Letterkenny 1x3

1. Got a bit banged up after work the other day...

2. Did you get that stump out of the ground today?

3. I already told you. Dary and I are doing it Friday.

4. You never told me that. Did too.

5. You gotta tell her more than once.

6. She's a woman, not a robot.

7. In all fairness, Dary, that's a two-way street.

8. You know what Dad would say... Plant the corn. Get her goin'.

9. So, how are you gonna do it?

10. Well, Questions McGarrity over here, we chain it up and yank it out like a loose tooth.

11. So, what are you gonna chain it up to?

12. My van. Won't do.

13. Why? 'Cause that might be a little too punk rock, Dary.

14. What's wrong with my van? More than a coat of paint.

15. Go on. More than two coats of paint.

16. Get after it. Rear end differential.

17. Front end differential. Alternator. Battery.

18. Doesn't matter. She'll perform.

19. Well, fucking measure twice, cut once then, bud.

20. You said yesterday, it could win a demolition derby.

21. No I never. I said yesterday it was fit for a demolition derby.

22. No you never. Ain't no reason to get excited.

23. It's not what you said. You better settle down over there

24. or I'm gonna come talk to you...

25. You know what, there's two things I don't like about you, and it's your face.

26. There's one thing you're not gonna like about your own face.

27. That's when I come over there and give it the beats.

28. You boys ever had a peanut butter sandwich?

29. You're one end.

30. You're the other end.

31. Stick you's together and you're just stuck.

32. Really scraping the bottom of the yoghurt cup for that nugget of wisdom, aren't you?

33. You appreciate my metaphors, Katy.

34. That's what I appreciate about you.

35. Is that what you appreciate about me?

36. Stake about five to 10% offer over there squarely down. Yeah. No. Huh?

37. So any other insights for us?

38. Uh... (DAN FARTS AGAIN)

39. Heck! You wouldn't mind a quick heads up from a fella

40. who's about to steam press his Calvins.

41. And that's your lesson for today, folks, farts always win.

42. That right there was an air biscuit.

43. That was a real ass flapper, if I do say so, myself.

44. Some fine colon bowling.

45. Some real rectal turbulence.

46. Wayne, you gonna weigh in on this?

47. Well there's nothing better than a fart.

48. Except kids falling off bikes maybe. Fuck, I could watch kids fall off bikes

49. all day. I don't give a shit about your kids.

50. I wish Gail could hear that fart.

51. I've got a couple pals who'd appreciates it too.

52. Wouldn't it be kinda neat if you could like, catalog your farts?

53. What for?

54. Well, I feel like if other people could hear that crack splitter

55. it could have a positive impact on their lives.

56. That may be the nicest thing everybody has ever said about me.

57. You should be able to keep track of and record your farts.

58. And your friends' farts.

59. Like Facebook?

60. Exactly like a Facebook.

61. Just like...

62. Fartbook.

63. Step one, we got to builds us a website.

64. How are we gonna fuck that pig?

65. I guess we gots to calls up the internets.

66. Oh, yeah? You got a phone number for the internet, Dan?

67. Well, I'm pretty sure they added me on Skypes a while back,

68. I mean, I gots to check my emails.

69. Outstanding. Well, I have an idea,

70. it's gonna chap a few asses but,

71. there's a fella we know right here in town who can builds us a websites

72. so we don't even have to calls up the internets, you know.

73. Skip that middle man. Right, we'll skip the middle man.

74. Who is... The internet.

75. Who is it, Dan? Um, Stewart.

76. Hard no.

77. You gots a better idea?

78. Better than going into business with a meth head? One or two.

79. Now hold your good goddamn horses here, let's put it to a vote, those for...

80. Those against... Get real.

81. Then she's bought and paid for. Two against one.

82. So, driving Pete's family's out of town, he had a bit of a Texas Hold'em Tournament.

83. And I went over there with my second-cousins.

84. Who, Garrett? And Jarrett.

85. Well, Pete gets all liquored up. Long story short,

86. me and the cousins, just standing there in the kitchen

87. having a beer watching Pete hang a piss down his own basement stairs.

