Kroll Show 1x1

1. - Do you have your charger? - Yeah.

2. Oh, I hate saying good-bye.

3. - Well, let's not say good-bye.

4. Let's just say "I'll see you soon."

5. - I love you, baby.

6. - And... You don't have to listen to it,

7. But I made you a mixtape. - Oh, my god.

8. - Nicholas james kroll, you are the sweetest.

9. - Call me when you get there.

10. - I'm gonna call you in two seconds.

11. - College won't split us apart.

12. - Strap in your seatbelt

13. For the nick kroll mixtape.

14. - Nick kroll mixtape!

15. Don't put on too much weight!

16. Freshman 15!

17. - Dj—dj— dj nick kroll.

18. - Get yourself a van gogh poster for your wall at college,

19. But also don't get anorexic and crazy.

20. san diego diet—

21. - I love you so much.

22. - I feel like men won.

23. Like, we kind of won.

24. Like, if you look at footwear, for example,

25. Like, men got together and they're, like,

26. "what do you guys think? Should we just wear sneakers?

27. "walk around like we're on marshmallows all the time?

28. "is that good? What else?

29. "bury our emotions in football statistics?

30. Uh-huh, and gay jokes? Great, gay jokes?"

31. And women were, like, "you guys,

32. "for shoes, how 'bout we just, like, jam our feet

33. "into tiny little canoes with chopsticks on the end?

34. "and we're gonna say

35. "that they're, like, super comfortable

36. "and say that they're for us.

37. "and then we'll just, like, find, like, cobblestone streets

38. To walk down."

39. Look, I'm just trying to tell it like it is.

40. Unless women do not like it, in which case I will stop,

41. 'cause I love the ladies.

42. - I'm liz.

43. I'm an amazing person with an amazing life.

44. - And I'm liz.

45. I'm a college graduate and I expect the best.

46. I'm the driven one. - And I'm trying to have a life.

47. Our pr firm is called publizity.

48. - It's based off our names.

49. It's really amazing.

50. Well, it's, like, funny because, like, we're very different.

51. - Right.

52. - It's, like, I live to work. - Exactly.

53. And I just want to have an amazing life.

54. Like, that's just me. I'm myself.

55. - Okay, that's great. Well, you know, it's—

56. My point is it's not just people that get cancer,

57. Dogs get it too— - oh, my god.

58. I love dogs. - I love dogs.

59. - And I want to raise awareness for that.

60. That's what my charity is for. I hear you two are the best.

61. - Thank you. - Thank you.

62. So, like, what we're gonna do is, like, a big party.

63. Like, a big splash.

64. Oh, my god! I have an amazing idea.

65. - All right.

66. - Pirate girl rum presents a rocking beach bash

67. To benefit cupcakes for canine cancer.

68. - That's cute. - It's super cute.

69. I'm gonna work hard on locking down

70. Some custom cupcakes.

71. And my new rescue dog brad can totally walk the red carpet.

72. I found him in the trash. - He's gross.

73. - Yes, he is. He's disgusting.

74. - I just want it to be tasteful.

75. - Oh, my god, that's so cool.

76. - That's sweet. - That's really cute.

77. - That's sweet. - That's sweet.

78. Coming up next on publizity...

79. I like to work hard.

80. - Obviously, I know how to do my life.

81. Like, I'm 20-blah years old and I know what to do,

82. So thank you, you know what I mean?

83. It's, like, just go to bed.

84. - Where the is liz?

85. - Do it. Let's do it.

86. Are we ten, or are we eight?

87. What are we, nine? Is it nine?

88. - I think we're nine people. - Eight.

89. - I think it's eight. - It's between eight and ten.

90. - You guys are cool with separate checks?

91. - We are—already we're out of line.

92. - Just keep in mind, this isn't the amount of space we need.

93. - I don't want to sit— I'm not gonna sit—

94. - Excuse me, my chair is, like...

95. - Yeah. - What's the...

96. - Guys, let's get some 'chos.

97. Let's get some 'chos, right?

98. - Yo, dude, rescue. You got to get a rescue.

