1. A couple hockey players
come up to the produce stand
the other day...
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2. (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Bye!
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3. Can't believe
your sister's still dating
these nut sacks.
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4. Wayne.
How're you now?
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5. Good and you?
Not so bad.
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6. Hi, Katy.
Go home, Daryl.
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7. Nice onesie.
Does it come in men's?
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8. Oh, I think you cum
in men enough for all of us.
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9. I think you better
come in my...
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10. I mean,
you better come...
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11. I think you better come say
that to his face,
you fucking hicks!
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12. Nice execution.
You're doin' terrific.
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13. Hey, I heard about
your break-up, buddy.
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14. She was your sweetie
for five years, right?
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15. Your high school
sweetie, right?
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16. What's it to ya?
Heard she cheated
on you, buddy.
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17. That's a real kick
in the knackers, bro.
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18. Just a real ouchie, bro.
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19. It's too bad she taught you
not to fight anymore, buddy.
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20. 'Cause that's a fight
on sight for you and
her new guy, buddy.
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21. Fourth line
for life, bro.
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22. Maybe, if you'd ever been
in a real fight, you might not
be so keen for another.
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23. What did you say?
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24. You heard me.
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25. Hold my spitter.
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26. Darts off, boys.
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27. You looking for
a tilly, buddy?
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28. Let's have a donnybrook.
Pump the brakes.
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29. You take your shirt off,
but leave your sunglasses on?
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30. What sort of backwards fuckin'
pageantry is that?
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31. Do you want to fight
with those shades or play
pokerstars.com?
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32. Hold my spitter.
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33. Dude, I can't hold
your spitter.
You're holding
my spitter.
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34. Just put the
spitters down.
Tick-tock.
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35. Go time!
Go time!
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36. Look at that fuckin'
treasure trail.
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37. What's up with your
fuckin' body hair, big shoots.
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38. You look like a
12-year-old Dutch girl.
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39. Your aesthetician quaff
that for you?
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40. You can kiss
my ass-thetician.
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41. You guys do cross fit?
You can cross-fuck-off.
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42. Cross fart. How many times
you pulled your
horn today, bud?
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43. What?
Oh, she's bashful.
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44. Oh, come on, kitten.
I won't tell anyone.
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45. Ball park six to eight?
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46. You're a fucking animal.
Play a little five on one.
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47. Hit the kitchen,
mix a batch.
Feed the ducks.
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48. Distribute some
free literature.
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49. Go time!
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50. Fuckin'... Shed 'em!
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51. Riley! Jonesy! Put your
fuckin' shirts on!
Get outta here!
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52. This isn't over!
Jinx. You owe me a Coke.
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53. Never buy you a Coke.
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54. It's a hard life pickin'
stones and pullin' teats
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55. but sure as God's got sandals
it beats fightin' dudes
with treasure trails.
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56. Hi, Katy.
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57. We're out of yogurt.
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58. I brought some from home.
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59. So why didn't you
stay there and eat it.
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60. Mornin' Dary.
Mornin'.
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61. Thank you.
Welcome.
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62. So, you talked to Angie yet?
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63. It's been almost a month now.
Think you need to get
back on the horse.
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64. She stepped out on you.
Can't go back to that
and get any respect.
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65. Not in Letterkenny.
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66. Wayne, Angie did
you a lot of good.
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67. Somewhere along the way
you kinda got soft.
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68. You're not even
fighting anymore.
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69. You know what you need?
Sex. With a girl.
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70. Not just any girl.
A good Christian girl.
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71. I think I can help you.
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72. I've been going to the Burning
Bush Youth Group every Sunday.
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73. I think you should
come with me.
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74. I think you should
just eat your yogurt.
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75. There's millions
of starving kids
in the world.
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76. Yeah? Name ten.
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77. You need a distraction.
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78. Something fun.
Look at this.
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79. It's called Tinder.
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80. Look, see there's all
these girls and if you
don't like one,
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81. you just say nope
and move onto the next.
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82. But if you do like one,
then you can see how
close they are
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83. and I don't know,
maybe meet up
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84. or whatever.
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85. So if you like 'em you just
type 'em out a message
or what's the scoop?
