1. - I'M NOT READY
TO REVEAL ALL THE TRUTH.
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2. I WAS JUST LIKE YOU—
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3. LOST, OUT OF CONTROL,
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4. IN TOTAL DENIAL.
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5. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT
WAS GOING ON AROUND ME.
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6. WHO'S RUNNING THE BANKS?
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7. WHO'S RUNNING THE GOVERNMENT?
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8. WHO'S RUNNING
ALL THE RELIGIOUS IDEAS?
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9. AND HOW DOES THIS ALL CONNECT
TO THE LIZARD PEOPLE?
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10. OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS,
I HAVE BEEN TRAVELING THE GLOBE
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11. TALKING TO THE WORLD'S
FOREMOST EXPERTS,
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12. AND THEY HAVE OPENED MY EYES.
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13. COME ALONG!
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14. - THERE HAVE BEEN
PEOPLE CONTROLLING STUFF
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15. IN THIS COUNTRY FOR CENTURIES.
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16. - HOW MANY LEGS
DOES A LIZARD HAVE?
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17. - IF YOU SUGGEST
THAT THERE'S AN ILLUMINATI,
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18. WHICH WE DO...
- THESE ARE THE PATTERNS
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19. THAT SHAPE OUR LIVES!
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20. OUR FIRST TRUTHLING
IS A PREEMINENT EXPERT
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21. IN THE FIELD
OF ALTERNATIVE BIOLOGY
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22. AND A CLOSE FRIEND
OF OVER TWO YEARS.
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23. HOW ARE THE LIZARD PEOPLE
CONTROLLING US?
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24. - THE MECHANISM CHIEFLY USED
IS TEMPERATURE CONTROL,
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25. BECAUSE THEY COME
FROM A WARM CLIMATE,
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26. AND THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THAT
GIVES THEM A SPEED ADVANTAGE
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27. OVER US, BEING—
THEY THINK FAST.
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28. - YES.
- THEY MOVE FAST.
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29. IF YOU SEE A LIZARD SCURRYING,
YOU THINK, "OH, IT'S VERY FAST."
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30. EVEN THE HIGHER-EVOLVED ONES,
THEY'RE MORE LIKE HUMAN BEINGS,
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31. THEY'RE FAST ALSO.
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32. - AND WHY...
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33. - IS THERE MIND CONTROL?
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34. - THERE'S MIND CONTROL,
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35. BUT THROUGH MECHANISMS THAT
WE'RE BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND.
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36. WE'RE OBSERVING THE BEHAVIOR
OF THE PENGUINS.
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37. - YES.
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38. - BECAUSE THEY'RE
NATURALLY COLD-BRAINED.
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39. THEY THRIVE
IN THIS ENVIRONMENT.
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40. - CAN PENGUINS FLY?
- PENGUINS ARE NOT ABLE TO FLY.
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41. - OPEN YOUR EYES, WORLD.
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42. - WHEN YOU CONFRONT
THIS INFORMATION, BE BOLD.
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43. BE BOLD.
- BE BOLD, BE BRAVE.
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44. - BE COURAGEOUS
WITH THESE NUMBERS.
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45. DO NOT SHY AWAY,
BECAUSE IT'S ALL—
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46. - AND ALSO, IF PEOPLE
DO WANT TO HIRE YOU
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47. AS A LIMO DRIVER...
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48. - I'M AVAILABLE FOR HIRE.
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49. - OH, MY GOO-GOO.
- I'M BACK.
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50. - LIZ, OH, MY GOD.
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51. YOUR BANGS
HAVE, LIKE, GROWN A LOT.
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52. WELL, LIKE,
THAT'S THE LEAST OF IT.
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53. I'VE GROWN AS WELL.
LIKE, WE'RE LIKE...
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54. - YOU'RE, LIKE, MY SISTER.
IT'S LIKE THAT MOVIE FROZEN.
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55. - WE'RE LIKE THE SISTERS
IN THE MOVIE FROZEN
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56. BECAUSE THERE ARE, LIKE,
CHARACTERS,
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57. LIKE, PRINCESSES,
BUT, LIKE, ALSO ONE IS A WITCH.
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58. - YEAH, SO, LIKE, LIZ,
WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON
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59. SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE?
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60. - I'M LIZ.
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61. I HAD MY BABY.
I BANKRUPTED THE COMPANY.
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62. AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR ME TO GROW UP.
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63. - AND I'M LIZ.
