Landman 1x1

1. I need to go to the bathroom.

2. Tengo que ir al baño.

3. Listen, I got to piss, okay?

4. You want me to piss my fucking pants?

5. I'm about to piss my fucking pants, all right?

6. Fuck me.

7. You say you own this land.

8. We have the rights.

9. No.

10. We own this land.

11. You own the surface,

12. which you purchased from Daniel Piersall,

13. and Daniel Piersall's father

14. sold the mineral rights in 1993

15. to the Permian Basin Trust,

16. who subcontracted the rights to Meridian Oil,

17. which was bought by Conoco Phillips,

18. and sold to M-TEX Oil,

19. who only recently discovered the rights.

20. We don't want your oil here.

21. Well, wish in one hand, shit in the other,

22. see which one fills up first.

23. Maybe I slice you from your huevos to your throat

24. and hang you from a bridge.

25. Huh?

26. See if oil companies come then.

27. Well, first they'll hire Halliburton to build files

28. on you fucking assholes

29. that the FBI only dreams about having.

30. Then they'll send 30 Tier 1 operators

31. from Triple Canopy, and they'll bust you like a fucking piñata.

32. And if any of you dipshits do make it back to Mexico,

33. they'll blow your fucking house up with a drone.

34. With your family in it.

35. It costs six million to put in a new well.

36. They're putting in 800 right fucking here.

37. That's 4.8 billion in pumpjacks.

38. They'll put in another billion

39. on water and housing and trucking.

40. At $78 a barrel, that's 6.4 million a day.

41. For the next 50 fucking years.

42. So, yeah, the oil company's coming.

43. So, they send you to tell us fuck off?

44. They sent me to negotiate a surface lease.

45. And we'll build you a nice all-weather road

46. that leads to our oil wells and to the highway.

47. And a few others, if you need them.

48. He's gonna build us a road.

49. Hey, here's the deal,

50. and it's the only deal:

51. You don't fuck with our product, we don't fuck with yours.

52. Because if you do, we'll put in a DEA substation

53. right across the fucking street.

54. We got a deal?

55. We got a deal.

56. Surface lease agreement's in there.

57. Signature pages are marked.

58. Now, we'll need an address for the surface lease payment

59. and the damage reimbursements.

60. Damage?

61. Yeah.

62. We'll pay you for the damage to the land

63. we built your roads on and the pads for our pumpjacks.

64. You pay me?

65. Yeah, we pay you.

66. Mm, strange business.

67. Same as yours.

68. No, I don't think so.

69. You sell a product

70. that your customers are dependent on.

71. Yes.

72. It's the same.

73. Ours is just bigger.

74. Vámonos.

75. Oil and Gas Industry makes

76. $3 billion dollars a day in pure profit.

77. Generates over $4.3 trillion dollars a year in revenue.

78. It is the seventh largest industry in the world,

79. ranked ahead of food production,

80. automobile production, coal mining,

81. and at 1.4 trillion, the pharmaceutical industry

82. doesn't even crack the top ten.

83. The industries listed ahead of oil and gas

84. are completely dependent on

85. oil and gas.

86. The more they grow,

87. the more we grow.

88. That's the scale.

89. That's the size of this thing.

90. And it's only getting bigger.

91. This fucking job.

92. But before any of that money is made,

93. you gotta get the lease.

94. You gotta secure the rights and lock up the surface.

95. Then babysit the owners, babysit the crews.

96. Then manage the police and the press

97. when the babies refuse to be sat.

98. That's my job.

99. Secure the lease, then manage the people.

100. First part's pretty simple.

101. It's the second part that can get you killed.

102. What the—

103. Come on.

104. You baby Norris?

105. - Cooper. - Nah.

106. I think baby's better.

107. Get in.

108. Three black coffees?

109. Oh, you got another one in there.

110. You want something, sugar?

111. Uh...

112. I can have that effect.

113. Do you like black coffee,

114. or a little bit of milk in there?