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86. Yeah. You just, you know,
say something like...
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87. Like, "On a scale of one
to America, how free
are you right now?"
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88. Oh, Jesus!
Look at these nut sacks.
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89. Why do you hate them so much?
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90. 'Cause hockey players
would grab a monkey
by the tit if they could.
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91. Smokes are for jokes, bud!
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92. Put it out before
it puts you out, bud!
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93. (CHUCKLES)
Trash the ash, pal!
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94. Ouch! Put it out! Put it out!
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95. Put it out! Put it out!
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96. Tell the fish hook
story, Dan.
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97. It's really more
of a Wayne story.
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98. Yeah, but he
won't tell it.
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99. Oh, you've heard it
a baker's dozen times.
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100. Tell the story
or he won't shut up.
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101. Is there anymore
trail mix?
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102. It's in the house.
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103. Yous makes the most delicious
trail mix, Katy,
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104. and I got to say that's what
I appreciates about you.
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105. Is that what you
appreciate about me?
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106. Pitter-patter, squirrely Dan.
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107. So, as the story goes,
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108. Wayne hucks an egg at a truck
with a Confederate flag
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109. in the back windshield
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110. and the driver's
fumin' pissed.
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111. So, we flee the scene
goin' full tilt like
a Peterbilt, right?
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112. Now, The Federales catch up
to us and chase us
through a few backyards
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113. before we scamper up
into some trees
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114. and all Wayne's got on
is a pair of
cut-off jean shorts
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115. so he ain't exactly
super jazzed about the
situation, was you Wayne?
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116. Oh, I'm no DJ Jazzy Jeff.
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117. The Federale
pulls out his Taser,
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118. and he points it up at Wayne
and says some real
Clint Eastwood-sounding shit.
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119. He says to Wayne, he says,
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120. "If I'd known I was going to
run into some uptown
street toughs today,
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121. "I'd have done up
my top button."
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122. (CHUCKLES) That's from
a John Wayne motion picture.
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123. No, Cool Hand Luke.
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124. Pert near anything
Kevin Costner, really.
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125. Either way, I's impressed
and I'd let out
an audible gasp
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126. so he hears me, spins around,
aims the Taser up at me
and lets fire,
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127. and if that thing doesn't
latch onto my nipple ring,
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128. which I'm pretty sure
amplified the
electric current,
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129. he sent coursing through
my entire body.
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130. And they just walked over
and yanked that thing
out of my nipple
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131. like it was a goddamn
fish hook.
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132. At least that's
according to my cousin.
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133. Well, you know,
my second cousin.
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134. Who, Garrett?
No, Jarrett.
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135. Huh...
I cried.
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136. I'm not even ashamed
to admit that.
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137. That was well brought up.
Too bad you weren't.
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138. I should say.
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139. Thirsty Thursdays, boys.
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140. Might as well get balls
deep in a bottle of
Gus'n Bru tonight.
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141. It's a four leaf clover.
Make a wish.
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142. Wish you weren't so
fucking awkward, bud.
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143. Is Angie working?
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144. Better have
a peek-see, Wayne.
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145. How are yous?
Not too bad.
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146. Good. And you?
Not too bad.
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147. Smells like someone's
in their barn clothes.
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148. It's Dary.
Four shots of Gus'n Bru,
please and thank you,
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149. One for you, too,
Gailor.
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150. Thank you, Wayne,
but I'm off the sauce.
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151. Taking eight vitamins
a day now.
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152. What are you taking?
I'm taking multi-vitamin,
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153. fish oil, vitamin C,
vitamin D,
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154. two vitamin B complexes
and two Cold-FX's.
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155. Yeah, but 'cept
how many darts though?
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156. Twenty, 25 darts.
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157. Oh, you got
'er down then?
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158. Last I seen ya,
you were on a pack
and a half of smokes.
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159. Well, sometimes,
I'll have a pack
and a half of smokes,
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160. but never more than
two packs of smokes.
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161. Good enough.
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162. All right. Won't be rude.
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163. I'd hang a piss.
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164. Oh, fuck.
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165. I'm about to give birth
to a pound of fudge.
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166. Wayne.
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167. McMurray.