99. - No, I want to buy a dog. - What?

100. - Rescue. - It's a living thing.

101. - Yeah, firemen don't go "hey,

102. I bought a kid out of a fire."

103. - Right. - Do they?

104. Is it just me? - Never, unless they're crazy.

105. - No, if I'm wrong, tell me.

106. - Jay-z. - Jay-z, yeah, exactly.

107. - He's amazing— - with kanye

108. As the vice president. - Yeah.

109. - He's amazing. - Yeah, kanye's vice president.

110. Secretary of state?

111. Drake. - Yup.

112. - Owen, are you listening to music right now?

113. - Owen's got a thing where christina doesn't trust him,

114. So she has to be on the phone for everything he does.

115. - I haven't had more than three beers.

116. - Let's do that again. We can do that better.

117. - Do you think that "my wife" thing, like, saying that,

118. Do you think that's played out? - No, no.

119. Not at all, dude. That's funny.

120. - My wife!

121. Sex in the city for dudes

122. Was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

123. - $20 on this one— - whoa, whoa, whoa.

124. Wait, wait, we're doing separate checks, right?

125. - I can send you cash tomorrow.

126. - I have an olive garden credit card.

127. - One, two, three, four...

128. - Welcome back. You know, from time to time,

129. We wire guys on the court just to hear

130. What's going on behind the scenes.

131. So check it out.

132. - Are we doing introductions? - All right.

133. - Jeff. Nice to see you.

134. Jeff. All right?

135. I like that. Here we go.

136. Get back on defense.

137. that's a charge.

138. You seen big momma's house?

139. I thought that movie was funny.

140. What are you guys getting up to after the game tonight?

141. You know, you going to red robin?

142. What are you guys gonna do?

143. Is there a list, or is this, uh, anybody can walk up?

144. Is it one of those list— list things?

145. I'm behind you, I'm behind you,

146. I'm behind you, I'm behind you.

147. One, two, three, drinks on the coach.

148. You guys got plans tonight? I'm, uh...

149. Probably hanging out with the players.

150. It's a list-only thing club so you...

151. You pieces of can't come. Let's go!

152. 44.

153. That's a foul on 44.

154. Look, if you guys want to hang out later,

155. We can't argue like this, all right?

156. I haven't locked in plans yet, all right?

157. - These guys are not your friends.

158. We're not going out for drinks.

159. - Forget about you.

160. You got plans tonight?

161. - Yeah. - Yeah?

162. No, yeah, those guys want to take me out,

163. But I haven't locked anything in yet, so...

164. Let me know.

165. All right.

166. I didn't have a dad.

167. That's what I got in common with you black kids.

168. What are you guys up to tonight? You got any plans?

169. that's a foul.

170. Little help.

171. I want one of the players to do it.

172. Stop crying, you little bitch.

173. That's why dad walked out. That's why everybody leaves.

174. - You know, sometimes what you hear on the court

175. Will make you straight-up sad.

176. We'll be back.

177. - So we have this, like, super-demanding client.

178. He wants the best, and he wants it now.

179. And liz disappears with her dog.

180. - Like, we're here for you. You have the red carpet event.

181. Like, you need to focus on what you want.

182. This is about you. Like, what do you want?

183. - I mean, what are you looking for exactly?

184. - Like, I just feel like he looks

185. Like his face is very frowny. - Mm-hmm.

186. Yeah, we'll— we'll take care of that.

187. He'll be very happy when we're done with him.

188. - Dr. Armond is an amazing plastic surgeon for dogs.

189. - Now what we're gonna do is we're gonna make the face

190. A lot more symmetrical. - 'cause I hate

191. How he looks now. - Mm-hmm.

192. - You speak to him and he listens to you,

193. And then he does the operation.

194. - We'll snip out the...

195. - Oh, yeah.

196. It's like I don't want something in my home

197. That's, like, ugly because—

198. - You wouldn't buy an ugly sofa. - No.

199. And, like, you wouldn't talk to an ugly person.

200. - No, I don't. I-I only hire

201. Very attractive people, and my third wife

202. Is one of the most beautiful women that I know.

203. - Congratulations. - Thank you.