I GOT BANGS!
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64. - OUR P.R. FIRM
IS CALLED PUBLIZITY.
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65. - IT'S BASED OFF OUR NAMES.
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66. - OH, YOUR CAR'S OUTSIDE
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67. FOR YOUR MEETING
WITH TOMMY ROTHCHILD.
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68. - TOMMY ROTHCHILD
IS OUR NEWEST CLIENT,
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69. WE LOOKED HIM UP ON GOOGLE
TO GET MORE INFO ON HIM,
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70. AND THERE WAS NOTHING THERE,
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71. WHICH MEANS HE'S, LIKE,
ULTRA IMPORTANT
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72. AND, LIKE, FULL OF MYSTERY.
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73. - IF THIS CLIENT COMES THROUGH,
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74. I MIGHT NEVER HAVE TO TELL LIZ
THAT I UP
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75. OUR CASH FLOW.
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76. - WHERE ARE WE?
- OH, MY GOD.
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77. THIS IS GORGEOUS.
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78. LIKE, I FEEL LIKE
I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE,
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79. BUT, LIKE,
I DEFINITELY HAVEN'T.
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80. - THANKS SO MUCH
FOR MEETING WITH ME.
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81. OH, MY GOD!
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82. - TOMMY ROTHCHILD'S ENTRANCE
JUST, LIKE, TOOK MY BREATH AWAY.
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83. - WE'VE NEVER BEEN
TO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE,
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84. BUT IT'S, LIKE, VERY CHARMING,
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85. BUT, LIKE, ALSO, LIKE, SHADY.
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86. - SOUNDS LIKE AN EX OF MINE.
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87. - JUST A JOKE.
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88. - LIKE, IS THIS HOW
WE'RE GONNA HAVE THE MEETING?
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89. - I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST
IF I CAME DOWN, BECAUSE...
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90. WE'RE CERTAINLY
NOT DOING IT UP HERE.
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91. WHY NOT?
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92. - I WOULD NEVER MAKE A LADY
WALK UP EVEN A SINGLE STEP.
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93. OH, MY GOD!
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94. - TOMMY ROTHCHILD IS, LIKE,
SUCH A GENTLEMAN.
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95. IT'S, LIKE, I'M EMBARRASSED,
THAT I HAVE, LIKE,
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96. A LITTLE BIT OF A CRUSH ON HIM.
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97. OH, MY GOD.
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98. OH, MY GOD.
- PLEASE.
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99. - TOMMY ROTHCHILD
IS SUCH A GENTLEMAN.
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100. - HAVE EITHER OF YOU HEARD
OF THE ILLUMINATI?
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101. MM-HMM.
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102. - YOU KNOW, WORLD LEADERS,
CEOs, MOVIE STARS.
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103. - OF COURSE. THOSE ARE, LIKE,
OUR MAIN CLIENT BANK.
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104. - MM-HMM.
- I NEED YOU TO ORGANIZE
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105. A TOP-SECRET EVENT
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106. FOR THE WORLD'S
MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE.
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107. THIS IS A PARTY
FOR THE ILLUMINATI.
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108. - WHEN I HEAR THE WORD
"ILLUMINATI,"
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109. I HEAR, LIKE, "NAUGHTY."
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110. WHAT IF THIS PARTY
WAS, LIKE, NAUGHTY?
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111. - WE DON'T WANT THIS
TO BE A SEX PARTY, BUT—
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112. - THIS IS A DIRTY LITTLE PARTY.
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113. LIKE, IT'S A NAUGHTY,
LITTLE NAUGHTY PARTY.
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114. - NO.
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115. - ALL RIGHT.
- GREAT.
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116. - HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL
YOU LADIES ARE?
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117. I MEANT TO SAY IT BEFORE,
BUT I LOVE YOUR BANGS.
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118. OH, MY GOD!
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119. - I LIKE TO COMPLIMENT WOMEN
WHENEVER I SEE THEM.
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120. - AND JUST, LIKE,
AS A MATTER ON COURSE,
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121. LIKE, WE SHOULD PROBABLY BE
DISCUSSING, LIKE, PAYMENT FORMS,
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122. WHICH, LIKE,
NEED TO BE DUE TO US.
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123. - I'M ALL ABOUT WORK,
AND SHE'S ALL ABOUT FUMBLING.
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124. RIGHT NOW LIZ IS, LIKE,
ALL ABOUT BUSINESS.