115. I'll take, uh...

116. Yeah, actually some milk. Can I have a latte?

117. - What the fuck? - A what?

118. You just order a fucking latte? What?

119. - An aristocrat. - What?

120. Don't normally make lattes till the bankers wake up.

121. We don't have time to wait for a fucking latte.

122. Why the fuck do you need a latte, bro?

123. - I— I just ordered— - He's asking her to make

124. - the most complicated shit, man. - We got to get to work.

125. - Sorry. - "Sorry."

126. You want to ask for a continental breakfast?

127. - I— - What the fuck is your problem?

128. - Oh, here we go. - Here it comes.

129. The white kid ordered a latte!

130. Great job, man. First day.

131. That'll be 27, sweetie.

132. Unreal.

133. This is for you, darling.

134. Hey, if you're gonna work the patch

135. you got to learn how to drink it black,

136. 'cause everything we do is on the fucking go.

137. I just don't like the way it tastes.

138. Ain't about the taste, son, it's about the fuel.

139. Six hours from now when you need a jolt,

140. you can't drink that curdled milk.

141. Be throwing up all over my truck.

142. You don't want to throw up in his truck.

143. In fact, give me that.

144. Yeah, give that shit—

145. Your father said to make you into a roughneck.

146. May as well start now.

147. All right, Monday, let's see what you got.

148. How was the night?

149. H.R.-- they stopped to ask for gang affiliations.

150. So now I got this drilling crew that's half Bloods,

151. half Crips, who decided to have a gunfight

152. in the fucking man camp last night.

153. You can't wear straw. It ain't Easter yet.

154. It's gonna be 95 today.

155. I'd say that's Easter enough, wouldn't you?

156. Goddamn it, Dale.

157. How many times am I gonna have to tell you

158. to pour the beans in a fucking bowl?

159. You burn up a microwave a week

160. putting them fucking cans in there.

161. - Tastes different in a bowl. - No, they don't.

162. They taste exactly the fucking same.

163. Mm-mm, taste different.

164. Well, shit, I guess cowboy culture

165. is out the fucking window with you two, huh?

166. You see a cowboy in this room, you point him out.

167. When's your hitch done?

168. - Today. Mm. - Thank God.

169. - Be at the courthouse by 11:00. - Yeah.

170. Not 11:30, 11:00.

171. Yes, sir.

172. Hello?

173. What?

174. - What? - How-how far?

175. Just send me a pin.

176. I'm on the way. All right.

177. On your way where?

178. You're gonna have to depose me tomorrow.

179. It has to be today, Tommy.

180. These sons of bitches are so far up my ass,

181. they're staring at the back of my tonsils.

182. Well, it's gonna have to be tomorrow,

183. 'cause I think I found our plane.

184. You guys lost a plane?

185. How the fuck you lose a plane?

186. prices are up with the national average,

187. reaching $3.86.

188. News of maintenance work at both Valero and Tesoro

189. refineries scheduled for May has sparked fears of

190. a summer gasoline shortage.

191. Yeah, ask 'em why they're doing maintenance in May, Kate.

192. OPEC meets next week to discuss an increase in production.

193. No, they're not.

194. They're gonna cut production, honey.

195. They're gonna take oil to a hundred.

196. Who the hell is your shitty source, anyway?

197. Although some insiders fear a cut in production...

198. Well, look at the brain on Kate.

199. You keep listening to your insiders.

200. You may figure this game out.

201. What in the fucking hell?

202. Call Nate.

203. Is it our plane?

204. Yeah, it looks like it.

205. - Where is it? - In about a thousand pieces

206. out here on the road we built by the Pyote field.

207. - Hey, let me call you back. - Should I call Fort Worth?