204. - No, just do it. - Hey, liz.

205. - I'll call you back, just do it. What?

206. - There's a problem with the cupcakes.

207. - Cassie, the cupcakes are crucial.

208. - I know, believe me— - then act like you know.

209. Okay? - Yes.

210. - Where is liz? I can't put on

211. This pirate girl rum presents a rocking beach bash

212. To benefit cupcakes for canine cancer all on my own.

213. - I invented this magic marker.

214. - Good for you. - Yeah.

215. It's the only one that you can use to write on dogs.

216. - That's amazing. - I call it the shar-pei.

217. - Does it come off?

218. - I cut it off, and then I bleach it.

219. - Amazing.

220. - I have so much pressure right now.

221. It's, like, a very competitive industry.

222. Inside, I'm freaking out about the cupcakes.

223. - The cupcakes don't even look that good.

224. - What did you just say? - I'm s...

225. - What did you just say?

226. Forget it, just forget it.

227. - I'm so sorry.

228. - Thank you.

229. I'm on the san diego diet,

230. So I'm, like, super emotional right now.

231. - Would you believe that when I was a kid,

232. I suffered from:

233. - It was ridiculous. Everything had cheese on it

234. Or it was fried.

235. - I used to eat french fries, hush puppies,

236. Fried catfish.

237. I couldn't even wake up.

238. - You don't want to shave, you don't want to bathe,

239. You don't want to do nothing.

240. - I tried everything.

241. Diet pills, scented lotions,

242. Knee braces, and even smaller shirts.

243. But when I looked around,

244. I realized that the answer was in san diego.

245. Today I'm introducing the san diego diet.

246. - Anyone who wants to go and eat churros

247. For the rest of their lives,

248. The exit is back there.

249. For those of you who stayed, here's a little secret:

250. You can eat churros in moderation!

251. You guys ready to see some before and after shots?

252. Yes!

253. Well, then, go to jenny craig!

254. That's not what we're about here!

255. - There is no—no—no pain, no—no restrictions.

256. - My body feels like it's rocking.

257. - You're on earth. Live!

258. - I feel awesome.

259. - You feel like butter, and you just want to melt.

260. - Do you want to know the secret to this body?

261. It's the san diego diet.

262. - I've never even been to san diego,

263. But I'll take you to san diego...

264. In here!

265. Choose to eat life, and see what miracles unfold.

266. - Get a hot pocket! Make ramen noodles!

267. - Nick kroll made this tape special for you, girl.

268. - If you cheat on me, I'll straight-up kill myself.

269. - Dj nick kroll in the motherhouse.

270. - We'll skype all the time.

271. Show me your tits over skype.

272. - Oh, oh, I didn't tell you guys.

273. I found the best parking spot the other day.

274. It was right in front of the bakery.

275. Uh, it wasn't a meter.

276. It was, uh, Tuesday, so it wasn't a two-hour limit.

277. So I—so I-I, like,

278. I could've been in and out of there,

279. But I, like, hung out there for, like, 40 minutes

280. Just walking around 'cause I could've.

281. What was the text that you sent?

282. - Ah, don't be scared, mikey, it's just a new school.

283. Just that grade 9 is different from grade 8.

284. Tuck in your blouse, eh?

285. - We're not in saskatoon anymore, mum.

286. People in toronto don't tuck in their blouses.

287. They want to dress well here, and I want to fit in, you know?

288. - Well, don't try too hard.

289. I got pregnant with you when I was in grade 13.

290. Peer pressure, eh? - Mum...

291. Our national health plan pays for abortions,

292. But first I got to get a girlfriend anyway, you know?

293. - Here, take this loonie, buy yourself a bag of milk.

294. - All right, love you, mum. Got to bounce.

295. - Love you, mikey.

296. - Here we go.

297. - Remember, kids, today is victoria day,

298. So be sure to drop a loonie in the queen's jar

299. For good luck.

300. - Hey, what the...

