Kite Man: Hell Yeah! 1x3

1. Babe, I need more shot glasses—

2. Oh! Trevor?

3. What are you doing staying late after class?

4. Uh, what?

5. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

6. Yes, teacher,

7. it's me, Trevor, your student,

8. wondering how I might get up my grade.

9. I think we can find you some extra credit.

10. And I want a good look at your locker,

11. I hear it's so dirty.

12. Oh, so dirty.

13. In fact, I'm so dirty,

14. you should probably check me for lice.

15. Check you for... Babe,

16. isn't that more of a grade school thing?

17. I don't think...

18. I'm pretty sure we had lice checks in my high school.

19. Oh. Well, then, let me get a comb

20. and my rubber gloves.

21. Oh, gonna use your special lice comb?

22. Oh, you know I am.

23. Any nits or larvae?

24. Oh, yeah.

25. Check him for lice

26. you dirty strumpet.

27. - Sixpack! - What are you doing in here?

28. Looking for peanut butter. Found it.

29. Sixpack,

30. remember what we said about boundaries—

31. This is employees only!

32. You wet-brained perv!

33. You didn't overhear any...

34. - None of that? - Ah, nah. No.

35. But for the record,

36. lice checks are more of a school nurse thing.

37. You know, for next time.

38. Uh-huh.

39. Now, where were we?

40. Well, Nurse Glider, I was thinking you could

41. take my temperature the baby way.

42. Sixpack wants a triple gin Provencal, neat.

43. Fancy drink for a guy who is passed out.

44. Sixpack's orders get more upscale

45. the drunker he gets.

46. He's a reverse bridesmaid.

47. Reverse bridesmaid?

48. Oh, yeah. Bridesmaids start the wedding

49. with, like, a French martini, but by the end of the night,

50. they're sucking up paint thinner

51. somebody spilled on the bar.

52. That is so true!

53. I don't know how to make a— Oh! Wait a sex.

54. Glider has drink recipes on her computer.

55. All right, let's see... Dap-a-dap-dap...

56. Uh... Time out.

57. Does she actually let you use her laptop?

58. Ah, this would be a first,

59. but I'm sure she's cool with it.

60. - Stalker much? - Hello?

61. - What's hers is yours. - Privacy?

62. "Work stuff." That's me.

63. After all, I'm the biz pahd-na,

64. so no probs clickety clacking this folds.

65. - Oops. - Jesus fuck!

66. Finish a word!

67. Whoa. Stop the trolley.

68. Relationship Milestones Checklist?

69. It says here,

70. at one year you should be living together

71. or just break up.

72. We're 14 months!

73. - Yikes! - Better find a place.

74. - You suck, dude - News flash, you suck.

75. Open communication is the key to trust.

76. Perhaps you should wait

77. and discuss this with Golden Glider.

78. Wait? He's two months late.

79. - You know... - Two months...

80. - The ship has sailed... - If he takes any more...

81. Okay, look what I found. Wha—

82. Were you guys plotting to kill me or something?

83. Babe, these have been the best 14 months of my life.

84. The only thing I would change?

85. The two rents part.

86. Lisa Snart...

87. aka Golden Glider,

88. would you make me the luckiest roommate-with-benefits on Earth

89. and move in with me?

90. Is it me or does this guy

91. fake propose for fucking everything?

92. Babe, I...

93. I mean, what is this?

94. It's a key which symbolically opens

95. the door to wherever we move in together.

96. Chuck, this is so...

97. Oh, no. The work folder.

98. I, uh...

99. No. I can't move in with you.

100. Hey, while you're down on the floor,

101. you might wanna look under some tables,

102. for your fucking balls.

103. - Give the guy a break. - He got you!

104. Those are long gone my friend.

105. Um, babe, was just noodling

106. and thought maybe we should discuss

107. what happened...

108. Totally. Just crazy busy right now, babe.

109. Inventorying the straws.

110. - Ah! Super important. - Oh, yeah. Super important.

111. True that. Yeah.

112. You know, I should do the same with the bev napkins.

113. Well, in the words

114. of Archduke Ferdinand's bodyguard,

115. "I sure biffed this one."

