke. Tits up or not, it's inappropriate.

351. Why not the Legion?

352. Or even upstairs at the arena?

353. Or the fuckin' youth center.

354. Because they're too small, shirt-tucker.

355. Be prepared, because once this blows up they'll probably ask me to do it quarterly.

356. Bi-weekly!

357. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

358. We'll see if it blows up then.

359. It'll probably be pretty tough to find me through the crowd.

360. Stage security will be pretty tight but your name's on the guest list,

361. and there's a backstage pass with your name on it.

362. I'll do my best to make it down, Stewart.

363. My ass.

364. And just as a heads up, it is a rave,

365. so there will probably be people on drugs.

366. You know, MDMA.

367. What? There's gonna be MDMA at the Ag Hall?

368. Yes, there will be MDMA at my rave at the Ag Hall.

369. There will be MDMA, DMT, PCP, LSD,

370. LED and probably UFC.

371. But I am clean and sober.

372. You are spare parts, aren't you, bud?

373. I truly hope to see you there.

374. Watch your fuckin' hands, skid.

375. Three, two...

376. Fuckin' skids are turning Letterkenny into a gong show, buddy.

377. Fucking gonger, buddy.

378. I'm rattled about that meth chirp, brotein.

379. Fuckin' Stewart, bro. Fuckin' Stewart, bro.

380. There's fuckin' two in that pud, hey, boys?

381. Put 'em away like a winter coat, boys.

382. What the fuck was that?

383. That was garbage.

384. That was fuckin' pedestrian.

385. All this beaking is kiddie pool shit.

386. Is that what you want? Riley, Jonesy?

387. Huh?

388. You want to get dropped off at the splash pad on the way home, eh?

389. Get mom and dad to pick you up after you all swim?

390. No running on the deck, ya fuckin' pheasants.

391. Fuck!

392. Bag skate. Tomorrow, 6:00 a. m.

393. Fuckin' embarrassing!

394. Hey, give your balls a tug, you tit-fucker!

395. Fuck!

396. You never looked so good.

397. You never felt so good.

398. I'm so proud of you, man.

399. Save me a dance, Wayne.

400. You look better.

401. Where's Stewart, buddy? Where is he, bro?

402. Rave's canceled. Go home.

403. Bullshit, buddy. That's not what the poster says, buddy.

404. I said, it's fuckin' canceled.

405. Now quit your hollering before I get cross.

406. Hey.

407. When he give a warning, he don't repeat it.

408. Yeah.

409. Seven of us and two of you.

410. It's a good time for a donnybrook, boys.

411. Tilly time, boys.

412. What the fuck are you pheasants doing out here?

413. It's 10 minutes to curfew.

414. You think you can dog fuck all night and then dance?

415. Dog fuckin' means no dancin'.

416. Get home!

417. It's fuckin' embarrassing.

418. Well, pitter-patter.

419. This isn't over. Jinx, you owe me a Coke.

420. Christ. McMurray.

421. Wayne, I've been told the rave was a bust.

422. Something about an asbestos scare or something. No one showed up.

423. Sister Bonnie, though, she's still in there.

424. About that dance you were going to save her.

425. She'll be in a sort of golden poppy progressive onesie.

426. Either way, you know, get in there, pal.

427. Give 'er the guts.

428. Okay. Bang the very guts right out of her.

429. Okay. Just have at her, bud, like...

430. The nut-sack.

431. Alley oop.

432. This is a grotesquerie.

433. It's off.

434. We are going to make Letterkenny

435. the biggest meth town in the whole country.

436. I love Stewart!