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125. - JUST TO BE CLEAR,
YOU'RE CERTAIN YOU CAN GET
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126. THESE PEOPLE
AT YOUR EVENT, RIGHT?
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127. - MM-HMM.
- YEAH.
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128. - CAN YOU GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE
OF ONE NAME?
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129. JUST SO I KNOW
YOU CAN DO THIS.
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130. - HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF...
- BARACK OBAMA?
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131. - THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH
WILL BE VERY PLEASED.
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132. - AT THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU'RE GONNA GET WHAT YOU WANT.
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133. - WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT
FOR ME?
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134. - SURE. YOU'RE GONNA GET
WHAT YOU WANT.
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135. - HAVE YOU EVER DONE DRAG?
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136. HAVE YOU EVER DRESSED UP
AS A LADY?
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137. - I HAVE ONCE.
- HOW DID IT GO?
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138. - GOOD. I ACTUALLY FELT
LIKE I COULD EMBRACE...
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139. I KIND OF DID A LITTLE
KIND OF MOVE WITH MY BODY THAT—
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140. I DON'T KNOW—
JUST, LIKE, THAT CONFIDENT
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141. FEMALE-TYPE THING, YOU KNOW?
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142. I DON'T KNOW IF WOMEN DO THAT,
BUT I GUESS IT FELT...
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143. - YEAH, WOMEN MOVE
ALL THE TIME.
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144. - AND NOW, A SPECIAL EPISODE
OF CRAB CAB,
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145. WITH YOUR HOST,
FABRICE FABRICE.
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146. - MY NAME IS FABRICE FABRICE,
THE BEAST FROM THE EAST.
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147. THE NAME SO NICE,
YOU HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN.
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148. OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW THAT
ALREADY, AS YOU HAVE INDEED
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149. CALLED MY SERVICE.
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150. I'M HERE TO SERVICE YOU,
TOP TO BOTTOM.
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151. - MAYBE WE COULD JUST GET YOU
TO DRIVE TO THE BASEBALL GAME?
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152. - ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S THE
LOCATION WHERE YOU'RE GOING NOW.
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153. I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT
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154. AND MORE POPULAR
THAN BASEBALL
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155. ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW
IS PORNO.
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156. I KNOW SOME GIRLS THAT WILL DO
AWFUL THINGS TO YOU.
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157. YOU CAN TREAT THEIR ASSES
LIKE GARBAGE CANS.
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158. IS THAT INTERESTING TO YOU BOYS?
- NO, THANK YOU.
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159. - OKAY. WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU KNOW THIS,
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160. BUT THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL
WAITING IN THAT COOLER FOR YOU.
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161. SO WHY DON'T YOU OPEN
THAT COOLER UP.
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162. OPEN IT UP. WHAT'S IN THERE?
- THERE'S A CRAB.
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163. - OH, LOOK AT THAT!
Y'ALL ARE ON CRAB CAB!
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164. - WHAT THE HELL?
- NOW, IF YOU ANSWER
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165. THIS QUESTION CORRECTLY,
THIS CRAB COULD BE YOURS.
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166. - I DON'T WANT THE CRAB.
- WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
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167. - OKAY, HERE'S THE QUESTION...
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168. - POPCORN.
- TOOTSIE ROLLS.
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169. - YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT!
- THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
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170. - HIS FAVORITE THING WAS CANDY!
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171. AND THAT MEANS THAT YOU
WIN THE CRAB!
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172. GET THAT CRAB OUT MY CAB!
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173. - THEY WENT FOR IT.
- THE ILLUMINATI TOOK THE BAIT?
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174. THE PUBLICISTS DID.
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175. THE INVITATIONS
GO OUT TODAY.
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176. - THAT'S GREAT.
- ALL THE ELITES WILL BE THERE—
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177. THE ROCKEFELLERS,
THE ST. CLAIRS,
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178. THE BILDERBURGERS,
THE LIZARD PEOPLE.
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179. MACKLEMORE WILL BE THERE.
- MY GOD.
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180. - THESE PUBLICISTS
ARE CONNECTED.
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181. - I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL
THE ILLUMINATI
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182. WHAT WE THINK
ABOUT THEIR NEW WORLD ORDER.
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183. - CRUSH YOUR BELIEFS.
- EMPTY YOUR THOUGHTS.
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184. - SUBVERT YOUR EXPERIENCE.
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185. - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
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186. I'M SORRY I'M NOT THERE.