How're ya now?
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168. Good 'n you?
Not so bad.
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169. Seen Angie, with
her new dude?
What a fuckin' dandy.
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170. Yeah. He's got
fugazi-diamonds
in both ears
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171. and leprechaun
buckles on his shoes.
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172. Running a fuckin'
Dippity-Doo convention
upstairs for a salad.
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173. Driving a '94 Jeep YJ
with a wave decal on the side.
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174. Enough cologne to offend
a Bangkok lady boy.
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175. Good enough.
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176. Do you want to hear
the best part?
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177. You really wanna
hear the best part.
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178. Okay.
He went full Bieber eyes.
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179. What?
Bieber eyes.
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180. Wayne.
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181. Wayne. Wayne, look.
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182. It's inappropriate,
McMurray.
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183. Wayne, just look
for fuck's sake.
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184. Just fuckin' look, Wayne.
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185. Full Bieber eyes.
What's that?
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186. Bieber. The pop star.
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187. I'm not familiar
with his work.
(DOOR OPENING)
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188. This must be where
the dicks hang out, eh?
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189. Our dicks hang out.
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190. Yours is like a mushroom
in a corn field.
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191. Mind your fuckin'
business, Alexander.
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192. Seen Angie with her new dude?
What a fuckin' dandy.
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193. Eyes on your own
work there, super chief.
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194. Thank Christ, Wayne,
I'm pushing clobs here.
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195. Get outta the way,
I'm growing a tail.
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196. Wayne, I would like
to cordially invite you to
the Burning Bush Youth Group
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197. this Sunday, for an
evening of song and praise.
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198. Hard no.
My sweetie, Margaret,
is a first class gal.
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199. She's got some friends
she can introduce you to.
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200. Margaret? Sounds like
a biddy old blue-hair'd.
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201. She's not. She's a very
focused young woman on the
path to eternity with Christ.
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202. And which part
of that appeals to you?
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203. I like singing the songs.
Sort yourself out.
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204. You're a pervert, Daryl.
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205. Jesus, your breath could stop
a Mack truck right now.
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206. All right, cool it.
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207. What say, we go for
a quick ice run, Wayne?
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208. I'm pushing up on you
for years now.
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209. What's say you give
old Gailor one for
the scrapbook?
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210. Huh?
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211. I'll do the Youth Group.
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212. All right.
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213. Gail, looks like the
John's allergic to fudge.
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214. Bring the plunger,
we may have
to break this one up.
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215. Told you to flush
as you go. Fuck.
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216. Hi, Daryl.
Christ be with you.
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217. Margaret.
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218. And you must be Wayne.
Mmm-hmm.
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219. Christ be with you, Wayne.
Hello.
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220. How are yous?
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221. Oh, not s'bad.
Good 'n you?
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222. Perfect.
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223. You made a good choice
coming here, tonight.
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224. Yeah? Why is that?
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225. Hold your finger here
for as long as you can.
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226. What for...
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227. All right.
Now imagine,
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228. your soul engulfed
in that for all of eternity.
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229. Okay.
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230. God is good.
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231. That's how they get you.
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232. Wayne's been going through
a bit of a rough break up,
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233. and I thought a night
at the Burning Bush
might help him out.
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234. Plus, it's better
than spending
all his time on Tinder.
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235. Tinder?
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236. Did you know that
it was originally
called Grindr
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237. and that it was made
for gay men to sodomize
each other?
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238. No.
Yeah.
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239. Good way to get
a finger in your bum.
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240. Or a tongue in your bum.
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241. Do you know
what Dick Dingers are?
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242. No.
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243. It's when they snort drugs
off of each other's
erect penises.
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244. That have just
been in bums.
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245. Oh, my gourd!
Look at this turnout.
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246. Hi, everybody.
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247. Quick question for all y'all.
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248. How good is God?
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249. I know, I know,
I love him.
He's the best.
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250. There's almost no one
I like more.
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251. Second question,
has anyone seen...
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252. Where is my beautiful
girlfriend, Virginia?
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253. Ginny, where are you?
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254. There she is,
Ginny, come on up here.
Come up, Ginny.
