Kite Man: Hell Yeah! 1x2

1. Okay, Sixpack, I know you technically never leave

2. but thanks for coming in.

3. Now, why should we hire you at Noonan's?

4. Babe, good news!

5. We got two more RSVPs!

6. Well, they're from Dubelz, so I guess it's just one.

7. What about my dad? Is he in?

8. Uh, you know, I haven't seen anything from him yet.

9. Ah, it's okay. That's so my dad.

10. No, not a big RSVP-er.

11. Never RSVP'd "yes" for my tee-ball games,

12. my graduation, my wedding, my birth...

13. But he still shows. Sometimes.

14. Who do I have to let ear fuck me

15. to get a drink around here?

16. Babe, I know you're interviewing,

17. but you're also supposed to be taking care of the customers.

18. Babe, once I hire someone,

19. they can take care of the customers.

20. That way, tonight, we won't have to work the bar,

21. we can work the room.

22. Uh, so, Sixpack, where were we?

23. Oh, I'm gonna need a 99% employee discount,

24. stock options,

25. and a separate seating section

26. - for the uncircumcised. - Um...

27. You know, this is just for a server position, right?

28. Oh.

29. I'm gonna pass.

30. Can I get the job?

31. I've already been cleaning the gum

32. off of the tables to get ahead.

33. No dice, Bane.

34. We gotta have super hip, dope-ass servers,

35. so this re-opening is off the chain

36. and I can impress my dad.

37. Hey, we don't have to impress anybody.

38. Mission accomplished.

39. And we're 10 million in the hole.

40. How do we even afford employees?

41. I don't need a salary.

42. I'll work for tips.

43. - Bane, what did I tell you? - You're hired!

44. Whoopee!

45. I'm gonna quit the Legion of Doom!

46. Hey, babe, uh, not sure Bane is the coolest choice here.

47. Well, Bane is free and that's cool.

48. Thing is, with Bane, you have what's called

49. a reverse Hooters situation.

50. Yeah, I actually wish he was wearing more clothes.

51. - Bad idea, Glider. - What?

52. To make this party slap, we need a splashy hire.

53. Someone you're, like,

54. "What are they doing here?

55. If they're here, I wish I was here."

56. Like those albino twins from the Matrix 2.

57. Someone who walks into a room and everyone goes, "Whoa!"

58. - Whoa. - Hello.

59. Ugh, sorry I had to duck into this abandoned

60. shithole halfway house or whatever,

61. because there's a bunch of trash cans and, like,

62. some guy on fire

63. and the smoke's getting in my pores.

64. Ugh! Job searching sucks.

65. I can't believe my God-daddy cut me off.

66. Can I have your job?

67. How much does it pay being Beyonce?

68. Are you serious? Beyonce?

69. I know. She's the albino Matrix twins of music.

70. Uh. I think we found our new server.

71. What? That's not what I...

72. Hello there,

73. sounded like you're searching for employment.

74. Mm, I have a boyfriend.

75. Oh. No doubt. I'm Kite Man.

76. This is the love of my life, Golden Glider.

77. We co-own this establishment.

78. And you are?

79. Clearly on the phone.

80. I gotta go. Tell Solange,

81. Malice and her cat, Chessure, called.

82. All right, we'll have two tequila sodas,

83. light ice, no fruit, splash of cran.

84. She's a monster.

85. Yeah, you're hired.

86. A job here might work 'cause I love day drinking.

87. Also, I need proof for my God-daddy,

88. that I'm "trying." Fine, I'll do it.

89. Slow your roll, headband.

90. We didn't hire you.

91. I think your co-boyfriend-partner- guy -whatever did.

92. Okay, well, we're gonna put a pin

93. in what my co-boyfriend-partner- guy-whatever did.

94. I don't think this place is really your vibe.

95. Plus, you work for tips and nobody tips here.

96. Here's a Benjamin from us for making our days

97. with that pretty face.

98. I think I'm gonna do all right.

99. Now, can somebody refill

100. - our drinks? - I'll get it.

101. Babe, she's gonna crush this grand reopening

102. and Dad's gonna be so impressed

103. that we got such a cool server.

104. He'll have to say he loves me.

105. Right, babe?

106. Babe?

107. Ugh, everyone thinks I'm amazing.

108. You must be so threatened by me.

109. Yoo-hoo! I'm back here.

110. I can see you're confused.

111. Yes. You're imagining this.

112. But it's based on a true story.

113. I've got everything.

114. Great body, designer handbags,

115. and the attention of every guy everywhere,

116. even these drunks.