208. Yeah, somebody should.

209. Quite a mess.

210. You ain't seen the mess yet.

211. Can I leave my truck here?

212. It's your road.

213. FAA says you reported this plane stolen.

214. Yeah, six weeks ago.

215. And you didn't feel like you needed to report that to me?

216. Well, if you were the fucking airplane police,

217. I would have, Walt, but since you're not,

218. I called the airplane police.

219. It's their job to call you, not mine.

220. Well, they didn't.

221. Well, I don't know what to tell you.

222. That's the federal government for you.

223. What's all this?

224. One of 75 reasons you should have called me

225. the second that plane went missing.

226. - Cocaine? - Maybe.

227. Maybe heroin.

228. Where's the pilot?

229. Cooking in the cockpit.

230. I got DEA and FAA sending HAZMAT crews

231. down here to pull him out.

232. Stay upwind of that shit.

233. It'll kill you quicker than a bullet.

234. That's a TTP truck.

235. Yep.

236. What the fuck's it doing on our road?

237. He's probably gonna ask you the same thing about that plane.

238. Did you report it stolen to your insurance company?

239. You know how this shit works.

240. Trucks and excavators and all kinds of shit

241. go missing every day.

242. And then a couple months later, they find their way back.

243. If I reported everything that was stolen around here,

244. the whole fucking Permian Basin would be a crime scene.

245. Goddamn it.

246. I got 4,200 barrels of oil

247. I got to move out of here every day.

248. Not on this road.

249. Not for a while.

250. I'm gonna need some love on this deal, Walt.

251. What kind of love?

252. The kind that backdates a police report.

253. For God sakes, Tommy.

254. The FAA was aware.

255. They dropped the ball.

256. Just use the date that I gave them,

257. and match it, that's all.

258. You know how many eyes are gonna be on this thing?

259. The kind with a "G" on their license plate.

260. I ain't backdating nothing.

261. Okay, in today's report,

262. just note that FAA was notified last month.

263. Can you do that?

264. It's the fucking truth, Walt.

265. I'll put it in my report.

266. All right, in all caps, please.

267. Hey, I'm gonna need a road crew out here.

268. I'm gonna drop you a pin.

269. Need a half a mile detour around an incident site.

270. Hey, Walt, can we build a road

271. around on that side over there,

272. so we can elbow around this shit?

273. - Over there? - Yeah.

274. Over there where the dead body and the drugs are? No.

275. Okay, well, how about that side over there?

276. Is there any dead bodies and dope over there?

277. Haven't looked over there yet.

278. Well, how about we fucking go look then?

279. Shit.

280. Well, I don't see any dead drug dealers over here.

281. Not any dead guys here, not any dope—

282. Fuck.

283. Walt?

284. There's a dead son of a bitch over here.

285. - Yo! - Sir?

286. - Come tape it off. - Hey, I'm back.

287. Listen, we're gonna need enough caliche for about a mile

288. to get us around this fucking mess.

289. So I want you to start right now and don't stop till you're done.

290. Run 'em all night.

291. All right.

292. I wouldn't want to have your job this week.

293. Shit, you wouldn't want to have my job any week, Walt.

294. Call Monty Miller.

295. Great.

296. Well, it looks like it's gonna be Monday all day today.

297. Actually, it won't be Monday once today, Tommy.

298. It's Friday.

299. It can't be Friday. I just got here yesterday.

300. March first, you switched to a Friday through Tuesday.

301. If you would look at me, you would see the calendar.

302. If you looked at me, we'd still be married.

303. Well, I'm going down the highway at 80 miles an hour.

304. If I looked at you, I'd probably die.

305. That was a pretty big truck, wasn't it?

306. Okay, it's Friday.

307. You have Ainsley.

308. - Ainsley? - Yeah, it's your weekend.

309. You just told me my weekend is Wednesday and Thursday.

310. Yours is, but the rest of the world

311. takes Saturday and Sunday off.

312. That world includes me and your daughter.

313. Victor and I are going to Cabo

314. and I can't leave Ainsley alone in this house.

315. Honey, she's 17 fucking years old.

316. Have you seen her new boyfriend?

317. Goddamn it. Hold on, I'm pulling over.

318. Look at this kid.

319. I mean, she could get pregnant from the fucking photograph.

320. Okay, I see your point.

321. Do you trust her driving to you?

322. To Odessa?

323. - Yeah. - Are you shittin' me?