301. - Hey, legs, thanks for the loonie.

302. - Pardon, I think you took my milk money.

303. And my name is mikey. I'm new in school,

304. And I— - shush up.

305. If I call you legs, your name is legs, legs.

306. - Pardon me, but you're being very rude.

307. Ouch! My calf muscle, you bashed it!

308. I hate ontario.

309. I wish I was back in saskatoon.

310. - Pardon, do you need a pull?

311. - Thanks.

312. - Those guys are hosers.

313. Not everyone in ontario's a big, dumb jerk.

314. - my name's francesca,

315. But, uh, everyone calls me tunes.

316. - Oh, cool, 'cause of your boom box?

317. - Ay. - My name's mikey.

318. - Oh. - Yeah, you like music?

319. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, cool.

320. - Yeah.

321. I learned that you can't let the bullies get to you,

322. You got to beat them at their own game.

323. - Oh.

324. Whurling, okay.

325. Cool.

326. Whurling.

327. - Crap, I'm late for marriage equality class.

328. Peace out. - Peace out, tunes.

329. Whurling, eh?

330. Hmm, sounds cool.

331. - And that concludes our lesson on the founder

332. Of canadian electricity, sir brian.

333. Oh! Oh! Look who decided to come in tardy.

334. You know, don't think it's okay

335. To just roll in here at 100 kilometers per hour

336. Like you're joel otto of the calgary flames, okay?

337. Now I'm sure you're all obsessing

338. About who you're gonna take to the poutine dance,

339. But I want your focus

340. And I want your concentration up here now,

341. 'cause we have a special guest, okay?

342. His name is inuit andy.

343. He goes to a school just like this,

344. Except it's in a snow igloo.

345. He's had a very hard life, so please give him your focus.

346. - My name is inuit andy.

347. I come from the harsh lands of yellowknife,

348. Where my people still live in ancient ways—

349. - Connor, connor!

350. Who do you think you are, prime minister stephen harper?

351. You're a fisherman?

352. - Yes. - Talk—talk about that.

353. - We still fish using spears and harpoons.

354. We take giant sticks that we find in the forest

355. To bash seals for food.

356. - I think you're bumming everyone out.

357. - whoa.

358. Sweet whurling broom, eh?

359. - Nice legs. - Hey.

360. Who are you? - I'm baguiati.

361. - Oh, I'm mikey, nice to meet—

362. - Raise your hand if you're on the paleo diet.

363. Doing the caveman thing? Yeah, cool.

364. - I'm gonna be honest with you guys,

365. This san diego diet thing

366. Is doing great, my friends.

367. - You look great. - Thanks, guys.

368. - Check this out, check this out.

369. My wife!

370. - Liz is not cut out for this business.

371. I am, like, being chill,

372. And liz is being, like, not cool.

373. - Hey, tootsies.

374. Oh, my goo-goo.

375. My dog is gonna look amazing for the event.

376. - Well, I am not feeling amazing right now.

377. - Like, talk to me. Like, I left you here,

378. And now you're, like, spinning out of control.

379. - I'm not spinning out of control.

380. You're freaking me out because you're not responsible.

381. - Liz, get out of my face. Like, I want this to be fun.

382. Like, I want to have a good time.

383. Like, you're riding me so hard right now.

384. - P.S., by the way,

385. It's, like, ridiculous that you'd ever want to

386. Say something like that to me right now.

387. - Don't call me ridiculous. You know that's my pet peeve.

388. Like, my dad always called me ridiculous,

389. And I always— - you look ridiculous right now.

390. - Stop it, liz. You know that I, like...

391. - Why are you even doing this? Because, like, I—

392. - [high-pitched wailing] and it's not fair.

393. - It's just, like—it's, like, I don't even know

394. If we're gonna make it out of this.

395. Later on publizity...

396. - Whoa, what was that about?

397. - I like to kiss before my cannabis cigarette.

398. - But I'm only age 15.

399. I don't have my smoker's permit yet.

400. I got to go.

401. Pardon.

402. Pardon.

403. It was a pleasure to meet you.

404. - All right, ding-dongs, welcome to whurling tryouts.