117. I'm everything you hate.

118. But the truth is, that's only because

119. you can't compete with me.

120. Can't compete? We'll see about that,

121. you snobby shithead...

122. Babe? Babe, take it easy.

123. - We barely even know Malice. - I know the type.

124. And you just hired her right after you knew I'd hired Bane

125. - and he's going to— - I'm back!

126. I marched up to Lex and I said,

127. "I respectfully resign."

128. Taking the high road. Classy move, Bane.

129. And then I told him to put on a swim cap

130. so he could go fuck himself.

131. Bane, uh, so sorry,

132. uh, but we're hiring someone else.

133. What? Is this for real?

134. Because I think I may have burned a bridge with Lex.

135. Afraid so, buddy. Meet our new server, Malice.

136. Okay. I literally just 'sploded my life

137. and you're firing me for a girl with a cat in a bag?

138. Maybe you should put on a swim cap

139. so you can...

140. I am deathly allergic to cat dander.

141. See? We can't have a cat in a bar.

142. We're not a lesbian bookstore.

143. But I'm her emotional support animal.

144. Also, she's cold.

145. Well, you're in luck. We just got some new merch

146. that can warm her right up.

147. Yep. Here we go. Found the onesies.

148. My throat is closing up!

149. Well, good job, Chuck. While Bane dies,

150. let's make sure the cat is comfortable.

151. Will someone get...

152. Anyone? Anyone? Huh?

153. I bet you'd get it if it was up Malice's ass!

154. And will one of you lazy fucks take care of the fricking cat?

155. My pleasure, darling.

156. Goddammit!

157. That was my last allergy stick.

158. I gotta get back to Lex

159. and beg for the return of my job

160. and my health insurance.

161. That guy's got a rat.

162. Oh, no. Well, you know, funny enough, Malice,

163. this is not a rat.

164. It's a hypoallergenic hamster.

165. I got it to teach my kindergartners

166. about responsibility.

167. That shouldn't be here, either.

168. That is adorbs.

169. Oh, my God. No.

170. This is why I need a goddang body!

171. No, Jon Hamm-ster. No!

172. Oh, God, no!

173. The kids are gonna be heartbroken.

174. Well, I'm head broken.

175. Is that an RSVP? Is it my dad?

176. Okay, Chuck, can we not right now

177. - with the dad thing? - Ew, that's your guest list?

178. That's it, Malice, outside!

179. Anybody want to help the loose head

180. that's rolling around on the floor?

181. There. Both problems solved.

182. God, she's a dynamite lady.

183. Malice, we have our grand reopening tonight,

184. and it's very important to Kite Man that it goes well.

185. Well, then Kite Man should've invited cooler people.

186. But of course, nobody cool would ever come here.

187. Why do you even wanna work here?

188. Because having to work is so cringe

189. and I don't want anyone cool seeing me having to work. Doy.

190. Okay. Cool people do come here.

191. Actually, uh, oh, ooh...

192. Look, uh, Lex Luthor RSVP'd "yes."

193. Oh, nice. I haven't seen him since Colin Jost's wedding.

194. Now get out of my way.

195. I have really cool shit to do.

196. - Golden Glider, wait. - What is it?

197. Is that what you're wearing tonight?

198. Ugh!

199. Back off! I don't want a carrot!

200. Mr. Gus, what's wrong with the hamster?

201. Great question, Kenneth.

202. It's not a hamster

203. but a decapitated head.

204. Oh.

205. That was a stupid fucking question.

206. What the hell are you teaching these kids?

207. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

208. We do not use the "T" word.

209. This is a Montessori school.

210. We encourage learning through play.

211. It's bad enough all these kids' bodies are too small for me to steal.

212. Now I gotta put up with this goofy-ass fake school bullshit?

213. Okay.

214. Well, since it's time for my 12 o'clock glass of milk...

215. White Russian.

216. how about the Queen of Fables here

217. tells you a story?

218. No! It won't be funny 'cause she's a woman.

219. Actually, I know a super funny story.

220. It's about a little bitch named Kenneth

221. who was extremely monti-sorry

222. he didn't go to a real fucking school.

223. Come on, I really need to talk to Lex.

224. I can't go back to doing

225. balloon animals at kid's parties.

226. All right.

227. You want VIPs? I'm gonna get the V-est IP out there.

228. Oh, he's not gonna let you in.

229. I've been waiting forever—

230. Dammit, Bane! Why didn't you think to do that?

231. Golden Glider, I'm extremely busy—

232. Lex, I know we've had issues in the past,

233. but I am here to personally invite you

234. to Noonan's grand reopening tonight.