116. Totally put Glider on the spot when she wasn't ready.

117. Oh, come on. You're following the rules

118. of her own spreadsheet, right?

119. I thought so. I mean, things were going amazing

120. and yet she defied her own spreadsheet.

121. Maybe she does want to move in together.

122. She just doesn't want to move in together with you.

123. Yeah, face it, you're eating a meatball

124. too big for your mouth.

125. She's a devastating killing machine

126. and you got a kite.

127. This is why I don't date anyone less powerful than me.

128. Or the poor.

129. Shiznit!

130. I mean, maybe she's not into me anymore.

131. You think? guys?

132. Where'd everyone go?

133. Across the street.

134. Eat my ass,

135. a Villigan's opened across the street?

136. What'd they do? Put it up overnight?

137. They have got the franchising down.

138. I am going to miss that Unitarian church.

139. Ugh, all our customers went over there.

140. Hey, can I get off early today?

141. No!

142. We are so fucked!

143. Damn it. I knew legitimate business was a bad idea.

144. Well, hold on. Okay.

145. So, a competitor opened across the street.

146. You know what?

147. This could be the villain bar and restaurant district.

148. Oh, I don't know. Villigan's is a huge chain.

149. They could bury us like they buried

150. Beefsteak Charlie's and Shnazzy's Sitz 'n Gritz...

151. And Tamale Junction.

152. Miss those tamales everyday.

153. How about this?

154. I'll go do some recon.

155. Get the hot goss,

156. see what's crackalacking,

157. come back and game plan this bizzy.

158. Gotta love Bane's can-do attitude.

159. We're toast.

160. What is Bane doing?

161. How long does it take to scope a place out?

162. Courtesy of Villigan's management.

163. Wait, that wasn't...

164. Riddler? No.

165. Villigan's is villain-themed.

166. The staff all dress like famous villains.

167. That would offend the shit out of me if it wasn't so fun.

168. Well, what is this for?

169. "To the owners of Noonan's.

170. A gift basket from your new neighbors at Villigan's."

171. Three day-passes for Queen of Kings Spa.

172. Oh! I'm going by myself three times.

173. Um, this is addressed to the owners.

174. Sure. Butter us up before they fry us in the pan.

175. Actually, babe,

176. couples spa date?

177. We can get intimately rubbed down

178. by strangers side-by-side.

179. Maybe, you know, in there somewhere

180. discuss today's spreadsheet snafu...

181. Uh, yeah. Or, you know,

182. I never really get to bond with the girls here

183. and female friendships are so important.

184. - No, they're not. - Free spa day.

185. Right, yes, super true, babe.

186. Take the girls!

187. - I am shouting. - I like that plan.

188. Those spas are nude.

189. Gives me a chance to do some body shopping.

190. This one has to shit anytime I have sugar.

191. Great. All right. Well...

192. Um...

193. Oh. Okay.

194. Wow. Yeah. Mmm.

195. - Bye. - Uh, bye now.

196. She wants nothing to do with me.

197. That's loser talk.

198. Ow! Sean!

199. You want her to move in with you?

200. There are two things women can't resist.

201. A good smack on the ass

202. and solving a big problem.

203. And Villigan's is a big problem.

204. You're right. I'll prove I'm move-in worthy

205. by solving the Villigan's problem.

206. Oh, and we don't smack on the ass anymore,

207. but we do send flirty sexts.

208. Have a blast with the ladies, comma,

209. and I'll have a blast for you later, period.

210. Send.

211. Hell, yeah.

212. Now, to solve that Villigan's problem.

213. Whoa!

214. Wow! Whoa!

215. Where did they even get that?

216. Villigan's doesn't miss a beat.

217. I mean, this is the perfect homage

218. to all the great villains. It's just like Planet Hollywood

219. was the perfect homage to all the great planets.

220. But you know what? I actually learn a lot from them, too.

221. Aw!

222. The breathalyzer literally explodes.

223. So I says, "Now what, officer?

224. The alphabet again?"

225. So, now Joe's goomad is asking why she hasn't heard from him.

226. And I'm, like, "Sweetheart, reality check.

227. He's ghosting you."

228. Oh, we can't compete with this.

229. - Table for one, sir? - Bane?