88. Then he turns the cock on himself, pisses all over his goddamn chest.

89. Then he falls down his own piss-soaked stairs.

90. What are you gonna do? It's like, "Hey, it's your fucking house!"

91. But also, "Fuck! It's your house."

92. So it's Facebook...

93. But for farts?

94. That's right.

95. Cartoonish. We're in.

96. But, drop the "The." Just, Fartbook. It's cleaner.

97. There was never a "The."

98. And we want 30%.

99. Of what?

100. Amateurs. Money, generated from the site!

101. We are not gonna be making any money off the site.

102. Yes, we will.

103. Once we get enough members playing the butt trumpet,

104. we will sell ad space and make a fortune.

105. Now, let's talk about marketing.

106. Who should we target to buy ad space on Fartbook?

107. Indian food. Greek food. Asian noodle soups. What about ring tones?

108. Instead of putting your phone on silent, you put in on silent...

109. But deadly. You are an idiot.

110. He's a... Wait.

111. You're an idiot.

112. Is geo-stamping farts a good idea?

113. Of course it is. Popcorn, fart location, movie theater.

114. That's information I's wants to know!

115. No. Why not?

116. 'Cause it's too complicated. It's like algebra.

117. Why you gotta put numbers and letters together?

118. Why can't you just go fuck yourself?

119. The kids will fucking love that shit.

120. Yeah, you know what else kids love, keys. (KEYS JINGLING)

121. Dangling in front of their faces. They fucking love it.

122. Fine.

123. No ads then.

124. Shake on 30%.

125. Anything down the road will be negotiated in good faith.

126. Beggars can't be choosers.

127. (GRUNTING) Meritorious!

128. Give us... 24 hours.

129. Eduardo. We're ranking farts.

130. I need the algorithm. I need the algorithm.

131. How are you now? Hey.

132. Not too bad. Good, and you? Huh?

133. Oh.

134. Gentlemen.

135. Fartbook.

136. I don't...

137. I... I just...

138. What's wrong with you?

139. Seeing it all come together... Sort yourself out.

140. Here's what we've done. I am, at this point,

141. the only member of Fartbook.

142. Each member will be able to upload three farts.

143. Each member will post a picture to their farts.

144. Members will then be allowed to friend request each other and accumulate audiences for

145. their farts.

146. For example... (IMITATING DRUM ROLL)

147. My profile.

148. Wanna know, that's...

149. That's mint.

150. Like the... Little bull snort there in the middle there, Stewart.

151. I really like the placement of the fizzler at the end.

152. Thank you.

153. Now, shall we sign one of you up? Oh!

154. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me...

155. Daryl. Oh, fuck. Shit. Cunt. Fuck...

156. Wait a sec. Can I go eat a can of Chef Boyardee? Oh! No times.

157. I can farts on command.

158. Okay? Mmm-mmm.

159. Ready.

160. Ahem, I recommend recording through a professional studio mic

161. but the internal computer mic will work for now.

162. Okay, Dan.

163. Ready?

164. Go.

165. Oh, very nice.

166. Boy howdy.

167. Onto the second one.

168. Go.

169. That was a winner. Really nice work, Dan.

170. Really nice work, Dan. Fuck, is this awkward.

171. Onto number three.

172. No, no, no. I can do better. I wants to go again.

173. No, I think you should keep it.

174. No one likes a fart that sounds too staged.

175. Do you wanna know what? He's right.

176. Like that person who just happens to have burst out laughing in every group photo

177. they're in?

178. Like the camera just happened to catch that magic moment

179. in every single one. That like, "Say cheese."

180. You're not fooling me, bud.

181. Nope.

182. If you think, if you think it's a good idea...

183. It's a good spread there. Like...

184. It's a good spread.

185. I suggest we, um,

186. send it out to a test audience, before it goes live.

187. Um...

188. Get some feedback. Iron out the bugs.

189. Suggestions?

190. Gail. Duh...

191. What about the Ginger?

192. Mmm... What about Boots?

193. Oh, mmm, the Ginger...

194. You guys...

195. Ever heard anything about that guy fucking an ostrich?

196. I heard it was Boots who fucked the ostrich. No.

197. The Ginger fucked an ostrich.

198. Allegedly. Let's see...

199. It'd take more than one guy to fuck an ostrich.

200. You think they were both there?

201. Like, Boots held down the ostrich? I suppose...

202. If you really wanted to get to the bottom of it...

203. We could find someone,

204. someone who farms ostriches.

205. Who might know

206. how they get fucked.