235. It is gonna be the party of the year and—

236. Say no more. I'm in.

237. I knew you were gonna say that.

238. How dare you— Wait, did you say yes?

239. Of course. What kind of supervillain would I be

240. if I didn't support local villain establishments?

241. I'd be delighted to come.

242. I just hope it's okay if I bring

243. all the top LOD people?

244. Suck my tit!

245. I mean, yeah, sure. I guess we could probs make room.

246. Okay. Luthor-A, clear my schedule for tonight.

247. I'm going to the party of the year.

248. Clearing schedule.

249. Okay.

250. Well, this will be so fun!

251. Can't wait to par-tay down with you and the gang.

252. Love what you've done with the place.

253. Okay, bye.

254. The only way to keep the Anti-Life Equation

255. safely hidden at Noonan's is to make sure

256. that irrelevant dump stays an irrelevant dump.

257. Okay, Luthor-A, strike what I just said.

258. Instead, call everyone on the Legion of Doom

259. VIP phone tree.

260. I'm having my own party tonight.

261. I know my dad got the evite.

262. I sent it to his work, personal,

263. and secret Honduran family account.

264. Babe, we need to blow this reopening up!

265. - Go all out. - Wait, really?

266. Well, what made you change your mind?

267. Oh, I don't know. Maybe cause a little someone

268. named Lex Luthor is coming tonight

269. and bringing all his, oh, I don't know,

270. friends from the Legion of Doom.

271. Say what?

272. Wait, the dad of the LOD is coming?

273. I can't wait to tell Malice. Where is that little—

274. Cat! I can't find Chessure anywhere!

275. She's out there alone in this trash city.

276. Oh, my God! What if she wanders into a Marshalls?

277. Okay, calm down.

278. I'm sure your cat will be fine.

279. She needs me. If she eats any street meat,

280. she'll double in size.

281. Oh, that explains a lot.

282. Golden Glider says,

283. "Take care of that freaking cat." So...

284. Arrivederci.

285. Huh?

286. Oh, shit!

287. Well, technically, I think it's whacked.

288. You shot my cat?

289. Dubelz, what is wrong with you?

290. What's wrong with me?

291. You're the one that ordered the hit.

292. You said, "Someone needs to take care of that cat."

293. I meant let it out.

294. Oh, God! So when I said to take care

295. of my succulents the other day, you—

296. Took 'em out back and shot 'em.

297. Wait a minute.

298. So, when I told you to take care of my nephew—

299. I took him to Six Flags!

300. Shit! I gotta go.

301. I gotta take care of something.

302. Poor Chessure is lost and alone out there.

303. I hope you and your large pores are happy?

304. Well, at least I don't need a rolling pin

305. - to apply my makeup. - Whoa!

306. Ladies. Ladies, it's okay.

307. This city has top-notch animal control.

308. Chessure will be back in no time.

309. All right, cat, I got you.

310. Just hop in the cage and we can all go home.

311. Sweet Christ! What's that?

312. No, please. I was just following orders.

313. I love animals.

314. And they rejoiced the evil queen

315. and realized they should mind their damn business.

316. The end.

317. You just told Hansel and Gretel,

318. except you replaced Hansel with Kenneth.

319. Also, my middle name is Thomas, not bitch.

320. Oh, you got notes?

321. Here's a note for you, Kenneth. Fuck off!

322. I'm gonna tell my mom on you,

323. and when she gets out of her Glutes and Chutes class,

324. she's gonna go fool Karen!

325. Because that's her name.

326. Wait, Glutes and Chutes?

327. Your mom is in good shape?

328. Bit of a butter face, but she keeps it pretty tight.

329. All I care about is the body.

330. Mr. Gus, who's taking the class pet home this week.

331. Now, kids, Ms. Fables is not a pet.

332. She is a strong, independent—

333. Shut up, you drunk!

334. I'm going home with Kenneth and his rock hard mom.

335. You see the giant cat too, right?

336. Hey, Kite Man,

337. the Peter Gabriel-era Genesis cover band is here.

338. Yes! Dad's favorite.

339. Oh, babe!

340. Since we have extra fancy guests coming tonight,

341. I got a box of those

342. extra fancy cupcakes from the place down the street.

343. I'm leaving early because I'm so upset with Chessure

344. that the only thing that would cheer me up

345. is going to Lex Luthor's party tonight.