230. Ooh! Kite Man.

231. Welcome to Villigan's.

232. You work here now? What? How?

233. You know,

234. it actually happened pretty organically.

235. These crooks think they can put

236. the little guy out of business.

237. We'll see about that.

238. What?

239. They've got a me?

240. Wow, I am important.

241. Hold up. He didn't even greet that two-top.

242. And this customer over here is waiting on a refill!

243. This guy is giving Bane a bad name!

244. Excuse me? Garcon?

245. Does the soup contain gluten?

246. Well, look, I don't...

247. Well... Are we talking of allergies

248. or just a preference?

249. And when they open that patio seating,

250. those tips are gonna be off the chain.

251. Well, I can't wait to see their Fake Kite Man.

252. - Can... Can you introduce me? - Hey!

253. Fake Calendar Man,

254. is Fake Kite Man working tonight?

255. Nah, we don't have a Fake Kite Man.

256. Fake Kite Man, no. Sorry.

257. They don't? What?

258. Wait, they have a Fake Calendar Man,

259. but they don't have a Fake Kite Man?

260. Well, look, it's so hard

261. to find good help,

262. that also, you know,

263. resembles such a super famous—

264. Thanks anyway, buddy.

265. - Garcon? - Just a second!

266. Right here. Oh, there's a knot.

267. - Mmm. - It's very tight.

268. Oh, right there.

269. A little ore pressure?

270. Oh, I can't believe we can't have our phones.

271. Ah, this was such a good idea.

272. I am crazy relaxed.

273. Don't touch my fucking feet!

274. - Isn't this fun? - So when are you gonna dump Kite Man?

275. What? I'm not going to dump him.

276. Your own spreadsheet says

277. if it's not time to move in, it's time to move on.

278. Okay, okay. I know, but...

279. I made it before I even met Kite Man.

280. It was stupid.

281. And here's the truth.

282. I do wanna move in with him.

283. I'm just... afraid I'll kill him.

284. - So? - Why?

285. Because I can't control my powers

286. if I get super emotional.

287. If we live together,

288. the first time he puts a dish in the sink

289. instead of in the dishwasher, which is three inches away,

290. I will lose my shit and accidentally

291. turn him into a pool of blood on the carpet.

292. Huh! Good luck getting hard blood out of a rug.

293. Look at it like this,

294. if you kill him, then it wasn't meant to be.

295. - Bingo! - Yeah, I don't really

296. - see it that way— - The hell?

297. A Villigan's Company?

298. A chain restaurant owns this spa. Weird.

299. Also, they said the mask would tingle,

300. but it does feel like my face is being stabbed.

301. Oops.

302. Oops, my ass! That was no accident!

303. You just ripped my head off!

304. Oh, ow!

305. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

306. Ladies, I'm starting to think this is a trap.

307. Starting to think?

308. How can I blame Glider for not wanting to live with me?

309. I don't wanna live with me

310. and I don't have a clue

311. on how to get rid of Villigan's.

312. I have a thought.

313. Go kill the manager.

314. What? Noonan, that doesn't sound like

315. the way to handle a—

316. You think I kept this bar open all these years

317. with friendly service? No!

318. I have killed more—

319. - I've never... - What?

320. I've never killed anyone before.

321. - What? - Please do not tell anyone.

322. Okay? If that got out at the Legion of Doom,

323. they would lose all respect for me.

324. Your bigger problem is your girl

325. will have no respect for you

326. if you lose this bar.

327. I'd do anything to make sure that doesn't happen.

328. - Even... - Even kill.

329. Do you have a weapon I can borrow?

330. I got every weapon you can borrow.

331. Whoa! All right.

332. Whoa! Very cool.

333. Very, very cool.

334. Let's pop that killing cherry.

335. What's this one?

336. All right, uh... Cataclysmic Deionizer.

337. It's a nice choice. It's discreet,

338. take off the lid like you're gonna moisturize your lips,

339. point it at the manager,

340. squeeze, dead.

341. That is actually pretty nice.

342. Can I get you ladies

343. started with drinks?