324. Have her go to Meacham.

325. I'll put her on the flight with the engineers.

326. Okay...

327. You changed your hair color.

328. Yeah, the redhead experiment is over.

329. Well, I always preferred your natural color,

330. to tell you the truth.

331. Baby, you've never seen my natural color.

332. So what time are you and Vernon going to—

333. - Victor. - Victor.

334. Uh, what time are y'all leaving for Cabo?

335. Not till tonight.

336. Well, how come you'd be dressed that way

337. at 8:00 in the morning, then?

338. You think this is dressed up?

339. Uh, yeah, I do. And so do you.

340. Do you like it?

341. Yes, I do like it.

342. You see, one of life's great pleasures

343. is showing you what you're missing.

344. You don't have to show me to know, honey.

345. I already know.

346. How's our baby?

347. Uh, it's his first day.

348. First days ain't easy.

349. Another Norris in the oil patch.

350. What a waste.

351. Wasn't my idea.

352. Apple don't fall far, does it?

353. Well, you're half of the tree, in case you forgot, darlin'.

354. Anyway, just get her at the airport there

355. by 3:00, all right?

356. Or fuckin' hang up on me, either way.

357. The way I got started in this,

358. I was working in West Texas as a petroleum engineer

359. and I decided that it was time

360. to have a little adventure in life.

361. And I answered this one particular advertisement

362. to go to work for a company in Libya

363. as a field petroleum engineer.

364. My Arabic friends used to laugh at me

365. because I would speak Arabic with a Texas accent.

366. And it was hard for them to understand my Arabic,

367. even though I was speaking the true words.

368. Things were going along pretty well until 1967.

369. There was the Arab/Israeli War.

370. And we could certainly see that the Arab view

371. of us expatriates was beginning to dim.

372. I will tell you what.

373. I am about done with looking north of I-20.

374. I sunk three wells last week. I didn't even hit water.

375. It's because there ain't any water north of I-20.

376. More than there is south of it.

377. - What county? - Stonewall.

378. Shit, they been sucking that oil for a hundred years.

379. Frack the ones that are going dry

380. and get the hell out.

381. Besides, what are you gonna do with three wells?

382. That's where my minerals are.

383. Should've bought the basin after Covid hit.

384. No, I don't play that big.

385. We were buying 100 sections for five cents on the dollar.

386. That ain't big, that's smart.

387. There ain't no new oil to be found in that rocky red dirt.

388. Shit. This ain't gonna be good.

389. Give me a second, boys.

390. Yeah, go ahead, Mon.

391. Hey, let me get somewhere quiet.

392. All right, how bad?

393. That's a tricky one to answer.

394. Is it something you and Nate can handle?

395. Well, they're gonna hit you from three directions.

396. The insurance company, victims' families and TTP.

397. All right, well, I'll handle TTP.

398. Who's the best litigation firm in Midland?

399. Well, they won't file here, they'll file in Houston.

400. First one to hire Shepherd-Hastings wins.

401. Who do you like over there?

402. Clay Chandler is an assassin. You want me to call him?

403. No, I'll call him, you just keep this shit out of the news.

404. This is the patch, Monty.

405. An airplane full of drugs

406. being run over by an oil tanker ain't news,

407. that's just another Monday.

408. Yeah, well, it ain't Monday, Tommy.

409. It's Monday to me.

410. What's he supposed to be checking?

411. Tucker valve.

412. What the fuck is a Tucker valve?

413. First day on the job.

414. Motherfucker, I can't have Tommy Norris's son

415. dying on my pad— get him down from there.

416. All right, I'll do it right now.

417. You got to go right up at the top!

418. Like that?

419. I don't see it!

420. You got to go higher!

421. Higher!

422. I don't see any valve!

423. I remember when you did this shit to me.

424. Almost shit my pants.

425. You did shit your pants.

426. Higher!

427. Oh, fuck.

428. - I don't see the valve! - No? You don't see the gauge?