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255. (CLAPS)
Oh, ugh, Ginny.
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256. Ginny, Ginny,
Ginny. Hmm.
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257. I still remember,
like it was yesterday,
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258. the day that the Lord
gave you to me.
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259. And he said, "Glen,
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260. "this is your blank canvas,
it is pale.
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261. "It is colorless,
it is almost cardboard-like.
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262. "I want you
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263. "to give it life,
to give it color."
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264. And so I said to the Lord,
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265. "I will give it everything,
everything.
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266. "Except for one thing."
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267. (AUDIENCE CHATTERING)
What was that question?
Uh, hmm?
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268. Vaginal intercourse!
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269. Guess what, boys and girls?
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270. You're in for somethin'
special, 'cause we got
The Salty Treats.
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271. What the actual fuck
is this place?
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272. Why can't you just
enjoy yourself?
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273. It's 'cause I get onto
this Tinder thing,
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274. and now they tell me
it's for finding dudes.
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275. But that's some
bullshit, right?
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276. I don't know.
You want some
strawberry lemonade?
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277. I haven't seen this sort
of fuckin' bedlam since
we fired Roman Candles
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278. at coyotes that night
and caught one right
in the butt hole, fuck.
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279. Ran up the back porch,
dropped seven shades of shit
in Dad's work boots.
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280. Could have been a wolf.
There's wolf's in
the back bush.
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281. There's for sure mooses.
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282. Have a dart.
Yeah, I'd have a dart.
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283. Oh, fuckin' Grindr.
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284. Grindr?
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285. (GROWLING) Grindr.
What?
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286. Pray tell, what are you doing
on Grindr, Wayne?
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287. What are you skids
doing out of your parents'
basement, Stewart?
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288. The gang and I have been
doing hip-hop karaoke
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289. for the better part
of 48 hours.
Out on the decks.
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290. Ones and twos.
The entire 48.
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291. Subsequently spittin'
hot fire. (EXHALES)
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292. Playing Mega-Man
and Final Fantasy
on original NES.
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293. Pokémon Gold,
on GameBoy Color.
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294. Gotta catch 'em all.
Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venusaur,
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295. Charmeleon, Charizard,
fuckin' Charmander.
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296. Fuckin' Charmander.
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297. Time to take
about 20% off on the
meth intake, boys
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298. Ever played
Dr. Mario on Super NES?
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299. (EXCLAIMS) Game is full
of subliminal messages.
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300. Hunter S. Thompson would
have had a field day.
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301. Hunter S.? Charles Bukowski.
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302. Oh, yes, Chuck Bukowski.
That's a better
one, Stewart.
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303. Ever played Aladdin
on original Sega G?
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304. Coffee? Tea? Sega?
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305. Lion King was
far ahead of its time.
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306. Makes you think far
beyond your years.
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307. Disney games prevail!
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308. You got any weed?
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309. I always regret coming
to the surface with you,
day-walking hicks.
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310. The minutiae of your world.
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311. My basement resembles
an island Xanadu,
in comparison.
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312. Okay.
Ah, but some quick math
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313. tells me this time, however,
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314. you've been so agonized
by a woman you're now seeking
the company of men.
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315. Oh, okay.
We've all thought about it.
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316. Well, good on you
for doubling down.
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317. Although, I didn't
peg you for
a pipe fitter, Wayne.
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318. (GROWLING) Pegged!
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319. Five years with Angie,
we figured you were
a concrete clam slammer.
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320. Why drink from the furry cup
when the garden hose
is right there?
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321. Who knew he liked
the chutney ferret, eh fellas?
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322. Fuckin' what?
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323. Knob jockey.
Back door bandit.
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324. I'm gay, but donut puncher!
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325. Just gimme my phone.
Oh, yeah, sure thing.
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326. Oklahomo.
Rear admiral.
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327. Uphill gardener.
(LAUGHING) Bum bumper.
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328. This is awkward for me,
you guys.
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329. Hey, it's okay.
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330. We know, and we
support you. (GRUNTS)
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331. All right.
Donald Trump of rump!
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332. Phone.
Okay.
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333. But only because
you have this weird...
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334. Menergy...
(IN FALSETTO) Menergy!