344. Wow! We got Bane!

345. Yup. You got me.

346. So are we thinking...

347. Isn't the real Bane skinnier?

348. Joanne, you're awful!

349. But you're right.

350. I will get some bread for the table.

351. Ugh!

352. Ha!

353. Oh, that's right.

354. Fighting is my self-care.

355. Chessure, get your toy.

356. Hey, watch the head.

357. Ow! So catching me wasn't part of your plan?

358. Sorry, I've never been good at sports.

359. Shit. I can't stop thinking

360. that I hurt Kite Man's feelings.

361. I really like him. And I never like anyone! He's just so...

362. - Basic? - Dumpable?

363. I was gonna say sweet.

364. And the weird thing is, that makes me love him more

365. Malice, you okay?

366. Oh, yeah. This must be our third date

367. because I'm about to give you all some head.

368. How about a freaking heads up next time?

369. You wait till the third date?

370. Yeah. Chastity is the new edging.

371. That's one big fucking masseuse!

372. Hi, there. Uh...

373. I was hoping to maybe speak to the manager.

374. 'Scuse me, mister?

375. Oh! Hey, kiddo, can I help you?

376. We got you a skinny Marga-queefa.

377. Oh.

378. Uh, well, that's adorable, sweetie.

379. I think maybe you mean "Margarita."

380. But I didn't order anything.

381. Yeah. This one's on the house.

382. And don't worry, it's virgin.

383. Just like you, Kite Man.

384. You know, perhaps I should speak with your parents.

385. Eat shit. I'm 47.

386. I sued my parents into homelessness years ago.

387. Name's Babydoll, I run this place.

388. Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. You're the manager?

389. Something you wanted to ask me?

390. Um...

391. - No, I'm good. - Didn't think so.

392. I'm looking forward to flattening Noonan's

393. and putting in a big deck for patio seating.

394. Big deck?

395. What can I say?

396. I love big decks.

397. Hang in there, Kite Man. This ain't so bad.

398. This place is just so fake.

399. Agreed. It could never be Noonan's.

400. I mean, Noonan's, may it rest in peace,

401. was a place where we could all sit at the bar

402. and just have a drink.

403. This place, could never provide that.

404. It's a registered trademark

405. of Villigan's incorporated!

406. - Yay! - Happy birthday!

407. That is one toe-tapping

408. proprietary birthday song, right there.

409. To Aiden!

410. If I had Aiden's wish right now,

411. I'd wish Glider would text me back

412. and this giant corporate chain restaurant never opened.

413. See, you're getting greedy now.

414. That's two wishes. Even if Aiden owned

415. a money printing machine like Villigan's,

416. he couldn't buy another wish.

417. Wait a minute, that's it.

418. To beat Villigan's, we need to focus

419. on the things they can't buy.

420. Like some good old-fashioned creativity

421. and community engagement.

422. Yes! Thanks, guys.

423. I knew you couldn't do it.

424. Listen, Babydoll may be a greedy,

425. ruthless freak, hellbent on my personal ruin,

426. but she is also, unfortunately,

427. super cute. But good news,

428. I have a better plan.

429. Theme nights!

430. Villigan's is a theme restaurant.

431. Well, we'll have a new theme every night.

432. Instrumental Karaoke Night, Taco Mondays,

433. get ahead of it. Hell, yeah!

434. Trivia Night, but only questions about trivia itself.

435. Okay. Shut up!

436. Even if people liked those horrible ideas,

437. how are you gonna get the word out?

438. Way ahead of you.

439. Putting up a giant marquee out front.

440. Heading over to the gang at Just Marquees right about now.

441. It's the only game in town since Marquees de Sign closed.

442. But wait until Babydoll and her cronies

443. get a load of our giant marquee

444. of creativity and community.

445. W-T-F!

446. When I was over there, it was like

447. Babydoll knew I was coming,

448. and now she stole all my theme night ideas.

449. - It's like she— - Bugged the gift basket?

450. - It was in the fruitcake. - Why didn't you tell me?

451. I don't work for you.

452. Noonan, I'm not a big cured meats guy,

453. does charcuterie always tick?