I'M AT MY GIRLFRIEND'S PLACE.
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187. - ARE THOSE HER STUFFED ANIMALS?
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188. - CAN WE JUST GET BACK
TO THE MEETING?
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189. I HAVE LIMITED TIME.
I HAVE TO GO.
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190. - I ALSO HAVE LIMITED TIME.
I HAVE TO GO, ACTUALLY.
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191. - WHAT?
- HUH?
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192. - IT'S THE LAST DAY
OF THE WARRANTY ON MY ELANTRA,
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193. AND I HAVE
TO GET IT SERVICED TODAY,
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194. OR ELSE I HAVE TO TAKE IT
COMPLETELY OUT OF POCKET.
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195. - OKAY.
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196. - THIS IS THE BEGINNING
OF THE END
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197. AND A NEW BEGINNING.
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198. THIS IS IT, BROTHER.
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199. - WAIT.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
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200. I ACTUALLY WOULD LIKE
TO SEE THIS.
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201. - WHAT?
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202. - WHY IS IT FULLY SILENT
IN THERE RIGHT NOW?
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203. WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- SEE YOU AT THE PARTY.
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204. - OKAY.
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205. - LOOK, WE GOT TO GET BACK
ON TRACK.
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206. - THIS ISN'T GONNA BE EASY.
WE NEED MONEY.
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207. - WELL, HOW FANCY
IS THIS PARTY GONNA BE?
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208. - THE PUPPET MASTERS ARE GOING
TO EXPECT THE BEST—
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209. OPEN BAR AND EVERYTHING.
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210. - THAT SOUNDS
LIKE IT'S GONNA BE EXPENSIVE.
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211. HOW ARE WE GONNA RAISE
THE MONEY?
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212. - WE'RE OFF THE GRID.
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213. WE HAVE NO CREDIT, ON PURPOSE.
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214. WE'LL HAVE TO FIND A WAY.
- MM.
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215. I COULD FORWARD YOU
ONE HALF HUNDRED
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216. OR TWO HALF HUNDRED EUROS.
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217. AND IN EXCHANGE,
YOU WILL PROVIDE ME WITH PAPERS,
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218. PAPERS I WILL USE TO TRAVEL.
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219. - WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY
TO GET OUT OF HERE?
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220. WHAT ARE YOU, FRENCH?
- I'M A EUROPEAN.
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221. - FROM THE EUROPEAN NON-BRANCH
OF OUR ANTI-ORGANIZATION.
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222. - WHERE'S YOUR PASSPORT?
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223. - I HAD A VISA, BUT I LOST IT.
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224. IT WAS CLAWED FROM MY HANDS
WHEN I WAS MAKING SAUSAGES,
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225. SAUSAGES THAT WERE MADE
FROM CHOCOLATE AND HUMAN BONE.
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226. - UH-HUH.
- WHAT'D HE SAY?
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227. - THE COOLEST MUSICAL BAND
IS THE CHEMICAL BROTHERS.
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228. - WE GOT TO SHOW THE ILLUMINATI
WHAT WE THINK
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229. OF THEIR NEW WORLD ORDER.
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230. - RIGHT.
WHAT DID I SAY?
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231. - JUST GO BACK TO TALKING.
I'LL BE HERE.
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232. - OKAY, SO WE'RE TAKING DOWN
THE ILLUMINATI, RIGHT?
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233. YES.
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234. - YOU TWO WERE THE EDITORS
OF KROLL SHOW.
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235. - YES.
- AND YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED
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236. TO DIRECTORS.
- YES.
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237. - HOW DOES IT FEEL—DOES IT FEEL
DIFFERENT TO DIRECT,
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238. KNOWING THAT YOU'RE
GONNA EDIT EVERYTHING?
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239. BILL?
- HUH?
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240. DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD
TO HAVE NERDS—
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241. I DON'T WANT TO SAY IN CHARGE,
BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
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242. LIKE, DOES IT
MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD
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243. TO HAVE NERDS AROUND
THAT ARE KIND OF, LIKE...
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244. - WHAT I'VE TRIED TO DO
IN PUTTING TOGETHER
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245. THE TEAM BEHIND KROLL SHOW
IS TO HAVE MEN
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246. THAT I CAN FEEL MORE MANLY THAN.
MEN.
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247. - MEN.
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248. - IN THE CASE OF THE REST
OF THE CREW—
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249. - I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
BEEN REFERRED TO AS A MAN.