429. No! No gauge!

430. Oh, you know what? Never mind, it's down here.

431. Oh, what the fuck.

432. So I can come down?

433. What, are you gonna stay up there all day?

434. Gets your ass down here!

435. Oh, shit.

436. Whoa!

437. - Oh, shit. - Nah—

438. This kid is gonna fuckin' die. Hey, kid!

439. Take your time!

440. Go, go, go, go, go.

441. Shit.

442. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

443. - He's stuck. - He's gonna be fine.

444. Hey.

445. Why you so scared, man?

446. You got a harness on.

447. You're wired, all right?

448. Yeah.

449. - You good? - Uh-huh.

450. Look at me.

451. Get your feet set first.

452. Come on.

453. Then one hand, then the other.

454. Okay. Okay.

455. Three points of contact.

456. - Three points of contact. - Yeah, yeah, at all times.

457. - Okay, okay. - Okay?

458. Let's head down.

459. - Okay. - Ain't got all day.

460. Sh-Shit.

461. You're good, man. Almost there.

462. You good or what? what happened?

463. Holy shit, bro. All right, let's go.

464. You dumb-ass. Come on.

465. Let me see that hand.

466. Okay, rinse it.

467. There's a first-aid kit in the field office.

468. Wrap it.

469. So the gauge was down here the whole time?

470. Wait a minute, were you guys fuckin' with me?

471. Yes. First day, man. Gonna happen.

472. - Yeah. - Hey, come on.

473. Go on!

474. Welcome to the patch.

475. You did good, son.

476. You did good.

477. Your day about to start or just end?

478. I'm in the middle of mine.

479. All right, which you want? Breakfast, supper?

480. How come you ain't got a lunch menu?

481. Because there ain't no such thing as lunch in the patch.

482. Truer words, Ellie.

483. - Dinner. - All right.

484. And can you drink beer in the middle?

485. I don't see why not. It's Friday for somebody.

486. All right, I'll bring you a pitcher.

487. Thanks.

488. Want to order a pitcher?

489. Ah, already did.

490. If Ultra's okay with you.

491. Oh, a Michelob man, huh?

492. Yeah, well, two million team ropers can't be wrong.

493. We got to get paid on this fire deal, Tommy.

494. You burned up 8,000 acres.

495. We're sitting on a $300,000 loss.

496. I didn't burn up anything. The fire burned it.

497. Started by a faulty switch in your pump jack.

498. And spread by 50-mile-an-hour winds.

499. It's got "act of God" written all over it.

500. If it hadn't been for that wind,

501. that thing don't spread past 50 meters.

502. Listen, M-TEX has been a good partner.

503. That's why we didn't join that class action.

504. But we suffered real damages and we need to be reimbursed.

505. Boys, boys, boys. We eatin' or just arguin'?

506. - Just arguing now, honey. - All right.

507. Listen, if we pay for surface damages,

508. we're admitting fault.

509. - You are at fault. - Well, so are you.

510. It started on your client's land.

511. And they got a fire crew over there.

512. They didn't stop it, they didn't even try.

513. We'll sign an NDA.

514. 'Cause that's worth the paper it's printed on?

515. Listen, we will not let you drill another well

516. until this is handled.

517. Okay, how about this:

518. I pay you $300,000, but it's for a solar lease.

519. Our client doesn't want solar on the ranch.

520. We don't sell solar panels, we're a fucking oil company.

521. But I can justify payment on solar rights or wind.

522. What time period you talking about?

523. I don't give a shit. Make it six months.

524. I just don't want to have to pay you damages.

525. I think I can make that fly.

526. I don't see why you couldn't.

527. That's easier than selling pussy at a men's prison.

528. I find that offensive, sir.

529. To who, the pussy or the prisoners?

530. I find it difficult

531. to do business with people who offend me.