346. What are you talking about?

347. Lex is coming to our party, right, babe?

348. Uh, yes. He's coming with all the top brass from the LOD.

349. He said it was going to be the party of the year

350. and he wouldn't miss it.

351. Surprise!

352. Lex Luthor is hosting the party of the century

353. at the Legion of Doom right now.

354. Hey, Lex.

355. Why the massive last minute ball?

356. Let's just say that sometimes

357. the golden ideas glide right in.

358. - Lying son of a bitch! - Why would he do that to us?

359. See? Now, out of my way. I'm going to that party.

360. Malice, you walk out that door,

361. your rude, entitled,

362. perfectly-sculpted, Pilates ass is fired.

363. It's Glutes and Chutes!

364. And you're the worst bosses ever!

365. We're your only bosses ever!

366. I can't believe the world's most evil super villain

367. lied to us about coming to our party.

368. We have to do something.

369. I am going down to the Legion of Doom

370. and demand Lex

371. stop his bullshit!

372. And come to our party.

373. Next. No weapons.

374. I can already tell you ain't on the list. Next.

375. Hey, listen, we need to talk to Lex right now. He knows us.

376. Lex knows a lot of people.

377. Oh, 'cause he's so important?

378. I know a lot of people too.

379. Chuck, Lex,

380. a bunch of people.

381. Dad?

382. Hey, Dad.

383. Shit. I gotta remember to stop responding to that.

384. Him. We know him. That's three.

385. You two gotta go.

386. You're holding up the line.

387. Next. No weapons.

388. - Babe, we gotta go. - This isn't over.

389. Oh, Connie Antonucci wants to join.

390. I don't want this group getting too diverse.

391. Denied.

392. Good Lord, Kenneth!

393. No shoes on the carpet.

394. - Yes, ma'am. - Oh, damn.

395. You must be Kenneth's mom.

396. My goodness, the Glutes and Chutes

397. have sure paid off.

398. Oh, bless your heart.

399. I haven't eaten carbs in a decade

400. and I had my inner thighs removed.

401. Kenneth, get the bread knife.

402. It'll go perfect with that butter face.

403. You can say it, my dad was there

404. because Lex is a winner and I'm a loser.

405. - Dad only chooses winners. - Oh, Chuck,

406. who cares what your dad thinks?

407. You are a winner.

408. And we are cool.

409. It doesn't matter what Malice says.

410. Babe, you need to stop with the Malice stuff.

411. You're starting to sound kind of jelly.

412. Of course I'm jelly.

413. Malice is one of those smug hot girls

414. who everybody's dying to impress.

415. It just churns up all my freaking insecurities.

416. Babe, in the words of Aragorn

417. to the hobbits in Lord of the Rings Three,

418. "You bow to no one."

419. You're so smart,

420. you're muy caliente, but most of all,

421. you're a better person than this.

422. Wow.

423. I could say the same about you.

424. Why? I'm not jealous of Malice.

425. Do I wish my hair had that kind of volume?

426. - Sure. - No! With your dad.

427. You're trying so damn hard to win his approval

428. even though he's such an ungrateful dickbag.

429. You're wonderful and he doesn't deserve you, Chuck.

430. Sweet shit! Is that Malice's cat?

431. Maybe it's not Chessure. Maybe there's another

432. giant cat wearing a green onesie.

433. Nope, that's our cat.

434. I told you, Bane, you're not on the list.

435. - Lex says you're banned. - I am not here as a guest.

436. I am here as a balloon artist for the kids.

437. You're out of luck, Bane.

438. Would you say yes to...

439. Benjamin Franklin?

440. Have a nice time, Mr. Bane.

441. Whoopee!

442. Next.

443. Thank you for coming on such short notice.

444. Well, you did say you'd take away

445. the espresso machine if we didn't.

446. Very good.

447. Who dares attack the Legion of...

448. No fucking way.

449. Oh, I'm loving this.

450. You think the cat can eat the whole Legion?

451. You mean the cat with the name of our bar on it?

452. Oh. Damn it! You're right.

453. We can't start a war with the LOD.

454. We've gotta stop that cat.

455. I have an idea. Follow me.

456. Hey, um, Mr. Bouncer.

457. I think we got off on the wrong foot earlier.

458. So I'm here—

459. Oh, God.

460. Never mind.

461. Oh, Jackpot!

462. Grab a confiscated weapon.

463. Hey!

464. Come here. Chessure.

465. Chessure, come.

466. Chessure!

467. Whoa!

468. Oh.

469. Come on, laser scope.

470. Pretend this is an outdoor movie screening

471. and fuck shit up.