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250. - YEAH.
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251. - TOMMY ROTHCHILD,
AKA BASICALLY PRINCE CHARMING,
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252. HAS HIRED US TO THROW A PARTY
FOR THE ILLUMINATI.
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253. STEP ONE—
DO SOME RESEARCH.
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254. - THE TOP
OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT,
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255. A CHILD'S DRAWING
OF A WITCH'S HAT,
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256. A CAT'S MOUTH...
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257. WHAT DO THESE
THINGS HAVE IN COMMON?
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258. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS CONNECT THE DOTS.
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259. - OH, MY GOD,
THIS IS INTERESTING.
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260. - THIS SEEMS,
LIKE, EDUCATIONAL.
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261. THIS VIDEO IS, LIKE,
SO CONFUSING.
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262. - THE LIZARDS ARE AT THE TOP
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263. OF ALL
OF THE MAJOR CORPORATIONS,
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264. GOVERNMENT AGENCIES,
AND HIT MUSIC GROUPS
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265. ON THE PLANET TODAY.
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266. - BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I WAS SHOCKED
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267. TO HEAR THAT IT'S LIZARDS
THAT RUN THE WORLD.
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268. THIS IS, LIKE, SO SPOOKY,
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269. BUT, LIKE,
I'VE ALWAYS, LIKE, SUSPECTED
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270. THAT THERE'S, LIKE,
SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME.
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271. DID YOU SEE THAT?
- YOU FLICKED YOUR TONGUE OUT?
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272. REAL SUBTLE, LIZ.
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273. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT GAME PLAN
YOU'RE GOING WITH.
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274. HONESTLY, LIKE, AS YOU KNOW,
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275. I GO TO, LIKE, A VERY EXPENSIVE
DERMATOLOGIST...
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276. - YEAH, WE ALL KNOW.
- BECAUSE I HAD TO TREAT
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277. MY, LIKE, SCALY SKIN,
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278. WHICH IS, LIKE,
A NUMBER-ONE SKIN PROBLEM
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279. THAT, LIKE, MOST LIZARDS HAVE.
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280. - RIGHT, WELL, LIKE,
I FEEL LIKE
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281. IF YOU WERE, LIKE,
A LIZARD QUEEN,
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282. LIKE, YOU WOULDN'T,
LIKE, LITERALLY
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283. HAVE PIECES OF YOUR SKIN
FALLING OFF.
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284. LIKE, OBVIOUSLY,
I'M A LIZARD.
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285. THAT'S WHY MY NAME IS LIZ.
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286. IT'S BASED ON MY NAME—
LIZARD.
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287. - EVERY SINGLE INVITATION
TO THIS EVENT HAS BEEN DECLINED.
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288. - WHAT? LET ME TAKE
A LOOK AT THIS.
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289. ARE YOU JOKING ME?
HOLD ON.
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290. BARACK OBAMA SAID NO?
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291. LADY GAGA SAID NO?
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292. ORPAH WINFREY SAID NO?
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293. OH, MY GOD!
MACKLEMORE SAID NO!
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294. - I'M A LIZARD QUEEN.
- IT'S IRONING
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295. THAT YOU ARE IN THE SUN
RIGHT NOW,
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296. BECAUSE, HONESTLY,
YOU'RE ACTING, LIKE, SHADY.
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297. - WHEN I SET OUT
TO MAKE THIS VIDEO,
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298. I HAD A LOT OF IDEAS.
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299. AND I STILL DO!
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300. YOU SEE, THE WORLD IS BROKEN UP
Copy !req
301. INTO A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT
PATTERNS AND HIERARCHIES.
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302. AND YOU MIGHT WONDER WHY.
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303. - WE BELIEVE THAT THE WORLD
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304. IS CONTROLLED BY THE MOST
POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
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305. I MEAN, THAT'S ALMOST
THE TAUTOLOGY.
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306. - YEAH. AND THOSE PEOPLE
ARE ALL LIZARDS.
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307. - WELL, WE DON'T BELIEVE
THEY'RE LITERALLY LIZARDS,
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308. BUT IF YOU WANT TO IMAGINE
THE CONCEPT OF GREED
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309. AS REPTILIAN,
THEN I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU.
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310. - WELL, IF THEY'RE NOT LIZARDS,
THEN WHO'S RIGHT HERE?
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311. - WELL, THAT'S A CARTOON
OF A...