532. Well, you see, we're not in business together.

533. We lease your mineral rights, and in exchange for that,

534. we pay you $2 and a half million dollars a year.

535. And maintain your roads and dig your stock tanks.

536. So, don't delude yourself into thinking you're a rancher.

537. You're an oilman who spends the money we give you on cattle.

538. If it hadn't been for us,

539. your family would have lost that ranch in the '50s.

540. So, you just say "Thank you," take the $300,000 for the grass,

541. and then I keep sending you $200,000 checks every month.

542. But don't you dare pretend that I offend you.

543. You smile and say, "I'll take it."

544. Very good offer.

545. I recommend you take it.

546. I'll take it, but I ain't smiling.

547. I guess not.

548. It takes a check to make you do that, don't it?

549. I can't wait for the day

550. when you and everyone like you leaves this place.

551. You might want to think that through.

552. 'Cause if I'm gone, that means the oil's gone,

553. and if the oil's gone, that means the money's gone,

554. and that means you're gone.

555. We'll write it up, get it to you next week.

556. Now are we eating?

557. I guess I'm eating alone now.

558. Oh, baby. What can I get you?

559. Daddy!

560. - Baby. - Hi!

561. You get prettier every day, little angel.

562. You didn't drink them out of those little Tito's bottles,

563. - did you? - Daddy, of course not.

564. Your engineers did that.

565. Well, they have the practice.

566. I want you to meet my boyfriend.

567. Your mother didn't say anything about the boyfriend coming.

568. 'Cause you know Mommy. The less she knows the better.

569. She's such a helicopter parent.

570. - I don't know what that means. - Just hovering

571. and hovering and hovering, always.

572. Daddy, meet Dakota.

573. Mr. Norris.

574. - Pleasure, sir. - Yeah, good to meet you.

575. Dakota? What's your last name?

576. Loving, sir.

577. "Dakota Loving."

578. You can't make that shit up.

579. Let's go.

580. So windy.

581. So, what would you kids like to do tonight?

582. Well, do you have a car we could borrow?

583. No, I don't.

584. What about this one?

585. This one's mine.

586. Okay.

587. We could watch the spring game.

588. Yeah, Dakota's a football fanatic.

589. Well, not a, not a fanatic, honey.

590. A phenom.

591. Oh, sorry, baby. Phenom.

592. He's a phenom.

593. You know, he made ESPN's top 50.

594. - Is that so? - Mm-hmm.

595. Did you pick a school yet?

596. Uh, Alabama.

597. Little far from Tech, isn't it?

598. Well, I applied to Alabama

599. as soon as Dakota accepted their offer.

600. It's just a tough school to get into.

601. Uh, but I, you know, I talked to Coach Saban,

602. told him how much I wanted her there.

603. I play better when she's watching me.

604. You know Coach Saban retired, right?

605. What?

606. - Uh... no. No. - Did he retire?

607. That's rumors.

608. You know, maybe we should go to this game.

609. - Did you talk to him? - Yeah, yeah. He—

610. Yeah, let's go to the game.

611. Go! Go! Go! Go!

612. Hike!

613. That son of a bitch is a celebrity.

614. If I don't get into Alabama,

615. I'm gonna die, Daddy.

616. I swear to God, I'm gonna die.

617. You're not gonna die.

618. I'll die.

619. Are you two having sex?

620. Daddy.

621. - Well, I had to ask. - Of course.

622. And that's what I get for asking.

623. Are you being careful?

624. We have a rule and we stick to it.

625. I'm gonna regret asking you this,

626. but what is this rule?

627. As long as he never comes in me,

628. he can come anywhere on me.

629. I'm gonna go get a Dr. Pepper. You want anything?

630. No.

631. Thanks for being so cool, Daddy.

632. I could never tell Mama these kind of things.

633. - Can I get a Dr. Pepper? - Yes.

634. You got any bourbon back there?

635. Sir?

636. Never mind.

637. - Rough day? - You could say that.