472. Thanks for the save, babe.

473. I hate to admit this, but—

474. You're a little horny right now?

475. Yes. And I think we need Malice's help.

476. How ironic.

477. I'm about to die from a pussy eating me.

478. Like you've ever eaten pussy in your pathetic life.

479. - That's why it's ironic. - Malice!

480. You have to stop your cat.

481. Ugh, first you want me to get rid of my cat.

482. Then you want me to stop my cat.

483. Make up your mind.

484. If your cat destroys this bar, where will you work?

485. I don't know. Chipotle?

486. Okay, look, if you call off the cat,

487. I will stop making snarky comments,

488. which I only do because you're young and cute

489. and I resent that everyone thinks you're so cool.

490. Plus 15 an hour and dental, whatever that is.

491. - Fine. - Ugh.

492. All right, fine.

493. Here, kitty, kitty.

494. That was it?

495. All we had to do was say, "Here, kitty, kitty?"

496. No. All "I" had to do was say, "Here, kitty, kitty."

497. I am gonna polar bear smack—

498. Babe, are you okay?

499. That's a negative, babe.

500. This reopening failure is cutting me pretty deep.

501. Gotta accept my fate as a loser.

502. I'm gonna go eat a tub of potato salad like a cockroach,

503. 'cause that's what my dad used to call me.

504. - Potato salad. - Babe, you know what?

505. I'm kinda glad this happened.

506. If all those big shots were here,

507. we wouldn't be able to be ourselves.

508. We were trying so hard to impress other people

509. and look how that turned out.

510. Can you shut up?

511. I'm live right now.

512. Malice, you're fired.

513. No, I'm not. I saved the day.

514. And you said you wouldn't fire me.

515. I don't care. I shouldn't have hired you in the first place.

516. I gotta stop doing things to impress other people.

517. There's only one person I need to impress.

518. We know, your dad!

519. No!

520. Just my Glider.

521. Is that...

522. See, this is why I say, "Never get a choir from hell."

523. Enough!

524. I am God...

525. daddy to Malice.

526. God-daddy to Malice.

527. Damn chip crumbs.

528. I heard about the cat.

529. You better not tell me you lost this job.

530. Okay, but that's gonna make this confusing.

531. Damn it, Malice! You useless, pathetic little leech.

532. I'm glad your parents didn't live

533. to see what you've become.

534. They would've been so—

535. Disappointed...

536. that they missed it.

537. Because Malice literally saved the bar.

538. In fact, she's doing fantastic.

539. - She is? - I am?

540. Hey! It's that goon bar,

541. what was on the side of that monster cat.

542. Oh, this place rules.

543. Babe, love how you flipped that disappointed thing.

544. That's real better person stuff.

545. Plus, looks like the cat might have been great publicity.

546. It was brilliant publicity.

547. And it was all Malice's idea.

548. So not only is she not fired,

549. we're expanding her duties to include

550. managing our social media.

551. Uh, babe, we don't have any social media.

552. Shut up, you beautiful idiot.

553. Digital marketing? Very impressive.

554. Thank you for hiring my troublesome Malice.

555. Maybe there's hope for her after all.

556. I don't know why you did that, but...

557. Thu-nocks...

558. I mean, thay-nocks...

559. Are you trying to say, "Thanks?"

560. Oh, is that how you say it?

561. I've only seen it written.

562. Okay. Get to work.

563. Uh, may I make you a drink,

564. Sir Darkseid?

565. Non-alcoholic, please.

566. I'll make you one of my fave bevs.

567. Mm.

568. This iced tea and lemonade mixture is divine.

569. Reminds me of my favorite golfer,

570. - Arnold... Trevino. - Lee Trevino.

571. A round of Lee Trevinos for everyone.

572. What's up, guys? I'm here at "Newsies—"

573. It's Noonan's. Hello.

574. Bane, what are you doing here?

575. I'm here, plowed to the gills

576. on antihistamines to see if—

577. Hey, bouncer, you need to kick this guy out.

578. Go get him, bouncer.

579. But you're still working for tips.

580. Whoopee!

581. I'm 'sploding with joy!

582. Got damn! There's a line around the block.

583. I had to show Kenneth's mom's titties to everybody

584. to get in here.

585. The reopening is a hit!

586. - We did it. - No, we did it.

587. Oh, wait. No. You said that. Whatever.

588. It's been a day. Just kiss me.

589. Mm.

590. Do you know Chuck? I'm his father.

591. Can I go through?

592. Holy shit! You guys have the same birthday.