207. I don't think we need to invite them, though.

208. We should get the hockey players in on this.

209. Those d-gens would lap this right up.

210. Maybe get Glen. Get the Christians on board.

211. Agreed. And we should also get Katy into the fracas. I'll talk to her.

212. The fuck you will. Wondrous.

213. You talk to her, then.

214. We reconvene back here in 24 hours.

215. Yeah... (GROANING)

216. Oh, yes. (FARTING)

217. Go.

218. Hey, has Katy liked any of your farts on Fartbook?

219. No, you?

220. Huh. No. Huh.

221. We got a problem.

222. We need to talk to Gail.

223. (GRUNTING) Gail.

224. How are you now?

225. Good and you? Not so bad.

226. Gail, we've summoned you here today to talk about your Fartbook profile.

227. Okay. Let's listen.

228. Everything about that so right. Wrong.

229. You've attached messages to each of your farts.

230. For example,

231. send this fart to ten people or you will have bad sex for the rest of your life.

232. But see, I had just got that message from someone else.

233. So it's like, if I didn't send it, then I'd be stuck having bad shaboink forever.

234. And I enjoy a horizontal refreshment for my vertical smile

235. too goddamn much to take that risk.

236. It's called spamming, Gail.

237. Never heard it called that. Heard it called spunking one or two times...

238. No. Sending annoying messages to people

239. who have not requested it is called spamming.

240. Okay.

241. And it's annoying.

242. No. No. No. Yes. Yes.

243. If you continue to misuse Fartbook,

244. we'll have to suspend your membership.

245. Suspend my membership?

246. Why don't you suspend my fist in your ass, you little fuck.

247. If you ever threaten me like that again, I'll spread your cheeks

248. and I'll feed you a Kentucky Klondike Bar, you little twat.

249. I'll drop an Alabama Hot Pocket in your deuce maker, Charlie.

250. I'll fuckin' land shark your shit house so fast

251. you'll be crying for your mother, you fucking asshole.

252. Fuck you, Stewart.

253. You drop deuces in every orifice of your body, you fuckhead!

254. Tear you into a Pop-Tart!

255. And then I will...

256. We've got another problem.

257. Where's Katy?

258. What? Katy.

259. We've summoned you here today to talk about your Fartbook profile.

260. Super. Let's listen.

261. Problem? Those are cat farts.

262. Right. You've got a picture of your cat under each of your farts.

263. It's not my cat. It's just a barn cat.

264. I seen a coon having sex with a barn cat on top of my truck one time, fuck.

265. What's the nature of that, David Suzuki?

266. No one cares about your cat's farts.

267. But look how cute they are.

268. Not to be impolite, but you're the only one who thinks so.

269. Everybody whose got a cat or a kid,

270. is going to think their cat's or kid's farts are super special and unique.

271. They're not. They are just a cat or a kid fart.

272. In addition, you've been updating new farts from your cat almost hourly.

273. Oh, that's because there's so many cute farts. Like I can't even keep up.

274. Katy! What is this fucking gong show?

275. We're supposed to be napping right now, boys.

276. What? We are at home.

277. In the middle of a 'Chel tournament with big dingers in...

278. When we see you've been liking all this duster's farts on Fartbook.

279. And none of this beauty's farts.

280. And not one of this grain fed,

281. USDA certified, 100% non-animal tested, organic beauty.

282. Not one. You're welcome. Thanks, buddy.

283. So?

284. So he's gonna think you wanna fucking wheel him.

285. He's gonna think that you wanna turn on the jets.

286. Because I like his farts?

287. Yes.

288. I'm just pushing a button. It doesn't mean anything.

289. What the fuck are you looking at, you fuckin' pilon?

290. Fucking vampire... Pipe down, idiots.

291. Get in the house.

292. Now.

293. (GROWLS) I'm gonna get you, you fuckin' pheasant!

294. We're comin' phezzy!

295. (CHUCKLES) Guys.

296. Boy, you're havin' quite a day, Super-chief.

297. We've got another problem.

298. Where's Glen?

299. Daryl, Rage Monkeys. Daniel. Wayne.

300. We've summoned you here today to talk to you about your Fartbook profile.

301. Allons-y.

302. You have no photos and no farts

303. but are friends with everyone along for the test drive.