638. I got some pot gummies if you want. No charge.

639. Oh, that's real sweet of you, honey,

640. but I think I'm gonna pass on that.

641. How much do I owe you?

642. That'll be four, please.

643. Four?

644. There you go. And keep that for yourself.

645. Appreciate it.

646. Hello.

647. He survived.

648. How'd he do?

649. Green, real green.

650. but don't say no, and he tries.

651. I mean, that's something.

652. Waste of a college degree, if you ask me.

653. Well, nobody's asking you. Nobody's asking me, either.

654. Like father like son, if you know what I mean.

655. No one knows better.

656. I got a truckload of "father like son."

657. That's why I put him with you,

658. to keep him out of trouble.

659. - I'll do my best. - All right.

660. I'll talk to you later.

661. Are you shitting me? This pretty son of a bitch

662. with his giant hand on my daughter's ass?

663. - What did you just say? - What?

664. Are you talking about my ass?

665. No, I'm talking about that guy grabbing my daughter's ass

666. in front of the whole world.

667. Oh, my gosh, that's Dakota Loving.

668. You've got to be shitting me.

669. Cooper.

670. Cooper.

671. This is your pod.

672. Hey, uh, what you got going on for supper?

673. I-I don't know.

674. You got food in there?

675. I'll probably just drive back to town.

676. Close the door.

677. Thank you.

678. Say "gracias."

679. Gracias.

680. You need to learn Spanish

681. 'cause I'm not speaking English all fucking day.

682. - Okay. - All right?

683. This is "cerveza."

684. Yes. Cerveza. I know cerveza.

685. All right, all right. Parrilla.

686. - Parrilla. - Yeah, and that's carne.

687. - Carne. - Yeah.

688. And when-when you're drinking a beer,

689. you say, "Estoy tomando una cerveza."

690. "Estoy t-tomando una cerveza"?

691. And when you're eating a taco, you say,

692. "Estoy comiendo un taco lleno de verga."

693. - "Estoy..." - No, no, no.

694. - Don't say that. - No...

695. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

696. You just say, "Estoy comiendo un taco."

697. - Estoy comiendo un taco. - Okay, you got it.

698. And you know, if I ask you something in English,

699. just ask me how to say it in Spanish

700. and you'll be bilingual in a month.

701. - Okay. - All right.

702. Get that.

703. Well, I mean, she just wants to talk to you.

704. She's your daughter.

705. Hola, chiquita.

706. Hello.

707. That was my daughter.

708. My wife told her no about something,

709. and she knows that I have no pull with the boss, so...

710. So, Elvio, he's your son?

711. Hermanito.

712. Uh, it— uh, he's my little brother.

713. Okay. So, your whole family works the patch?

714. Everybody's whole family works the patch.

715. Hey.

716. My uncle was in prison for ten years.

717. Really?

718. Dude, the o— the only way for a felon to make six figures

719. is to steal it or work the patch.

720. I tried to steal it, and I ended up right where he was.

721. You know what, though?

722. It's better you work for it real hard.

723. You know? That way, nobody can take it away.

724. I can see that.

725. Like, Elvio, he's smart, you know? Real smart.

726. He skipped prison and went straight to the patch.

727. Owns his home.

728. Got his truck paid off. Wife don't work.

729. I mean, how many 24-year-olds can say that?

730. - Not very many. - Not very many.

731. Oh, yeah, the meat's ready.

732. Okay, I got to go, baby.

733. That means, "Let's go eat."

734. Okay, okay.

735. Hey, bring my beer.

736. Dig in, man.

737. How do you say that in Spanish?

738. Not really, but, uh,

739. that'll work.

740. Oh, man, that's good.

741. - Good, right? - Mm-hmm.

742. Holy shit, that's hot.

743. You got a way to go, son.

744. That's not even the hot one, bro.

745. How is that not the hot one?

746. It's not that bad, bro. What'd you give him?

747. Dos tacos de verga.

748. You okay, son?

749. - Yeah. - Don't fucking die here.