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312. LIZARD ASSUMING A HUMAN'S POSE.
- EXACTLY.
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313. AND WHO DO YOU THINK DREW IT?
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314. - ACTUALLY, IT LOOKS LIKE MORE
OF A 3-D MODEL.
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315. - OR IS IT THE CONTROL
OF THE LIZARD OVERLORDS,
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316. THE REPTILIAN SPECIES
THAT RUNS THE TOP ECHELONS
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317. OF THE GOVERNMENT?
- NO.
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318. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
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319. THERE'S NOT ANOTHER SPECIES
OF CREATURE
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320. THAT'S IN CHARGE
OF THE, UM, GOVERNMENT.
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321. THAT'S A FANTASY.
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322. PEOPLE DEVELOPED THOSE FANTASIES
SO THAT THEY FEEL
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323. THAT SOMEONE'S IN CONTROL.
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324. ACTUALLY CONFRONTING THE CHAOS
OF THE UNIVERSE
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325. IS TOO FRIGHTENING
FOR SOME PEOPLE,
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326. SO THEY HAVE TO COME UP
WITH ELABORATE THEORIES
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327. THAT EXPLAIN SOMEONE
BEING IN CONTROL
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328. IN THE FACE OF A DEAD GOD.
- SO MUCH—SO MUCH—
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329. SO MANY INTERESTING THINGS
TO GET TO.
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330. - IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT MORE
ABOUT MY RADICAL POLITICS
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331. AND OUR ORGANIZATION,
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332. OPEN YOUR TOR BROWSER
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333. AND GO TO REALISTS.ONION.
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334. HERE'S THE DETAILS.
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335. THE ILLUMINATI GALA IS TONIGHT
AT THE HOTEL TELHO.
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336. - OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT'S WHEN THE PARTY WAS.
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337. DID YOU SAY "TONIGHT"?
- YEAH.
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338. - NO. NO, I CAN'T DO TONIGHT.
- I DON'T—
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339. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN TONIGHT.
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340. - STEPHANIE
HAS ANOTHER SHOW TONIGHT,
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341. AND EVEN THOUGH
I VIDEOTAPED HER LAST SHOW,
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342. I GOT TO DO IT TONIGHT,
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343. 'CAUSE SHE SAYS
THAT I GOT HER AT A BAD ANGLE.
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344. - FOR ME, ENTERTAINMENT
IS HOOKING FISH HOOKS
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345. TO A HUMAN BODY THAT
HAS BEEN TAKEN OF ITS LIFE
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346. AND THEN TREATING IT
LIKE A PUPPET.
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347. - LOOK, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
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348. WHY YOU'RE GOING
ABOVE AND BEYOND LIKE THIS
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349. FOR A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T
EVEN SAY SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
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350. - THANK YOU.
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351. - OH, I CAN'T WIN.
I CAN'T WIN.
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352. YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M WITH HER,
SHE'S GIVING ME GRIEF
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353. ABOUT SPENDING ALL MY TIME
FOCUSING ON YOU GUYS.
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354. AND WHEN I'M WITH HER,
YOU GUYS ARE GIVING ME GRIEF.
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355. IT'S JUST LIKE WHO AM I DATING,
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356. AND WHO AM I, YOU KNOW,
DOING TERRORISM WITH?
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357. I DON'T—I DON'T—
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358. - OKAY, WELL, I'M GOING
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359. TO GET OUT OF HERE.
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360. I LIKE TO HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT.
I'M A CANNIBAL.
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361. I LIKE TO CONSUME HUMAN FLESH.
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362. AND I WILL DO IT
AROUND THE WORLD
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363. UNTIL SOMEONE
CHOOSES TO LISTEN TO ME.
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364. - SO WHO'S IT GONNA BE—
THE THREE OF US?
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365. - HARDLY A CREW.
IT'S A PLUS-ONE PLUS-ONE.
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366. - I HOPE THEY HAVE
SOME GOOD APPETIZERS.
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367. - CRAB CAB WAS A PITCH
THAT I WAS VERY INVESTED IN
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368. IN SEASON TWO OF KROLL SHOW.
- MM-HMM.
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369. SEASON THREE.
- NO, I BROUGHT IT UP LAST YEAR.
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370. - OH, REALLY?
- YEAH.
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371. EVERYONE KIND OF LAUGHED AT IT,
BECAUSE IT'S TWO WORDS
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372. THAT RHYME WITH EACH OTHER,
AND THEN THEY SAID,
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373. "NO, WE'LL NEVER DO THAT.