454. Fire in the hole!

455. 'Splosion!

456. Oh! I like that torso.

457. I hate effort.

458. Dear God, my forehead is crying.

459. Ugh!

460. Is this on?

461. Can they... They can see me, right?

462. - Damn! Babydoll? - Who?

463. Babydoll.

464. The former child star of the stupid sitcom

465. - Love That Baby. - Hated that show.

466. Oh, it sucked!

467. Although, did you see the one where Baby becomes a lawyer?

468. Oh, yeah, I like that one.

469. And the one where Baby gets an abortion?

470. I directed that one, actually.

471. Still waiting on my residuals.

472. Look, bitches,

473. no amount of fight will save you

474. or your precious bar.

475. You listen to me,

476. my boyfriend and I just bought that bar

477. and no second-rate tacky chain restaurant

478. is going to end our dreams of turning it into

479. the most moderately successful local dive bar

480. in greater east Gotham, north of 47th!

481. - You got that? - Oh, I got it.

482. - Boyfriend, huh? - As a matter of fact,

483. my soon to be live-in boyfriend.

484. We still talking about this?

485. Well, I hope you're not talking about Kite Man,

486. because I'm afraid he's dead.

487. What? He go boom boom!

488. So unless he's bomb proof,

489. and I know he's not, because I've heard his jokes,

490. Kite Man is very dead.

491. Oh, this is bad.

492. Take cover!

493. Hmm, nice fucking throw, Kite Man.

494. Uh, well, thanks.

495. Nine-time intramural disc golf champ.

496. There's actually a pretty sweet course

497. over by the Gotham airport

498. if you ever want to get in—

499. Goddamnit! Are you kidding me?

500. I'm trying to make Regional Supervisor

501. and a property insurance claim is not helping.

502. You're paying for a new revolving door, cocksucker!

503. I don't think so, Babydoll.

504. Kite Man, kick her sorry little ass.

505. I'm not hitting a child.

506. Ah, Jesus Christ!

507. Babydoll, Noonan's isn't going anywhere,

508. so we're just gonna have to find a way to live together.

509. You mean like your dumb girlfriend

510. you're moving in with?

511. - Who told you that? - She did.

512. She said you're moving in together,

513. only problem is, next thing she did

514. was die!

515. Oh, fuck!

516. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, shit.

517. Ew, when did French braids come back?

518. - Malice, you're... - Fine.

519. I'm immortal, remember?

520. Oh, what about Fables?

521. What about me? I'm right here.

522. What do you think?

523. Your kill-everything tantrum made a perfect buffet

524. of parts in there.

525. I look good.

526. Oh, my God. Chuck!

527. Can you believe this shit?

528. You see the appetizers?

529. They want $17.99

530. for the Riddler soup of the day?

531. Like we're suckers!

532. Listen, Kite Man,

533. I am sorry about Golden Glider.

534. I mean, you know, there just are no words.

535. That being said,

536. how about I try some more words

537. and see if we land on any of that—

538. - Babe! - Babe!

539. I thought you were dead.

540. Jinx. Double jinx.

541. I've... I've got something to tell you.

542. Oh, shut up!

543. I have to tell you something first.

544. Chuck, I want to move in with you.

545. I always have.

546. I was just afraid

547. I'd accidentally kill you, okay?

548. Seriously?

549. Babe, I'd rather be killed by you

550. than be alive with anyone else.

551. Oh, babe!

552. Truth is, I'd rather kill you

553. than see you alive with anyone else.

554. The down-on-one-knee shit again?

555. Charles "Kite Man" Brown,

556. would you make me the luckiest roommate-with-benefits ever

557. and move in with me?

558. I do! A thousand times do!

559. He do-dos!

560. It is beyond humiliating

561. to be fired by a child.

562. I am never going

563. to Villigan's again!

564. Hell, yeah!

565. Wait, what did you want to tell me?

566. Oh, uh, well, it's better if I show you.

567. Daddy, please no!

568. Stop, Daddy!

569. See, that I respect.

570. That's how I was raised.

571. Thanks. But you guys don't think this

572. makes me look like a jerk?

573. Yeah, but who cares?