405. Last year, we won all-province.

406. Oh! Oh! Look who decided to show up tardy

407. Twice in one day.

408. - I'm here to try out.

409. - Where's your wheels? - Yeah.

410. Where are your wheels, legs?

411. - Oh, I'm a sweeper.

412. - Oh, you're a big sweeper, eh?

413. Oh, where's your broom?

414. - Pardon. Mikey...

415. You left this in the supply closet.

416. - Thanks, tunes, you're a good friend.

417. - Yeah, friends.

418. - All right, looks like we're ready to go.

419. - Coach teacher, you can't be serious.

420. You're going to let some able play on our team?

421. - Hey! There's nothing in the rulebook

422. That says we can't let ables try out.

423. - You're a sweeper, eh?

424. I'm going to sweep your legs

425. Like I did in the hallway.

426. - Go for it. - Let's go!

427. Come on, connor!

428. You brush, connor, come on!

429. Sweep it up!

430. Let's move, let's go!

431. Let's go!

432. Shuffle!

433. All right, shuffle!

434. - Just a little further.

435. If I just do it right here perfectly...

436. Yeah!

437. yeah!

438. - All right, connor. Good, good for three.

439. Good for three. Let's go!

440. Good job, mikey. - Thanks, coach.

441. - Come on, come on, mikey.

442. Get that sweep going, mikey. Good job.

443. What, are you making slush? Come on!

444. - Ugh! - Yeah!

445. - That's good for green!

446. Hey, tunes, looking good.

447. We still on for pasta after tryouts?

448. - Oh, yeah, okay. - Okay, good.

449. Great, keep sweeping.

450. Great work, connor.

451. Good for green. - All right!

452. Out of sight! Yeah!

453. - That's what I'm talking about!

454. All right, gentlemen, this is 2012 spring whurling.

455. Say hello to your captain, mikey.

456. If you're not on this list, come see me in the cafetorium,

457. We'll talk about it.

458. - This is outrageous!

459. - Well, well, well, I guess I showed them.

460. What?

461. "dodo bird"?

462. I guess things could be worse, you know?

463. - Yeah.

464. I'm pregnant.

465. - Well, at least our national health system

466. Covers abortion, unlike the states, you know?

467. - So tonight is our huge charity event.

468. We still have a bunch of balls up in the air,

469. And I am freaking out.

470. Stop taking pictures. There's still work to be done.

471. - I'm trying to have fun. - It's not fun

472. When you're being a bitch.

473. - That's what you think. Like—hi, how are you?

474. - Hi, nice to meet you. - Thank you.

475. - Sorry my hands are so cold.

476. So far, the party's been, like, a really big success.

477. But underneath, I'm freaking out about the cupcakes.

478. - Oh, how are you? - God!

479. It's our prince charming. - Our prince.

480. - Like, this client knows what he wants, he wants it now,

481. He wants it when he wants it, and we have to give it to him,

482. Otherwise nobody will want anything from us ever again.

483. - Liz? What?

484. - The cupcakes are here.

485. - Bring them out. - Oh, the cupcakes.

486. The cupcakes look amazing.

487. Those cupcakes look amazing.

488. - They're wearing little bikinis.

489. - They're ready for the pool.

490. - This is not what I envisioned.

491. - I'm all about work,

492. And the work we put into these cupcakes

493. Are really paying off in an amazing way.

494. - These cupcakes are having a party.

495. brad!

496. Brad is so confident. He's like a completely new dog.

497. Like, no one would ever know.

498. - When push comes to shove,

499. I wouldn't trust my dog's plastic surgery

500. With anybody but dr. Armond.

501. - Brad, you look absolutely gorgeous.

502. - The event cost $20,000,

503. And it brought in $4,000,

504. And I feel foolish.

505. - To see those cupcakes and brad come together

506. In such an amazing way makes me realize

507. How important your friendship is to me,

508. And I love you so much.

509. - I love you too, liz.

510. - I would say we are bff.

511. - Ha ha. Good at bizness.