750. Holy shit.

751. Man, drink some beer, bro. You good?

752. All right, I'm turning in.

753. - Good night, Daddy. - No, no. You're coming with me.

754. - What? - That's right.

755. We're gonna have an old-fashioned sleep-in,

756. like we used to when you were nine.

757. I'm not sleeping in the same bed as my father.

758. You sleep in the bed. I'll sleep on the floor.

759. The part of the floor that's directly in front of the door.

760. Uh, where's my room, Mr. Norris?

761. Oh, we put you in the junior suite,

762. which is this fucking couch here.

763. Sweet dreams. Come on, baby.

764. You're not preventing anything, Daddy.

765. Just postponing it.

766. You're just forcing the tension to rise even further.

767. You know, there is no telling what I'll let him do to me

768. when he finally has me alone.

769. You know, every now and then, you say things

770. that harken back the other side of your gene pool.

771. - Are you insulting Mama? - Yeah, I am.

772. You don't think we're gonna last, do you?

773. Did that sweatshirt come with pants?

774. Like as a set?

775. I think that's just for nursing homes.

776. I love him.

777. Honey, every romantic relationship

778. you'll ever have will be a failure,

779. except the last one.

780. Do you think this is the last relationship

781. you're ever gonna have?

782. I want it to be.

783. Well, hell, we want all of them to be.

784. Do you think it will be?

785. He can have anyone.

786. - Well, shit, you can, too. - Daddy.

787. By your logic, I should just break up with him now

788. and spare myself the suffering

789. and just wait for the last one.

790. It don't work that way.

791. You got to love your way through the failures.

792. You never know if you're in the last one till you're in it.

793. Did you think Mama was the last one?

794. Shit, no.

795. Hell, honey, I was shocked your mom and I lasted six weeks.

796. Well, why did it last so long?

797. Same as you.

798. I mean, as wrong as we were for each other,

799. I-I loved her.

800. Couldn't keep my damn hands off of her.

801. Shit, I still love her.

802. If she lost the power of speech, I'd marry her again tomorrow.

803. I've never slept with him.

804. We've had sex just about everywhere you can do it.

805. Honey...

806. I've never slept with him.

807. Like, I've...

808. Like, I've never fallen asleep in his arms or...

809. like, woken up in them.

810. Daddy, if I promise not to have sex,

811. can I just sleep with him on the couch?

812. Please?

813. Just sleep?

814. - You promise? - Mm-hmm.

815. I do. Mm-hmm.

816. That couch is a rental.

817. Okay. Got it.

818. Lord, where'd my nuts go?

819. How'd you pull this off?

820. - I made a promise. - Mm, yeah? What's the promise.

821. Well, I can sleep with you, but we can't have sex.

822. Can you make that promise?

823. Uh...

824. I'd rather not.

825. Well, I know baby, but can you make it?

826. Mm.

827. Can we, can we dry hump?

828. You can hold me.

829. Okay, well, let's talk about this.

830. I mean, you promised no sex.

831. Well, that... that leaves out a lot.

832. Yeah?

833. What happened?

834. Guess he's not the last one.

835. He don't know what he's missing.

836. Come on, babe.

837. Come on, babe, lay down.

838. Come here, honey. Come here.

839. How come you're always right?

840. 'Cause I spent all my life being wrong.

841. I never forgot the lessons.

842. Thank you.

843. Honey.

844. Fuck Alabama.

845. Yeah. Fuck 'em.

846. Hey, the 18's too small. Go to 24.

847. Cooper, go get the 24-inch pipe wrench.

848. Which one is that?

849. The one that says "24."

850. Go!

851. The one the size of your arm. You'll see it.

852. You got it?

853. - I'm looking. - Hurry up!

854. - He's bringing the 24. - I got this.

855. - What is he doing? - Okay, here we go.

856. I got it.

857. He's bringing the 24.

858. Okay, that's what it should've been.

859. Oh, yeah. Here we come.

860. Whoa!