304. Hmm. I'm not friends with everyone.

305. I'm not friends with Wayne yet. But I wanna be.

306. It seems as though you were just cruising through Fartbook

307. liking and commenting on everyone's farts but contributing nothing yourself.

308. (WHISPERS) Nothing.

309. I am as God made me.

310. Blessed with a very healthy gastro-intestinal system.

311. Not super farty.

312. What you're doing is called creeping.

313. Not what Fartbook is all about.

314. I genuinely enjoy farts.

315. You can't just go around creeping other people's farts.

316. What the truck is wrong with that?

317. If you continue to misuse Fartbook,

318. we'll have to suspend your membership.

319. Fine. Fine.

320. Fluff you then.

321. I have millions...

322. (CHUCKLES) And I mean, millions of ways of hearing unlimited farts.

323. We're done here, Glen.

324. Are we though?

325. Are we?

326. I think we should pump the brakes on Fartbook.

327. That's a Texas-size 10-4. Why?

328. It's kicking up too much dust.

329. We haven't even gotten into it and already folks are gettin' chapped asses.

330. Well, that's their problem. Not ours.

331. This is our problem.

332. We started Fartbook so that good folks could share farts with other good folks.

333. That's it.

334. Not to creepin' farts, or spam farts...

335. Although, if you eat spam, you'll get good farts.

336. Farts should never come between the love of a man and a woman.

337. It's not right. You don't get to 500 million farts

338. without making a few sharts.

339. Exactly.

340. So, what are you saying?

341. Fartbook dies today.

342. Today, Fartbook is dead.

343. Oh. You think so?

344. I'm with the fellas on this one.

345. It's not why we invented it. (SCOFFS)

346. You invented it? Our idea.

347. We built the site.

348. You know, you really don't need a forensics team to get to the bottom of this.

349. If you were the inventors of Fartbook, you'd have invented Fartbook.

350. Hold your horses there. Let's put this to a vote.

351. Those for closing down Fartbook, raise your hands.

352. Those against?

353. But we own 30 percent.

354. This isn't fair! (YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

355. If you want to sit on our backs and call yourselves tall,

356. you have every right to do so.

357. But don't think that we're gonna sit here and enjoy listening to you lie.

358. You have a bit of our attention,

359. you have the smallest bit of our attention.

360. When did we ask for your attention?

361. The rest of our attention is back at the offices of Fartbook,

362. where my friends and I are doing things that no one on this farm,

363. especially and including you idiots,

364. are intellectually, creatively, artistically,

365. emotionally, or spiritually capable of doing.

366. Have I adequately answered your condescending question?

367. What question?

368. (SCREAMS) Farts!

369. You better lawyer up, asshole,

370. because I'm not coming back for 30 percent,

371. I'm coming back for everything.

372. I...

373. I don't know what happened just now.

374. (WHISPERING) No... No...

375. You know, I've been thinking about Fartbook...

376. What about it, bigshits?

377. I think maybe we pulled the cord too quick on that, you parachute.

378. I miss it too, three-point shoes.

379. I was on there a lot.

380. Too much, likely.

381. I was always checking it.

382. It was very addicting.

383. Except, did you ever really stop to think about one thing, did you?

384. Rippin' farts into your computer doesn't exactly

385. spike the likelihood of having sex with girls.

386. Hey!

387. Hey! Hey!

388. Not now. Need 20 minutes. Okay.

389. Just wanted to let you know that Glen stole our website.

390. It's been live for more than 36 hours.

391. Hey! Hey! Fuck it!

392. (EXCLAIMS) Oh! Fuck's sake. Jesus!

393. (GROANS) Fucking sort yourselves out.

394. Cheese and rice.

395. I can't remember the last time five men came in this church so aggressively.

396. Or can I?

397. You stole our idea. Hmm...

398. Are you referring to Christian Fart Mingle?

399. What's that?

400. It's like Christian Mingle, but for farts.

401. We asked your help with our idea

402. and you went behind our backs and stole'd it.

403. (STUTTERING) I didn't... Excuse... Oh, my God.

404. Those are some hairy allegations you are firing, at my face.

405. All your allegations... All of them, completely fricken' false. Baseless.

406. How?

407. Stewart, I did not steal anything.

408. Because the last time I checked,

409. taking advantage of a growing trend was not stealing.