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335. About you.
(MOANS) Sorry.
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336. That's a great name for a spa.
(GROWLS)
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337. Oh, stop it.
You know I love ripping didge.
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338. If you don't change
your attitude you're gonna
lose out on all the girls.
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339. Like the 12-year-olds
or the 13-year-olds?
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340. Well, have you noticed
all the well-groomed
dudes here?
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341. You missed
the best part.
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342. Glen just did
his didgeridoo solo.
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343. Well, that's pretty much it.
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344. You guys wanna get
some milk shakes?
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345. I think Modeans
is open.
Boy, howdy.
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346. Well, well, well...
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347. Daryl, girl,
Wayne.
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348. Bit surprised to see you here,
I'm being honest.
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349. Didn't realize you were
big fan of the didge.
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350. Aw. More of
a didgere-don't?
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351. What do you do
with the fertile, Wayne?
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352. Didn't I just catch
you cruisin' Grindr?
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353. Come again?
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354. Hey, shouldn't
you boys be watching
Friday Night Lights
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355. with a gym sock
on your joy stick?
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356. Chirp Tim Riggins.
I fuckin' dare you.
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357. Mix in a little One Tree Hill
and maybe some Gossip Girl.
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358. But I think we've got
bigger fish to fry right here.
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359. Looking for love
over the rainbow now,
are we Dorothy?
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360. I hate you,
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361. but can confirm
deer season's over.
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362. He's hunting bear now.
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363. I fuckin' hate you too.
However, fuckin' hate
him more.
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364. And I just found out
he's ambidextrous.
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365. What are they talking
about, Wayne?
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366. He likes dicks now.
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367. In his bum.
Or his mouth.
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368. All over.
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369. Oh, my God.
That's Angie's new boyfriend?
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370. Oh, that's that city boy.
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371. What a skirt.
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372. (CHUCKLES)
What a shit.
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373. Fuck, Lemony Snicket,
what a series
of unfortunate events
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374. you fuckin' been through,
you ugly fuck.
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375. Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
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376. Fuck you, Stewart.
Hey, fuck you...
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377. Yeah, fuck yourself.
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378. You must be having
a fun night.
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379. "Ur bro is gay.
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380. "LMFAO." In all caps,
from Riley.
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381. Wayne? You remember
when you were 19,
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382. those worm pickers kept coming
in the night and trampling
on our beans?
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383. What did you do?
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384. Dug six foot holes,
put a skunk in each one
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385. and waited for them
to fall in.
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386. Remember when the skids
egged Daryl on his bike?
What did you do?
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387. Put some stink bombs
in a Nerf gun and fired it
at them on prom night.
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388. Remember when you came
in from chorin' and found
those messages
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389. on my computer from a guy
calling me a slut?
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390. I wanted a piece
of that guy for a long time.
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391. You drove over to his house
and broke his nose
on his front lawn.
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392. You know, I miss that Wayne.
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393. I think a lot
of people do.
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394. It's for the better.
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395. This is Sparta!
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396. Ow! Fuck!
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397. What the hell are you doing?
I'd ask you the same thing,
you fuckin' tit.
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398. I'm taping an idiot.
I'm not sneaking up on dudes
and starting fights.
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399. I'm not fightin' ya.
I'm smackin' ya.
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400. Oh, that's right.
You don't fight
anymore, do you?
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401. I figured I'd have one
on deck for sure
after I stole your girl.
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402. Nothin', eh?
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403. No move?
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404. She must've trained you well.
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405. So what's it gonna take
to get you back
on the horse there, champ?
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406. Do I go inside and spread
Angie right out on the bar
when she gets here?
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407. I've fucked your girl
more times than you've
had a hot meal.
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408. Maybe your sister
wants to join us.
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409. It's Katy, right?
Shit.
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410. Why don't I go over
there and ask her myself?
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411. Pull your pants up,
Alexander.
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412. You've come this far.
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413. Welcome to fuckin'
Letterkenny.
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414. Good to have you back,
big brother.
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415. Hi, Katy
Go home, Daryl.
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416. Bye, Wayne.
Have a good one bro.
Bye, Wayne.
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417. See you later, buddy.
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