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE."
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374. NOW WE DID MULTIPLE CRAB CABS
THIS YEAR.
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375. - TODAY...
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376. AND HIS...
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377. - Y'ALL ARE ON CRAB CAB!
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378. HOLD UP. ARE YOU HOLDING
STUFFED ANIMALS
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379. AND AN ACCORDION RIGHT NOW?
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380. - YES, SHE DOES MUSIC
WITH THE ACCORDION.
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381. - I'VE HAD PINKY
SINCE I WAS FOUR
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382. IN THE HOSPITAL
WITH PNEUMONIA.
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383. - OH, YEAH? I GOT THIS LITTLE
MOTHERRIGHT HERE.
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384. - WHAT'S ITS NAME?
- HIS NAME IS PHONE.
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385. I USE HIM TO MAKE CALLS AND TEXT
PEOPLE ABOUT GETTING LAID
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386. AND SUCKING
AND GETTING EVEN
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387. AND EVEN EATING
NOW AND AGAIN.
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388. SPEAKING OF...
- GETTING EVEN?
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389. - AS YOU ALREADY CAN TELL,
YOU ARE ON A GAME SHOW.
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390. IT'S CALLED CRAB CAB.
- WE'RE ON CRAB CAB?
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391. OH, MY GOD!
- LOOK AT THE CRAB.
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392. TO WIN THAT CRAB,
YOU BETTER ANSWER
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393. THE FOLLOWING QUESTION
CORRECTLY.
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394. - OH, YOU HAVE TO...
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395. - DO YOU LOVE YOUR BOYFRIEND?
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396. - I MEAN, YOU DO.
- I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER—
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397. - YOU JUST DON'T LIKE THE WORK.
- I'M SORRY.
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398. I'M SORRY I DIDN'T WIN THE CRAB.
CAN YOU JUST PULL OVER, PLEASE?
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399. - WHAT DO YOU MEAN "PULL OVER"?
- I CAN'T LOVE YOU.
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400. I'M SORRY, AND YOU'RE MAKING ME
UNCOMFORTABLE.
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401. I FEEL A LOT OF PRESSURE.
I'M SORRY.
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402. - WAIT.
- I'M SORRY. I'M VERY SORRY.
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403. - OOH.
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404. AW. YOU SAD?
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405. YEAH, I'M SAD.
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406. - YOU GOT THAT CRAB?
- NO, I DON'T WANT THE CRAB.
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407. I WANT MY GIRLFRIEND BACK.
- OH, BUDDY.
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408. I'M REAL SORRY ABOUT THAT.
- THAT WENT REALLY BAD.
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409. - THE, YOU KNOW, U.S. GOVERNMENT
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410. KEEPS A RECORD
OF EVERY WEB SEARCH
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411. YOU'VE EVER DONE, EVERY TEXT
MESSAGE YOU'VE EVER SENT,
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412. EVERY WEB PAGE
YOU'VE EVER VISITED,
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413. EVERY VIDEO
YOU'VE EVER WATCHED,
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414. EVERY FACEBOOK PROFILE
OF A FRIEND
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415. THAT YOU EVER LOOKED UP.
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416. - I GUESS—
SO MY QUESTION IS, SO WHAT?
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417. - SO WHAT?
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418. - THIS PARTY
IS GONNA BE AMAZING.
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419. AND WE SHOULD JUST COMMENT
OURSELVES ON A JOB WELL DONE.
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420. - LIZ, LIKE, HONEST,
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421. YOU COULDN'T HAVE PUT IT
BETTER YOURSELF,
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422. AND, LIKE,
WE SHOULD COMMENT OURSELVES
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423. ON, LIKE, A JOB WELL DONE,
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424. BECAUSE, LIKE, ONLY TIME
WILL BE TO TELL, LIKE,
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425. WHO ACTUALLY IS THE LIZARD LIZ
THAT, LIKE, DOES REIGN SUPREME.
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426. AND, LIKE,
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND
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427. AND, LIKE, ALSO MY SISTER,
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428. AND, LIKE, TONIGHT IS, LIKE,
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429. JUST ABOUT, LIKE,
MAKING THE CLIENT HAPPY
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430. AND, LIKE, HAVING FUN,
WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS, LIKE,
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431. MY FAVORITE THING EVER.