410. What trend? I'll tell you.

411. But first, let's sing a hymn. No.

412. No. Fine.

413. Look, y'all had a good idea, all right?

414. You had a terrific idea. Congratulations.

415. But did you actually think you were the only ones in the world to have it?

416. What are you talking about?

417. I'm talking about Fart culture, Stewart. It's all the rage.

418. It's everywhere.

419. You know... Nothing...

420. Glen will show you.

421. Ever heard of Plenty of Farts?

422. I've heard of Plenty of Fish.

423. It's very much like that, except for farts.

424. Here. Here's the one I like the best.

425. It's called Fart Filter.

426. And I like it because you can put different filters on all of your farts and it's fun.

427. So, yeah, I'll just show you how it works.

428. This one, no filter. Nothing.

429. Who cares? Not Glen, right?

430. Vanilla. Pedestrian... I'm not interested.

431. However, shove that baby through the Hudson filter...

432. What's she gonna sound like?

433. Now there's a renovation.

434. Now suck on your Sutro filter...

435. Now boys, because I'm feeling generous,

436. and we're in the Lord's house, I'm gonna play you

437. the filter that I invented myself. I call it...

438. Valencia.

439. Wow.

440. There is a whole site devoted to gluten-free farts.

441. The point is, it's out there, boys.

442. It's happened. The idea lives in the world.

443. Y'all are too slow. Slow on the uptake.

444. Sad story. Boo-hoo. Toot-toot!

445. Go away. (HOARSELY) Let's go.

446. Sad face, sad face, angry face.

447. Better slow down there, Big-shoots.

448. Tomorrow's gonna be a great day for hay.

449. If you can be a man at night, you can be a man in the morning.

450. Wayne, how come you didn't join Fartbook?

451. 'Cause you're not supposed to fart in front of girls. What?

452. There's certain things that should stay sacred between a man and a woman.

453. So, all things considered, this whole thing's pretty fucking juvenile,

454. if I do say so myself.

455. If she's always listening to your ass acoustics,

456. or even worse, smellin' 'em,

457. I guarantee she'll be slower and slower to crawl into bed with you at night.

458. What you just said is outrageous.

459. No it isn't. It's true.

460. I don't wanna be smelling a dude's ass all the time. Get real.

461. What are you? Some kind of fart purist?

462. So what are you supposed to do? Just hold it in?

463. Or take a shit, you fuckin' degenerate.

464. Speaking of shit,

465. my second cousin's got IBS.

466. Who, Garrett? No, Jarett.

467. No. IBS, the International Business Solution?

468. IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndromes.

469. Anyhoo, when he was a kid, Jackass comes out on the air,

470. so it becomes real popular in his high school,

471. for kids to start taking shits in places what weren't meant for taking shits in.

472. They calls that guerrilla shittin'.

473. Is this a true story?

474. So, he became real popular with his friends,

475. with his ability to take a shits any time he needed to.

476. They'd call him up when they get an idea

477. of a place that needed a shits taken in,

478. and be like, "Hey, why don't you comes over here and takes a shits?"

479. Anyhow, this one time his pal texts him up,

480. and he says, "Hey, why don't you come take a shits in the girls' bathroom?"

481. So, he drinks a coffee, eats a bran muffin,

482. heads on down to the washroom there,

483. but when he opens the bathroom door, what does he find?

484. But this pretty young girl just dropping a shits,

485. right there in the middle of the bathroom floor.

486. And that's how he met his lovely Eunice.

487. And they fells in love, and they've been together ever since.

488. They raised three little shits. So...

489. With all due respect, Miss Katy,

490. there is a market for gentlemens what can find ladies who like, uh, farts,

491. or shits, or even guerrilla shittin's.

492. That is not a true story.

493. That is a true story.

494. God help us all.

495. You know what, I don't know why you guys need everybody knowing your business anyway.

496. Like why you gotta put everything on the internet, while you're doing it,

497. or after you're done doing it?

498. Well, if you don't puts it on the internet,

499. how's gonna people know what you did?

500. Do you wanna know what? That's your problem right there.

501. Should be playing your cards close to your chest.

502. Keep the ladies guessin' a little bit. Be the mystery man.

503. Right again.

504. Oh, if a woman's not gonna love me for my farts

505. or for me posting my bowling scores on the internet...

506. Not really sure I want one.

507. Well, then it's a good thing you's two have each other.