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432. - LET'S HAVE A NAUGHTY TIME.
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433. - LIZ!
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
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434. - YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
- CHEERS.
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435. - CHEERS.
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436. - BETWEEN US,
I'M GONNA COME CLEAN.
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437. THAT'S NOT THE REAL MACKLEMORE.
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438. BARACK OBAMA—
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
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439. AS PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
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440. I'D LOVE TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR ACTUAL LEADER,
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441. THE LIZARD KING.
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442. - TASTY.
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443. - ENJOY YOUR LIZARD SNACKS!
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444. - HELLO, LIZZES.
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445. OH, MY GOD!
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446. - TOMMY'S ENTRANCE, LIKE,
BLEW ME AWAY.
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447. HOW DO YOU DO THIS?
- WOW.
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448. - I SNUCK UP BESIDE THE TABLE
AND, UH...
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449. HIDING MY FACE.
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450. - YEAH.
- I LOOK TO SEE WHEN YOU GUYS
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451. WOULD LOOK AWAY,
AND THEN I TURNED AROUND.
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452. - LIKE, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE EVENT?
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453. - EVERYONE HERE IS JUST
A CELEBRITY IMPERSONATOR,
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454. BESIDES MITT ROMNEY.
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455. - OH, MY GOD. THAT IS SO KIND
TO GET POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.
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456. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS PARTY SUCKS.
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457. - YOU SAID
YOU KNEW THESE PEOPLE.
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458. THIS IS, LIKE, FOR BABIES.
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459. - IT'S HORRIBLE!
- HONESTLY, LIZ!
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460. - TOMMY, THE IDEA
THAT YOU WOULD MAKE ME CRY
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461. IN FRONT OF THE LIZARD KING,
THE MOST RESPECTED PERSON
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462. IN THE REPTILIAN-OVERLORD
COMMUNITY...
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463. - THAT'S, LIKE,
A MAJOR LOW BLOW.
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464. - YOU JUST PUT A CROWN
ON AN IGUANA.
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465. - HONESTLY, TOMMY...
- HONESTLY, LIKE, FACE IT.
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466. - HONESTLY, TOMMY, JUST, LIKE...
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467. - WHEN MIGHT WE ACTUALLY
BE PAID?
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468. 'CAUSE THAT IS A PRESSING ISSUE.
- HOW ABOUT NEVER?
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469. - GO!
- WHAT?
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470. - FAN OUT! GET PICTURES!
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471. - OH, MY GOD!
- CASSANDRA!
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472. - CASSANDRA!
- CASSANDRA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
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473. - GET THE PHOTOS.
- WAIT.
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474. - THESE AREN'T EVEN
THE ILLUMINATI.
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475. - WHY DO YOU HAVE, LIKE,
A FLAP OVER YOUR GONKER?
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476. ARE YOU AFRAID SOMEONE'S GONNA,
LIKE, BONK YOUR BLINKER, OR...
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477. - DO YOU KNOW
WHO TOMMY ROTHCHILD IS?
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478. LIKE, WHAT'S HIS DEAL?
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479. IS HE, LIKE, A GENTLEMAN,
OR IS HE, LIKE, A BAD GUY?
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480. - HE'S MY BROTHER'S FRIEND
FROM COLLEGE.
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481. - WELL, SOMEBODY IS GONNA HAVE
TO GIVE A PAYMENT TO CASSANDRA.
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482. - CASSANDRA CAN'T FIND US.
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483. - EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN'T
GET TO CONFRONT
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484. THE SECRET CABAL OF PLUTOCRATS
WHO CONTROL THE ENTIRE WORLD,
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485. IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD PARTY.
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486. - THE PARTY WAS, LIKE,
A BIT OF A BUST,
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487. BUT, LIKE, I WANT YOU
TO KNOW, LIKE...
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488. REALLY AMAZING
TO SEE YOU, LIKE,
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489. BECOME, LIKE,
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490. THIS WOMAN I ALWAYS THAT
I, LIKE, SUSPECTED YOU TO BE.
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491. - YOU'RE MY SISTER, AND SO
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT...
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492. - I'M SORRY. WHAT?
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493. YOU LOST ALL THE MONEY!
- I LOST ALL THE MONEY!
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494. - THE COMPANY IS RUINED,
AND GUESS WHOSE FAULT IT IS.
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495. UM, LIZ.
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496. HA HA.
GOOD AT BIZNESS.
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497. - OW.
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